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''Italic text"
 
''Italic text"
 
Sish's Writing Page
 
Sish's Writing Page
 
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'''Original Draft'''
 
THE TALE OF IVAN
 
THE TALE OF IVAN
  
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           Last, but not least, the final piece of advice to Ivan was, "Honesty is the best policy." The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!' If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world! Who knows what the lord would do to him! A servant sounds bad, but at least he's not a thief! Also, in the end of the story, the cake that the farmer's wife made for him actually had Ivan's wage in it! He earned that wage!
 
           Last, but not least, the final piece of advice to Ivan was, "Honesty is the best policy." The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!' If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world! Who knows what the lord would do to him! A servant sounds bad, but at least he's not a thief! Also, in the end of the story, the cake that the farmer's wife made for him actually had Ivan's wage in it! He earned that wage!
  
 +
'''Corrections'''
 +
THE TALE OF IVAN
 +
<br> ****"'I kept this the same."'
 +
 +
          This was the most interesting article I read by far! I know I say this a lot, but seriously, this article is amazing. I've heard this tale before but I didn't fully remember it that well, so it was so cool reading this tale again!
 +
<br> ****"'I kept all of this the same."'
 +
 +
This tale is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer.
 +
<br> ****"'All I really did here was add the title to give some clearer introduction, and I also added 'for one' after 'asked a farmer' just to make it clear that he was asking ''him'' for a job and not just asking him where he could find one."'
 +
<br> "The Tale of Ivan" is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer for one.
 +
 +
It turns out this farmer is wise and Ivan too.
 +
<br> ****"'This sentence was just sort of awkward, so I removed it."'
 +
 +
He decided to take advice from the farmer than to take his wage, which turned out to be very helpful.
 +
<br> ****"'Instead of just saying that Ivan took the farmer's advice instead of his wage, we have to introduce why he did that first."'
 +
<br> Once Ivan had been working for the farmer for a year, it was time to get his wage. However, the farmer offered his advice instead, and Ivan decided to take advice from the farmer and work another year for his wage, which turned out to be very helpful.
 +
 +
For his first year, the farmer's advice to home was, "Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one."
 +
<br> ****"'All I changed here was the quote - I added single quotes inside of the double quote since it's still a quote from a character speaking."'
 +
<br> For his first year, the farmer's advice to him was, "'Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one.'"
 +
 +
Then, when Ivan went back home, the merchants took a new road and got robbed by thieves! Thankfully, Ivan did not get robbed.
 +
<br> ****"'Since you go in depth with what happened on Ivan's way home later in your essay, I removed these explanations from this top section. It might just be awkward and confusing for the reader for you to mention them all twice."'
 +
 +
The second piece of advice from the farmer to Ivan was, "Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman."
 +
<br> ****"'I did the same thing here as the last quote, and also added 'After Ivan worked for another year,' at the beginning to clarify that another year had gone by."'
 +
<br> After Ivan worked for another year, the second piece of advice the farmer gave him was, "'Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.'"
 +
 +
Later, when the merchants were lodging, the hostess' husband got kidnapped! This also makes sense because her husband was an old man and she was young.
 +
<br> ****"'I removed this part too."'
 +
 +
Lastly, the farmer's third advice was, "Honesty is the best policy."
 +
<br> ****"'
 +
<br> Finally, after working for the farmer for three years, the farmer gave Ivan his last piece of advice, which was, "'Honesty is the best policy.'"
 +
 +
Well, honesty IS the best policy! Ivan told the truth and now he's a servent instead a thief, yay! If Ivan's traits weren't compliant, he would've been in a really bad situation!
 +
<br> ****"'I also removed this part. For future reference, the word is spelled 'servant' instead of 'servent'."'
 +
 +
          The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew."
 +
<br> ****"'Here, I added more context by adding two sentences before the quote to introduce what's going on."'
 +
<br> After the third year, the farmer gave Ivan a cake and told him not to break it until he and his wife were the most joyous and then sent him on his way home. On the way home, Ivan saw some merchants from his hometown. The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew."
 +
 +
If Ivan hadn't listened to the farmer, who knows what would've happened! No one would've been there to stop the robbers either! Fortunately, Ivan was the one to stop the robbers from hurting the merchants.
 +
<br> ****"'I kept all of this the same."'
 +
 +
          The second piece of advice was to never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.
 +
<br> ****"'Since we already know what the second piece of advice is, I instead put a sentence to give context for the next part of the story."'
 +
<br> Next, the merchants told Ivan that he should stay the night with them, but first he asked them who the host was.
 +
 +
The text states, "'The host,' they cried; 'what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she's young and pretty. If you want to see the host you'll find him in the kitchen.' So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the soup. 'Oh! oh!' quoth Ivan, 'I'll not lodge here, but will go next door.'"
 +
<br> ****"'I kept this the same."'
 +
 +
That was pretty smart of Ivan to go next door, just in case something bad happens.
 +
<br> ****"'I removed this sentence because it makes it seem like Ivan was sort of listening out or watching out for the people in the house, but really he was just listening to the farmer's advice, ya know?"'
 +
 +
the host was kidnapped, but I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there.
 +
<br> ****"'All I did here was add 'Later that night,' and 'from his home' after 'was kidnapped'."'
 +
<br> Later that night, the host was kidnapped from his home, I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there.
 +
 +
 +
          Last, but not least, the final piece of advice to Ivan was, "Honesty is the best policy."
 +
<br> ****"'Again, we already know what the second piece of advice is, so instead I changed this to a sentence with more context to explain what was happening."'
 +
<br> Finally, after Ivan returned home, his wife told him she had found a purse, so they went to return it to a lord who they thought might have lost it.
 +
 +
The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'
 +
<br> ****"'All I did here was add double quotes at the end."'
 +
<br> The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'"
 +
 +
If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world!
 +
<br> ****"'I kept this the same."'
 +
 +
Who knows what the lord would do to him!
 +
<br> ****"'All I did here was 'would do' to 'would have done' since this is past tense and we have finished the story."'
 +
<br> Who knows what the lord would have done to him!
 +
 +
A servant sounds bad, but at least he's not a thief!
 +
<br> ****"'I removed this sentence."'
 +
 +
Also, in the end of the story, the cake that the farmer's wife made for him actually had Ivan's wage in it!
 +
<br> ****"'This sentence feels sort of awkward and last minute, so I just made it a bit longer to make it not feel so rushed."'
 +
<br> Since Ivan was so joyful, he decided to break the cake the farmer's wife had made for him, and inside of it was the wage he had worked for!
 +
 +
He earned that wage!
 +
<br> ****"'All I did here was add 'really' after 'He'."'
 +
<br> He really earned that wage!
 +
 +
 +
'''Final Draft'''
 +
THE TALE OF IVAN
 +
This was the most interesting article I read by far! I know I say this a lot, but seriously, this article is amazing. I've heard this tale before but I didn't fully remember it that well, so it was so cool reading this tale again! "The Tale of Ivan" is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer for one. Once Ivan had been working for the farmer for a year, it was time to get his wage. However, the farmer offered his advice instead, and Ivan decided to take advice from the farmer and work another year for his wage, which turned out to be very helpful. For his first year, the farmer's advice to him was, "'Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one.'" After Ivan worked for another year, the second piece of advice the farmer gave him was, "'Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.'" Finally, after working for the farmer for three years, the farmer gave Ivan his last piece of advice, which was, "'Honesty is the best policy.'"
 +
            After the third year, the farmer gave Ivan a cake and told him not to break it until he and his wife were the most joyous and then sent him on his way home. On the way home, Ivan saw some merchants from his hometown. The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew." If Ivan hadn't listened to the farmer and gone with them down the new road, who knows what would've happened! No one would've been there to stop the robbers either! Fortunately, Ivan was the one to stop the robbers from hurting the merchants.
 +
            Next, the merchants told Ivan that he should stay the night with them, but first he asked them who the host was. The text states, "'The host,' they cried; 'what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she's young and pretty. If you want to see the host you'll find him in the kitchen.' So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the soup. 'Oh! oh!' quoth Ivan, 'I'll not lodge here, but will go next door.'" Later that night, the host was kidnapped from his home, I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there. Luckily, he listened to the farmer's advice and went next door!
 +
            Finally, after Ivan returned home, his wife told him she had found a purse, so they went to return it to a lord who they thought might have lost it. The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'" If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world! Who knows what the lord would have done to him! Since Ivan was so joyful, he decided to break the cake the farmer's wife had made for him, and inside of it was the wage he had worked for! He really earned that wage!
  
 +
The biggest thing for this one was just making sure that you don't insert information twice. Like how I was talking about adding what happened later in the story in the first paragraph. Instead, take your time and add those details as your paragraph goes on just like it would in the story. Then the reader doesn't get confused or bored. Other than that, there's nothing in particular to work on, just make sure you're reading my comments and corrections! Keep up the great work!
 +
Edited by Lainey Morris
 
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
'''Original Draft'''
 
'''Original Draft'''

Latest revision as of 14:37, 29 June 2020

Italic text" Sish's Writing Page


Original Draft THE TALE OF IVAN

          This was the most interesting article I read by far! I know I say this a lot, but seriously, this article is amazing. I've heard this tale before but I didn't fully remember it that well, so it was so cool reading this tale again! This tale is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer. It turns out this farmer is wise and Ivan too. He decided to take advice from the farmer than to take his wage, which turned out to be very helpful. For his first year, the farmer's advice to home was, "Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one." Then, when Ivan went back home, the merchants took a new road and got robbed by thieves! Thankfully, Ivan did not get robbed. The second piece of advice from the farmer to Ivan was, "Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman." Later, when the merchants were lodging, the hostess' husband got kidnapped! This also makes sense because her husband was an old man and she was young. Lastly, the farmer's third advice was, "Honesty is the best policy." Well, honesty IS the best policy! Ivan told the truth and now he's a servent instead a thief, yay! If Ivan's traits weren't compliant, he would've been in a really bad situation!
          The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew." If Ivan hadn't listened to the farmer, who knows what would've happened! No one would've been there to stop the robbers either! Fortunately, Ivan was the one to stop the robbers from hurting the merchants.
          The second piece of advice was to never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman. The text states, "'The host,' they cried; 'what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she's young and pretty. If you want to see the host you'll find him in the kitchen.' So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the soup. 'Oh! oh!' quoth Ivan, 'I'll not lodge here, but will go next door.'" That was pretty smart of Ivan to go next door, just in case something bad happens. the host was kidnapped, but I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there.
          Last, but not least, the final piece of advice to Ivan was, "Honesty is the best policy." The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!' If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world! Who knows what the lord would do to him! A servant sounds bad, but at least he's not a thief! Also, in the end of the story, the cake that the farmer's wife made for him actually had Ivan's wage in it! He earned that wage!

Corrections THE TALE OF IVAN
****"'I kept this the same."'

          This was the most interesting article I read by far! I know I say this a lot, but seriously, this article is amazing. I've heard this tale before but I didn't fully remember it that well, so it was so cool reading this tale again! 


****"'I kept all of this the same."'

This tale is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer.
****"'All I really did here was add the title to give some clearer introduction, and I also added 'for one' after 'asked a farmer' just to make it clear that he was asking him for a job and not just asking him where he could find one."'
"The Tale of Ivan" is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer for one.

It turns out this farmer is wise and Ivan too.
****"'This sentence was just sort of awkward, so I removed it."'

He decided to take advice from the farmer than to take his wage, which turned out to be very helpful.
****"'Instead of just saying that Ivan took the farmer's advice instead of his wage, we have to introduce why he did that first."'
Once Ivan had been working for the farmer for a year, it was time to get his wage. However, the farmer offered his advice instead, and Ivan decided to take advice from the farmer and work another year for his wage, which turned out to be very helpful.

For his first year, the farmer's advice to home was, "Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one."
****"'All I changed here was the quote - I added single quotes inside of the double quote since it's still a quote from a character speaking."'
For his first year, the farmer's advice to him was, "'Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one.'"

Then, when Ivan went back home, the merchants took a new road and got robbed by thieves! Thankfully, Ivan did not get robbed.
****"'Since you go in depth with what happened on Ivan's way home later in your essay, I removed these explanations from this top section. It might just be awkward and confusing for the reader for you to mention them all twice."'

The second piece of advice from the farmer to Ivan was, "Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman."
****"'I did the same thing here as the last quote, and also added 'After Ivan worked for another year,' at the beginning to clarify that another year had gone by."'
After Ivan worked for another year, the second piece of advice the farmer gave him was, "'Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.'"

Later, when the merchants were lodging, the hostess' husband got kidnapped! This also makes sense because her husband was an old man and she was young.
****"'I removed this part too."'

Lastly, the farmer's third advice was, "Honesty is the best policy."
****"'
Finally, after working for the farmer for three years, the farmer gave Ivan his last piece of advice, which was, "'Honesty is the best policy.'"

Well, honesty IS the best policy! Ivan told the truth and now he's a servent instead a thief, yay! If Ivan's traits weren't compliant, he would've been in a really bad situation!
****"'I also removed this part. For future reference, the word is spelled 'servant' instead of 'servent'."'

          The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew." 


****"'Here, I added more context by adding two sentences before the quote to introduce what's going on."'
After the third year, the farmer gave Ivan a cake and told him not to break it until he and his wife were the most joyous and then sent him on his way home. On the way home, Ivan saw some merchants from his hometown. The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew."

If Ivan hadn't listened to the farmer, who knows what would've happened! No one would've been there to stop the robbers either! Fortunately, Ivan was the one to stop the robbers from hurting the merchants.
****"'I kept all of this the same."'

          The second piece of advice was to never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman. 


****"'Since we already know what the second piece of advice is, I instead put a sentence to give context for the next part of the story."'
Next, the merchants told Ivan that he should stay the night with them, but first he asked them who the host was.

The text states, "'The host,' they cried; 'what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she's young and pretty. If you want to see the host you'll find him in the kitchen.' So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the soup. 'Oh! oh!' quoth Ivan, 'I'll not lodge here, but will go next door.'"
****"'I kept this the same."'

That was pretty smart of Ivan to go next door, just in case something bad happens.
****"'I removed this sentence because it makes it seem like Ivan was sort of listening out or watching out for the people in the house, but really he was just listening to the farmer's advice, ya know?"'

the host was kidnapped, but I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there.
****"'All I did here was add 'Later that night,' and 'from his home' after 'was kidnapped'."'
Later that night, the host was kidnapped from his home, I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there.


          Last, but not least, the final piece of advice to Ivan was, "Honesty is the best policy." 


****"'Again, we already know what the second piece of advice is, so instead I changed this to a sentence with more context to explain what was happening."'
Finally, after Ivan returned home, his wife told him she had found a purse, so they went to return it to a lord who they thought might have lost it.

The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'
****"'All I did here was add double quotes at the end."'
The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'"

If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world!
****"'I kept this the same."'

Who knows what the lord would do to him!
****"'All I did here was 'would do' to 'would have done' since this is past tense and we have finished the story."'
Who knows what the lord would have done to him!

A servant sounds bad, but at least he's not a thief!
****"'I removed this sentence."'

Also, in the end of the story, the cake that the farmer's wife made for him actually had Ivan's wage in it!
****"'This sentence feels sort of awkward and last minute, so I just made it a bit longer to make it not feel so rushed."'
Since Ivan was so joyful, he decided to break the cake the farmer's wife had made for him, and inside of it was the wage he had worked for!

He earned that wage!
****"'All I did here was add 'really' after 'He'."'
He really earned that wage!


Final Draft THE TALE OF IVAN This was the most interesting article I read by far! I know I say this a lot, but seriously, this article is amazing. I've heard this tale before but I didn't fully remember it that well, so it was so cool reading this tale again! "The Tale of Ivan" is about a man named Ivan who wanted to find a job, so he asked a farmer for one. Once Ivan had been working for the farmer for a year, it was time to get his wage. However, the farmer offered his advice instead, and Ivan decided to take advice from the farmer and work another year for his wage, which turned out to be very helpful. For his first year, the farmer's advice to him was, "'Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one.'" After Ivan worked for another year, the second piece of advice the farmer gave him was, "'Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.'" Finally, after working for the farmer for three years, the farmer gave Ivan his last piece of advice, which was, "'Honesty is the best policy.'"

            After the third year, the farmer gave Ivan a cake and told him not to break it until he and his wife were the most joyous and then sent him on his way home. On the way home, Ivan saw some merchants from his hometown. The text states, "'Oh, come with us! You'll be right welcome.' But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, 'Thieves!" and Ivan shouted out 'Thieves!' too. And when the robbers heard Ivan's shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-bew." If Ivan hadn't listened to the farmer and gone with them down the new road, who knows what would've happened! No one would've been there to stop the robbers either! Fortunately, Ivan was the one to stop the robbers from hurting the merchants.
           Next, the merchants told Ivan that he should stay the night with them, but first he asked them who the host was. The text states, "'The host,' they cried; 'what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she's young and pretty. If you want to see the host you'll find him in the kitchen.' So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the soup. 'Oh! oh!' quoth Ivan, 'I'll not lodge here, but will go next door.'" Later that night, the host was kidnapped from his home, I wonder if Ivan would've been kidnapped if he stayed there. Luckily, he listened to the farmer's advice and went next door!
           Finally, after Ivan returned home, his wife told him she had found a purse, so they went to return it to a lord who they thought might have lost it. The text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief. 'Honesty's the best policy!' said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. 'How joyful I am!'" If Ivan hadn't told the truth, he would've been a lying thief to the whole world! Who knows what the lord would have done to him! Since Ivan was so joyful, he decided to break the cake the farmer's wife had made for him, and inside of it was the wage he had worked for! He really earned that wage!

The biggest thing for this one was just making sure that you don't insert information twice. Like how I was talking about adding what happened later in the story in the first paragraph. Instead, take your time and add those details as your paragraph goes on just like it would in the story. Then the reader doesn't get confused or bored. Other than that, there's nothing in particular to work on, just make sure you're reading my comments and corrections! Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

RIP VAN WINKLE

          This biography-ish is about the one and only: Rip Van Winkle! The author starts the first two paragraphs about where Van Winkle lives. Even though their village is actually kind of beat, the author still gives off positive vibes about the place. He or she gives specific details and makes it look like their village is totally awesome! For example, the author states, "When the weather is fair and settled, they are clothed in blue and purple, and print their bold outlines on the clear evening sky; but sometimes, when the rest of the landscape is cloudless, they will gather a hood of grey vapors about their summits, which, in the last rays of the setting sun, will glow and light up like a crown of glory." It sounds awesome, right? Anyways, Van Winkle sounds like a really kind person! He sounds kinder than anyone I've ever met before! The article shows Van Winkle is caring and generous. The text states, "I have observed that he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband. Indeed, to the latter circumstance might be owing that meekness of spirit which gained him such universal popularity; for those men are apt to be obsequious and conciliating abroad, who are under the discipline of shrews at home. Their tempers, doubtless, are rendered pliant and malleable in the fiery furnace of domestic tribulation; and a curtain-lecture is worth all the sermons in the world for teaching the virtues of patience and long-suffering. A termagant wife may, therefore, in some respects, be considered a tolerable blessing; and if so, Rip Van Winkle was thrice blessed." This shows how the villagers blessed Van Winkle for being such a good person! He even became popular from where he lived!
          Rip Van Winkle is also the kindest person too! He helps many people when they're struggling with something, even if he doesn't know them! He still helps whoever in need. The text states, "The children of the village, too, would shout with joy whenever he approached. He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians. Whenever he went dodging about the village, he was surrounded by a troop of them, hanging on his skirts, clambering on his back, and playing a thousand tricks on him with impunity; and not a dog would bark at him throughout the neighborhood." He made children really happy because he's super nice! Not even a dog would bark at him, haha! I actually didn't really know about Rip Van Winkle's personality before! This was a pretty interesting article.

Corrections RIP VAN WINKLE

          This biography-ish is about the one and only: Rip Van Winkle! The author starts the first two paragraphs about where Van Winkle lives. Even though their village is actually kind of beat, the author still gives off positive vibes about the place. He or she gives specific details and makes it look like their village is totally awesome! For example, the author states, "When the weather is fair and settled, they are clothed in blue and purple, and print their bold outlines on the clear evening sky; but sometimes, when the rest of the landscape is cloudless, they will gather a hood of grey vapors about their summits, which, in the last rays of the setting sun, will glow and light up like a crown of glory." It sounds awesome, right? 


****"'I kept all of this the same!"'

Anyways, Van Winkle sounds like a really kind person!
****"'This is the only thing I changed in this entire paragraph! The word 'anyway' isn't plural, but it's a common mistake to say 'anyways'. So all I did was changed 'Anyways' to 'Anyway'."'
Anyway, Van Winkle sounds like a really kind person!

He sounds kinder than anyone I've ever met before! The article shows Van Winkle is caring and generous. The text states, "I have observed that he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband. Indeed, to the latter circumstance might be owing that meekness of spirit which gained him such universal popularity; for those men are apt to be obsequious and conciliating abroad, who are under the discipline of shrews at home. Their tempers, doubtless, are rendered pliant and malleable in the fiery furnace of domestic tribulation; and a curtain-lecture is worth all the sermons in the world for teaching the virtues of patience and long-suffering. A termagant wife may, therefore, in some respects, be considered a tolerable blessing; and if so, Rip Van Winkle was thrice blessed." This shows how the villagers blessed Van Winkle for being such a good person! He even became popular from where he lived!

          Rip Van Winkle is also the kindest person too! He helps many people when they're struggling with something, even if he doesn't know them! He still helps whoever in need. The text states, "The children of the village, too, would shout with joy whenever he approached. He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians. Whenever he went dodging about the village, he was surrounded by a troop of them, hanging on his skirts, clambering on his back, and playing a thousand tricks on him with impunity; and not a dog would bark at him throughout the neighborhood." He made children really happy because he's super nice! Not even a dog would bark at him, haha! I actually didn't really know about Rip Van Winkle's personality before! This was a pretty interesting article.


Final Draft RIP VAN WINKLE

          This biography-ish is about the one and only: Rip Van Winkle! The author starts the first two paragraphs about where Van Winkle lives. Even though their village is actually kind of beat, the author still gives off positive vibes about the place. He or she gives specific details and makes it look like their village is totally awesome! For example, the author states, "When the weather is fair and settled, they are clothed in blue and purple, and print their bold outlines on the clear evening sky; but sometimes, when the rest of the landscape is cloudless, they will gather a hood of grey vapors about their summits, which, in the last rays of the setting sun, will glow and light up like a crown of glory." It sounds awesome, right? Anyway, Van Winkle sounds like a really kind person! He sounds kinder than anyone I've ever met before! The article shows Van Winkle is caring and generous. The text states, "I have observed that he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband. Indeed, to the latter circumstance might be owing that meekness of spirit which gained him such universal popularity; for those men are apt to be obsequious and conciliating abroad, who are under the discipline of shrews at home. Their tempers, doubtless, are rendered pliant and malleable in the fiery furnace of domestic tribulation; and a curtain-lecture is worth all the sermons in the world for teaching the virtues of patience and long-suffering. A termagant wife may, therefore, in some respects, be considered a tolerable blessing; and if so, Rip Van Winkle was thrice blessed." This shows how the villagers blessed Van Winkle for being such a good person! He even became popular from where he lived!
          Rip Van Winkle is also the kindest person too! He helps many people when they're struggling with something, even if he doesn't know them! He still helps whoever in need. The text states, "The children of the village, too, would shout with joy whenever he approached. He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and 5 shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians. Whenever he went dodging about the village, he was surrounded by a troop of them, hanging on his skirts, clambering on his back, and playing a thousand tricks on him with impunity; and not a dog would bark at him throughout the neighborhood." He made children really happy because he's super nice! Not even a dog would bark at him, haha! I actually didn't really know about Rip Van Winkle's personality before! This was a pretty interesting article.

This was perfect! I kept rereading this to find things to correct, but I only found one thing! Awesome, awesome job, Sirasa! I'm so proud of you and the great work you do and how you've improved! Keep it up!! (Barely) Edited by Lainey Morris :)


Original Draft

SCHIPPEITARO

          The story of Schippeiaro was really interesting, although it was pretty weird that they didn't give the young man a name, I guess they do that sometimes. The story was about the young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous. You might be wondering, why? Well, in the olden days, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous! The young man, or youth, found it difficult to do something adventurous. He didn't stumble upon anything yet. Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there. The youth thought this could be a chance to do something good. Overnight, he heard some cats screeching, "Don't tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret!" At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care. But it was actually an event that led the youth to think of a plan for how to capture the cat king. Anyways, later, he found a maiden in a cask. The cats wanted something from the maiden and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro. When the youth heard the cats that night he knows that they were up to something. 
          The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." This is the main event of how the man thought of a plan to capture the cat king. Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret" the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them. Well, that's exactly what happened!
          The text states, " The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." Haha, beat that Cat King! The plan was a success! The effect of the young man's planning really paid off! Now the youth can go back home for saving the maiden and capturing those evil cats! His name shall be famous! 

Corrections The story of Schippeiaro was really interesting, although it was pretty weird that they didn't give the young man a name, I guess they do that sometimes.
****"'Here, I changed 'The story of Schippeitaro' to 'The story "Schippeitaro"' just to be clear that this is also the title of the story. I also added 'but' after 'the young man a name,'. I also changed 'the young man' to 'the main character'."'
The story "Schippeitaro" was really interesting, although it was pretty weird that they didn't give the main character a name, but I guess they do that sometimes.

The story was about the young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.
****"'At this point, the reader doesn't know who the young man is, so I changed this to 'a young man' instead so that the reader doesn't feel like they've missed something."'
The story was about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.

You might be wondering, why?
****"'I kept this the same."'

Well, in the olden days, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous!
****"'All I did here was remove 'Japanese' before 'boy' and say 'olden days in Japan' instead. This just makes it more clear to the reader that this story originated in Japan."'
Well, in the olden days in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous!

The young man, or youth, found it difficult to do something adventurous.
****"'Instead of 'found it difficult to do something adventurous', I said 'found it difficult to find something adventurous to do' because I don't think the problem the youth was having was about actually being able to do something adventurous. He just couldn't find anything adventurous to do. I hope that makes sense."'
The young man, or youth, found it difficult to find something adventurous to do.

