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Teno's Writing Page
 
Teno's Writing Page
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I think the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him because the raven said that it was done helping the farmer and the raven kept on saying that he helped the cattle and the raven would bring them home.  
 
I think the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him because the raven said that it was done helping the farmer and the raven kept on saying that he helped the cattle and the raven would bring them home.  
 
<br><br> To start with, the farmer was irritated because when the farmer asked what the raven it  helped with it was saying that he was done for the day because helped with the cattle and took care of them. The story states "... One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle." "What was your work?" asked the farmer. "Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home." This means, the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like why he was coming to the farm so it could just pretend it was helping. To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying and was saying stuff that wasn't true. The farmer was also not happy how the raven was trying to look good and steal all the hard work that he did. According to the story it says "... "Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. "Certainly," said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows, the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the bull and making sure they would all come home but the raven was trying to take all the credit.  
 
<br><br> To start with, the farmer was irritated because when the farmer asked what the raven it  helped with it was saying that he was done for the day because helped with the cattle and took care of them. The story states "... One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle." "What was your work?" asked the farmer. "Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home." This means, the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like why he was coming to the farm so it could just pretend it was helping. To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying and was saying stuff that wasn't true. The farmer was also not happy how the raven was trying to look good and steal all the hard work that he did. According to the story it says "... "Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. "Certainly," said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows, the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the bull and making sure they would all come home but the raven was trying to take all the credit.  
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According to the story, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him. <br>
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'''***Edited to refer back to the question and avoid a run-on.'''
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The raven said that it was done helping the farmer and that he helped bring the cattle home. <br>
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'''***Edited for clarity.'''
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To start, the farmer was irritated because raven claimed it took care of the cattle. <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency and clarity.'''
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The text states, "One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, 'Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.' 'What was your work?' asked the farmer. 'Why,' said the raven, 'the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.'" <br>
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'''***Edited for word choice and punctuation.'''
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This means that the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like that he was coming to the farm just to pretend to help. <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency.'''
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To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying. <br>
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'''***Edited for conciseness.'''
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The farmer was also not happy that the raven was trying to look good and steal the credit for all the hard work that he did. <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency.'''
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The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer. 'Certainly,' said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" <br>
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'''***Edited for phrasing and punctuation.'''
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This shows that the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the cattle and making sure they all came home, but the raven was trying to take all the credit. <br>
 +
'''***Edited for fluency and punctuation.'''
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In conclusion, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven had to say to him. <br>
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'''***Good!'''
  
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The farmer felt this way because of how disrespectful the raven behaved. <br>
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'''***Edited for word choice and fluency.'''
  
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If I were the farmer, I would be really mad and annoyed because I would have worked pretty hard for everything. <br>
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'''***Good!'''
  
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  According to the story, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him. The raven said that it was done helping the farmer and that he helped bring the cattle home.
 +
  To start, the farmer was irritated because raven claimed it took care of the cattle. The text states, "One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, 'Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.' 'What was your work?' asked the farmer. 'Why,' said the raven, 'the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.'" his means that the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like that he was coming to the farm just to pretend to help. To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying. The farmer was also not happy that the raven was trying to look good and steal the credit for all the hard work that he did. The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer. 'Certainly,' said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" This shows that the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the cattle and making sure they all came home, but the raven was trying to take all the credit.
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  In conclusion, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven had to say to him. The farmer felt this way because of how disrespectful the raven behaved. If I were the farmer, I would be really mad and annoyed because I would have worked pretty hard for everything. <br>
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'''***Overall, good job! Try to only use one sentence for quotes from the text.'''
  
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'''Edited by Nicole Glidden'''
  
  
  
  
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Revision as of 05:49, 30 July 2020

Teno's Writing Page

I think the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him because the raven said that it was done helping the farmer and the raven kept on saying that he helped the cattle and the raven would bring them home.

To start with, the farmer was irritated because when the farmer asked what the raven it helped with it was saying that he was done for the day because helped with the cattle and took care of them. The story states "... One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle." "What was your work?" asked the farmer. "Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home." This means, the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like why he was coming to the farm so it could just pretend it was helping. To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying and was saying stuff that wasn't true. The farmer was also not happy how the raven was trying to look good and steal all the hard work that he did. According to the story it says "... "Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. "Certainly," said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows, the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the bull and making sure they would all come home but the raven was trying to take all the credit.

In conclusion, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven had to say to him. The farmer wasplike this because of how disrespectful the raven was being. If I were the farmer, I would be really mad and annoyed because I would have worked pretty hard for everything.


According to the story, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him.
***Edited to refer back to the question and avoid a run-on.

The raven said that it was done helping the farmer and that he helped bring the cattle home.
***Edited for clarity.

To start, the farmer was irritated because raven claimed it took care of the cattle.
***Edited for fluency and clarity.

The text states, "One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, 'Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.' 'What was your work?' asked the farmer. 'Why,' said the raven, 'the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.'"
***Edited for word choice and punctuation.

This means that the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like that he was coming to the farm just to pretend to help.
***Edited for fluency.

To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying.
***Edited for conciseness.

The farmer was also not happy that the raven was trying to look good and steal the credit for all the hard work that he did.
***Edited for fluency.

The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer. 'Certainly,' said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'"
***Edited for phrasing and punctuation.

This shows that the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the cattle and making sure they all came home, but the raven was trying to take all the credit.
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

In conclusion, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven had to say to him. 

***Good!

The farmer felt this way because of how disrespectful the raven behaved.
***Edited for word choice and fluency.

If I were the farmer, I would be really mad and annoyed because I would have worked pretty hard for everything.
***Good!

  According to the story, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven said to him. The raven said that it was done helping the farmer and that he helped bring the cattle home.
 To start, the farmer was irritated because raven claimed it took care of the cattle. The text states, "One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, 'Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.' 'What was your work?' asked the farmer. 'Why,' said the raven, 'the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.'" his means that the farmer was irritated by the raven and didn't like that he was coming to the farm just to pretend to help. To add on, the farmer was also displeased because the raven was lying. The farmer was also not happy that the raven was trying to look good and steal the credit for all the hard work that he did. The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer. 'Certainly,' said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" This shows that the farmer was very displeased because he worked really hard on taking care of the cattle and making sure they all came home, but the raven was trying to take all the credit. 
  In conclusion, the farmer was irritated and displeased by what the raven had to say to him. The farmer felt this way because of how disrespectful the raven behaved. If I were the farmer, I would be really mad and annoyed because I would have worked pretty hard for everything. 

***Overall, good job! Try to only use one sentence for quotes from the text.

Edited by Nicole Glidden





The monkey was able to escape himself from his unlawful sentence by use his fiddle and to play a song. He also, scared fo the animals and they all went to new places. This happened because the lion told the monkey that he would give the monkey his whole kingdom and whatever he wanted but he refused and disobeyed so everyone was surprised an left because they were scared.

To begin with, when the monkey was there, he was charged with a sentence. So, he was still allowed to have his bow and arrow and he was also till able to play his fiddle. When he started playing, he mad everyone dance wit the humor of the fiddle. The text states “... He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.” This shows, he was able to make everyone move and dance to have fun so they were all now in a good mood but, the monkey hadn’t even noticed because he was too busy playing strongly. To add on, when both the lion and wolf asked him to stop he didn’t really hear so ignored them without knowing. But the second time, the lion was desperate at to the monkey he would give the monkey his kingdom and everything but he refused and didn’t want the request. According to the text it says “... Wolf was the first to cry out in pleading tones breathlessly, "Please stop, Cousin Monkey! For love's sake, please stop!"But Monkey did not even hear him. Over and over sounded the resistless waltz of "Cockcrow.” After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing.""I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me... The court and other animals were so afraid that he might begin again that they hastily disbanded to new parts of the world.” To clarify, because the monkey didn’t want the trade/request, all the court people moved to different places because they were afraid about what would happen net so they all left immediately.

In final analysis, the monkey was able to escape from his unlawful sentence. One way was he used his fiddle to play a song and for some reason his fiddle playing pleased the court people and they started to dance until their feet hurt. Another way he escaped it was since he obeyed the offer the lion king gave to him, everyone was scared about what would happen next if they kept fighting like that so man people lef the town or place because of it. If i were in the monkeys position, I would never have thought that I would ave been able to escape a sentence so I would definitely feel grateful, confused, relived and definitely also feel a little scared if the animal would come back and wanted to go to court again.

Monkey was able to escape from his unlawful sentence by using his fiddle to play a song.
***Edited for accuracy and fluency.

He also scared the animals which caused them to go to new places.
***Edited for fluency and clarity.

Lion told Monkey that he would give Monkey his whole kingdom and whatever he wanted if he stopped playing; however, Monkey refused, causing the bystanders to feel surprised and flee out of fear.
***Edited for fluency and clarity.

To begin, Monkey was charged with a sentence.
***Edited for fluency.

He was still allowed to have his bow and arrow and play his fiddle.
***Edited for fluency.

When he started playing he made everyone dance with the hum of the fiddle.
***Edited for punctuation and spelling.

The text states, “He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.”
***Edited for punctuation.

This shows that he was able to make everyone dance and put them in a good mood, but Monkey didn’t even notice because he was too focused on playing strongly.
***Edited for fluency, punctuation and clarity.

To add on, when Lion and Wolf asked him to stop playing he didn’t really hear them, so he ignored them unintentionally.
***Edited for punctuation and accuracy.

The second time, the lion was desperate at to the monkey he would give the monkey his kingdom and everything but he refused and didn’t want the request. According to the text it says “... Wolf was the first to cry out in pleading tones breathlessly, "Please stop, Cousin Monkey! For love's sake, please stop!"But Monkey did not even hear him. Over and over sounded the resistless waltz of "Cockcrow.” After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing.""I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me... The court and other animals were so afraid that he might begin again that they hastily disbanded to new parts of the world.” To clarify, because the monkey didn’t want the trade/request, all the court people moved to different places because they were afraid about what would happen net so they all left immediately.

In final analysis, the monkey was able to escape from his unlawful sentence. One way was he used his fiddle to play a song and for some reason his fiddle playing pleased the court people and they started to dance until their feet hurt. Another way he escaped it was since he obeyed the offer the lion king gave to him, everyone was scared about what would happen next if they kept fighting like that so man people lef the town or place because of it. If i were in the monkeys position, I would never have thought that I would ave been able to escape a sentence so I would definitely feel grateful, confused, relived and definitely also feel a little scared if the animal would come back and wanted to go to court again.

  Monkey was able to escape from his unlawful sentence by using his fiddle to play a song. He also scared the animals which caused them to go to new places. Lion told Monkey that he would give Monkey his whole kingdom and whatever he wanted if he stopped playing; however, Monkey refused, causing the bystanders to feel surprised and flee out of fear. 
   To begin, Monkey was charged with a sentence. He was still allowed to have his bow and arrow and play his fiddle. When he started playing he made everyone dance with the hum of the fiddle. The text states, “He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.” This shows that he was able to make everyone dance and put them in a good mood, but Monkey didn’t even notice because he was too focused on playing strongly. To add on, when Lion and Wolf asked him to stop playing he didn’t really hear them, so he ignored them unintentionally. 

***Will come back and edit when essay is own work and not copied.







The Atagâ′hĭ lake is enchanted. When animals are wounded or hurt, they go into the lake and when they come out, they aren't hurt or wounded at all. Also, when people come to see the enchanted lake, they cannot see it but when it is dawn/daybreak you can see it. This happens because, the animal are the ones who can see the lake because they hide it from the hunters but anyone can see it if they come at daybreak.

When the bear got wounded, he went into the lake and stayed inside of it. But when it came out of the water, the wound was gone. According to the text, "... It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed." So, when animals need to be healed, they just go in the lake and they will magically have no more wounds or injuries. To add on, People can only see the lake in daybreak if they really concentrate. The text says, "... o one who had kept watch and fast through the night it would appear at daybreak as a wide-extending but a shallow sheet of purple water, fed by springs spouting from the high cliffs around. In the water are all kinds of fish and reptiles, and swimming upon the surface or flying overhead are great flocks of ducks and pigeons, while all about the shores are bear tracks crossing in every direction." This shows, if people really concentrate on the lake and everything about it, they will be able to see the lake and the beautiful enchanted purple color.

In conclusion, the bear was able to be healed by the magically water of the enchanted lake and, humans are also able to see it if they concentrate on the lake and they do this until daybreak.

According to the story, the Atagâ′hĭ lake is enchanted.
***Edited to reference the question.

When animals are wounded or hurt they go into the lake, and when they come out they aren't hurt or wounded at all.
***Edited for punctuation.

Also, when people come to visit the enchanted lake they cannot see it unless it is dawn or daybreak.
***Edited for clarity.

This is because the animals hide the lake from the hunters during all other times.
***Edited for clarity.

When the bear was wounded he went into the lake to rest.
***Edited for punctuation and clarity.

Upon exiting the water the wound was gone.
***Edited for fluency.

According to the text, "It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed."
***Edited for punctuation.

So, when animals need to be healed they just go in the lake and magically have no more wounds or injuries.
***Edited for fluency.

To add on, people can only see the lake in daybreak if they really concentrate.
***Edited for punctuation.

The text states, "one who had kept watch and fast through the night it would appear at daybreak as a wide-extending but a shallow sheet of purple water, fed by springs spouting from the high cliffs around. In the water are all kinds of fish and reptiles, and swimming upon the surface or flying overhead are great flocks of ducks and pigeons, while all about the shores are bear tracks crossing in every direction."
***Edited for word choice and spelling.

This demonstrates that if people really concentrate on the lake they will be able to see it's beautiful enchanted purple color.
***Edited for clarity, punctuation and spelling.

In conclusion, animals are healed by the magic water of the enchanted lake and humans can see it if they really concentrate.
***Edited for clarity.


  According to the story, the Atagâ′hĭ lake is enchanted. When animals are wounded or hurt they go into the lake, and when they come out they aren't hurt or wounded at all. Also, when people come to visit the enchanted lake they cannot see it unless it is dawn or daybreak. This is because the animals hide the lake from the hunters during all other times. 
  When the bear was wounded he went into the lake to rest. Upon exiting the water the wound was gone. According to the text, "It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed." So, when animals need to be healed they just go in the lake and magically have no more wounds or injuries. To add on, people can only see the lake in daybreak if they really concentrate. The text states, "one who had kept watch and fast through the night it would appear at daybreak as a wide-extending but a shallow sheet of purple water, fed by springs spouting from the high cliffs around. In the water are all kinds of fish and reptiles, and swimming upon the surface or flying overhead are great flocks of ducks and pigeons, while all about the shores are bear tracks crossing in every direction." This demonstrates that if people really concentrate on the lake they will be able to see it's beautiful enchanted purple color. 
  In conclusion, animals are healed by the magic water of the enchanted lake and humans can see it if they really concentrate. 

***Focus on condensing you sentences into more simple language that will make your ideas more clear to readers.

Edited by Nicole Glidden





The boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by getting hungry. Because the boy got hungry, he cut off a piece of the fishes liver. So, the fish vomited the boy out and he was free.

The boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by cutting off a piece of its liver, therefore, the fish vomited up the boy. According to the text, "... he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy." So, the boy got hungry cut a piece of the fishes liver and the fish vomited him out.

In conclusion, the boys hunger made him cut off a piece of the fishes liver, this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy.

According to the story, the boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by getting hungry.
***Edited to reference the question.

Due to the boy's hunger, he cut off a piece of the fish's liver.
***Edited for word choice and spelling.

So, the fish vomited the boy out and he was free.
***Good!

The boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by cutting off a piece of its liver; therefore, the fish vomited up the boy.
***Edited for punctuation.

According to the text, "he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy."
***Edited for punctuation.

So, the boy got hungry cut a piece of the fish's liver and the fish vomited him out.
***Edited for spelling/punctuation.

In conclusion, the boy's hunger made him cut off a piece of the fish's liver, and this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy.
***Edited for spelling and fluency.

  According to the story, the boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by getting hungry. Due to the boy's hunger, he cut off a piece of the fish's liver. So, the fish vomited the boy out and he was free. 
  The boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish by cutting off a piece of its liver; therefore, the fish vomited up the boy. According to the text, "he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy." So, the boy got hungry cut a piece of the fish's liver and the fish vomited him out. 
  In conclusion, the boy's hunger made him cut off a piece of the fish's liver, and this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy. 

***When something is possessive (meaning that it belongs to someone or something), use an apostrophe.

Edited by Nicole Glidden




Based on our knowledge about American traditions, the Iroquois thanksgivings were very different from our thanksgivings. For instance, the Iroquois had several thanksgivings when we had only one. Another way is, they would thank the spirits for everything the spirits had given them.

