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Tenzin Gelek:
 
Tenzin Gelek:
                    Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance.  Next, he also gave them evidence.
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                  I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for things which weren't done by it.  Also because the Raven made it seem like a joke.
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                        In my opinion, I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for the things which weren't done by it. Another reason was that after the Raven finished taking credit for itself, the Raven made it it's responsibility as a joke by laughing at the Farmer. According to the text,"One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle." "What was your work?" asked the farmer. "Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home." "Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" It also states, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.""Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.""Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. "Certainly," said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Therefore, this is what I think the Farmer feels after what the Raven said.
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                  I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for the Farmer's hard work. I also think that the Raven tried to make taking the credit for the Farmer's hard work a joke. In conclusion, this is what I think the Farmer felt after what the crow said to him.
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Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance.  Next, he also gave them evidence.
 
                   Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. Another thing that the Monkey did was give the animals evidence. According to the story,"After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing." "I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me."  Another reason that proves that the Monkey was able to free himself was that he had given the other animals evidence that he didn't steal the bow and arrow. Also in the story it says,"Monkey's evidence was weak." Therefore, this is how the Monkey was able to free himself.
 
                   Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. Another thing that the Monkey did was give the animals evidence. According to the story,"After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing." "I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me."  Another reason that proves that the Monkey was able to free himself was that he had given the other animals evidence that he didn't steal the bow and arrow. Also in the story it says,"Monkey's evidence was weak." Therefore, this is how the Monkey was able to free himself.
 
                   The Monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. He gave them evidence. In short, This is how the Monkey freed himself.
 
                   The Monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. He gave them evidence. In short, This is how the Monkey freed himself.

Revision as of 20:36, 29 July 2020

Tenzin Gelek:

                 I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for things which weren't done by it.  Also because the Raven made it seem like a joke.
                        In my opinion, I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for the things which weren't done by it. Another reason was that after the Raven finished taking credit for itself, the Raven made it it's responsibility as a joke by laughing at the Farmer. According to the text,"One evening, as some cattle were wending their way home, a raven rode on the horns of a bull in the herd; and as he approached the cottage, cried to the farmer, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle." "What was your work?" asked the farmer. "Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home." "Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" It also states, "Friend, my work for the day is over; you may now take charge of your cattle.""Why," said the raven, "the arduous task of watching these cattle and bringing them home.""Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. "Certainly," said the raven, and flew away with a laugh. Therefore, this is what I think the Farmer feels after what the Raven said.
                  I think the Farmer feels irritated because the Raven was taking credit for the Farmer's hard work. I also think that the Raven tried to make taking the credit for the Farmer's hard work a joke. In conclusion, this is what I think the Farmer felt after what the crow said to him. 






Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance.  Next, he also gave them evidence.
                 Firstly, the monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. Another thing that the Monkey did was give the animals evidence. According to the story,"After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing." "I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me."  Another reason that proves that the Monkey was able to free himself was that he had given the other animals evidence that he didn't steal the bow and arrow. Also in the story it says,"Monkey's evidence was weak." Therefore, this is how the Monkey was able to free himself.
                 The Monkey was able to free himself by playing the fiddle to make everyone dance. He gave them evidence. In short, This is how the Monkey freed himself.

Original:

 
The lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake, they come out healed. This is because, the lake is visible to animals. The lake is hidden from hunters. The lake is enchanted because when animals that are wounded come in the lake, their wounds are mended. But when, the hunters come in the area, they see nothing but dried land. According to the story,"... It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed." So, when wounded animals are in the lake, their wounds are healed. Another reason that proves the lake is enchanted, is that the lake is undetectable to hunters. Also in the story,"...For this reason, the animals keep the lake invisible to the hunter." Therefore, the lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake they heal, and when hunters try to go to the lake, it becomes invisible or undetectable. In conclusion, the lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake, they become healed. Because of this, the lake is invisible to hunters.

Corrections:

      • The first noticeable correction to be made is with the formatting. When you start a new paragraph, you only need one indent. It's a simple mistake!

This is because, the lake is visible to animals. The lake is hidden from hunters.

      • "The animals are able to come out healed because the lake is visible to animals, but not to hunters.


Fully Edited Version:

   The lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake, they come out healed. This is because the lake is visible to animals. The lake is hidden from hunters. The lake is enchanted because when animals that are wounded come in the lake, their wounds are mended. But when the hunters come in the area, they see nothing but dried land. According to the story,"... It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed." So, when wounded animals are in the lake, their wounds are healed. Another reason that proves the lake is enchanted, is that the lake is undetectable to hunters. Also in the story,"...For this reason, the animals keep the lake invisible to the hunter." Therefore, the lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake they heal, and when hunters try to go to the lake, it becomes invisible or undetectable. In conclusion, the lake is enchanted because when wounded animals come in the lake, they become healed. Because of this, the lake is invisible to hunters.
      • Excellent job with this one! Keep writing!!





The boy was able to get out of the fish because he was hungry. Because of his hunger, he accidentally cut out a piece of the fish's liver mistaking it for dry meat. Then the fish vomited the boy out.

                   The boy was able to get out of the fish by cutting a piece of his liver, therefore, the fish vomited the boy out. According to the story,"... He became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fish's liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand. The operation sickened the fish's liver, and the fish vomited the boy." So, the boy got hungry, he cut a piece of the fish's liver, and the fish vomited him out. 

In conclusion, the boy was able to escape the fish because it vomited him out. The boy's hunger made him cut off a piece of the fish's liver, this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy.

Our thanksgiving is different from their way of thanksgiving. To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do. To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do. The first one is called the Maple Feast. It is held in the spring. According to the text it states," During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts. Also in the text it states,"he first is early in the spring, at maple-sugar time. As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called." This is how they are different. Our thanksgiving is different from their way of thanksgiving. To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do. In conclusion this how our way of thanksgiving is different from theirs.

