Today is: loading ...
loading ...
- Source: loading ...
 
Line 1,061: Line 1,061:
 
Edited by Hayley Taylor
 
Edited by Hayley Taylor
  
 +
----
 +
 +
The poem's stanzas tells that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text it states"When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled alot of people with the lion skin.
  
  
 +
----
 +
'''Original Version:'''
  
 
The poem's stanzas tells that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text it states"When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled alot of people with the lion skin.
 
The poem's stanzas tells that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text it states"When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled alot of people with the lion skin.
 +
 +
'''Corrections:'''
 +
 +
The poem's stanzas tell the reader that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin.
 +
 +
***I added “tell the reader” as before the word “tell” didn’t properly fit in the sentence.
 +
 +
 +
In the text, it states "When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him."
 +
 +
***There needs to be two commas in the introductory statement before the quotation. One after the first clause “in the text” and another after “states” to help incorporate the quote into the paragraph.
 +
 +
 +
This shows that the donkey fooled a lot of people with the lion skin.
 +
 +
***The word “a lot” has a space between it.
 +
 +
 +
Great work! Just double-check your work for places where commas may be necessary.
 +
 +
'''Final Version:'''
 +
 +
The poem's stanzas tell the reader that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text, it states "When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled a lot of people with the lion skin.

Latest revision as of 22:40, 25 June 2020

Thsh's Writing Page 8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.


Original Version:

8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.

Corrections:

There are two games that seem like they might be fun to play indoors.

      • Remember to write in 3rd person, which means you can’t use “I.” Also, I replaced “that” with “they” as you are referring to two things. I also took out “these are” to make the sentence flow better.


One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people.

      • I replaced “them” with “game” to make it more specific. I eliminated the “I” as it needs to be written in the third person. I started the next sentence with “Monopoly is a good game to play” as it more clearly states your point. I also replaced “shows” with “teaches” as the word choice better fits the context of the sentence. Lastly, I eliminated the extra space at the end of the sentence after “people.”


In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.”

      • Remember that periods go inside the quotation marks.


Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit.

      • I deleted the “I” to make the sentence into the third person. I also deleted “assume,” to make the sentence more strongly worded. “Lego Kit” also needs to be capitalized as it is a brand name.


This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos."

      • After an introductory phrase like “In addition,” it needs a comma after it. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks at the end of a sentence.


In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.

      • I replaced “to” with “in” and added a comma after “conclusion” to improve the phrasing of the sentence. I eliminated the “I” to make it into 3rd person. Lastly, I rephrased the sentence to improve the flow.


Fully Edited Version: Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

Two games seem like they might be fun to play indoors. One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people. In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.” Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos." In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.

Overall, great work! Just remember to write in the third person and put periods inside quotation marks at the end of sentences.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



Olympic Postponed - March 24

The reason the Summer Olympics games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.


Original Version:

The reason the Summer Olympics Games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.

Corrections:

The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus.

      • When following the phrase “Summer Olympics” with “Games,” the word “Olympic” should be singular. I also fixed the spelling of “coronavirus” which should be one word. Lastly, I deleted the words “around called” as it didn’t make sense with the structure of the sentence.


In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.”

      • “In the text” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. The same goes for “it states.” Also, make sure to put periods inside the quote, not outside.


To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.

      • “To conclude” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. I also rephrased the sentence to change it from passive to active voice. Active voice can provide more clarity to the reader, as the subject performs the action of the clause.

Final Version:

The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus. In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.” To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.

Great job! Make sure to proofread your sentences for spelling errors, and to use correct punctuation.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


Thousands apply to become NASA astronauts

Some people apply to become an astronaut but cant be one. This is because they have to face so challenges that they might fail. In the text it states "The number of people who make it to space is quite small. In addition "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and, the candidates must successfully complete them. This shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes cant be an astronaut.


Original Version:

Some people apply to become an astronaut but cant be one. This is because they have to face so challenges that they might fail. In the text it states "The number of people who make it to space is quite small. In addition "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and, the candidates must successfully complete them. This shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes cant be an astronaut.

Corrections:

Some people that apply to become an astronaut can't be one. 
      • You are missing the article “that,” adding this word will help the sentence flow better. Also, an apostrophe is needed in the word “can’t” because it is a contraction.


This is because they have to face so many challenges, making it more likely that they will fail.

      • The quantifier in front of “challenges” is missing, so I added the word “many.” I also reworded the last half of the sentence to improve the grammar.


The text states, “The number of people who make it to space is quite small.”

      • Remember that quotation marks are needed at the beginning and end of the quote. Also, I edited the introduction to the quote to make it less clunky sounding. Lastly, I added a comma after the introductory clause "the text states" as it was missing.


In addition, "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and the candidates must successfully complete them.”

      • You need a comma after the introductory clause “in addition.” Also, the quotation mark at the end of the quote was missing.


In conclusion, this evidence shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes can’t be an astronaut.

      • I added “in conclusion” to help you transition into your conclusion. I also included the word “evidence” to make the “this” you are talking about clearer. Lastly, I added an apostrophe in the word “can’t” as it is a contraction.


Great work! You followed the format very nicely. Just make sure to use correct punctuation in quotes and in contractions.

Final Version:

Some people that apply to become an astronaut can’t be one. This is because they have to face so many challenges, making it more likely that they will fail. The text states, “The number of people who make it to space is quite small.” In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them.” In conclusion, this evidence shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes can’t be an astronaut.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony

The difference between the graduation ceremony in Japan is different than other because in Japan they use robots. In the text it states “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremony’s.



Original Version

Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony The difference between the graduation ceremony in Japan is different than other because in Japan they use robots. In the text it states “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremony’s.

Corrections:

The graduation ceremony in Japan is different than others because they use robots.

      • You used the word different twice, which is a bit repetitive. I rephrased the sentence to make it more concise.


In the text, it states, “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”

      • You need a comma after the introductory phrase “in the text” as well as after “it states.”


In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremonies in Japan and traditional graduation ceremonies.

      • The noun “ceremony” shouldn’t be in the possessive form, as it is not possessing anything. I changed it to the plural form. Because you say “there is a difference between…” you need to compare the relationship between two things. You stated the first, which is graduation ceremonies in Japan, but you need to add what it is being compared to. I added “in Japan” to make the first subject clearer and “traditional graduation ceremonies” to complete the comparison.