       To begin with, The Iroquois had seven different thanksgivings. One reason is, they would celebrate seven thanksgivings every season. According to the story it says "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts. The first is early in the spring, at maple-sugar time. As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called." This shows, the Iroquois thanksgiving is very different from ours. In conclusion, The Iroquois thanksgiving is different from ours because they have several different thanksgivings when we have one. To add on, The Iroquois would thank the spirits for what they had given them. Another reason is, for the last thanksgiving ceremony which lasted for 4 days, they would thank the spirits and nature for all the beautiful things they got. The story states " This thanksgiving feast lasts four days. The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than the others, since it takes some time to name all the good gifts of the Great Spirit to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all." To clarify, The Iroquois were very nice to the spirits and cared for them and were grateful that they were able to have all of this. In conclusion, the Iroquois thanksgiving was very different from American thanksgiving.
         In final analysis, how the Iroquois celebrated thanksgiving is very different from how American citizens celebrate thanksgiving. If I were born back then and I was a Iroquois, I would be very grateful for what I had and would thank the spirits for there help. Its sad to think that now, people don't even think about what there personality would show other people that are going to live in earth in the future. I really hope that one day we will be able to convince people to think about there actions and think about how greedy we all were. 


Based on knowledge concerning American traditions, Iroquois Thanksgivings were very different from the modern version of Thanksgiving in the United States.
***Edited for tone, word choice, and clarity. Avoid using we, I, you, or us in anything besides a personal essay, or question that asks for your personal opinion.

For instance, the Iroquois celebrated several Thanksgivings in a year while the U.S. only celebrates Thanksgiving once.
***Good use of a transitional phrase and solid evidence. Edited for word choice and fluency.

Another way Iriquois Thanksgivings differ is that the participants would thank the spirits for everything they had given them.
***Edited for clarity and fluency.

To begin with, the Iroquois had seven different Thanksgivings.
***Edited for punctuation.

They would celebrate multiple times throughout the season.
***Edited for repetition.

According to the story, "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts."
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

The first celebration was early in the spring at maple-sugar time.
***Edited for punctuation. Commas should indicate a natural pause in the flow of thoughts.

The text also states, "As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called."
***Edited to include a lead-in that sets up the quote and for punctuation to add quotation marks.

This demonstrates that the Iroquois Thanksgiving was very different from the American holiday.
***Edited for punctuation and word choice.

The Iroquois Thanksgiving was different from the American holiday because they dedicated more time to it.
***Edited to avoid repetition and remove "in conclusion" as it comes in the middle of the paragraph and confuses readers.

Additionally, the Iroquois would thank the spirits for what they had given them.
***Edited for word choice and punctuation.

During the last Thanksgiving ceremony, which lasted for four days, the Iroquois would thank the spirits and nature for all the beautiful things they received.
***Edited for word choice and punctuation.

The story states, "This thanksgiving feast lasts four days. The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than the others, since it takes some time to name all the good gifts of the Great Spirit to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all."
***Edited for punctuation and to remove the space between the quotation mark and the first word of the quote.

To clarify, the Iroquois were very nice to the spirits, cared for them and were grateful.
***Edited for fluency to avoid run-on sentence.

The Iroquois celebration of Thanksgiving was very different from American Thanksgiving.
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

In conclusion, the manner in which the Iroquois celebrated Thanksgiving is very different from how American citizens celebrate Thanksgiving.
***Edited for word choice and punctuation.

If I were born back then and was a member of the Iroquois tribe I would be very grateful for what I had, and would thank the spirits for their help.
***Edited for punctuation, spelling and fluency.

It's upsetting that people today don't consider how their actions will impact the Earth for future generations.
***Edited for clarity.

I really hope that one day we will be able to convince people to consider their actions and greediness.
***Edited for spelling and fluency.


  Based on knowledge concerning American traditions, Iroquois Thanksgivings were very different from the modern version of Thanksgiving in the United States. For instance, the Iroquois celebrated several Thanksgivings in a year while the U.S. only celebrates Thanksgiving once. Another way Iriquois Thanksgivings differ is that the participants would thank the spirits for everything they had given them.
  To begin with, the Iroquois had seven different Thanksgivings. They would celebrate multiple times throughout the season. According to the story, "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts." The first celebration was early in the spring at maple-sugar time. The text also states, "As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called." This demonstrates that the Iroquois Thanksgiving was very different from the American holiday. The Iroquois Thanksgiving was different from the American holiday because they dedicated more time to it. Additionally, the Iroquois would thank the spirits for what they had given them. During the last Thanksgiving ceremony, which lasted for four days, the Iroquois would thank the spirits and nature for all the beautiful things they received. The story states, "This thanksgiving feast lasts four days. The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than the others, since it takes some time to name all the good gifts of the Great Spirit to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all." To clarify, the Iroquois were very nice to the spirits, cared for them and were grateful. The Iroquois celebration of Thanksgiving was very different from American Thanksgiving.
  In conclusion, the manner in which the Iroquois celebrated Thanksgiving is very different from how American citizens celebrate Thanksgiving. If I were born back then and was a member of the Iroquois tribe I would be very grateful for what I had, and would thank the spirits for their help. It's upsetting that people today don't consider how their actions will impact the Earth for future generations. I really hope that one day we will be able to convince people to consider their actions and greediness. 

***Make sure to spell check and use the same tense throughout your essay.

      • Edited by Nicole Glidden








In the story The Tale Of Ivan, Ivan has a master at his job and his master gives him advice and he never disobeyed the master, which led to being wealthy and lucky. To begin with, when he was going home to see his wife after many years of working, some men told him to come with them onto a new road which the master told him not to go on so, he listened to the master and went the other way. Not long later those men got robbed on the road. The story states "Oh, come with us! you'll be right welcome." But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, "Thieves!" This shows, he was very lucky because if he didn't listen to his master and disobeyed him, he would have been robbed to! To add on, When Ivan and his wife stole something that wasn't theirs, they told the truth and then, the lord was very happy that he told the truth so he made him a servant instead of punishing him. That ids when Ivan was so happy he remembered what his old master had said. According to the story it says "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. "Honesty's the best policy!" said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. "How joyful I am!" To clarify, because he listened to his master, he didn't get punished and instead got a very nice job! In final analysis, since Ivan listened to his master and didn't do the things he said not to do, he was rewarded with wealthiness and luckiness.





Original Draft In the story A Little Princess, Sara likes big "grown up" books. To begin with, her dad said she would always "gobble" up big, fat grown up books. The story states "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones" This means, she likes to read those types of books. To add on, she also likes books about poetry and languages. According to the story it states "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." To clarify, she also likes those kinds of books. In final analysis, Sara likes many types of books that not most kids at her age would read.

Corrections In the story A Little Princess, Sara likes big "grown up" books.
****"'I kept this mostly the same, but I added quotation marks around the title (although you would usually underline or bold a title of a book, but I don't know if you can do that on your computer) and I added 'the main character,' before 'Sara' just to clarify to the reader who Sara even is."'
In the story "A Little Princess", the main character, Sara, likes to read big "grown-up" books.

To begin with, her dad said she would always "gobble" up big, fat grown up books.
****"'I kept this the same."'

The story states "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones"
****"'Here, I put a comma after 'story states' and I added single quotation marks (' ') inside of the double quotation marks (" ") since someone is speaking in this quote."'
The story states, "'She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—'"

This means, she likes to read those types of books.
****"'For this part, I took the comma after 'means' out because you wouldn't pause there when saying this sentence out loud. I also changed 'she likes to read those types of books' to 'Sara was always wanting new books like these to read' because in the quote, her dad was talking about how she was "starving for new books to gobble"."'
This means that Sara was always wanting new books like these to read.

To add on, she also likes books about poetry and languages.
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

According to the story it states "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things."
****"'I've told you a few times now not to say 'According to the story, it states' or 'According to the story, it says'. Please stop using this. You can use 'According to the story,' or 'The story says,' or 'The story states,'. Instead, I said 'The story continues and says,' since this quote is part of the same quote from before. I also added single quotation marks in the quote again since this is the continuation of the previous quote where Sara's dad is speaking."'
The story continues and says, "'French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.'"

To clarify, she also likes those kinds of books.
****"'We don't need to say 'To clarify' because we already know from what you said before this quote that she likes these kinds of books. I changed this to skip the 'To clarify' and just say that she likes all kinds of different books."'
Sara likes all kinds of different books.

In final analysis, Sara likes many types of books that not most kids at her age would read.
****"'Saying 'that not most kids' sounds awkward and choppy. Instead, I moved the 'not' after 'that most kids at her age would'. This way it isn't choppy and is easier to read. I also added 'to read' after 'Sara likes',"'
In final analysis, Sara likes to read many types of books that most kids at her age would not read.


Final Draft In the story "A Little Princess", the main character, Sara, likes to read big "grown-up" books. To begin with, her dad said she would always "gobble" up big, fat grown up books. The story states, "'She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—'" This means that Sara was always wanting new books like these to read. To add on, she also likes books about poetry and languages. The story continues and says, "'French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.'" Sara likes all kinds of different books. In final analysis, Sara likes to read many types of books that most kids at her age would not read.

I really need you to stop using 'According to the story it states' and 'According to the story it says'. I have told you this a few times now and I have explained why you shouldn't say that. I have also given you alternatives. Please stop using this before quotes. I also need you to start working on your quotes that have characters speaking in them, which I have also told you about many times now and given you examples and shown you how to correctly do it. Please start writing your quotes with characters speaking correctly. Other than that, I was able to leave a few things in this paragraph the same, which is great! But I really need you to work on your quotes and what you say before the quotes. You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft In part 6 of Little Women, the sisters go to the poor woman’s house and help her with her and her children’s troubles. To begin with, when Mrs.March and her daughters are there in the home, the atmosphere is happy. According to the story it states “ Ach, mein Gott! It is good angels come to us!" said the poor woman, crying for joy.” This shows, the woman and her children were very happy that Mrs.March and her daughters were here because, she was calling them angels. Another word to describe the atmosphere is caring. The story “Little Women” says “ In a few minutes, it really did seem as if kind spirits had been at work there. Hannah, who had carried wood, made a fire and stopped up the broken panes with old hats and her own cloak. Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own. The girls meantime spread the table, set the children round the fire, and fed them like so many hungry birds, laughing, talking, and trying to understand the funny broken English.” To clarify, the atmosphere is also caring because Mrs.March and her daughters were working very hard to help the woman and her children stay warm and feel good. In final analysis, the atmosphere feels happy and caring when Mrs.March and her daughters are in the home helping the woman and her children.

Corrections In part 6 of Little Women, the sisters go to the poor woman’s house and help her with her and her children’s troubles.
****"'The number six is less than 10, so we write the word out instead of putting the digit there (6 is the digit, six is the word). Numbers one through nine are written out as words, and numbers 10 or greater are written as digits. I also changed 'and help her with her and her children’s troubles' to 'to help her and her children'. It's shorter and to the point so it doesn't sound awkward."'
In part six of "Little Women", the sisters go to the poor woman's house to help her and her children.

To begin with, when Mrs.March and her daughters are there in the home, the atmosphere is happy.
****"'All I did here was remove 'in the home' because we already know they're in their home, so we don't need to say it again."'
To begin with, when Mrs. March and her daughters are there, the atmosphere is happy.

According to the story it states “ Ach, mein Gott! It is good angels come to us!" said the poor woman, crying for joy.”
****"'I changed 'According to the story it states' to 'The text states,' because saying 'According to the story it states' is repetitive. It would be like saying "unexpected surprise". When someone throws their friend a surprise party, the whole point is that their friend doesn't expect it. Surprises are supposed to be unexpected, so it isn't necessary to say "unexpected surprise". That same thing goes for 'According to the story it states'. You can say 'According to the story,' and then the quote or you can say 'The story says,' and then the quote, but you shouldn't say 'According to the story it states'. I also changed the quotes for you, which I have explained before. When a character is speaking inside of a quote, they get single quotation marks (' ') around what they say inside of the quote. Please start correcting this."'
The text states, "'Ach, mein Gott! It is good angels come to us!' said the poor woman, crying for joy.”

This shows, the woman and her children were very happy that Mrs.March and her daughters were here because, she was calling them angels.
****"'I shortened this sentence to make it less awkward and a bit smoother to read."'
The woman and her children were so happy that Mrs. March and her daughters were there that she called them angels

Another word to describe the atmosphere is caring.
****"'Instead of saying 'another word to describe the atmosphere' I said 'The atmosphere was also very caring'. This is also shorter and more fluid."'
The atmosphere was also very caring.

The story “Little Women” says “ In a few minutes, it really did seem as if kind spirits had been at work there. Hannah, who had carried wood, made a fire and stopped up the broken panes with old hats and her own cloak. Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own. The girls meantime spread the table, set the children round the fire, and fed them like so many hungry birds, laughing, talking, and trying to understand the funny broken English.”
****"'We know this is from "Little Women", so we don't need to say it again. I changed this to 'The story says,' instead."'
The story says, "In a few minutes, it really did seem as if kind spirits had been at work there. Hannah, who had carried wood, made a fire and stopped up the broken panes with old hats and her own cloak. Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own. The girls meantime spread the table, set the children round the fire, and fed them like so many hungry birds, laughing, talking, and trying to understand the funny broken English.”

To clarify, the atmosphere is also caring because Mrs.March and her daughters were working very hard to help the woman and her children stay warm and feel good.
****"'Instead of 'To clarify' I added 'Here'. We've already said that the atmosphere was caring, so we don't need to say it again."'
Here, Mrs. March and her daughters were working very hard to help the woman and her children stay warm and feel good.

In final analysis, the atmosphere feels happy and caring when Mrs.March and her daughters are in the home helping the woman and her children.
****"'I shortened this sentence as well and removed 'In final analysis'. I swapped the order of the sentence, meaning I talked about Mrs. March and her daughters first and then said that the atmosphere was happy and caring."'
When Mrs. March and her daughters are helping the woman and her children, the atmosphere is happy and caring.


Final Draft In part six of "Little Women", the sisters go to the poor woman's house to help her and her children. To begin with, when Mrs. March and her daughters are there, the atmosphere is happy. The text states, "'Ach, mein Gott! It is good angels come to us!' said the poor woman, crying for joy.” The woman and her children were so happy that Mrs. March and her daughters were there that she called them angels. The atmosphere was also very caring. The story says, "In a few minutes, it really did seem as if kind spirits had been at work there. Hannah, who had carried wood, made a fire and stopped up the broken panes with old hats and her own cloak. Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own. The girls meantime spread the table, set the children round the fire, and fed them like so many hungry birds, laughing, talking, and trying to understand the funny broken English.” Here, Mrs. March and her daughters were working very hard to help the woman and her children stay warm and feel good. When Mrs. March and her daughters are helping the woman and her children, the atmosphere is happy and caring.

Please start working on your quotes and try to stop using 'According to the text/story it says/states'. Those are really the biggest things to work on here. You've got this! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft In the story, the sisters here banging from the door but they don't what it is from. To begin with, when they are waiting to eat breakfast, they hear a bang on the door and they are startled by it. The text states "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast." To clarify, they are anxious about the door banging and don't know who it is. To add on, a little bit later, they find their mom with a few other guest asking them to help the poor woman and her babies. The story states "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?" This means, their mom was the one banging on the door. In conclusion, In the story, the bangs were from the mom because she wanted her daughters to help the woman and her children from starving and feeling cold.

Corrections In the story, the sisters here banging from the door but they don't what it is from.
****"'I changed 'the story' to 'part 5 of "Little Women"' and 'here' to 'hear'. 'Here' is noun (a place), 'hear' is a verb (to listen to something). Also, they do know that it's their mother."'
In part five of "Little Women", the sisters hear their mother banging on the door.

To begin with, when they are waiting to eat breakfast, they hear a bang on the door and they are startled by it.
****"'They aren't waiting for breakfast yet, they only rush to the table for breakfast after they hear the bang on the door. They're actually talking about their Christmas gifts."'
The girls are talking about their Christmas gifts when they hear a bang on the door and are startled by it.

The text states "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast."
****"'All I did here was put a comma after 'states' since it's followed by a quote."'
The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast."

To clarify, they are anxious about the door banging and don't know who it is.
****"'Like I said, they know it's their mother (they even say it in the story), so I changed this sentence to fit with that."'
The girls heard their mother at the door and hid her basket of presents underneath the sofa.

To add on, a little bit later, they find their mom with a few other guest asking them to help the poor woman and her babies.
****"'I shortened this sentence to make it sound less confusing."'
To add on, a bit later, their mom tells them about a poor woman and her children.

The story states "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?"
****"'Here, I added a comma after 'states' (because, again, it's followed by a quote) and since in the quote a character is speaking, I put single quotes (' ') inside of the double quotes (" ")."'
The story states, "'Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?'"

This means, their mom was the one banging on the door.
****"'I deleted this sentence since it doesn't really connect to the quote you used."'

In conclusion, In the story, the bangs were from the mom because she wanted her daughters to help the woman and her children from starving and feeling cold.
****"'I changed this sentence a bit to make it shorter and make it sound a bit smoother."'
Since the poor mother and her children had no food, the girls' mother asked if they would give them their breakfast for Christmas.


Final Draft In part five of "Little Women", the sisters hear their mother banging on the door. The girls are talking about their Christmas gifts when they hear a bang on the door and are startled by it. The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast." The girls heard their mother at the door and hid her basket of presents underneath the sofa. To add on, a bit later, their mom tells them about a poor woman and her children. The story states, "'Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?'" Since the poor mother and her children had no food, the girls' mother asked if they would give them their breakfast for Christmas.

