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  Teda's Writing's  <br><br> Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit from the farmer. The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand that the raven was “doing the farmers work”.
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  Teda's Writing's  <br><br>  
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Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit from the farmer. The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand that the raven was “doing the farmers work”.
 
<br><br>To begin with, The farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. To add on, he felt confused because the raven said that he did the farmers work and the farmer was confused about if he had to understand the ravens statement of not. Based on the text it states “Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. “ This means that the farmer was confused. Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven said that he did all the farmers work and the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. According to the text it states “Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows that the farmer felt surprised.
 
<br><br>To begin with, The farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. To add on, he felt confused because the raven said that he did the farmers work and the farmer was confused about if he had to understand the ravens statement of not. Based on the text it states “Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. “ This means that the farmer was confused. Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven said that he did all the farmers work and the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. According to the text it states “Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows that the farmer felt surprised.
 
<br><br>In conclusion, these are the two feelings the farmer felt when he spoke with the raven. If i was the farmer i would feel unhappy because i worked so hard to achieve something and when the raven comes and says that he did all the work and he got all the credit i would feel unhappy. Also i agree in the part where the farmer felt surprised.
 
<br><br>In conclusion, these are the two feelings the farmer felt when he spoke with the raven. If i was the farmer i would feel unhappy because i worked so hard to achieve something and when the raven comes and says that he did all the work and he got all the credit i would feel unhappy. Also i agree in the part where the farmer felt surprised.
  
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Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. <br>
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'''***This is a strong start!'''
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The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit for herding the cattle from the farmer. <br>
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'''***Edited for clarity.'''
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The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand how the raven was completing his work. <br>
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'''***Edited for clarity and word choice.'''
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To begin, the farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency.'''
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To add on, the farmer was unsure about the raven's statement regarding the cattle. <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency, clarity and punctuation.'''
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The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer." <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency and punctuation.'''
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This means that the farmer was confused. <br>
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'''***Good!'''
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Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. <br>
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'''***Edited for clarity.'''
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According to the text, "Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" <br>
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'''***Edited for fluency and punctuation.'''
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This demonstrates that the farmer felt surprised. <br>
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'''***Edited for word choice to avoid repetition.'''
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In conclusion, the farmer felt shocked and confused when he spoke with the raven.<br>
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'''***Edited for clarity.'''
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If I was the farmer I would feel unhappy because I worked hard to achieve something, and the raven took full credit. <br>
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'''***Edited for punctuation and clarity.'''
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Also, I agree with the farmer's feelings of surprise and confusion. <br>
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'''***Edited for punctuation and clarity.'''
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  Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit for herding the cattle from the farmer. The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand how the raven was completing his work.
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  To begin, the farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. To add on, the farmer was unsure about the raven's statement regarding the cattle. The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer." Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. According to the text, "Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" This demonstrates that the farmer felt surprised.
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  In conclusion, the farmer felt shocked and confused when he spoke with the raven. If I was the farmer I would feel unhappy because I worked hard to achieve something, and the raven took full credit. Also, I agree with the farmer's feelings of surprise and confusion. <br>
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'''***If a piece of evidence contains a piece of dialogue use single quotation marks. This means that if a character is talking instead of using a quotation mark that looks like this ", use a single quotation mark that looks like this '. This is really tricky and may take some practice but I believe in you!'''
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'''Edited by Nicole Glidden'''
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----
  
 
The monkey was able to free  himself from his unlawful sentence by use his Lion and to play a tune. Also, scared of the animals and they all went to new places. This happened because the lion told the monkey that he would give the monkey his whole kingdom and anything he wanted but he refused and disobeyed so everyone was surprised an left because the animals scared.
 
The monkey was able to free  himself from his unlawful sentence by use his Lion and to play a tune. Also, scared of the animals and they all went to new places. This happened because the lion told the monkey that he would give the monkey his whole kingdom and anything he wanted but he refused and disobeyed so everyone was surprised an left because the animals scared.

Revision as of 04:56, 30 July 2020

Teda's Writing's  

Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit from the farmer. The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand that the raven was “doing the farmers work”.

To begin with, The farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. To add on, he felt confused because the raven said that he did the farmers work and the farmer was confused about if he had to understand the ravens statement of not. Based on the text it states “Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?" said the farmer. “ This means that the farmer was confused. Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven said that he did all the farmers work and the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. According to the text it states “Quoth the farmer with surprise, "How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!" This shows that the farmer felt surprised.

In conclusion, these are the two feelings the farmer felt when he spoke with the raven. If i was the farmer i would feel unhappy because i worked so hard to achieve something and when the raven comes and says that he did all the work and he got all the credit i would feel unhappy. Also i agree in the part where the farmer felt surprised.

Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said.
***This is a strong start!

The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit for herding the cattle from the farmer.
***Edited for clarity.

The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand how the raven was completing his work.
***Edited for clarity and word choice.

To begin, the farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven.
***Edited for fluency.

To add on, the farmer was unsure about the raven's statement regarding the cattle.
***Edited for fluency, clarity and punctuation.

The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer."
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

This means that the farmer was confused.
***Good!

Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven took all the credit for something he had not done.
***Edited for clarity.

According to the text, "Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'"
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

This demonstrates that the farmer felt surprised.
***Edited for word choice to avoid repetition.

In conclusion, the farmer felt shocked and confused when he spoke with the raven.
***Edited for clarity.

If I was the farmer I would feel unhappy because I worked hard to achieve something, and the raven took full credit.
***Edited for punctuation and clarity.

Also, I agree with the farmer's feelings of surprise and confusion.
***Edited for punctuation and clarity.

  Based on the story, the farmer had mixed feelings about what the raven said. The farmer felt surprised because the raven took all the credit for herding the cattle from the farmer. The farmer was also confused because he didn’t understand how the raven was completing his work.
  To begin, the farmer felt confused and surprised when he spoke with the raven. To add on, the farmer was unsure about the raven's statement regarding the cattle. The text states, "'Am I to understand you have been doing all the work for me?' said the farmer." Furthermore, the farmer was surprised because the raven took all the credit for something he had not done. According to the text, "Quoth the farmer with surprise, 'How many there are that take credit for things which they have never done!'" This demonstrates that the farmer felt surprised. 
  In conclusion, the farmer felt shocked and confused when he spoke with the raven. If I was the farmer I would feel unhappy because I worked hard to achieve something, and the raven took full credit. Also, I agree with the farmer's feelings of surprise and confusion. 