Great work! Make sure to use commas and check for repetition.

Final Version:

Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony

The graduation ceremony in Japan is different than others because they use robots. In the text, it states, “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremonies in Japan and traditional graduation ceremonies.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



Ending childhood hunger

One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.


Original Version:

Ending childhood hunger

One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.

Corrections:

One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger.

      • William didn’t end childhood hunger, but he is helping to fight against this. I rephrased the sentence to fix this.


In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.”

      • After the introductory phrase “in the text,” you need a comma after it. Also, the end of the quote needed a quotation mark.


In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.”

      • You need a comma after the introductory phrase “in addition.”


This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.

      • I added the word “evidence” to add more specificity.


Great work! Make sure to proofread your work for punctuation errors.

Final Version:

One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger. In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.” In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



Celebrate the 50th anniversary of earth day without leaving home

The one the articles reports that Earth Day will be celebrated is Earth Day will always be celebrated at April 22. In the text it states “ Earth Day is celebrated annually on April 22. This evidence proves that Earth Day will be celebrated at April 22.


Original Version:

Celebrate the 50th anniversary of earth day without leaving home

The one the articles reports that Earth Day will be celebrated is Earth Day will always be celebrated at April 22. In the text it states “ Earth Day is celebrated annually on April 22. This evidence proves that Earth Day will be celebrated at April 22.

Corrections:

Earth Day is always celebrated on April 22, according to the article.

      • The first version of the sentence was a bit hard to read. I reworded the sentence to improve the grammar.


The text states that “Earth Day is celebrated annually on April 22.”

    • You need quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote. I also edited the introductory phrase before the quote, to fix the grammar. Before, it was too long and was in need of commas. "The text states that" is a more concise way to introduce your evidence.


Earth Day is celebrated by participating in habits such as recycling to help protect the environment while remaining at home due to COVID-19.

      • After the quote, I suggest adding more detail on what Earth Day is, and how it can be celebrated at home as your title indicates.


In conclusion, the evidence from the text proves that Earth Day will still take place on April 22.

      • Good conclusion. I rephrased it to help the transition between your evidence and your conclusion smoother.


Good work! Make sure to provide the reader with detail on your subject. It sounded a bit repetitive by stating the date of Earth Day multiple times without any additional information.

Final Version:

Earth Day is always celebrated on April 22, according to the article. The text states that “Earth Day is celebrated annually on April 22.” Earth Day is celebrated by participating in habits such as recycling to help protect the environment while remaining at home due to COVID-19. In conclusion, the evidence from the text proves that Earth Day will still take place on April 22.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



The boys help seniors by bringing resources that will be needed during the Covid-19. In the text it states “ delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need to protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions.” This evidence shows how the boys help the seniors by delivering food.


Original Version:

The boys help seniors by bringing resources that will be needed during the Covid-19. In the text it states “ delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need to protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions.” This evidence shows how the boys help the seniors by delivering food.

Corrections:

Two boys are helping seniors by bringing them the resources that they need during the COVID-19 crisis.

      • I said “two boys” instead to add more specificity to the introduction. “that will be needed” is a bit clunky sounded, so I reworded that sentence and put it in the present tense instead of the future tense as well. You are missing a word after “the COVID-19,” so I also added the word “crisis” to improve the grammar of the sentence. Lastly, I capitalized “COVID.”


The text states that “delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need to protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions.”

      • The phrase “in the text it states” was missing commas, and used the wrong type of preposition. I edited and reworded the introductory phrase before the quote to fix this grammatical and punctuation issue.


This evidence shows how the boys are helping the seniors by delivering food.

      • Good! I just added “are helping” to make it sound like it’s an ongoing service, instead of a one-time service they provided.


Great work! Make sure to read over your sentences for clarity.

Final Version:

Two boys are helping seniors by bringing them the resources that they need during the COVID-19 crisis. The text states that “delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need to protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions.” This evidence shows how the boys are helping the seniors by delivering food.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


We can help the world improve by saving water than wasting. To support my answer, " To help save more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)." This evidence proves that saving water can help the Earth improve.



Original Version:

We can help the world improve by saving water than wasting. To support my answer, " To help save more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)." This evidence proves that saving water can help the Earth improve.

Corrections:

We can help the world improve by saving more water, rather than wasting it.

      • In the original sentence, it felt like it was missing a few words. To make the sentence more complete, I rephrased it a little.


The text details a water-saving strategy, "To help save more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)."

      • I rephrased the introduction to the quote to make it into the third person point of view.


In conclusion, this evidence proves that saving water can help preserve the Earth’s environment.

      • I added “in conclusion” to help you transition from the quote to the concluding sentence. You used “improve” in the paragraph already, so I said “help preserve the Earth’s environment” to add a variety of word choice.


Great work! You did a good job finding evidence to clearly support your answers. I suggest that you read over your paragraph to make sure the sentences are understandable.

Final version:

We can help the world improve by saving more water, rather than wasting it. The text details a water-saving strategy, "To help save more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)." In conclusion, this evidence proves that saving water can help preserve the Earth’s environment.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


Your brain cleanse itself and fights off harmful things while you sleep. In the text it states “Sleep enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.” This evidence proves that when you sleep you’re brain cleanse itself and protects you from harmful toxins.


Original Version:

Your brain cleanse itself and fights off harmful things while you sleep. In the text it states “Sleep enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.” This evidence proves that when you sleep you’re brain cleanse itself and protects you from harmful toxins.

Corrections:

Your brain cleanses itself and fights off harmful things while you sleep.

      • The verb cleanse should be in the plural form.


The text states “Sleep enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.”

      • “In the text it states” sounds a bit clunky. It would require two commas, one after “text” and another after “states.” So, I reworded the introductory phrase to make it lead into the quote better.


This evidence proves that when you sleep, your brain cleanses itself and protects you from harmful toxins.

      • A comma is missing after the word “sleep” as the clause is introductory. I also corrected “you’re” to “your,” because you are referring to someone’s brain, and are not saying “you are brain.” The verb cleanse should again be in the plural form.


Great work! You clearly answered the question and gave great evidence. Make sure to use correct verb forms, and use commas when necessary.