Corrections:

Our thanksgiving is different from their way of thanksgiving. To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do.  
      • This sentence is a little vague. To whom are you referring when you say "their" thanksgiving? Change this to: "Our American thanksgiving is different from the characters from the story's Thanksgiving."
      • According to the text it states," During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts. Also in the text it states,"he first is early in the spring, at maple-sugar time. As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called." This is how they are different.
      • You did an excellent job at introducing the quotes. However, you have simple typos. Change: "According to the text it states..." to "According to the text..." In addition, change "Also in the text it states..." to "The text also states..."

This is how they are different.

      • This is slightly vague also. Try: "These are the ways our Thanksgivings are different."


Fully Edited Version:

Our American Thanksgiving is different from the characters from the story's Thanksgiving. To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do.  
      To begin with, they have more thanksgivings than we do. The first one is called the Maple Feast. It is held in the spring.  According to the text," During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts. The text also states,"he first is early in the spring, at maple-sugar time. As soon as the sap begins to flow, the Maple Feast is called." These are the ways our Thanksgivings are different. 


      • Great job with this one! Keep up the good work. Your errors were very simple- mostly formatting and typos!




The events that allowed the young man to think of a plan to capture the Cat King was that a few hours after he went to the chapel to sleep, he woke up to the sound of cats shrieking not to tell Schippeitaro something. According to the text in SCHIPPEITARO it states,'‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’' The next day, he reached a village, and heard a girl crying. He wanted to know what happened, so he asked the other men why she was crying, they told him that the Spirit of the Mountain would take her away because every year the spirit would take women and that she would be taken away in a casket. Also in the text it states,"But the men whom he asked only shook their heads and told him it was not a matter in which he could give any help, for all this sorrow was caused by the Spirit of the Mountain, to whom every year they were bound to furnish a maiden to be a servant. ‘Tomorrow night,’ said they, ‘the horrible creature will come for her, and the cries you have heard were uttered by the girl before you, upon whom the lot has fallen.’ 'And when the young man asked if the girl was carried off straight from her home, they answered no, but that a large cask was set in the forest chapel, and into this, she was fastened.' He then asked who Schippeitaro was and they all laughed and said that Schippeitaro was the dog of their village price's overseer So then he begged for the dog for one night, then finally after a long time he said yes. Then he swiftly ran to the hut where the woman's parents lived and asked them to put her safely into a closet, he put the dog in the casket. Then, the Cat King came and took the casket, opened it up and found the dog. In short, these are the events that allowed the young man to capture the Cat King.

Corrections:


 ----

Original Version:

The events that allowed the young man to think of a plan to capture the Cat King was that a few hours after he went to the chapel to sleep, he woke up to the sound of cats shrieking not to tell Schippeitaro something. According to the text in SCHIPPEITARO it states,'‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’' The next day, he reached a village, and heard a girl crying. He wanted to know what happened, so he asked the other men why she was crying, they told him that the Spirit of the Mountain would take her away because every year the spirit would take women and that she would be taken away in a casket. Also in the text it states,"But the men whom he asked only shook their heads and told him it was not a matter in which he could give any help, for all this sorrow was caused by the Spirit of the Mountain, to whom every year they were bound to furnish a maiden to be a servant. ‘Tomorrow night,’ said they, ‘the horrible creature will come for her, and the cries you have heard were uttered by the girl before you, upon whom the lot has fallen.’ 'And when the young man asked if the girl was carried off straight from her home, they answered no, but that a large cask was set in the forest chapel, and into this, she was fastened.' He then asked who Schippeitaro was and they all laughed and said that Schippeitaro was the dog of their village price's overseer So then he begged for the dog for one night, then finally after a long time he said yes. Then he swiftly ran to the hut where the woman's parents lived and asked them to put her safely into a closet, he put the dog in the casket. Then, the Cat King came and took the casket, opened it up and found the dog. In short, these are the events that allowed the young man to capture the Cat King.

Corrections:

The young man planned to capture the Cat King when he woke up to the sound of cats shrieking and to forgo telling Schippeitaro something.

      • I edited this sentence, as before it was a bit hard to follow due to the length.


According to the text in Schippeitaro, '‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’'

      • You don’t need to capitalize all the letters in the title of the text. I also deleted “it states” as it felt redundant after you already stated, “according to the text.” I also deleted the sentence following this one, as it didn’t seem relevant to your answer.


Also in the text, it states, “he begged for the dog for one night, then finally after a long time he said yes. Then he swiftly ran to the hut where the woman's parents lived and asked them to put her safely into a closet, he put the dog in the casket. Then, the Cat King came and took the casket, opened it up and found the dog.”

      • The next quotation was too long, and you didn’t use a closing quotation mark to show where it ended. I edited it down so it would be less wordy and more concise.


In short, these are the events that allowed the young man to capture the Cat King.

      • Good!


Final Version:

The young man planned to capture the Cat King when he woke up to the sound of cats shrieking and to forgo telling Schippeitaro something. According to the text in Schippeitaro, '‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’' Also in the text, it states, “he begged for the dog for one night, then finally after a long time he said yes. Then he swiftly ran to the hut where the woman's parents lived and asked them to put her safely into a closet, he put the dog in the casket. Then, the Cat King came and took the casket, opened it up and found the dog.” In short, these are the events that allowed the young man to capture the Cat King.

Edited by Hayley Taylor





  In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, the bangs on the door were for all of the sisters. The text states,"Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day," they all cried in chorus." Also in the text it states, "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?" In addition,  the bangs were for them because their mother with them.

Original Version:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, the bangs on the door were for all of the sisters. The text states,"Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day," they all cried in chorus." Also in the text it states, "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?" In addition, the bangs were for them because their mother with them.