Just like last time, please work on really reading the stories, and also correct your quotes so that if a character is speaking, you give them single quotes (' ') inside of the double quotes (" "). You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Text Little Women is a nice book. The characters do something during the evening and night. To begin with, they finished work. The story states "At nine they stopped work, and sang," This shows, they finished work at 9:00 and started singing. To add on, they all started to play their instruments while Meg sang. According to the story it says, "No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune." To clarify, at night, they all started singing and playing songs. In conclusion, the characters do lots of cool things during the evening and night.

Corrections Little Women is a nice book.
****"'Just like last time, this sentence doesn't do anything for your paragraph. "Little Women" might be a nice book, but since the prompt for this paragraph wasn't 'what do you think of the story?' it doesn't need to be here. I took this sentence out."'

The characters do something during the evening and night.
****"'Here I clarified that the characters were from "Little Women" and I also mentioned that this is about part four."'
In part four of "Little Women", the characters do something during the evening and night.

To begin with, they finished work.
****"'I kept this sentence the same."'

The story states "At nine they stopped work, and sang,"
****"'All I did here was add a comma after 'states' since it was followed by a quote."'
The story states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang,"

This shows, they finished work at 9:00 and started singing.
****"'For this part I took out 'This shows,' and I rearranged the sentence a bit. I also changed '9:00' to 'nine o'clock' and added that 'they' are the sisters."'
Once it was nine o'clock, the sisters finished their work and started singing together.

To add on, they all started to play their instruments while Meg sang.
****"'In the story, only one sister can play an instrument, which is Beth. So I changed the sentence to fit that."'
To add on, one sister named Beth played the piano while the other sisters sang.

According to the story it says, "No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune."
****"'I told you last time not to say 'According to the story it says,'. Please listen to me when I give you corrections, otherwise I can't help you. I changed it to 'The story says,'."'
The story says, "No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune."

To clarify, at night, they all started singing and playing songs. In conclusion, the characters do lots of cool things during the evening and night.
****"'Here, I sort of combined these two sentences to make one short conclusion sentence."'
At night, the family began singing and playing songs together.


Final Draft In part four of "Little Women", the characters do something during the evening and night. To begin with, they finished their work. The story states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang," Once it was nine o'clock, the sisters finished their work and started singing together. To add on, one sister named Beth played the piano while the other sisters sang. The story says, "No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune." At night, the family began singing and playing songs together.

I would like you to work on not saying 'According to the story it says' before quotes and '"Little Women" is a nice book' at the beginning of your paragraph (unless the prompt wants your opinion). Also make sure you're reading closely so that you really understand what you're reading. I could tell you were a bit confused when you got to the part about the sisters singing, so make sure you're really reading. You got this! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft Little Women is a very nice book. In the story, Beth was scared of their birthday tradition. To start with she was scared of her sisters coming in and giving her presents and kisses. The story states "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss." This means, she was scared about this. To add on, the only reason why she was scared was because, her sisters had to watch her open the gift. According to the story "Little Women" It says " I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," said Beth," To clarify, Beth was only scared of her sisters watching her open the gifts. In conclusion, Beth was very scared about her birthdays and how her sisters would watch her.

Corrections Little Women is a very nice book.
****"'This sentence doesn't really do anything for your paragraph because it doesn't have anything to do with the prompt. I took this sentence out."'

In the story, Beth was scared of their birthday tradition.
****"'Here, I added "Little Women" after 'In the story'. I also said 'one of the sisters named Beth' instead of just 'Beth' so that it would add a little bit more context. I also changed 'their birthday tradition' to 'the family birthday tradition' because the reader might not know who you're talking about when you say 'their'."'
In the story "Little Women", one of the sisters named Beth was scared of the family birthday tradition.

To start with she was scared of her sisters coming in and giving her presents and kisses.
****"'For this part, I took out 'To start with' and I changed 'coming in and giving her presents and kisses' to 'marching around her to give her presents and kisses' because it mentions that they march around her. Beth also mentions that when they march, it frightens her, so it's important that we say that they're marching."'
She was scared of her sisters marching around her to give her presents and kisses.

The story states "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss."
****"'All I changed here was I put a comma after 'The story states' and I corrected the quotes to have single quotes (' ') inside the double quotes (" ") since a character is speaking. Please start correcting your quotes and scroll back down if you need to see where I explained it again."'
The story states, "'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'"

This means, she was scared about this.
****"'I changed this sentence completely to summarize the quote."'
Beth was scared when her sisters marched around her birthday.

To add on, the only reason why she was scared was because, her sisters had to watch her open the gift.
****"'Her sisters watching her wasn't the only reason why Beth was scared - she mentioned in the last quote how it frightened her when they marched around her. Because of this, I changed 'the only reason why' to 'she was also' because she was also scared when her sisters watched her open the presents."'
To add on, she was also scared because her sisters had to watch her open her gifts.

According to the story "Little Women" It says " I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," said Beth,"
****"'When you mention the title of the story, it should be at the beginning so that the reader immediately knows what story or article you're talking about. If you add it randomly in the middle, it might confuse the reader. I changed this to 'The text states,'. You also shouldn't say 'According to the story it says' or anything like that because it is repetitive. You could say 'According to the story' and then the quote or 'The story says,' and then the quote, but you shouldn't say them together. It would be like saying '5 A.M. in the morning'. If a time has 'A.M.' after it, we know that it's in the morning already, so we don't have to add 'in the morning' after it. Does that make sense?"'
The text states, "'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth,"

To clarify, Beth was only scared of her sisters watching her open the gifts.
****"'It's clear from the text that Beth is scared of her sisters watching her open gifts, so we don't need to say 'To clarify'. Instead, I said how Beth got stressed out."'
Beth got stressed out when her sisters watched her open her gifts.

In conclusion, Beth was very scared about her birthdays and how her sisters would watch her.
***"'Instead of saying that Beth was scared of her birthdays, I said that she was scared of the birthday tradition and how her sisters would watch her open presents."'
In conclusion, Beth was scared about her family's birthday tradition and how her sisters watched her when she opened her presents.


Final Draft In the story "Little Women", one of the sisters named Beth was scared of the family birthday tradition. She was scared of her sisters marching around her to give her presents and kisses. The story states, "'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'" Beth was scared when her sisters marched around her birthday. To add on, she was also scared because her sisters had to watch her open her gifts. The text states, "'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth," Beth got stressed out when her sisters watched her open her gifts. In conclusion, Beth was scared about her family's birthday tradition and how her sisters watched her when she opened her presents.

Please start working on correcting your quotes and getting rid of 'according to the text it states'. I explained a little ways down both of those concepts, please scroll down to read them if you're still confused. Please also start adding context. Make sure you're really understanding what you're reading so you can write the best paragraph you can too. You got this! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft I would describe Demi as a caring man that always saw the bright and beautiful side of people. To start with, he was a very kind man and he had manners and respect towards everyone and always had a kind heart. The story states "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners: his mother had cherished an innocent and loving heart in him; To clarify, he is a caring man because he respects people and has a good heart. To add on, he would always see the beauty and cleverness in people. According to the story "Little Men" it says "that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children. This shows, Demi always looks on the bright side of people especially children. In final analysis, Demi is a very caring man that always sees the bright and beautiful side of people.

Corrections I would describe Demi as a caring man that always saw the bright and beautiful side of people.
****"'Here, I inserted that Demi is from "Little Men" just to keep context. The story also describes Demi himself as "unusually bright and beautiful", so he doesn't see the bright and beautiful side of people (he does see the bright side though), so I took the 'bright and' part out. Also, Demi isn't a man, he's another boy who lives at Plumfield, so I changed 'man' to 'young boy'."'
I would describe Demi from "Little Men" as a caring young boy that always saw the beautiful side of people.

To start with, he was a very kind man and he had manners and respect towards everyone and always had a kind heart.
****"'Again, I changed 'man' to boy'. I also took out a bunch of the and's and put commas between the descriptors instead. I also changed 'towards' to 'toward'."'
To start with, he was a very kind boy, he had good manners, respect toward everyone, and always had a kind heart.

The story states "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners: his mother had cherished an innocent and loving heart in him;
****"'All I did was put a comma after 'states' before the quote."'
The story states, "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners: his mother had cherished an innocent and loving heart in him;

To clarify, he is a caring man because he respects people and has a good heart.
****"'Since the quote we used mentions that his mother raised him to be this way, I mentioned that part instead."'
Demi's mother raised him to be a very caring and respectful man with a good heart.

To add on, he would always see the beauty and cleverness in people.
****"'Since we said 'to add on', I changed 'always' to 'also'. I also changed 'people' to 'others' and 'would' to 'could'."'
To add on, he could also see the beauty and cleverness in others.

According to the story "Little Men" it says "that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children.
****"'Since you didn't mention the title of the story before, randomly inserting it here might confuse the reader and make them think that you're quoting a different story, so I took the title out and just left 'the story'. I also added 'Demi' before the quote instead of 'it says'."'
According to the story, Demi "was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children.

This shows, Demi always looks on the bright side of people especially children.
****"'I reworded this sentence to give it a better flow. Also, since Demi himself is a child, we don't need to say 'especially children'. Instead, I said 'people his age'."'
This shows how Demi was always able to see the good in people his age.

In final analysis, Demi is a very caring man that always sees the bright and beautiful side of people.
****"'I also reworded this sentence so that it wouldn't be so similar to the introduction sentence."'
Demi is a very kindhearted young boy who can always see the goodness in others.


Final Draft I would describe Demi from "Little Men" as a caring boy that always saw the beautiful side of people. To start with, he was a very kind boy, he had good manners, respect toward everyone, and always had a kind heart. The story states, "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners: his mother had cherished an innocent and loving heart in him; Demi's mother raised him to be a very caring and respectful boy with a good heart. To add on, he could also see the beauty and cleverness in others. According to the story, Demi "was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children. This shows how Demi was always able to see the good in people his age. Demi is a very kindhearted young boy who can always see the goodness in others.

The biggest thing for this paragraph was really just reading the story closely and understanding what it was saying. So really just make sure you understand what the story is saying so that you can write the best you can. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

Little Men is a very nice and heartwarming book that everyone should read! Nat might of thought that the school he was in was a very nice school for many reasons. To start with, when he was bathing, he saw many bath supplies and things that were expensive. The story states There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; To clarify, he thought his school was nice because it had a lot of expensive things. To add on, they treated him very well and they don't like to give too much to the students. According to the story it says " laughed Mrs. Bhaer, “but you see we don't believe in making children miserable by too many rules, and too much study. This shows, he thinks the school is nice because the teachers don't want you to get stressed about all the homework and everything. In conclusion, the book Little Men is a nice and heartwarming book and, Nat thought the school was nice.


Corrections Little Men is a very nice and heartwarming book that everyone should read!
****"'Teno, you've used a very similar introduction sentence every time for this story series. Since the
In the story, "Little Men", the new boy at Plumfield named Nat really likes his new school. Nat might have thought that the school he was in was very nice for many reasons.

Nat might of thought that the school he was in was a very nice school for many reasons.
****"'The only thing I changed here was 'might of' to 'might have'. The was we talk may sound like we're saying 'might of' or 'should of', but it's actually 'might have'/'should have'."'
Nat might have thought that the school he was in was very nice for many reasons.

To start with, when he was bathing, he saw many bath supplies and things that were expensive.
****"'Here, I took out 'and things' because it doesn't really give the reader any extra information."'
To start with, when he was bathing, he saw many bathroom supplies that were expensive.

The story states There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath;
****"'All I did here was add a comma after 'states'."'
The story states, There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath;

To clarify, he thought his school was nice because it had a lot of expensive things.
****"'For this part, I removed 'to clarify' and instead just sort of summarized the quote."'
Since the school had a lot of expensive supplies in the bathroom, he thought that the school was very nice.

To add on, they treated him very well and they don't like to give too much to the students.
****"'Chances are, the reader might not know who 'they' are, so we have to tell them. I put 'the women in charge' in place of 'they'. Also, saying 'they don't like to give too much to the students' doesn't sound very positive, so I changed 'give too much' to 'put too much pressure on the'."'
To add on, the women in charge treated him very well and don't like to put too much pressure on the students.

According to the story it says " laughed Mrs. Bhaer, “but you see we don't believe in making children miserable by too many rules, and too much study.
****"'A couple things here: saying 'according to the story it says' is repetitive, so you should either say 'according to the story' or 'the story says', but not both. I'll explain why at the bottom. I also added a comma after 'says' before the quote. I've explained how to write quotes from the story when a character is speaking before, and I corrected that here, but I'm going to explain that again at the bottom as well."'
The story says, "...laughed Mrs. Bhaer, 'but you see we don't believe in making children miserable by too many rules, and too much study.'"

This shows, he thinks the school is nice because the teachers don't want you to get stressed about all the homework and everything.
****"'I took out 'this shows, he' and just put 'Nat' instead. I also took out 'you' and added 'the boys' and took out 'and everything' and added 'too many rules'."'
Nat thinks that the school is nice because the teachers don't want the boys to get stressed out by too much homework or too many rules.

In conclusion, the book Little Men is a nice and heartwarming book and, Nat thought the school was nice.
****"'Here, I took out 'in conclusion, the book Little Men is a nice and heartwarming book and,' and put 'These are a couple reasons why'. I also added 'very' before nice."'
These are a couple reasons why Nat thought that the school was very nice.


Final Draft In the story, "Little Men", the new boy at Plumfield named Nat really likes his new school. Nat might have thought that the school he was in was very nice for many reasons. To start with, when he was bathing, he saw many bathroom supplies that were expensive. The story states, There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; Since the school had a lot of expensive supplies in the bathroom, he thought that the school was very nice. To add on, the women in charge treated him very well and don't like to put too much pressure on the students. The story says, "...laughed Mrs. Bhaer, 'but you see we don't believe in making children miserable by too many rules, and too much study.'" Nat thinks that the school is nice because the teachers don't want the boys to get stressed out by too much homework or too many rules. These are a couple reasons why Nat thought that the school was very nice.

Mainly I would like you to work on your introduction sentence. Come up with something different that suits the prompt. I also would like for you to work on writing quotes from the story when a character is speaking, which I will explain below. Please read both things and use them in your future writing. Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris

1. quotes - When you quote a passage from a story or article, you put double quotes (" ") around the whole thing like this:

"Lily woke up bright and early to go to the farmer's market."

And if I want to add a part where a character is speaking, I have to put double quotes around the whole thing like normal, but I also have to put single quotes (' ') around where the character is speaking like this:

"Lily walked up to the man selling apples. 'How much for six apples?' she asked."

As you can see, the entire section is quoted from the story, but since a character was also speaking in this part, I had to put single quotes around what she said.

2. 'according to the text it states' - When you say 'according to the text it states', that is sort of repetitive. You wouldn't say 'According to my mom, she said she needed to buy cereal' because simply saying 'according to my mom' lets us know that what you're about to tell us is something that your mom said, so you don't need to say 'she said' after it. It would be like if you said 'unexpected surprise' - the point of surprising someone is that they don't expect it, so saying 'unexpected' before 'surprise' is not necessary. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, you could say 'According to the text, "Lily went to the grocery store to buy apples." and you could also say 'The text states, "Lily went to the grocery store to buy apples." but not 'According to the text, it states, "Lily went to the grocery store to buy apples."

Let me know if any of that is confusing!


"'Original Draft"' "Little Men" is a a very interesting book I think you should read! In the story "Little Men", Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. To start with, she helps them get ready and cleaned up. The story states "My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy," This means, she is thoughtful because she is helping them with what the need. To add on, at the end she makes sure that the two boys sit next to each other because she knows they bond a lot. According to the story ti states "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons." This shows, she was trying to be thoughtful because she knows how they like to talk to each other. In conclusion, in the story :Little Men", Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person.

Corrections "Little Men" is a a very interesting book I think you should read!
****"'This is pretty much the same introduction sentence you have in your last paragraph, but it's still a good sentence, so I kept it. All I changed was I took out the extra 'a' you have in the sentence (which I'm sure was just a typo)."'
"Little Men" is a very interesting book I think you should read!

In the story "Little Men", Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person.
****"'I kept this sentence the same."'

To start with, she helps them get ready and cleaned up.
****"'Since the reader probably hasn't read this story, they don't know who 'they' are, so we have to fill them in. Since she is specifically helping Nat in this part, I changed 'they' to 'the new boy, Nat,' to make it a little less confusing for the reader."'
To start with, she helps the new boy, Nat, get ready and cleaned up after he gets wet.

The story states "My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,"
****"'Since this part is a quote of what Mrs. Bhaer said inside of a quote from the story, we have to put single quotes (' ') around it as well as double quotes (" "). It seems weird, but it's important that the reader can tell the difference between you just quoting the story (example: The text states, "Lily went to the grocery store to buy some apples.") and you quoting someone speaking in the story (example: The text states, "When she got to the grocery store, she couldn't find the apples. 'Where are the apples?' Lily asked a cashier."). I changed the quotation marks to clarify this, and I also added "cried Mrs. Bhaer," to make it clear that the person speaking is Mrs. Bhaer. Also, make sure you're adding a comma after 'The story states'."'
The story states, "'My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer,"

This means, she is thoughtful because she is helping them with what the need.
****"'For this part, I just sort of elaborated on what you said to explain more on how what she did was thoughtful."'
Mrs. Bhaer saw that Nat, who was new, had wet shoes so she helped him get something dry instead, which was very kind and thoughtful of her.