Final Version:

Your brain cleanses itself and fights off harmful things while you sleep. The text states “Sleep enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.” This evidence proves that when you sleep, your brain cleanses itself and protects you from harmful toxins.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




The difference between buck-wheat and willow-tree is that the buck-wheat couldn’t bend while the other could. In the text it states “ The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem.” To conclude this shows that the buck-wheat was different because it could not bend.



Original Version:

The difference between buck-wheat and willow-tree is that the buck-wheat couldn’t bend while the other could. In the text it states “The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem.” To conclude this shows that the buck-wheat was different because it could not bend.

Corrections:

The difference between buck-wheat and willow-tree is that the buck-wheat couldn’t bend while the other could.

      • Good!


The text states “The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem.”

      • The phrase at the beginning is a bit clunky. I edited it to make it sound less repetitive.


To conclude, this shows that the buckwheat was different because it could not bend.

      • A comma was missing after “conclude.” Also, the spelling of buckwheat was inconsistent with the quote, so I fixed this in this sentence and the first.


Great job! Make sure to check your work for punctuation errors.

Final Version:

The difference between buck-wheat and willow-tree is that the buck-wheat couldn’t bend while the other could. The text states “The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem.” To conclude, this shows that the buckwheat was different because it could not bend.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



The tree of the most kind is the burdock. In the text it states “Here and there stood an apple tree and a plum tree to serve as a kind of token that there had been once garden ,but everything, from one end of the garden to the other, was burdock and beneath the shade of burdock lived the last two of the ancient snails.”To conclude, this shows that the most kind of tree is burdock.



Original Version:

The tree of the most kind is the burdock. In the text it states “Here and there stood an apple tree and a plum tree to serve as a kind of token that there had been once garden ,but everything, from one end of the garden to the other, was burdock and beneath the shade of burdock lived the last two of the ancient snails.”To conclude, this shows that the most kind of tree is burdock.

Corrections:

The most common kind of tree is burdock.

      • “The most kind” made it seem like you are saying the tree is kind, as in nice. So, I reworded the sentence to make your meaning clear.


The text states, “Here and there stood an apple tree and a plum tree to serve as a kind of token that there had been once garden, but everything, from one end of the garden to the other, was burdock and beneath the shade of burdock lived the last two of the ancient snails.”

      • The introductory phrase is missing commas and sounds a bit clunky, so I shortened it to improve the grammar and flow of the sentence.


To conclude, this shows that the most popular kind of tree is burdock.

      • I edited this sentence to make the meaning clear, and to improve the grammar.


Good work! Make sure to proofread your sentence to make sure your sentences are clear in meaning and provide enough context to the reader.

Final Version:

The most common kind of tree is burdock. The text states, “Here and there stood an apple tree and a plum tree to serve as a kind of token that there had been once garden, but everything, from one end of the garden to the other, was burdock and beneath the shade of burdock lived the last two of the ancient snails.” To conclude, this shows that the most popular kind of tree is burdock.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



The merchant got wealthy because of a beautiful swan called the fortune swan. In the text it states "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling ,tossing waves of the ocean. One feather drifted down to a great merchant. The feather touched the merchants forehead and gave good luck ever since.This shows that the merchant got wealthy because of this bird called a fortune swan.



Original Version:

The merchant got wealthy because of a beautiful swan called the fortune swan. In the text it states "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling ,tossing waves of the ocean. One feather drifted down to a great merchant. The feather touched the merchants forehead and gave good luck ever since. This shows that the merchant got wealthy because of this bird called a fortune swan.

Corrections:

The merchant got wealthy because of a beautiful swan called the fortune swan.

      • Good!


The text states, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. One feather drifted down to a great merchant. The feather touched the merchant’s forehead and gave good luck ever since.”

      • You need to end your quotations with a quotation mark. The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky, so I reworded it and edited the grammar. Also, be wary of using too long of quotations, as it will take up most of the paragraph.


In conclusion, this shows that the merchant got wealthy because of this bird called a fortune swan.

      • I added “in conclusion” to help you transition more smoothly from the quote to the concluding sentence.


Good job! Try working on your grammar and transitions into quotes and conclusions.

Final Version:

The merchant got wealthy because of a beautiful swan called the fortune swan. The text states, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. One feather drifted down to a great merchant. The feather touched the merchant’s forehead and gave good luck ever since.” In conclusion, this shows that the merchant got wealthy because of this bird called a fortune swan.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




Soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story. In the text it states "The human beings do not like us ". In addition "They pursue and destroy us using soapsuds." This shows that soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story.



Original Version:

Soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story. In the text it states "The human beings do not like us ". In addition "They pursue and destroy us using soapsuds." This shows that soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story.

Corrections:

Soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story.

      • Good!


In the text, the plants think that "The human beings do not like us.”

      • The introductory phrase didn’t flow into the quotation very smoothly. I rephrased the sentence so the grammar would be improved. Also, periods go inside the quotation mark at the end of a quote.


In addition, soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story. According to the text, "They pursue and destroy us using soapsuds."

      • I switched the placement of the two sentences. I did this so you state the way soapsuds are being used first, and then use evidence to back up that claim after. This helps the readability of the paragraph.


In conclusion, soapsuds were used to harm plants in the story.

      • You need a conclusion sentence to restate your answer of the prompt, so I gave an example of a sentence you could use.


Good work! Make sure to structure your paragraph correctly, and proofread your writing for grammar errors.

Final Version:

Soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story. In the text, the plants think that "The human beings do not like us.” In addition, soapsuds were used to destroy plants in the story. According to the text, "They pursue and destroy us using soapsuds." In conclusion, soapsuds were used to harm plants in the story.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


Gerda had a difficult trip because it was super cold. She was freezing. In the text it states "Gerda was so pinched cold she couldn't speak at all." In conclusion Gerda had a difficult trip because on her trip it was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold.


Original Version:

Gerda had a difficult trip because it was super cold. She was freezing. In the text it states "Gerda was so pinched cold she couldn't speak at all." In conclusion Gerda had a difficult trip because on her trip it was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold.

Corrections:

Gerda’s trip in the story was difficult because it was super cold.

      • I edited specificity to the sentence to make it clearer to the reader that the person you are referring to comes from a story.


She was freezing during a good portion of the story.

      • I added more to this sentence so it would seem more complete.


In the text, it states "Gerda was so pinched with the cold she could not speak."