Corrections:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, the knocks on the door were for all of the sisters.

      • I changed bangs to knocks as the word choice fit better in the sentence


The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day, they all cried in chorus."

      • Good!


Also in the text, it states, "Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?"

      • I deleted the first few sentences, as the quotation was a bit too long. The evidence you need is also given in the other sentences, so you don’t need the first few that repeat a similar message to the first piece of evidence you gave. Lastly, I added a comma where one was missing.


In conclusion, the knocks were for all of them because of their mother.

      • I replaced addition with conclusion, as you are not adding on another point, you are just restating your points for the conclusion. I also changed the wording to help the grammar of the sentence improve.


Good work! When selecting evidence, make sure to use only the sentences that are pertinent to your answer.

Final Version:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, the knocks on the door were for all of the sisters. The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day, they all cried in chorus." Also in the text, it states, "Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. My girls, will you give them your breakfast as a Christmas present?" In conclusion, the knocks were for all of them because of their mother.



  In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Jo said that her life was hard because she said that she had to be quiet with a "nervous, fussy old lady" who she also said would make Jo walk in a briskly way until she was exhausted. From the text it states, ""You don't have half such a hard time as I do," said Jo. "How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?" Jo wasn't the only one who stated that it was difficult for them. Amy stated that she went to a school in which if you weren't knowledgable about something you would get teased, if you weren't wealthy the other kids would point that out. She also said they would laugh at her dresses. Also in the text it states,"I don't believe any of you suffer as I do," cried Amy, "for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich."To add on, both of them stated that they had a difficult time being poor. In short, this is my answer on who said that his/her life was hard and why.

Original Version:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Jo said that her life was hard because she said that she had to be quiet with a "nervous, fussy old lady" who she also said would make Jo walk in a briskly way until she was exhausted. From the text it states, ""You don't have half such a hard time as I do," said Jo. "How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?" Jo wasn't the only one who stated that it was difficult for them. Amy stated that she went to a school in which if you weren't knowledgable about something you would get teased, if you weren't wealthy the other kids would point that out. She also said they would laugh at her dresses. Also in the text it states,"I don't believe any of you suffer as I do," cried Amy, "for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich."To add on, both of them stated that they had a difficult time being poor. In short, this is my answer on who said that his/her life was hard and why.

Corrections:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Jo said that her life was hard because the "nervous, fussy old lady" would make her be quiet and walk until exhaustion.

      • I edited the sentence, as it was a run-on sentence originally. This way, it sounds less wordy and gets the same point across.


The text states, "‘You don't have half such a hard time as I do,’ said Jo. ‘How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?’”

      • I edited the introductory phrase before the quote so the grammar would be correct. I added a comma as well to help the flow of the sentence. I also put single quotation marks around the dialogue.


Amy also stated that at her school, you’d get teased for the way you dressed, for not being wealthy, or for not being knowledgeable.

      • I deleted the proceeding sentence, as by saying “Amy also stated” that implies that Jo wasn’t the only one who found their life difficult. I also reworded the sentence to make it flow better. I also added the detail about laughing at her dress into this one so you would have fewer sentences in your paragraph.


Also, the text states “‘I don't believe any of you suffer as I do,’ cried Amy, ‘for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich.’”

      • I edited the first phrase to correct the grammar, I also corrected punctuation errors in the quotation.


In addition, both characters stated that they had a difficult time being poor.

      • “In addition,” is a better-sounding phrase for this sentence. Also, I added the word characters to make the sentence shorter.


In short, this is why their life was hard.

      • I took out the personal pronouns you used to make it sound more objective.


Final Version:

In the excerpt of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Jo said that her life was hard because the "nervous, fussy old lady" would make her be quiet and walk until exhaustion. The text states, "‘You don't have half such a hard time as I do,’ said Jo. ‘How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?’” Amy also stated that at her school, you’d get teased for the way you dressed, for not being wealthy, or for not being knowledgeable. Also, the text states “‘I don't believe any of you suffer as I do,’ cried Amy, ‘for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich.’” In addition, both characters stated that they had a difficult time being poor. In short, this is why their life was hard.

Great work! I would suggest working on your sentence structure so they are less wordy, making it easier to follow.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



I  would describe Demi as a nice person. I say this because it says,"Demi was one of the children who show plainly the affect of love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together". It also states," A quiet, quant boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see love ,intelligence, or beauty in other children." This shows that Demi is a humble person. It also shows that he might be unaware of his nice ness. It proves that he is humble because he doesn't think of himself as good. In short, This is how I would describe Demi. 



Original Version:

I would describe Demi as a nice person. I say this because it says,"Demi was one of the children who show plainly the affect of love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together". It also states," A quiet, quant boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see love ,intelligence, or beauty in other children." This shows that Demi is a humble person. It also shows that he might be unaware of his nice ness. It proves that he is humble because he doesn't think of himself as good. In short, This is how I would describe Demi.

Corrections:

Demi is a nice person.

      • I took out the use of “I” so the point of view would be in the third person to make the writing more objective.

According to the text, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together.”

      • I edited the transition phrase to the quote so it would better integrate it into the sentence. Also, it should be “effect” instead of “affect.” The period should go inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. This is because “effect” is used to reference the change that is the result of the action or a cause, “affect” is used to describe an act on something or influence.

It also states, "A quiet, quant boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see love, intelligence, or beauty in other children."

      • Good! I just corrected the spacing issues in the paragraph.

These two pieces of evidence from the text show that Demi is a humble person and is unaware of his niceness.

      • The three sentences after the quotation were a bit redundant, so I turned it into one sentence to make it less repetitive.

In short, Demi can be described as nice.