He didn't stumble upon anything yet. Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there.
****"'For this part, I changed 'didn't' to 'hadn't', because 'didn't' implies that he still has yet to stumble upon something. 'Hadn't', on the other hand, implies that he has stumbled upon something and we will talk about it later. I hope that makes sense, too. I also combined these two sentences by removing the period in between them and changing 'Then,' to 'until'."'
He hadn't stumbled upon anything until he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there.

The youth thought this could be a chance to do something good.
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

Overnight, he heard some cats screeching, "Don't tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret!"
****"'Here I pulled the entire chunk of this quote from below and inserted it with this little part. I'll explain the reason why below."'
Overnight, he heard some cats screeching. The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose."

At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care.
****"'Saying that he was curious and he didn't care sounds sort of awkward and confusing. When you say something with 'and' in between the words, it makes it sound like those words match each other and go together. However, 'curious' and 'didn't really care' don't really sound like they match. Chances are, if you're curious about something, you do care, even just a little bit. To still keep those two terms, I changed 'and' to 'but' to give the clear distinction that although the boy was curious, he wasn't that curious."'
At first, the youth was a bit curious, but didn't really care.

But it was actually an event that led the youth to think of a plan for how to capture the cat king.
****"'Since this sentence isn't followed by the event that you're talking about, it seems sort of out of place and confusing to the reader, so I deleted it."'

Anyways, later, he found a maiden in a cask.
****"'Here, I changed 'Anyways, later,' to 'The next day' to be clearer about where in time and in the story this part is happening. I also expanded on the maiden in the cask."'
The next day, he heard the sounds of a maiden in distress in the nearby village who was trapped in a cask in the woods.

The cats wanted something from the maiden and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro.
****"'I also expanded in this sentence to clarify why the cats wanted the maiden, who Schippeitaro is, and why the maiden is trapped in the first place."'
When he went into town, the men there told him that something called "the Spirit of the Mountain" wanted to take the maiden and make her his servant, so he decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro, who he learned was a dog who was the protector of the village's prince.

When the youth heard the cats that night he knows that they were up to something.
****"'I removed this sentence because it relates to a quote that I moved back in the paragraph."'


          The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." 


****"'Okay, so since you already used part of this quote above, I moved the rest of it up there too, because having two parts of the same quote in two different places can confuse the reader and make them wonder in what order things happened. Because of this, I only have this quote where I inserted it above instead of here."'

This is the main event of how the man thought of a plan to capture the cat king.
****"'For this part, I changed 'man' to 'youth' since that's what we've been calling him the whole time. I also capitalized 'cat king' since that's how it is in the story, and I also added 'who turned out to be the Spirit of the Mountain' at the end to explain the part where I mentioned the Spirit of the Mountain."'
This is the main event of how the youth thought of a plan to capture the Cat King, who turned out to be the Spirit of the Mountain.

Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret" the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them.
****"'To be clear with who we mean when we say 'he', I just changed that to 'the youth' instead. I also added 'he knew' after the quote and before 'the cats'. I added a comma after 'that dog' as well. Finally, I corrected the quote by adding single quotes inside of the double quotes since there are characters speaking here."'
Since the youth heard the cats say, "'Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret!'" he knew that the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog, and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them.

Well, that's exactly what happened!
****"'I kept this the same as well."'


          The text states, " The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." 


****"'All I did here was remove the space between the first quotation marks and the quote itself."'
The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping."

Haha, beat that Cat King!
****"'Haha I love the personal touches you put in your paragraphs, it really shows how you put effort into your paragraphs! I kept this the same."'

The plan was a success!
****"'I also kept this the same."'

The effect of the young man's planning really paid off! Now the youth can go back home for saving the maiden and capturing those evil cats! His name shall be famous!
****"'I also kept all of this the same!


Final Draft The story "Schippeitaro" was really interesting, although it was pretty weird that they didn't give the main character a name, but I guess they do that sometimes. The story was about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous. You might be wondering, why? Well, in the olden days in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous! The young man, or youth, found it difficult to find something adventurous to do. He hadn't stumbled upon anything until he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there. The youth thought this could be a chance to do something good. Overnight, he heard some cats screeching. The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." At first, the youth was a bit curious, but didn't really care. The next day, he heard the sounds of a maiden in distress in the nearby village who was trapped in a cask in the woods. When he went into town, the men there told him that something called "the Spirit of the Mountain" wanted to take the maiden and make her his servant, so he decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro, who he learned was a dog who was the protector of the village's prince.

         This is the main event of how the youth thought of a plan to capture the Cat King, who turned out to be the Spirit of the Mountain. Since the youth heard the cats say, "'Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret!'" he knew that the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog, and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them. Well, that's exactly what happened!
          The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." Haha, beat that Cat King! The plan was a success! The effect of the young man's planning really paid off! Now the youth can go back home for saving the maiden and capturing those evil cats! His name shall be famous! 



-I think this is the longest "paragraph" I ever wrote, hehe. Thanks, I'll ask if I need any recommendations!

-Sirasa :p

I think it was, too! I could really tell the effort you put into it, which I really appreciate! You already are a good writer, but I can tell you will continue to get better and better from the effort and personal touches you put into your writing. I only have to correct minimal things in your paragraphs now, which is awesome! You're killing it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 3

           Sara is a nice and kind seven-year-old girl who absolutely loves reading books! You can give her any kind of book, that's big because she likes those more, and she'll read it! Sara is really mature for her age, and that's a good thing. Previously, in the last part, Sara's dad and Sara went to the Seminary for young ladies to talk to Mrs. Minchin. Captain Crewe thought all was well, but it actually wasn't. Miss Minchin looked pretty suspicious with that fishy smile. It's like she's up to something. This part, on the other hand, had a bit more lightening mood. Sara and her father spent so much time together! That's how Sara's dad shows his love and affection. He'll do anything for her. The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things." Sara really wanted to spend a lot of time with her father so she and Captain Crewe went out and did some Father-and-daughter things! Captain Crewe knows how much Sara will miss him, and even he's going to miss her. That's why he also wants to spend as much time as he can with his own lovely daughter. 
           Captain Crewe also loves buying so many things for his daughter! All he wants to do is to keep her really happy before he leaves off to India. The text states, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven. There were velvet dresses trimmed with costly furs, and lace dresses, and embroidered ones, and hats with great, soft ostrich feathers, and ermine coats and muffs, and boxes of tiny gloves and handkerchiefs and silk stockings in such abundant supplies that the polite young women behind the counters whispered to each other that the odd little girl with the big, solemn eyes must be at least some foreign princess—perhaps the little daughter of an Indian rajah." Captain Crewe bought so many things for Sara, even more than she needed! It's like she was living in luxury! Captain Crewe would do anything to make his daughter happy, so he bought as many things as Sara liked and spent it all on her! She's like a princess, or rajah, now. Sara's father is super nice and kind and I can see how much he's going to miss Sara when she's gone, even though the text doesn't directly state that. But what I really hope is that Miss Minchin is not a bad person and she won't treat Sara like a slave.

Corrections THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 3
****"'I kept this the same."'

           Sara is a nice and kind seven-year-old girl who absolutely loves reading books! 


****"'Again, since this is your introduction sentence, we need to properly introduce the paragraph with a bit of context. To do this, I just added 'In the story "A Little Princess"'. I also changed 'seven-year-old' to 'seven year-old' like last time."'
In the story "A Little Princess", Sara is a kind seven year-old girl who absolutely loves reading books!

You can give her any kind of book, that's big because she likes those more, and she'll read it!
****"'I just sort of moved words around here to make the sentence read more smoothly."'
You can give her any kind of book and she'll read it, especially if it's big because she likes those more!

Sara is really mature for her age, and that's a good thing.
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

Previously, in the last part, Sara's dad and Sara went to the Seminary for young ladies to talk to Mrs. Minchin.
****"'Since you already said 'Previously', we don't need to say 'in the last part' because they mean loosely the same thing, so it would be repetitive to say both. I also made 'Seminary' uncapitalized because it wasn't capitalized in the story, and I made 'Mrs. Minchin' 'Miss Minchin' since that's what she's called in the story. I also added 'the woman in charge there' to give some more context on why Sara and her father were talking to her at the seminary."'
Previously, Sara and her dad went to the seminary for young ladies to talk to Miss Minchin, the woman in charge there.

Captain Crewe thought all was well, but it actually wasn't. Miss Minchin looked pretty suspicious with that fishy smile. It's like she's up to something.
****"'Since the text never directly told us that Miss Minchin was doing something sketchy, we can't say that things weren't going well. Instead, I said 'but I'm not sure if it was'. That way, you can still add how Miss Minchin was suspicious without totally saying that she was doing something shady without any evidence. I also combined all three of these sentences into one because they're all pretty short, which makes it feel choppy. Putting it all into one sentence the way I did makes it read a bit more smoothly."'
Captain Crewe thought all was well, but I'm not sure if it was - Miss Minchin looked pretty suspicious with that fishy smile, like she's up to something.


This part, on the other hand, had a bit more lightening mood.
****"'Here, I just changed 'lightening' to 'lighthearted'."'
This part, on the other hand, had a bit more lighthearted mood.

Sara and her father spent so much time together! That's how Sara's dad shows his love and affection.
****"'I combined these two sentences to make it less choppy as well."'
Sara and her father spent so much time together, that's how Sara's dad shows his love and affection.

He'll do anything for her.
****"'I also kept this the same."'

The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things."
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

Sara really wanted to spend a lot of time with her father so she and Captain Crewe went out and did some Father-and-daughter things!
****"'Here, I added 'before he left' after 'with her father'."'
Sara really wanted to spend a lot of time with her father before he left, so she and Captain Crewe went out and did some father-and-daughter things!

Captain Crewe knows how much Sara will miss him, and even he's going to miss her. That's why he also wants to spend as much time as he can with his own lovely daughter.
****"'I also combined these two sentences. I took out 'even' because that insinuates that it's surprising that Sara's father will miss her, but it isn't surprising because we know how much he loves her. I also removed 'own' because it was unnecessary here."'
Captain Crewe knows how much Sara will miss him, and he's going to miss her, too, which is why he also wants to spend as much time as he can with his lovely daughter.

           Captain Crewe also loves buying so many things for his daughter! 


****"'I kept this the same."'

All he wants to do is to keep her really happy before he leaves off to India.
****"'From the text we can assume that Sara's father always wants to keep her happy (we can tell from when he tells Miss Minchin to give her whatever she wants), so I added 'especially' before the part about India to make it clear that he always wants to keep her happy, but especially now. I also changed 'leaves off to India' to 'leaves to return to India' just because it flows better."'
All he wants to do is to keep her really happy, especially before he leaves to return to India.

The text states, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven. There were velvet dresses trimmed with costly furs, and lace dresses, and embroidered ones, and hats with great, soft ostrich feathers, and ermine coats and muffs, and boxes of tiny gloves and handkerchiefs and silk stockings in such abundant supplies that the polite young women behind the counters whispered to each other that the odd little girl with the big, solemn eyes must be at least some foreign princess—perhaps the little daughter of an Indian rajah."
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

Captain Crewe bought so many things for Sara, even more than she needed! It's like she was living in luxury!
****"'I also combined these two sentences."'
Captain Crewe bought so many things for Sara, even more than she needed - it's like she was living in luxury!

Captain Crewe would do anything to make his daughter happy, so he bought as many things as Sara liked and spent it all on her!
****"'Here, I changed 'as many things as Sara liked and spent it all on her' to 'bought her as many things as she liked' just to shorten it. I also did it because 'and spent it all on her' felt kind of awkward."'
Captain Crewe would do anything to make his daughter happy, so he bought her as many things as she liked!

She's like a princess, or rajah, now.
****"'The text said she was like the daughter of a rajah, not an actual rajah herself, so I added 'daughter of a' before 'rajah'. I also changed 'She's like' to 'It made her look like' because the text says that that's what the ladies working in the store thought."'
It made her look like a princess, or the daughter of a rajah.

Sara's father is super nice and kind and I can see how much he's going to miss Sara when she's gone, even though the text doesn't directly state that.
****"Nice' and 'kind' mean pretty much the same thing, so we only need one. I ended up choosing 'kind'. Also, the text actually does directly state that Sara's father will miss her; when they were in their hotel room and Sara was asleep, her dad was looking at her and the text says this: "'Heigh-ho, little Sara!' he said to himself 'I don't believe you know how much your daddy will miss you.'" So I removed the part where you said the text doesn't state that he will miss her."'
Sara's father is super kind and I can see how much he's going to miss Sara when she's gone.

But what I really hope is that Miss Minchin is not a bad person and she won't treat Sara like a slave.
****"'Here I changed 'like a slave' to 'poorly' because 'slave' is a strong word, you know?"'
But what I really hope is that Miss Minchin is not a bad person and won't treat Sara poorly.


Final Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 3 In the story "A Little Princess", Sara is a kind seven year-old girl who absolutely loves reading books! You can give her any kind of book and she'll read it, especially if it's big because she likes those more! Sara is really mature for her age, and that's a good thing. Previously, Sara and her dad went to the seminary for young ladies to talk to Miss Minchin, the woman in charge there. Captain Crewe thought all was well, but I'm not sure if it was - Miss Minchin looked pretty suspicious with that fishy smile, like she's up to something. This part, on the other hand, had a bit more lighthearted mood. Sara and her father spent so much time together, that's how Sara's dad shows his love and affection. He'll do anything for her. The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things." Sara really wanted to spend a lot of time with her father before he left, so she and Captain Crewe went out and did some father-and-daughter things! Captain Crewe knows how much Sara will miss him, and he's going to miss her, too, which is why he also wants to spend as much time as he can with his lovely daughter. Captain Crewe also loves buying so many things for his daughter! All he wants to do is to keep her really happy, especially before he leaves to return to India. The text states, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven. There were velvet dresses trimmed with costly furs, and lace dresses, and embroidered ones, and hats with great, soft ostrich feathers, and ermine coats and muffs, and boxes of tiny gloves and handkerchiefs and silk stockings in such abundant supplies that the polite young women behind the counters whispered to each other that the odd little girl with the big, solemn eyes must be at least some foreign princess—perhaps the little daughter of an Indian rajah." Captain Crewe bought so many things for Sara, even more than she needed - it's like she was living in luxury! Captain Crewe would do anything to make his daughter happy, so he bought her as many things as she liked! It made her look like a princess, or the daughter of a rajah. Sara's father is super kind and I can see how much he's going to miss Sara when she's gone. But what I really hope is that Miss Minchin is not a bad person and won't treat Sara poorly.



Oh my god, I can relate to you! This one time in summer camp, I brought a lot of books to read, and I found it so interesting, that I read it when we were in Coney Island! I don't remember what the book was called but all I know was that it was worth dying for.

-Sirasa

That's the best! I love it when a book is so good that you just can't stop reading. I've recently found some books like that, which has been great because then I spend more time reading than wasting the day on my phone! If you ever want some book recommendations, don't hesitate to ask! I got you!

This was really good! It was very thorough and there were many things I left unchanged! All you really need to work on are your introduction sentences and making sure you include some context. Great work over all! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 2

To recap what happened so far, Sara is a young seven-year-old that is going away to London while her father, Captain Crewe goes back to India. In the first part of this story, Sara was worried and suspicious about where they were going, and if her father was going to take her away. In this part, we find out that Sara is actually going to a seminary of young ladies, ruled by a suspicious woman named Miss Minchin. It's like she's trying to hide something because the author hints the way she talks and how fishy her smile is. In this part, we also learn some more about Sara, like she loves reading books! She loves any type of books and any genre but she usually loves big books. The text states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." You can tell she literally loves any genre and can even read in other languages! And for a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves reading big, grown-up books! Furthermore, the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'" This shows how much she loves books and reading! It's like that's kind of all she does which is super cool. Even her father doesn't have to worry about Sara's education because she reads a lot and that can improve your grammar. I can relate to Sara. Reading is also one of my favorite hobbies!

Corrections THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 2
****"'I kept this."'

To recap what happened so far, Sara is a young seven-year-old that is going away to London while her father, Captain Crewe goes back to India.
****"'All I did here was add the title of the story and a comma after 'Captain Crewe'."'
To recap what happened so far, "A Little Princess" is the story of a young seven year-old girl named Sara who is going away to London while her father, Captain Crewe, goes back to India.

In the first part of this story, Sara was worried and suspicious about where they were going, and if her father was going to take her away.
****"'Here, all I did was change 'take her away' to 'take her somewhere bad'."'
In the first part of this story, Sara was worried and suspicious about where they were going, and if her father was going to take her somewhere bad.

In this part, we find out that Sara is actually going to a seminary of young ladies, ruled by a suspicious woman named Miss Minchin.
****"'For this part, I changed 'ruled' to 'run', because 'ruled' make it sound like it's some sort of government or kingdom instead of a school."'
In this part, we find out that Sara is actually going to a seminary of young ladies, run by a suspicious woman named Miss Minchin.

It's like she's trying to hide something because the author hints the way she talks and how fishy her smile is.
****"'I left this sentence the same."'

In this part, we also learn some more about Sara, like she loves reading books!
****"'All I did here was add 'how' after 'like'."'
In this part, we also learn some more about Sara, like how she loves reading books!

She loves any type of books and any genre but she usually loves big books.
****"'Since 'type of book' and 'genre of book' are pretty similar, I removed 'type'. I also added a comma after 'of book'."'
She loves any genre of book, but she usually loves big books.

The text states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things."
****"'Since this part is a quote, I added single quotation marks around the words as well."'
The text states, "'She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.'"

You can tell she literally loves any genre and can even read in other languages!
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

And for a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves reading big, grown-up books!
****"'Here, I changed 'seven-year-old' to 'seven year-old' like I did last time."'
And for a seven year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves reading big, grown-up books!

Furthermore, the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'"
***"'I also kept this the same."'

This shows how much she loves books and reading!
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

It's like that's kind of all she does which is super cool.
****"'All I did here was add a comma after 'does'."'
It's like that's kind of all she does, which is super cool.

Even her father doesn't have to worry about Sara's education because she reads a lot and that can improve your grammar.
****"'All I did here was add a comma after 'a lot' and then change 'and that can improve' to 'and that alone can improve'."'
Even her father doesn't have to worry about Sara's education because she reads a lot, and that alone can improve your grammar.

I can relate to Sara. Reading is also one of my favorite hobbies!
****"'I combined these two to make one sentence."'
I can relate to Sara - reading is also one of my favorite hobbies!


Final Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 2

To recap what happened so far, "A Little Princess" is the story of a young seven year-old girl named Sara who is going away to London while her father, Captain Crewe, goes back to India. In the first part of this story, Sara was worried and suspicious about where they were going, and if her father was going to take her somewhere bad. In this part, we find out that Sara is actually going to a seminary of young ladies, run by a suspicious woman named Miss Minchin. It's like she's trying to hide something because the author hints the way she talks and how fishy her smile is. In this part, we also learn some more about Sara, like how she loves reading books! She loves any genre of book, but she usually loves big books. The text states, "'She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.'" You can tell she literally loves any genre and can even read in other languages! And for a seven year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves reading big, grown-up books! Furthermore, the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'" This shows how much she loves books and reading! It's like that's kind of all she does, which is super cool. Even her father doesn't have to worry about Sara's education because she reads a lot, and that alone can improve your grammar. I can relate to Sara - reading is also one of my favorite hobbies!

I relate to Sara, too! Reading has always been one of my absolute favorite past times and I would take any spare moment to read. Once my choir went on a field trip to Six Flags when I was in seventh grade, so naturally I brought my book so that I could read in line. All of my friends were like, "Lainey! We're at Six Flags, stop reading! You're so weird!" But it didn't bother me and I kept reading anyway. Books are just always the perfect escape and an easy and enjoyable way to pass the time - plus, it helps broaden your vocabulary! Anyway, this was a great paragraph! I was only changing very minor details. Honestly, the only things I really have for you to work on are your conclusion sentences. Just make sure you're writing a good wrap-up sentence at the end. Other than that, great work! Keep killing it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 1

Sara is a seven-year-old girl that's going to a house in London. Her mother died when she was born and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father. Sadly, she has to leave and go to a house full of little girls and not be with her father for a while. From what I read, she appears to be a very shy and scared girl. She speaks very softly even when she's telling a joke. But I can also tell that Sara is worried when she talked to her father. She's worried because she thought of something really strange that even her father is curious about what she's thinking of. The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father." Maybe she thought that her father was taking her away! She probably thought that her father was taking her away or something else that's bad because they were going to so many places up until night! That is pretty suspicious, so I wouldn't blame Sara. The text also said, "She moved closer to her father." People do that when they're scared or worried. Furthermore, the text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'" As you can probably tell, she was whispering which can mean she's worried or anxious. As I said before, Captain Crewe also knew that something was wrong because it's pretty obvious that Sra is scared and that she's thinking of something bad.

Corrections THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 1
****"'I kept this the same."'

Sara is a seven-year-old girl that's going to a house in London.
****"'I expanded this sentence a little bit to add some more context by adding the title of the story and explaining how Sara is the main character of that story. I also changed 'seven-year-old' to 'seven year-old' because you only need to put a hyphen (-) between 'year' and 'old'. Also, since Sara is a girl and not a thing, I said that she is who is going to a house in London' instead of that is going to a house in London'."'
In the story "A Little Princess", the main character is a seven year-old girl named Sara who is going to a house in London.

Her mother died when she was born and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father.
****"'All I did here was change 'and' to 'so' and then I added a comma after 'born'."'
Her mother died when she was born, so that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father.

Sadly, she has to leave and go to a house full of little girls and not be with her father for a while.
****"'I shortened this sentence to say 'she has to leave her father' and then the part about living in the house with girls instead of adding 'and not be with her father for a while' at the end. This way, it sounds smoother and is easier to read."'
Sadly, she has to leave her father and go live in a house full of little girls for a while.

From what I read, she appears to be a very shy and scared girl.
****"'I kept this the same."'

She speaks very softly even when she's telling a joke.
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

But I can also tell that Sara is worried when she talked to her father.
****"'I just slightly reworded this sentence to make it more clear that you could tell by her conversation with her father that Sara was worried."'
I could also tell that Sara is worried from when she spoke to her father.

She's worried because she thought of something really strange that even her father is curious about what she's thinking of.
****"'In the passage, what she describes as 'strange' is how she's left India all of a sudden and is now in London, she isn't necessarily thinking of something random that is also strange. So I rewrote this sentence to explain that she thought that everything that was currently happening was strange, and then added that her father could tell that something was bothering her."'
She's worried because she thought everything happening was very odd, and her father could tell that something was bothering her.

The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father."
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

Maybe she thought that her father was taking her away! She probably thought that her father was taking her away or something else that's bad because they were going to so many places up until night! That is pretty suspicious, so I wouldn't blame Sara.
****"'I shortened these three sentences into two sentences. In the story, they weren't traveling all day into the night, the daytime in London was just described as being "dark as the night" because of all of the smog. I took out the part of the sentence where you talked about 'going so many places up until night' and instead added how it's pretty suspicious to suddenly leave home and travel across the ocean."'
Maybe Sara thought that her father was taking her away somewhere bad! Suddenly having to leave home and traveling across the ocean is pretty suspicious, so I don't blame her for being worried.

The text also said, "She moved closer to her father." People do that when they're scared or worried.
****"'I only slightly modified this to change 'do that' to explaining what 'that' (moving closer to people) is."'
The text also said, "She moved closer to her father." People usually move closer to the people they're close with like this when they're scared or worried.

Furthermore, the text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'"
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

As you can probably tell, she was whispering which can mean she's worried or anxious.
****"'I took out 'probably' here because the story said itself "Sara whispered". I also put 'Sara' instead of 'she' just because it's good to say the character's/person's name again after using pronouns. Also, 'worried' and 'anxious' are pretty similar words in definition, so I took out 'worried' and just kept 'anxious'. I also changed 'which can' to 'which could'."'
As you can tell, Sara was whispering, which could mean that she's anxious.

As I said before, Captain Crewe also knew that something was wrong because it's pretty obvious that Sra is scared and that she's thinking of something bad.
****"'All I changed here was 'Sra' to 'Sara', but I'm sure that was just a typo."'
As I said before, Captain Crewe also knew that something was wrong because it's pretty obvious that Sara is scared and that she's thinking of something bad.


Final Draft THE LITTLE PRINCESS PART 1 In the story "A Little Princess", the main character is a seven year-old girl named Sara who is going to a house in London. Her mother died when she was born, so that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father. Sadly, she has to leave her father and go live in a house full of little girls for a while. From what I read, she appears to be a very shy and scared girl. She speaks very softly even when she's telling a joke. I could also tell that Sara is worried from when she spoke to her father. She's worried because she thought everything happening was very odd, and her father could tell that something was bothering her. The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father." Maybe Sara thought that her father was taking her away somewhere bad! Suddenly having to leave home and traveling across the ocean is pretty suspicious, so I don't blame her for being worried. The text also said, "She moved closer to her father." People usually move closer to the people they're close with like this when they're scared or worried. Furthermore, the text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'" As you can tell, Sara was whispering, which could mean that she's anxious. As I said before, Captain Crewe also knew that something was wrong because it's pretty obvious that Sara is scared and that she's thinking of something bad.

This was good! Just remember to be putting context at the beginning of your paragraphs so that the reader knows what you're talking about, and also make sure you are understanding what the story says before you write! Also, make sure you're writing good conclusion sentences. Other than that, great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 7: A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A brief summary of what is happening so far in "LITTLE WOMEN" is that there are four sisters named Amy, Beth, Jo, and Meg are poor and their mother, Mrs. March. If your wondering where their Dad is, he's fighting for his country in the Civil War. The last two parts and this part is about Christmas and how the family spends it together! So far, the girls got a surprise present for their mother, helped her clean chores, and put on a play! Now, that is exactly my answer to the question: In this part of the story, what are the children doing? In this part of the story, the children, including the four sisters, are putting on a play or a show. The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began." This gave me the idea that they were doing a play the first time I saw it. Obviously, curtains give us a hint! In every play, most of them start with the opening of a curtain. Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy" This also means that's they are doing as play because it basically means dramatic disaster and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play. Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor." Jo is dressing up, which is another reason that they are doing a play. People dress up when they do shows and plays. Plus, she got those clothes from an actor!She is also playing a male part. This play sounds really fun!