To add on, at the end she makes sure that the two boys sit next to each other because she knows they bond a lot.
****"'Here is another part where the reader probably doesn't know who 'the two boys' are, so I rewrote that to make it clear who they were. I also elaborated on the part where you said 'they bond a lot'."'
To add on, at the end she makes sure that the two new friends, Nat and Tommy, sit next to each other because she knows they will bond a lot and Tommy will help Nat be more social.

According to the story ti states "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons."
****"'If you use 'According to the story' in your paragraph, you don't need to put 'it states' after it. So you would either say something like 'According to the story, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons."' or 'The story states, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons."' Saying 'According to the story, it states,' is repetitive, so we don't need to use both. Since we haven't used 'According to the story,' before, I decided to use that instead of 'The story states'."'
According to the story, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons."

This shows, she was trying to be thoughtful because she knows how they like to talk to each other.
****"'I reworded this part so I wasn't immediately saying 'she was trying to be thoughtful'. Instead, I wrote how Mrs. Bhaer knew they were friends first and then added how she was thoughtful."'
Mrs. Bhaer knew that Nat and Tommy were friends and she was thoughtful enough to have them sit together.

In conclusion, in the story :Little Men", Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person.
****"'I also reworded this part in a way that would give it a better flow so that the reader has an easier time reading it."'
In conclusion, Mrs. Bhaer is a very thoughtful person in the story "Little Men".


Final Draft "Little Men" is a very interesting book I think you should read! In the story "Little Men", Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. To start with, she helps the new boy, Nat, get ready and cleaned up after he gets wet. The story states, "'My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer," Mrs. Bhaer saw that Nat, who was new, had wet shoes so she helped him get something dry instead, which was very kind and thoughtful of her. To add on, at the end she makes sure that the two new friends, Nat and Tommy, sit next to each other because she knows they will bond a lot and Tommy will help Nat be more social. According to the story, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that role-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons." Mrs. Bhaer knew that Nat and Tommy were friends and she was thoughtful enough to have them sit together. In conclusion, Mrs. Bhaer is a very thoughtful person in the story "Little Men".

Over all, this was pretty good! There were only a few things I want you to pay attention to that I mentioned in the corrections (the thing about quotes, adding commas after 'The story states', making sure you're writing in a way that keeps the reader informed on who and what you're talking about, and not saying 'According to the story it states'). I'm trying to write fewer whole sentences for y'all and focus more on just corrections since we're getting close to the end of the school year and I want to see how well you can write on your own. If you have any questions or need help, don't hesitate to ask! Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Little Joe is probably a very interesting book that you should read! I would describe the story Little Men as a very understanding and family friendly book based on what I read from the excerpt. To start with, Many men at all ages are probably staying at Mr.Laurence’s house. The story states “I’m glad; now come Aunt Jo. And Daisy took him by the hand with a pretty pertecting air, which made Nat feel at home at once.” This means, their will probably be a lot of understanding things about friendships. To add on, Nat is going to be part of their family now. According to the story it states “So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you my dear, and hope you’ll be happy here, said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat’s lonley little heart yearn toward her.” To clarify, this can be a very family friendly book or story because there might be some family issues here and there that make them more close to each other and bond more. In conclusion, I would describe the story Litlle Men as a very understanding and family friendly book based on what I read from the excerpt.

Corrections Little Joe is probably a very interesting book that you should read!
****"'This is a good opening sentence! The only thing I changed was the title; the story is "Little Men", so I changed it to be that and I also added quotations around it to make it clear that this is the title of a story."'
"Little Men" is probably a very interesting book that you should read!

I would describe the story Little Men as a very understanding and family friendly book based on what I read from the excerpt.
****"'I reworded this sentence a bit to make it flow a little bit better and keep the reader focused."'
Based on the excerpt I read, I would describe the story as a very understanding and family-friendly book.

To start with, Many men at all ages are probably staying at Mr.Laurence’s house.
****"'A few things here: first, since the word 'many' isn't a proper noun or the first word in the sentence, it doesn't need to be capitalized, so I made it lowercase. Also, in the story, the children are staying at Mr. and Mrs. Bhaers' house, which is also a school; however, Mr. Laurence did send the boys to the house/school, so I can see how that maybe caused some confusion. I reworded this sentence to make it clear that they weren't at Mr. Laurence's house. I also changed "men" to "children" because there were boys and girls there. Lastly, I added that the children were all nice to Nat, this way it supported what you said that about the story being understanding and family-friendly."'
To start with, many children of all ages attend the Bhaers' school, where they are all friendly to Nat, a new boy.

The story states “I’m glad; now come Aunt Jo. And Daisy took him by the hand with a pretty pertecting air, which made Nat feel at home at once.”
****"'Since the quote you used has a quote within it, you have to change the quotes around what the characters are saying to single quotes (' ') and surround the entire thing with double quotes (" "). For example: the story states, "Lily was angry when she said, 'That's not fair!'". I changed the sentence so that it would fit with this. Also, I corrected the spelling of the word 'protecting' from 'pertecting' and added a comma after you said 'The story states'."'
The story states, "'I'm glad; now come to Aunt Jo.' And Daisy took him by the hand with a pretty protecting air, which made Nat feel at home at once.'"

This means, their will probably be a lot of understanding things about friendships.
****"'I reworded this sentence a bit to elaborate more on the quote. I also wanted to point out that here in your sentence, you would say 'there' instead of 'their'. 'Their' is a possessive pronoun, meaning that something belongs to more than one person (example: that is their house) whereas 'there' is an adverb that means 'in, at, or to that place or position' (example: I put the cake over there). 'There' can also be used to call attention to something or someone (example: hello there!)."'
It's clear from Daisy's kindness to Nat that the rest of the children will be kind to him as well, and we can tell that it's a nice environment.

To add on, Nat is going to be part of their family now.
****"'I only slightly reworded this sentence to make it a bit shorter and keep it in the present tense."'
To add on, Nat is now part of their family.

According to the story it states “So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you my dear, and hope you’ll be happy here, said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat’s lonley little heart yearn toward her.”
****"'I did the same thing here with editing the quotes as I did above. I also corrected your spelling of 'lonley' to 'lonely'. Saying 'according to the story it states' doesn't make sense, because it's sort of like saying 'according to the story, the story states', which is kind of repetitive. Instead, I just changed it to 'The story states,'."'
The story states, “'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you my dear, and hope you’ll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat’s lonely little heart yearn toward her."

To clarify, this can be a very family friendly book or story because there might be some family issues here and there that make them more close to each other and bond more.
****"'I took out 'to clarify' here and just jumped into the sentence. I also modified the sentence a little bit to take out the part about 'family issues' since the quote doesn't really point toward anything negative."'
This story is very family-oriented where all of the characters feel loved. We can also see that the family will probably grow close to each other and bond more.

In conclusion, I would describe the story Litlle Men as a very understanding and family friendly book based on what I read from the excerpt.
****"'This sentence is pretty similar to the introduction sentence, so I changed it up a bit so it isn't too similar. Also, I corrected your spelling of 'litlle' to 'little'."'
In conclusion, I would describe the story "Little Men" as a very kind, family-oriented book that will really make you smile!


Final Draft "Little Men" is probably a very interesting book that you should read! Based on the excerpt I read, I would describe the story as a very understanding and family-friendly book. To start with, many children of all ages attend the Bhaers' school, where they are all friendly to Nat, a new boy. The story states, "'I'm glad; now come to Aunt Jo.' And Daisy took him by the hand with a pretty protecting air, which made Nat feel at home at once.'" It's clear from Daisy's kindness to Nat that the rest of the children will be kind to him as well, and we can tell that it's a nice environment. To add on, Nat is now part of their family. The story states, “'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you my dear, and hope you’ll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat’s lonely little heart yearn toward her." This story is very family-oriented where all of the characters feel loved. We can also see that the family will probably grow close to each other and bond more. In conclusion, I would describe the story "Little Men" as a very kind, family-oriented book that will really make you smile!

For this paragraph, I noticed a few spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes (the quotes and the use of there vs their vs they're). So, I want you to read through these comments and note what mistakes you're making so that you can practice with your spelling and remembering the differences between similar sounding words and how to insert quotes within a quote. You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

Always care for everyone around you! The peddler got his revenge on Baron. To begin with, Baron became poor and had to move out of the castle because a very rich person had bought the castle. The story states "Six years had not passed away before the noble baron wandered out of the castle gate a poor man, and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer." This means, the paddler got his revenge by making the Baron lose everything he had ever had. To add on, the person that bought the castle was the man who was made fun of and not treated well! According to the story it states "and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer. This dealer was no other than the man of whom he had made fun and for whom he had poured wine into a stocking to drink." This shows that the Baron got his revenge by putting Baron in the man's shoes and putting the man in Baron's shoes. In conclusion, the peddler got his revenge.

Corrections Always care for everyone around you! The peddler got his revenge on Baron. To begin with, Baron became poor and had to move out of the castle because a very rich person had bought the castle. The story states "Six years had not passed away before the noble baron wandered out of the castle gate a poor man, and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer." This means, the paddler got his revenge by making the Baron lose everything he had ever had. To add on, the person that bought the castle was the man who was made fun of and not treated well! According to the story it states "and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer. This dealer was no other than the man of whom he had made fun and for whom he had poured wine into a stocking to drink." This shows that the Baron got his revenge by putting Baron in the man's shoes and putting the man in Baron's shoes. In conclusion, the peddler got his revenge.


Final Draft Always Be Kind to Everyone Around You! "Everything In its Right Place" is a story about a peddler and a baron. In the story, a rich baron throws a party in his home where he and his friends mock a poor peddler. However, the story states, "Six years had not passed away before the noble baron wandered out of the castle gate a poor man, and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer." Long after the peddler had been embarrassed by the rich baron and his friends, an unknown rich dealer came along and bought the baron's mansion. Furthermore, the story says that "This dealer was no other than the man of whom he had made fun and for whom he had poured wine into a stocking to drink." As it turned out, the rich dealer was actually the peddler that the baron and his friends had made fun of years before. The peddler got his revenge by working hard and making enough money to buy the baron's mansion after he and his friends were mean to him. It's always important to be kind to everyone you meet so that you don't end up like the baron!

Hey, Teno! You're still doing really well with the titles, the only thing I want you to work on is putting them on a different line than the rest of the paragraph so that it's clear that it's a title. I also would really like you to start putting some context at the beginning of your paragraphs so that the reader knows what story you're talking about. If you look in my final draft and corrections, you'll see what I mean. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft Life is always more than you think it is! We know that the author is using personification in the story "The Flax". To begin with, the flax said that people say to her that she looks very nice. The story states "People say that I look exceedingly well, said the flax and I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen." This means, the author is using personification in the story because the flax is saying "people say she looks exceedingly well but flaxes are just flowers. To add on, the fern is talking in a sad voice. According to the story it states "but you know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticker are knotty; and then it sang quite mournfully: Snip, snap, Basse, lurre. The song is ended." This shows, the author is using personification because the author is saying that the fern can talk but ferns are leafless plants so they can't talk. In final analysis, we know the author is using personification in the story "The Flax".


Corrections Life is always more than you think it is!
****"'Good title! Only thing I modified was capitalization."'

We know that the author is using personification in the story "The Flax".
****"'This is really close to what I'm looking for for this one; however, we need just a little bit more context. I added in a bit more context and then added a modified version of your sentence after."'
"The Flax" is a story of a flax plant's life. In this story, the author uses personification, which we can tell for many reasons.


To begin with, the flax said that people say to her that she looks very nice. The story states "People say that I look exceedingly well, said the flax and I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen."
****"'A couple things here: first, when you're adding a quote within a quote, you have to change the quotations a bit - you put regular quotations (" ") around the entire thing and single quotations (' ') around the quote that's within the quote (you'll see what I mean in my corrected version). I also switched this up to include how the flax was speaking with the quotation to make one chunk instead of two separate sentences. Along with that, I put a colon ( : ) before the quote. You might be wondering why, and it's because the quote is introduced by a full sentence, so the colon replaces the period that would typically go at the end of the sentence (you'll also see what I mean here)."'
First, the flax is speaking in the story: "'People say that I look exceedingly well, said the flax, 'and I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen.'"

This means, the author is using personification in the story because the flax is saying "people say she looks exceedingly well but flaxes are just flowers.
****"'For this part, I took out where you have the quote and the explanation about flaxes just being flowers. Instead, I explained that the reason why it's personification is because plants can't talk and the flax is a plant."'
Here, we can tell that the author is using personification because the flax is speaking and explaining how people think she is beautiful, but flaxes can't speak because they are plants.

To add on, the fern is talking in a sad voice.
****"'Since the goal of this prompt is to tell how the author uses personification, instead of just saying that the fern is talking in a sad voice, I added how that is what the author explains."'
To add on, the author explains that the fern is talking in a sad voice.

According to the story it states "but you know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticker are knotty; and then it sang quite mournfully: Snip, snap, Basse, lurre. The song is ended."
****"'This is another place where I modified the quotations. Also, I changed 'According to the story it states' to 'In the story, the author says,' to again put emphasis on how this is a way the author personified the plants."'
In the story, the author says, "'but you know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticker are knotty;' and then it sang quite mournfully: Snip, snap, Basse, lurre. The song is ended.'"

This shows, the author is using personification because the author is saying that the fern can talk but ferns are leafless plants so they can't talk.
****"'I took out 'This shows,' and said how the author is showing personification and then explained how, because ferns are just leafless plants, they can't talk either."'
The author is showing personification here too, because ferns are just leafless plants, so they can't talk either.

In final analysis, we know the author is using personification in the story "The Flax".
****"'I reworded this sentence to make it more conclusive and sort of summarize the argument of the paragraph."'
The author of "The Flax" used personification throughout the whole story because the plants are talking the whole time, which is something only people can do.


Final Draft Life Is Always More Than You Think It Is! "The Flax" is a story of a flax plant's life. In this story, the author uses personification, which we can tell for many reasons. First, the flax is speaking in the story: "'People say that I look exceedingly well, said the flax, 'and I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen.'" Here, we can tell that the author is using personification because the flax is speaking and explaining how people think she is beautiful, but flaxes can't speak because they are plants. To add on, the author explains that the fern is talking in a sad voice. In the story, the author says, "'but you know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticker are knotty;' and then it sang quite mournfully: Snip, snap, Basse, lurre. The song is ended.'" The author is showing personification here too, because ferns are just leafless plants, so they can't talk either. The author of "The Flax" used personification throughout the whole story because the plants are talking the whole time, which is something only people can do.

The main thing to focus on here is capitalization of your titles. Other than that, I don't have anything in particular for you to work on. Just read my comments and corrections and use those in your future paragraphs. Great job! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft You really need brains to impress someone! There are many differences between the grasshopper and the leapfrog. To begin with, the leapfrog is smarter. The story states "the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head that he has." This means, they are different because the leapfrog has a brain but the grasshopper doesn't. To add on, the frog won the festival/contest so he got the treasure. The story also states "Only one of good understanding

Corrections You really need brains to impress someone!
****"'This is a good title! I like it. I only changed capitalization."'

There are many differences between the grasshopper and the leapfrog.
****"'Before we start in on the paragraph, we first have to give some background on what the story is about and why we're talking about a frog and a grasshopper. Also, in the story, Grasshopper and Leapfrog are capitalized, so we need to do that here too."'
In the story, "The Leaping Match", a Grasshopper and a Leapfrog compete to see who can jump the highest, and whoever wins will get a prize from the King. In this story, there are many differences between the Grasshopper and the Leapfrog.

To begin with, the leapfrog is smarter. The story states "the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head that he has."
****"'Here, I sort of changed how you integrated the quote into your sentence."'
To begin with, the Leapfrog was smarter. The King even said "the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has."

This means, they are different because the leapfrog has a brain but the grasshopper doesn't.
****"'I reworded this a bit to give the sentence a better flow."'
The King sees that the Leapfrog is smart, but he doesn't see the Grasshopper that way.

To add on, the frog won the festival/contest so he got the treasure.
****"'I only slightly reworded this one too and explained how the Leapfrog won."'
On top of this, the Leapfrog won the contest because of his smarts, so he got the treasure.

The story also states "Only one of good understanding
****"'It looks like you maybe got distracted by something here and then just forgot to finish the rest of your paragraph. I took this quote out and added a conclusion sentence. I also thought adding a different detail, like how the Grasshopper landed on the King's face or didn't jump very high, would've been good, but I didn't want to write that for you, so I'm giving you this suggestion now for when you write next time."'
Since the Grasshopper didn't think and didn't jump very high, and the Leapfrog used his brain, the Leapfrog won and the Grasshopper didn't.