      • I changed the capitalization error, the first letter of “this” should be in the lower case as it is not the first word in the sentence. I also eliminated the use of “I.”

Final Version:

Demi is a nice person. According to the text, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together.” It also states, "A quiet, quant boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see love, intelligence, or beauty in other children." These two pieces of evidence from the text show that Demi is a humble person and is unaware of his niceness. In short, Demi can be described as nice.

Great work! You did a good job providing quotes to explain your answer. Make sure to check the grammar of your sentences.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



I think she says this because maybe he said fiddle instead of fiddler. I think this because a fiddle is the violin. A fiddler is a person who plays it. Another reason why I think she said this was because he might not usually say that. He might usually say something entirely different. In short this is why I think she says this.


Original Version:

I think she says this because maybe he said fiddle instead of fiddler. I think this because a fiddle is the violin. A fiddler is a person who plays it. Another reason why I think she said this was because he might not usually say that. He might usually say something entirely different. In short this is why I think she says this.

Corrections:

I think when Mrs. Bhaer said, “Teddy is right: there's something in the child” she was talking about the fiddle instead of the fiddler.

      • I reworded the sentence as the meaning of it was confusing. I also added more context to the sentence, so the reader would know what statement and character you are talking about.


This is because a fiddle is a violin and a fiddler is a person who plays it.

      • I turned the next two sentences into one sentence, as I thought they were both connected in purpose.


Another reason why I think she said this was because he might usually say something different.

      • I also combined the next two sentences, as they sounded a bit redundant next to one another.


In short, this is why I think she says there is something in him.

      • I added a comma where one was missing and reworded the end of the sentence to improve the grammar.


Great work! Try adding quotations from the text as evidence of your answer to help prove your point to the reader.

Final Version:

I think when Mrs. Bhaer said, “Teddy is right: there's something in the child” she was talking about the fiddle instead of the fiddler. This because a fiddle is a violin and a fiddler is a person who plays it. Another reason why I think she said this was because he might usually say something different. In short, this is why I think she says there is something in him.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


            Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. I know this because in the text it states,"There is a place already for thee, my son; sit down and dry thy wet feet at once." Also in the text it states," And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?" She is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick. She also let the boy sit down. In short, this is how Mrs. Bhaer is  thoughtful. 

Original Version:

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. I know this because in the text it states,"There is a place already for thee, my son; sit down and dry thy wet feet at once." Also in the text, it states," And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?" She is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick. She also let the boy sit down. In short, this is how Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

Corrections:

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person.

      • Good!


The text states, "There is a place already for thee, my son; sit down and dry thy wet feet at once."

      • I deleted the use of “I” so it would be in the third person point of view. This helps your writing sound more objective. I also reworded the introductory clause before the quote because it was missing a comma, and was also a bit too wordy.


Also in the text, it states, “And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?”

      • The beginning of the sentence was missing a comma, so I added one.


This conveys that she is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick.

      • I reworded the beginning of the sentence, as you state that she is a thoughtful person without connecting it to the quotation. I also deleted the following sentence, as it wasn’t necessary to explain your answer. You already described her thoughtfulness enough in the previous sentences.


In short, this is how Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

      • Good conclusion!


Final Version:

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. The text it states, "There is a place already for thee, my son; sit down and dry thy wet feet at once." Also in the text, it states, “And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?” This conveys that she is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick. In short, this is how Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

Edited Hayley Taylor



The story is very old-fashioned. It is also very interesting. I can tell that this is old-fashioned because of the way the characters interact with each other. According to the text it states, "little chap". It also states, "hullo. In short this is my description of the excerpt.


Original Version:

 The story is very old-fashioned. It is also very interesting. I can tell that this is old-fashioned because of the way the characters interact with each other. According to the text it states, "little chap". It also states, "hullo. In short this is my description of the excerpt.

Corrections:

The story is very old-fashioned and interesting.

      • I combined the first two sentences into one, so the flow of the paragraph would improve. Otherwise, the repetition in sentence structure and word choice would be repetitive.


The story is old-fashioned because of the way the characters interact with each other.

      • I deleted the use of “I” so the sentence would be in the third-person perspective.


According to the text, the characters use phrases like "little chap.”


      • I deleted “it states” because you use that in the next sentence. I also added “use phrases like” so the grammar would be correct and the quote would be properly integrated into the sentence.


It also states, "hullo.”

      • The period and quotation mark was missing at the end of the sentence inside the quotation.


In short, this is the description of the excerpt from the text.

      • I deleted the pronoun of “my” so the sentence would be written in the third person. I also added a comma where one was missing. I also added “from the text” to add more context to the sentence.


Final Version:

The story is very old-fashioned and interesting. The story is old-fashioned because of the way the characters interact with each other. According to the text, the characters use phrases like "little chap.” It also states, "hullo.” In short, this is the description of the excerpt from the text.

Good work! Remember to proofread your writing to correct grammar mistakes.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




    Ali Baba had to hide his findings. One reason why was because he didn't want the robbers find out. That is why he kept it secret.It says that he wanted to keep it secret. Another reason he had to hide his findings was so they wouldn't get stolen. Lastly, he had to hide it or else he could get killed for it. In short, this is why he had to hide his findings.

Original Version:

Ali Baba had to hide his findings. One reason why was because he didn't want the robbers find out. That is why he kept it secret.It says that he wanted to keep it secret. Another reason he had to hide his findings was so they wouldn't get stolen. Lastly, he had to hide it or else he could get killed for it. In short, this is why he had to hide his findings.

Corrections:

Ali Baba had to hide his findings.

      • Good!


One reason why was because he didn't want the robbers to discover them.

      • I added a variety of word choices at the end of the sentence so it would sound less repetitive.


He wished to keep them a secret.