      • The introductory clause lacked punctuation, making the grammar incorrect. I added a comma to fix this issue. I also corrected the wording in the quotation.


In conclusion, Gerda had a difficult trip because on her trip it was freezing cold.

      • I understand why you adding more e’s to the word freezing, but I fixed spelling so it would be correct.

Good work. Make sure to check your work for punctuation and spelling errors.

Final Version:

Gerda’s trip in the story was difficult because it was super cold. She was freezing during a good portion of the story. In the text, it states "Gerda was so pinched with the cold she could not speak." In conclusion, Gerda had a difficult trip because on her trip it was freezing cold.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




The treasure can be gained by jumping the highest. In the text it states "I shall give treasure to who can jump the highest. Said the king."This evidence proves that the treasure will only be gained if you jump the highest.


Original Version:

The treasure can be gained by jumping the highest. In the text it states "I shall give treasure to who can jump the highest. Said the king."This evidence proves that the treasure will only be gained if you jump the highest.

Corrections:

The treasure can be gained by jumping the highest.

      • Good!


In the text, it states, "‘I shall give treasure to who can jump the highest,’ said the king."

      • Because the King is speaking, you need to put a single quotation. mark around his dialogue, and double quotation marks at the end and beginning of the entire quote. Also, there is a comma missing after the word “text” and the word “states,” commas are needed for the grammar to be correct.


This evidence proves that the treasure will only be gained if you jump the highest.

      • Good!


Great work! Make sure to add commas to sentences that need them. A way to spot areas that need them is by reading it out loud and adding a comma at the place you pause when speaking.

Final Version:

The treasure can be gained by jumping the highest. In the text, it states, "‘I shall give treasure to who can jump the highest,’ said the king." This evidence proves that the treasure will only be gained if you jump the highest.


The main characters in the story was one leg. He is the main character because the story talks about him and how he liked this girl that was a dancer. One leg thinks the little dancer is also a one leg because she moves with one leg without losing her balance. In the text it states “That would just be a wife for me.” Thought one leg. “If she were not to grand. But she lives in a castle, while I have only a box.” A snuffbox happened to be upon the table and he lay down at full length behind it, and here he could easily watch the dainty little lady, who still remained standing on one leg without losing her balance. To conclude, the character is one leg because he likes this little dancer which he thinks has one leg as well.


Original Version:

The main characters in the story was one leg. He is the main character because the story talks about him and how he liked this girl that was a dancer. One leg thinks the little dancer is also a one leg because she moves with one leg without losing her balance. In the text it states “That would just be a wife for me.” Thought one leg. “If she were not to grand. But she lives in a castle, while I have only a box.” A snuffbox happened to be upon the table and he lay down at full length behind it, and here he could easily watch the dainty little lady, who still remained standing on one leg without losing her balance. To conclude, the character is one leg because he likes this little dancer which he thinks has one leg as well.

Corrections:

The main character in the story was one leg.

      • The word character should be in the singular form as you are referring to one character, not multiple.


He is the main character because the story talks about him and how he liked this girl that was a dancer.

      • Good!


He likes the little dancer because she moves with one leg without losing her balance.

      • This sentence is a bit too wordy. I edited it to make the sentence more concise.


In the text, it states, “‘That would just be a wife for me.’ Thought one leg. ‘If she were not too grand. But she lives in a castle, while I have only a box.’”

      • You were missing a comma after the word “text” and “states.” I also fixed the quotation marks around the dialogue inside the quotation. I also fixed the form of the word “too” in the sentence.


A snuffbox happened to be upon the table and he lay down at full length behind it, and here he could easily watch the dainty little lady, who still remained standing on one leg without losing her balance.

      • This was originally a run-on sentence. To fix this, I added a comma before the coordinating conjunction “and.” I also deleted the word “still” as it is redundant when next to the word “remained” which means the same thing.


To conclude, the main character is one leg because he likes this little dancer which he thinks has one leg as well.

      • You were missing the word “main” in front of the word "character." Also, I added a comma where one was missing. I changed “which” to “who” as this is grammatically correct.


Good work! Remember to check your work for spelling errors.

Final Version:

The main character in the story was one leg. He is the main character because the story talks about him and how he liked this girl that was a dancer. He likes the little dancer because she moves with one leg without losing her balance. In the text, it states, “‘That would just be a wife for me.’ Thought one leg. ‘If she were not too grand. But she lives in a castle, while I have only a box.’” A snuffbox happened to be upon the table and he lay down at full length behind it, and here he could easily watch the dainty little lady, who still remained standing on one leg without losing her balance. To conclude, the main character is one leg because he likes this little dancer which he thinks has one leg as well.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




Fern sang the song to foreshadow flax’s future. Fern sang the song to explain that you will never always be happy in life nor always be sad in life. You will be sad for sometime but that frown will turn upside down. In the text it states “ My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.” Said flax. “ Ah, yes, no doubt," said the fern, "but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty"; and then it sang quite mournfully: "Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre. The song is ended." In addition “Well, one day some people came, who took hold of the flax and pulled it up by the roots, which was very painful. Then it was laid in water, as if it were to be drowned, and after that placed near a fire, as if it were to be roasted. All this was very shocking. We cannot expect to be happy always," said the flax. The fern was not wrong when it sang, 'Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre.”said Flax. To conclude this evidence proves that Fern sang the song to tell Flax the message you will never always be happy nor sad.



Original Version:

Fern sang the song to foreshadow flax’s future. Fern sang the song to explain that you will never always be happy in life nor always be sad in life. You will be sad for sometime but that frown will turn upside down. In the text it states “ My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.” Said flax. “ Ah, yes, no doubt," said the fern, "but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty"; and then it sang quite mournfully: "Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre. The song is ended." In addition “Well, one day some people came, who took hold of the flax and pulled it up by the roots, which was very painful. Then it was laid in water, as if it were to be drowned, and after that placed near a fire, as if it were to be roasted. All this was very shocking. We cannot expect to be happy always," said the flax. The fern was not wrong when it sang, 'Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre.”said Flax. To conclude this evidence proves that Fern sang the song to tell Flax the message you will never always be happy nor sad.

Corrections:

Fern sang the song to foreshadow flax’s future, and to explain that you won’t always be happy or sad.

      • Good! I just combined the first sentence and the second as the ideas were connected. I also reworded a bit of it so it would be grammatically correct. 