Final Draft You Really Need Brains to Impress Someone! In the story, "The Leaping Match", a Grasshopper and a Leapfrog compete to see who can jump the highest, and whoever wins will get a prize from the King. In this story, there are many differences between the Grasshopper and the Leapfrog. To begin with, the Leapfrog was smarter. The King even said "the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." The King sees that the Leapfrog is smart, but he doesn't see the Grasshopper that way. On top of this, the Leapfrog won the contest because of his smarts, so he got the treasure. Since the Grasshopper didn't think and didn't jump very high, and the Leapfrog used his brain, the Leapfrog won and the Grasshopper didn't.

For this, I suggest reading more carefully and paying attention to what's capitalized in the story so you make sure you do the same thing. Also, make sure you are picking really good examples for whatever the prompt is asking for (like how the Grasshopper didn't jump very high and landed on the King's face). Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

 The protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen. To begin with, Greda is the protagonist because she is the one who is trying to stop the Snow Queen. The story states "But can you not give little  Greda something to help her conquer this power?"   This means, she is the protagonist because she is the main character and she is stopping the Snow Queen. To add on, the antagonist is the Snow Queen because she is the opponent of Gerda which means, she is the one that is trying to be stopped. The story also states ""Cannot you give this little maiden something which will make her as strong as twelve men, to overcome the Snow Queen?"  This shows, the Snow Queen is the antagonist because she is the one that is trying to get stopped. In conclusion, the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.

Corrections The protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.
****"'What story? I also took out the specific names here so that I could use them later."'
The story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", there are a protagonist and an antagonist

To begin with, Greda is the protagonist because she is the one who is trying to stop the Snow Queen.
****"'For this part, I reworded things a little bit to give it a better flow and created two separate sentences."'
The protagonist of the story is a girl named Gerda. You can tell that she is the protagonist because she is the one who is trying to defeat the Snow Queen.

The story states "But can you not give little Greda something to help her conquer this power?" This means, she is the protagonist because she is the main character and she is stopping the Snow Queen.
****"'Here, I added a little more introduction before the quote that includes your explanation that you put after the quote. I also put a shorter explanation."'
In the story, the reindeer asks the Finlander, "But can you not give little Gerda something to help her conquer this power?" when they're talking about Gerda going to defeat the Ice Queen.

To add on, the antagonist is the Snow Queen because she is the opponent of Gerda which means, she is the one that is trying to be stopped.
****"'Since we've already established that Gerda wants to stop the Snow Queen, we don't need to mention it again here. Because of this, I took this sentence out."'

The story also states ""Cannot you give this little maiden something which will make her as strong as twelve men, to overcome the Snow Queen?" This shows, the Snow Queen is the antagonist because she is the one that is trying to get stopped.
****"'I added some more context again at the beginning of the sentence before the quote just to give the reader a clue as to who is talking. I also rewrote the explanation since we already know that Gerda is trying to defeat the Snow Queen."'
We know that the Ice Queen is the antagonist because the reindeer also asks, "Cannot you give this little maiden something which will make her as strong as twelve men, to overcome the Snow Queen?" so now we know for sure that the Ice Queen is the antagonist because Gerda is trying to stop her.

In conclusion, the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.
****"'For this paragraph, it was kind of difficult to create a good conclusion sentence since you were answering two clear questions, but I tried to reword it and add just a little bit more."'
In this story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.


Final Draft The story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", there are a protagonist and an antagonist. The protagonist of the story is a girl named Gerda. You can tell that she is the protagonist because she is the one who is trying to defeat the Snow Queen. In the story, the reindeer asks the Finlander, "But can you not give little Gerda something to help her conquer this power?" when they're talking about Gerda going to defeat the Ice Queen. We know that the Ice Queen is the antagonist because the reindeer also asks, "Cannot you give this little maiden something which will make her as strong as twelve men, to overcome the Snow Queen?" so now we know for sure that the Ice Queen is the antagonist because Gerda is trying to stop her. In this story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.


First thing to note: the protagonist's name was Gerda, not Greda. Anyway, the thing to work on the most for this is noting who in the story is talking. You can say "the text says" for most things, but if you're quoting a specific character, you need to tell the reader who is talking (look how I did it in the corrections and final draft). For pretty much everything else, just read my comments and corrections like usual. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft Siblings can be very different! I will describe 2 boys from the story. To begin with, The first boy is probably very loving. The text states "took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and [106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it." This means he thought of Jason and was making the clay form into Jason. To add on, the fourth child was the one that was disliked but he was the loved by the sunshine. The story also states "yes, he was the `ugly duck` of the family... but of me he got a warm, sunny kiss, said the Sunshine. He had ten kisses for one." This means, he was disliked by his family, but he was liked by the sunshine. To conclude, I described 2 boys from the story.

Corrections Siblings can be very different!
****"'This is a good opening sentence! I kept it."'

I will describe 2 boys from the story.
****"'I changed this sentence just a little bit to show that there are four brothers in total but also show that you're only going to talk about two. Also, for numbers one through nine, you type them out in words like I just did. For numbers 10 or greater, you use just the digits (numbers) like I just did in this sentence."'
In this story, there are four brothers, and two of them are very different.

To begin with, The first boy is probably very loving.
****"'I changed this sentence a bit too."'
The first boy seems to be very loving.

The text states "took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and [106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it."
****"'All I changed here was the introduction before the quote."'
The text says that he "took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and [106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it."

This means he thought of Jason and was making the clay form into Jason.
****"'I reworded this sentence just a bit to make it less repetitive of the name "Jason" and give it a better flow."'
When the first brother was making the clay form, he thought of Jason and made his sculpture look like him.

To add on, the fourth child was the one that was disliked but he was the loved by the sunshine.
****"'The phrase 'to add on' suggests that what you're about to say relates to what you said before, but now you're talking about a different brother. Because of this, I changed the sentence up a little bit to clarify that we are moving on from the first brother to the fourth brother. I also only said that he was disliked in this part and saved how the sunshine likes him for a little bit later."'
On the other hand, the fourth brother was not very liked by his family.


The story also states "yes, he was the `ugly duck` of the family... but of me he got a warm, sunny kiss, said the Sunshine. He had ten kisses for one."
****"'I broke this quote up to show in two separate places how he is disliked by his family but liked by the sunshine. I also included more of the first half of the quote and an explanation after it."'
The story says that he was "the 'ugly duck' of the family. They said he had the pip and must eat pepper and butter like a sick chicken, and that was what was given to him;" The boy's family treated him like a sick chicken and only gave him pepper and butter to eat.

This means, he was disliked by his family, but he was liked by the sunshine.
****"'After what I just typed, I went and added how the sunshine liked the fourth brother along with an explanation."'
However, the sun liked him a lot. The story says, "'...but of me he got a warm, sunny kiss,' said the Sunshine. 'He had ten kisses for one.'" So even though he was disliked by his family, the sunshine liked him a lot.

To conclude, I described 2 boys from the story.
****"'The conclusion sentence should wrap up what you talked about, not what you did. So you just would write a brief summary of what you talked about rather than a brief summary about the fact that you described two boys."'
Although these two boys were brothers, they were very different from each other.


Final Draft Siblings can be very different! In this story, there are four brothers, and two of them are very different. The first boy seems to be very loving. The text says that he "took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and [106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it." When the first brother was making the clay form, he thought of Jason and made his sculpture look like him. On the other hand, the fourth brother was not very liked by his family. The story says that he was "the 'ugly duck' of the family. They said he had the pip and must eat pepper and butter like a sick chicken, and that was what was given to him;" The boy's family treated him like a sick chicken and only gave him pepper and butter to eat. However, the sun liked him a lot. The story says, "'...but of me he got a warm, sunny kiss,' said the Sunshine. 'He had ten kisses for one.'" So even though he was disliked by his family, the sunshine liked him a lot. Although these two boys were brothers, they were very different from each other.

Mainly, work on elaborating more; basically, don't just take a huge chunk of quote and use it to describe two separate things (like the fourth brother being disliked by his family but liked by the sunshine). It might not be fun to take the time to write that much detail, but it will improve your paragraph. Also, make sure your transition words match what you're going to say (like how I changed "to add on" to "on the other hand" to match what you said next). Work on conclusion sentences too. Introduction sentence was great, good job! Keep up the hard work. Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Snails re acting like humans! The snails are acting like humans. To start with, the snails adopted a snail child. The story states "they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child." This means the snails were acting like humans because usually, humans are the ones to adopt children not snails. To add on, the female snail was now a foster mother. The story also states "for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see great improvement in him." To clarify, the female snail is acting like humans because she is a foster mother and humans that are female are usually foster mother. In conclusion, the snails are acting like humans.

Corrections Snails re acting like humans!
****"'This is a fun title! I only fixed the capitalization and added an "a" to the front of "re" because I assumed that was just a typo."'

The snails are acting like humans.
****"'This is true! But first, we have to tell the reader which snails are acting like humans and why we're talking about them."'
The story "The Happy Family" is a story about a family of snails.

To start with, the snails adopted a snail child. The story states "they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child." This means the snails were acting like humans because usually, humans are the ones to adopt children not snails.
****"'This whole thing can be shortened into one sentence."'
In the story, the snails are very similar to humans, two old snails even "adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child." just like humans.

To add on, the female snail was now a foster mother. The story also states "for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see great improvement in him." To clarify, the female snail is acting like humans because she is a foster mother and humans that are female are usually foster mother.
****"'I shortened all of this into two sentences."'
The story also says that the snail they adopted "was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see great improvement in him." The Mother Snail was a foster mother, and many humans are foster mothers.


In conclusion, the snails are acting like humans.
****"'This is the same as your first sentence, so I changed it."'
These snails are just like humans in this story!

Final Draft Snails Are Acting Like Humans! The story "The Happy Family" is a story about a family of snails. In the story, the snails are very similar to humans, two old snails even "adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child." just like humans. The story also says that the snail they adopted "was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see great improvement in him." The Mother Snail was a foster mother, and many humans are foster mothers. These snails are just like humans in this story!

Teno, I would really like for you to work on your introduction and conclusion sentences. I feel like I'm telling you the same thing every time but you're not reading my suggestions or just not fixing your writing, and I can't help you if you don't read my suggestions and use them as help. Introduction sentences should help introduce what your paragraph is about instead of just jumping into it. Conclusion sentences should wrap up the paragraph, but it shouldn't be the exact same as your introduction. You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Everyone has consequences! The message the writer is trying to make to the reader is don’t be rude to someone and then take your expectations to high because there will be consequences. To start with, the buckwheat was being very rude and was not very nice to the willow tree. The story states ``But the buckwheat spread itself out with pride and said, Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body.`` This shows, that the buckwheat was not nice to the willow tree so he had to have consequences because of his actions. To add on, since the buckwheat thought was too confident about not getting hurt and he wasn’t listening to the corn and the willow tree, he got burnt. The story also states ` `Bend. Your head as we. Do,. Cried the ears of the corn; the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy. But I will not bend my head, said the buckwheat... but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning.`` To clarify, since the buckwheat didn’t listen, he got burnt by the lightning. In final analysis, the message the writer is trying to make to the reader is don’t be rude to someone and then take your expectations to hight because, there will always be consequences.

Corrections Everyone has consequences!
****"'Here it's important that the title get its own line. Also, the main point of this story was to not be prideful or arrogant, so I changed it to fit that message instead."'
Don't Be Too Prideful!

The message the writer is trying to make to the reader is don’t be rude to someone and then take your expectations to high because there will be consequences.
****"'Here again is where we have to make sure we have a good introduction sentence before we start to write our argument. Also, in this context, you would say "too high", not "to high". I took this sentence out and gave some background about the story and also added some quotes that would better explain the next quote you added about the buckwheat being rude to the willow-tree."'
The story, "The Buckwheat" takes place in a field of plants. One plant, the buckwheat, is very proud and thinks he's better than the other plants. He says that "I am as valuable as any other corn," and then says that he is "am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us." Then, he speaks to the old willow-tree and says, "Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?"

To start with, the buckwheat was being very rude and was not very nice to the willow tree. The story states ``But the buckwheat spread itself out with pride and said, Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body.``
****"'In this sentence, I took edited the part about the buckwheat being rude to the willow-tree a little bit since I added another quote before it."'
The willow-tree nods, but this made the buckwheat angry so he insults the willow-tree when he says, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body."


This shows, that the buckwheat was not nice to the willow tree so he had to have consequences because of his actions.
****"'You're right, the buckwheat was not nice to the tree, but we can't really talk about consequences yet because he hasn't had any at this point. Also, the reader can tell from the quote that the buckwheat wasn't being nice, so we don't need to add that. I took this sentence out."'

To add on, since the buckwheat thought was too confident about not getting hurt and he wasn’t listening to the corn and the willow tree, he got burnt.
****"'Here is a part where we need some more context for the reader. In the quote you added after this, we know there's a storm coming, but it's better to go ahead and tell the reader what comes next in the story (the storm) so that they know what's going on before the quote."'
Next, a storm started to form over the field. The story says, "All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride."

The story also states ` `Bend. Your head as we. Do,. Cried the ears of the corn; the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy. But I will not bend my head, said the buckwheat... but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning.``
****"'How you added quotes here is kind of confusing for the reader because you have quotations at the beginning and end, but not where the buckwheat is talking. Also, you squeeze information from pretty much the rest of the entire story in these lines, but we still need some more context about why the buckwheat got burnt by the lightning."'
The plants encouraged the buckwheat to do the same, but he was too prideful and refused. Then the ears of corn cried, "Bend your head as we do," and said, "the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.", but the buckwheat still did not listen. Even the willow tree told him so, and even gave him more advice when he said, "Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind." Even still, the buckwheat did not listen and "Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up to see "the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."


To clarify, since the buckwheat didn’t listen, he got burnt by the lightning.
****"'Instead of saying "to clarify,", you can just say the rest of the sentence. In any case, I went ahead and sort of reworded this sentence anyway."'
Because the buckwheat was too prideful and did not listen to the advice from the other plants, he was struck by lightning and was burnt.

In final analysis, the message the writer is trying to make to the reader is don’t be rude to someone and then take your expectations to hight because, there will always be consequences.
****"'As long as you have a good conclusion sentence, you don't have to say "in final analysis" or "in conclusion", because the reader will know it's your conclusion. Also, again, you would say "too high", not "to high", but the story doesn't have anything to do with the buckwheat's expectations exactly, he was just too prideful and arrogant."'
The writer's message is that it's important not to be too prideful and to listen to advice from the people who want to help you, because otherwise you might suffer consequences like the buckwheat did.


Final Draft Don't Be Too Prideful! The story, "The Buckwheat" takes place in a field of plants. One plant, the buckwheat, is very proud and thinks he's better than the other plants. He says that "I am as valuable as any other corn," and then says that he is "am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us." Then, he speaks to the old willow-tree and says, "Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?" The willow-tree nods, but this made the buckwheat angry so he insults the willow-tree when he says, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body." Next, a storm started to form over the field. The story says, "All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride." The plants encouraged the buckwheat to do the same, but he was too prideful and refused. Then the ears of corn cried, "Bend your head as we do," and said, "the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.", but the buckwheat still did not listen. Even the willow tree told him so, and even gave him more advice when he said, "Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind." Even still, the buckwheat did not listen and "Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up to see "the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." Because the buckwheat was too prideful and did not listen to the advice from the other plants, he was struck by lightning and was burnt. The writer's message is that it's important not to be too prideful and to listen to advice from the people who want to help you, because otherwise you might suffer consequences like the buckwheat did.

Okay, the biggest thing here is just reading my comments about some of the things you say with explaining your quotes. One of your classmates asked for help with it the other day. It seemed to help her, so if you want, I can tell you what I told her. Also, add more context to things and don't be afraid to add more details. Also, watch for the difference between "to" and "too". Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft The Mermaids The princesses were different from each other. To begin with, the youngest princess was the most generous while the older ones were not. The text states "She was a curious child, quite and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." This means she was very kind and thoughtful. To add on, she was very beautiful while her others sisters were pretty but not as pretty. The story also states "They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." This shows, she was very beautiful and different from her siblings. In conclusion, the princesses were different from each other.

Corrections The Mermaids
****"'First, since this is a title, we have to make sure it's above the rest of the story. I also added "Princesses" to the end just to clarify what the story is about a little more."'
The Mermaid Princesses

The princesses were different from each other.
****"'For an introduction sentence, this doesn't really explain to the reader any context about the story. So I added some more context and added just a little more detail."'
In the story, "The Little Mermaid", there are six mermaid sisters who were princesses. All of the sisters were different from each other, but the youngest sister was really unique.

To begin with, the youngest princess was the most generous while the older ones were not.
****"'So in the story, it doesn't actually mention anything about the youngest princess being generous, and the quote you added after this sentence doesn't explain how she's generous, so I took this sentence out."'

The text states "She was a curious child, quite and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." This means she was very kind and thoughtful.
****"'This is a good quote; however, a quote you inserted next came before the quote you used in this sentence, so I swapped them around so it would go in order. I also left out the part about her having a fish's tail, because that doesn't explain how she's different from her sisters."'
The story says that "her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea," and she was the prettiest of all of her sisters.