      • I deleted “that is why” as it is unnecessary y in the sentence, as it is implied you are describing the reason why he kept it a secret. Also, I deleted the following sentence as it said the same thing as this one. I also changed “it” to “them.”


Another reason he had to hide his findings was so they wouldn't get stolen.

      • Good!


Lastly, he had to hide his findings, or else he could get killed.

      • I changed “it” to “his findings,” to be more specific. I added a comma where one was missing as well. I also deleted “for it” at the end as it sounded repetitive.


In short, this is why Ali Baba had to hide his findings.

      • I added his name so the reader would know who you are talking about.


Great work! Just make sure to check your paragraph for redundancies.

Final Version:

Ali Baba had to hide his findings. One reason why was because he didn't want the robbers to discover them. He wished to keep them a secret. Another reason he had to hide his findings was so they wouldn't get stolen. Lastly, he had to hide his findings, or else he could get killed. In short, this is why Ali Baba had to hide his findings.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


         Original: Gerda is the protagonist in the story.  I think this because almost every paragraph is about Gerda. In the text it keeps talking about Gerda. Also in the text it talks about the Snow Queen so she might be the antagonist. I think this because Gerda is the protagonist (main character) and the enemy of the protagonist is the antagonist, which would be the Snow Queen. I think this because she is not a good character and is not liked by Gerda. In short, this is who I think the protagonist is and who I think the antagonist is.

Edits:

Gerda is the protagonist in the story. I think this because almost every paragraph is about Gerda. In the text it keeps talking about Gerda.

      • Edited for fluidity: Gerda is the protagonist in this story due to almost every single paragraph is about her.


Good! The last sentence can be deleted because you already explained that the text talks about Gerda.


Also in the text it talks about the Snow Queen so she might be the antagonist.

      • Edited for punctuation: Also in the text, it talks about the Snow Queen so she might be the antagonist.


Great job. Make sure to add a comma after 'text'


I think this because Gerda is the protagonist (main character) and the enemy of the protagonist is the antagonist, which would be the Snow Queen. I think this because she is not a good character and is not liked by Gerda.

      • Edited for clarity: Gerda is the protagonist and the enemy of Gerda is the antagonist which would be the Snow Queen because she is not a good character and not liked by Gerda.


Take out 'I think' at the beginning of the sentence.

In short, this is who I think the protagonist is and who I think the antagonist is.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, Gerda is the protagonist while the Snow Queen is the antagonist.


Final Edit:

Gerda is the protagonist in this story due to almost every single paragraph is about her. Also in the text, it talks about the Snow Queen so she might be the antagonist. Gerda is the protagonist and the enemy of Gerda is the antagonist which would be the Snow Queen because she is not a good character and not liked by Gerda. In conclusion, Gerda is the protagonist while the Snow Queen is the antagonist.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware








Original Version:

Gerda is the protagonist in the story. I think this because almost every paragraph is about Gerda. In the text it keeps talking about Gerda. Also in the text it talks about the Snow Queen so she might be the antagonist. I think this because Gerda is the protagonist (main character) and the enemy of the protagonist is the antagonist, which would be the Snow Queen. I think this because she is not a good character and is not liked by Gerda. In short, this is who I think the protagonist is and who I think the antagonist is.

Corrections:

Gerda is the protagonist of the story.

      • Good!



This is because almost every paragraph in the story is about Gerda.

      • I deleted “I” in the sentence to change the point of view to be in the third person. This point of view makes writing sound more professional.


      • I also deleted the following sentence “in the text it keeps talking about Gerda” as it sounded repetitive, as you said something similar in the sentence before it.


In the text, it talks about the Snow Queen a lot, which means that she might be the antagonist.

      • The sentence was missing punctuation, so I added commas and reworded the sentence to fix the grammar.


Gerda is the protagonist (the main character) and the enemy of Gerda is the antagonist, which is the Snow Queen.

      • This sentence was missing commas, so I added some so it wouldn’t be a run-on sentence. I also deleted the use of the pronoun “I” so the paragraph would be in the third person point of view. I also changed the second use of the word protagonist to Gerda so it would sound less repetitive, as you have used the word protagonist many times.


The Snow Queen is the antagonist, as she is not a good character and is disliked by Gerda.

      • I rephrased the sentence to correct the grammar as well as make the point of view be in the third person.


In short, the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.

      • Good! I Just reworded the sentence so it would be in the third person, and identified the names of each character so it was clear to the reader in the conclusion.


Great work! You explained your answer well. Just make sure to avoid repetition, and use commas when there is a natural break in the sentence.

Final Version:

Gerda is the protagonist of the story. This is because almost every paragraph in the story is about Gerda. In the text, it talks about the Snow Queen a lot, which means that she might be the antagonist. Gerda is the protagonist (the main character) and the enemy of Gerda is the antagonist, which is the Snow Queen. The Snow Queen is the antagonist, as she is not a good character and is disliked by Gerda. In short, the protagonist is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




Company may be a business. I think this because it could be. Also, company might mean business. It could also be a large group of people. According to the text it states, "What company? Captain Bensons of course. No. I want to join. You" screamed Tom. It also could be a gang. Also in the text it states,"You and I used to be friends.-that is if you're not a traitor. This what company might mean.


Original Version:

Company may be a business. I think this because it could be. Also, company might mean business. It could also be a large group of people. According to the text it states, "What company? Captain Bensons of course. No. I want to join. You" screamed Tom. It also could be a gang. Also in the text it states, "You and I used to be friends.-that is if you're not a traitor. This what company might mean.

Corrections:

One thing that “company” means in this story is a business.

      • I reworded the sentence so it more clearly matched the question you are answering.


It could also signify a large group of people.

      • I deleted the two sentences before this one, as it was just restating what the first sentence conveyed.