You will be sad for some time but that frown will turn upside down.

      • "Sometime" should be written as "some time" in this case, as it is being used as a phrase consisting of an adjective and a noun.


In the text, it states “‘My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.’ Said flax. ‘Ah, yes, no doubt,’ said the fern, ‘but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty’; and then it sang quite mournfully: ‘Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre. The song is ended.’”

      • I added a comma after the phrase "in the text." Also, because the quoted material you are using contains dialogue, there need to be single quotation marks around the dialogue and double quotation marks outside the entire quote like you have as well.


In addition, the text states “‘Well, one day some people came, who took hold of the flax and pulled it up by the roots, which was very painful. Then it was laid in water, as if it were to be drowned, and after that placed near a fire, as if it were to be roasted. All this was very shocking. We cannot expect to be happy always,’ said the flax.”

      • I edited this section of the paragraph so the introductory phrase would be grammatically correct. I also deleted the last sentence of the quote, as it was unnecessary. I corrected the quotation marks as well.


To conclude, this evidence proves that Fern sang the song to tell Flax the message that you won’t always be happy or sad.

      • There needs to be a comma after the phrase “to conclude.” The last few words of the sentences sounded a bit clunky, so I also rephrased it to make it easier to read.


Good work! I suggest working on explaining your evidence after you provide it, so the reader understands how it connects to your answer.

Final Version:

Fern sang the song to foreshadow flax’s future, and to explain that you won’t always be happy or sad. You will be sad for some time but that frown will turn upside down. In the text, it states “‘My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.’ Said flax. ‘Ah, yes, no doubt,’ said the fern, ‘but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty’; and then it sang quite mournfully: ‘Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre. The song is ended.’” In addition, the text states “‘Well, one day some people came, who took hold of the flax and pulled it up by the roots, which was very painful. Then it was laid in water, as if it were to be drowned, and after that placed near a fire, as if it were to be roasted. All this was very shocking. We cannot expect to be happy always,’ said the flax.” To conclude, this evidence proves that Fern sang the song to tell Flax the message that you won’t always be happy or sad.



Ali baba was able to know how to get in the cave because she followed the robbers until they went in. In the text it states "Ali baba went boldly into the cave and took as much gold coins, which were in bags, as he thought his three asses could carry." This shows that Ali Baba was smart and followed the robbers to get into the cave.


Original Version:

Ali baba was able to know how to get in the cave because she followed the robbers until they went in. In the text it states "Ali baba went boldly into the cave and took as much gold coins, which were in bags, as he thought his three asses could carry." This shows that Ali Baba was smart and followed the robbers to get into the cave.

Corrections:

Ali Baba knew how to get in the cave because he followed the robbers when they went in.

      • I corrected the pronoun from “she” to “he.” I also deleted “was able to” as it is an empty phrase that is not needed to get across your point. I also changed “until” to “when” as I thought it fit into the context of the sentence better. Lastly, I corrected the capitalization of his name.


In the text, it states "Ali baba went boldly into the cave and took as much gold coins, which were in bags, as he thought his three asses could carry."

      • The introductory phrase was missing a comma, so I added one after the word “text” so the grammar would be correct.


This shows that Ali Baba was smart and followed the robbers to get into the cave.

      • Good!


In conclusion, Ali Baba knew how to get into the cave by watching the robbers.

      • I added a conclusion sentence, as you need one to follow the assigned paragraph structure. Also, it helps summarize your ideas by explaining your final thoughts in a conclusion sentence.


Good work! Just make sure to add a conclusion sentence at the end.

Final Version:

Ali Baba knew how to get in the cave because he followed the robbers when they went in. In the text, it states "Ali baba went boldly into the cave and took as much gold coins, which were in bags, as he thought his three asses could carry." This shows that Ali Baba was smart and followed the robbers to get into the cave. In conclusion, Ali Baba knew how to get into the cave by watching the robbers.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



I think the authors purpose of writing this story is to tell us which rooster was more useful. In the text it states "Which one of the two roosters was the more useful ? " In addition "The yard rooster does not lay eggs more than I do ,and I am too lazy. I could lay a wind egg if I liked but the world is not worth a wind egg." This shows that the authors purpose was to show who was more useful.


Original Version:

I think the authors purpose of writing this story is to tell us which rooster was more useful. In the text it states "Which one of the two roosters was the more useful ? " In addition "The yard rooster does not lay eggs more than I do ,and I am too lazy. I could lay a wind egg if I liked but the world is not worth a wind egg." This shows that the authors purpose was to show who was more useful.

Corrections:

The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell us which rooster was more useful.

      • I took out the use of “I” so the point of view would be in the third person rather than the first person, making your argument seem more objective. Also, the word “author” should be in the genitive case. The form of the word “authors” refers to more than one author, while “author’s” shows that the author is possessing something, which in this case is the purpose of the story. Lastly, I changed the preposition “of” to “for,” as the word for can be used to indicate the reason for something, while the word of is used to indicate relation of something.


In the text, it states, "Which one of the two roosters was the more useful?"

      • There needs to be a comma after “in the text” as it is an introductory phrase, there is also a missing comma after the word “states.” Also, there shouldn’t be a space between the last word of the sentence and the question mark or a space between the question mark and the quotation mark, so I fixed these two issues.


In addition, "The yard rooster does not lay eggs more than I do, and I am too lazy. I could lay a wind egg if I liked but the world is not worth a wind egg."

      • There needs to be a comma again in this case as it is also an introductory phrase.


In conclusion, this evidence shows that the author's purpose was to show who was more useful.

      • I added “in conclusion” to help transition into your conclusion. I also added the word “evidence” so what the word “this” was referring to was clear. Lastly, I changed the form of "author" again to its correct form.


Final Version:

The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell us which rooster was more useful. In the text, it states, "Which one of the two roosters was the more useful?" In addition, "The yard rooster does not lay eggs more than I do, and I am too lazy. I could lay a wind egg if I liked but the world is not worth a wind egg." In conclusion, this evidence shows that the author's purpose was to show who was more useful.