To add on, she was very beautiful while her others sisters were pretty but not as pretty. The story also states "They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." This shows, she was very beautiful and different from her siblings.
****"'Like I already said, I swapped this quote with the last quote, but I also added more context about her garden and how she decorated it."'
The story also says that "She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful,". The youngest princess wasn't just beautiful, but she was also more shy than her sisters. Each of the sisters got to have their own garden that they could decorate however they wanted, and "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Most of the youngest mermaid's sisters "decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks," but she only decorated her garden with "the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." Each of the sisters decorated their gardens differently, but the youngest sister only had a couple decorations.

In conclusion, the princesses were different from each other.
****"'Well this sentence is the same as your introduction sentence, so we have to change it a little bit. Also, we need to sort of summarize the ways that the youngest sister is different from her older sisters, so I added some more context for that part too to make a well rounded conclusion."'
You can really tell how different the younger sister is because she's the most beautiful sister, but she's also quiet and doesn't like fancy decorations. She is truly special.

Final Draft The Mermaid Princesses In the story, "The Little Mermaid", there are six mermaid sisters who were princesses. All of the sisters were different from each other, but the youngest sister was really unique. The story says that "her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea," and she was the prettiest of all of her sisters. The story also says that "She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful,". The youngest princess wasn't just beautiful, but she was also more shy than her sisters. Each of the sisters got to have their own garden that they could decorate however they wanted, and "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Most of the youngest mermaid's sisters "decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks," but she only decorated her garden with "the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." Each of the sisters decorated their gardens differently, but the youngest sister only had a couple decorations. You can really tell how different the younger sister is because she's the most beautiful sister, but she's also quiet and doesn't like fancy decorations. She is truly special.

Hey Teno, things to work on here are making sure your introduction and conclusion sentences are different, adding quotes in chronological order (order from beginning to end in the story), and making sure your details are correct by making sure you understand what you've read (like how you said the youngest princess was generous even though the story didn't mention her being generous). Taking the time to read and make sure you understand everything can be really helpful. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Have researchers found something in someones brain? Many things happened to the research participants during the study. To start with, Big waves of cerebrospinal fluid went into the participants brain at the deepest part of the cycle. The story states "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." This means, the participants had to go through this during the study. To add on, at that time neurons turned off and on. According to the story it says "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in synchronized fashion." This shows, while the study, the participants had to go through this. In final analysis, many things happened to the research participants during the study.

Corrections Have researchers found something in someones brain?
****"'So this is a pretty good introduction sentence, but for the context of the story, we need to edit it a little so that it fits better."'
What have these researchers discovered about the brain?

Many things happened to the research participants during the study.
****"'Here, we need a little more context before sliding right into what happened. The reader needs to know what the study is and why there was a study first. Since there were two studies in this article, you have to at least briefly mention the first study because the first one is why there was even a second one."'
Sleep is crucial for human beings, in fact, sleeping "for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." Recently, after a study on the brains of sleeping baboons and rats in 2013 was conducted, a followup study was conducted. Scientists at Boston University observed the brain during sleep by asking their participants to "spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine." To be able to watch the "electrical currents" in the brain, the researchers had each participant "wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap."

To start with, Big waves of cerebrospinal fluid went into the participants brain at the deepest part of the cycle. The story states "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."
****"'First, "big" shouldn't be capitalized here. Second, the word "participants'" should be plural with an apostrophe after the "s" to show possession. These two sentences basically say the same thing, so I just put them together."'
The researchers found that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."

This means, the participants had to go through this during the study.
****"'The prompt asked for what happened to the participants in the study, not what they went through. Also, this sentence doesn't really add anything to the rest of your paragraph, so I deleted it."'

To add on, at that time neurons turned off and on. According to the story it says "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in synchronized fashion."
****"'This is another one of those times where you can just combine sentences. Then, I added some more information from the article to better come to a conclusion."'
Furthermore, "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." As it turns out, the breaks "in neuron activity caused less blood to flow into the brain, creating more room for the 'cleansing' cerebrospinal fluid." Even a professor of public health and neuroscience at the University of California, Berkeley named William Jagust "who was not involved in the study, believes the findings also suggest that people can reduce their risk of brain disorders like Alzheimer's by ensuring they prioritize high-quality sleep."

This shows, while the study, the participants had to go through this.
****"'Here, you just wrote again what you said the last time about participants. I took this out as well."'

In final analysis, many things happened to the research participants during the study.
****"'This is true, but we need something a little bit more conclusive for this sentence."'
The participants might not have known it at first, but their contributions were able to teach us a lot about sleep and the brain, and scientists and science-lovers alike are thankful.


Final Draft What have these researchers discovered about the brain? Sleep is crucial for human beings, in fact, sleeping "for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." Recently, after a study on the brains of sleeping baboons and rats in 2013 was conducted, a followup study was conducted. Scientists at Boston University observed the brain during sleep by asking their participants to "spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine." To be able to watch the "electrical currents" in the brain, the researchers had each participant "wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." The researchers found that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." Furthermore, "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." As it turns out, the breaks "in neuron activity caused less blood to flow into the brain, creating more room for the 'cleansing' cerebrospinal fluid." Even a professor of public health and neuroscience at the University of California, Berkeley named William Jagust "who was not involved in the study, believes the findings also suggest that people can reduce their risk of brain disorders like Alzheimer's by ensuring they prioritize high-quality sleep." The participants might not have known it at first, but their contributions were able to teach us a lot about sleep and the brain, and scientists and science-lovers alike are thankful.

Again, most of this is just about reading my comments and suggestions to help you out. Also be sure you're reading the whole thing to understand what the prompt is. You got this! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

You can help the earth stay safe even at home! There are many ways we can help improve the earth. To start with, You can use cardboard, plastic and much more to make cool items. The text states "But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter." To clarify, you don't have to waste these objects and, you will be helping the environment. Another way, you can pickup garbage around where you live and make a collection drive or maybe make a movie. The story states "volunteer to pickup trash at a nearby park, start a collection drive for recyclable items, or organize a screening of an environmentally- themed movie." This shows, people can help the earth by doing these things. In conclusion, there are many ways we can help improve the earth.


Corrections You can help the earth stay safe even at home!
****"'This introduction sentence was pretty good! I took it and just tweaked it a little bit to make it flow a little better and added another sentence for some more context."'
You can help save the earth from home! Helping the earth might seem like a big task, but we can all do something to help.

There are many ways we can help improve the earth.
****"'This sentence kind of goes with the second sentence I wrote above, so I didn't rewrite or keep this."'

To start with, You can use cardboard, plastic and much more to make cool items.
****"'Here, I reworded it a bit to make it flow better and then added a part of the quote you used in the next sentence. This just makes your paragraph less choppy and instead makes it smoother and easier to read."'
One of the ways you can help out is by using cardboard, plastic, and other things you might usually throw away to make something really cool, like "an awesome telescope or a flower planter."

The text states "But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter."
****"'Again, I just used part of this quote in the sentence I rewrote above."'

To clarify, you don't have to waste these objects and, you will be helping the environment.
****"'I reworded this sentence too to make it feel not so repetitive. This sentence right now doesn't need "to clarify" in it because the reader can tell themselves what the previous sentences and quote meant."'
That way, you're not adding waste to the environment.

Another way, you can pickup garbage around where you live and make a collection drive or maybe make a movie.
****"'To clarify, the article said that you could organize a screening of a movie, not that you could make one. So that's something we need to fix. Reading closely before you write is a good way to help you avoid these kinds of mistakes. Also, for this context, "pick up" are two separate words, not one word like "pickup". I reworded this sentence to be clearer and add a little more detail."'
Another way you can help is by picking up garbage around your home or a park and "start a collection drive for recyclable items, or organize a screening of an environmentally-themed movie."

The story states "volunteer to pickup trash at a nearby park, start a collection drive for recyclable items, or organize a screening of an environmentally- themed movie."
****"'You can see above how I combined this quote with the sentence I wrote with my own words, so I'm taking the quote out here."'

This shows, people can help the earth by doing these things.
****"'The reader already knows that this whole paragraph is about things that we can do to help the earth, so we don't need to state it again. Instead, I reworded it to add the fact that this can also be a way to make friends."'
That way, you're making friends while you help the earth!

In conclusion, there are many ways we can help improve the earth.
****"'I tweaked this sentence a bit to make it a little longer and more enthusiastic to end the paragraph with a bang.
Being kind to our earth doesn't have to be a difficult chore, and these are some simple ways to have fun and help our earth at the same time!


Final Draft You can help save the earth from home! Helping the earth might seem like a big task, but we can all do something to help. One of the ways you can help out is by using cardboard, plastic, and other things you might usually throw away to make something really cool, like "an awesome telescope or a flower planter." That way, you're not adding waste to the environment. Another way you can help is by picking up garbage around your home or a park and "start a collection drive for recyclable items, or organize a screening of an environmentally-themed movie." That way, you're making friends while you help the earth! Being kind to our earth doesn't have to be a difficult chore, and these are some simple ways to have fun and help our earth at the same time!

Hey Teno! This was good! Your introduction sentences have greatly improved, which is awesome! I think as long as you keep reading my comments about the body and conclusion of your paragraph, you'll really start to improve in those areas too! Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft Seniors don't have to worry anymore about groceries! The boys are helping the Seniors in many ways. To begin with, The boys help them by bringing them big bags of groceries because of the coronavirus being more deadly to adults and Seniors. The story states "Soon, Mathew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries and necessary supplies they needed." This means, they are very helpful towards the Seniors. Another reason, the boys also clean the bags that they deliver because they don't want the Seniors getting sick and they offer curbside pickup. The story also states " They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." To clarify, they care about the Seniors. In conclusion, The boys are helping the Seniors in many ways.

Corrections Seniors don't have to worry anymore about groceries!
****"'This is another really good introduction sentence! I only tweaked it a little bit to make it a little more specific to the story."'
The seniors of Maryland don't have to worry about getting groceries anymore!


The boys are helping the Seniors in many ways.
****"'Here, you have to identify who "the boys" are. Are they friends? Are they in a band? Who are they? Also, "seniors" doesn't need to be capitalized because it's an improper noun (just like how you say "kids" and not "Kids"). So, I added a little bit more context about the boys and their service project."'
Teens Helping Seniors is a service project created by Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai.


To begin with, The boys help them by bringing them big bags of groceries because of the coronavirus being more deadly to adults and Seniors.
****"'For this part, I added a little more context and reworded it a bit to give it a better flow."'
The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have started delivering groceries to senior citizens and other people with underlying health conditions who are afraid of contracting COVID-19 and passing it to their loved ones who may have their own health issues.


The story states "Soon, Mathew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries and necessary supplies they needed." This means, they are very helpful towards the Seniors.
****"'For this part, you hadn't talked about Mr. Kraft previously in your paragraph, so I took out this quote because the reader won't know who you're talking about when you say "his" and "they"."'


Another reason, the boys also clean the bags that they deliver because they don't want the Seniors getting sick and they offer curbside pickup. The story also states " They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." To clarify, they care about the Seniors.
****"'Here, I combined it to include some of my own words as well as parts of the quotes from the article."'
In order to keep the people they're delivering to safe, the teens "maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."


In conclusion, The boys are helping the Seniors in many ways.
****"'In this sentence, I reworded it to add a little more enthusiasm."'
Thanks to these high schoolers, the senior citizens of their community are getting the help they need.


Final Draft The seniors of Maryland don't have to worry about getting groceries anymore! Teens Helping Seniors is a service project created by Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai. The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have started delivering groceries to senior citizens and other people with underlying health conditions who are afraid of contracting COVID-19 and passing it to their loved ones who may have their own health issues. In order to keep the people they're delivering to safe, the teens "maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." Thanks to these high schoolers, the senior citizens of their community are getting the help they need.

This was pretty good! Just make sure you're adding enough context so that the reader knows who/what you're talking about and watch to make sure you're not being repetitive. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Earth Day can be celebrated without having to leave your home! There are many ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated. To begin with, From April 20-24 of 2020 a wide range of industries and five continents will be in touch and meet over the internet and discuss about what they have seen happening and they also talk about what they can do about it. The story states "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finances to food agriculture to local government." This means people can still celebrate Earth Day even if the coronavirus doesn't let people go outside. To add on, In California's counties, residents are going to celebrate Earth Day by doing something called "Earth Day Sing Out." What you have to do is record yourself singing a song from the list of 30 they give you or you can pick your own. When you finish singing, you have to post the video on Twitter using hashtags given to you by them. The story also states "In California's Davis, Yolo, Salono, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with "The Earth Day Sing Out." "Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." To clarify, people in California could show their respect towards Earth Day by singing a song and posting it on Twitter with the hashtags given. In conclusion, There are many ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated.

Corrections Earth Day can be celebrated without having to leave your home!
****"'This is an awesome introduction sentence! I only tweaked it by adding "This year," at the beginning."'
This year, Earth Day can be celebrated without having to leave your home!


There are many ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated.
****"'So, this is true, but instead of saying this, go ahead and just tell us what the story is reporting. Before that, though, give some more context: what is Earth Day? What do you usually do to celebrate?"'
Earth Day is usually celebrated on April 22 and is celebrated with outdoor activities like planting trees, recycling, and picking up litter.

To begin with, From April 20-24 of 2020 a wide range of industries and five continents will be in touch and meet over the internet and discuss about what they have seen happening and they also talk about what they can do about it. The story states "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finances to food agriculture to local government."
****"'These two sentences can be combined so that you aren't being repetitive by saying it yourself and then adding the direct quote. Also, add why it is that this event is happening (coronavirus)."'
Unfortunately, the outbreak of coronavirus has restricted some of these fun and helpful activities; however, this year, "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." This event is free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world "via the wedonthavetime.org website, will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon."

This means people can still celebrate Earth Day even if the coronavirus doesn't let people go outside.
****"'Here, I edited it to say "this way" instead of "this means" and took out the part about coronavirus since I mentioned it in the sentences before."'
This way, people will be able to join the fun of celebrating Earth Day without having to leave their homes.

To add on, In California's counties, residents are going to celebrate Earth Day by doing something called "Earth Day Sing Out."
****"'Since the story only told us that a few of California's counties are doing this, it would be incorrect to say "California's counties". Instead, say which counties are participating. Also, instead of "to add on," I said "additionally,"."'
Additionally, the counties of Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento in California are holding an at-home celebration called "Earth Day Sing Out".


What you have to do is record yourself singing a song from the list of 30 they give you or you can pick your own. When you finish singing, you have to post the video on Twitter using hashtags given to you by them. The story also states "In California's Davis, Yolo, Salono, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with "The Earth Day Sing Out." "Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020."
****"'Here, I just added the quote from the article to make this part smoother and shorter for the reader."'
The members of these counties "are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020."


To clarify, people in California could show their respect towards Earth Day by singing a song and posting it on Twitter with the hashtags given.
****"'I assume the random line break here was a typo, but reading back over what you've written is an easy way to pick up on those little mistakes and fix them. Also, there is no need to clarify what the sentence before meant, because the sentence before already did a good job explaining. I took this sentence out."'


In conclusion, There are many ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated.
****"'Here, I reworded the sentence to give a more conclusive feel to end your paragraph. Also, "there" shouldn't be capitalized since it's after a comma and not a period."'
With all of these cool, safe new options, people everywhere can celebrate Earth Day!


Final Draft This year, Earth Day can be celebrated without having to leave your home! Earth Day is usually celebrated on April 22 and is celebrated with outdoor activities like planting trees, recycling, and picking up litter. Unfortunately, the outbreak of coronavirus has restricted some of these fun and helpful activities; however, this year, "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." This event is free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world "via the wedonthavetime.org website, will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon." This way, people will be able to join the fun of celebrating Earth Day without having to leave their homes. Additionally, the counties of Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento in California are holding an at-home celebration called "Earth Day Sing Out". The members of these counties "are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." With all of these cool, safe new options, people everywhere can celebrate Earth Day!

Great job, Teno! Your introduction sentences are really improving! The only thing to work on is small typos, which you can pick up on by rereading what you've written, and being too repetitive. You can either state what the article said in your own words, put the direct quote in, or kind of combine the two, but you shouldn't be adding both the direct quote and the quote in your own words. When you do that, it's repetitive and takes up space. Otherwise, great job! Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Can we kids put an end to childhood hunger? William has accomplished many things. To start with, he has collected a lot more than 55,000 pounds of food. The story states "Seven years later, he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food." This means, He has a big impact because he could feed many children that are hungry. To add on, other people are now following William's foot steps and are trying to do whatever they can to stop childhood hunger as well. The story also states "still help make Food Drive Kids food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys school and the scout groups turn out in April to hand out food list to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks." To clarify, he made a big impact towards other people by trying to end childhood Hunger. In conclusion, William has accomplished many things.


Corrections Can we kids put an end to childhood hunger?
****"'This is a great introduction sentence! Awesome job!"'

William has accomplished many things.
****"'When you write these paragraphs, you have to write like the person reading them has never read the original story. So if I had never read the original story, I would have no idea who William is. Make sure you're telling the reader who you're talking about."'
William Winslow, a 14 year old from North Carolina, has already made a huge difference in fighting for this cause. After learning that as many as 1 in 5 children in his state were at risk for going hungry, William decided to do something about it.