***If a piece of evidence contains a piece of dialogue use single quotation marks. This means that if a character is talking instead of using a quotation mark that looks like this ", use a single quotation mark that looks like this '. This is really tricky and may take some practice but I believe in you!

Edited by Nicole Glidden



The monkey was able to free himself from his unlawful sentence by use his Lion and to play a tune. Also, scared of the animals and they all went to new places. This happened because the lion told the monkey that he would give the monkey his whole kingdom and anything he wanted but he refused and disobeyed so everyone was surprised an left because the animals scared.

To begin with, when the monkey was there, he was charged with a sentence. So, he was still allowed to keep his bow and arrow and he was also still able to play his fiddle. When he was in the middle of the tune it got quicker and quicker, he annoyed everyone and the dancers were tired. Based on the text states “... He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.” This shows, he was going to quick and made the dancers tired .To add on, when both the lion and wolf asked him to stop he didn’t really hear so ignored them without knowing. But the second time, the lion was desperate at to the monkey he would give the monkey his kingdom and everything but he refused and didn’t want the request. According to the text it says “... Wolf was the first to cry out in pleading tones breathlessly, "Please stop, Cousin Monkey! For love's sake, please stop!"But Monkey did not even hear him. Over and over sounded the resistless waltz of "Cockcrow.” After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, "My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing.""I do not want it," answered Monkey, "but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me... The court and other animals were so afraid that he might begin again that they hastily disbanded to new parts of the world.” To clarify, because the monkey didn’t want the trade/request, all the court people moved to different places because they were afraid about what would happen net so they all left In conclusion, the monkey was able to break free from his unlawful sentence. One way was he used his fiddle to play a song and for some reason his fiddle playing pleased the court people and they started to dance until their feet hurt. Another way he escaped it was since he obeyed the offer the lion king gave to him, everyone was scared about what would happen next if they kept fighting like that so man people left the town or place because of it. If i were in the monkeys position, I would never have thought that I would ave been able to escape a sentence so I would definitely feel grateful, strange, relived and definitely also feel a little scared if the animal would come back and wanted to go to court again.

According to the story, Monkey was able to free himself from his unlawful sentence by making Lion dance and playing a tune.
***Edited for clarity and to reference the story.

Also, he scared the other animals causing them to flee to new places.
***Edited for word choice and clarity.

This happened because Lion told Monkey that he would give Monkey his whole kingdom and anything he wanted if he stopped playing his fiddle.
***Edited for clarity and accuracy.

To begin, Monkey was charged with a sentence.
***Edited for clarity.

He was allowed to play his fiddle despite losing access to his bow and arrow.
***Edited for clarity and word choice.

When he was in the middle of the tune it got quicker and quicker, which annoyed everyone and made the dancers tired.
***Edited for fluency.

The text states “He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.”
***Edited for fluency.

This demonstrates that he was going too quick and made the dancers tired.
***Edited for word choice, punctuation, and spelling.

To add on, when both Lion and Wolf asked him to stop he didn’t really hear, so he ignored them unintentionally.
***Edited for fluency, word choice, punctuation and accuracy.

The second time Monkey played Lion was desperate for him to stop and offered Monkey the entire kingdom.
***Edited for fluency and clarity.

According to the text, “Wolf was the first to cry out in pleading tones breathlessly, 'Please stop, Cousin Monkey! For love's sake, please stop!' But Monkey did not even hear him. Over and over sounded the resistless waltz of "Cockcrow.” After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, 'My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing.' 'I do not want it,' answered Monkey, 'but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me. The court and other animals were so afraid that he might begin again that they hastily disbanded to new parts of the world.”
***Edited for fluency and punctuation. When the evidence from the text includes dialogue use single quotation marks around what is being said.

To clarify, because Monkey didn’t want the trade all the animals moved to different places.
***Edited to avoid a run on sentence and for clarity.


In conclusion, Monkey was able to break free from his unlawful sentence.
***Edited for accuracy.

One way he escaped was by using his fiddle to play a song, which pleased the court people and caused them to dance until their feet hurt.
***Edited for fluency.

Another way he escaped was through scaring the other animals.
***Edited for clarity.

If I were in Monkey's position I would definitely feel relieved, but apprehensive of the other animals returning and demanding another trial. 

***Edited for punctuation, spelling, word choice, fluency and clarity.

  According to the story, Monkey was able to free himself from his unlawful sentence by making Lion dance and playing a tune. Also, he scared the other animals causing them to flee to new places. This happened because Lion told Monkey that he would give Monkey his whole kingdom and anything he wanted if he stopped playing his fiddle. 
  To begin, Monkey was charged with a sentence. He was allowed to play his fiddle despite losing access to his bow and arrow. When he was in the middle of the tune it got quicker and quicker, which annoyed everyone and made the dancers tired. The text states “He was a master player of his time, and in addition to this came the wonderful power of his charmed fiddle. Thus, when he struck the first note of "Cockcrow" upon it, the court began at once to show an unusual and spontaneous liveliness, and before he came to the first waltzing turn of the old tune the whole court was dancing like a whirlwind. Over and over, quicker and quicker, sounded the tune of "Cockcrow" on the charmed fiddle, until some of the dancers, exhausted, fell down, although still keeping their feet in motion.” This demonstrates that he was going too quick and made the dancers tired. This demonstrates that he was going too quick and made the dancers tired. 

To add on, when both Lion and Wolf asked him to stop he didn’t really hear, so he ignored them unintentionally. The second time Monkey played Lion was desperate for him to stop and offered Monkey the entire kingdom. According to the text, “Wolf was the first to cry out in pleading tones breathlessly, 'Please stop, Cousin Monkey! For love's sake, please stop!' But Monkey did not even hear him. Over and over sounded the resistless waltz of "Cockcrow.” After a while, Lion showed signs of fatigue, and when he had gone the round once more with his young lion wife, he growled as he passed Monkey, 'My whole kingdom is yours, ape, if you just stop playing.' 'I do not want it,' answered Monkey, 'but withdraw the sentence and give me my bow and arrow, and you, Wolf, acknowledge that you stole it from me. The court and other animals were so afraid that he might begin again that they hastily disbanded to new parts of the world.” To clarify, because Monkey didn’t want the trade all the animals moved to different places.