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 7: A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
****"'I kept this the same."'

A brief summary of what is happening so far in "LITTLE WOMEN" is that there are four sisters named Amy, Beth, Jo, and Meg are poor and their mother, Mrs. March.
****"'First, I made the title of the story to where only the first letters are capitalized instead of the whole thing being capitalized. If you were to search the story on Google, it wouldn't be all caps. It only does that on the GoodToKnow website, the actual title is not all caps. Also, when you said 'there are four sisters named Amy, Beth, Jo, and Meg are poor and their mother, Mrs. March.' it sounds kind of confusing and jumbled. Instead, I said that the girls are poor and then I mentioned their mother. That way it's clear what I'm talking about and the reader won't be confused."'
A brief summary of what is happening so far in "Little Women" is that there are four sisters named Amy, Beth, Jo, and Meg who are poor and live with their mother, Mrs. March.

If your wondering where their Dad is, he's fighting for his country in the Civil War.
****"'Since 'dad' is not a proper noun in this case (you're saying 'their dad' instead of directly addressing him as 'Dad'), I made it lowercase. Also, since there have been many civil wars all over the world, I clarified that it was the American Civil War. In the American Civil War, the country is actually fighting itself (Confederacy vs Union), so I wouldn't quite say that the dad is fighting for his country. This story takes place in the northeast, so we can assume that he's fighting for the Union since they're in the northern United States, but since the story doesn't ever mention that specific detail, I didn't include that part. Fun fact: the word 'civil' means 'relating to ordinary civilians and their concerns', which is why they call it the American Civil War (because civilians were fighting each other). Also, 'your' is possessive (your book), so I changed that to 'you're' (you are wondering)."'
If you're wondering where their dad is, he's away fighting in the American Civil War.

The last two parts and this part is about Christmas and how the family spends it together!
****"'Instead of saying 'The last two parts and this part is about' I said 'The last three parts, including this part, are about'. This way it doesn't sound so choppy. I also said 'are about' instead of 'is about' because there are more than one part, so we have to say 'are' (there are three apples vs there is one apple). I also said 'Christmas day' just to be more specific."'
The last three parts, including this part, are about Christmas day and how the family spends it together!

So far, the girls got a surprise present for their mother, helped her clean chores, and put on a play!
****"'Here all I did was add that they helped the poor family and changed 'helped her clean chores' to 'did chores around the house'."'
So far, the girls got a surprise present for their mother, did chores around the house, helped a poor family, and put on a play!

Now, that is exactly my answer to the question: In this part of the story, what are the children doing?
****"'Since you are only referring to one part of the last sentence as the answer to the question, I added 'that last part' to clarify what you meant is the answer to the question. I also made 'In' lowercase since this is all still part of the same sentence."'
Now, that last part is exactly my answer to the question: in this part of the story, what are the children doing?

In this part of the story, the children, including the four sisters, are putting on a play or a show.
****"'In the story, the children are the sisters, so we don't have to say 'the children, including the four sisters,'. Instead, I said 'the children - the four sisters -'. I also removed 'or a show' since at the very bottom of this part of the story it mentioned that the audience was discussing the play."'
In this part of the story, the children - who are the four sisters - are putting on a play.

The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began."
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

This gave me the idea that they were doing a play the first time I saw it.
****"'Since you later mention why this gave you the idea that they were putting on a play, I added 'for a few reasons' at the end of the sentence. I also changed 'doing a play' to 'putting on a play' just because it sounds more correct (you don't do a play, you perform in it or put one on)."'
This gave me the idea that they were putting on a play the first time I saw it for a few reasons.

Obviously, curtains give us a hint!
****"'The curtains don't give us a hint, they aren't speaking to us. It's the mention of the curtains that gives us a hint. I added this in the sentence."'
Obviously, the mention of curtains gives us a hint!

In every play, most of them start with the opening of a curtain.
****"'When you say 'every play' and then 'most of them', it's sort of a contradiction. 'Most' means the majority of them do, but a few don't. 'Every' means that all of them do, so we can't have 'every' and 'most'. I chose to put 'most' instead."'
Most plays start with the opening of a curtain.

Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy" This also means that's they are doing as play because it basically means dramatic disaster and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play.
****"'This sentence is really long and kind of confusing since you mention so many things. I cut out the middle chunk where you said 'this also means that's they are doing as play' to make it read a bit more smoothly. I also made 'dramatic disaster' and 'dramatic' in single quotes since they aren't actual quotes."'
The quote also says "operatic tragedy", which basically means 'dramatic disaster', and the word 'dramatic' also shows us that they are putting on a play.

Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor."
****"'I kept this the same, too."'

Jo is dressing up, which is another reason that they are doing a play. People dress up when they do shows and plays.
****"'I combined these two sentences and the sentence that mentions how Jo is dressing up as a man. I also changed 'which is another reason' to 'which is another hint'."'
Jo is dressing up in a costume as a man, which is another hint that they are doing a play because people always dress up in costumes when they perform in plays.


Plus, she got those clothes from an actor!
****"'She didn't get her clothes from an actor, the story just mentions the boots."'
Plus, the story says that she got boots from an actor!

She is also playing a male part.
****"'I took this part out since I incorporated it in a line above."'

This play sounds really fun!
****"'I also kept this the same."'


Final Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 7: A MERRY CHRISTMAS! A brief summary of what is happening so far in "Little Women" is that there are four sisters named Amy, Beth, Jo, and Meg who are poor and live with their mother, Mrs. March. If you're wondering where their dad is, he's away fighting in the American Civil War. The last three parts, including this part, are about Christmas day and how the family spends it together! So far, the girls got a surprise present for their mother, did chores around the house, helped a poor family, and put on a play! Now, that last part is exactly my answer to the question: in this part of the story, what are the children doing? In this part of the story, the children - the four sisters - are putting on a play. The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began." This gave me the idea that they were putting on a play the first time I saw it for a few reasons. Obviously, the mention of curtains gives us a hint! Most plays start with the opening of a curtain. The quote also says "operatic tragedy", which basically means 'dramatic disaster', and the word 'dramatic' also shows us that they are putting on a play. Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor." Jo is dressing up in a costume as a man, which is another hint that they are doing a play because people always dress up in costumes when they perform in plays. Plus, the story says that she got boots from an actor! This play sounds really fun!

This was really good! I only had to change minor things; most of your mistakes were careless mistakes that we all make from time to time. It's always helpful to read back over what you've written to check for any mistakes you may have missed. I don't have anything in particular for you to focus on, just read my comments and make sure you're looking out for small mistakes in the future. Great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 6: A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

This story is about four poor sisters that now have Mrs. March at home, I think. In the last part, the sisters gave gifts to their mom which is very generous of them. This part, on the other hand, the girls are working with their mo, and its still Christmas. The atmosphere when the girls are with Mrs. March is super happy and joyful! You can literally see it when you read the article. All the enthusiasm and all the work that's put in, in the sister's job. They do it so happily! For proof, the texts states, "'May I go and help carry the things to the poor little children?' asked Beth eagerly." As you can see, in this part the author uses the word "eagerly" to make it look like beth is super happy and excited! Plus, Beth is doing a good thing, helping out the poor children, and giving resources to them. Pretty nice and kind, right? Furthermore, the text states, "'I shall take the cream and the muffins,' added Amy, heroically giving up the article she most liked." You see, Amy gave up her FAVORITE article just to help Mrs. March! That is super kind of her and, she's also in a good mood which means, she doesn't regret helping her mother than reading her favorite article. These sisters are super nice people and Mrs. March is very lucky to have them.

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 6: A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
****"'I kept this title."'

This story is about four poor sisters that now have Mrs. March at home, I think.
****"'Instead of writing something that you're not entirely sure about, write about what you do know for sure. What we both know for sure is that this story is about four poor sisters and their mother, so I put that."'
This story is about four poor sisters and their mother.

In the last part, the sisters gave gifts to their mom which is very generous of them.
****"'Here, I clarified that these are Christmas gifts so that the reader doesn't think it's her birthday. It's also good to do this since you say 'it's still Christmas' in the next sentence. Also, I put a comma after 'their mom'."'
In the last part, the sisters gave their Christmas gifts to their mom, which is very generous of them.

This part, on the other hand, the girls are working with their mo, and its still Christmas.
****"'Saying 'on the other hand' makes it seem like what you're about to say is totally opposite of the previous sentence, but since what you said isn't something drastically different, I took that out. I also said that they're helping a poor family with their mom instead of working with her. I said that it's 'also on Christmas' at the beginning of the sentence as well so that it would be a smoother to read."'
This part is also on Christmas when the sisters are helping a poor family with their mom.

The atmosphere when the girls are with Mrs. March is super happy and joyful!
****"'All I changed here was I added 'their mom,' before 'Mrs. March' just to clarify that Mrs. March is their mother and we aren't talking about two different people."'
The atmosphere when the girls are with their mom, Mrs. March, is super happy and joyful!

You can literally see it when you read the article.
****"'I kept this the same."'

All the enthusiasm and all the work that's put in, in the sister's job. They do it so happily!
****"'For this part I changed 'in the sister's job' to 'helping the poor family they're bringing food to' since this part doesn't talk about anyone's job. I also removed the period after 'to' and put a hyphen to make one whole sentence. This just makes it a bit less choppy with awkwardly short sentences."'
All the enthusiasm that's put into helping the poor family they're bringing food to - they do it so happily!

For proof, the texts states, "'May I go and help carry the things to the poor little children?' asked Beth eagerly."
****"'All I did here was remove the 's' after 'text'."'
For proof, the text states, "'May I go and help carry the things to the poor little children?' asked Beth eagerly."

As you can see, in this part the author uses the word "eagerly" to make it look like beth is super happy and excited!
****"'Saying that the author uses this word to make it look like Beth is happy and excited suggests that she wasn't actually happy and excited. I changed that to 'show us how happy and excited Beth is to help'."'
As you can see, the author uses the word "eagerly" to show us how happy and excited Beth is to help!

Plus, Beth is doing a good thing, helping out the poor children, and giving resources to them.
****"'I just shortened this sentence and changed 'resources' to 'food'."'
She is helping out the poor children and giving them food.

Pretty nice and kind, right?
****"'Since 'nice' and 'kind' are synonyms, we don't need to say both, so I chose 'kind'."'
Pretty kind, right?

Furthermore, the text states, "'I shall take the cream and the muffins,' added Amy, heroically giving up the article she most liked."
****"'I kept this the same."'

You see, Amy gave up her FAVORITE article just to help Mrs. March!
****"'In this context, 'article' means a part of breakfast (in this case, cream and muffins). Since you and I don't call cereal or muffins 'articles', I just said 'part of breakfast' instead. Also, the point of Amy giving up the muffins and cream isn't to necessarily help her mother, it's to help the poor family. I specified that as well."'
You see, Amy gave up her favorite part of breakfast just to help the poor family!

That is super kind of her and, she's also in a good mood which means, she doesn't regret helping her mother than reading her favorite article.
****"'When using commas, it can be really helpful to read the sentence out to yourself to see where the natural pauses are - that's where you'll usually put the commas. Your version of the sentence would sound like this: That is super kind of her and [pause] she's also in a good mood which means [pause] she doesn't regret helping her mother than reading her favorite article. See how that's kind of awkward? I moved the commas around so they'd be in places with natural pauses. I also changed 'her mother than reading her favorite article' to 'the poor family or giving away her favorite part of breakfast.'"'
That is super kind of her, and she's also in a good mood, which means that she doesn't regret helping the poor family or giving away her favorite part of breakfast.

These sisters are super nice people and Mrs. March is very lucky to have them.
****"'Here, I just changed 'super nice people' to 'very kind people' because it sounds more formal for a school assignment."'
These sisters are very kind people and Mrs. March is very lucky to have them.


Final Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 6: A MERRY CHRISTMAS! This story is about four poor sisters and their mother. In the last part, the sisters gave their Christmas gifts to their mom, which is very generous of them. This part is also on Christmas when the sisters are helping a poor family with their mom. The atmosphere when the girls are with their mom, Mrs. March, is super happy and joyful! You can literally see it when you read the article. All the enthusiasm that's put into helping the poor family they're bringing food to - they do it so happily! For proof, the text states, "'May I go and help carry the things to the poor little children?' asked Beth eagerly." As you can see, the author uses the word "eagerly" to show us how happy and excited Beth is to help! She is helping out the poor children and giving them food. Pretty kind, right? Furthermore, the text states, "'I shall take the cream and the muffins,' added Amy, heroically giving up the article she most liked." You see, Amy gave up her favorite part of breakfast just to help the poor family! That is super kind of her, and she's also in a good mood, which means that she doesn't regret helping the poor family or giving away her favorite part of breakfast. These sisters are very kind people and Mrs. March is very lucky to have them.

Great job on the quotes, you're killing it!! For this round, focus on comma use and placing them where there are natural pauses (read out loud to yourself if you need to so that you can hear it). Also, always make sure you understand what the story is saying. It was written a long time ago, so some of the ways they speak aren't the same as how we speak now. Like, when I wake up in the morning I don't go, Hm, I wonder what article I will eat this morning, you know? So it's easy to get confused with what you think they're saying vs they're actually saying. If you ever get confused about something like that, ask someone you live with or do a quick Google search to help yourself out. Other than that, awesome job! Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


LITTLE WOMEN PART 5: A MERRY CHRISTMAS! (WARNING! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION SO THIS MIGHT BE TOTALLY WRONG!)

So far, I've read five parts of "LITTLE WOMEN" and all I know now is that the main characters are these four girls and their mother. These four girls are poor sisters and their names are Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy. This part of "LITTLE WOMEN" is where it is Christmas time! Basically, their mom had to go out and the sisters wanted to give their mom a present as Amy did! She was so generous that she woke up very early just to get a bigger bottle of cologne! That was super nice of her and it shows how sorry she really is for being so selfish. At the end of this part, the girls had to hide their baskets from their mom because it was her gifts for Christmas! I think that bang on the door was the four sisters putting it on the door to know when their mom is coming or it's just their mom coming inside the house. The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa and the girls to the table." I think that could be a set-up. For example, when their mom comes in the door, the basket goes under the sofa. Just like the text said, it SENT the basket under the sofa. Furthermore, the text states, "'Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day.'" On the other hand, the mom could just be walking inside the house and the bang was the sound the mom made! When the mom comes in, the girls say Merry Christmas, like they didn't set up anything, so it could be that they didn't actually set up something. But it could ALSO go in the opposite direction!


-I don't know if the second quote quotation marks are right

-Sirasa You did, that was perfect!

I didn't want to rewrite the second half of your paragraph for you, but I didn't want to just delete it either. The paragraph itself is written very well, so I'll just explain the second half to you: when the text said that the bang 'sent' the basket under the couch, I don't think it meant it literally. I think that it meant that the girls heard the bang and they hid it, especially since a bit further up in the passage, Meg had said to hide it. I don't think they made a set up to hide the basket. The bang on the door was their mother, and they knew that, so when they heard it they knew it was time to hide the basket. Does that make sense? You're doing great! - Lainey Morris



Original Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 4

To recap the story, there are four sisters named Meg, Jo, Amy, and Beth. They aren't like normal girls that are rich or wealthy. Instead, they are the total opposite. They are poor girls with no dad and a mom. This part of the story is about the girls having a conversation and a reunion with their mom to celebrate her coming home. In evening and night. the girls apologize to their mom and sing to celebrate. The text states,"Amy never minded the rumpling of her curls as she hid her face on her mother's shoulder and sobbed out, 'I am a selfish girl! But I'll truly try to be better, so he mayn't be disappointed in me by-and-by.'" In this sentence, Amy apologized to her mother about being so selfish which also tells me that Amy is a good person for apologizing for what she did. Furthermore, the text states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. They had always done this from the time they could lisp... 'Crinkle, crinkle, 'ittle 'tar,'" This shows that at night, the family had fun and sang together. It was nice to read this party because they all had a reunion together and the family is now complete! Except the dad, of course.

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 4
****"'I kept this as is."'

To recap the story, there are four sisters named Meg, Jo, Amy, and Beth.
****"'For this part, I just added the title of the story."'
To recap the story of "Little Women", there are four sisters named Meg, Jo, Amy, and Beth.

They aren't like normal girls that are rich or wealthy. Instead, they are the total opposite.
****"Rich' and 'wealthy' are synonyms, so we don't need to use both. I chose 'wealthy' because it's a better vocabulary word. I also made these two sentences into one sentence to make it sound less choppy."'
They aren't like the other girls who are wealthy, instead they are the opposite.

They are poor girls with no dad and a mom.
****"'The girls actually do have a dad, he's just fighting in the Civil War right now. I'm not sure if the story every clearly states that it's the Civil War, but you can tell from context clues like how he's "facing a rebel or two down South". The part about the letter does clearly state that he's fighting in a war though, since the narrator says that it's full of "camp life, marches, and military news". I changed this sentence to say that their father is fighting in the war."'
They are poor girls who live with their mother and whose father is away fighting in the Civil War.

This part of the story is about the girls having a conversation and a reunion with their mom to celebrate her coming home. In evening and night.
****"'They didn't really have a total reunion with their mother, she was just away at work for the day. They were especially excited to read the letter she got from their father. I changed the sentence to focus on that and then I added from your second sentence here that this took place in the evening."'
This part of the story tells about the girls talking with their mother when she gets home and reading a letter from their father in the evening.

the girls apologize to their mom and sing to celebrate.
****"'We have to sort of explain why they're apologizing to their mother and when so that the reader doesn't feel lose. So I added that it happened after they read the letter and that they were apologizing for their behavior."'
After they read the letter, the girls apologize to their mother for their behavior.

The text states,"Amy never minded the rumpling of her curls as she hid her face on her mother's shoulder and sobbed out, 'I am a selfish girl! But I'll truly try to be better, so he mayn't be disappointed in me by-and-by.'"
****"'All I changed here was making sure that 'states,' and the quote weren't touching. Please work on this!!"'
The text states, "Amy never minded the rumpling of her curls as she hid her face on her mother's shoulder and sobbed out, 'I am a selfish girl! But I'll truly try to be better, so he mayn't be disappointed in me by-and-by.'"

In this sentence, Amy apologized to her mother about being so selfish which also tells me that Amy is a good person for apologizing for what she did.
****"'Instead of saying 'In this sentence,' I changed it to 'Here'. I also added that Amy feels guilty for being selfish and changed 'tells me' to 'tells us' to include the reader. I also shortened the sentence and added a comma before 'which' so that the sentence wouldn't feel so rushed."'
Here, Amy feels guilty for being so selfish and apologizes, which also tells us that Amy is a good person for apologizing.

Furthermore, the text states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. They had always done this from the time they could lisp... 'Crinkle, crinkle, 'ittle 'tar,'"
****"'Here, I added that they sang the lullaby together at night. This way it covers the prompt completely by clearly saying that they read the letter in the evening and sang the lullaby at night. Then, instead of 'Furthermore, the text states,' I wrote 'The story later states,' since I added a sentence before the quote."'
They also sang their lullaby together at night. The story later states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. They had always done this from the time they could lisp... 'Crinkle, crinkle, 'ittle 'tar,'"

This shows that at night, the family had fun and sang together.
****"'For this part, I took out 'This shows that at night' and shortened it to be 'Every night'."'
Every night, the family had fun and sang together.

It was nice to read this party because they all had a reunion together and the family is now complete! Except the dad, of course.
****"'Here, I changed the sentence to focus again on the letter and then mention that they got to spend quality time together."'
It was nice to read this part because they got to read the letter from their father and spend quality time together.


Final Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 4 To recap the story of "Little Women", there are four sisters named Meg, Jo, Amy, and Beth. They aren't like the other girls who are wealthy, instead they are the opposite. They are poor girls who live with their mother and whose father is away fighting in the Civil War. This part of the story tells about the girls talking with their mother when she gets home and reading a letter from their father in the evening. After they read the letter, the girls apologize to their mother for their behavior. The text states, "Amy never minded the rumpling of her curls as she hid her face on her mother's shoulder and sobbed out, 'I am a selfish girl! But I'll truly try to be better, so he mayn't be disappointed in me by-and-by.'" Here, Amy feels guilty for being so selfish and apologizes, which also tells us that Amy is a good person for apologizing. They also sang their lullaby together at night. The story later states, "At nine they stopped work, and sang, as usual, before they went to bed. No one but Beth could get much music out of the old piano, but she had a way of softly touching the yellow keys and making a pleasant accompaniment to the simple songs they sang. Meg had a voice like a flute, and she and her mother led the little choir. Amy chirped like a cricket, and Jo wandered through the airs at her own sweet will, always coming out at the wrong place with a croak or a quaver that spoiled the most pensive tune. They had always done this from the time they could lisp... 'Crinkle, crinkle, 'ittle 'tar,'" Every night, the family had fun and sang together. It was nice to read this part because they got to read the letter from their father and spend quality time together.

Only two things here: make sure you fully understand the text so that you can correctly write about it. Here you seemed to think that they just didn't have a father, but they have one and he's just away fighting in the Civil War. You also thought that they were reuniting with their mother, but I think she had just been gone to work. Also, you totally missed the whole part about the letter, which was the central part of this reading. Just make sure you're reading thoroughly so that you can write the best paragraph you can! Also, please start correcting the spacing of your quotes. Your quotes themselves are perfect - you're correctly adding quotes and writing quotes that have a character speaking in them - but you're still continuing to have the opening sentence before the quote touching the quote (like this: Furthermore, the text states,"Lily likes apples."). You have to separate them (like this: Furthermore, the text states, "Lily likes apples."). Please start correcting this. Other than that, great work! Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 3

The story of "LITTLE WOMEN" so far is about four sisters named Meg, Beth, Amy, and Jo. Meg is the oldest, then comes Jo as a thirteen-year-old. The second youngest is Beth, and the youngest is Amy. After part two of Little Women, this part is about the four girls doing a comedy act to impress some audience. This is how everyone was happy because obviously, since its comedy, it's supposed to be funny. The text states,"' No, it's the toasting fork, with Mother's shoe on it instead of the bread. Beth's stage-struck!' cried Meg, and the rehearsal ended in a general burst of laughter." In my opinion, I don't really think anything is funny, no offense. Anyways, as you can see, Meg made a joke at the end of the show which made the audience laugh! Furthermore, the text states,"'Glad to find you so merry, my girls,' said a cheery voice at the door." This shows that people were affected by that joke that Meg said and it put everyone in a good mood! I love it when people are in a good mood. It just makes everyone else around them happy too!

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 3
****"'I kept this the same."'

The story of "LITTLE WOMEN" so far is about four sisters named Meg, Beth, Amy, and Jo.
****"'Here, I made the title lowercase instead of all caps and only capitalized the beginning of the words."'
The story of "Little Women" is about four sisters named Meg, Beth, Amy, and Jo.

Meg is the oldest, then comes Jo as a thirteen-year-old.
****"'Since you gave Jo's age, you have to give the other sisters' ages as well. Meg is 16 and Jo is actually 15 (not 13). Also, when you're typing a number that's higher than nine, you have to type its digits instead of spelling it out as a word. So numbers 10 and higher you just put the digits (numbers)."'
Meg is the oldest at 16, then Jo at 15.

The second youngest is Beth, and the youngest is Amy.
****"'Saying 'The second youngest is Beth' isn't really necessary and could possibly trip the reader up. Instead, I just said that Beth is next and gave her and Amy's ages."'
Next comes Beth at 13, and Amy is the youngest at 12.

After part two of Little Women, this part is about the four girls doing a comedy act to impress some audience.
****"'Since we already know we're talking about "Little Women", I took that out and added 'the story' in its place. I also took out 'four girls' and added 'sisters' instead since we know that there are four girls. Also, the play that they performed was a tragedy (you'll see it in the next quote I add), not a comedy, so I took that out and put 'a play that Jo has written' instead."'
After part two of the story, this part is about the sisters performing a play that Jo has written.

This is how everyone was happy because obviously, since its comedy, it's supposed to be funny.
****"'I totally changed this sentence since the play was a tragedy. I added the quote that leads up to the quote you added of Meg's joke so that it would make sense to the reader."'
After they finish the performance, Jo talks about the play "Macbeth", saying, "'I do think The Witches Curse, an Operatic Tragedy is rather a nice thing, but I'd like to try Macbeth, if we only had a trapdoor for Banquo. I always wanted to do the killing part. 'Is that a dagger that I see before me?"

The text states,"' No, it's the toasting fork, with Mother's shoe on it instead of the bread. Beth's stage-struck!' cried Meg, and the rehearsal ended in a general burst of laughter."
****"'Since I just added a quote, I put 'Next,' before 'the text states'."'
Next, the text states, "'No, it's the toasting fork, with Mother's shoe on it instead of the bread. Beth's stage-struck!' cried Meg, and the rehearsal ended in a general burst of laughter."

In my opinion, I don't really think anything is funny, no offense. Anyways, as you can see, Meg made a joke at the end of the show which made the audience laugh!
****"'I combined these two sentences to make one sentence and flipped the order of what you talked about (I put Meg's joke first and then the part where you said you don't think anything is funny). I also put 'no offense' in parentheses."'
Meg's joke made all of her sisters laugh because they thought it was funny, but I don't really think anything is funny (no offense).

Furthermore, the text states,"'Glad to find you so merry, my girls,' said a cheery voice at the door."
****"'All I changed here was putting space between 'states,' and the quote. Make sure you're careful of that!"'
Furthermore, the text states, "'Glad to find you so merry, my girls,' said a cheery voice at the door."

This shows that people were affected by that joke that Meg said and it put everyone in a good mood!
****"'I slightly modified this sentence to explain who said the quote so that the reader wouldn't be confused."'
When their mother got home, she commented on how the girls were all in a good mood because of Meg's joke!