Great work! I suggest working on adding more commas to your sentences where they are needed to help improve the grammar of the paragraph.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


Great Claus took Little Claus' horse because he acted as if 5 horses were his but weren't. In the text it states "They looked at Little Claus plowing with five horses, and he was so proud and merry that he cracked his whip and cried, "Gee-up, my fine horses. "You mustn't say that," said Great Claus, "for only one of them is yours. said Great Claus." "I will certainly not say it again, I promise you," said Little Claus. But as soon as anyone came by, nodding good day to him, he was so pleased and felt so grand at having five horses plowing his field, that again he cried out, "Gee-up, all my horses." said Little Claus "I'll gee-up your horses for you," said Great Claus, and he caught up to the horse and took it far away." This shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.



Original Version:

Great Claus took Little Claus' horse because he acted as if 5 horses were his but weren't. In the text it states "They looked at Little Claus plowing with five horses, and he was so proud and merry that he cracked his whip and cried, "Gee-up, my fine horses. "You mustn't say that," said Great Claus, "for only one of them is yours. said Great Claus." "I will certainly not say it again, I promise you," said Little Claus. But as soon as anyone came by, nodding good day to him, he was so pleased and felt so grand at having five horses plowing his field, that again he cried out, "Gee-up, all my horses." said Little Claus "I'll gee-up your horses for you," said Great Claus, and he caught up to the horse and took it far away." This shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.

Corrections:

Great Claus took Little Claus' horse, acting as if the five horses were his.

      • I reworded the sentence to make it more concise and to improve the grammar.


In the text, it states "They looked at Little Claus plowing with five horses, and he was so proud and merry that he cracked his whip and cried, "Gee-up, my fine horses. ‘You mustn't say that,’ said Great Claus, ‘for only one of them is yours. said Great Claus.’”

      • I edited the grammar of the introductory clause, adding a comma. I also edited down the quotation because it was too long. I also corrected the punctuation errors.


According to the text, “he caught up to the horse and took it far away."

      • I added a transition sentence and also edited down the quote so it would better show evidence for your point.


In conclusion, the evidence shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.

      • Good! I just edited the sentence to help fix the grammar errors.


Great work! I suggest continuing to improve your writing by adding evidence that directly ties to your point.

Final Version:

Great Claus took Little Claus' horse, acting as if the five horses were his. In the text, it states "They looked at Little Claus plowing with five horses, and he was so proud and merry that he cracked his whip and cried, "Gee-up, my fine horses. ‘You mustn't say that,’ said Great Claus, ‘for only one of them is yours. said Great Claus.’” According to the text, “he caught up to the horse and took it far away." In conclusion, the evidence shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




The young lady was very interested in Rome. In the text it states "I should like to see Rome," she said "In addition "An organist!" exclaimed the lady" This evidence shows what the young lady was interested in.



Original Version:

The young lady was very interested in Rome. In the text it states "I should like to see Rome," she said "In addition "An organist!" exclaimed the lady" This evidence shows what the young lady was interested in.

Corrections:

The young lady was very interested in Rome in the story.

      • I added “in the story” so the reader would know what lady you are referring to. Otherwise, they could think you are talking about any lady.


The text states “‘I should like to see Rome,’ she said.”

      • I reworded the clause so it would sound less clunky and be grammatically correct. I also added single quotation marks around the dialogue in the quotation. Lastly, the period at the end of the sentence is supposed to go inside the quotation mark.


In addition, she was also interested in organs. In the text, she says “‘An organist!’ exclaimed the lady.”

      • I split this into two sentences and stated that she was interested in organs to better introduce the quote. Also, you need to have a period at the end of the sentence.


In conclusion, this evidence shows that the young lady was interested in organs and Rome.

      • I added a transitional phrase to strengthen your conclusion. I also reworded the sentence so it wouldn’t end in the preposition “in,” and so it stated what the two things she was interested in were.


Final Version:

The young lady was very interested in Rome in the story. The text states “‘I should like to see Rome,’ she said.” In addition, she was also interested in organs. In the text, she says “‘An organist!’ exclaimed the lady.” In conclusion, this evidence shows that the young lady was interested in organs and Rome.

Good work! Make sure to clearly explain your answer by providing more context.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



The shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes. In the text it states "In the middle of the village lived old Dame Shoemaker; she sat and sewed together, as well as she could, a little pair of shoes out of old red strips of cloth; they were very clumsy, but it was a kind thought. They were meant for the little girl. The little girl was called Karen." This shows that the shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes.


Original Version:

The shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes. In the text it states "In the middle of the village lived old Dame Shoemaker; she sat and sewed together, as well as she could, a little pair of shoes out of old red strips of cloth; they were very clumsy, but it was a kind thought. They were meant for the little girl. The little girl was called Karen." This shows that the shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes.

Corrections:

The shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes.

  • Good!


In the text, it states "In the middle of the village lived old Dame Shoemaker; she sat and sewed together, as well as she could, a little pair of shoes out of old red strips of cloth; they were very clumsy, but it was a kind thought.”

      • There needs to be a comma after the word text, as the beginning is an introductory clause that needs to be followed with a comma. I also deleted the last two lines of the quotation, as it felt too long. When using quotes from the text as evidence, it’s better to be more concise and include only what applies to your argument. The name of the girl doesn’t really connect to how the shoemaker felt about the shoes.


This shows that the shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes because she was making them for others.

      • You need to explain why the quote shows they care about shoes. I added more detail to make this clear.


In conclusion, the sh


oemaker cared about the red shoes as she enjoyed making them for people.

      • You need to end your paragraph with a conclusion sentence to summarize your point.


Great work! Make sure to explain your answer thoroughly after citing evidence from the text. The quote gives proof, but you need to interpret what the proof means to the reader.

Final Version:

The shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes. In the text, it states "In the middle of the village lived old Dame Shoemaker; she sat and sewed together, as well as she could, a little pair of shoes out of old red strips of cloth; they were very clumsy, but it was a kind thought.” This shows that the shoemaker felt very highly about the red shoes because she was making them for others. In conclusion, the shoemaker cared about the red shoes as she enjoyed making them for people.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


I would describe the 4 year old boy hard working and nice. In the text it state "They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the father. ‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big." This shows my opinion about the 4 year old boy.


Original Version:

I would describe the 4 year old boy hard working and nice. In the text it state "They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the father. ‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big." This shows my opinion about the 4 year old boy.

Corrections:

The 4-year-old boy is hardworking and nice.

      • There need to be hyphens in the phrase “4-year-old.” I also deleted the personal pronouns in the sentence to make it sound more objective. Lastly, hardworking needs to be one word.