   In conclusion, Monkey was able to break free from his unlawful sentence. One way he escaped was by using his fiddle to play a song, which pleased the court people and caused them to dance until their feet hurt. Another way he escaped was through scaring the other animals. If I were in Monkey's position I would definitely feel relieved, but apprehensive of the other animals returning and demanding another trial. 

***Make sure to punctuate the names of characters the same way the text does and limit quotes to two sentences each. If a piece of evidence contains a piece of dialogue use single quotation marks. Provide more context clues for the reader so they can understand what is being said and the argument being made. Follow the (P1)R-A-A (P2)R-A-C-E-A-C-E (P3)R-A-A and condense you essay to include only details relevant to your answer to the prompt.

Edited by Nicole Glidden





According to the story, the lake can be enchanted also with magical points by healing people and animals by the wounds in seconds. To add on, once you are hurt you have to try to navigate yourself to the “enchanted lake” put some lake water on your wound and slowly it will heal you.



To begin with, the lake can be enchanted also can have magical points. The enchanted lake can heal your wounds in seconds. Therefore, the lake helped a man heal his wounds from the bear. According to the text, “...It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed.” .

In conclusion, the lake can be enchanted because it helped the man get back on his feet even though he was wounded a few seconds ago.

According to the story, the lake can also be enchanted with magical points by healing people and animals in seconds.
***Edited for syntax (sentence order) and fluency.

To add on, finding the enchanted lake and putting lake water on a wound slowly heals it.
***Edited for clarity, spelling and tone.

To begin, the enchanted lake can also have magical points.
'***Edited for fluency. and clarity'.

The enchanted lake can heal wounds in seconds.
***Edited for tone.

Additionally, the lake helped a man heal his wounds from the bear.
***Edited for words choice.

According to the text, “It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed.”
***Edited for punctuation.

In conclusion, the lake is enchanted because it helped the man get back on his feet even though he was wounded.
***Edited for clarity and fluency.

  According to the story, the lake can also be enchanted with magical points by healing people and animals in seconds. To add on, finding the enchanted lake and putting lake water on a wound slowly heals it.
  To begin, the enchanted lake can also have magical points. The enchanted lake can heal wounds in seconds. Additionally, the lake helped a man heal his wounds from the bear. According to the text, “It is the medicine lake of the birds and animals, and whenever a bear is wounded by the hunters he makes his way through the woods to this lake and plunges into the water, and when he comes out upon the other side his wounds are healed.” 
  In conclusion, the lake is enchanted because it helped the man get back on his feet even though he was wounded. 

***Try to avoid referencing yourself or the reader through words such as "you" or "I" unless the prompt asks for your personal opinion.

Edited by Nicole Glidden




The was able to get the stomach of the fish by using his hunger. Because the boy was hungry he got off the fishes liver and the fish vomited the boy out.

The boy was able to get out of the stomach of the fish. So he cut off the liver of the fish, Therefore, the fish vomited the boy out. According to the text, “...he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it was dread meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held it in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy out. So the boy got hungry and cut a piece of the fishes liver and the vomited the boy out.

In conclusion, the boy was able to get out the fish because it vomited the boy out. The boys hunger made the boy cut off the liver of the fish, this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy.

According to the story, the boy was able to escape the stomach of the fish by using his hunger.
***Edited to reference the question, include a subject, and improve word choice.

As a result of the boy's hunger he cut off the fish's liver, which caused the fish to vomit the boy out.
***Edited for word choice, fluency and spelling.

The boy escaped the stomach of the fish.
***Edited for word choice.

He cut a piece of the fish's liver, causing the fish to get sick.
***Edited for clarity and repetition.

According to the text, "...he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it was dread meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held it in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy out."
***Edited to include quotation marks at the end of the quote.

The boy's quick thinking allowed him to survive.
***Edited for repetition.

In conclusion, the boy was able to get out the fish because it vomited the boy out. 

***Good!

The boy's hunger made the boy cut off the liver of the fish, and this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy. 

***Edited for fluency.

  According to the story, the boy was able to escape the stomach of the fish by using his hunger. As a result of the boy's hunger he cut off the fish's liver, which caused the fish to vomit the boy out. 
  The boy escaped the stomach of the fish. He cut a piece of the fish's liver, causing the fish to get sick. According to the text, "...he became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it was dread meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held it in his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy out." The boy's quick thinking allowed him to survive. 
  In conclusion, the boy was able to get out the fish because it vomited the boy out.  The boy's hunger made the boy cut off the liver of the fish, and this made the fish vomit and spit out the boy. 

***Overall focus on your spelling and punctuation.

Edited by Nicole Glidden




    Based on the story, our Thanksgiving was different from Thanksgiving back then. For example, Thanksgiving for us will be for one day but for the Iroquois Thanksgiving is for four days. Also, We don't give thanks for our Great Spirits but, the Iroquois gives thanks their Great Spirits.
         To start off, our Thanksgiving was different from the Iroquois Thanksgiving. To add on, Thanksgiving for us will be for one day but for the Iroquois Thanksgiving is three days more than us. Based on the text it states "At the time of the Harvest Moon comes the last feast of the summer. This Thanksgiving feast last four days. " This means that Thanksgiving is four days and for us it is one day only. Furthermore, the Iroquois gives thanks for their Great Spirits. According to the text it states "The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than others, since its takes some time to name all the good gifts to the Great Spirits to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all. This shows that they give thanks to their Great Spirits. In conclusion, this is why our Thanksgiving is different from their Thanksgiving.
          In conclusion, this is how we celebrate Thanksgiving and how Iroquois people celebrate Thanksgiving. If i was a Iroquois i would do the same because they give more thanks and they don't be selfish like other people.

Based on the story, our Thanksgiving is different from Thanksgiving back then.
***Edited for grammar (tense).

For example, Americans celebrate Thanksgiving for one day but for the Iroquois celebrated Thanksgiving for four days.
***Edited for tone and fluency.

Also, Americans don't give thanks to the Great Spirits but the Iroquois did.
***Edited for tone, punctuation and fluency.

To start off, Thanksgiving in the U.S. is different from Thanksgiving in the past.
***Edited for repetition.

Additionally, Iroquois Thanksgiving lasted three days more than it does in the United States.
***Edited to avoid a run-on and clarity.