I love it when people are in a good mood. It just makes everyone else around them happy too!
****"'I just made this one sentence."'
I love it when people are in a good mood, it just makes everyone else around them happy too!


Final Draft LITTLE WOMEN PART 3 The story of "Little Women" is about four sisters named Meg, Beth, Amy, and Jo. Meg is the oldest at 16, then Jo at 15. Next comes Beth at 13, and Amy is the youngest at 12. After part two of the story, this part is about is about the sisters performing a play that Jo has written. After they finish the performance, Jo talks about the play "Macbeth", saying, "'I do think The Witches Curse, an Operatic Tragedy is rather a nice thing, but I'd like to try Macbeth, if we only had a trapdoor for Banquo. I always wanted to do the killing part. 'Is that a dagger that I see before me?" Next, the text states, "'No, it's the toasting fork, with Mother's shoe on it instead of the bread. Beth's stage-struck!' cried Meg, and the rehearsal ended in a general burst of laughter." Meg's joke made all of her sisters laugh because they thought it was funny, but I don't really think anything is funny (no offense). Furthermore, the text states, "'Glad to find you so merry, my girls,' said a cheery voice at the door." When their mother got home, she commented on how the girls were all in a good mood because of Meg's joke! I love it when people are in a good mood, it just makes everyone else around them happy too!

The main things to work on here are separating the beginning of your sentences from your quote (The text states, "Lily woke up early.") so that they aren't touching and making sure you understand what the story is saying. In this story, the play was a tragedy, not a comedy. Also, something else that made the characters happy was the letter they got from their father. Other than that, you're doing great! Just make sure to focus on those two things and you'll be golden.

P.S: This paragraph is SUPER short and I don't know what else to add, I'm so sorry! But I'm sure that your feedback will help me understand what I did wrong!

--Sirasa

That's okay! If you read more closely/thoroughly it will help you with what you're writing - you won't feel so lost with what you're looking for. Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

LITTLE WOMEN PART 2

Meg, Beth, Jo, and Amy are four poor sisters who have to work and go to school. They aren't wealthy, as you can see and their mother has tried to do everything for them. In "LITTLE WOMEN PART 2," The author tells us a bit more about these sisters. Margaret, known as Meg, is the oldest out of the four, is sixteen, and very pretty. Jo is fifteen years old and she is fierce, funny, and thoughtful. Elizabeth, or Beth, is thirteen years old and she has a very shy manner. Amy is the youngest and she ha yellow hair curling on her shoulders, and always carrying herself like a young lady mindful of her manners. This part was also about the four girls deciding on what to give their mom as a gift. Beth, on the other hand, tells her sisters that she is frightened when they all stare at her, waiting for Beth to open presents. The text states,"'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'" In this family, when it's your birthday, you sit in a chair and your family marches to you and gives you presents. Beth was scared of how her sisters were walking towards her, and as you know, Beth is a very shy person so that makes sense. Furthermore, the text states,"'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth" Beth was also frightened when her sisters stared at her, or even when anyone stares at her! I don't blame her because I can relate. It's pretty weird when people stare at you, waiting for you to do something!

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 2
****"'I kept this the same."'

Meg, Beth, Jo, and Amy are four poor sisters who have to work and go to school.
****"'I kept this the same too."'

They aren't wealthy, as you can see and their mother has tried to do everything for them.
****"'I slightly reworded this one; instead of saying they aren't wealthy and their mother has tried to do everything for them, putting but in place instead makes it sound more positive (like, 'their family is poor but they loved each other' instead of 'their family is poor and they love each other')."'
They aren't wealthy, but their mother tries to do everything she can for them.

In "LITTLE WOMEN PART 2," The author tells us a bit more about these sisters.
****"'All I did here was lowercase the title since the actual title isn't in all caps."'
In "Little Women Part 2", the author tells us a bit more about these sisters.

Margaret, known as Meg, is the oldest out of the four, is sixteen, and very pretty.
****"'I just made this read like less of a list by taking the comma after 'sixteen' away and adding 'and' after 'four,'."'
Margaret, known as Meg, is the oldest of the four, and is sixteen and very pretty.

Jo is fifteen years old and she is fierce, funny, and thoughtful.
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

Elizabeth, or Beth, is thirteen years old and she has a very shy manner.
****"'Describing someone as having "a very shy manner" isn't the way you or I would probably describe someone, so I changed it to fit how you and I would actually probably describe someone. Often times, it can be tempting to use big, fancy words or type in a way that may seem more elegant and refined, but it can also end up sounding out of place. In an assignment like this, you can ask yourself how you would describe the characters in your own words to figure out how you should probably word things."'
Elizabeth, or Beth, is thirteen years old and is very shy.

Amy is the youngest and she ha yellow hair curling on her shoulders, and always carrying herself like a young lady mindful of her manners.
****"'Since the second half of this sentence is a quote from the story, we have to put quotation marks around it."'
Amy is the youngest and she has yellow hair that curls on her shoulders, and is "always carrying herself like a young lady mindful of her manners".

This part was also about the four girls deciding on what to give their mom as a gift.
****"'Here, I added 'of the story' after 'part' and 'four girls' to 'sisters' since we have already established that there are four girls."'
This part of the story was also about the sisters deciding on what to give their mom as a gift.

Beth, on the other hand, tells her sisters that she is frightened when they all stare at her, waiting for Beth to open presents.
****"'Since you didn't introduce a side that might conflict with this sentence, we don't need to say 'on the other hand'. Instead, I reworded this sentence to begin with 'While they're talking,' to give a smooth transition into what Beth is about to say."'
While they're talking, they talk about how they used to give presents on their birthdays, and Beth tells her sisters how it used to frighten her.

The text states,"'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'"
****"'All I changed here was I put a space between 'states,' and '"'I'. Basically, I put a space between the opening part of the sentence and the quote."'
The text states, "'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'"

In this family, when it's your birthday, you sit in a chair and your family marches to you and gives you presents.
****"'I kept this the same too."'

Beth was scared of how her sisters were walking towards her, and as you know, Beth is a very shy person so that makes sense.
****"'Here, I changed 'was scared of' to 'got stressed when' and I changed 'towards' to 'toward'. I also took out 'person' after 'shy' and changed 'it makes' to 'that makes'."'
Beth got stressed when her sisters were walking toward her, and as you know, Beth is very shy, so it makes sense.

Furthermore, the text states,"'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth"
****"'All I did here was separate the beginning of the sentence from the quote again and I added a comma after 'said Beth' before the closing quotation marks."'
Furthermore, the text states, "'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth,"

Beth was also frightened when her sisters stared at her, or even when anyone stares at her!
****"'I changed this sentence to make it shorter and smoother."'
Beth was also frightened when her sisters, or anyone else, stared at her!

I don't blame her because I can relate. It's pretty weird when people stare at you, waiting for you to do something!
****"'I also kept this the same."'


Final Draft "LITTLE WOMEN PART 2" Meg, Beth, Jo, and Amy are four poor sisters who have to work and go to school. They aren't wealthy, but their mother tries to do everything she can for them. In "Little Women Part 2", the author tells us a bit more about these sisters. Margaret, known as Meg, is the oldest of the four, and is sixteen and very pretty. Jo is fifteen years old and she is fierce, funny, and thoughtful. Elizabeth, or Beth, is thirteen years old and is very shy. Amy is the youngest and she has yellow hair that curls on her shoulders, and is "always carrying herself like a young lady mindful of her manners". This part of the story was also about the sisters deciding on what to give their mom as a gift. While they're talking, they talk about how they used to give presents on their birthdays, and Beth tells her sisters how it used to frighten her. The text states, "'I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in a chair with a crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss.'" In this family, when it's your birthday, you sit in a chair and your family marches to you and gives you presents. Beth got stressed when her sisters were walking toward her, and as you know, Beth is very shy, so it makes sense. Furthermore, the text states, "'I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,' said Beth," Beth was also frightened when her sisters, or anyone else, stared at her! I don't blame her because I relate. It's pretty weird when people stare at you, waiting for you to do something!


This was really good! Thank your for correcting your quotes, that was great! All there is to work on now is how you usually forget to leave space between the beginning of sentences and the quotes you use (if you look through my comments/corrections, you'll see what I mean). Other than that, you did great! I left quite a few things untouched and some other things I only had to make minor changes to! Keep up the awesome work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft' LITTLE WOMEN PART 1

"LITTLE WOMEN PART 1" is about 4 poor sisters having to work hours in a home and complaining of how bad their life is. The names of the four girls are Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth. Their father has gone away to fight and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them. Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, but I think the one who has a really hard time, and also because her part of her life shows up a lot, is Jo. The text states," ' You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. ' How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?' " In this quote, Jo tells the girls that their punishments or work can't be as bad as hers. She also straight-up states that she had a hard time working and that she feels like "flying out the window." I'm not exactly sure, but I think that it means that she feels like committing suicide. I can't even imagine how much or how hard she has to work that she feels like committing! Furthermore, the text states," The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was." In this quote, when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father. She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood which may mean that she is depressed of how hard her life is!

Corrections LITTLE WOMEN PART 1

"LITTLE WOMEN PART 1" is about 4 poor sisters having to work hours in a home and complaining of how bad their life is.
****"'Here I lowercased the title because the actual title isn't all caps, the website just does that. I also changed '4' to 'four' since it's less than 10. I also changed 'having to work hours in a home' to 'who have to work and go to school' because they don't all work at a house, and Amy also goes to school. I also made 'life is' to 'lives are' since they each live their own lives."'
"Little Women Part 1" is about four poor sisters who have to work and go to school complaining about how bad their lives are.

The names of the four girls are Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth.
****"'I just shortened/changed this to include that they're sisters and took out the part that says that there are four of them since we already established that."'
The sisters are named Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth.

Their father has gone away to fight and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them.
****"'All I added here was that their father is fighting in a war."'
Their father has gone away to fight in a war and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them.

Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, but I think the one who has a really hard time, and also because her part of her life shows up a lot, is Jo.
****"'Here I just reworded the second half to make the sentence flow a bit better."'
Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, but I think the one who has a really hard time is Jo, which is also because parts of her life show up a lot.

The text states," ' You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. ' How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?' "
****"'All I changed here was the quotes to make them touch (you'll see what I mean below)."'
The text states, "'You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. 'How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?'"

In this quote, Jo tells the girls that their punishments or work can't be as bad as hers. She also straight-up states that she had a hard time working and that she feels like "flying out the window."
****"'I sort of combined these two sentences."'
Jo tells her sisters that their work can't be as bad as hers and even says that she feels like "'flying out the window'".

I'm not exactly sure, but I think that it means that she feels like committing suicide. I can't even imagine how much or how hard she has to work that she feels like committing!
****"'I don't think that she meant this literally, I just think she meant that the woman drives her crazy. Kind of like when people joke that they're going to jump out of a window because they're bored at school or something. I just shortened this sentence to still get your point across that she must work really hard."'
I can't imagine how hard she has to work that she feels like that!

Furthermore, the text states," The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was."
****"'All I changed here were the quotes again."'


In this quote, when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father.
****"'Instead of 'in this quote', I added 'here'. I also said that 'Jo makes the mood darker again' instead of 'darkens the mood' since that was directly in the quote."'
Here, Jo makes the mood darker again by saying sad things about their father.

She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood which may mean that she is depressed of how hard her life is!
****"'All I really added here was that Beth brightened the mood before Jo made it dark again to give the reader some context."'
She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood beforehand, which may mean that she is depressed by how hard her life is!


Final Draft "Little Women Part 1" is about four poor sisters who have to work and go to school complaining about how bad their lives are. The sisters are named Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth. Their father has gone away to fight in a war and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them. Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, but I think the one who has a really hard time is Jo, which is also because parts of her life show up a lot. The text states, "'You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. 'How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?'" Jo tells her sisters that their work can't be as bad as hers and even says that she feels like "'flying out the window'". I can't imagine how hard she has to work that she feels like that! Furthermore, the text states, "The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was." Here, Jo makes the mood darker again by saying sad things about their father. She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood beforehand, which may mean that she is depressed by how hard her life is!

This was great! Great intro, great job with the quotes! The only thing to really focus on here is keeping the quotes touching (The story states, "'I love apples,' said Lily.") instead of (The story states, " 'I love apples,' said Lily.") Also, try to work on a more conclusive last sentence next time. This was great over all, keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft LITTLE MEN PART 5

Nat is one of many lucky homeless children. He was lucky that he was found on the streets by Uncle Laurence or else he wouldn't have had a home or someone that actually cares for him. Lots of kids made Nat feel welcomed but someone who really did was Mrs. Bhears. She made sure Nat was comfortable in his new home! "LITTLE MEN PART 5" is about the author telling us, readers, a little more about some specific children in Plumfield. I could tell Demi is sweet and kind and such a beautiful child! The text states," The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners" Demi's parents taught him manners which ended up to be very useful and now Demi is super sweet and he is one of the children that show plainly effect of love and care. Furthermore, the text states," So Demi was transplanted to Plumfield, and took so kindly to the life there, that Meg and John and Grandpa felt satisfied that they had done well. " He took so kindly to the life there means that he likes living there and he doesn't throw a catastrophe which means he's also very mature and his parents teaching has paid off! I would love to meet Demi one day because he seems like a very responsible, mature, intelligent, and sweet kid!

Corrections LITTLE MEN PART 5
****"'I kept this as it is."'

Nat is one of many lucky homeless children.
****"'I included the title here to give just a little more context."'
In "Little Men", Nat is one of many lucky homeless children.

He was lucky that he was found on the streets by Uncle Laurence or else he wouldn't have had a home or someone that actually cares for him.
****"'I sort of reworded this so that it read a little more smoothly."'
He was lucky to be found on the streets by Uncle Laurence and taken to Plumfield where he found people who actually care about him.

Lots of kids made Nat feel welcomed but someone who really did was Mrs. Bhears.
****"'I also reworded this a bit, and I corrected your spelling to Mrs. Bhaer again. Please watch for that, I've corrected this the last few times."'
Lots of kids made Nat feel welcome, but especially Mrs. Bhaer.

She made sure Nat was comfortable in his new home!
****"'I kept this the same as well."'

"LITTLE MEN PART 5" is about the author telling us, readers, a little more about some specific children in Plumfield.
****"'I put the title out of all caps and reworded this sentence just slightly. I made it 'In "Little Men Part 5", the author tells us readers'."'
In "Little Men Part 5", the author tells us readers a little more about some specific children in Plumfield.

I could tell Demi is sweet and kind and such a beautiful child!
****"'All I did here was add 'that' between 'tell' and 'Demi'."'
I could tell that Demi is sweet and kind and such a beautiful child!

The text states," The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners"
****"'Here, I separated the comma after 'states' from the quotation marks and I moved the quotation marks to be touching the words inside the quote. I also included the punctuation at the end of that quote."'
The text states, "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners:"

Demi's parents taught him manners which ended up to be very useful and now Demi is super sweet and he is one of the children that show plainly effect of love and care.
****"'I reworded this sentence to cut out the 'ended up to be very useful' and went into how his parents teaching him manners made him sweet. I also used the portion of quote that you used in quotation marks."'
Demi's parents taught him manners when he was at home, which made him into a very sweet child that can "show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care,"

Furthermore, the text states," So Demi was transplanted to Plumfield, and took so kindly to the life there, that Meg and John and Grandpa felt satisfied that they had done well. "
****"'I did the same thing with the quotation marks and comma as I did two corrections up."'
Furthermore, the text states, " So Demi was transplanted to Plumfield, and took so kindly to the life there, that Meg and John and Grandpa felt satisfied that they had done well."

He took so kindly to the life there means that he likes living there and he doesn't throw a catastrophe which means he's also very mature and his parents teaching has paid off!
****"'Instead of saying 'he took so kindly to the life there' again, I put it in my own words. I also included that he's mature for his age and added an apostrophe to the end of 'parents' to show possession."'
Demi likes living there and he doesn't make any kinds of messes or stir any trouble, which means he's also very mature for his age and his parents' teaching has paid off!

I would love to meet Demi one day because he seems like a very responsible, mature, intelligent, and sweet kid!
****"'Since Demi is a fictional character, I changed 'I would love to meet' to 'I wish I could meet'."'
I wish I could meet Demi because he seems like a very responsible, mature, intelligent, and sweet kid!


Final Draft LITTLE MEN PART 5 In "Little Men", Nat is one of many lucky homeless children. He was lucky to be found on the streets by Uncle Laurence and taken to Plumfield where he found people who actually care about him. Lots of kids made Nat feel welcome, but especially Mrs. Bhaer. She made sure Nat was comfortable in his new home! In "Little Men Part 5", the author tells us readers a little more about some specific children in Plumfield. I could tell that Demi is sweet and kind and such a beautiful child! The text states, "The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners:" Demi's parents taught him manners when he was at home, which made him into a very sweet child that can "show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care," Furthermore, the text states, " So Demi was transplanted to Plumfield, and took so kindly to the life there, that Meg and John and Grandpa felt satisfied that they had done well." Demi likes living there and he doesn't make any kinds of messes or stir any trouble, which means he's also very mature for his age and his parents' teaching has paid off! I wish I could meet Demi because he seems like a very responsible, mature, intelligent, and sweet kid!

This was good! I would really like you to focus on what I said in the corrections about the commas and the quotation marks. I would also like you to remember that Mrs. Bhaer's name is not spelled 'Mrs. Bhears'. Other than that, great job! I especially liked the personal touch you gave this paragraph. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft LITTLE MEN 4

This part of 'LITTLE MEN 4" is about Mrs. Bhears sending Nat to an amazing school and it doesn't even sound like a school! There's a nurse that will give you baths, haircuts, and will tuck you in bed! There are also pillow fights every Saturday night! I think this is the reason why Nat thinks this a very nice school. The text states, "This is Nursey Hummel, and she will give you a nice bath, and cut your hair, and make you all 'comfy,' as Rob says. That's the bath-room in there; and on Saturday nights we scrub all the little lads first, and pack them away in bed before the big ones get through singing... There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; and while simmering there, he watched the performances of the two women, who scrubbed, clean night-gowned, and bundled into bed four or five small boys, who, of course, cut up all sorts of capers during the operation, and kept everyone in a gale of merriment till they were extinguished in their beds." Like I said before, this nurse makes all the kids feel literally at home and not school. From my experience, the nurses NEVER do this. They only make sure you're not sick anymore and your parents pick you up but they don't give you a bath or make sure your comfy. These nurses are working SUPER hard to make sure the children are comfortable. Furthermore, the text states," “Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,” said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks. “What a very nice school this is!” observed Nat, in a burst of admiration." Mrs. Bhears only want the children to have fun at the school. Also, right after she said that Nat thought it was a very nice school. To sum up, Nat loves this school because of how they get pillow fights and how it's not like a normal school. Lucky him!

Corrections LITTLE MEN 4
****"' All I changed here was I added 'PART' between 'MEN' and '4'."'
LITTLE MEN PART 4

This part of 'LITTLE MEN 4" is about Mrs. Bhears sending Nat to an amazing school and it doesn't even sound like a school!
****"'I think the website just puts the titles of everything in all caps, but the actual titles aren't in all caps, so I put it where it was capitalized, but not all caps. I also took out '4' since this is a part of the entire story, so we don't need to say that this is part of part 4. Also, I corrected the spelling of Mrs. Bhaer's name. Since Mr. Bhaer is actually the one who sent Nat, I said that Mrs. Bhaer was introducing him to the school. I also added 'new' since this is new to Nat."'
This part of "Little Men" is about Mrs. Bhaer introducing Nat to an amazing new school that doesn't even sound like a school!

There's a nurse that will give you baths, haircuts, and will tuck you in bed!
****"'I kept this the same!"'

There are also pillow fights every Saturday night!
****"'I took this part here and added it in later since the quote that comes directly after doesn't mention the pillow-fights."'

I think this is the reason why Nat thinks this a very nice school.
****"'Since I took the part out about the pillow-fights, I added 'one of the reasons' and I also added 'very' before 'nice school'."'
I think this is one of the reasons why Nat thinks that this is a nice school.

The text states, "This is Nursey Hummel, and she will give you a nice bath, and cut your hair, and make you all 'comfy,' as Rob says. That's the bath-room in there; and on Saturday nights we scrub all the little lads first, and pack them away in bed before the big ones get through singing... There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; and while simmering there, he watched the performances of the two women, who scrubbed, clean night-gowned, and bundled into bed four or five small boys, who, of course, cut up all sorts of capers during the operation, and kept everyone in a gale of merriment till they were extinguished in their beds."
****"'I changed the quotes here like I did above. I'll explain more about quotes at the end."'
The text states, "'This is Nursey Hummel, and she will give you a nice bath, and cut your hair, and make you all 'comfy,' as Rob says. That's the bath-room in there; and on Saturday nights we scrub all the little lads first, and pack them away in bed before the big ones get through singing.'.. There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; and while simmering there, he watched the performances of the two women, who scrubbed, clean night-gowned, and bundled into bed four or five small boys, who, of course, cut up all sorts of capers during the operation, and kept everyone in a gale of merriment till they were extinguished in their beds."


Like I said before, this nurse makes all the kids feel literally at home and not school.
****"'I only slightly changed this sentence to make it flow better."'
Like I said before, this nurse makes all of the kids feel like they're literally at home instead of at school.

From my experience, the nurses NEVER do this.
****"'Here I only changed 'NEVER' into lowercase italics."'
From my experience, the nurses never do this.

They only make sure you're not sick anymore and your parents pick you up but they don't give you a bath or make sure your comfy.
****"'I changed 'your parents to pick you up' to 'call your parents to pick you up' and changed 'your comfy' to 'you're comfy'."'
They only make sure you're not sick anymore and call your parents to pick you up, but they don't give you a bath or make sure you're comfy.

These nurses are working SUPER hard to make sure the children are comfortable.
****"'I changed 'SUPER' to lowercase italics here too."'
These nurses are working super hard to make sure the children are comfortable.

Furthermore, the text states," “Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,” said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks. “What a very nice school this is!” observed Nat, in a burst of admiration."
****"'I added the part about pillow-fights here before the quote and I also fixed the quotes like I did in the other two above."'
The children also get to have pillow-fights every Saturday night! The text states, “'Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,' said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks. 'What a very nice school this is!' observed Nat, in a burst of admiration."

Mrs. Bhears only want the children to have fun at the school. Also, right after she said that, Nat thought it was a very nice school.
****"'I sort of combined these two sentences. I also took out 'only' before 'want the children to have fun' because I'm sure she also wants them to learn as well. I also put 'instead of being miserable' and then added how Nat said that was nice."'
Mrs. Bhaer wants the children to have fun at the school instead of being miserable, which Nat himself said was very nice.

To sum up, Nat loves this school because of how they get pillow fights and how it's not like a normal school. Lucky him!
****"' Here I elaborated on the more on why he likes the school."'
To sum up, Nat loves this school because he finally feels cared for and he gets to have fun too. Lucky him!


Final Draft LITTLE MEN PART 4 This part of "Little Men" is about Mrs. Bhaer introducing Nat to an amazing new school that doesn't even sound like a school! There's a nurse that will give you baths, haircuts, and tuck you in bed! I think this is one of the reasons why Nat thinks that this is a nice school. The text states, "'This is Nursey Hummel, and she will give you a nice bath, and cut your hair, and make you all 'comfy,' as Rob says. That's the bath-room in there; and on Saturday nights we scrub all the little lads first, and pack them away in bed before the big ones get through singing.'.. There were two tubs, besides foot-baths, basins, douche-pipes, and all manner of contrivances for cleanliness. Nat was soon luxuriating in the other bath; and while simmering there, he watched the performances of the two women, who scrubbed, clean night-gowned, and bundled into bed four or five small boys, who, of course, cut up all sorts of capers during the operation, and kept everyone in a gale of merriment till they were extinguished in their beds." Like I said before, this nurse makes all of the kids feel like they're literally at home instead of at school. From my experience, the nurses never do this. They only make sure you're not sick anymore and call your parents to pick you up, but they don't give you a bath or make sure you're comfy. These nurses are working super hard to make sure the children are comfortable. The children also get to have pillow-fights every Saturday night! The text states, “'Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,' said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks. 'What a very nice school this is!' observed Nat, in a burst of admiration." Mrs. Bhaer wants the children to have fun at the school instead of being miserable, which Nat himself said was very nice. To sum up, Nat loves this school because he finally feels cared for and he gets to have fun too. Lucky him!

Quotes: When you quote a passage from a story or article, you put double quotes (" ") around the whole thing like this:

"Lily woke up bright and early to go to the farmer's market."

And if I want to add a part where a character is speaking, I have to put double quotes around the whole thing like normal, but I also have to put single quotes (' ') around the speaking part like this:

"Lily walked up to the man selling apples. 'How much for six apples?' she asked."

As you can see, the entire section is quoted from the story, but since a character was also speaking in this part, I had to put single quotes around what she said. Let me know if any of that is confusing.

I would like you to work on the quotation marks with what I just explained, but other than that, I don't really have anything in particular for you to work on. Great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Also, just in case if there is a Little Men 5, do I have to recap everything again? Thanks- Sirasa

Just a short recap would be good; just briefly talk about how Nat is new at Plumfield and he finally feels like he's loved and cared for instead of writing out a whole few sentences.


Original Draft LITTLE MEN 3

The whole story of "Little Men", all parts 1, 2, and 3, is about Nat finding a home in Plumfield. Mrs. Bhears was so kind enough to take him in her home with many other children that Mrs. Bhears has adopted. Meanwhile, when Nat was waiting for Mrs. Bhears at her home, he made some new friends named Daisy, Tommy, and Demi. At first, Nat was super nervous at Plumfield bt now, it feels like he's finally at home, safe and sound. Plus, Mrs. Bhears is so nice and sweet which is another reason why Nat feels at home. She makes sure the kids don't hurt him physically or mentally. She's also caring and understanding. But on part 3, the Bhears get a letter from Uncle Laurance saying that Nat has something in him which means he's special. The text states," Nat played softly to himself, forgetting everything in his delight. It was only a simple jazz type melody, such as street-musicians play, but it caught the ears of the boys at once, and silenced them, till they stood listening with surprise and pleasure." When Uncle Laurence said he's special, e was talking about his talent and passion for the violin. As you can see, everyone was astonished and amazed at how good Nat could play the violin. Furthermore, the text states," He has been a street-musician; and I found him in a cellar, mourning for his dead father, and his lost violin." I think there is something in him, and have a fancy that between us we may give this little man a lift." This was part of Uncle Laurence's letter saying that he thinks there's something special about Nat. This also gives further information about his passion for the violin because now we know he's a street musician. I think Nat has something special in him too and I hope he keeps on rocking his violin!