In the text, it states "They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the father. ‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big."

      • Great job on the punctuation in the quote! I added a comma after the first clause as it is an introductory clause. Also, the word “states” should be plural to be grammatically correct.


In conclusion, the 4-year-old boy is hard working and nice, because he makes a trough for his parents.

      • I added an explanation as to why he is nice, as you need to describe why the quote shows that he is. I also deleted the personal pronouns again and added hyphens when describing the boys’ age. Lastly, I added the phrase “in conclusion” so the sentence would start with a transitional phrase.


Final Version:

The 4-year-old boy is hardworking and nice. In the text, it states "They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the father. ‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big." In conclusion, the 4-year-old boy is hard working and nice, because he makes a trough for his parents.

Good work on your punctuation placement in your quote!

Edited by Hayley Taylor



The mistake the frogs made was they lived very far away so they never heard from each other. In the text it states "Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs, one of whom made his home in a ditch near the town of Osaka, on the sea coast, while the other dwelt in a clear little stream which ran through the city of Kioto. At such a great distance apart, they had never even heard of each other; but, funnily enough, the idea came into both their heads at once that they should like to see a little of the world, and the frog who lived at Kioto wanted to visit Osaka, and the frog who lived at Osaka wished to go to Kioto, where the great Mikado had his palace. So one fine morning in the spring they both set out along the road that led from Kioto to Osaka, one from one end and the other from the other. The journey was more tiring than they expected, for they did not know much about travelling, and half way between the two towns there arose a mountain which had to be climbed. It took them a long time and a great many hops to reach the top." This evidence shows the mistake the frogs made. They lived too apart from each other.



Original Version:

The mistake the frogs made was they lived very far away so they never heard from each other. In the text it states "Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs, one of whom made his home in a ditch near the town of Osaka, on the sea coast, while the other dwelt in a clear little stream which ran through the city of Kioto. At such a great distance apart, they had never even heard of each other; but, funnily enough, the idea came into both their heads at once that they should like to see a little of the world, and the frog who lived at Kioto wanted to visit Osaka, and the frog who lived at Osaka wished to go to Kioto, where the great Mikado had his palace. So one fine morning in the spring they both set out along the road that led from Kioto to Osaka, one from one end and the other from the other. The journey was more tiring than they expected, for they did not know much about travelling, and half way between the two towns there arose a mountain which had to be climbed. It took them a long time and a great many hops to reach the top." This evidence shows the mistake the frogs made. They lived too apart from each other.

Corrections:

The mistake the frogs made was living far away from one another, making it hard to hear each other.

      • I edited the grammar of the sentence.


The text states "there lived two frogs, one of whom made his home in a ditch near the town of Osaka, on the sea coast, while the other dwelt in a clear little stream which ran through the city of Kioto. At such a great distance apart, they had never even heard of each other.”

      • This quote is too long. Try using only the parts of the text that directly apply to your explanation. I edited it down so it would be more concise. I also edited the grammar of the introductory clause.


This evidence shows that the mistake the frogs made was living too far apart from each other.

      • I combined the two sentences as I think that they connect to one another, placing them together improves the flow of information you are giving.


Final Version:

The mistake the frogs made was living far away from one another, making it hard to hear each other. The text states "there lived two frogs, one of whom made his home in a ditch near the town of Osaka, on the sea coast, while the other dwelt in a clear little stream which ran through the city of Kioto. At such a great distance apart, they had never even heard of each other.” This evidence shows that the mistake the frogs made was living too far apart from each other.

Good work! Make sure to use shorter quotations that apply to your answer.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



Lazy Jack was able to become rich because he carried and brought a donkey on his shoulders. In the text it states "On the next Monday, Lazy Jack went once more, and hired himself to a cattle-keeper, who gave him a donkey for his trouble. Jack found it hard to hoist the donkey on his shoulders, but at last he did it, and began walking slowly home with his prize. Now it happened that in the course of his journey there lived a rich man with his only daughter, a beautiful girl, but deaf and dumb. Now she had never laughed in her life, and the doctors said she would never speak till somebody made her laugh. This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing. Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness."This shows that Lazy Jack became rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders.



Original Version:

Lazy Jack was able to become rich because he carried and brought a donkey on his shoulders. In the text it states "On the next Monday, Lazy Jack went once more, and hired himself to a cattle-keeper, who gave him a donkey for his trouble. Jack found it hard to hoist the donkey on his shoulders, but at last he did it, and began walking slowly home with his prize. Now it happened that in the course of his journey there lived a rich man with his only daughter, a beautiful girl, but deaf and dumb. Now she had never laughed in her life, and the doctors said she would never speak till somebody made her laugh. This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing. Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness."This shows that Lazy Jack became rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders.

Corrections:

Lazy Jack was able to become rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders.

      • I deleted “brought” because it is unnecessary, as the word “carried” has a similar meaning.


In the text, it states "Jack found it hard to hoist the donkey on his shoulders, but at last he did it, and began walking slowly home with his prize.” This quote from the text proves that Jack carried a donkey on his shoulders. The reason he came rich because of it is because a girl saw him carrying the donkey and recovered her speech. According to the text, this was because “the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing. Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman.”

      • I added a comma after the introductory phrase to correct the grammar. The quotation you used is also very long. So, I split the quotation apart and put a sentence after each one to help explain how it contributes to your answer. This way, the flow of your paragraph is better.


In conclusion, Lazy Jack became rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders and made the rich man’s daughter recovered her ability to speak and hear.

      • I added “in conclusion” so there would be a transition into your conclusion. I also elaborated more on why carrying a donkey on his shoulders made him rich, so it could be completely clear to the reader.


Final Version:

Lazy Jack was able to become rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders. In the text, it states "Jack found it hard to hoist the donkey on his shoulders, but at last he did it, and began walking slowly home with his prize.” This quote from the text proves that Jack carried a donkey on his shoulders. The reason he came rich because of it is because a girl saw him carrying the donkey and recovered her speech. According to the text, this was because “the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing. Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman.” In conclusion, Lazy Jack became rich because he carried a donkey on his shoulders and made the rich man’s daughter recovered her ability to speak and hear.