In the text it states, "At the time of the Harvest Moon comes the last feast of the summer. This Thanksgiving feast last four days."
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

Thanksgiving was celebrated over the course of multiple days.
***Edited for repetition and clarity.

Furthermore, the Iroquois gave thanks for their Great Spirits.
***Edited for tense consistency.

According to the text, "The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than others, since its takes some time to name all the good gifts to the Great Spirits to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all."
***Edited for fluency and punctuation.

This shows that they gave thanks to their Great Spirits.
***Edited for tense consistency.

In conclusion, this is why Thanksgiving in America is different from the Iroquois Thanksgiving.
***Edited for fluency.

In conclusion, Thanksgiving traditions have changed over time. ***Edited for repetition and to better summarize the entire essay.

If I was a member of the Iroquois tribe I would celebrate the same way, because it demonstrates more kindness and generosity.
***Edited for word choice and clarity.

  Based on the story, our Thanksgiving is different from Thanksgiving back then. For example, Americans celebrate Thanksgiving for one day but for the Iroquois celebrated Thanksgiving for four days. Also, Americans don't give thanks to the Great Spirits but the Iroquois did. 
  To start off, Thanksgiving in the U.S. is different from Thanksgiving in the past. Additionally, Iroquois Thanksgiving lasted three days more than it does in the United States. In the text it states, "At the time of the Harvest Moon comes the last feast of the summer. This Thanksgiving feast last four days." Thanksgiving was celebrated over the course of multiple days. Furthermore, the Iroquois gave thanks for their Great Spirits. According to the text, "The Indians not only give thanks for the ripening of the corn, but for every growing thing. Therefore this feast is longer than others, since its takes some time to name all the good gifts to the Great Spirits to the Red Children, and to give thanks for them all." This shows that they gave thanks to their Great Spirits. 
  In conclusion, this is why Thanksgiving in America is different from the Iroquois Thanksgiving. If I was a member of the Iroquois tribe I would celebrate the same way, because it demonstrates more kindness and generosity. 

***Try to keep your tense consistent and focus on using concise sentences that use clear language.

***Edited by Nicole Glidden



Original: Based on the story, Rip Van Winkle is an independent and helpful person. To begin with, Rip Van Winkle is a independent person. Based on the text it states “In a word, Rip was ready to attend to anybody’s business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible.” This means that he is very independent in other people’s business but not his business. To add on, Van Winkle is a very helpful person. According to the text it states “He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians.” This shows that Rip Van Winkle is a helpful person by assisting in sports , teaching the kids how to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles , and told them long stories. In conclusion, this is why Rip Van Winkle is a independent and helpful person.


Edits:


Based on the story, Rip Van Winkle is an independent and helpful person. To begin with, Rip Van Winkle is a independent person. Based on the text it states “In a word, Rip was ready to attend to anybody’s business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible.”

      • Edited for grammar: Throughout this story, Rip Van Winkle was an independent and helpful person. He was an independent person because based on the text it states, "In a word, Rip was ready to attend to anybody’s business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible.”


Good citation and first sentence! Take out the second sentence and combine the citation


This means that he is very independent in other people’s business but not his business.

      • Edited for clarity: This means that he was very independent in other people’s business but not his business.


Change 'is' and 'was'


To add on, Van Winkle is a very helpful person. According to the text it states “He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians.”

      • Edited for fluidity: To add on, Van Winkle was a very helpful person because according to the text it states, “He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians.”


Combine these two sentence into one!


This shows that Rip Van Winkle is a helpful person by assisting in sports , teaching the kids how to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles , and told them long stories.

      • Edited for punctuation: This shows that Rip Van Winkle was a helpful person by assisting in sports, teaching the kids how to fly kites, shoot marbles, and telling them long stories.


Good! Fixed some errors throughout this sentence.


In conclusion, this is why Rip Van Winkle is a independent and helpful person.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this is why Rip Van Winkle was an independent and helpful person.


Good concluding sentence. Make sure to use past tense in your writings


Final Edit:


Throughout this story, Rip Van Winkle was an independent and helpful person. He was an independent person because based on the text it states, "In a word, Rip was ready to attend to anybody’s business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible.” This means that he was very independent in other people’s business but not his business. To add on, Van Winkle was a very helpful person because according to the text it states, “He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians.” This shows that Rip Van Winkle was a helpful person by assisting in sports, teaching the kids how to fly kites, shoot marbles, and telling them long stories. In conclusion, this is why Rip Van Winkle was an independent and helpful person.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware





 Original: Many events allowed the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king. To start off, he asked his friends who the dog was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince. Based on the text it states ” Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away.’” This means that he asked who Schippeitaro was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince. To add on, once he captured the cat king he saved the mountain girls. According to the text it states “At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro.” This shows that he saved the day for the mountains girls by capturing the cat king. In conclusion, these are the events that allowed the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king.

Edits:


Many events allowed the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king. To start off, he asked his friends who the dog was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince.

      • Edited for clarity: Many events led the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king. To start off, he asked his friends how the dog was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince.


Great first two sentences!


Based on the text it states ” Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away.’” This means that he asked who Schippeitaro was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince.

      • Edited for punctuation: Based on the text it states, "Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away." This means that he asked who Schippeitaro was and said it belongs to the overseer of their prince.


Good citation! Make sure to use the proper use of quotations.


To add on, once he captured the cat king he saved the mountain girls. According to the text it states “At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro.”

      • Edited for punctuation: To add on, once he captured the cat king, he saved the mountain girls. According to the text it states “At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro.”


Add a comma after the word 'king' and great transition statement!


This shows that he saved the day for the mountains girls by capturing the cat king. In conclusion, these are the events that allowed the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king.


      • Great job!


Final Edit:

Many events led the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king. To start off, he asked his friends how the dog was and they said it belongs to the overseer of their prince. Based on the text it states, "Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away." This means that he asked who Schippeitaro was and said it belongs to the overseer of their prince. To add on, once he captured the cat king, he saved the mountain girls. According to the text it states “At sunrise, the brave dog was taken back to his master, and from that time the mountain girls were safe, and every year a feast was held in memory of the young warrior and the dog Schippeitaro.” This shows that he saved the day for the mountains girls by capturing the cat king. In conclusion, these are the events that allowed the man to think of a plan to capture the cat king.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: Both Captain Crewe and Sara show their love for each other in many ways. To start off, Captain Crewe said that he would get everything she admired and also himself. The text states “but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself“ This means that he wants to make Sara happy anyway he can. For instance, he woke up very late and sat next to Sara and Emily. Based on the text it states “He got out of his bed in the middle of that night and went and stood looking down at Sara, who lay asleep with Emily in her arms.” This shows that he loved Sara and woke up just to see her in Emily’s arms. In conclusion, these are some ways of how both Captain Crewe and Sara show their love for each other.