To start with, he has collected a lot more than 55,000 pounds of food. The story states "Seven years later, he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food."
****"'These two sentences say pretty much the same thing. Instead of having both, just combine the sentences, use the quote, and add a little more context."'
After learning that as many as 1 in 5 children in his state were at risk for going hungry, William decided to do something about it. It started when he was in first grade, and "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000" with his organization he founded himself, Food Drive Kids.


This means, He has a big impact because he could feed many children that are hungry.
****"'The reader can tell by themselves that William is making a big impact, so there's no need for this sentence. Also, "he" wouldn't be capitalized."'

To add on, other people are now following William's foot steps and are trying to do whatever they can to stop childhood hunger as well. The story also states "still help make Food Drive Kids food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys school and the scout groups turn out in April to hand out food list to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks."
****"'First, you added this quote in at a funky place. Use it, but take out the "still help make Food Drive Kids food drive a success." because that's kind of distracting and throws the reader off of what you were saying. Also, you can shorten the first sentence and combine it with the quote."'
Many other kids in his community also help fight childhood hunger: "More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks."


To clarify, he made a big impact towards other people by trying to end childhood Hunger.
****"'First, "hunger" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, instead of explicitly saying that William had a big impact on people, add the detail about his recognition in the community. Then the reader will pick up that detail on their own."'
William has even been recognized "as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."

In conclusion, William has accomplished many things.
****"'For this part, I just tweaked it a little bit to make it flow better."'
At such a young age, William has already accomplished so much during his fight to end childhood hunger.


Final Draft Can we kids put an end to childhood hunger? William Winslow, a 14 year old from North Carolina, has already made a huge difference in fighting for this cause. After learning that as many as 1 in 5 children in his state were at risk for going hungry, William decided to do something about it. It started when he was in first grade, and "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000" with his organization he founded himself, Food Drive Kids. Many other kids in his community also help fight childhood hunger: "More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks." William has even been recognized "as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." At such a young age, William has already accomplished so much during his fight to end childhood hunger.

I'm pleased with the effort you put into this paragraph, I especially liked your introduction sentence! I liked the details you used, it shows that you payed attention to the article and really tried to do a good job. That's awesome! Just keep reading my comments! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft

Tokyo university student are graduating with avatar robots!!!    There are two new events that are stated in the story. To begin with, students from Tokyo university will be able to graduate with a robot. The story states, "Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home." This means, they were able to graduate even when they were at home. To add on, The company is going to allow people with issues to go on a "vacation". The story also states "The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on "vacation". This shows, now anyone with issues can have fun to! In final analysis, There are two new events that are stated in the story.

Corrections Tokyo university student are graduating with avatar robots!!!
****"'A few things here: first, the university is Business Breakthrough University, which is in Tokyo, but it is not Tokyo University. Also, since this event already happened in March, you would say that the students graduated instead of are graduating. If someone who didn't read the original article read this first sentence, they might be confused and think that students are receiving robots when they graduate, so it might be clearer to just introduce the problem first (coronavirus making it hard or impossible for students to attend graduation). Again, just like with the question marks in one of your other paragraphs, three exclamation points would be appropriate when messaging friends, but not for a formal assignment.
Due to the coronavirus outbreak, many students at Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo were unable to attend their graduation ceremony in person. However, a professor at the university, Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to give these students their graduation experience remotely.

There are two new events that are stated in the story.
****"'Instead of outright saying that there are two events, just write about them. Your teachers and I will see that you wrote about two events without you having to explicitly tell us that there are two events. I took this sentence out because of this."'


To begin with, students from Tokyo university will be able to graduate with a robot. The story states, "Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home."
****"'This is a time when you can combine sentences here. In the first sentence you say that students will graduate with a robot, and in the second sentence you quote the article saying almost the same thing. Instead, use that same quote and then elaborate on how the robots helped them graduate."'
On March 28, 2020, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president."


This means, they were able to graduate even when they were at home.
****"'Since the quote says that the students could attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home, this sentence isn't necessary. Because of this, I took this sentence out."'


To add on, The company is going to allow people with issues to go on a "vacation". The story also states "The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on "vacation".
****Here again is where you say one thing and then quote the article to say almost the same thing. Instead, just use the quote and then add the rest of this quote for what else the robots will be able to do. Also, the reader might not know what "The company" is, so add the name for the company and the part about how they are who created the robots."'
The company responsible for creating these robots, ANA Holdings, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station."


This shows, now anyone with issues can have fun to!
****"'First, in this context, you would say "too", not "to". "Too" means "also" or "as well" or "to excess". For example, "I want to go too" or "I'm too tired to play". In this sentence it would make sense to say "anyone with issues can have fun as well". "To" is a preposition, so I could say something like "give it to him". It also shows the infinitive form of a verb, like "I want to run". It can also mean "toward" or "until". I kind of rewrote this sentence to include the other things these robots can do, like take care of sick patients or attend business meetings."'
Now anyone will be able to have fun, regardless of any obstacles, and take care of important business or people in need.


In final analysis, There are two new events that are stated in the story.
****"'Again, the reader will be able to tell that there are two events from reading your paragraph, so you don't need to say again that there are two events. Instead, just write a conclusion sentence that will wrap up the story."'
These new avatar robots are sure to do amazing things in the future.


Final Draft Due to the coronavirus outbreak, many students at Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo were unable to attend their graduation ceremony in person. However, a professor at the university, Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to give these students their graduation experience remotely. On March 28, 2020, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president." The company responsible for creating these robots, ANA Holdings, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station." Now anyone will be able to have fun, regardless of any obstacles, and take care of important business or people in need. These new avatar robots are sure to do amazing things in the future.

Teno, I don't think you paid very close attention to the content of this article either. Make sure you really read the article, even if you have to read it twice, to make sure you totally understand what it is that you're writing about. Then, when you finish your paragraph, read back over it to check for small mistakes. Most of the errors you make are small things that you could easily fix if you just paid closer attention and checked your work. You're really enthusiastic in your writing, which I appreciate. Now you just have to use that enthusiasm to write the best you can! You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft What does it take to be able to join NASA and its group??? There are many requirements for someone to become an astronaut. To begin with, you have to have to have a master's degree (a higher level collage degree) in STEM." This means, you have to be very smart and intelligent to be able to work at NASA. To add on, you have to be experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." To clarify, you also have to be very experienced with flying an vehicle such as airplanes or jets. In final analysis, there are many requirements for someone to become an astronaut.

Corrections What does it take to be able to join NASA and its group???
****"'This is a pretty good introduction sentence! The only thing I changed here was the amount of question marks you used and I changed "its group" to "be an astronaut". I changed the question marks because, like I've said before, lots of question marks is appropriate when messaging someone you're close with, but not for a formal school assignment."'
What does it take to be able to join NASA and be an astronaut?


There are many requirements for someone to become an astronaut.
****"'I kept the idea of this sentence, but I reworded it little bit and added a little more to it to hook the reader and make them want to keep reading."'
Becoming an astronaut is no easy task, and there are many requirements you have to meet.


To begin with, you have to have to have a master's degree (a higher level collage degree) in STEM."
****"'It looks like you took part of a quote, but only put quotations at the end. If you're quoting something, it's important to put quotations at the beginning and the end of the part you're quoting. Since this quote was part of a longer quote, I included the rest as well in three more separate sentences. Also, the word is spelled "college", not "collage". A collage is kind of like a type of artwork, whereas college is higher education after high school."'
One of the first requirements is "a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." NASA also requires "experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." On top of that, the "Astronaut Candidates" "will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."


This means, you have to be very smart and intelligent to be able to work at NASA.
****"'Here, "smart" and "intelligent" mean also the same thing, and after reading the requirements about having a master's in STEM, the reader can probably assume that you need to be pretty smart to work at NASA. So, I took this sentence out."'


To add on, you have to be experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." To clarify, you also have to be very experienced with flying an vehicle such as airplanes or jets.
****"'It looks like you were using part of a quote again and only put quotations on the end. Watch that and make sure you're using quotation marks on both sides! Also, I used this quote above. When you're deciding between using "an" or "a" before a word, look to see if the word starts with a vowel or a consonant. If it starts with a vowel, you'll use "an" (an umbrella), and if it starts with a consonant, you'll use "a" (a book). So in this case, you would say "a vehicle". However, I wouldn't use the word "vehicle" here, because that word is generally used to describe something that moves on land, like a car or a truck. I took that part out."'


In final analysis, there are many requirements for someone to become an astronaut.
****"'This is true, but you could make this sentence just a little longer to make it sound more conclusive."'
While going to space might seem cool, becoming an astronaut takes a lot of hard work that only a few people are able to achieve.


Final Draft What does it take to be able to join NASA and be an astronaut? Becoming an astronaut is no easy task, and there are many requirements you have to meet. One of the first requirements is "a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." NASA also requires "experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." On top of that, the "Astronaut Candidates" "will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." While going to space might seem cool, becoming an astronaut takes a lot of hard work that only a few people are able to achieve.

Most of your mistakes are little spelling errors or things like leaving quotations marks off. As long as you read over your work after you finish it, I think you'll be able to clean it up before you submit it. I know you might not want to do that, but I think it'll really help. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

Is there a fight between the mayor and the government about the Corona Virus???    There are two opposing views in the article. To begin with, the first view is school should stay closed for the rest of the year because of the Corona Virus. The text states "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the corona virus, de Blasio said." This means the mayor doesn't want to make schools open for our safety. To add on, the second view is we should open schools again for our education. The text states "and hoping the education department will allow for a pass-fail grading system to take some pressure off,... w're dealing with an unprecedented situation that is all about drama and people are really, really,really suffering." To clarify the government wants to reopen schools again. In conclusion, there are two opposing views in the article.

Corrections Is there a fight between the mayor and the government about the Corona Virus???
****"'To start, instead of saying "the government", say "the governor", because he is the one who is disagreeing with the mayor. I also wouldn't call what's going on a fight, rather a disagreement between the two. Also, three question marks is okay for texting or messaging friends, but not so much for a formal writing assignment, so you would only put one here. However, I rewrote this sentence in order to add some more context to what's going on for the reader and open up what you're talking about in your paragraph."'
On Saturday, New York City's mayor, Bill de Blasio, announced that NYC schools will remain closed for the rest of the school year.

There are two opposing views in the article. 


****"'Because I already explained one view in the first sentence, I'm just going to add in the following sentence how the governor disagrees. That way, you aren't explicitly saying that there are two opposing views and the reader is able to come to that conclusion on their own when they read. I also included a quote from the article to add even more context."'
This announcement, however, was not taken well by New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo. Cuomo said that "the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year."


To begin with, the first view is school should stay closed for the rest of the year because of the Corona Virus.
****"'First, instead of "Corona Virus", it should be one word that isn't capitalized, so it would be "coronavirus". Second, I added a quote in here from the mayor to explain why closing schools for the rest of the year is because of the coronavirus."'
However, de Blasio said that keeping the schools closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating the coronavirus,".


The text states "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the corona virus, de Blasio said."
****"'Since I added this quote in the previous sentence, I took this sentence out."'


This means the mayor doesn't want to make schools open for our safety.
****"'It's safe to assume that at this point, the reader knows what the coronavirus is and can understand on their on that the mayor is making this decision for the safety of others. Because of this, I took this sentence out as well."'


To add on, the second view is we should open schools again for our education.
****"'Because I included how the governor feels about the mayor's announcement, the reader can assume that this is the second view, so I took this sentence out too."'


The text states "and hoping the education department will allow for a pass-fail grading system to take some pressure off,... w're dealing with an unprecedented situation that is all about drama and people are really, really,really suffering."
****"'For this sentence, I added who it was that said this quote and I also separated it up into two chunks so that I could elaborate on the first part of the quote for the reader. Also, instead of "drama", the word is "trauma". Make sure you write "we're" instead of "w're" as well. Also, make sure you're separating your commas from the following words (so "really, really" instead of "really,really")."'
Suzy Ort, the assistant principal at Park East High in Harlem, along with her team, are "hoping the education department will allow for a pass-fail grading system to take some pressure off," in order to keep the high school seniors engaged for the remainder of the school year. Ort says that they are "dealing with an unprecedented situation that is all about trauma and people are really, really, really suffering."


To clarify the government wants to reopen schools again.
****"'Based on the quote that you used, I wouldn't say that the government wants to reopen schools. The assistant principal whose quote you used was more focused on trying to keep students engaged while they're having to learn remotely. Instead, I rewrote it saying that it's a struggle for the government as well as educators."'
It's a tough situation that government officials and educators alike are struggling to deal with.


In conclusion, there are two opposing views in the article.
****"'After reading this paragraph, the reader knows that there are two opposing views. However, the point of the paragraph was not to say that there are two opposing views, but to say what those opposing views are. So instead, I rewrote this sentence briefly wrapping up the paragraph by mentioning de Blasio and Cuomo's disagreement again."'
De Blasio and Cuomo continue to disagree on the matter for now.

Final Draft On Saturday, New York City's mayor, Bill de Blasio, announced that NYC schools will remain closed for the rest of the school year. This announcement, however, was not taken well by New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo. Cuomo said that "the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year." However, de Blasio said that keeping the schools closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating the coronavirus,". Suzy Ort, the assistant principal at Park East High in Harlem, along with her team, are "hoping the education department will allow for a pass-fail grading system to take some pressure off," in order to keep the high school seniors engaged for the remainder of the school year. Ort says that they are "dealing with an unprecedented situation that is all about trauma and people are really, really, really suffering." It's a tough situation that government officials and educators alike are struggling to deal with. De Blasio and Cuomo continue to disagree on the matter for now.

For this paragraph, I can tell that you read the article, but I don't think you read closely. There were a few small errors that you could have avoided had you just paid closer attention to what you were reading and gone back over your paragraph once you typed it. Your introduction sentence and conclusion sentence were different, which is great! Just make sure that the introduction has better context and the conclusion is a relevant wrap up of what you talked about. If you read my comments and corrections, I think you can really improve! Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland for many reasons. To begin with, Maryland's Eastern shore is a great place for vegetation management and it is a good natural breeding habitat for the salamanders. The story states "Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders." This mean, the Eastern tiger salamanders like Maryland because of that. To add on, the estimated population of salamanders is very large. The story also states "How are Eastern tiger salamanders populations doing in Maryland?... population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders." To clarify, salamanders are probably commonly seen in Maryland near the Eastern shore. In conclusion, Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland for many reasons.


****"'Please Teno, start adding titles."'
The Comeback of the Eastern Tiger Salamander

Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland for many reasons.
****"'I edited this sentence to add just a tad bit more introduction."'
Eastern tiger salamanders have started reappearing in Maryland after almost going extinct in the 1990s.

To begin with, Maryland's Eastern shore is a great place for vegetation management and it is a good natural breeding habitat for the salamanders. The story states "Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders."
****"'This is one of those moments where you can go ahead and combine the two sentences to make one smooth sentence. That way, you're not being repetitive."'
One of the reasons for this comeback has to do with Maryland's Eastern Shore, "where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats" for these reappearing salamanders.


****"'I also went ahead and added some extra detail from the story, including a quote."'
DNR (Maryland's Department of Natural Resources) biologist Beth Schlimm says that tiger salamander eggs need "fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight". She also says that the depth of the water is very important. "Too shallow, they dry out; too deep, the sun won't get to the egg masses."


This mean, the Eastern tiger salamanders like Maryland because of that.
****"'I took this sentence out, but next time, you would say "This means" instead of "This mean" (but I'm sure that was just a typo). You also wouldn't put a comma in that sentence."'

To add on, the estimated population of salamanders is very large. The story also states "How are Eastern tiger salamanders populations doing in Maryland?... population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders."
****"'These are two sentences you can also combine to make a smoother sentence. Also, make sure when you're quoting individual people, you source them in your paragraph."'
The estimated population of salamanders is also very large now at "1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders," according to DNR biologist Scott A. Smith.

To clarify, salamanders are probably commonly seen in Maryland near the Eastern shore.
****"'The sentence before this one wasn't confusing, so you don't need to say "to clarify". You also don't need this sentence in general, so I took it out."'

In conclusion, Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland for many reasons.
****"'In the name "Eastern tiger salamanders", only "Eastern" is capitalized. You also need to remember to keep your conclusion sentence a little different from your introduction sentence."'
These are just a couple of the many reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are finally making a comeback.


****"'And remember your source!!"'
http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic


The Comeback of the Eastern Tiger Salamander Eastern tiger salamanders have started reappearing in Maryland after almost going extinct in the 1990s. One of the reasons for this comeback has to do with Maryland's Eastern Shore, "where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats" for these reappearing salamanders. DNR (Maryland's Department of Natural Resources) biologist Beth Schlimm says that tiger salamander eggs need "fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight". She also says that the depth of the water is very important. "Too shallow, they dry out; too deep, the sun won't get to the egg masses." The estimated population of salamanders is also very large now at "1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders," according to DNR biologist Scott A. Smith. These are just a couple of the many reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are finally making a comeback. http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic

Teno, I really think if you read my comments and suggestions you could really improve your writing. The only way we can ever improve at anything is if we listen to help and fix our mistakes in the future. Don't be afraid to ask whoever you live with for help and don't be afraid to email your teacher either! You're just making the same mistakes and I think if you just paid attention to what I was saying and changing, you could fix those mistakes and improve your writing. You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris



There are good and bad reasons for practicing social distancing. To start with, social distancing is good because if people don't they might get infected. So social distancing will help prevent the chance of someone having any disease such as the Corona Virus. The text states "people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that." This means, if we social distance we can prevent the Corona Virus. To add on, social distancing is bad because many kids are still very young and haven't even started to learn about the troubles in the world and now social distancing isn't going to do any good about that. The text states "social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can't stay home all the time... people have lives they need to continue to live." This shows, people can't just stay inside for the rest of their lives just because of this new disease! In conclusion, there are good and bad reasons for practicing social distancing.