Corrections LITTLE MEN 3
****"'I kept this title."'

The whole story of "Little Men", all parts 1, 2, and 3, is about Nat finding a home in Plumfield.
****"'When you're writing or typing out numbers, you will usually write out numbers one through nine (one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine) and write/type the digits of numbers 10 and up (10, 11, 12,...42, 43, 44,...100,...); however, since the titles of these stories have had the digits for one, two, and three, we will keep it like that. Usually though, you would have written those out (I just thought I'd tell you for future reference). All I changed here was that I added how Nat was an orphan."'
The whole story of "Little Men", parts 1, 2, and 3, is about an orphan boy named Nat finding a home in a house called Plumfield.

Mrs. Bhears was so kind enough to take him in her home with many other children that Mrs. Bhears has adopted.
****"'For this part, I changed the spelling of Mrs. Bhaer and I added how she's the woman who owns Plumfield. I also used 'she' instead of her name again toward the end of the sentence because we've already mentioned her name once, so we don't need to do it again in the same sentence."'
The woman who owns the house, Mrs. Bhaer, was so kind to take him into her home with many other children that she has adopted.

Meanwhile, when Nat was waiting for Mrs. Bhears at her home, he made some new friends named Daisy, Tommy, and Demi.
****"'I kept this sentence the same."'

At first, Nat was super nervous at Plumfield bt now, it feels like he's finally at home, safe and sound.
****"'All I changed here was 'bt' to 'but'. I assume that was just a typo, but I wanted to point it out anyway so that you can make sure in the future to check for small mistakes like this."'
At first, Nat was super nervous at Plumfield but now, it feels like he's finally at home, safe and sound.

Plus, Mrs. Bhears is so nice and sweet which is another reason why Nat feels at home.
****"'I shortened this sentence by saying 'Mrs. Bhaer's warmth and kindness are also why' instead of 'Mrs. Bhaer is so nice and sweet which is another reason why'."'
Plus, Mrs. Bhaer's warmth and kindness are also why Nat feels so at home.

She makes sure the kids don't hurt him physically or mentally.
****"'This wording sort of suggests that the kids were mean and violent, so Mrs. Bhaer had to make sure they didn't hurt Nat. I don't think that the other kids were mean or violent, because the story didn't really say that they were total bullies, so I reworded this so that I was saying that Mrs. Bhaer was just making sure they were generally nice to Nat."'
She makes sure that the other children there are kind to him.

She's also caring and understanding.
****"'All I added here was 'very' after 'She's also'."'
She's also very caring and understanding.

But on part 3, the Bhears get a letter from Uncle Laurance saying that Nat has something in him which means he's special.
****"'Saying 'but' at the beginning of this sentence sounds like you're about to say something that will contradict what you said in the sentence before (that Mrs. Bhaer is caring and understanding), but since this sentence has nothing to do with that, I took 'but' out. I also corrected the spelling of Laurence from Laurance and added a comma after 'in him'."'
In part 3, the Bhaers get a letter from Uncle Laurence that says that Nat has something in him, which means he's special.

The text states," Nat played softly to himself, forgetting everything in his delight. It was only a simple jazz type melody, such as street-musicians play, but it caught the ears of the boys at once, and silenced them, till they stood listening with surprise and pleasure."
****"'Here I put a space between 'states,' and the quote, but the rest I kept the same."'
The text states, "Nat played softly to himself, forgetting everything in his delight. It was only a simple jazz type melody, such as street-musicians play, but it caught the ears of the boys at once, and silenced them, till they stood listening with surprise and pleasure."

When Uncle Laurence said he's special, e was talking about his talent and passion for the violin.
****"'For this part I changed 'e' to 'he' (I assume that was just a typo as well) and 'he's special' to 'Nat is special', just to remind the reader who Uncle Laurence is talking about."'
When Uncle Laurence said that Nat is special, he was talking about his talent and passion for the violin.

As you can see, everyone was astonished and amazed at how good Nat could play the violin.
****"'All I did here was take out 'As you can see,'."'
Everyone was astonished and amazed at how well Nat could play the violin.

Furthermore, the text states," He has been a street-musician; and I found him in a cellar, mourning for his dead father, and his lost violin." I think there is something in him, and have a fancy that between us we may give this little man a lift."
****"'Since this part is quoting the letter that's in the story, we have to have single quotes around it as well as double quotes."'
Furthermore, the text states, "'He has been a street-musician; and I found him in a cellar, mourning for his dead father, and his lost violin. I think there is something in him, and have a fancy that between us we may give this little man a lift.'"

This was part of Uncle Laurence's letter saying that he thinks there's something special about Nat.
****"'All I changed here was 'was' to 'is'."'
This is part of Uncle Laurence's letter saying that he thinks there's something special about Nat.

This also gives further information about his passion for the violin because now we know he's a street musician.
****"'I kept this as is."'

I think Nat has something special in him too and I hope he keeps on rocking his violin!
****"'I kept this the same too."'


Final Draft LITTLE MEN 3 The whole story of "Little Men", parts 1, 2, and 3, is about an orphan boy named Nat finding a home in a house called Plumfield. The woman who owns the house, Mrs. Bhaer, was so kind to take him into her home with many other children that she has adopted. Meanwhile, when Nat was waiting for Mrs. Bhaer at her home, he made some new friends named Daisy, Tommy, and Demi. At first, Nat was super nervous at Plumfield but now, it feels like he's finally at home, safe and sound. Plus, Mrs. Bhaer's warmth and kindness are also why Nat feels so at home. She makes sure that the other children there are kind to him. She's also very caring and understanding. In part 3, the Bhaers get a letter from Uncle Laurence that says that Nat has something in him, which means he's special. The text states, "Nat played softly to himself, forgetting everything in his delight. It was only a simple jazz type melody, such as street-musicians play, but it caught the ears of the boys at once, and silenced them, till they stood listening with surprise and pleasure." When Uncle Laurence said that Nat is special, he was talking about his talent and passion for the violin. Everyone was astonished and amazed at how well Nat could play the violin. Furthermore, the text states, "'He has been a street-musician; and I found him in a cellar, mourning for his dead father, and his lost violin. I think there is something in him, and have a fancy that between us we may give this little man a lift.'" This is part of Uncle Laurence's letter saying that he thinks there's something special about Nat. This also gives further information about his passion for the violin because now we know he's a street musician. I think Nat has something special in him too and I hope he keeps on rocking his violin!

Great job here as well! I'm glad you've started writing more context in your introduction sentences! You've improved a lot since I've started editing your paragraphs, I'm really proud! Keep up the awesome work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft LITTLE MEN 2

To recap the story, Nat, a homeless boy, was sent by Mr. Laurence to go to Plumfield to meet Mrs. Bhears or as some people call her Aunt Jo. Nat was shy and curious at first but when he met some friends and how nice Mrs. Bhears is to the kids, he instantly felt like this was him home. Mrs. Bhears owns the house and she's VERY nice to children and very welcoming and caring! The text states," 'Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say, Jack Robinson if he had wanted to try. He said 'Thank you, ma'am' ” instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had." Mrs. Bhears is caring enough that she made Nat cozy and feel at home. She also has warmth in her that Nat loves about Mrs. Bhears. She's very thoughtful about Nat and the other kids and she has trust and faith in them. Furthermore, the text states," 'This is our new boy, Nat Blake. After supper, you can say how do you do? Gently, boys, gently.'... 'Dear little souls, do let them have one day in which they can howl and racket and frolic to their hearts' content. A holiday isn't a holiday without plenty of freedom and fun; and they shall have full swing once a week,' Mrs. Bhaer used to say when prim people wondered why banister-sliding, pillow-fights, and all manner of jovial games were allowed under the once decorous roof of Plumfield." This shows A LOT about how nice, caring, and thoughtful Mrs. Bhears is. First of all, she makes sure Nat is treated right and is welcomed to the family by telling the children how to treat Nat since he's new. And second, she lets them have so much fun in the house that even neighbors have to ask what all the noise is! She lets the children throw rackets once a week, freedom, and basically let them do anything they want! That is one thoughtful and nice person!

Corrections LITTLE MEN 2
****"'I kept this title."'

To recap the story, Nat, a homeless boy, was sent by Mr. Laurence to go to Plumfield to meet Mrs. Bhears or as some people call her Aunt Jo.
****"'This is a good introduction sentence! Since we have already talked about this story, you didn't need to completely tell the reader what it's about, and you did a great job by recapping what's happened so far instead! All I changed were the spelling of Mrs. Bhaer's name (not 'Bhears') and I added a comma after 'Mrs. Bhaer' and 'call her'."'
To recap the story, Nat, a homeless boy, was sent by Mr. Laurence to go to Plumfield to meet Mrs. Bhaer, or as some children call her, Aunt Jo.

Nat was shy and curious at first but when he met some friends and how nice Mrs. Bhears is to the kids, he instantly felt like this was him home.
****"'For this sentence, I just changed the spelling of her name again (which I do throughout the paragraph, so I'm going to stop pointing it out so I'm not taking away from other corrections), added a comma after 'first' to make sure the reader doesn't feel like they're being rushed while reading, and I changed 'him home' to 'his home'."'
Nat was shy and curious at first, but when he met some friends and saw how nice Mrs. Bhaer is to the other kids, he instantly felt like this was his home.

Mrs. Bhears owns the house and she's VERY nice to children and very welcoming and caring!
****"'I kept this sentence the same."'
Mrs. Bhaer owns the house and she's VERY nice to children and very welcoming and caring!

The text states," 'Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say, Jack Robinson if he had wanted to try. He said 'Thank you, ma'am' ” instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had."
****"'All I changed here were the quotes: I separated the commas from the quotation marks so that they aren't touching (The text states, "'Wet?...) and I deleted the space between the double and single quotation marks at the beginning of the sentence ("'Wet?'...'" instead of " 'Wet?...'") I also took out the double quotation marks in the middle of the sentence after "He said 'Thank you, ma'am'" (so it says "He said 'Thank you, ma'am' instead;")."'
The text states, "'Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say, Jack Robinson if he had wanted to try. He said 'Thank you, ma'am,' instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had."

Mrs. Bhears is caring enough that she made Nat cozy and feel at home.
****"'For this part, I elaborated on what it was that she did that made Nat feel cozy and at home."'
Mrs. Bhaer was caring enough to get Nat some dry socks and slippers to make him feel cozy and at home.

She also has warmth in her that Nat loves about Mrs. Bhears.
****"'Since we just used Mrs. Bhaer's name when talking about her, I replaced her name here with 'her' so it doesn't sound repetitive."'
She also has warmth in her that Nat loves about her.

She's very thoughtful about Nat and the other kids and she has trust and faith in them.
****"'I took this sentence out because it didn't relate to the quote you used after it."'

Furthermore, the text states," 'This is our new boy, Nat Blake. After supper, you can say how do you do? Gently, boys, gently.'... 'Dear little souls, do let them have one day in which they can howl and racket and frolic to their hearts' content. A holiday isn't a holiday without plenty of freedom and fun; and they shall have full swing once a week,' Mrs. Bhaer used to say when prim people wondered why banister-sliding, pillow-fights, and all manner of jovial games were allowed under the once decorous roof of Plumfield."
****"'I changed the same thing with the quotes here as I did a few lines up."'
Furthermore, the text states, "'This is our new boy, Nat Blake. After supper, you can say how do you do? Gently, boys, gently.'... 'Dear little souls, do let them have one day in which they can howl and racket and frolic to their hearts' content. A holiday isn't a holiday without plenty of freedom and fun; and they shall have full swing once a week,' Mrs. Bhaer used to say when prim people wondered why banister-sliding, pillow-fights, and all manner of jovial games were allowed under the once decorous roof of Plumfield."

This shows A LOT about how nice, caring, and thoughtful Mrs. Bhears is.
****"'I took this sentence out because after you wrote this, you talked about how she's nice, caring, and thoughtful. Since you did that, this sentence wasn't necessary because the reader is going to pick up on how those things are evidence of how nice she is without you clarifying beforehand (I hope that makes sense)."'

First of all, she makes sure Nat is treated right and is welcomed to the family by telling the children how to treat Nat since he's new.
****"'I reworded this part a bit to add Mrs. Bhaer's name again and slightly modifying the second sentence by changing 'by telling the children how to treat Nat since he's new' to 'by telling the children to be kind to Nat since he's new'."'
First of all, Mrs. Bhaer makes sure Nat is treated right and is welcomed to the family by telling the children to be kind to Nat since he's new.

And second, she lets them have so much fun in the house that even neighbors have to ask what all the noise is!
****"'I kept this sentence as is."'

She lets the children throw rackets once a week, freedom, and basically let them do anything they want!
****"'I think that in this part, the story used the word 'racket' to mean loud noise, not literal tennis rackets, so I reworded the sentence to fit that. Also, I put 'Once a week' at the beginning of the sentence and then slightly modified the sentence in general."'
Once a week, she lets the children run around and be loud and play and do whatever they want!

That is one thoughtful and nice person!
****"'All I changed here was 'That' to 'She'."'
She is one thoughtful and nice person!


Final Draft LITTLE MEN 2 To recap the story, Nat, a homeless boy, was sent by Mr. Laurence to go to Plumfield to meet Mrs. Bhaer, or as some children call her, Aunt Jo. Nat was shy and curious at first, but when he met some friends and saw how nice Mrs. Bhaer is to the other kids, he instantly felt like this was his home. Mrs. Bhaer owns the house and she's VERY nice to children and very welcoming and caring! The text states, "'Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,' cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say, Jack Robinson if he had wanted to try. He said 'Thank you, ma'am,' instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had." Mrs. Bhaer was caring enough to get Nat some dry socks and slippers to make him feel cozy and at home. She also has warmth in her that Nat loves about her. Furthermore, the text states, "'This is our new boy, Nat Blake. After supper, you can say how do you do? Gently, boys, gently.'... 'Dear little souls, do let them have one day in which they can howl and racket and frolic to their hearts' content. A holiday isn't a holiday without plenty of freedom and fun; and they shall have full swing once a week,' Mrs. Bhaer used to say when prim people wondered why banister-sliding, pillow-fights, and all manner of jovial games were allowed under the once decorous roof of Plumfield." First of all, Mrs. Bhaer makes sure Nat is treated right and is welcomed to the family by telling the children to be kind to Nat since he's new. And second, she lets them have so much fun in the house that even neighbors have to ask what all the noise is! Once a week, she lets the children run around and be loud and play and do whatever they want! She is one thoughtful and nice person!

This was great! Your introduction was very clever - smart of you to recap! The only things for you to work on here include what I mentioned about quotes in the corrections (scroll up to see) and making sure you're reading closely so that you really understand what it is that you're going to write about. You only seemed to be confused on a couple parts (like the spelling of Mrs. Bhaer's name and the use of the word 'racket'), but it's still helpful to maybe read back over the story one extra time to make sure you know what the story is saying. Over all, great job! You're killing it! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft LITTLE MEN

Nat, a homeless ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence or as the other boys say, Uncle Laurence. Inside the house, there were MANY little boys jumping and playing around and they were having the time of their lives! When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi they became friends and that made Nat feel safer and it felt like someone actually cared about him. Everyone here calls the lady that runs the house Aunt Jo and Nat, not really knowing whats going on, is kinda confused. The text states," Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door." HE is curious and confused because he just got here and he is new to Plumfield. He is also not like the others that are lively and hyper. Nat is more mature and calm, but I bet that once he's in the house for a few weeks, he will be one of those kids, jumping around and making a mess. Furthermore, the text states," 'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.' " Since Nat is a homeless boy, he feels really happy and touched that someone cares about him and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother which is super nice of her. Lastly, the text states," 'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.' " As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle which we can figure out that they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurance are good friends with the kids.

Corrections LITTLE MEN

Nat, a homeless ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence or as the other boys say, Uncle Laurence.
****"'I added a little extra context at the beginning here. Not much, just enough to let people know that Nat and Mr. Laurence are characters in a story. I also took out the part where you said "or as the other boys say, Uncle Laurence" because I will bring up later how the children there call him Uncle Laurie."'
In the story, "Little Men", Nat is a ragged homeless boy and is sent to a house in Plumfield by a man named Mr. Laurence.

Inside the house, there were MANY little boys jumping and playing around and they were having the time of their lives!
****"' I modified the sentence by adding "When Nat arrived" to give the reader the idea what Nat saw as he was walking in for the first time. I also changed 'jumping and playing' to 'running and jumping' because I sort of felt like 'jumping' and 'playing' was the kind of similar."'
When Nat arrived, there were many little boys running and jumping around like they were having the time of their lives!

When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi they became friends and that made Nat feel safer and it felt like someone actually cared about him.
****"' I broke this sentence up into two separate sentences so it wouldn't feel like a run-on sentence. I also modified the beginning to keep the reader understanding sort of how time is moving in your paragraph/when things are happening.
After Nat arrived, he met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi. They became friends, which made Nat feel safer because it felt like someone actually cared about him.

Everyone here calls the lady that runs the house Aunt Jo and Nat, not really knowing whats going on, is kinda confused.
****"'Since you've been writing in a way that's more detached from the story, I changed 'here' to 'in the house' so that it wouldn't confuse the reader. I also shortened the sentence to make it flow better and keep the reader from getting lost."'
Everyone in the house calls the lady in charge Aunt Jo, which confuses Nat.


The text states," Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door."
****"' The only thing I changed here was keeping the quotations from touching the preceding comma (the one that comes before it) and making sure that they are touching the words inside of them."'
The text states, "Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door."

HE is curious and confused because he just got here and he is new to Plumfield.
****"' I reworded this sentence just a bit to be slightly more informative but still keep the reader engaged."'
Because Nat just arrived and is new to Plumfield, he is very curious and a bit confused with everything happening in the house.

He is also not like the others that are lively and hyper. Nat is more mature and calm, but I bet that once he's in the house for a few weeks, he will be one of those kids, jumping around and making a mess.
****"' I combined these two sentences into one sentence and modified them to move the words around."'
Nat is also unlike the other children there, who are loud and rambunctious because he is more calm and reserved; however, I bet once he's been there for a while, he'll be loud and rambunctious like them too!

Furthermore, the text states," 'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.' "
****"' Before the quote, I added just a little extra so that I could create a good transition from the last idea (the boys in the house being rambunctious) to this new idea (Nat meeting Aunt Jo)."'
Later, Nat gets to meet the lady who all of the kids call Aunt Jo. The text states, "'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.'"


Since Nat is a homeless boy, he feels really happy and touched that someone cares about him and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother which is super nice of her.
****"' I reworded this sentence just a slight bit as well just to keep the reader from getting lost."'
Since Nat has been homeless for so long, he feels really happy and touched to see that someone cares about him; Aunt Jo even lets him call her Mother, which is very sweet of her.

Lastly, the text states," 'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.' "
****"' I changed the same thing with the quotes here as I did earlier on."'
Lastly, the text states, "'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... 'Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie, and he always sends nice boys.'"

As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle which we can figure out that they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurance are good friends with the kids.
****"'I kept the idea that the children were close with Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurence, but I took out what you said about them (the children) being in Plumfield for a long time so that I could put more emphasis on how they were close. I also added an extra sentence to give a little more of a conclusion."'
All of the children in the house call the adults Uncle Laurie and Aunt Jo, so we can tell that they all must be very close. Nat will probably soon grow close with all of children and adults as well and have a wonderful time in Plumfield.


Final Draft LITTLE MEN In the story, "Little Men", Nat is a ragged homeless boy and is sent to a house in Plumfield by a man named Mr. Laurence. When Nat arrived, there were many little boys running and jumping around like they were having the time of their lives! After Nat arrived, he met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi. They became friends, which made Nat feel safer because it felt like someone actually cared about him. Everyone in the house calls the lady in charge Aunt Jo, which confuses Nat. The text states, "Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door." Because Nat just arrived and is new to Plumfield, he is very curious and a bit confused with everything happening in the house. Nat is also unlike the other children there, who are loud and rambunctious, because he is more calm and reserved; however, I bet once he's been there for a while, he'll be loud and rambunctious like them too! Later, Nat gets to meet the lady who all of the kids call Aunt Jo. The text states, "'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.'" Since Nat has been homeless for so long, he feels really happy and touched to see that someone cares about him; Aunt Jo even lets him call her Mother, which is very sweet of her. Lastly, the text states, "'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... 'Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie, and he always sends nice boys.'" All of the children in the house call the adults Uncle Laurie and Aunt Jo, so we can tell that they all must be very close. Nat will probably soon grow close with all of the children and adults as well and have a wonderful time in Plumfield.

You're doing great! I'm only having to change a few things here and there, but I do want you to make sure you're adding good conclusion sentences and keep adding that context at the beginning. I also want you to watch your sentences to make sure they're not running too long, and watch your punctuation as well (this will help with sentences feeling too long and will help keep the reader from getting confused). Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE

The story," Everything in its Right Place," is about a peddler getting revenge on the Baron for making fun of a little girl and hurting a tree too. A hundred years ago, a little girl who watches geese was minding her own business when the Baron and his horse came along. For some reason, the Baron whipped the girl but luckily, when she was about to fall in the mud, a peddler saved her from getting dirty. Now the peddler decided to get revenge by taking the Baron's goods. The text states," So he betook himself to the castle, but not into the noble hall; he was too humble for that. He went to the servants' apartments, and the men and maids examined and turned over his stock of goods, while from above, where the company was at the table, came sounds of screaming and shouting which they called singing—and indeed they did their best." The peddler really wanted to give the Baron a taste of his own medicine for whipping people randomly. Especially an innocent, small girl! So that's why he took his goods with some people helping the peddler. Furthermore, the text states, " 'That is our genealogical tree,' said the old people, 'and the tree must, therefore, be honored and esteemed, even by those who are not very wise.' "At the beginning of the story, the tree was also hurt with the little girl because since the Baron hit the girl, the branch saved her for a minute then it broke off, and that's when the peddler saved her. From then on, the branch that had been broken was stuck to the ground and the girl was happy about it. In addition, when the old people said," even by those who are not very wise," they are talking about the Baron.


Corrections EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE
****"'I kept this title."'

The story," Everything in its Right Place," is about a peddler getting revenge on the Baron for making fun of a little girl and hurting a tree too. A hundred years ago, a little girl who watches geese was minding her own business when the Baron and his horse came along.
****"' I'm so happy you've started adding context! This is great! I only changed a few small things: this is a small detail, but I changed this chunk a little bit so that the quotations weren't touching the comma at the beginning and kept the double and single quotations to make them touch (you'll see what I mean). I also moved the comma to be after the quotation marks around the title. The story also starts out saying that it all happened more than a hundred years ago, so I edited the second sentence to have that. I also added in the fact that the baron was making fun of the peddler, as well as kept the word 'baron' lowercase since it isn't a proper noun."'
The story, "Everything in its Right Place", is about a peddler getting revenge on a rich baron for making fun of him, being mean to a little girl, and hurting a tree. More than a hundred years ago, a little girl who watches geese was minding her own business when the baron and his horse came along.

For some reason, the Baron whipped the girl but luckily, when she was about to fall in the mud, a peddler saved her from getting dirty. Now the peddler decided to get revenge by taking the Baron's goods.
****"' In the story, it says that the baron used his whip to push the little girl, so although he is using his whip, he doesn't actually whip her. I also added how the little girl accidentally broke a branch off of the willow tree to connect it with how you mentioned before that the baron hurt the tree. I also took out the second sentence here because I was going to save that detail for just a little bit later."'
For some reason, the baron pushed the girl into the ditch. The little girl grabbed a branch from a willow tree to keep her from falling but ended up breaking a branch off. Luckily, when she was about to fall in the mud, a peddler saved her from getting dirty.


The text states," So he betook himself to the castle, but not into the noble hall; he was too humble for that. He went to the servants' apartments, and the men and maids examined and turned over his stock of goods, while from above, where the company was at the table, came sounds of screaming and shouting which they called singing—and indeed they did their best." The peddler really wanted to give the Baron a taste of his own medicine for whipping people randomly. Especially an innocent, small girl! So that's why he took his goods with some people helping the peddler.
****"' I changed the quote here and sort of just changed this whole chunk of the paragraph. This quote doesn't really help with how the peddler got his revenge, because it was after this part that the baron and his friends made fun of him. Instead, I used that quote, elaborated on it, and mentioned how the peddler planned to get revenge and then added the quote that explains how. After that, I elaborated a bit more. This just helps explain how the peddler was made fun of and how he got his revenge."'
After, the story said, "The peddler was sent for, but only to make fun for them." Now the baron had been mean to the little girl and made fun of the peddler, too. After this, the peddler decided to get revenge on the baron, and the story states, "Six years had not passed away before the noble baron wandered out of the castle gate a poor man, and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer." After the baron had been mean to the little girl and made fun of the peddler, the peddler worked hard and became a rich dealer. He was able to buy the baron's mansion and kick him out!

Furthermore, the text states, " 'That is our genealogical tree,' said the old people, 'and the tree must, therefore, be honored and esteemed, even by those who are not very wise.' "


****"' Before I launch into this quote, I added a little bit of context about it as well. I added the part about how the same branch that the little girl had broken is what grew into the beautiful tree and then added the quote."'
Later, the willow branch that the little girl had accidentally broken off had grown into its own beautiful tree. The text states, "'That is our genealogical tree,' said the old people, 'and the tree must, therefore, be honored and esteemed, even by those who are not very wise.'"

At the beginning of the story, the tree was also hurt with the little girl because since the Baron hit the girl, the branch saved her for a minute then it broke off, and that's when the peddler saved her.
****"'Since I added back, in the beginning, this detail about the girl grabbing the branch and breaking it, I took this sentence out here."'