Edits:


Both Captain Crewe and Sara show their love for each other in many ways.

      • Edited for clarity: Captain Crewe and Sara showed their love for each other in many ways.


Fix 'show' to 'showed' so it is past tense. Good first sentence!


To start off, Captain Crewe said that he would get everything she admired and also himself. The text states “but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself“

      • Edited for fluidity: To start off, Captain Crewe said that he would get everything she admired and also himself. The text states “But Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself.“


Make sure to put a period inside the quotation marks when ending a sentence


This means that he wants to make Sara happy anyway he can.

      • Edited for grammar: This means that he wanted to make Sara happy anyway he could.


Change 'can' to 'could' to make it past tense.


For instance, he woke up very late and sat next to Sara and Emily. Based on the text it states, “He got out of his bed in the middle of that night and went and stood looking down at Sara, who lay asleep with Emily in her arms.” This shows that he loved Sara and woke up just to see her in Emily’s arms. In conclusion, these are some ways of how both Captain Crewe and Sara show their love for each other.

      • Edited for clarity: For instance, he woke up very late and sat next to Sara and Emily. Based on the text it states “He got out of his bed in the middle of that night and went and stood looking down at Sara, who lay asleep with Emily in her arms.” This shows that he loved Sara and woke up just to see her in Emily’s arms. In conclusion, these are some ways of how both Captain Crewe and Sara showed their love for each other.



Good job on these two sentences!


Final Edit:

Captain Crewe and Sara showed their love for each other in many ways. To start off, Captain Crewe said that he would get everything she admired and also himself. The text states “But Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself.“ This means that he wanted to make Sara happy anyway he could. For instance, he woke up very late and sat next to Sara and Emily. Based on the text it states, “He got out of his bed in the middle of that night and went and stood looking down at Sara, who lay asleep with Emily in her arms.” This shows that he loved Sara and woke up just to see her in Emily’s arms. In conclusion, these are some ways of how both Captain Crewe and Sara showed their love for each other.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: Sara likes to read a books she likes. To start off, Sara does not like people going into battles or wars. Based on the text it states “I don't like it, papa," she said. "But then I dare say soldiers—even brave ones—don't really LIKE going into battle." This means that she does not like reading books that deal with people going into battles or wars. Furthermore, Sara wanted new elders books such as great books, fat books and thick ones and many more. According to the text it states “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.” This shows that she liked books that great big and fat books. In conclusion, this is what Sara likes to read.

Edits:


Sara likes to read a books she likes.

      • Edited for fluidity: Sara only likes to read books she is interested in.


Good first sentence! Changed the wording around to make the sentence flow better


To start off, Sara does not like people going into battles or wars.

      • Edited for clarity: To start off, Sara does not like reading about people going into battles or wars.


Use past tense


Based on the text it states “I don't like it, papa," she said. "But then I dare say soldiers—even brave ones—don't really LIKE going into battle." This means that she does not like reading books that deal with people going into battles or wars.

      • Edited for punctuation: Based on the text it states, “I don't like it, papa," she said. "But then I dare say soldiers—even brave ones—don't really like going into battle." This means that she does not like reading books that deal with people going into battles or wars.


Add a comma after 'states' and uncapitalize the word 'like'


Furthermore, Sara wanted new elders books such as great books, fat books and thick ones and many more. According to the text it states “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.”

      • Edited for fluidity: Furthermore, Sara wanted new elders books such as great books, fat books and thick ones and many more. According to the text, it states “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.”


Good citation! Just add a comma after 'according to the text'


This shows that she liked books that great big and fat books.

      • Edited for fluidity: This shows that she likes to read books that are thick and big.


Good


In conclusion, this is what Sara likes to read.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, these are the types of books Sara enjoys to read.


Final Edit:

Sara only likes to read books she is interested in. To start off, Sara does not like reading about people going into battles or wars. Based on the text it states, “I don't like it, papa," she said. "But then I dare say soldiers—even brave ones—don't really like going into battle." This means that she does not like reading books that deal with people going into battles or wars. Furthermore, Sara wanted new elders books such as great books, fat books and thick ones and many more. According to the text, it states “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.” This shows that she likes to read books that are thick and big. In conclusion, these are the types of books Sara enjoys to read.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: Sara can be worried about many things. To start off, she was freaked out about the place she was located right now. Based on the text it states “"Is this the place?" Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. "Is it, papa?" This means that she is a bit sacred about the place she was in. To add on, this climate in India are bad for children. According to the text it states “During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place" she was to be taken to some day. The climate of India was very bad for children, and as soon as possible they were sent away from it—generally to England and to school. ” this shows that she is scared about the place because it is bad for children’s health. In conclusion, these are some reasons of way Sara was worried. .

Edits:


Sara can be worried about many things. To start off, she was freaked out about the place she was located right now.

      • Edited for fluidity: Sara was worried about many things in this story like being freaked out about a place she was located at.


Good first sentence! Changed some wording around to make the sentence flow better


Based on the text it states “"Is this the place?" Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. "Is it, papa?" This means that she was a bit sacred about the place she was in.

      • Edited for punctation: For instance, based on the text it states "Is this the place?" Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. "Is it, papa?" This means that she is a bit scared about the place she was in.


Take out the extra set of quotations. Good citation!


To add on, this climate in India are bad for children.

      • Edited for grammar: To add on, the climate in India was harmful to the children.


Make sure to use past tense


According to the text it states “During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place" she was to be taken to some day. The climate of India was very bad for children, and as soon as possible they were sent away from it—generally to England and to school. ”

      • Edited for fluidity: According to the text it states “During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place" she was to be taken to some day. The climate of India was very bad for children, and as soon as possible they were sent away from it—generally to England and to school."


Make sure to not put a space in between the period and quotation marks.


this shows that she is scared about the place because it is bad for children’s health.

      • Edited for capitalization and fluidity: This shows that she was worried about India because it was harmful to the children's health.


Good! Instead of 'scared' put 'worried'


In conclusion, these are some reasons of way Sara was worried. .