The text states, “‘What company?’ ‘Captain Bensons of course.’ ‘No. I want to join.’ ‘You!’ screamed Tom.”

      • “According to the text it states” sounded a bit clunky, so I made it shorter so it would flow into the quote better. Also, you need to end the quote with a quotation mark and use single quotation marks when they are inside quotations.


A company could also be defined as a gang.

      • I added “a company” so it would be clear what you are talking about in the sentence. I also reworded it to improve the grammar.


Also, the text states “You and I used to be friends—that is if you're not a traitor.”

      • I again edited the introductory clause so it would improve the flow of the sentence.


In conclusion, a company might mean a business or a group of people.

      • I edited the sentence so it would more directly summarize your points, so the reader is reminded of what they are. I also added a transition phrase in the conclusion so it would help strengthen the sentence.


Great work! Make sure to proofread the paragraph to correct punctuation and grammar.

Final Version:

One thing that “company” means in this story is a business. It could also signify a large group of people. The text states, “‘What company?’ ‘Captain Bensons of course.’ ‘No. I want to join.’ ‘You!’ screamed Tom.” A company could also be defined as a gang. Also, the text states “You and I used to be friends—that is if you're not a traitor.” In conclusion, a company might mean a business or a group of people.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



To begin with, there are 3 boys in the story. I will be writing about 2 boys. The first boy made a lump of clay shaped like Jason, who went to look for the Golden Fleece and found it. Another boy was the ugly duckling of the family. According to the text it states that he was ugly. Also in the text it states the first boy made Jason out of clay. In short, these are the 2 boys.


Original Version:

To begin with, there are 3 boys in the story. I will be writing about 2 boys. The first boy made a lump of clay shaped like Jason, who went to look for the Golden Fleece and found it. Another boy was the ugly duckling of the family. According to the text it states that he was ugly. Also in the text it states the first boy made Jason out of clay. In short, these are the 2 boys.

Corrections:

To begin with, there are three boys in the story and I will write about two.

      • Numbers should be written out instead of written as numerals. I also combined the first two sentences as I thought they were connected.


The first boy made a lump of clay shaped like Jason, who went to look for the Golden Fleece and found it.

      • Good!


Another boy in the story was described as ugly.

      • I added “in the story” to make the context clear. I also made the “ugly duckling” phrase out so it doesn’t sound redundant in the following quote I included.


According to the text, “he was the 'ugly duck' of the family.”

      • I added a quotation to strengthen the evidence.


      • The next sentence you already stated in the second sentence, so I deleted it.


In conclusion, these are the two boys in the story.

      • I edited the sentence to correct the grammar.


Good job! Make sure to check your paragraph for repetition.

Final Version:

To begin with, there are three boys in the story and I will write about two. The first boy made a lump of clay shaped like Jason, who went to look for the Golden Fleece and found it. Another boy in the story was described as ugly. According to the text, “he was the 'ugly duck' of the family.” In conclusion, these are the two boys in the story.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



Original: To begin with, the princesses were different from each other. According to the text it states,"Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. Also in the text it states,"One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." I chose this quote because it helps you understand how they are different. For example, if I said that they were similar in many ways. I would have to prove it. In short, this is how they are different.

Edits:

      • To begin with, the princesses were different from each other.


Edited for clarity: To begin with, the princesses were a lot different from each other.
Changed the wording a little bit. Good first sentence!

      • According to the text it states,"Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked.


Edited for fluidity: According to the text it states, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked."
Make sure you add a space after you start the quoted sentence.

      • Also in the text it states,"One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams."


Edited for clarity: The text also states, "One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams."
Took out the duplication of the word 'have'

      • I chose this quote because it helps you understand how they are different. For example, if I said that they were similar in many ways. I would have to prove it. In short, this is how they are different.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this is how the princesses differ from each other.


Fina Edit: To begin with, the princesses were a lot different from each other. According to the text it states, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked." The text also states, "One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." In conclusion, this is how the princesses differ from each other.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original Version:

To begin with, the princesses were different from each other. According to the text it states,"Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. Also in the text it states,"One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." I chose this quote because it helps you understand how they are different. For example, if I said that they were similar in many ways. I would have to prove it. In short, this is how they are different.

Corrections:

To begin with, the princesses are different from each other.

      • I corrected the spelling of “princesses” and changed the verb to the present tense.


According to the text, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked.”

      • “According to the text it states” has two different clauses, making the introduction to the quote a bit repetitive. I used only one clause to fix this. Also, make sure to end quotes with a quotation mark, after the period.


The text also states, "One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams."

      • Same problem here, make sure to make the introductory clause before the quote concise so it flows better.


This evidence helps show how the princesses are different from one another. They each plot their gardens differently, planting the flowers in a variety of shapes and colors.

      • The next three sentences didn’t make much sense or help explain why the evidence you provided is important. Instead of just stating that they are different and that you would do the same thing if they were similar, go into detail on why those differences are important. I edited these three sentences into two as well.


In short, the text shows how they are unlike by the way their gardens differ from one another.

      • I edited this sentence to add a variety of word choices.


Good job! Proofread your work for run-on sentences, and try to avoid repetition by using a variety of words in your paragraph.

Final Version:

To begin with, the princesses are different from each other. According to the text, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked.” The text also states, "One made her flower bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it would be nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." This evidence helps show how the princesses are different from one another. They each plot their gardens differently, planting the flowers in a variety of shapes and colors. In short, the text shows how they are unlike by the way their gardens differ from one another.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



              To begin with, the Boston Dynamics' robot is assisting by helping minimize hospital's staff exposure. According to the text it states,Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19, the company writes in a blog post. The robots are helping take over for the staff members, because the robots have iPads for faces, so they can see and control what the robot does. Also in the text it states,Equipped with an iPad face, and a two way radio that allows for a real time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them. It's also helped a lot. People believe it can be even more than that. These are some examples of how the robot is assisting  to help hospitals during COVID-19. 