****Again, Teno, you need to start adding titles.
The Pros and Cons of Social Distancing


There are good and bad reasons for practicing social distancing.
****"'Okay, let's try to start including some more introductory language in our opening sentences. Imagine you're telling this story to someone from Mars. They don't know what social distancing is, so you have to explain it to them first."'
Because of the recent outbreak of the coronavirus, people around the world are being urged to practice social distancing. The CDC says that social distancing includes things like "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance".

To start with, social distancing is good because if people don't they might get infected. So social distancing will help prevent the chance of someone having any disease such as the Corona Virus.
****"'In these two sentences, you say basically the same thing. Instead, just write one sentence. Also, "coronavirus" is one word and it is not capitalized."'
Social distancing is an effort that people can make to prevent the chances of contracting or spreading the coronavirus.

The text states "people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that." This means, if we social distance we can prevent the Corona Virus.
****"'I edited this part to give it a little smoother flow and to combine these two sentences into one. The first part that you quote says that social distancing limits the chances of spreading the virus, so you don't need to state it again in a separate sentence."'
The text mentions that "people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes," from even six feet apart, but social distancing limits the chances of this spread.

To add on, social distancing is bad because many kids are still very young and haven't even started to learn about the troubles in the world and now social distancing isn't going to do any good about that.
****"'I wasn't quite sure what you meant by this part. I didn't know if you meant that kids aren't able to go out and learn about the bad things in the world now or if you meant that kids don't understand why they need to stay home because of how they haven't learned "about the troubles in the world", so I just assumed you meant the second one. I edited it to make it a bit clearer, but I apologize if I misunderstood you."'
Unfortunately, social distancing can be difficult for many reasons, one being that many young kids don't understand why they are having to stay home all the time all of a sudden.

The text states "social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can't stay home all the time... people have lives they need to continue to live."
****"'So, in this quote, part of it was just from the text, but the second part after the ellipses (the ...) is an actual quote, so we can't just combine the two. Instead, we have to also quote the person who said this part."'
Denise Rousseau, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, says that "social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can't stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak." She goes on to say that "People have lives that they need to continue to live."

This shows, people can't just stay inside for the rest of their lives just because of this new disease!
****"'Again, in the sentence before this, the quote you used pretty much already says this, so you don't have to say it again. I took this sentence out."'

In conclusion, there are good and bad reasons for practicing social distancing.
****"'Again, it's good if your conclusion sentence is a bit different from your introduction sentence."'
Social distancing is very difficult and there are pros and cons, but it's important that we do the best we can to limit the spread of this virus.


****"'Remember your source!"'
http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic

The Pros and Cons of Social Distancing Because of the recent outbreak of the coronavirus, people around the world are being urged to practice social distancing. The CDC says that social distancing includes things like "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance". Social distancing is an effort that people can make to prevent the chances of contracting or spreading the coronavirus. The text mentions that "people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes," from even six feet apart, but social distancing limits the chances of this spread. Unfortunately, social distancing can be difficult for many reasons, one being that many young kids don't understand why they are having to stay home all the time all of a sudden. Denise Rousseau, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, says that "social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can't stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak." She goes on to say that "People have lives that they need to continue to live." Social distancing is very difficult and there are pros and cons, but it's important that we do the best we can to limit the spread of this virus. http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic

Teno, it would be really helpful to you and your writing if you read my comments, suggestions, and corrections. That is how you will learn from your mistakes and get better. I would really like to see you start adding titles, your source, and making changes based on what I edit on here. Edited by Lainey Morris


JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children. To begin with, it educated children. The text states "to keep children educated and entertained... including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series." This means, many kids will stay educated and will keep their minds fresh. To add on, the webpage also has fun games and activities! In the text it states "Other features of hub include articles, puzzles and videos." To clarify, kids will still have fun but also stay educated! In conclusion, JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.


Teno, you need to start adding titles.
Harry Potter at Home: J.K. Rowling's New Webpage for Kids


JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.
This sentence needs a couple more thins to make sure it's a good introduction. You also need to watch punctuation between initials (J.K.).
J.K. Rowling has launched a new webpage to help children while they're stuck at home during quarantine.

To begin with, it educated children.
First, the word "educated" is past tense, which would make the reader think that this website is old and you're writing about something from the past, so it's important that you're writing in the present tense so the reader knows you're talking about right now. Also, now is a good time to tell us the name of the website.
The website is called "Harry Potter at Home" and is helping educate kids while they can't be in school.

The text states "to keep children educated and entertained... including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series."
The segment of this quote that you used could be confusing for someone who didn't read the article, so putting "The text says J.K. Rowling has created this website to" in front of the quote gives better context and helps the reader understand a bit better. Great use of ellipses (the ...) in this quote!
The text says J.K. Rowling has created this website to "keep children educated and entertained...including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series."

This means, many kids will stay educated and will keep their minds fresh.
Instead of saying something like "this means", say something that gives your paragraph a better flow for the reader. The phrase "keep their minds fresh" is great!
With access to this website, many kids will be able to stay educated and keep their minds fresh.

To add on, the webpage also has fun games and activities! In the text it states "Other features of hub include articles, puzzles and videos."
Since you say the word "also" in this sentence, you don't need the phrase "to add on" since they both kind of mean the same thing. These two sentences can also be combined to make a smoother and better flow. I also took out the quote because you don't really need to quote a detail that's just about the articles, puzzles, and videos.
The webpage also has fun games and activities, like articles, puzzles, and videos.

To clarify, kids will still have fun but also stay educated!
The reader understands from your paragraph that they will have fun and still be educated, so you don't need to say "to clarify". Instead, say something like "with all of these resources," in its place.
With all of these resources, kids will still have fun but also stay educated!

In conclusion, JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.
This sentence is basically the same sentence you have as your introduction sentence, so we need to change it up a bit.
This website is a great contribution that J.K. Rowling believes will be helpful for children worldwide.


Remember to put your source!!
http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic


Harry Potter at Home: J.K. Rowling's New Webpage for Kids J.K. Rowling has launched a new webpage to help children while they're stuck at home during quarantine. The website is called "Harry Potter at Home" and is helping educate kids while they can't be in school. The text says J.K. Rowling has created this website to "keep children educated and entertained...including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series." With access to this website, many kids will be able to stay educated and keep their minds fresh. The webpage also has fun games and activities, like articles, puzzles, and videos. With all of these resources, kids will still have fun but also stay educated! This website is a great contribution that J.K. Rowling believes will be helpful for children worldwide. http://www.goodtoknow.com/Writing_Topic

Teno, I still don't think you're reading my comments. It's important you read these so that they can help you become a better writer, reader, and student! Please make sure you add a title and your source next time, and read my comments! Edited by Lainey Morris


Postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations. To start with, some of the athletes got headaches and heartaches because of this. The text states "It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community." This shows, many athletes are very streesed about the Olympics postponing. To add on, all the athletes hard work isn't worth it anymore. The text states "For the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to complete this summer." This means, that many athletes are very sad that they worked so hard for nothing. In conclusion, postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations.



I added a title again since you didn't have one - start adding titles!
The 2020 Olympics: Postponed

Postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations.
This is a good sentence that explains what your topic is about, but you still need some more introduction.
Athletes and fans across the world are upset after hearing that the 2020 Olympics will be postponed.

To start with, some of the athletes got headaches and heartaches because of this. The text states "It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community."
The second sentence here just repeats what you said in the first sentence. Instead, combine them into one sentence.
This sad event "figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community," says the text.

This shows, many athletes are very streesed about the Olympics postponing. To add on, all the athletes hard work isn't worth it anymore.
These are two more sentences that you can also combine. Also, watch your spelling: "streesed" is actually spelled "stressed".
Many athletes are very stressed about the Olympics being postponed and feel like their hard work isn't worth it anymore.

The text states "For the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to complete this summer." This means, that many athletes are very sad that they worked so hard for nothing.
You can also combine these two sentences.
11,000 athletes spent years training for the events this summer, but now they feel like they worked hard for nothing.

In conclusion, postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations.
This is a good wrap-up summary for your paragraph! I bet you can make it a bit better though!
The postponing of the 2020 Olympics is causing heartbreak for athletes and fans across the world.

The 2020 Olympics: Postponed Athletes and fans across the world are upset after hearing that the 2020 Olympics will be postponed. This sad event "figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community," says the text. Many athletes are very stressed about the Olympics being postponed and feel like their hard work isn't worth it anymore. 11,000 athletes spent years training for the events this summer, but now they feel like they worked hard for nothing. The postponing of the 2020 Olympics is causing heartbreak for athletes and fans across the world.

Teno, I feel like you're not reading my suggestions! For your next paragraph, please remember to add a title. I combined a few sentences in this paragraph, and here's why: sometimes two sentences might be a little awkward on their own, or maybe they say the same thing, so combining them creates a better flow for your paragraph. Also watch your spelling - sometimes reading over what you've written can help you catch mistakes you didn't notice before! Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris



I went ahead and added a title since you didn't have one again.
Creating the Best Environment for Online Learning

    There are many ways students can learn best while studying online. To begin with, kids can move anything that distracts them and makes them unfocused and not stay anywhere near a bed or sofa. The text states "Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it seperate from your bed or sofa." This means, if kids start doing this they can learn best online. To add on, instead of multi-tasking, kids can do task and jobs on at a time. The text states "You'll absorb more information and complete assignments with greater productivity and ease than if you were trying to do many things at once." To clarify, if kids started doing things one at a time, they can learn best online. In conclusion, there are many ways students can learn best while studying online.


There are many ways students can learn best while studying online. 


This is a good sentence to open up the general argument for your paragraph, but you still need an opening to explain why you're talking about how students can learn while studying online.
Studying online is a new challenge for lots of students, but there are many ways that students can learn while studying online.

To begin with, kids can move anything that distracts them and makes them unfocused and not stay anywhere near a bed or sofa.
"To begin with," isn't a bad phrase, but you can definitely use one that flows better, like "A good first step is". Instead of using a word like "unfocused" that sounds a bit more choppy, saying something like "take away their focus" also gives the sentence a better flow. I also went ahead and split this sentence in half so that there are two separate thoughts for distracting objects and keeping away from a bed or a sofa, and I also took out the quote since you already stated everything in your own words that the quote said.
A good first step is for students to move anything that might distract them or take away their focus. It's also helpful to make sure that they're not studying anywhere near a bed or a sofa if possible.

The text states "Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it seperate from your bed or sofa."
Again, I went ahead and removed this sentence/quote since you already mentioned these details.

This means, if kids start doing this they can learn best online.
We can assume that the reader understands that by taking these steps, students will have a better online learning experience, so there's no need to say, "This means," . Instead, use a transitional phrase like "after this" to guide the paragraph along and also elaborate the helpfulness of the steps you have listed.
After this, kids will find it to be a better learning environment for online classes.

To add on, instead of multi-tasking, kids can do task and jobs on at a time.
First, "multitasking" is just one word. You also don't need to say "task" and "jobs", just one of those is good. Instead of saying, "To add on,", which sounds choppy and doesn't flow well, use a phrase with better flow like "another way". That way your paragraph sounds more organic and not so robotic. I also went ahead and included the quote with this sentence instead of creating two separate sentences - this just creates a more natural flow.
Another way to create a better learning environment for students is by doing tasks one at a time, the text saying that, "You'll absorb more information and complete assignments with greater productivity and ease than if you were trying to do many things at once."

The text states "You'll absorb more information and complete assignments with greater productivity and ease than if you were trying to do many things at once."
Again, I combined this with the prior sentence.

To clarify, if kids started doing things one at a time, they can learn best online.
We can assume here again that the reader is realizing that this step will also help students with their online learning, so there's no need for an explicit phrase like "to clarify". Instead, elaborate on how tackling work this way will be even more useful for an online setting.
Tackling assignments one at a time like this instead of multitasking can be especially helpful for online learning.

In conclusion, there are many ways students can learn best while studying online.
Instead of using a phrase like "in conclusion" for your concluding sentence, create a sentence that gives a good sense of closure and ending to your paragraph - a wrap-up of your paragraph.
Students everywhere are finding online classes challenging, but there are many steps they can take to make sure they learn as much as they can.


Creating the Best Environment for Online Learning

Studying online is a new challenge for lots of students, but there are many ways that students can learn while studying online. A good first step is for students to move anything that might distract them or take away their focus. It's also helpful to make sure that they're not studying anywhere near a bed or a sofa if possible. After this, kids will find it to be a better learning environment for online classes. Another way to create a better learning environment for students is by doing tasks one at a time, the text saying that, "You'll absorb more information and complete assignments with greater productivity and ease than if you were trying to do many things at once." Tackling assignments one at a time like this instead of multitasking can be especially helpful for online learning. Students everywhere are finding online classes challenging, but there are many steps they can take to make sure they learn as much as they can.

- I can tell that you maybe didn't read all of my tips from last time, so be sure to read those! Instead of using terms like "to add on" and "to clarify", use descriptive words and phrases to help the reader along instead. For example, I edited your paper to say "Tackling assignments one at a time like this instead of multitasking..." after the quote from the text rather than saying "This means," and "To add on, instead of multi-tasking...". Writing like this gives the paragraph a better flow and makes it easier for the reader to form conclusions on their own. Also make sure you're watching your spelling ("seperate" is spelled "separate"), add your source, and add a title next time! You're doing great! Edited by Lainey Morris


Easy Steps to Avoiding COVID-19 - I went ahead and added a title for you since you didn't have one. In this case, a short and clear title works best.

We can do many things to prevent this infection. - This is a good sentence! However, without the title, the reader doesn't know what infection you're talking about. Add a short introduction to the sickness you're talking about first; COVID-19, a new respiratory virus that's spread across the world, is highly contagious; however, we can do many things to prevent infection.

To begin with, we can start washing our hands for 20sec long or at least how long the alphabet song is. - I edited this sentence to tie it back to the article by citing the CDC, World Health Organization, and AAP. I also edited this sentence so that the reference to the "Alphabet Song" was used only once; The CDC, World Heath Organization, AAP, and many others still champion hand-washing.

The text states "Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20seconds- about the length of the "Alphabet song." - I edited this sentence to summarize the text in different words instead of directly quoting it; also note that "Song" should be capitalized because it's in a song title; It is suggested that both students and staff wash their hands with soap and water for roughly 20 seconds - about the length of the "Alphabet Song".

This means, If more people start washing their hands with soap for at least 20seconds, they will be able to prevent the infection (virus) - I took this sentence out because we could infer from the rest of your paragraph that washing our hands this way will help prevent spread of the virus.

To add on, We can start to cough and sneeze into a tissue or the antecubital space (elbow pit). In the text it states "Coughing or sneezing into a tissue or the crook of an elbow can help reduce the spread of airborne." - I edited and combined these two sentences to create a better flow; Another easy step is aiming our coughs or sneezes into a tissue or the pit of our elbows.

To clarify, If people start to cough and sneeze into a tissue or the crook of an elbow, they will be able to prevent this infection(virus). - Instead of having "to clarify", I edited this sentence so that the reader knows they're getting clarification without being told by explaining why coughing and sneezing into the elbow pit/tissue is beneficial and brought down your explanation from the previous sentence; This is an easy and effective way to reduce the spread of airborne virus droplets.

- Then, I added one more sentence to elaborate on what to do after using a tissue; After a tissue is used, however, the CDC urges that the students immediately dispose of the tissue in a line trash bag, rather than place it in a pocket or a desk for later, and disinfect their hands.

In conclusion, we can do many things to prevent this infection. - I edited this sentence just to make it a little bit longer and add a better sense of closure; Though this virus is highly contagious, there are still many things that we can do to keep ourselves and the people around us healthy and safe.

- Don't forget to add your source!

Easy Steps to Avoiding COVID-19

COVID-19, a new respiratory virus that's spread across the world, is highly contagious; however, we can do many things to prevent infection. The CDC, World Health Organization, AAP, and many others still champion hand-washing. It is suggested that both students and staff wash their hands with soap and water for roughly 20 seconds - about the length of the "Alphabet Song". Another easy step is aiming our coughs or sneezes into a tissue or the pit of our elbows. This is an easy and effective way to reduce the spread of airborne virus droplets. After a tissue is used, however, the CDC urges that the students immediately dispose of the tissue in a lined trash bag, rather than place it in a pocket or a desk for later, and disinfect their hands. Though this virus is highly contagious, there are still many things that we can do to keep ourselves and the people around us healthy and safe.

- Overall, great start here! Just watch your repetition of details, fluidity, and grammar, and don't be afraid to elaborate! Edited by Lainey Morris