      • Edited for punctuation: In conclusion, these are some reasons why Sara was worried.


Final Edit:

Sara was worried about many things in this story like being freaked out about a place she was located at. For instance, based on the text it states "Is this the place?" Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. "Is it, papa?" This means that she was a bit scared about the place she was in. To add on, the climate in India was harmful to the children. According to the text it states, “During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place" she was to be taken to some day. The climate of India was very bad for children, and as soon as possible they were sent away from it—generally to England and to school." This shows that she was worried about India because it was harmful to the children's health. In conclusion, these are some reasons why Sara was worried.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware






Original: In this story, the children did many things. To start off, the girls were getting ready to put a little performance. Based on the text it states “ The morning charities and ceremonies took so much time that the rest of the day was devoted to preparations for the evening festivities. Being still too young to go often to the theater, and not rich enough to afford any great outlay for private performances, the girls put their wits to work, and necessity being the mother of invention, made whatever they needed. Very clever were some of their productions, pasteboard guitars, antique lamps made of old-fashioned butter boats covered with silver paper, gorgeous robes of old cotton, glittering with tin spangles from a pickle factory, and armor covered with the same useful diamond shaped bits left in sheets when the lids of preserve pots were cut out. The big chamber was the scene of many innocent revels.” This means that the girls are getting ready to perform for everyone. Furthermore, the girls were seating in a circle and were whispering about something and that when things started. According to the text it states “On Christmas night, a dozen girls piled onto the bed which was the dress circle, and sat before the blue and yellow chintz curtains in a most flattering state of expectancy. There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began.” This shows that the girls were whispering and something tragic happened. In conclusion, these are some things the children did in the story.

Edits:


In this story, the children did many things. To start off, the girls were getting ready to put a little performance.

      • Edited for fluidity: In this story, the children achieved many things like putting on a little performance.


Good first sentence, I combined these two sentences


Based on the text it states “ The morning charities and ceremonies took so much time that the rest of the day was devoted to preparations for the evening festivities. Being still too young to go often to the theater, and not rich enough to afford any great outlay for private performances, the girls put their wits to work, and necessity being the mother of invention, made whatever they needed. Very clever were some of their productions, pasteboard guitars, antique lamps made of old-fashioned butter boats covered with silver paper, gorgeous robes of old cotton, glittering with tin spangles from a pickle factory, and armor covered with the same useful diamond shaped bits left in sheets when the lids of preserve pots were cut out. The big chamber was the scene of many innocent revels.”

      • Edited for punctation: To begin, text states "The morning charities and ceremonies took so much time that the rest of the day was devoted to preparations for the evening festivities. Being still too young to go often to the theater, and not rich enough to afford any great outlay for private performances, the girls put their wits to work, and necessity being the mother of invention, made whatever they needed. Very clever were some of their productions, pasteboard guitars, antique lamps made of old-fashioned butter boats covered with silver paper, gorgeous robes of old cotton, glittering with tin spangles from a pickle factory, and armor covered with the same useful diamond shaped bits left in sheets when the lids of preserve pots were cut out. The big chamber was the scene of many innocent revels.”


Good citation from text! This is an important quote because it describes what the girls achieved.


This means that the girls are getting ready to perform for everyone. Furthermore, the girls were seating in a circle and were whispering about something and that when things started.

      • Edited for clarity: This means that the girls were getting ready to perform for everyone.


Make sure to write in third person


Furthermore, the girls were seating in a circle and were whispering about something and that when things started.

      • Edited for grammar: Furthermore, the girls were sitting in a circle and were whispering about something.


'and that when things started' can be taken out.


According to the text it states “On Christmas night, a dozen girls piled onto the bed which was the dress circle, and sat before the blue and yellow chintz curtains in a most flattering state of expectancy.

      • Edited for punctation: According to the text it states, “On Christmas night, a dozen girls piled onto the bed which was the dress circle, and sat before the blue and yellow chintz curtains in a most flattering state of expectancy. There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began.”


This shows that the girls were whispering and something tragic happened.

      • Edited for fluidity: This shows that the girls were whispering then something tragic happened.


Instead of 'and' put 'then'


In conclusion, these are some things the children did in the story.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, these are some events that occurred in the story involving the children.


Final Edit:

In this story, the children achieved many things like putting on a little performance. To begin, text states "The morning charities and ceremonies took so much time that the rest of the day was devoted to preparations for the evening festivities. Being still too young to go often to the theater, and not rich enough to afford any great outlay for private performances, the girls put their wits to work, and necessity being the mother of invention, made whatever they needed. Very clever were some of their productions, pasteboard guitars, antique lamps made of old-fashioned butter boats covered with silver paper, gorgeous robes of old cotton, glittering with tin spangles from a pickle factory, and armor covered with the same useful diamond shaped bits left in sheets when the lids of preserve pots were cut out. The big chamber was the scene of many innocent revels.” This means that the girls were getting ready to perform for everyone. Furthermore, the girls were sitting in a circle and were whispering about something. According to the text it states, “On Christmas night, a dozen girls piled onto the bed which was the dress circle, and sat before the blue and yellow chintz curtains in a most flattering state of expectancy. There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began.” This shows that the girls were whispering then something tragic happened. In conclusion, these are some events that occurred in the story involving the children.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware
















Original: An atmosphere can mean many things and can be described with Mrs. March. To begin with, she greeted the mother with care and love. The text states “Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.“ This means that Mrs. March is a caring person when greeting. Furthermore, she loved the little notes the children gave her instead of hating it. According to the text it states “ Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.” This shows that Mrs. March is happy of what she gets. In conclusion, these are some ways of how you can describe atmosphere with Mrs. March.

Edits:


An atmosphere can mean many things and can be described with Mrs. March. To begin with, she greeted the mother with care and love.

      • Edited for clarity: An atmosphere can mean many things to Mrs. March. To begin, she greeted the mother with care and love.


Great first sentence!


The text states “Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.“ This means that Mrs. March is a caring person when greeting.

      • Edited for fluidity: The text states, “Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.“ This means that Mrs. March is a caring person when greeting someone.


Good citation! Add 'someone' after 'greeting'


Furthermore, she loved the little notes the children gave her instead of hating it. According to the text it states “ Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.”

      • Edited for punctuation: Furthermore, she loved the little notes the children gave her instead of hating it. According to the text it states, "Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.”