Original Version:

To begin with, the Boston Dynamics' robot is assisting by helping minimize hospital's staff exposure. According to the text it states,Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19, the company writes in a blog post. The robots are helping take over for the staff members, because the robots have iPads for faces, so they can see and control what the robot does. Also in the text it states,Equipped with an iPad face, and a two way radio that allows for a real time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them. It's also helped a lot. People believe it can be even more than that. These are some examples of how the robot is assisting to help hospitals during COVID-19.

Corrections:

To begin with, the Boston Dynamics' robot is assisting by helping minimize the hospital's staff exposure to the virus.

      • Good! I just added “to the virus” to describe what they were being exposed to.


According to the text, “Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19.”

      • This is a direct quote, so you need to use quotation marks. Otherwise, it could be mistaken for plagiarism. Also, the introductory phrase was a bit too long, so I shortened it. I also deleted the words about the blog post, as it is not necessary.


The robots are also helping by taking over for staff members. Because the robots have iPads for faces, the hospital workers can see and control what the robot does.

      • I split up this into separate sentences and edited the grammar.


The text also states that the robot is “equipped with an iPad face, and a two way radio that allows for a real time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them.”

      • Same problem with this quote. I edited the introductory sentence and added quotation marks around the quote. I also took out two of the sentences, as they sounded a bit redundant and unnecessary.


These are some examples of how the robot is assisting hospitals during COVID-19.

      • “Assisting to help” is repetitive, you only need one or the other.


Great work! Remember to use quotation marks.

Final Version:

To begin with, the Boston Dynamics' robot is assisting by helping minimize the hospital's staff exposure to the virus. According to the text, “Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19.” The robots are also helping by taking over for staff members. Because the robots have iPads for faces, the hospital workers can see and control what the robot does. The text also states that the robot is “equipped with an iPad face, and a two way radio that allows for a real time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them.” These are some examples of how the robot is assisting hospitals during COVID-19.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


               To begin with, there are many ways listed in the text, but two ways specifically stood out. One way Earth day will be celebrated is, in California, people will sing an Earth Day song of their choice and post a short video of themselves on twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis.  Another way is that educators are hosting virtual events,  they are also organizing tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change. According to the text it states,"In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with The Earth Day Sing Out. Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." Also in the text it states,"Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change. In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated but, two ways specifically stood out.

Original Version:

To begin with, there are many ways listed in the text, but two ways specifically stood out. One way Earth day will be celebrated is, in California, people will sing an Earth Day song of their choice and post a short video of themselves on twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis. Another way is that educators are hosting virtual events, they are also organizing tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change. According to the text it states,"In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with The Earth Day Sing Out. Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." Also in the text it states,"Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change. In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated but, two ways specifically stood out.

Corrections:

There are many ways that Earth Day will be celebrated, but two ways specifically stood out.

      • Many ways what? This wasn’t clear, so I added more specificity.


One way Earth day will be celebrated is by people in California singing an Earth Day song of their choice. They’ll post a short video of themselves on Twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis.

      • This was a run-on sentence. I rephrased it and split it into two sentences to help the flow of the sentence.


Educators are celebrating in another way. They will be hosting virtual events and tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change.

      • I edited this sentence for grammar and rephrased it to help it sound less clunky.


According to the text, "In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with ‘The Earth Day Sing Out.’ Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020."

      • You used to introductory phrases, so I deleted one to make it sound less repetitive. Also, when you quote something inside a quote, use single quotes around those words. Also, consider shortening this quotation as it is quite long.


Also, the text states that “Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change."

      • I edited the introduction to the quote to fix the grammar and make it less repetitive.


In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated, but these two ways specifically stood out.

      • The comma needs to come before the word “but.”


Good work! Make sure to be clear in your sentences, so the reader understands what you are referring to in different instances.

Final Version:

There are many ways that Earth Day will be celebrated, but two ways specifically stood out. One way Earth day will be celebrated is by people in California singing an Earth Day song of their choice. They’ll post a short video of themselves on Twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis. Educators are celebrating in another way. They will be hosting virtual events and tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change. According to the text, “In California’s Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with ‘The Earth Day Sing Out.’ Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020.” Also, the text states that “Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change.” In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated, but these two ways specifically stood out.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


      There are many events listed. I am writing about 2 new events. One new event is a Tokyo university has used robots for students to go to graduation while still at home. Another event is that they used Zoom for a virtual graduation. According to the text it states, Now, in what hailed as an Industry first", a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home. Also in the text it states,"The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.

Original Version:

There are many events listed. I am writing about 2 new events. One new event is a Tokyo university has used robots for students to go to graduation while still at home. Another event is that they used Zoom for a virtual graduation. According to the text it states, Now, in what hailed as an Industry first", a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home. Also in the text it states,"The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.

Corrections:

There are many events listed in the text, two specifically stand out as different.

      • I combined the first two sentences into one. I added “in the text” so the reader knows where the event list is. Also, spell out numerals in your paragraph. I also added, “stand out as different” to address the prompt more directly.


One new event takes place at a Tokyo university, where it will have robots go to the graduation ceremony in place of students who are still at home.

      • I reworded parts of this sentence to provide the reader with more clarity.


According to the text, “in what hailed as an Industry first, a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”

      • The introductory clause to the quote was a bit clunky, so I deleted “it states.” You need to place quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.


The text also states, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.”

      • I again reworded the introduction to the quote, as it was too wordy. I also added a quotation mark at the end of the sentence.


In conclusion, a university in Tokyo is holding a different kind of graduation ceremony through having robots attend for students who are stuck at home.

      • You need a conclusion sentence, to summarize the main point of your paragraph. The sentence above is an example of a concluding statement you could use.