Great work! I suggest splitting up your quotations into separate sentences to improve the flow of your paragraph.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



I think Johnny cake felt happy for winning against the others in running. In the text it states "On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to two well-diggers who looked up from their work and called out: “Where ya going, Johnny-cake?" He said: “I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!” “Ya can, can ya? we'll see about that?” said they; and they threw down their picks and ran after him, but couldn't catch up with him, and soon they had to sit down by the roadside to rest. On ran Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to two ditch-diggers who were digging a ditch. “Where ya going, Johnny-cake?” said they. He said: “I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and I can outrun you too-o-o! “Ya can, can ya? we'll see about that!” said they; and they threw down their spades, and ran after him too. But Johnny-cake soon outstripped them also, and seeing they could never catch him, they gave up the chase and sat down to rest." This shows that Johnny cake felt happy for beating the others in the race.


Original Version:

I think Johnny cake felt happy for winning against the others in running. In the text it states "On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to two well-diggers who looked up from their work and called out: “Where ya going, Johnny-cake?" He said: “I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!” “Ya can, can ya? we'll see about that?” said they; and they threw down their picks and ran after him, but couldn't catch up with him, and soon they had to sit down by the roadside to rest. On ran Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to two ditch-diggers who were digging a ditch. “Where ya going, Johnny-cake?” said they. He said: “I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and I can outrun you too-o-o! “Ya can, can ya? we'll see about that!” said they; and they threw down their spades, and ran after him too. But Johnny-cake soon outstripped them also, and seeing they could never catch him, they gave up the chase and sat down to rest." This shows that Johnny cake felt happy for beating the others in the race.

Corrections:

Johnny-cake felt happy about winning against the others in running.

      • I added the hyphen in his name, and changed the preposition “for” to “about” so the grammar was correct.


In the text, it states that "they threw down their picks and ran after him, but couldn't catch up with him, and soon they had to sit down by the roadside to rest.” He was happy that the others couldn’t keep up with him. Another reason he was glad to win is that he managed to out-run others as well, and rested afterward. According to the text, “they threw down their spades, and ran after him too. But Johnny-cake soon outstripped them also, and seeing they could never catch him, they gave up the chase and sat down to rest.”

      • This quotation from the text is a bit too long. Some of the sentences don’t apply to your point. I broke it up into two separate pieces of evidence, and also wrote sentences proceeding or proceeding both of the quotes to describe why it connects to your answer. I also added a comma where it was necessary for the introductory clause.

In conclusion, this shows that Johnny-cake felt happy for beating the others in the race.

      • I added a phrase at the beginning to help you transition into your conclusion. I also corrected the name by adding a hyphen.

Final Version:

Johnny-cake felt happy about winning against the others in running. In the text, it states that "they threw down their picks and ran after him, but couldn't catch up with him, and soon they had to sit down by the roadside to rest.” He was happy that the others couldn’t keep up with him. Another reason he was glad to win is that he managed to out-run others as well, and rested afterward. According to the text, “they threw down their spades, and ran after him too. But Johnny-cake soon outstripped them also, and seeing they could never catch him, they gave up the chase and sat down to rest.” In conclusion, this shows that Johnny-cake felt happy for beating the others in the race.

Good job! Make sure that you use evidence that relates to your answer and that it’s not too long so the reader doesn’t get overwhelmed.

Edited by Hayley Taylor





Schippeitaro captured the Cat King because he waited until midnight a then he striked. In the text it states "At midnight, when the full moon appeared above the top of the mountain, the cats again filled the chapel and shrieked and yelled and danced as before. But this time they had in their midst a huge black cat who seemed to be their king, and whom the young man guessed to be the Spirit of the Mountain. The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping.At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro. This shows how Schippeitaro captured the cat king.



Original Version:

Schippeitaro captured the Cat King because he waited until midnight a then he striked. In the text it states "At midnight, when the full moon appeared above the top of the mountain, the cats again filled the chapel and shrieked and yelled and danced as before. But this time they had in their midst a huge black cat who seemed to be their king, and whom the young man guessed to be the Spirit of the Mountain. The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping.At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro. This shows how Schippeitaro captured the cat king.

Corrections:

Schippeitaro waited until midnight to capture the Cat King.

      • I rephrased the sentence so it would be more active and less wordy.


In the text, it states "At midnight, when the full moon appeared above the top of the mountain, the cats again filled the chapel and shrieked and yelled and danced as before...But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.”

      • This quote is too long. Instead of taking a whole paragraph from the text, consider just doing one or two lines from it. Sometimes, less is more. I edited the quotation down to what was relevant to your answer. I added an ellipsis to skip parts of the quotation, to show that there are some parts I left out. I also added a comma in the introductory clause to correct the grammar.


In conclusion, this evidence shows how Schippeitaro captured the cat king.

      • I added a transitional phrase at the beginning of the sentence to strengthen the flow of your paragraph. I also added the word “evidence” for the sake of clarity.


Great work! Remember to use shorter quotations, so the reader doesn’t get overwhelmed by the length of the quote.

Final Version:

Schippeitaro waited until midnight to capture the Cat King. In the text, it states "At midnight, when the full moon appeared above the top of the mountain, the cats again filled the chapel and shrieked and yelled and danced as before...But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.” In conclusion, this evidence shows how Schippeitaro captured the cat king.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


The poem's stanzas tells that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text it states"When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled alot of people with the lion skin.



Original Version:

The poem's stanzas tells that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text it states"When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled alot of people with the lion skin.

Corrections:

The poem's stanzas tell the reader that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin.

      • I added “tell the reader” as before the word “tell” didn’t properly fit in the sentence.


In the text, it states "When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him."

      • There needs to be two commas in the introductory statement before the quotation. One after the first clause “in the text” and another after “states” to help incorporate the quote into the paragraph.


This shows that the donkey fooled a lot of people with the lion skin.

      • The word “a lot” has a space between it.


Great work! Just double-check your work for places where commas may be necessary.

Final Version:

The poem's stanzas tell the reader that the donkey tricked a lot of people with the lion skin. In the text, it states "When the watchmen in the fields saw the donkey, they dared not go near him, taking him for a lion. So one day the hawker stopped in a village; and whilst he was getting his own breakfast cooked, he dressed the donkey in a lion's skin, and turned him loose in a barley-field. The watchmen in the field dared not go up to him." This shows that the donkey fooled a lot of people with the lion skin.