Great citation! Make sure to put the quotations in the right place


This shows that Mrs. March is happy of what she gets.

      • Great!


In conclusion, these are some ways of how you can describe atmosphere with Mrs. March.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, these are some ways to describe the an atmosphere with Mrs. March.


Great concluding statement! Changed the wording around to make the sentence flow better


Final Edit:


An atmosphere can mean many things to Mrs. March. To begin, she greeted the mother with care and love. The text states, “Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.“ This means that Mrs. March is a caring person when greeting someone. Furthermore, she loved the little notes the children gave her instead of hating it. According to the text it states, "Mrs. March gave the mother tea and gruel, and comforted her with promises of help, while she dressed the little baby as tenderly as if it had been her own.” This shows that Mrs. March is happy of what she gets. In conclusion, these are some ways to describe the an atmosphere with Mrs. March.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware








Original: There can be many reasons of why the door bangs. To start with, their mom was there so they had to bang on the door. Based on the text it states “There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!" cried Jo, as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall.” This means that they were getting ready and they needed to bang the door. To add on, another reason of why the door bangs is because they needed to hide the basket and sit back in there sits. According to the text it states “ Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast.” This shows that the bang is the sign of to get ready. In conclusion, these are some reasons of why the door bangs.


Edits:


There can be many reasons of why the door bangs. To start with, their mom was there so they had to bang on the door.

      • Edited for fluidity: There are many reasons why the door banged loudly. To start with, their mom was right there so they had banged the door.


Good! Combined these two sentences to make them flow better


Based on the text it states “There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!" cried Jo, as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall.” This means that they were getting ready and they needed to shut the door fast.

      • Great job with these two sentences!


To add on, another reason of why the door bangs is because they needed to hide the basket and sit back in there sits.

      • Edited for clarity: To add on, another reason why the door banged was because they needed to hide the basket and sit back in the there sits.


According to the text it states “ Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast.” This shows that the bang is the sign of to get ready.

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text it states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast.”


Take out the last sentence


In conclusion, these are some reasons of why the door bangs.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, these are some reasons why the door banged.

Final Edit:

There are many reasons why the door banged loudly. To start with, their mom was right there so they banged the door. Based on the text it states, “There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!" cried Jo, as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall.” This means that they were getting ready and they needed to shut the door fast. To add on, another reason why the door banged was because they needed to hide the basket and sit back in the there sits. According to the text it states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast.” In conclusion, these are some reasons why the door banged.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: They did many things in the evening and in the night. To begin with, they were singing the tune that best fits them. The text it states “At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. ” This means that they were singing in the tone that best suits them. To add on, they sandy a familiar lullaby that they never grew out of. According to the text it states “and it had become a household custom, for the mother was a born singer. The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby.” This shows that they sang a household custom which was a lullaby that they never grew out of. In conclusion, these are some things they did in the evening and in the night.

Edits:


They did many things in the evening and in the night. To begin with, they were singing the tune that best fits them.

      • Edited for fluidity: They accomplished many activities in the evening and night like singing the tune that best fits them.


Good! Combine these two sentences.


The text it states “At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir.

      • Edited for clarity: The text it states, “At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir.


Great job on these two sentences! Just added a comma after 'states'


Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. ” This means that they were singing in the tone that best suits them.

      • Edited for clarity: "Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune.” This means that they were singing in the tone that best suits them.


Make sure to put the quotations in the right places.


To add on, they sandy a familiar lullaby that they never grew out of. According to the text it states “and it had become a household custom, for the mother was a born singer.

      • Edited for fluidity: To add on, they sang a familiar lullaby that they never grew out of. According to the text it states, “and it had become a household custom, for the mother was a born singer.


Good!


The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby.” This shows that they sang a household custom which was a lullaby that they never grew out of.

      • Great!!


In conclusion, these are some things they did in the evening and in the night.

      • Edited for word choice: In conclusion, these are some activities they did in the evening and at night.


Final Edit:

They accomplished many activities in the evening and night like singing the tune that best fits them. The text it states, “At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. "Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune.” This means that they were singing in the tone that best suits them. To add on, they sang a familiar lullaby that they never grew out of. According to the text it states, “and it had become a household custom, for the mother was a born singer. The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby.” This shows that they sang a household custom which was a lullaby that they never grew out of. In conclusion, these are some activities they did in the evening and at night.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware









Original: According to the story, the letter from Three cheers of father made everyone’s day bright. To begin with, Mrs. March told everyone that after suppper she had a surprise for so i feel like they was eager to see the surprise Mrs. March had for them. Based on the text it states “As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper." A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!" This means that after supper Mrs. March had a surprise for everyone and they might be eager to see what Mrs. March had for them. To add on, Mrs. March had something for the girls too. In the text it states "Hurry and get done! Don't stop to quirk your little finger and simper over your plate, Amy," cried Jo, choking on her tea and dropping her bread, butter side down, on the carpet in her haste to get at the treat. Beth ate no more, but crept away to sit in her shadowy corner and brood over the delight to come, till the others were ready.” This shows that they were eating very fast because they wanted to know what’s inside. In conclusion, this is what made everyone happy.


Edits:


According to the story, the letter from Three cheers of father made everyone’s day bright. To begin with, Mrs. March told everyone that after suppper she had a surprise for so i feel like they was eager to see the surprise Mrs. March had for them.

      • Edited for clarity: According to the story, the letter from Three cheers of father made everyone’s day bright. To begin with, Mrs. March told everyone that after supper she had a surprise for so they were eager to see the surprise Mrs. March had for them.


Great first sentence! 'Supper' is only two p's


Based on the text it states “As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper." A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine.

      • Edited for fluidity: Based on the text it states, “As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper." A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine.


Just add a comma after the word 'states'


Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!" This means that after supper Mrs. March had a surprise for everyone and they might be eager to see what Mrs. March had for them.

      • Edited for fluidity: Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!"


Take out the last sentence because it was already stated above.


To add on, Mrs. March had something for the girls too. In the text it states "Hurry and get done! Don't stop to quirk your little finger and simper over your plate, Amy," cried Jo, choking on her tea and dropping her bread, butter side down, on the carpet in her haste to get at the treat. Beth ate no more, but crept away to sit in her shadowy corner and brood over the delight to come, till the others were ready.”