Overall, nice work! Make sure to use quotation marks around quotes, and to make your introductory clauses lead into your quotes so it sounds like a fluid sentence.

Final Version:

There are many events listed in the text, two specifically stand out as different. One new event takes place at a Tokyo university, where it will have robots go to the graduation ceremony in place of students who are still at home. According to the text, “in what hailed as an Industry first, a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” The text also states, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.” In conclusion, a university in Tokyo is holding a different kind of graduation ceremony through having robots attend for students who are stuck at home.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




            There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19. A bad reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs. According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. I chose these quotes because they represent my answer. In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing but these are my negative and positive reasons.

Original Version:

There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19. A bad reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs. According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. I chose these quotes because they represent my answer. In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing but these are my negative and positive reasons.

Corrections:

There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing.

      • Good!


One good result of practicing social distancing is that it limits the spread of COVID-19.

      • The “limiting the spread of COVID-19” is a result, not a reason, so I changed the word choice.


A bad result of practicing social distancing is that even being six feet away can also spread germs.

      • I deleted the phrase “why you shouldn’t” as you are talking about the negative aspects of social distancing instead of convincing them not to do it. When writing, you should use the written form of numerals, so I changed it to “six.”


The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing.”

      • You forgot to add a quotation mark at the end of the quote after the period, so I added one.


The text also states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.”

      • You need to add quotation marks around the quote.


In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing

      • I deleted the first sentence and the end of the second as it was in the third person. When writing a response, make sure not to write personal pronouns.


Final Version: There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good result of practicing social distancing is that it limits the spread of COVID-19. A bad result of practicing social distancing is that even being six feet away can also spread germs. The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing.” The text also states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.” In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing

Great work! Make sure to write in the third person, and proofread your sentences.

Edited by Hayley Taylor



           J.K Rowling thinks it will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home listening to the audio book of Harry Potter. She thinks it will help them understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text it states, Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic, Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also in the text it states, Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment of the series.
            

Original Version:

J.K Rowling thinks it will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home listening to the audio book of Harry Potter. She thinks it will help them understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text it states, Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic, Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also in the text it states, Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment of the series.

Corrections:

J.K Rowling thinks her website will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home. On her website, they can listen to the audiobook of Harry Potter. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about.

      • You have a good point, but you need to specify what “it” is. Because of this, I replaced “it” with “website” in the corrected sentence. I also broke the first sentence into two sentences, as it felt like two thoughts jammed together. Audiobook is one word, not two. In the last sentence, I again defined what it was, so it is clear to the reader.


She thinks that listening to the audiobook will help kids understand what the book is about.

      • When you used “them” without identifying who “them” is, the reader doesn’t know who you are referring to, which is why I added “kids” to make this clear.


She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audiobook then, answer questions.

      • Good! The only correction I made is the spelling of audiobook.


According to the text, “Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic,” Rowling said as she announced the launch.

      • When quoting a text or person, use quotation marks around the words that are not your own. Otherwise, it can be mistaken for plagiarism.


Also, in the text, it states, “Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series.”

      • I added s commas after “also” as there is a natural pause there, and a comma after “in the text” because it is an introductory phrase which needs a comma after it. Also, I added quotation marks because quotes need them to show that they are not your own words.


In conclusion, J.K. Rowling’s website will be a big help to kids stuck at home.

      • Your conclusion would be stronger if you added a sentence summarizing your thoughts after the quote. So, I wrote an example of a conclusion you could use.


Final Version:

J.K Rowling thinks her website will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home. On her website, they can listen to the audiobook of Harry Potter. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text, “Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic,” Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also, in the text, it states, “Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series.” In conclusion, J.K. Rowling’s website will be a big help to kids stuck at home. 

Great work! Remember to use quotation marks when citing a text or another person.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/01/world/harry-potter-at-home-hub-jk-rowling-scli-intl-gbr/index.html



           There are two ways of how postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations. One way is that it causes headaches and heartaches for people postponing the Olympics. According to the text it states,It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer. Another way is that almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure. Also in the text it states, Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies. This proves that it also got public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations.

Original Version:

There are two ways of how postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations. One way is that it causes headaches and heartaches for people postponing the Olympics. According to the text it states, Another way is that almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure. Also in the text it states, Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies. This proves that it also got public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations.

Corrections:

Postponing the 2020 Olympics has caused two negative situations.

      • I edited the sentence for grammar and clarity. “two ways of how” sounded clunky. I think that the “two negative situations” is the subject.


One downside is that it has created headaches and heartaches for people involved in postponing the Olympics. According to the text, “almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure.”

      • I edited deleted “one way” to one “downside” as you are describing what the problems are, not the ways that the problems were created. I also added quotation marks around the quoted material from the text, as otherwise it can be mistaken for plagiarism.


The text also states, “Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies."

      • I rephrased the introductory clause before the quote, to add a variety of word choice. Again, I added quotation marks to signify that you are using quotes from the text.


This proves that the postponement caused public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies.

      • To be more specific, I said “this evidence proves that the postponement caused” so the reader knows what caused the public pleas, and etc.


In short, these are the two negative situations caused by the postponement of the 2020 Olympics.

      • Strong conclusion! I edited the sentence for grammar.


Great work! Remember to use quotations, and make sure your word choice works effectively with the sentence.

Final Version:

Postponing the 2020 Olympics has caused two negative situations. One downside is that it has created headaches and heartaches for people involved in postponing the Olympics. According to the text, “almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure.” The text also states, “Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies." This proves that the postponement caused public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two negative situations caused by the postponement of the 2020 Olympics.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.columbiadailyherald.com/zz/news/20200324/2020-tokyo-olympics-officially-postponed-due-to-coronavirus-outbreak