From then on, the branch that had been broken was stuck to the ground and the girl was happy about it.
****"' I took this sentence out and added a sentence that instead included the entire family and elaborated on the tree."'
The tree was very important to the new family in the mansion and always reminded everyone that they had to be kind and honorable to the tree because otherwise, something bad might happen.

In addition, when the old people said," even by those who are not very wise," they are talking about the Baron.
****"'Instead of this little sentence, I elaborated a bit more to give it a better flow and make the point just a bit clearer. I also added a conclusion sentence since you didn't have one."'
Since the baron wasn't wise and was mean to his own tree, he ended up being kicked out of his own mansion by the peddler he had been mean to! It's important to always be nice to people and to nature, otherwise, we might end up like the baron!


Final Draft EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE The story, "Everything in its Right Place", is about a peddler getting revenge on a rich baron for making fun of him, being mean to a little girl, and hurting a tree. More than a hundred years ago, a little girl who watches geese was minding her own business when the baron and his horse came along. For some reason, the baron pushed the girl into the ditch. The little girl grabbed a branch from a willow tree to keep her from falling, but ended up breaking a branch off. Luckily, when she was about to fall in the mud, a peddler saved her from getting dirty. After, the story said, "The peddler was sent for, but only to make fun for them." Now the baron had been mean to the little girl and made fun of the peddler, too. After this, the peddler decided to get revenge on the baron, and the story states, "Six years had not passed away before the noble baron wandered out of the castle gate a poor man, and the mansion was bought by a rich dealer." After the baron had been mean to the little girl and made fun of the peddler, the peddler worked hard and became a rich dealer. He was able to buy the baron's mansion and kick him out! Later, the willow branch that the little girl had accidentally broken off had grown into its own beautiful tree. The text states, "'That is our genealogical tree,' said the old people, 'and the tree must, therefore, be honored and esteemed, even by those who are not very wise.'" The tree was very important to the new family in the mansion and always reminded everyone that they had to be kind and honorable to the tree because otherwise, something bad might happen. Since the baron wasn't wise and was mean to his own tree, he ended up being kicked out of his own mansion by the peddler he had been mean to! It's important to always be nice to people and to nature, otherwise, we might end up like the baron!


Sorry for not doing the context thingy and yup it's true that I forgot to read your comments XD. Sorry, and I hope this paragraph is a bit better. ^w^

That's all right! Thank you for including it this time, you did a really good job and included a lot of good information for the reader! I don't really have anything in particular for you to pay attention to or work on other than what I mentioned about quotations in my comments/corrections (also remember to add conclusions). You're doing great! Let me know if you have any questions:) Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft NEVER BE GREEDY

Since everyone thought Ali Baba was poor, when he found the gold, he wanted to keep it a secret so no one would go after him, envy him, or get caught by the robbers. The text states," The robbers stayed some time within the rock, during which Ali Baba, fearful of being caught, remained in the tree." If the robbers found out that Ali stole their gold, Ali would be in trouble so Ali realized it would be better off if he kept it a secret. Furthermore, the text states," Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life." Cassim was very greedy and jealous that he went to the robber's hideout and tries to do what Ali did but he failed miserably. Instead, he got caught and killed by the robbers. Greed can make you struggle for things you do not need so never be greedy.

Corrections NEVER BE GREEDY
****"'I kept this title."'

Since everyone thought Ali Baba was poor, when he found the gold, he wanted to keep it a secret so no one would go after him, envy him, or get caught by the robbers.
****"' Again, we have to add some context to the beginning of the paragraph so that the reader doesn't feel lost or confused. I added some background on what the story is about. I also changed your sentence a bit: when you say 'so no one would go after him, envy him, or get caught by the robbers.' it sounds like you're saying 'so no one would get caught by the robbers', which is different from how you have the first two things in this list about him. Instead, I added the part about getting caught by robbers a bit before the other two points."'
"The History of Ali Baba, and of the Forty Robbers Killed By One Slave," tells the story of a poor man named Ali Baba. One day, he saw some robbers open a rock and go inside. When they came back out and left, Ali Baba went inside the rock himself and found may riches and lots of gold. When he found the gold, he wanted to keep it a secret so he wouldn't be caught by the robbers and so that no one would go after him or envy him.

The text states," The robbers stayed some time within the rock, during which Ali Baba, fearful of being caught, remained in the tree."
****"'I didn't change anything here."'

If the robbers found out that Ali stole their gold, Ali would be in trouble so Ali realized it would be better off if he kept it a secret.
****"'Since you begin this sentence talking about Ali, we don't need to say his name two more times. You can just use the pronoun 'he' instead. Also, before we jump into the next quote about Cassim, we need to add some context about who he is and how he got into his situation first. I added a lot, but it's important to give context so the reader doesn't feel lost or confused or like you're just jumping around in the story."'
If the robbers found out that Ali stole their gold, he would be in trouble, so he realized it would be better off if he kept it a secret. However, when he got back and showed his wife, she asked her sister-in-law to borrow her measure so that she could weigh the gold. When she returned it, her sister-in-law saw that gold was at the bottom of the measure and told Cassim, her husband and Ali's brother. Cassim confronted Ali the next day. The text states, "'Ali Baba,' said he, 'I am surprised at you; you pretend to be miserably poor, and yet you measure gold. My wife found this at the bottom of the measure you borrowed yesterday.'" Ali told Cassim where the rock was and the words to say so that he could get inside. Cassim rode into the forest and went inside the rock to get his own gold, but when he wanted to leave, he had forgotten the word to open the door. The text says, "He quickly laid as many bags of gold as he could carry at the door of the cavern; but his thoughts were so full of the great riches he should possess, that he could not think of the necessary word to make it open, but instead of 'Sesame,' said, 'Open, Barley!' and was much amazed to find that the door remained fast shut. He named several sorts of grain, but still the door would not open."

Furthermore, the text states," Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life."
****"'I only changed the part before the quote here."'
Soon, the robbers arrived, the text states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life."

Cassim was very greedy and jealous that he went to the robber's hideout and tries to do what Ali did but he failed miserably.
****"' I only added a small detail about his brother and changed some of the wording."'
Cassim was very greedy and jealous of his brother, so he went to the robbers' cave to do what Ali did, but he only failed miserably.

Instead, he got caught and killed by the robbers.
****"' I only slightly modified this."'
Instead of getting gold and riches, he was caught and killed by the robbers.

Greed can make you struggle for things you do not need so never be greedy.
****"' I only slightly modified this as well."'
Greed can make you suffer over things that you don't need and can get you in bad situations, so it is important to never be greedy.


Final Draft NEVER BE GREEDY "The History of Ali Baba, and of the Forty Robbers Killed By One Slave," tells the story of a poor man named Ali Baba. One day, he saw some robbers open a rock and go inside. When they came back out and left, Ali Baba went inside the rock himself and found may riches and lots of gold. When he found the gold, he wanted to keep it a secret so he wouldn't be caught by the robbers and so that no one would go after him or envy him. The text states, "The robbers stayed some time within the rock, during which Ali Baba, fearful of being caught, remained in the tree." If the robbers found out that Ali stole their gold, he would be in trouble, so he realized it would be better off if he kept it a secret. However, when he got back and showed his wife, she asked her sister-in-law to borrow her measure so that she could weigh the gold. When she returned it, her sister-in-law saw that gold was at the bottom of the measure and told Cassim, her husband, and Ali's brother. Cassim confronted Ali the next day. The text states, "'Ali Baba,' said he, 'I am surprised at you; you pretend to be miserably poor, and yet you measure gold. My wife found this at the bottom of the measure you borrowed yesterday.'" Ali told Cassim where the rock was and the words to say so that he could get inside. Cassim rode into the forest and went inside the rock to get his own gold, but when he wanted to leave, he had forgotten the word to open the door. The text says, "He quickly laid as many bags of gold as he could carry at the door of the cavern; but his thoughts were so full of the great riches he should possess, that he could not think of the necessary word to make it open, but instead of 'Sesame,' said, 'Open, Barley!' and was much amazed to find that the door remained fast shut. He named several sorts of grain, but still the door would not open." Soon, the robbers arrived, the text states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life." Cassim was very greedy and jealous of his brother, so he went to the robbers' cave to do what Ali did, but he only failed miserably. Instead of getting gold and riches, he was caught and killed by the robbers. Greed can make you suffer over things that you don't need and can get you in bad situations, so it is important to never be greedy.

Sirasa, I feel like you're not reading my comments lately. You still aren't adding the context of what the story is at the beginning of your paragraphs. I would like for you to start working on that as well as including context throughout so that the reader feels like they are consistently filled in on the story and your argument while they're reading your paragraph. You've got this! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft THE FLAX

We know the author is using personification because flax and a paper are talking and that's an example of personification. The text states," 'People say that I look exceedingly well,' said the flax, 'and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.' " Since personification means a figure of speech where human qualities are given to animals, objects or ideas, a flax cannot talk so the author used personification in the story to make it talk. Furthermore, the text states," 'I never imagined anything like this when I was only a little blue flower growing in the fields,' said the paper. 'How could I know that I should ever be the means of bringing knowledge and joy to men?' " Like before, both the paper and the flax cannot talk so this is another example of personification and how we know the author is using personification.


Corrections THE FLAX
****"'Since the focus of this paragraph is the use of personification in the story, I included that in the title instead of using the story's title."'
Personification in "The Flax"

We know the author is using personification because flax and a paper are talking and that's an example of personification.
****"' Again, we have to include some context at the beginning of our paragraph so that the reader doesn't feel lost. I also included how only humans can talk and that's how we can tell that this is personification."'
The story "The Flax" is about a flax plant and its life. Throughout the story, we can tell that the author is using personification because the flax plant and a piece of paper are speaking. Since only humans can talk, we know that this is personification.

The text states," 'People say that I look exceedingly well,' said the flax, 'and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.' "
****"'The only thing I changed here was the space between the single and double quotations. I deleted that space because it isn't necessary."'
The text states, "'People say that I look exceedingly well,' said the flax, 'and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.'"

Since personification means a figure of speech where human qualities are given to animals, objects, or ideas, flax cannot talk so the author used personification in the story to make it talk.
****"' I slightly reworded this sentence and broke it up into two sentences. This way I was able to define personification and explain why this is an example of personification without the whole thing sounding rushed and jumbled."'
Personification is a figure of speech where human qualities are given to animals, objects, or ideas. Flax cannot talk, so we can tell that the author used personification here to make the flax talk.

Furthermore, the text states," 'I never imagined anything like this when I was only a little blue flower growing in the fields,' said the paper. 'How could I know that I should ever be the means of bringing knowledge and joy to men?' "
****"' The only thing I modified here were the quotations like in the last quote you used."'
Furthermore, the text states,"'I never imagined anything like this when I was only a little blue flower growing in the fields,' said the paper. 'How could I know that I should ever be the means of bringing knowledge and joy to men?'"

Like before, both the paper and the flax cannot talk so this is another example of personification and how we know the author is using personification.
****"' This sentence also feels a bit rushed and jumbled, so I broke it up into two sentences and reworded it a bit as well."'
As we saw before with the flax, paper can't talk either, so we know that this is another example of personification. The author uses personification in many ways in the story "The Flax" by giving a plant and a piece of paper the ability to speak, which is something only people can do.


Final Draft Personification in "The Flax" The story "The Flax" is about a flax plant and its life. Throughout the story, we can tell that the author is using personification because the flax plant and a piece of paper are speaking. Since only humans can talk, we know that this is personification. The text states, "'People say that I look exceedingly well,' said the flax, 'and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.'" Personification is a figure of speech where human qualities are given to animals, objects, or ideas. Flax cannot talk, so we can tell that the author used personification here to make the flax talk. Furthermore, the text states,"'I never imagined anything like this when I was only a little blue flower growing in the fields,' said the paper. 'How could I know that I should ever be the means of bringing knowledge and joy to men?'" Like we saw before with the flax, paper can't talk either, so we know that this is another example of personification. The author uses personification in many ways in the story "The Flax" by giving a plant and a piece of paper the ability to speak, which is something only people can do.

This time I would like you to work on giving context at the beginning of your paragraphs as well as making sure your sentences don't become too rushed or jumbled. I have been asking you to work on the context at the beginning for a bit now, so I would really appreciate it if you would start adding that. Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft THE CONCEITED APPLE BRANCH

The story is about a snobby apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are plain and unattractive until a young countess teaches him the real meaning of beauty and a lesson in humility. The text states,"' Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" As you can see, the apple branch is being harsh to the flowers and is making fun of them and humiliating them. Furthermore, the text states," Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." This is the countess also known as the sunbeam and it's trying to tell the apple branch not to be so harsh and cruel to the flowers. Never be like the apple branch whos mean, conceited, and cruel. No ones ugly and everyone's different in their own way!


Corrections THE CONCEITED APPLE BRANCH
****"'Since this is about the main idea of the story, which is to be humble and see the beauty in others, I changed the title to fit that."'
There's Beauty In Everyone

The story is about a snobby apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are plain and unattractive until a young countess teaches him the real meaning of beauty and a lesson in humility.
****"' The only thing I modified here is I added the title of the story and I changed 'young countess' to 'sunbeam'. In the story, they are actually two separate characters. The story talks about how the sunbeam "kissed the blooming apple branch and then kissed the yellow dandelion out in the fields. All were brothers, and the sunbeam kissed them—the poor flowers as well as the rich." so we can tell that he really is the sun and the story is showing us how the sun doesn't discriminate and shines on all of the plants."'
The story, "The Conceited Apple Branch", is about a snobby apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are plain and unattractive until a sunbeam teaches him the real meaning of beauty and a lesson in humility.

The text states,"' Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" As you can see, the apple branch is being harsh to the flowers and is making fun of them and humiliating them.
****"'I only made a minor change here as well - I added the fact that the branch is in the castle here, looking through a window."'
While the apple branch is looking through a window at the castle, the text says, "'Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" As you can see, the apple branch is being harsh to the dandelion flowers and is making fun of them and humiliating them.

Furthermore, the text states," Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." This is the countess also known as the sunbeam and it's trying to tell the apple branch not to be so harsh and cruel to the flowers.
****"'Here, I took out the part where you said 'the countess also known as' and added a little different wording in its place to explain what's happening at this moment in the story."'
Furthermore, the text says, "Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." As the apple branch is being rude to the dandelions, the sunbeam that shines on both the apple branch and the dandelions equally is trying to tell the apple branch that all plants are beautiful in their own way and that he shouldn't be so harsh and cruel to the flowers.

Never be like the apple branch whos mean, conceited, and cruel. No ones ugly and everyone's different in their own way!
****"'This is a good conclusion! Make sure you have apostrophes in 'who's' and 'no one's'. The only change I made here was changing 'different' to 'beautiful'."'
Never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel. No one's ugly and everyone's beautiful in their own way!


Final Draft There's Beauty In Everyone The story, "The Conceited Apple Branch", is about a snobby apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are plain and unattractive until a sunbeam teaches him the real meaning of beauty and a lesson in humility. While the apple branch is looking through a window at the castle, the text says, "'Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" As you can see, the apple branch is being harsh to the dandelion flowers and is making fun of them and humiliating them. Furthermore, the text says, "Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." As the apple branch is being rude to the dandelions, the sunbeam that shines on both the apple branch and the dandelions equally is trying to tell the apple branch that all plants are beautiful in their own way and that he shouldn't be so harsh and cruel to the flowers. Never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel. No one's ugly and everyone's beautiful in their own way!

This was great! I only had to make very minimal corrections. Great job giving context on the story at the beginning and writing good conclusion sentences! Keep killing it!



Original Draft BRAINS OVER BRAWNS The difference between the grasshopper and the leapfrog is that the leapfrog is much quieter and smarter than the grasshopper. The text states," The Leapfrog said not a word; but people said that perhaps he thought the more" Throughout this story, the leapfrog hasn't said one single word but however, the grasshopper and the flea are very talkative than the leapfrog. He also thinks more than saying anything which can also be an example of being smarter than the grasshopper because as the saying goes, "Think before you speak!" Furthermore, the text states," Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." When the King says." He has brains in his head" he's basically saying he's smart and that also shows proof of how the frog is smarter than the grasshopper because the King never said the grasshopper got brains!


Corrections BRAINS OVER BRAWNS
****"'Good title!"'

The difference between the grasshopper and the leapfrog is that the leapfrog is much quieter and smarter than the grasshopper.
****"'We have to give a little bit of background on the story before we launch right into the paragraph. This way the reader doesn't feel lost or confused. Since we briefly touch on the Flea later in the paragraph, I also included him. Also, since they capitalize Leapfrog, Grasshopper, and Flea in the story, we have to capitalize it here too."'
In the story, "The Leaping Match", a Grasshopper, a Flea and a Leapfrog compete in front of the King to see who can jump the highest, and whoever wins gets a prize. The Grasshopper and the Leapfrog are very different in a few ways. For starters, the Leapfrog is much quieter and smarter than the Grasshopper.


The text states," The Leapfrog said not a word; but people said that perhaps he thought the more" Throughout this story, the leapfrog hasn't said one single word but however, the grasshopper and the flea are very talkative than the leapfrog.
****"'The only thing I changed here was I took out 'but' before however and changed 'very talkative than' to 'quite talkative'. I took out 'but' because it's almost the same as 'however', so we don't need both. It would be like 'but but'."'
The text states, "The Leapfrog said not a word; but people said that perhaps he thought the more;" Throughout this story, the Leapfrog doesn't say a single word; however, the Grasshopper and the Flea are quite talkative.

He also thinks more than saying anything which can also be an example of being smarter than the grasshopper because as the saying goes, "Think before you speak!"
****"'I only slightly modified this."'
Since the Leapfrog thinks more than he speaks, this is a good example of being smarter than the Grasshopper because, as the saying goes, "Think before you speak!"

Furthermore, the text states," Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." When the King says." He has brains in his head" he's basically saying he's smart and that also shows proof of how the frog is smarter than the grasshopper because the King never said the grasshopper got brains!
****"'I only slightly modified this as well by kind of chopping this sentence in half to make things a little clearer."'
Furthermore, the text states, "Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." When the King says, "He has brains in his head," he's saying that the Leapfrog is intelligent, but the King doesn't say that the Grasshopper is smart! Since the Leapfrog used his brain and thought before acting, he won the contest instead of the Grasshopper, who wasn't smart and acted before thinking.



Final Draft BRAINS OVER BRAWNS In the story, "The Leaping Match", a Grasshopper, a Flea and a Leapfrog compete in front of the King to see who can jump the highest, and whoever wins gets a prize. The Grasshopper and the Leapfrog are very different in a few ways. For starters, the Leapfrog is much quieter and smarter than the Grasshopper. The text states, "The Leapfrog said not a word; but people said that perhaps he thought the more;" Throughout this story, the Leapfrog doesn't say a single word; however, the Grasshopper and the Flea are quite talkative. Since the Leapfrog thinks more than he speaks, this is a good example of being smarter than the Grasshopper because, as the saying goes, "Think before you speak!" Furthermore, the text states, "Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." When the King says, "He has brains in his head," he's saying that the Leapfrog is intelligent, but the King doesn't say that the Grasshopper is smart! Since the Leapfrog used his brain and thought before acting, he won the contest instead of the Grasshopper, who wasn't smart and acted before thinking.

The biggest thing for you to work on at the moment is adding some context about the story at the beginning of your paragraph before you really go into what the story is about. Everything else is pretty much perfect and I only have to change minor details, so the intro sentence and adding context is really the biggest thing right now. You're doing so great!:) Edited by Lainey Morris


Hahaha thank you so much again and I hope you stay safe and thank you for all the help I really appreciate it. Maybe when I go back to school my grammar skills are going to be even better because of you!

- Sirasa

Aw that makes me so happy to hear! I really appreciate your questions and the fact that you take my suggestions and use them in your writing, I can really tell! You've improved so much and it's awesome to see how hard you're working. Never be afraid to ask questions, whether to me or a teacher in any other subject! I'm always happy to help and answer any questions, you're doing awesome:) - Lainey Morris



Original Draft ABANDONED

The protagonist is Little Gerda and the antagonist is the Finland woman. The text states," The reindeer told her all about Gerda's story after having first told his own... There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland " First of all, Greda is the protagonist because she is mentioned a lot in the story, but I don't know how to show that in this response. Also, she got abandoned by the Finland woman which is another reason why Greda is the protagonist. The Finland woman is the total opposite of Greda. Greda is sweet and nice. but the Finland woman is cruel. The text states," 'Oh, I have forgotten my boots and my mittens,' cried little Gerda, as soon as she felt the cutting cold; but the reindeer dared not stop, so he ran on till he reached the bush with the red berries. Here he set Gerda down, and he kissed her, and the great bright tears trickled over the animal's cheeks; then he left her and ran back as fast as he could." This wasn't the reindeer's fault. The Finland woman forced the reindeer to do this since the reindeer and the Finland woman are friends.


Corrections ABANDONED
****"'I kept this title!"'
****"'Also, I can't promise that the corrections and suggestions here will be especially helpful because this story was really random and confusing."'

The protagonist is Little Gerda and the antagonist is the Finland woman.
****"'I just lightly reworded this to give more context about what the story is, and I also took out the part about the Finland woman and saved it for a little bit later."'
In the story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", Gerda is the protagonist.

The text states," The reindeer told her all about Gerda's story after having first told his own... There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland "
****"'I kept this mostly the same, only slightly changing the front of the sentence before the quote."'
In the story, it says that "The reindeer told her all about Gerda's story after having first told his own... There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland."

First of all, Greda is the protagonist because she is mentioned a lot in the story, but I don't know how to show that in this response. Also, she got abandoned by the Finland woman which is another reason why Greda is the protagonist.
****"'For the first sentence, I pretty much kept what you were saying (minus the part after the comma of course). As for the part about the Finland woman, I changed it and made it a separate sentence so I could use it as a segway into talking about why she's the antagonist."'
Since Gerda is mentioned the most in the story, you can tell that she's the protagonist. Since the Finland woman abandoned Gerda, you can tell that she is the antagonist.

The Finland woman is the total opposite of Greda. Greda is sweet and nice. but the Finland woman is cruel.
****"'This part I mostly just mashed into one sentence."'
The Finland woman is the total opposite of Gerda - Gerda is sweet and nice; however, the Finland woman is cruel.

The text states," 'Oh, I have forgotten my boots and my mittens,' cried little Gerda, as soon as she felt the cutting cold; but the reindeer dared not stop, so he ran on till he reached the bush with the red berries. Here he set Gerda down, and he kissed her, and the great bright tears trickled over the animal's cheeks; then he left her and ran back as fast as he could."
****"'I kept this quote and just changed the part before it."'
The story says, ,"'Oh, I have forgotten my boots and my mittens,' cried little Gerda, as soon as she felt the cutting cold; but the reindeer dared not stop, so he ran on till he reached the bush with the red berries. Here he set Gerda down, and he kissed her, and the great bright tears trickled over the animal's cheeks; then he left her and ran back as fast as he could."

This wasn't the reindeer's fault. The Finland woman forced the reindeer to do this since the reindeer and the Finland woman are friends.
****"'I also pretty much kept this too and reworded it, then added a little bit more for a conclusion."'
The reindeer didn't want to leave Gerda - it was the Finland woman who forced the reindeer to do this. Because Gerda is mentioned so much in this story, you know that she is the protagonist, and since the Finland woman has conflict with Gerda and is the opposite of her, you can tell that she is the antagonist.



Final Draft ABANDONED In the story, "The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman", Gerda is the protagonist. In the story, it says that "The reindeer told her all about Gerda's story after having first told his own... There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland." Since Gerda is mentioned the most in the story, you can tell that she's the protagonist. Since the Finland woman abandoned Gerda, you can tell that she is the antagonist. The Finalnd woman is the total opposite of Gerda - Gerda is sweet and nice; however, the Finland woman is cruel. The story says, ,"'Oh, I have forgotten my boots and my mittens,' cried little Gerda, as soon as she felt the cutting cold; but the reindeer dared not stop, so he ran on till he reached the bush with the red berries. Here he set Gerda down, and he kissed her, and the great bright tears trickled over the animal's cheeks; then he left her and ran back as fast as he could." The reindeer didn't want to leave Gerda - it was the Finland woman who forced the reindeer to do this. Because Gerda is mentioned so much in this story, you know that she is the protagonist, and since the Finland woman has conflict with Gerda and is the opposite of her, you can tell that she is the antagonist.



I just want to say the companies article I did doesn't look too good and you can tell I didn't put much effort AT ALL so sorry about that, \I'm SO sorry if it made you do so much work. Thanks for understanding btw. Sorry if I didn't do that good last time but I hope this is better at least! (Also I kinda didn't get this article so sorry if I got it all wrong -w-) Thanks- Sirasa

Haha that's okay! I hope you're all right. And yeah, this story was weird and kind of confusing for me too, so I don't blame you at all! Because of that, I didn't give you a bunch of suggestions. Honestly, I'm sorry I wasn't able to do a better job with this, it was just a weird story. Just read the ones I put in the paragraph below and keep in mind other things I've told you. You're doing great and I really appreciate you asking questions and explaining things like this, it's really helpful and let's me know that you're not just slacking off or anything (not that I think you would in the first place). Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris



COMPANIES


Company in this story means a business or a group of people operating or working in a business. The text states," 'I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?'...' I want to join.' " Since the company means a group of people, Fred asked if he could join the company because it's not full yet. Furthermore, the text states," I want to go with the company.” The words with the company are basically saying "I want to go with them" so this also means that the company is a group of people working in a business.

Corrections COMPANIE
****"'The singular version of this word is spelled 'company'. Also, I changed the title just so that it gave the reader a better idea on what this story would be about."'
Captain Benson's Company

Company in this story means a business or a group of people operating or working in a business.
****"'So in this story, company doesn't actually mean what we normally think of when we hear the word. In this case, it's actually referring to a military unit. In the military, companies usually have around 80-150 soldiers and are led by a captain (like in this story) or a major. I know it's a weird name for something in the military, but that's what company means in this story! To fit with that, I reworded this sentence."'
In this story, "The Soldier Boy", the word 'company' is referring to a military unit.

The text states," 'I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?'...' I want to join.' "
****"'When you want to quote characters, it's helpful to say who is speaking before you put the quote. I also took out the part of the quote where he says he wants to join so I could use it in my explanation next."'
In the story, Fred tells Tom, "'I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?"

Since the company means a group of people, Fred asked if he could join the company because it's not full yet.
****"'This is true, but it doesn't really add anything to your paragraph. I reworded this."'
When Tom asks what company, he explains that he wants to join Captain Benson's company.

Furthermore, the text states," I want to go with the company."
****"'I also reworded this a bit. I also added a little bit more to show that the company is a military unit."'
Fred even says, "I want to go with the company." You can tell that the company in this story is a military unit because the man who leads the company is a captain and Tom asks Fred, "Are you willing to take the oath of allegiance, and swear to sustain the flag of your country?"

The words with the company are basically saying "I want to go with them" so this also means that the company is a group of people working in a business.
****"'I reworded this too."'
It isn't clear at first, but we can come to find out that in this story, Fred wants to join the military with Tom and be in Captain Benson's company, or military unit.


Final Draft Captain Benson's Company In this story, "The Soldier Boy", the word 'company' is referring to a military unit. In the story, Fred tells Tom, "'I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?" When Tom asks what company, he explains that he wants to join Captain Benson's company. Fred even says, "I want to go with the company." You can tell that the company in this story is a military unit because the man who leads the company is a captain and Tom asks Fred, "Are you willing to take the oath of allegiance, and swear to sustain the flag of your country?" It isn't clear at first, but we can come to find out that in this story, Fred wants to join the military with Tom and be in Captain Benson's company, or military unit.

Biggest thing for this is to just read closely so you understand the story. In this context, "company" was talking about a military unit, not a business. I know company is a weird word for military stuff, but if you're ever confused, don't be afraid to ask your sister or do some light research to figure out the meaning of the word. Also don't be afraid to add more of your own words like we talked about! You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft SIMILARITIES

One boy from the story is creative and the other boy is artistic. The text states," One of the boys, while playing by a ditch, took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and[106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it." This boy took a lump of clay and turned it into a person! Isn't that creative? In addition, the text also states," It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was." Since he was a famous painter when he grew up, that means he was artistic. Both of these boys is similar somehow because they both are actually creative AND artistic! The first boy sculped a person out of clay which means he is both creative and artistic. The same goes for the second boy because he was a painter and painters can also be creative.

Corrections SIMILARITIES
****"' I changed this article just to give the reader a better idea of what this paragraph is about."'
Two Brothers and Their Similarities

One boy from the story is creative and the other boy is artistic.
****"'We need to have an introduction here first. The reader doesn't know what the story is, so we have to give them some context, even if it's just a little bit."'
In the story, there were four brothers. Two of them were close in their similarities, but they were also different.

The text states," One of the boys, while playing by a ditch, took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and[106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it."
****"'For this part, I have some more introduction with this quote since we changed the first line to give a short introduction."'
The text describes the first boy and tells how "while playing by a ditch, took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and[106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it."

This boy took a lump of clay and turned it into a person! Isn't that creative?
****"'I mostly kept this part, but added to the front that the boy was a sculptor since he was sculpting things from clay."'
The text describes the first boy and tells how "while playing by a ditch, took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and[106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it." This first brother was a sculptor, and he took a lump of clay and turned it into a person! Isn't that creative?

In addition, the text also states," It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."
****"'The reader could get confused here since there's nothing that says this part is about the second brother. So I added a detail to let the reader know that this was the second brother. I also used the entire quote to better explain what it was that cribbled and crawled in the boy's brain. This is a really long quote, but this is a time which it's okay to use this quote to explain more about the brother."'
The text describes the next brother and says, "The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers - flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."

Since he was a famous painter when he grew up, that means he was artistic.
****"'I kept this same message, but reworded the sentence a little bit."'
The second brother became a famous painter, so he must've been really artistic.

Both of these boys is similar somehow because they both are actually creative AND artistic! The first boy sculped a person out of clay which means he is both creative and artistic. The same goes for the second boy because he was a painter and painters can also be creative.
***"'I combined all three of these sentences and then added a conclusion to the end since this paragraph didn't really have one. You would also say "Both of these boys are similar", not "Both of these boys is similar", since "boys" is plural. I'm guessing "sculped" was a typo, but just in case, the word is spelled "scultped". As for the last sentence, painters are pretty much guaranteed to be creative. Since they create art, that pretty much automatically makes them creative."'
The boys were both artists, because one was a sculptor and one was a painter, so they were both very creative AND artistic. Even though the brothers had different talents, they were both very creative and artistically talented.


Final Draft Two Brothers and Their Similarities In the story, there were four brothers. Two of them were close in their similarities, but they were also different. The text describes the first boy and tells how "while playing by a ditch, took a lump of clay in his hand, then turned and[106] twisted it till it took shape and was like Jason, who went in search of the Golden Fleece and found it." This first brother was a sculptor, and he took a lump of clay and turned it into a person! Isn't that creative? The text describes the next brother and says, "The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers - flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was." The second brother became a famous painter, so he must've been really artistic. The boys were both artists, because one was a sculptor and one was a painter, so they were both very creative AND artistic. Even though the brothers had different talents, they were both very creative and artistically talented.

I see that you read this article, but I feel like you didn't put the usual amount of effort into this paragraph. I understand school is weird right now, I just finished up my finals so I was super busy. I added in my comments in the corrections some specific notes for you to read to better understand the story and some tips for the future. I hope you read them and that they help you! Edited by Lainey Morris



Original Draft THE HAPPY FAMILY

In this story, the snails were acting like humans by talking and snails can't talk so that's a human feature. The text states," And all this magnificence is food for snails—the great white snails, which grand people in olden times used to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say, "H'm, how nice!" This shows that the snails could talk which they actually can't in real life. Not English anyways. Also, the text states," "There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond." This also shows that these snails are acting like humans. like I said before, they talk which isn't real but they're acting like humans and talking English is a human feature.

Corrections THE HAPPY FAMILY
****"'Since there's not really another good title for this paragraph since you're talking about this story, using the same title here is okay."'

In this story, the snails were acting like humans by talking and snails can't talk so that's a human feature.
***"'First, we have to introduce the story and give a brief explanation on what it's about. Then we can go into talking about how the snails are similar to humans."'
The story, "The Happy Family", tells a tale about a family of snails. In the story, the snails were behaving very similarly to humans in many ways.

The text states," And all this magnificence is food for snails—the great white snails, which grand people in olden times used to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say, "H'm, how nice!" This shows that the snails could talk which they actually can't in real life. Not English anyways.
****"' Here, the quote you used is actually the humans talking about how delicious the snails were, so the snails didn't actually say this quote. Instead, I added a different quote and sort of changed up your explanation."'
Firstly, the snails are speaking, and the Mother Snails brags about how wonderful they are, saying things like, "There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond." The Mother Snail was talking with the Father Snail here, which snails can't actually do in real life (well, they can't speak English anyway).

Also, the text states," "There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond." This also shows that these snails are acting like humans.
****"'For this part, I just reworded things a bit so you don't have to say "the text states" or "this also shows". You don't necessarily have to avoid those two phrases, but I thought I would give an example anyway in case you wanted to use something different."'
The Father Snail replies to the Mother Snail, saying, "There is nothing better than what we have here, I wish for nothing beyond." This is another example of how these snails are talking and having conversations about themselves and their homes.

like I said before, they talk which isn't real but they're acting like humans and talking English is a human feature.
****"' I assumed that the lack of capitalization at the beginning of this sentence was a typo, but keep a lookout for that anyway. You would also say "speaking English" instead of "talking English". I reworded this sentence a little bit just to give it a smoother flow."'
Snails can't talk in real life - only humans do that - but in the story, the snails speak in English to each other, which makes them seem very similar to humans!


Final Draft THE HAPPY FAMILY The story, "The Happy Family", tells a tale about a family of snails. In the story, the snails were behaving very similarly to humans in many ways. Firstly, the snails are speaking, and the Mother Snails brags about how wonderful they are, saying things like, "There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Everyone must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond." The Mother Snail was talking with the Father Snail here, which snails can't actually do in real life (well, they can't speak English anyway). The Father Snail replies to the Mother Snail, saying, "There is nothing better than what we have here, I wish for nothing beyond." This is another example of how these snails are talking and having conversations about themselves and their homes. Snails can't talk in real life - only humans do that - but in the story, the snails speak in English to each other, which makes them seem very similar to humans!

Mainly for this, you just misunderstood one of the quotes, so just make sure you're reading closely and understanding the story. You'll also see I edited some things just to give you some examples of different wording in case you don't want to say "the text states" or "this shows", but you don't necessarily have to take my suggestions. Overall, good job. Keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

DON'T LET PRIDE OVERCOME YOU


In the story," The Buckwheat" the author is trying to tell us to not let pride overcome you. The text states," 'I am as valuable as any other corn,' said he, 'and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?' The buckwheat thinks he's greater than anyone else which is a bad sign in all stories and real-life situations. Also, the text states," 'Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; 'the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.' 'But I will not bend my head,' said the buckwheat...When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." As you can see, the buckwheat thought he was the smartest and the most handsome so he didn't follow the rules and died because of having too much pride. Therefore, the authors' message to us was not to let pride overcome us or else it can lead to bad things.


Corrections DON'T LET PRIDE OVERCOME YOU
****"' I like this title!"'

In the story," The Buckwheat" the author is trying to tell us to not let pride overcome you.
****"'This is a good sentence. I only modified it a little bit and then added an extra sentence for just a little more context about the story."'
In the story, "The Buckwheat", the author is trying to tell us not to let pride overcome us. The story is about a field of plants, and the buckwheat is very prideful and arrogant.


The text states," 'I am as valuable as any other corn,' said he, 'and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?' The buckwheat thinks he's greater than anyone else which is a bad sign in all stories and real-life situations.
****"'I also pretty much kept this the same, I only changed the beginning and explanation a little bit."'
In the story, the buckwheat says, "'I am as valuable as any other corn,' said he, 'and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?'" The buckwheat thinks that he is greater than everyone else, which is never a good sign for anybody, even in real-life.


Also, the text states," 'Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; 'the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.' 'But I will not bend my head,' said the buckwheat...When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."
****"'This part squeezes a lot of the story into a few sentences, so I tried to add just a little more context."'
When a storm comes, the plants tell the buckwheat to bend his head to stay safe, but the buckwheat says, "But I will not bend my head,". Later, "When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."


As you can see, the buckwheat thought he was the smartest and the most handsome so he didn't follow the rules and died because of having too much pride.
****"'I only tweaked this a little bit too, changing "rules" to "advice" and also added "arrogant" toward the beginning of the sentence."'
As you can see, the buckwheat was arrogant and thought he was the smartest and most handsome plant, so he didn't listen to the advice he was given and died because of it.

Therefore, the authors' message to us was not to let pride overcome us or else it can lead to bad things.
****"' Just a small thing, but since there is only one author, you would say "author's" instead of "authors'". I also only tweaked this a little bit too to make it a bit more effective (and kind of dramatic, but in a good way)."'
It's important that we not let our own pride overcome us, or we could end up like the buckwheat.


Final Draft DON'T LET PRIDE OVERCOME YOU In the story, "The Buckwheat", the author is trying to tell us not to let pride overcome us. The story is about a field of plants, and the buckwheat is very prideful and arrogant. In the story, the buckwheat says, "'I am as valuable as any other corn,' said he, 'and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?'" The buckwheat thinks that he is greater than everyone else, which is not a good sign for anybody, even in real-life. When a storm comes, the plants tell the buckwheat to bend his head to stay safe, but the buckwheat says, "But I will not bend my head,". Later, "When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." As you can see, the buckwheat was arrogant and thought he was the smartest and most handsome plant, so he didn't listen to the advice he was given and died because of it. It's important that we not let our own pride overcome us, or we could end up like the buckwheat.

This was awesome! Definitely your best paragraph so far. All of my corrections were minor things, but other than that it was perfect! I'm so glad you're working hard, it definitely shows! Keep up the awesome work! Edited by Lainey Morris




Original Draft

                                                                          The Little Mermaid!

The princesses were different from each other because they all had their own separate beauty and personality. The text states," They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose-leaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." Ariel is known as the little mermaid and she is the youngest and prettiest out of all her sisters. Furthermore, the text states," Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams. She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." You can tell that all the sisters are different than each other, especially Ariel. She's timid and quiet and has a different taste in designing her garden than her sisters. To sum up, ariel and her sisters are different from each other in many ways like their beauty and their personality.


Corrections The Little Mermaid!
****"'This is the same title as the story itself, but it should be okay because that's probably the only title that would work here. Plus, often times in book reports you'll title them the same title of the story."'

The princesses were different from each other because they all had their own separate beauty and personality.
****"'This is true, but first we have to introduce the story in general to the reader."'
"The Little Mermaid" is the story of a mermaid princess named Ariel.

The text states," They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose-leaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." Ariel is known as the little mermaid and she is the youngest and prettiest out of all her sisters.
****"'Here, I included the quote, but I gave a little bit more context about Ariel beforehand. Then, I just sort of reworded your explanation, but you did a really good job! I can tell that you read my comments about explaining your quotes!"'
Ariel is the youngest out of her six sisters, but she is different from the rest of them. The text says that "They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." Ariel is not only the youngest of her sisters, but she is also the prettiest.


Furthermore, the text states," Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams. She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy."
****"'Since this is such a long quote, it's good to break it up into chunks. Doing this gives you more space to add in your own words so that the reader doesn't feel like they're reading just quotes. Also, it allows you to sort of trim the quotes down so you only use what you need. You'll also notice that I have one quote stated out of order, which I usually don't do, but for this context it makes sense (you'll see what I mean)."'
Furthermore, the text says "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Most of her sisters "decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks," but Ariel was "a curious child, quiet and thoughtful" and the only decorations she had in her garden were "the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy."
****"'As you can see, I broke this quote up into four chunks so that I could add my own words and take out what I didn't think was necessary. I took out "She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful" from the original quote and moved it further down in my paragraph to give it a better flow and feel to it. I also trimmed "she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." so that I could add some of my own words before it and still get the details of the quote."'


You can tell that all the sisters are different than each other, especially Ariel.
****"'This part I just slightly reworded again. Great job with explaining your quote again!"'
You can tell that all of the sisters are different from each other, but especially Ariel.

She's timid and quiet and has a different taste in designing her garden than her sisters.
****"'I like how you have two sentences for your explanation here, that's awesome! I only added "very" in this sentence to stress how different Ariel is from her sisters."'
She's timid and quiet and has a very different taste from her sisters in designing her garden.

To sum up, ariel and her sisters are different from each other in many ways like their beauty and their personality.
****"'You didn't capitalize Ariel here, which is probably just a typo, but reading over your work once you finish will help you catch little mistakes like that. Trust me, I know it's not fun, but it has saved some of my grades before because I was able to catch some mistakes I made! For this sentence, I ended up breaking it into two. Since this was a story and not an article, it was a little more difficult to make a conclusion sentence for, but I tried to just stress how different Ariel is from her sisters again."'
Like any siblings, the six mermaid princesses are unique, but Ariel is truly unlike any of her sisters.


Final Draft The Little Mermaid! "The Little Mermaid" is the story of a mermaid princess named Ariel. Ariel is the youngest out of her six sisters, but she is different from the rest of them. The text says that "They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she had no feet, and instead of legs she had a fish's tail." Ariel is not only the youngest of her sisters, but she is also the prettiest. Furthermore, the text says "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden, where she could dig and plant just as she liked. One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid, but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Most of her sisters "decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks," but Ariel was "a curious child, quiet and thoughtful" and the only decorations she had in her garden were "the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." You can tell that all of the sisters are different from each other, but especially Ariel. She's timid and quiet and has a very different taste from her sisters in designing her garden. Like any siblings, the six mermaid princesses are unique, but Ariel is truly unlike any of her sisters.

This was awesome! I could really tell that you read my tips on explaining quotes and you did really well! I only edited them with slight revisions to boost them just a little bit more to help you along, but you did a great job! I appreciate you reading my comments and suggestions and using them when you write. The biggest thing for you to focus on is the length of your quotes, which I know can be tricky sometimes, but I wrote some extra comments in this one today that I hope will be helpful in explaining what I did, why I did it, and how I did it. If you're still sort of confused, feel free to let me know and I'll do my best to explain it better. Great work, keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris




Original Draft

                                                                                    Get Your ZZZs

During the study, what happened to the research participants had weaker brain waves and large ways of fluid were washed into the participant's brain. The text states," The scientists, who published the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle. Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." This shows what happens when you don't get enough sleep. Furthermore, the text states," Since patients with Alzheimer's have been observed to have less frequent and weaker brain waves, the researchers suspect that poor sleep in patients with neurological disorders may be impacting the brain's cleansing process and causing toxins to accumulate, eventually leading to degeneration." If you don't sleep well, this can happen as it did to the research participants. Not getting enough sleep can hurt you so it's important to get enough sleep

Corrections Get Your ZZZs
****"'I like this title, but I thought it needed to have some more enthusiasm that really grabs the reader's attention. I kept the idea of your title and just added a bit more."'
Make Sure You Get Your ZZZs!


During the study, what happened to the research participants had weaker brain waves and large ways of fluid were washed into the participant's brain.
****"'I saw that you said you had a lot of schoolwork, and I totally understand that so don't worry about it. I'm still going to edit though and add comments just so it'll help you if you need it."'
****"'So this sentence is true, but we have to first introduce the study and why there's even a study in the first place. I added a lot here, just because we had to introduce the paragraph as a whole (briefly talk about sleep so that the reader knows why there was a study on sleep), and then we had to introduce the study itself (who it was led by, what they had participants do, etc.)."'
We all know sleep is important, but do you know how important? As it turns out, "sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades." Recently, researchers have found that sleeping "for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." To study this more closely, Dr. Laura Lewis, an assistant professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University, along with a team of scientists recently conducted their own study to see for themselves. The scientists had their 13 participants "spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine." Participants were "also required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." Apparently, the "MRI machines allowed the scientists to measure the brain's blood oxygen and cerebrospinal fluid levels, while the EEG caps enabled them to monitor its electrical currents."

The text states," The scientists, who published the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle. Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion."
****"' So for this part, since we didn't mention the earlier study on the rats and baboons, we shouldn't mention it here. The reader would probably see that and be like, "What? What do rats and baboons have to do with this?" Instead, you can cut this quote in half so that you only mention the part about cerebrospinal fluid. Then, to avoid putting one long quote that's made of more than one sentence, I added a space in between quotes with some of my own words. This way, you don't look like you're just pulling from the article a bunch."'
As it turns out, the scientists discovered that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." On top of this, "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion."


This shows what happens when you don't get enough sleep.
****"' You said that you had a lot of schoolwork, so I understand that you probably weren't totally focused on this. You also always put in your best effort on these, so it's okay if you miss something every once in a while. But just to clarify, in the study, they found that while the participants slept, their brains were experiencing all of those things; however, those were all good things that the brain is supposed to do during sleep. So when you don't get enough sleep, your brain doesn't get to do all of those cleansing things, and that's when it is negative. Because of this, I deleted this sentence and rewrote one that sort of summarized the quote in my own words."'
As the participants slept, their brains were cleansing themselves with the cerebrospinal fluid because the neurons shutting off "caused less blood to flow into the brain," which allowed the fluid to wash through the brain.


Furthermore, the text states," 

Since patients with Alzheimer's have been observed to have less frequent and weaker brain waves, the researchers suspect that poor sleep in patients with neurological disorders may be impacting the brain's cleansing process and causing toxins to accumulate, eventually leading to degeneration."
****"' I assume that the line break between the quotations and the words is a typo. I just fixed that and kept the actual sentence itself."'
Furthermore, the text says that "Since patients with Alzheimer's have been observed to have less frequent and weaker brain waves, the researchers suspect that poor sleep in patients with neurological disorders may be impacting the brain's cleansing process and causing toxins to accumulate, eventually leading to degeneration."


If you don't sleep well, this can happen as it did to the research participants.
****"'So like I said earlier, what happened to the participants was good. We want that to happen to our brains, which is why we need to sleep. Because of this, I changed the sentence."'
If you don't get enough sleep, your brain might not be able to cleanse itself properly like the researchers studied, which could lead to serious damage like degeneration.

Not getting enough sleep can hurt you so it's important to get enough sleep
****"'This is true, but I just rewrote it in a way to be more enthusiastic. Also, don't forget your period in the end (although I suspect that was a typo as well)!
It might seem like a waste of time, but it's important that we all get enough sleep so that we can protect our brains and stay healthy.


Final Draft Make Sure You Get Your ZZZs! We all know sleep is important, but do you know how important? As it turns out, "sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades." Recently, researchers have found that sleeping "for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." To study this more closely, Dr. Laura Lewis, an assistant professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University, along with a team of scientists recently conducted their own study to see for themselves. The scientists had their 13 participants "spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine." Participants were "also required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." Apparently, the "MRI machines allowed the scientists to measure the brain's blood oxygen and cerebrospinal fluid levels, while the EEG caps enabled them to monitor its electrical currents." As it turns out, the scientists discovered that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." On top of this, "the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." As the participants slept, their brains were cleansing themselves with the cerebrospinal fluid because the neurons shutting off "caused less blood to flow into the brain," which allowed the fluid to wash through the brain. Furthermore, the text says that "Since patients with Alzheimer's have been observed to have less frequent and weaker brain waves, the researchers suspect that poor sleep in patients with neurological disorders may be impacting the brain's cleansing process and causing toxins to accumulate, eventually leading to degeneration." If you don't get enough sleep, your brain might not be able to cleanse itself properly like the researchers studied, which could lead to serious damage like degeneration. It might seem like a waste of time, but it's important that we all get enough sleep so that we can protect our brains and stay healthy.



Sorry if this was lame. I had a lot of assignments in my school. -Sirasa

Hey Sirasa, I totally understand that. It's finals week for me, so I have all kinds of work to do (but it's almost over, yay). If you scroll down to the end of the paragraph before this one, you'll see where I tried to explain better how to explain your quotes - I hope it helps! The comments I have for this paragraph are pretty much the same for the previous one, but I'm sure after you read what I said about explaining quotes that you'll be able to really improve there (hopefully it makes sense). I really appreciate you always putting forth your best effort and asking questions, that stuff will get you far with your teachers as you get older! Keep up the great work:) Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

Today is Earth Day and Things YOU Can do to Help Save OUR World.

Some ways we can help the earth is to repurpose trash and conserve energy. The text states," The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed." This helps the earth a lot! As the text stated, it takes very long to decompose a landfill and takes over 450 years to break down! That is a very long time. So to stop this, we can reuse things in the trash and turn it into something useful. Furthermore, the text states," Electricity doesn’t just happen—it has to be produced from things around us. A lot of times it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change. But electricity can also be made from renewable sources like wind, water, the sun, and even elephant dung! No matter where it’s coming from, try conserving electrical energy by using only what you need." This also is another way to help the earth by consuming electricity. Everything here is the least we can do to save the earth so please don't litter and pollute.


Corrections Today is Earth Day and Things YOU Can do to Help Save OUR World.
****"'Since this title is the one that was also used in the article, I changed it."'
Today is Earth Day - Here Are Things YOU Can Do to Help OUR Planet

Some ways we can help the earth is to repurpose trash and conserve energy.
****"'This is a good way to introduce these two topics, but first we have to introduce the article as a whole. Why are you writing about ways we can help the earth? Also, I separated it to where trash and conserving energy were in two different parts of the paragraph because the reader could forget that you mentioned conserving energy when you jump into it after talking about repurposing garbage."'
In honor of Earth Day, here are some ways you can help the earth: a simple way to help the earth is by repurposing trash.

The text states," The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed."
****"'Instead of saying "the text states," I changed it to a more casual way by saying "the text says that". Doing this gives your paragraph a better flow and feels less rigid. Also, I took out the last sentence of this quote since you already mentioned repurposing yourself."'
The text says that "The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter."

This helps the earth a lot! As the text stated, it takes very long to decompose a landfill and takes over 450 years to break down! That is a very long time.
****"'For this part, I sort of smushed them together to make one fluid sentence (I did remove the last sentence though). Three fairly short sentences all in a row can seem kind of choppy, and putting them together to make one or two fluid sentences can combat that. It can also make your work look cleaner and easier for the reader to read."'
Repurposing garbage like this helps the earth a lot by keeping trash that takes hundreds of years to break down out of the environment.

So to stop this, we can reuse things in the trash and turn it into something useful.
****"'This I just sort of reworded this to make it seem a little less repetitive of what you've already said about repurposing."'
It also helps you by giving you something useful!


Furthermore, the text states," Electricity doesn’t just happen—it has to be produced from things around us. A lot of times it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change. But electricity can also be made from renewable sources like wind, water, the sun, and even elephant dung! No matter where it’s coming from, try conserving electrical energy by using only what you need."
****"'For this part, I was able to just put everything into my own words instead of having one big, long quote. You could typically add small pieces of a long quote if you wanted to, but for this one I couldn't really find any good pieces to use."'
Conserving energy is also helpful to the environment. The electricity we use every day has to come from somewhere, and it usually comes from fossil fuels. Fossil fuels are things such as coal, oil, or natural gas and they all contribute to climate change.

This also is another way to help the earth by consuming electricity.
****"' I took this part out and added some suggestions for how to cut down on energy use instead."'
To fight this, turn off the lights or TV when you're not in the room.


Everything here is the least we can do to save the earth so please don't litter and pollute.
****"' I really liked this personal touch for your conclusion sentence! It does a good job of closing the paragraph while also hitting an emotional, personal point with the reader. I only touched it up a tad."'
Our earth does so much for us, the least we can do is help out where we can by doing simple things like this.


Final Draft Today is Earth Day - Here Are Things YOU Can Do to Help OUR Planet In honor of Earth Day, here are some ways you can help the earth: a simple way to help the earth is by repurposing trash. The text says that "The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter." Repurposing garbage like this helps the earth a lot by keeping trash that takes hundreds of years to break down out of the environment. It also helps you by giving you something useful! Conserving energy is also helpful to the environment. The electricity we use every day has to come from somewhere, and it usually comes from fossil fuels. Fossil fuels are things such as coal, oil, or natural gas and they all contribute to climate change. To fight this, turn off the lights or TV when you're not in the room. Our earth does so much for us, the least we can do is help out where we can by doing simple things like this.

Great job here, as usual! I always appreciate how much work you put into your paragraphs. There isn't anyone particular thing I have to harp on, mainly just read my comments and if you have any questions about them, feel free to ask! You're doing so great!


P.S. Oh and when I said that I need help, I need help explaining my quotes. I don't always want to do " This means that..." or " This shows that..." because it kinda sounds boring you know? I want to know how to fully express my quotes and I think you go to NYU (my teacher told me but I'm not sure) and my sister got a scholarship for that college and I hope you guys become besties UwU and that is an awesome college so congratulations! Anyways, is it okay if you give me some tips about how you explain your quotes? Thank you VERY much! Your edits have helped me a lot throughout this month and I really appreciate it! - Sirasa Shakya

Hey Sirasa! I just want to let you know how much it means to me that you would say those sweet things, hearing that my edits have helped you make me so happy! It also means a lot that you're asking questions - kids often underestimate the power of asking questions, but I've learned throughout the years (and especially now) that teachers love when kids ask questions. It shows that they care about their work and it makes teachers want to help you out more. Now onto your question! Explaining quotes can be kind of tricky sometimes, but I'll do my best. The best way to start explaining your quotes is to make sure you've read the article thoroughly and you understand what you've read. Then, after you've added your quote, instead of just restating what the quote itself said, link it to your own understanding of what you've read. Here's a good example I found on WikiHow:

Iago mocks himself and his feigned innocence in this speech, exclaiming "Divinity of hell! / When devils will the blackest sins put on / They do suggest at first with heavenly shows, / As I do now". Iago hates that he must play an innocent underling in his own plot, but at the same time he realizes that the easiest method to achieve his goals is to hide his true intentions under a cloak of innocence.

Okay, so that was probably from a book report someone had to write and all of the / refer to line breaks in a poem. Anyway, notice how this person started out with their own words to discuss the quote, then added the quote, and then, instead of saying something like "This means that..." or "This shows that..." they just went right into the explanation. They could've put one of those at the front of their explanation, but without it, it's more effective to the reader and it looks cleaner. So to make a long story short, a great way to explain your quotes is to add the quote, and then in your own words, write your understanding of the quote as your explanation without either of those two opening phrases you mentioned. If you have trouble writing it in your own words, you could try reading the quote and then write on a separate piece of paper (without glancing back at the quote) your own understanding of it. Hopefully, that helps! Sorry if it was confusing at all! P.S. Unfortunately, I do not go to NYU :( I go to Auburn University in Alabama (very sad for me), but tell your sister congratulations on getting into NYU! That's a huge accomplishment!


Original Draft

                      Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears

The boys are helping the seniors by shopping for them and delivering supplies. The text states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." This helps the seniors because they are too old for going around at this time. Plus, it's also easy to catch the coronavirus so the boys shopped for them. Furthermore, the text states," The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." Now we know that the grandparents also have health conditions so it's even riskier if they go out. The two boys helped thew seniors and now the whole neighborhood is doing the same thing. This saves many lives.


Corrections Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
****"'This is a great title!"'


The boys are helping the seniors by shopping for them and delivering supplies.
****"'For an opening sentence, this feels more like I started reading in the middle of the paragraph. We have to first address who the boys are, where they're from, and why they're helping the seniors."'
Montgomery Blair High School sophomores, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, from Silver Spring, Maryland, has come up with a plan to help the senior citizens and citizens with underlying health conditions during the outbreak of COVID-19. The teens came up with Teens Helping Seniors, a service project where "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."


The text states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."
****"' I broke this quote up to add a chance for my own words."'
To make sure they don't unintentionally spread the virus, the "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." They even wear gloves while they shop and deliver, "and offer curbside pickup when possible."


This helps the seniors because they are too old for going around at this time. Plus, it's also easy to catch the coronavirus so the boys shopped for them.
****"'For this part, we need can combine these two sentences to create one sentence with better flow. I also added a little extra after that."'
Senior citizens and people with underlying health conditions are more likely to get sick with coronavirus and are often unable or too afraid to go out to get necessities like food and medicine during this time. Thankfully, the teens of the community have made a way for them to get the things they need.


Furthermore, the text states," The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."
****"' This quote comes from the very beginning of the story, so it's a little too late to have it added now. Plus, we've already said this. I took this quote out because of this."'


Now we know that the grandparents also have health conditions so it's even riskier if they go out.
****"'Well, it didn't actually say that the grandparents have health conditions, it said "grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions. I took this part out too."'


The two boys helped thew seniors and now the whole neighborhood is doing the same thing.
****"' I assume that "thew" was just a typo. I also elaborated a bit more in this sentence."'
Their mission has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington D.C.


This saves many lives.
****"' This sentence doesn't really feel very conclusive, so I added to it and reworded it a bit."'
Thanks to these teens, their contributions are saving lives.


Final Draft Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears Montgomery Blair High School sophomores, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, from Silver Spring, Maryland, have come up with a plan to help the senior citizens and citizens with underlying health conditions during the outbreak of COVID-19. The teens came up with Teens Helping Seniors, a service project where "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." To make sure they don't unintentionally spread the virus, the "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." They even wear gloves while they shop and deliver, "and offer curbside pickup when possible." Senior citizens and people with underlying health conditions are more likely to get sick with COVID-19 and are oftentimes unable or too afraid to go out to get necessities like food and medicine during this time. Thankfully, the teens of the community have made a way for them to get the things they need. Their mission has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington D.C. Thanks to these teens, their contributions are saving lives.

Great title again! Just reread your work when you finish and take note of my comments. You're doing a great job! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

                      Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
 Two ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated is that people do earth day activities at home and to the world's largest digital climate conference. The text states," US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This is one way to celebrate earth day. You can get the kit and play fun games and activities for your family! Furthermore, the text states," The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference. From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government. The free five-day event, which will be live-streamed to viewers worldwide via the wedonthavetime.org website will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon." This is another way to celebrate Earth day at home. you can join the digital conference and experts will talk about Earth day. Therefore, these are two ways to celebrate Earth day at home.                    

Corrections Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
****"' You are really good at making titles! The only thing I changed here was the capitalization of "the" and "of". The word "the" is an article and the word "of" is a preposition, and in a title, articles and prepositions aren't capitalized (there are exceptions sometimes, but in this case, they are kept lowercase)."'
Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home


 Two ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated is that people do earth day activities at home and to the world's largest digital climate conference. 


****"'This is one of those things where you have to imagine that the person reading this paragraph is from Mars. Reading this, they'd probably think, "What is Earth Day? Why are these people celebrating at home?" If you have a good introduction, it reduces any chances of confusion for the reader (or the alien if they're from Mars). So what I did was I gave a short definition of Earth Day, when it is celebrated, and how it is usually celebrated. This covers the first question ("What is Earth Day?"). Next, I explained that the coronavirus outbreak is what is causing people to celebrate from home because of all of the shutdowns. This covers the second question ("Why are these people celebrating from home?"), and now you can move on to the actual story."'
Earth Day, a holiday dedicated to environmental protection, is held on April 22 every year. People celebrate this holiday by doing things such as picking up litter, planting trees, and recycling. Unfortunately, due to the outbreak of the coronavirus, shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they normally would.


The text states," US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home."
****"' It's good that you're using quotes from the story; however, it's limiting the number of your own words that are ending up in your article. Something you can do to make sure you're getting a good amount of your words it is by adding a small descriptor like, "To make sure people can still celebrate," and then going into your quote. That way, you have some of your own words in there and you're giving a good quote. I also added just a little bit more context before talking about NASA and Toolkit."'
To make sure people can still celebrate, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is joining in by "celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." Toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials that will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home."


This is one way to celebrate earth day. You can get the kit and play fun games and activities for your family!
****"'Instead of straight-up saying "This is one way to celebrate Earth Day", you can say something to combine these two sentences so that it's clear that this is one of the points you're making, but you're saying it in a way that's a little more subtle. This way the reader doesn't feel thrown off by any unintentional rigidity."'
This way, kids and adults alike will still get to celebrate the earth while they play games and have fun with their families at home!


Furthermore, the text states," The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference. From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government. The free five-day event, which will be live-streamed to viewers worldwide via the wedonthavetime.org website will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon."
****"'This is a huge chunk of information, which is good, but breaking it up into smaller chunks with your words in between will make it seem less like you're just putting the story in your story. Like I said on one of your previous drafts, breaking up parts of a quote can be helpful to have both information from the article as well as your own wording of the information (that way you don't get in trouble for copying). Look at what I do next as an example:"'
Furthermore, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This conference will last for five days, from April 20 to April 24, 2020, and will feature over 100 experts in various industries from five continents who "will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." The event is completely free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world through the website, wedonthavetime.org. The event "will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon."
****"'See what I mean? I still used the same quote, but this time I broke it up and added my own words here and there to give it a better flow. It also shows that I read the article and I can talk about it in my own words without having to quote such a large chunk of the article."'


This is another way to celebrate Earth day at home.
****"'First, both "Earth" and "Day" should be capitalized, because the whole phrase ("Earth Day") is a proper noun since it's a holiday. Usually, I take out sentences like this, but this time I kept it and then added detail about the coronavirus (since that's the reason people have to celebrate from home)."'
This is another great way for people to celebrate Earth Day at home without risking exposure to the coronavirus.


you can join the digital conference and experts will talk about Earth day.
****"'Since "you" is at the beginning of the sentence, it needs to be capitalized. Also, I mostly kept this sentence with the brief addition of a few details that we've already discussed."'
You can join the digital conference and listen to the experts talk about Earth Day, climate, and many other interesting topics.


Therefore, these are two ways to celebrate Earth day at home.
****"'This is true, but let's write something that explains this same idea while also being a little more enthusiastic to make a great conclusion sentence."'
Isolation isn't fun, but you can still have a good time this Earth Day with these two awesome platforms!


Final Draft Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home Earth Day, a holiday dedicated to environmental protection, is held on April 22 every year. People celebrate this holiday by doing things such as picking up litter, planting trees, and recycling. Unfortunately, due to the outbreak of the coronavirus, shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they normally would. To make sure people can still celebrate, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is joining in by "celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." The toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials that will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This way, kids and adults alike will still get to celebrate the earth while they play games and have fun with their families at home! Furthermore, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This conference will last for five days, from April 20 to April 24, 2020, and will feature over 100 experts in different industries from five continents who "will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." The event is completely free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world through the website, wedonthavetime.org. The event "will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon." This is another great way for people to celebrate Earth Day at home without risking exposure to coronavirus. You can join the digital conference and listen to the experts talk about Earth Day, climate, and many other interesting topics. Isolation isn't fun, but you can still have a good time this Earth Day with these two awesome platforms!

Great work here, you're killing it with the titles! I'm always impressed with what you come up with. Most of your mistakes seem to be random, careless errors that you probably don't usually make. Reading over your paragraph when you finish writing it is a good way to double-check for those things. Just make sure you're reading my comments and taking note of my suggestions and I'm sure you'll improve in no time! Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft

                          Passionate can equal to success

Some accomplishments that William Winslow achieved was that he told people to give kids food, he collected 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000, and he helped kids get access to food. In the text, it states, "There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." He was kind and passionate enough to do this. Also, the text states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This shows that he's helping to end childhood hunger. William is very kind enough to do this and we all appreciate his passion for saving children from starving.

Corrections

   Passionate can equal to success


****"' You always have such great titles! I only changed it a tiny bit."'
Passion Can Equal Success


Some accomplishments that William Winslow achieved was that he told people to give kids food, he collected 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000, and he helped kids get access to food.
****"'Who is William Winslow? Why did he tell people to give kids food? How did he get all this money? Give some context first in your introduction sentence before diving into the more detailed stuff."'
William Winslow, a 14-year-old from North Carolina, has had a passion for ending childhood hunger since he was in first grade.


In the text, it states, "There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
****"'For this part, I added more context around it (why he talked the shoppers into buying food, where he was, etc.)"'
After he learned that "as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger - including some of his classmates.", William convinced his mom to take him to their local Food Lion, where he talked other shoppers into buying "1,400 pounds worth" of food "to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."

He was kind and passionate enough to do this.
****"'We can tell from reading about his actions that he is kind and passionate, so we don't need to clearly state it. Because of this, I deleted this sentence."'


Also, the text states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."
****"'In this part, I added some of my own words plus the quote."'
It's been seven years, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."


This shows that he's helping to end childhood hunger.
****"' Again, we can tell from reading that he's doing his part to help end childhood hunger, so I took this sentence out too."'


William is very kind enough to do this and we all appreciate his passion for saving children from starving.
****"' I reworded this sentence to still highlight our appreciation for William while making the sentence good for the conclusion."'
At the young age of 14, William has already done so much for his community and his passion for ending childhood hunger is an inspiration to us all.


Final Draft Passion Can Equal Success William Winslow, a 14-year-old from North Carolina, has had a passion for ending childhood hunger since he was in first grade. After he learned that "as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger - including some of his classmates.", William convinced his mom to take him to their local Food Lion, where he talked other shoppers into buying "1,400 pounds worth" of food "to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." It's been seven years, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." At the young age of 14, William has already done so much for his community and his passion for ending childhood hunger is an inspiration to us all.

Keep up the good work, don't be afraid to ask anyone for help. You're doing a great job! Edited by Lainey Morris

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Original Draft

       ---I don't know what to put for a title -w-   
       Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation. Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'mes midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo." This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy. To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article. 
   I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ


Corrections

    ---I don't know what to put for a title -w-   


****"'That's okay! Sometimes writer's block makes it difficult to come up with a title. I'll help you out!"'
Avatar Robots: the Remote Experience


       Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. 


****"' I think when you said "then" here it was just a typo, but for future reference, going back over your paragraph and reading it again is a good way to check for mistakes you may have made. Also, instead of explicitly saying that there are two events, go ahead and tell the reader what they are. Another thing: make this opening sentence just a little more introductory by adding context (why are there robots? Why are students graduating online?)."'
Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, students of Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo weren't able to attend their graduation ceremonies in person. Thankfully, professor Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to allow these students to experience their graduation remotely.


In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom."
****"'For this part, I reworded things a bit so that the more important things stood out, like the date and the place. Then, I combined it with a quote about the actual ceremony."'
On March 28, 2020, at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president."


This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation.
****"' Usually, the reader can pick up on what you're saying without you having to say "this shows...". For this reason, I deleted this sentence."'

Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'mes midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo."
****"'Since this is a long quote, I only used the most important parts where I used it above: the parts about what the robots wore, how they received the diploma, and who gave the diploma."'
These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president."


This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy.
****"'This is another instance where the reader knows what's going on, so we don't need to tell them again. Instead, add some more details about the rest of the story that wasn't about the graduation."'
ANA Holdings, the company responsible for creating these robots, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station." Thanks to these robots, people with mobility issues will be able to have fun, and doctors will be able to help those in need.


To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article.
****"'This sentence isn't really conclusive. Instead, say a short sentence about the robots in particular to make a good conclusion."'
These new avatar robots will certainly do amazing things in the future.

   I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ


****"'Yes! I would love to! What do you need?"'


Final Draft Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, students of Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo weren't able to attend their graduation ceremonies in person. Thankfully, professor Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to allow these students to experience their graduation remotely. On March 28, 2020, at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president." ANA Holdings, the company responsible for creating these robots, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station." Thanks to these robots, people with mobility issues will be able to have fun, and doctors will be able to help those in need. These new avatar robots will certainly do amazing things in the future.

A helpful tip: you don't always have to use an entire quote - you can use just the part you need. For example, let's say an article said "Harry Styles was a baker in high school. He liked baking bread, cupcakes, and other pastries. When he was 16, he auditioned for the X-Factor with the song 'Isn't She Lovely', where he ended up meeting Simon Cowell, who put him in the group that became One Direction." If I was writing about the members of the band One Direction, I might not need the part about what song Harry Styles sang. So, if I just wanted to include his age and how he met Simon Cowell, I could say "When Harry Styles was 16, 'he auditioned for the X-Factor,". Thanks to his audition, 'he ended up meeting Simon Cowell, who put him in the group that became One Direction.'" See how I didn't use that entire quote? I only used the parts that I needed. I used short snips of sentences, but I included them with the flow of my sentence so that what I was saying led into the quote (ex. Sally said that she would "love to go see One Direction" but she doesn't have time.) Using really long quotes might make the reader get bored with what you're saying, so using your own words + short snips of quotes will keep them awake and paying attention to what you're saying. Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's difficult to explain this without talking out loud! You're doing really well! I always look forward to reading your paragraphs because I can tell how much effort you put into them. I think as long as you double-check your work for random mistakes, you'll be great! You're doing a great job now, too. I hope what I said above was helpful, keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris

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Original Draft Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!

   If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes. They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut. The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut. You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics. Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader. That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more. It's not as easy as you think!


Corrections Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!
****"'This is an awesome title! I didn't change it at all. Great job!"'

   If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes. 


****"'Since this sentence isn't very introductory, I added some more introduction and, in a separate sentence, went ahead and added the quote from the article about planes."'
Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."


They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut.
****"' For this part, I sort of kept part of it, but then added in the quote from the article about teamwork."'
Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."


The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
****"' This part would've been better after your first sentence since it doesn't relate to being social. Since I already used this quote earlier though, I took it out here."'


Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut.
****"' From reading this paragraph, the reader knows that these are examples of experience needed to become an astronaut. I removed this part because of that."'


You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics.
****"' Here, I sort of rewrote the sentence and added in the quote about having a master's degree in STEM. Also, since the quote about flying already says other work experience is also accepted, I took the part about not needing experience flying a plane out."'


Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
****"'Since I already used this quote earlier, I took it out here."'


Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader.
****"' This was basically already stated in the quote above, so I took this part out as well."'


That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more.
****"'For this part, since we already mentioned the master's degree in STEM, I took that part out and just included the quote about the eyesight and being in good physical shape."'
On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape."


It's not as easy as you think!
****"' I kept this sentence, but I wrote some extra stuff for some more conclusion and used your part at the very end."'
Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!


Final Draft Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy! Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." You might think that you need an engineering degree, but you could get "a master's degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math)." So if engineering isn't your strong suit, don't worry! A master's degree in any STEM field is accepted. On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape." Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!

This was some good work! Just make sure you're not repeating yourself and the article by saying one thing and then adding the quote that says it again after it. Also, be mindful of the order that you put your quotes - if your quote doesn't match with the sentence you wrote before it, it won't make much sense. Just read back over your work when you finish and it'll help you avoid easy mistakes. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris


Original Draft Who'll win this fight?"

      The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo. In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year. Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' " This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion. Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.

Corrections
Who'll win this fight?"
****"'Nice title! However, I wouldn't describe what's happening between the mayor and the governor as a fight. Instead, maybe some sort of tense disagreement."'
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo


      The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo. 


****"'Okay, for this sentence, we need a little more context. Assume that the reader is from Mars - who are these people? Where are they from? What are they disagreeing about? We need to know what happened first before we go into the fact that they disagree. For this reason, I added the context and an extra sentence to show that Cuomo has an opposing opinion instead of explicitly saying it."'
On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature".

In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
****"'For this part, I kept the quote, but I broke it up so that it would be in two separate sentences. This way, it's easier to read and easier to identify the reasoning for the mayor's decision as well as the negative consequences of his decision."'
Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."


This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year.
****"'Since Mayor de Blasio himself did not say this, I took this part out. Also, note that his last name is "de Blasio", not "De Blasio" (the "de" is not capitalized)."'


Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' "
****"'In this part, I added some more context as for why the mayor wishes to keep schools closed before adding the governor's take on this wish."'
Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated."


This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion.
****"'Since we have a quote from the governor that clearly expresses that this is his side, we don't need to say that this shows his side. Because of this, I took the first sentence out. I also took out the second sentence because the reader can tell what Cuomo is saying by reading the quote, so we don't need to restate it."'


Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.
****"' The prompt for this article wasn't to identify how many opposing sides there are but to identify what they are instead. Because of this, I reworded this sentence."'
As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.



Final Draft
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature". Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated." As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.

This was a pretty good paragraph, you have really great potential and I can tell that you're a good writer! I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and take my comments and corrections into consideration, you'll improve quickly! Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris



'Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback

Two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because they are one of the first species and important to the ecosystem. In the text it states," ' Salamanders are one of the first species many of us encounter as kids,' noted Scott McDaniel, director of the Susquehannock Wildlife Society in Darlington. 'Their seemingly smiling faces and bright colors excite the imagination as you flip a rock over or roll a log to find such a unique treasure hiding underneath.' ” As you can see these Eastern Tiger Salamanders ate one of the first species. Scott McDaniel said that they have smiling faces and that their bright colors excite us. Furthermore, the text states, "Like other amphibians, tiger salamanders are important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organisms and prey for larger creatures. Since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs, and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habitat." This shows how important that salamander is and it made a comeback to Maryland c. Therefore, these are two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamander is reappearing in Maryland.




                                                                                                               " A REAL MOON?"
                                                                                                    
    Super moons are different from the regular moons we see because they are brighter and bigger. In the text of how they are bigger, it states," Supermoons, which are usually about seven percent bigger." This is proof of how a supermoon is bigger. It is bigger than the regular moons we see. Furthermore, for how a supermoon is brighter the text states," ...and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon." As you can see, this is also proof of how a supermoon is brighter than regular moons. Therefore, this is how Supermoons are different than regular moons.




                                          " SOCIAL DISTANCING"
  
The negative reason for practicing social distancing is that it might be hard since when you get on a train, for example, there's a lot of people and the positive reason is that you won't get sick or catch the coronavirus. For the negative reason, the text states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators. Going to the bank or grocery store can also be hard. In these cases, social distancing means simply doing the best you can." This means that it can be difficult to stay 6 feet apart because there are so many people like I said before." Next, for the positive reason, the text states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance' whenever possible." This means that social distancing helps because it helps limit the virus and if you don't do social distancing, you might as well have the flu and, who knows, maybe you might have the virus!


                                                                                                                       "A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC GOES A LONG WAY!"
        JK Rowling thinks that children will take an interest in her new webpage and she thinks that they will have fun. In the text, it states," Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This shows that JK Rowling's webpage is working to keep children interested. The text also states," 'Harry Potter' author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic." This is another way of saying that she thinks children will have fun in her new webpage. Therefore, this is how JK Rowling thinks that her webpage will help children.
                                                                                                                           " POSTPONING OLYMPICS?!"
       
         Two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations is that’s this was the first time that the Olympics have been suspended and it causes headaches and heartaches. In the text, it states,” It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer.” This shows that people have these aches for only postponing the 2020 Olympics. Furthermore, the text states,” While the Olympics have previously been canceled during periods of war, and complicated by boycotts, this is the first time they have ever been suspended.” This shows that the Olympics were suspended. Therefore, these are negative effects when they postponed the Olympics 2020
                                                                                                                       " IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES"
       
         Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons. In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together." I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity. Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents." This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination. To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.
                                                                                                                          " HOW DO YOU LEARN?"

       Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective. In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective." Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that. In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.

                                                                                                                         " LET'S AVOID COVID-19"
     
         In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds." This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head.  Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially.  In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.” This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either.  Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!


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    • SVA - Subject Verb Agreement

Where’s your Title? Sample Title: It’s All Fun and Games

       Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons. 

- SVA: Activities is a plural noun, so instead of using “is” which is singular, you should use “are” - Sample sentence: Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons.

In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. - Typo/ Unnecessary period. “...together(.) through Skype or Zoom - No need to reference the text. Just state in your own why these games might be fun. - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom.


In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together." -Duplicate Sentence. Unnecessary

I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity. 

- Good, just minor stylistic changes made to your sentence. Maybe tie this in with your previous sentence - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play.

Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents."

- No need to reference the text. Just state in your own words why you think D&D might be fun - Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because ________________ (your own reason)

This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination.

-Tie this sentence to the previous sentence to create your “reason” for why it sounds really fun -Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it.

To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.

- Your concluding sentence is lacking the reason why these activities might seem fun to you. - Sample Sentence: These two activities will keep me occupied and will provide a lot of fun times!

Article Edited: It’s All Fun and Games

Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons. Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. _______________________________________________________

Where’s your title? - Sample Title: How Do You Learn?

Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective. 

- The idea of your sentence is lost. - Are you trying to make the point that online studying is best because productivity is more effective? OR - Are you trying to emphasize the different ways to best learn online - Sample Sentence: Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective.

In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." - State this is in your own words. - Sample Sentence: Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course.

This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. - No need for “This shows that”, It enables redundancy - Sample Sentence: When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier.

Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective."

- Paraphrase what the text states - Sample Sentence: Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space.

Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that.

- Parallel structures are lost with the nouns of the sentence - “Students” does not equal “you”, Instead use “they” to refer back to the students - Sample Sentence: Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective.

In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.

- No need for the “in conclusion” since it is already your concluding thought. - Grammatical typo: “and that was some ways” - Reiterate your concluding point more cohesively. - Sample Sentence: Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.

Article edited How Do You Learn?

Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective. Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course. When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier. Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space. Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective. Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.

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Where’s your title? Sample Title: Let’s Avoid COVID-19

In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. - Good, edited for stylistic preferences - Sample Sentence: In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs.

The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds."

This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head.

- Tie the two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet!

Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially.

- Good. Combine the sentences to create a more solid point. - Sample Sentence: Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth.

In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.”

This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either.



- Tie these two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid.

Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!

- Nice concluding statement. - Reiterate why these two preventative actions are important though - Sample Sentence: Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!

Article Edit: Let’s Avoid COVID-19 In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs. It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet! Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth. It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid. Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!