      • Edited for fluidity: To add on, Mrs. March had something for the girls, too. In the text it states "Hurry and get done! Don't stop to quirk your little finger and simper over your plate, Amy," cried Jo, choking on her tea and dropping her bread, butter side down, on the carpet in her haste to get at the treat. Beth ate no more, but crept away to sit in her shadowy corner and brood over the delight to come, till the others were ready.”


Great job on these two sentences!


In conclusion, this is what made everyone happy.

      • Great concluding sentence!


Final Edit:

According to the story, the letter from Three cheers of father made everyone’s day bright. To begin with, Mrs. March told everyone that after supper she had a surprise for so they were eager to see the surprise Mrs. March had for them. Based on the text it states, “As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper." A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!" To add on, Mrs. March had something for the girls, too. In the text it states "Hurry and get done! Don't stop to quirk your little finger and simper over your plate, Amy," cried Jo, choking on her tea and dropping her bread, butter side down, on the carpet in her haste to get at the treat. Beth ate no more, but crept away to sit in her shadowy corner and brood over the delight to come, till the others were ready.” In conclusion, this is what made everyone happy.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware












'Original: According to the story, Beth is scared about people fainting. To begin when then where rehearsing Beth was sacred when they fainted. Based on the text it states “I can't help it. I never saw anyone faint, and I don't choose to make myself all black and blue, tumbling flat as you do. If I can go down easily, I'll drop. If I can't, I shall fall into a chair and be graceful. I don't care if Hugo does come at me with a pistol," returned Amy, who was not gifted with dramatic power, but was chosen because she was small enough to be borne out shrieking by the villain of the piece.” This means that she is frightened about people fainting. To add on, Beth asked if they can do it another way instead. According to the text it states “Do it this way. Clasp your hands so, and stagger across the room, crying frantically, 'Roderigo! Save me! Save me!'" and away went Jo, with a melodramatic scream which was truly thrilling. Amy followed, but she poked her hands out stiffly before her, and jerked herself along as if she went by machinery, and her "Ow!" was more suggestive of pins being run into her than of fear and anguish. Jo gave a despairing groan, and Meg laughed outright, while Beth let her bread burn as she watched the fun with interest. "It's no use! Do the best you can when the time comes, and if the audience laughs, don't blame me. Come on, Meg." This shows that Beth asked if they can do it in another way so they did but then it didn’t work so she said if they audience laugh it’s not my fault. In conclusion, this is what Beth is scared about according to this story.


Edits:


According to the story, Beth is scared about people fainting.

      • Great first sentence!


To begin when then where rehearsing Beth was sacred when they fainted. Based on the text it states “I can't help it. I never saw anyone faint, and I don't choose to make myself all black and blue, tumbling flat as you do. If I can go down easily, I'll drop. If I can't, I shall fall into a chair and be graceful. I don't care if Hugo does come at me with a pistol," returned Amy, who was not gifted with dramatic power, but was chosen because she was small enough to be borne out shrieking by the villain of the piece.”

      • Edited for punctuation: To begin, when they were rehearsing Beth was scared when they fainted. Based on the text it states, "I can't help it. I never saw anyone faint, and I don't choose to make myself all black and blue, tumbling flat as you do. If I can go down easily, I'll drop. If I can't, I shall fall into a chair and be graceful. I don't care if Hugo does come at me with a pistol," returned Amy, who was not gifted with dramatic power, but was chosen because she was small enough to be borne out shrieking by the villain of the piece.”


Good! Some mistakes were made in the first sentences.


This means that she is frightened about people fainting. To add on, Beth asked if they can do it another way instead.

      • Edited for clarity: This means that she was frightened about people fainting. To add on, Beth asked if they can do it another way instead.


Good! Make sure to use past tense.


According to the text it states “Do it this way. Clasp your hands so, and stagger across the room, crying frantically, 'Roderigo! Save me! Save me!'" and away went Jo, with a melodramatic scream which was truly thrilling.

      • Edited for clarity: According to the text it states, "Do it this way. Clasp your hands so, and stagger across the room, crying frantically, 'Roderigo! Save me! Save me!'" and away went Jo, with a melodramatic scream which was truly thrilling.


Make sure to add a comma after the word 'states'


Amy followed, but she poked her hands out stiffly before her, and jerked herself along as if she went by machinery, and her "Ow!" was more suggestive of pins being run into her than of fear and anguish. Jo gave a despairing groan, and Meg laughed outright, while Beth let her bread burn as she watched the fun with interest.

      • Great job on this sentence!


"It's no use! Do the best you can when the time comes, and if the audience laughs, don't blame me. Come on, Meg." This shows that Beth asked if they can do it in another way so they did but then it didn’t work so she said if they audience laugh it’s not my fault.

      • Edited for clarity: "It's no use! Do the best you can when the time comes, and if the audience laughs, don't blame me. Come on, Meg." This shows that Beth asked them to do it another way so they did but it didn't work. They said if the audience laughed it's not my fault.


Good! Changed some wording around


In conclusion, this is what Beth is scared about according to this story.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this is what Beth was scared of.


Take out 'according to this story' because we already know this. Great job!


Final Edit:

According to the story, Beth is scared about people fainting. To begin, when they were rehearsing Beth was scared when they fainted. Based on the text it states, "I can't help it. I never saw anyone faint, and I don't choose to make myself all black and blue, tumbling flat as you do. If I can go down easily, I'll drop. If I can't, I shall fall into a chair and be graceful. I don't care if Hugo does come at me with a pistol," returned Amy, who was not gifted with dramatic power, but was chosen because she was small enough to be borne out shrieking by the villain of the piece.” This means that she was frightened about people fainting. To add on, Beth asked if they can do it another way instead. According to the text it states, "Do it this way. Clasp your hands so, and stagger across the room, crying frantically, 'Roderigo! Save me! Save me!'" and away went Jo, with a melodramatic scream which was truly thrilling. Amy followed, but she poked her hands out stiffly before her, and jerked herself along as if she went by machinery, and her "Ow!" was more suggestive of pins being run into her than of fear and anguish. Jo gave a despairing groan, and Meg laughed outright, while Beth let her bread burn as she watched the fun with interest. "It's no use! Do the best you can when the time comes, and if the audience laughs, don't blame me. Come on, Meg." This shows that Beth asked them to do it another way so they did but it didn't work. They said if the audience laughed it's not my fault. In conclusion, this is what Beth was scared of.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware