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Phentsok Sangmo:
When you drink coffee every day, this is what happens to your body

***Title's a little long. Let's try: What Happens When You Drink Coffee Every Day

Original Article

There are many effects when drinking coffee every day, some can be bad and some can be good. When you drink a lot of coffee every day, it makes you addicted to caffeine,when you feel down in the morning, you can drink coffee to brighten your day, but you will get addicted to it, in a negative way. A positive thing about drinking coffee is that you will be more alert about your surroundings and become less depressed. There could be a chance that if you drink coffee everyday, you could lose weight.Another positive thing about coffee is that it could help you live longer and can help you have a healthy life, it can also lower the risk of getting into the 2 stage of diabetes.

Source:https://www.thelist.com/182596/when-you-drink-coffee-every-day-this-is-what-happens-to-your-body/.

The Edits

There are many effects when drinking coffee every day, some can be bad and some can be good.

***Small edits: There are many effects that come with drinking coffee every day, some good and some bad.

When you drink a lot of coffee every day, it makes you addicted to caffeine,when you feel down in the morning, you can drink coffee to brighten your day, but you will get addicted to it, in a negative way.

***This is a long sentence; let's divide it into two sentences: Drinking coffee every day makes you addicted to caffeine. Coffee can make mornings easier, but there's likely change that you will become addicted to it.

A positive thing about drinking coffee is that you will be more alert about your surroundings and become less depressed.

***Small edits: A positive thing about drinking coffee is that you will be more alert with your surroundings.

There could be a chance that if you drink coffee everyday, you could lose weight.

***Let's say: In addition, if drink coffee every day, there's a possibility that you will lose weight.

Another positive thing about coffee is that it could help you live longer and can help you have a healthy life, it can also lower the risk of getting into the 2 stage of diabetes.

***Spacing issue: make sure to hit the space bar as you are about to write another sentence. Again, this is a pretty long sentence. Edited sentence: Another positive thing about coffee is that it can help you live longer and lower the risk of stage 2 diabetes.

Final Edits

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



How to Build a Sandcastle

***Good title; short and sweet!

Original Article

There are many people in the world that are experts at making the best and the tallest sand castles. The reason why some people is able to make cool sand castles is not only just because of their skills, it is also because they are compaction about their abilities. They are able to make cool sand castles also because of the tools that they use, they use a palette knife to carve the image of their sand castle on the sand.Another reason or way that they want to always attain the shadow of their castle, and you might want to start making your sand castle early because you don't want the sunlight to hit you castle when taking a picture of it. And making mistakes is fine as well, because when it comes to making a perfect sandcastle, you will always make mistakes while making it but that mistake will help you get better.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/how-build-sandcastle-180975406/.

The Edits

There are many people in the world that are experts at making the best and the tallest sand castles.

***Small edits: There are many people in the world that are experts at making the best sand castles.

The reason why some people is able to make cool sand castles is not only just because of their skills, it is also because they are compaction about their abilities.

***Let's use the word 'passionate' and not 'compaction'. Edited sentence altogether: The reason why these individuals are able to create these amazing sand castles is because of their skills and passion.

They are able to make cool sand castles also because of the tools that they use, they use a palette knife to carve the image of their sand castle on the sand.

***Let's say: In order to create the sand castles, these experts use a palette knife to carve the image of their sand castle.

Another reason or way that they want to always attain the shadow of their castle, and you might want to start making your sand castle early because you don't want the sunlight to hit you castle when taking a picture of it.

***Make sure to hit the space bar before starting another sentence. Also, I think we can simplify this sentence a lot! Let's try: These individuals want to attain the shadow of their castle and make sure to take a picture of it earlier in the day.

And making mistakes is fine as well, because when it comes to making a perfect sandcastle, you will always make mistakes while making it but that mistake will help you get better.

***Edited sentence: Making mistakes is okay because when it comes to making a perfect sandcastle, mistakes are inevitable!

Final Edits

There are many people in the world that are experts at making the best sand castles. The reason why these individuals are able to create these amazing sand castles is because of their skills and passion. In order to create the sand castles, these experts use a palette knife to carve the image of their sand castle. These individuals want to attain the shadow of their castle and make sure to take a picture of it earlier in the day. Making mistakes is okay because when it comes to making a perfect sandcastle, mistakes are inevitable!

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



Launching Hope to Mars

***Good title.

Original Article

There are many people who are trying to get to mars. In United States, Russia, and the European space agency tried to get to mars but always end up failing.Now there is a new kind of mission called Hope,another way of saying Hope is Emirates Mars Mission, it launched on July 19, 2020. This new mission will study the weather of mars and how the planet works, these information can help us know more about other planets, even earth. Mars is a very important planet that the humans want to target and learn more about,that is why all the agency are getting together at Mars science community to make sure that all the missions to mars helps us understand more about it.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/blogs/air-space-museum/2020/07/22/launching-hope-mars/.

The Edits

There are many people who are trying to get to mars.

***This sentence looks good, but let's make sure to capitalize the 'm' in Mars!

In United States, Russia, and the European space agency tried to get to mars but always end up failing.

***Let's say: The United States, Russia, and Europe have all tried to get to Mars, but ended up failing.

Now there is a new kind of mission called Hope,another way of saying Hope is Emirates Mars Mission, it launched on July 19, 2020.

***Let's make sure to hit the space bar before starting another sentence. Edited sentence: Now, there is a new kind of mission called "Hope", which launched on July 19th, 2020.

This new mission will study the weather of mars and how the planet works, these information can help us know more about other planets, even earth.

***Let's make sure we capitalize the first letter of planet names (Mars, Earth, Venus, Mercury, etc.). Edited sentence: This new mission will study the weather of Mars and how the planet works, as well as lend new information that will help us learn more about other planets, including Earth.

Mars is a very important planet that the humans want to target and learn more about,that is why all the agency are getting together at Mars science community to make sure that all the missions to mars helps us understand more about it.

***This sentence is a bit lengthy. Let's try: Mars is a planet that humans want to learn more about, which is why space agencies across the globe are getting together; they want to ensure that all missions to Mars will help us understand more about it.

Final Edits

There are many people who are trying to get to Mars. The United States, Russia, and Europe have all tried to get to Mars, but ended up failing. Now, there is a new kind of mission called "Hope", which launched on July 19th, 2020. This new mission will study the weather of Mars and how the planet works, as well as lend new information that will help us learn more about other planets, including Earth. Mars is a planet that humans want to learn more about, which is why space agencies across the globe are getting together; they want to ensure that all missions to Mars will help us understand more about it.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



ARTIST BISA BUTLER STITCHES TOGETHER THE AFRICAN AMERICAN EXPERIENCE

***We don't want the title to be all capitalized. It should look like: Artist Bisa Butler Stitches Together the African American Experience

Original Article

There is a lot to know about the artist BISA BUTLER. She is know for her creative art works,she adds portraiture and quilting into her art works. All of her art work represents black identity, all her work represents about the history, back then when there was racial inequity. Bisa Butler went to Howard University to learn painting, then she got her masters in arts at Montclair State University.She worked so long as an high school art teacher, and she always quilted at night, now she is in her 40's.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/bisa-butler-stitches-together-quilts-african-american-experience-180975397/.

The Edits

There is a lot to know about the artist BISA BUTLER.

***The name Bisa Butler doesn't need to be in all caps.

She is know for her creative art works,she adds portraiture and quilting into her art works.

***Edited sentence: She is known for adding portraiture and quilting into her work.

All of her art work represents black identity, all her work represents about the history, back then when there was racial inequity.

***Let's simplify: All of her work represents black history and identity.

Bisa Butler went to Howard University to learn painting, then she got her master's in arts at Montclair State University.

***This looks good! I just added an apostrophe to 'masters' :).

She worked so long as an high school art teacher, and she always quilted at night, now she is in her 40's.

***Small edits: She worked as a high school art teacher and quilted at night. Butler is now in her 40s.

Final Edits

There is a lot to know about the artist Bisa Butler. She is known for adding portraiture and quilting into her work. All of her work represents black history and identity. Bisa Butler went to Howard University to learn painting, then she got her master’s in arts at Montclair State University. She worked as a high school art teacher and quilted at night. Butler is now in her 40s.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



How Dinosaurs Raised Their Young

***Nice title.

Original Article

There are a lot to learn about the dinosaurs and about their youngs. Dinosaurs lay eggs instead of a living animal.No one knows if the dinosaur parents guard their eggs or just leave it behind. The dinosaurs eggs take months to hatch, in research it shows how dinosaurs were very obsessed with their eggs. Dinosaurs with long necks intend to lay their eggs and leave them just like turtles do, but they do burry it to keep it safe. Each and every different kind of dinosaurs have their own ways of taking care of their youngs and eggs.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/dinosaurs-parents-new-egg-discovery-180975361/.

There are a lot to learn about the dinosaurs and about their youngs.

***Small edit: There is a lot to learn about dinosaurs and their young.

Dinosaurs lay eggs instead of a living animal.

***Small edits: Compared to other living animals, dinosaurs lay eggs.

No one knows if the dinosaur parents guard their eggs or just leave it behind.

***Make sure you hit the space bar before starting another sentence. Edited sentence: To this day, no one knows if dinosaurs guarded their eggs or just left them behind.

The dinosaurs eggs take months to hatch, in research it shows how dinosaurs were very obsessed with their eggs.

***Edited sentence: Research shows that dinosaurs were obsessed with their eggs; eggs that took months to hatch.

Dinosaurs with long necks intend to lay their eggs and leave them just like turtles do, but they do burry it to keep it safe.

***Let's simplify: Just like turtles, dinosaurs with long necks laid and buried their eggs.

Each and every different kind of dinosaurs have their own ways of taking care of their youngs and eggs.

***Because dinosaurs are extinct, we want to make sure we're writing the past tense. Edited sentence: Each and every different kind of dinosaur had their own way of taking care of their young.

Final Edits

There is a lot to learn about dinosaurs and their young. Compared to other living animals, dinosaurs lay eggs. To this day, no one knows if dinosaurs guarded their eggs or just left them behind. Research shows that dinosaurs were obsessed with their eggs; eggs that took months to hatch. Just like turtles, dinosaurs with long necks laid and buried their eggs. Each and every different kind of dinosaur had their own way of taking care of their young.



Why Bigfoot and the ‘Abominable Snowman’ Loom Large in the Human Imagination

***Good title. It's pretty long, but still good.

Original Article

People in may tales about the BigFoot, it can be common for people who live near a forest to say they saw bigfoot, and in story i will tell you about man who actually saw bigfoot and was attacked by it. There was a man named Jenkins, he lived in California,the action took place just on the edge of a vast coastal redwood forest near his home. One day he heard that his dogs were barking, so he went out to check what the commotion was all about. And then that's when he saw a chest and shoulders above a 6-foot-high fence,“It was much, much bigger than a bear,” he later recalled. “It was covered with fur, with a flat, hairless face and perfectly round eyes.”said Jenkins. He ran back inside and then told the host and they all went out to search for the creature, thats when Hatfield ran straight to the thing and the thing knocked him down. That is when the thing started to attack them, they quickly ran to the house trying to close the door but the thing wouldn't let them, then Jenkins said that he was going to get his gun and that is when the thing got scared and ran back into the forest.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/why-bigfoot-and-abominable-snowman-loom-large-human-imagination-180975365/.

The Edits

People in may tales about the BigFoot, it can be common for people who live near a forest to say they saw bigfoot, and in story i will tell you about man who actually saw bigfoot and was attacked by it.

***Let's delete the first half of the sentence and say: It's common for people who live near a forest to say that they've seen Bigfoot; in fact, there is a man who said that he saw Bigfoot and was attacked by it.

There was a man named Jenkins, he lived in California,the action took place just on the edge of a vast coastal redwood forest near his home.

***Edited sentence: A man named Jenkins, who lived in California, said the action took place on the edge of a vast coastal redwood forest near his home.

One day he heard that his dogs were barking, so he went out to check what the commotion was all about.

***Edited sentence: Jenkins heard his dogs barking one day and decided to see what the commotion was all about.

And then that's when he saw a chest and shoulders above a 6-foot-high fence,“It was much, much bigger than a bear,” he later recalled.

***Small edits: And then that's when he saw a chest and shoulders standing above a 6-foot-high fence, “It was much, much bigger than a bear,” he recalled.

“It was covered with fur, with a flat, hairless face and perfectly round eyes.”said Jenkins.

***You don't need to say 'said Jenkins' at the end because we already know that he's saying this. We can leave the quote as is!

He ran back inside and then told the host and they all went out to search for the creature, thats when Hatfield ran straight to the thing and the thing knocked him down.

***Edits: He ran back inside and told the host. After this, they all went out to search for the creature and that's when Hatfield ran straight towards it and knocked him down.

That is when the thing started to attack them, they quickly ran to the house trying to close the door but the thing wouldn't let them, then Jenkins said that he was going to get his gun and that is when the thing got scared and ran back into the forest.

***This is a very long sentence. Let's try: That's when the thing started attacking them. They all began running to the house and as they tried to close the door, the thing resisted. After that, Jenkins attempted to grab his gun, but the thing was frightened and retreated back to the forest.

Final Edits

It's common for people who live near a forest to say that they've seen Bigfoot; in fact, there is a man who said that he saw Bigfoot and was attacked by it. A man named Jenkins, who lived in California, said the action took place on the edge of a vast coastal redwood forest near his home. Jenkins heard his dogs barking one day and decided to see what the commotion was all about. And then that's when he saw a chest and shoulders standing above a 6-foot-high fence, “It was much, much bigger than a bear,” he recalled. “It was covered with fur, with a flat, hairless face and perfectly round eyes.” Edits: He ran back inside and told the host. After this, they all went out to search for the creature and that's when Hatfield ran straight towards it and knocked him down. That's when the thing started attacking them. They all began running to the house and as they tried to close the door, the thing resisted. After that, Jenkins attempted to grab his gun, but the thing was frightened and retreated back to the forest.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



John Lewis’ Storied History of Causing ‘Good Trouble’

***Good title. However, I think we can delete the word 'Storied' and leave the title as: John Lewis' History of Causing 'Good Trouble'.

Original Article

Way back when racism became a thing, there born a brave protester who wanted all equality and a new life. Back when John Lewis was a child, he learned and show how blacks were treated, and of course he wasn't happy about it. Soon when he grew up, he got inspired by Montgomery, soon when he was an adult, he said that he wanted to become apart of the segregation, racial discrimination. He started off by going to an all white school, he did this because he was inspired by Autherine Lucy, who was a brave woman who was able to attend all white school without regretting anything . He was also inspired by Martian Luther King Jr, and he started to partner with many people and protest in a none vilolent way, they even made posters to show everyone how blacks should be treated the same way the whites were.This is all about John Lewi young life and how he causes many trouble but in a good way.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/john-lewis-storied-history-causing-good-trouble-180975368/.

The Edits

Way back when racism became a thing, there born a brave protester who wanted all equality and a new life.

***Let's say: During the Civil Rights Movement, a brave protester emerged; one who wanted a new life and equality for all.

Back when John Lewis was a child, he learned and show how blacks were treated, and of course he wasn't happy about it.

***Small edits: When John Lewis was just a child, he learned how blacks are treated in society and became very upset about it.

Soon when he grew up, he got inspired by Montgomery, soon when he was an adult, he said that he wanted to become apart of the segregation, racial discrimination.

***Let's try saying: As he grew up, he wanted to dismantle segregation and racial discrimination.

He started off by going to an all white school, he did this because he was inspired by Autherine Lucy, who was a brave woman who was able to attend all white school without regretting anything .

***Let's separate this into two sentences: In order to dismantle segregation, Lewis attended an all white school. He was an inspired to do so because of a woman named Autherine Lucy, a brave woman who also attended an all white school.

He was also inspired by Martian Luther King Jr, and he started to partner with many people and protest in a none vilolent way, they even made posters to show everyone how blacks should be treated the same way the whites were.

***There's a few grammatical mistakes here. Edited sentence: He was also inspired by Martin Luther King Jr; so much so that he started to take part in the protests.

This is all about John Lewi young life and how he causes many trouble but in a good way.

***Make sure you hit the space bar before you start another sentence. Let's be specific! Say 'This article is about...". Edited sentence: This article is about John Lewis' life and how he helped to dismantle segregation and racial discrimination.

Final Edits

During the Civil Rights Movement, a brave protester emerged; one who wanted a new life and equality for all. When John Lewis was just a child, he learned how blacks are treated in society and became very upset about it. As he grew up, he wanted to dismantle segregation and racial discrimination. In order to dismantle segregation, Lewis attended an all-white school. He was an inspired to do so because of a woman named Autherine Lucy, a brave woman who also attended an all-white school. He was also inspired by Martin Luther King Jr; so much so that he started to take part in the protests. This article is about John Lewis' life and how he helped to dismantle segregation and racial discrimination.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



You Can See South Korea’s Seaweed Farms From Space

***Good title!

Original Article

In pictures from outer space, you could see South Korea's seaweed farm! Did you know that South Korea's seaweed farm is so large you could see it even in outer space! South Korea produces about 90 percent of the country’s seaweed crop. South Korea can grow two types of seaweeds, they are, seaweed isn't very trending outside of China, Korea, and Japan. Seaweed farms are more better than land farms because they don't need water. This is all about the South Korean seaweed farm and fun facts about them.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/south-koreas-seaweed-farms-can-be-seen-space-180955155/.

The Edits

In pictures from outer space, you could see South Korea's seaweed farm!

***For this, you don't want to be writing in the past tense. Edited sentence: In pictures from outer space, you can see South Korea's seaweed farm!

Did you know that South Korea's seaweed farm is so large you could see it even in outer space!

***You already said this in the last sentence, so let's delete this.

South Korea produces about 90 percent of the country’s seaweed crop.

***Good.

South Korea can grow two types of seaweeds, they are, seaweed isn't very trending outside of China, Korea, and Japan.

***Edited sentence: South Korea can grow two types of seaweed; seaweed isn't very trendy outside of China, Korea, and Japan.

Seaweed farms are more better than land farms because they don't need water.

***Let's say: Seaweed farms are better than land farms because they don't require water.

This is all about the South Korean seaweed farm and fun facts about them.

***Edited sentence: This article details several facts about South Korea's seaweed farms.

Final Edits

In pictures from outer space, you can see South Korea's seaweed farm! South Korea produces about 90 percent of the country’s seaweed crop. South Korea can grow two types of seaweed; seaweed isn't very trendy outside of China, Korea, and Japan. Seaweed farms are better than land farms because they don't require water. This article details several facts about South Korea's seaweed farms.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



THIS IS HOW ANCIENT TEENAGERS LIVED

***Good title, but it shouldn't be all captialized. Edited title: This is How Ancient Teenagers Lived.

Original Article

In this year if you are a teenager, you would be living the life,you may get into a fight once in a while, flirt with someone, and etc. Back then, if you were a teenager,you do live a normal life like teenagers now a days, but there are some twists and turns of being a teenager in ancient times. First of all if you were a teenager back then, you would have to come from a very wealthy family to be able to get an education. Secondly, teenagers back then, you would be forced into marriage, and most of the time you are going to be forced to marry a person you don't even know.Thirdly,they would force teenager boys to go into war and become a solider, also teenagers would be used to sacrificed and buried alive.This is all about how back than teenagers had it hard, they were forced to do things, like they had no choice but to be sacrificed and buried alive.And that you should appreciate that you were never born or even a teenager back than.

Source:https://www.grunge.com/98144/ancient-teenagers-lived/.

The Edits

In this year if you are a teenager, you would be living the life,you may get into a fight once in a while, flirt with someone, and etc.

***Let's articulate this in a different way: If you're a teenager of this century, you're living the life; getting into occasional fights, flirting with your crush, and so on.

Back then, if you were a teenager,you do live a normal life like teenagers now a days, but there are some twists and turns of being a teenager in ancient times.

***Make sure you put spaces between a comma and the word that comes after it. Edited sentence: If you were a teenager back in the day, there would be some twists and turns.

First of all if you were a teenager back then, you would have to come from a very wealthy family to be able to get an education.

***This is good. You're just missing a comma after 'First of all'.

Secondly, teenagers back then, you would be forced into marriage, and most of the time you are going to be forced to marry a person you don't even know.

***Let's change 'Secondly' to just 'Second'. Edited sentence: Second, teenagers back then would be forced into marriage, and most of the time with a person they don't even know.

Thirdly,they would force teenager boys to go into war and become a solider, also teenagers would be used to sacrificed and buried alive.

***Make sure you hit the space bar before starting another sentence. Let's change 'Thirdly' to just 'Third'. Edited sentence: Third, teenage boys would have to go to war and all teenagers, regardless of gender, might be buried alive or used for sacrifice.

This is all about how back than teenagers had it hard, they were forced to do things, like they had no choice but to be sacrificed and buried alive.

***Notice how the first word of your sentence is attached to the period from the last sentence. We don't want this, so, you have to hit the space bar before typing another sentence. Let's be more specific by saying "This article is about..." Edited sentence: This article is about the difficulty of being an ancient teenager; they were forced to do many things, including being buried alive or put to sacrifice.

And that you should appreciate that you were never born or even a teenager back than.

***Make sure you hit the space bar before starting another sentence. It's okay to start a sentence with 'And' but I think we should leave this sentence as: In conclusion, you should appreciate that you were never a teenager back then!

Final Edits

If you're a teenager of this century, you’re living the life; getting into occasional fights, flirting with your crush, and so on. If you were a teenager back in the day, there would be some twists and turns. First of all, if you were a teenager back then, you would have to come from a very wealthy family to be able to get an education. Second, teenagers back then would be forced into marriage, and most of the time with a person they don't even know. Third, teenage boys would have to go to war and all teenagers, regardless of gender, might be buried alive or used for sacrifice. This article is about the difficulty of being an ancient teenager; they were forced to do many things, including being buried alive or put to sacrifice. In conclusion, you should appreciate that you were never a teenager back then!

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



Designers Are Trying to Build an Invisible Skyscraper in South Korea

***Nice title!

Original Article

People always wants people to see and admire their building creation. But South Korea is trying to make an invisible skyscraper, the building is known to be 1,476 feet tall. The building will be build near the Incheon International Airport just outside of Seoul,and it will be invisible. There will be cameras around three different heights on six different sides of the building to capture the real image of the surroundings of the building. They are trying to use digital processing to create an image on the LED rows to create an invisible illiusion.This is all about how South Korea is making an invisible building and what they do to make it seem invisible.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/designers-are-trying-to-build-an-invisible-skyscraper-in-south-korea-7181367/.

The Edits

People always wants people to see and admire their building creation.

***Edited sentence: People always want their architectural creations to be seen and admired.

But South Korea is trying to make an invisible skyscraper, the building is known to be 1,476 feet tall.

***Let's use 'However' instead of 'But'. Edited sentence: However, South Korea is in the midst of making an invisible skyscraper; one that will be 1,476 feet tall.

The building will be build near the Incheon International Airport just outside of Seoul,and it will be invisible.

***Let's delete the last part of the sentence because we already know that it's going to be invisible. Edited sentence: The building will be built near the Incheon International Airport, just outside of Seoul.

There will be cameras around three different heights on six different sides of the building to capture the real image of the surroundings of the building.

***Let's delete the last part of the sentence and leave it as: There will be cameras around three different heights on six different sides of the building to capture the real image of its surroundings.

They are trying to use digital processing to create an image on the LED rows to create an invisible illiusion.

***This sentence is a bit repetitive with the word 'create'. How about we try: They will use digital processing to create an image on the LED rows; this will make an invisible illusion.

This is all about how South Korea is making an invisible building and what they do to make it seem invisible.

***Edited sentence: This article is about South Korea making an invisible building and what they do to create the illusion.

Final Edits

People always want their architectural creations to be seen and admired. However, South Korea is in the midst of making an invisible skyscraper; one that will be 1,476 feet tall. The building will be built near the Incheon International Airport, just outside of Seoul. There will be cameras around three different heights on six different sides of the building to capture the real image of its surroundings. They will use digital processing to create an image on the LED rows; this will make an invisible illusion. This article is about South Korea making an invisible building and what they do to create the illusion.

Edited Kelli Hoeppner



COVID-19 Single-Use Plastics - Are They Back to Stay?

***Good title, but let's use a colon instead of a hyphen: COVID-19 Single-Use Plastics: Are They Back to Stay?

Original Article

COVID-19 is changing the way we disposes of waste. Before the Covid-19 we stopped using plastic bags to help save our planet, but because of the Covid-19, stores are giving people plastic bags than paper to stop the spread of covid-19. It's not only doing that, but is also threatening the hard fight that people did to help prevent people from using plastic. Before the Covid -19, there were many U.S. cities and states who worked hard on reducing the amount of plastic being used by people, such as straws, utensils, coffee cups, beverage bottles and plastic bags. Now it is all for nothing because there are a lot of stores who are quickly giving their customers plastic bags , but there are some states that are still banning plastics, and that people needs to bring their own bag. This is all about how covid-19 is changing the way we reduce them and what we use.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/single-use-plastic-covid-180975312/.

The Edits

COVID-19 is changing the way we disposes of waste.

***Dispose shouldn't be plural; it would just be 'dispose'

Before the Covid-19 we stopped using plastic bags to help save our planet, but because of the Covid-19, stores are giving people plastic bags than paper to stop the spread of covid-19.

***You don't have to refer to COVID-19 as 'the COVID-19'; it would just be 'COVID-19'. There is a bit of repetitiveness in this sentence as well. How about we try: Before COVID-19, we refrained from using plastic bags in order to help save our planet; however, because of the virus, stores are giving people plastic bags so that the spread of COVID-19 will slow down.

It's not only doing that, but is also threatening the hard fight that people did to help prevent people from using plastic.

***I get what you're trying to say, but the sentence doesn't make much sense altogether. Edited sentence: The use of plastic bags threatens our fight to reduce our carbon footprint.

Before the Covid -19, there were many U.S. cities and states who worked hard on reducing the amount of plastic being used by people, such as straws, utensils, coffee cups, beverage bottles and plastic bags.

***Edited sentence: Also, before COIVD-19, there were many U.S. cities and states who worked hard on reducing their plastic waste; they refrained from using straws, utensils, coffee cups, beverage bottles, and plastic bags.

Now it is all for nothing because there are a lot of stores who are quickly giving their customers plastic bags , but there are some states that are still banning plastics, and that people needs to bring their own bag.

***Edited sentence: These efforts were basically for nothing as a lot of stores are now banning their customers from bringing their own bags; however, there are some states that continue to ban plastic.

This is all about how covid-19 is changing the way we reduce them and what we use.

***Be specific; say "This article is about'... Also, capitalize 'COVID-19'. Edited sentence: This article is about how COVID-19 is changing the way we dispose of waste.

Final Edits

COVID-19 is changing the way we dispose of waste. Before COVID-19, we refrained from using plastic bags in order to help save our planet; however, because of the virus, stores are giving people plastic bags so that the spread of COVID-19 will slow down. The use of plastic bags threatens our fight to reduce our carbon footprint. Also, before COIVD-19, there were many U.S. cities and states who worked hard on reducing their plastic waste; they refrained from using straws, utensils, coffee cups, beverage bottles, and plastic bags. These efforts were basically for nothing as a lot of stores are now banning their customers from bringing their own bags; however, there are some states that continue to ban plastic. This article is about how COVID-19 is changing the way we dispose of waste.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Ecologists Dig Prairie Dogs, And You Should Too

***Good title. Small: Ecologists Dig Prairie Dogs and You Should Too

Original Article

Many people encounter Prairie Dogs as to being a pest. The things that they don't know is that Prairie Dogs are very important because they change the landscape and support the many species that call the prairie home. They live in huge colonies with countless numbers of small families, which is called coteries. Prairie Dogs have complex burrow systems, such as for sleeping, nursing young, storing food and even disposing of their deads. One colony can take up to an average of about 20 prairie dogs per acre in the summer after the child moves out. This is all about the Prairie Dogs , and about why they are important and more about them and their family.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/blogs/national-zoo/2020/07/14/ecologists-dig-prairie-dogs-and-you-should-too/.

The Edits

Many people encounter Prairie Dogs as to being a pest.

***The word 'encounter' doesn't really work in this context. Also, 'prairie dogs' doesn't need to be capitalized. Let's try: Many people consider prairie dogs to be pests.

The things that they don't know is that Prairie Dogs are very important because they change the landscape and support the many species that call the prairie home.

***Let's articulate this in a different way: What these people don't understand is that prairie dogs are very important; they change the landscape and welcome different species into their home.

They live in huge colonies with countless numbers of small families, which is called coteries.

***Small edits: Prairie dogs live in large colonies alongside countless small families; otherwise known as coteries.

Prairie Dogs have complex burrow systems, such as for sleeping, nursing young, storing food and even disposing of their deads.

***Small edits: They have a complex burrow system that is used for sleeping, nursing young, storing food, and disposing of the dead.

One colony can take up to an average of about 20 prairie dogs per acre in the summer after the child moves out.

***Just small edits again: One colony can take up to 20 prairie dogs per acre in the summer; this is after the child has moved out.

This is all about the Prairie Dogs , and about why they are important and more about them and their family.

***Let's be more specific instead of just saying 'This is all about'. So we would say: This article is about prairie dogs, their families, and why they are important.

Final Edits

Many people consider prairie dogs to be pests. What these people don't understand is that prairie dogs are very important; they change the landscape and welcome different species into their home. Prairie dogs live in large colonies alongside countless small families; otherwise known as coteries. They have a complex burrow system that is used for sleeping, nursing young, storing food, and disposing of the dead. One colony can take up to 20 prairie dogs per acre in the summer; this is after the child has moved out. This article is about prairie dogs, their families, and why they are important.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Band-Aid-Like Patch to the rescue!

***Good title. Small edit: Band-Aid-Like Patch To the Rescue! (You just needed to capitalize a couple other words)

Original Article

The band aid like patch could help detect if you have any COVID -19 symptoms this band aid can detect your blood flow and your heart rate to see if there is any changes that could be part of getting the coronavirus. It can also detect the way your breathing,collect data on your sleep patterns,detect body temperature, calorie burn, and how many steps you take. When they use the patch, the information is sent to the user’s iPad, and then gets sent to the HIPPA-compliant cloud-based storage, which eventually gets sent to a dashboard interface where the physicians can see the daily changes and what's going on in your body and look if there is any kind of fever in the patient's body. Researchers have collected more than 3,000 hours of data tests on the patient's body. Hospitals even have it for patients but it comes in a kit, in the kit there are complete cases, tablets, cords and instructions.These are all about the patch, how it is beneficial for people and patients, and what are included in the kits.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/band-aid-patch-could-detect-early-covid-19-symptoms-180975301/.

The Edits

The band aid like patch could help detect if you have any COVID -19 symptoms this band aid can detect your blood flow and your heart rate to see if there is any changes that could be part of getting the coronavirus.

***It should be like how you have it in the title: 'band-aid-like patch'. There's also a lot going on in this sentence, so I'd like to articulate this in an easier way. Edited sentence: This band-aid-like patch can help detect if an individual has COVID-19 symptoms; it detects blood flow and heart rate to see if there are any significant changes.

It can also detect the way your breathing,collect data on your sleep patterns,detect body temperature, calorie burn, and how many steps you take.

***Edited sentence: It also detects breathing conditions, sleep patterns, body temperature, calorie loss, and the number of steps one takes in a day.

When they use the patch, the information is sent to the user’s iPad, and then gets sent to the HIPPA-compliant cloud-based storage, which eventually gets sent to a dashboard interface where the physicians can see the daily changes and what's going on in your body and look if there is any kind of fever in the patient's body.

***This is an extremely long sentence. With that being said, I think we can split this into two sentences: When they use the patch, the information is sent to the user’s iPad, and then gets sent to the HIPPA-compliant cloud-based storage. After this, the information is sent to a dashboard interface where the physicians can see daily changes and what's occurring in the patient's body.

Researchers have collected more than 3,000 hours of data tests on the patient's body.

***Good!

Hospitals even have it for patients but it comes in a kit, in the kit there are complete cases, tablets, cords and instructions.

***Small edit: Hospitals carry the patch, but it comes in a kit; in this kit, there are complete cases, tables, cords and instructions.

These are all about the patch, how it is beneficial for people and patients, and what are included in the kits.

***Small edit: This article is all about the patch, how it is beneficial for people and patients, and what's included in the kits.

Final Edits

This band-aid-like patch can help detect if an individual has COVID-19 symptoms; it detects blood flow and heart rate to see if there are any significant changes. It also detects breathing conditions, sleep patterns, body temperature, calorie loss, and the number of steps one takes in a day. With that being said, I think we can split this into two sentences: When they use the patch, the information is sent to the user’s iPad, and then gets sent to the HIPPA-compliant cloud-based storage. After this, the information is sent to a dashboard interface where the physicians can see daily changes and what's occurring in the patient's body. Researchers have collected more than 3,000 hours of data tests on the patient's body. Hospitals carry the patch, but it comes in a kit; in this kit, there are complete cases, tables, cords and instructions. This article is all about the patch, how it is beneficial for people and patients, and what's included in the kits.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



Ending the Use of Racist Mascots and Images

***Good title!

Original Article

Many people are supporting the Native Americans there are many people who is racist towards them. So people are making banners , posters, and etc to support them. There are many people who are using the imagery and culture of the Native Americans in a negative way. It states, " we strongly support sports teams and other organizations that end the use of Native American imagery depicting racism. Let’s get this right." This shows how there are people who are supporting people who aren't using the culture of the Natives to be racist towards them. Another evidence is, " The commercial use of images and words that evoke Native cultures perpetuates racism and legitimizes racist acts." This shows how there are many people that are racist towards Native people and their culture. This is all about how people are standing up against racist people, and people who go against Natives.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/blogs/national-museum-american-indian/2020/07/08/ending-racist-mascots-and-images/.

The Edits

Many people are supporting the Native Americans there are many people who is racist towards them.

***Let's articulate this idea easier and better: Many people are in support of Native Americans' fight for racial equality.

So people are making banners , posters, and etc to support them.

***Let's try: As a way of showing their support, people are making banners and posters.

There are many people who are using the imagery and culture of the Native Americans in a negative way.

***Good, but let's makes this idea even clearer: For too long, the imagery and culture of Native Americans has been appropriated.

It states, " we strongly support sports teams and other organizations that end the use of Native American imagery depicting racism. Let’s get this right."

***You have an extra space after the first set of quotation marks. Also, it should be 'The text states', not just 'It states'. Edited sentence: The text states, "we strongly support sports teams and other organizations that end the use of Native American imagery depicting racism. Let’s get this right."

This shows how there are people who are supporting people who aren't using the culture of the Natives to be racist towards them.

***This sentence sounds a little confusing. Can we try: This evidence shows that there are individuals who support putting an end to the use of racist Native American imagery.

Another evidence is, " The commercial use of images and words that evoke Native cultures perpetuates racism and legitimizes racist acts."

***Small edit: Another piece of evidence from the text is, "The commercial use of images and words that evoke Native cultures perpetuates racism and legitimizes racist acts."

This shows how there are many people that are racist towards Native people and their culture.

***Small edit: This shows how there are many people that are racist towards Native American people and their culture.

This is all about how people are standing up against racist people, and people who go against Natives.

***Good! Let's try to be more specific: This article is about Native Americans' fight for racial equality and standing up against the appropriation of their culture.

Final Edits

Many people are in support of Native Americans' fight for racial equality. As a way of showing their support, people are making banners and posters. For too long, the imagery and culture of Native Americans has been appropriated. The text states, "we strongly support sports teams and other organizations that end the use of Native American imagery depicting racism. Let’s get this right." This evidence shows that there are individuals who support putting an end to the use of racist Native American imagery. Another piece of evidence from the text is, "The commercial use of images and words that evoke Native cultures perpetuates racism and legitimizes racist acts." This shows how there are many people that are racist towards Native American people and their culture. This article is about Native Americans' fight for racial equality and standing up against the appropriation of their culture.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Will COVID-19 Spell the End of Outdoor and Environmental Education?


Nice title, but 'spell' doesn't seem like the right word to use here. Let's try: Does COVID-19 Mean the End of Outdoor and Environmental Education?

Original Article

Ever since the COVID-19 Pandemics started , many schools and Rancho El Chorro who owns a camp was devastated when she had to stop and close the camp, this effect the students , the schools and camps. The shut down of the schools and the camp can make them lose thousands of dollars, and about 11 million kids will miss out on fun adventures. It states, "Though Royer expressed disappointment and surprise at the decision, Rancho El Chorro is not alone. According to a recent policy brief by University of California, Berkeley’s Lawrence Hall of Science, which surveyed nearly 1,000 environmental education and outdoor science schools that serve primarily K-12 learners, 63 percent of such organizations are uncertain whether they will ever open their doors again, if pandemic restrictions last until year’s end." This evidence shows how the shut down of the schools has a big impact on schools and camps, they won't be able to open their schools and camps for students, they would also lose a lot of money. Another evidence is, "they would have collectively served four million students across the United States. By December of 2020, an estimated 11 million students will have missed out on these experiences." This evidence shows how many kids won't be able to experience fun in camps or outside science school activities because of the coronvirus. This is all about how there are impacts because of the shut down for the coronavirus.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/will-covid-19-spell-end-outdoor-and-environmental-education-180975295/.

The Edits

Ever since the COVID-19 Pandemics started , many schools and Rancho El Chorro who owns a camp was devastated when she had to stop and close the camp, this effect the students , the schools and camps.

***Pandemic shouldn't be plural or capitalized. There's also a lot going on this sentence. Let's make it easier to understand by splitting it into two sentences: Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic began, many schools have had to shut down. Camp owner Rancho El Chorro was devastated when she had to close her camp.

The shut down of the schools and the camp can make them lose thousands of dollars, and about 11 million kids will miss out on fun adventures.

***Edited sentence: The shutdown of schools and camps can make them lose thousands of dollars, and 11 million kids will miss out on fun adventures.

It states, "Though Royer expressed disappointment and surprise at the decision, Rancho El Chorro is not alone. According to a recent policy brief by University of California, Berkeley’s Lawrence Hall of Science, which surveyed nearly 1,000 environmental education and outdoor science schools that serve primarily K-12 learners, 63 percent of such organizations are uncertain whether they will ever open their doors again, if pandemic restrictions last until year’s end."

***Edited sentence: The text states, "Though Royer expressed disappointment and surprise at the decision, Rancho El Chorro is not alone. According to a recent policy brief by University of California, Berkeley’s Lawrence Hall of Science, which surveyed nearly 1,000 environmental education and outdoor science schools that serve primarily K-12 learners, 63 percent of such organizations are uncertain whether they will ever open their doors again, if pandemic restrictions last until year’s end."

This evidence shows how the shut down of the schools has a big impact on schools and camps, they won't be able to open their schools and camps for students, they would also lose a lot of money.

***I think you can end the sentence where your first comma is: This evidence shows how the shut down of the schools has a big impact on schools and camps. Also, shutdown is just one word.

Another evidence is, "they would have collectively served four million students across the United States. By December of 2020, an estimated 11 million students will have missed out on these experiences."

***Small edit: Another piece of evidence from the text is, "they would have collectively served four million students across the United States. By December of 2020, an estimated 11 million students will have missed out on these experiences."

This evidence shows how many kids won't be able to experience fun in camps or outside science school activities because of the coronvirus.

***Small edits: This evidence shows how many kids won't be able to experience fun in camps or outside school activities because of the coronavirus.

This is all about how there are impacts because of the shut down for the coronavirus.

***Let's say: This article shows how coronavirus has impacted those in the education system and camp owners.

Final Edits

Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic began, many schools have had to shut down. Camp owner Rancho El Chorro was devastated when she had to close her camp. The shutdown of schools and camps can make them lose thousands of dollars, and 11 million kids will miss out on fun adventures. The text states, "Though Royer expressed disappointment and surprise at the decision, Rancho El Chorro is not alone. According to a recent policy brief by University of California, Berkeley’s Lawrence Hall of Science, which surveyed nearly 1,000 environmental education and outdoor science schools that serve primarily K-12 learners, 63 percent of such organizations are uncertain whether they will ever open their doors again, if pandemic restrictions last until year’s end." This evidence shows how the shutdown of the schools has a big impact on schools and camps. Another piece of evidence from the text is, "they would have collectively served four million students across the United States. By December of 2020, an estimated 11 million students will have missed out on these experiences." This evidence shows how many kids won't be able to experience fun in camps or outside school activities because of the coronavirus. This article shows how coronavirus has impacted those in the education system and camp owners.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




The COVID-19 Slowdown Will Show Whether Quieter Seas Help Killer Whales

***Good title

Original Article

Giles and her pet dog are on an adventure to find a killer whale. They found out that because of the COVID-19, there aren't any boats or ships around to make noise in the waters,which has a good impact on the whales. Whales such as the killer whales can die,have hard time finding food or mates,and lose their hearing because of noises from ships and other human activities in the water.Now Giles and her pet dog is going on an expedition to find and learn more about the Killer whales, they can find them by finding their floating poop. It states, "Deborah Giles and her dog are on a mad search for floating poop. Killer whale poop, to be precise.Giles, a killer whale biologist at the University of Washington’s Center for Conservation Biology, is cruising the Strait of Juan De Fuca, a roughly 15-mile-wide inlet between Canada’s Vancouver Island and Washington state. The coastal waterway is a hotspot for migrating killer whales." This evidence shows how Gilesand her pet dog are on an expedition to find the Killer whale and by doing that they need to find their floating poop. Another evidence is, "the COVID-19 pandemic also presents some researchers with an unprecedented opportunity to see how nature responds when human activity slows. This question is especially important for whales. Researchers already know that loud noise from human activities such as shipping, sonar use and sea mining can cause major physiological and behavioral effects on whales. The noise can drown out echolocation pings necessary to find food and mates. It can damage inner ears and other organs and can cause internal bleeding or even death." This evidence shows how the human activities in the waters can effect the killer whales and other kinds of whale in many ways.This is all about how Giles and her dog goes on an adventure to find the Killer whales and what scientists found out about the killer whales and the human activities.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/quieter-seas-covid-19-killer-whales-180975177/.

The Edits

Giles and her pet dog are on an adventure to find a killer whale.

***Good!

They found out that because of the COVID-19, there aren't any boats or ships around to make noise in the waters,which has a good impact on the whales.

***Good. You just need a space between 'waters' and 'which'.

Whales such as the killer whales can die,have hard time finding food or mates,and lose their hearing because of noises from ships and other human activities in the water.

***Edited sentence: Whales, such as killer whales, can die, have a hard time finding food or mates, and lost their hearing because of noises from ships and other human activities in the water.

Now Giles and her pet dog is going on an expedition to find and learn more about the Killer whales, they can find them by finding their floating poop.

***You need a space between this sentence and your last sentence. Edited for word choice/placement: Giles and her pet dog are going on expedition to find killer whales, which they can do by locating their floating poop.

It states, "Deborah Giles and her dog are on a mad search for floating poop. Killer whale poop, to be precise.

***Let's be specific. Say "The text states" instead of "It states". Quote looks good otherwise.

Giles, a killer whale biologist at the University of Washington’s Center for Conservation Biology, is cruising the Strait of Juan De Fuca, a roughly 15-mile-wide inlet between Canada’s Vancouver Island and Washington state.

***Remember that space between this sentence and your previous one. Quote is still looking good, though!

The coastal waterway is a hotspot for migrating killer whales."

***Good.

This evidence shows how Gilesand her pet dog are on an expedition to find the Killer whale and by doing that they need to find their floating poop.

***You need a space between 'Giles' and 'and'. Edited sentence altogether: This evidence shows how Giles and her pet dog are on an expedition to find the killer whale by spotting their floating poop.

Another evidence is, "the COVID-19 pandemic also presents some researchers with an unprecedented opportunity to see how nature responds when human activity slows.

***Let's say: 'Another piece of evidence from the text is,'.

This question is especially important for whales.

***Good.

Researchers already know that loud noise from human activities such as shipping, sonar use and sea mining can cause major physiological and behavioral effects on whales.

***Good.

The noise can drown out echolocation pings necessary to find food and mates. It can damage inner ears and other organs and can cause internal bleeding or even death."

***Good quote! A little long, but good.

This evidence shows how the human activities in the waters can effect the killer whales and other kinds of whale in many ways.

***Small edit: This evidence shows how human activities can affect the killer whales in many ways.

This is all about how Giles and her dog goes on an adventure to find the Killer whales and what scientists found out about the killer whales and the human activities.

***Let's start with 'In conclusion'. Edited sentence: In conclusion, this story is about the adventure of Giles and her dog trying to find killer whales. It's also about what scientists found out about killer whales and human activities.

Final Edits

Giles and her pet dog are on an adventure to find a killer whale. They found out that because of the COVID-19, there aren't any boats or ships around to make noise in the waters, which has a good impact on the whales. Whales, such as killer whales, can die, have a hard time finding food or mates, and lost their hearing because of noises from ships and other human activities in the water. Giles and her pet dog are going on expedition to find killer whales, which they can do by locating their floating poop. The text states, "Deborah Giles and her dog are on a mad search for floating poop. Killer whale poop, to be precise. Giles, a killer whale biologist at the University of Washington’s Center for Conservation Biology, is cruising the Strait of Juan De Fuca, a roughly 15-mile-wide inlet between Canada’s Vancouver Island and Washington state. The coastal waterway is a hotspot for migrating killer whales." This evidence shows how Giles and her pet dog are on an expedition to find the killer whale by spotting their floating poop. Another piece of evidence from the text is, "the COVID-19 pandemic also presents some researchers with an unprecedented opportunity to see how nature responds when human activity slows. This question is especially important for whales. Researchers already know that loud noise from human activities such as shipping, sonar use and sea mining can cause major physiological and behavioral effects on whales. The noise can drown out echolocation pings necessary to find food and mates. It can damage inner ears and other organs and can cause internal bleeding or even death." This evidence shows how human activities can affect the killer whales in many ways. In conclusion, this story is about the adventure of Giles and her dog trying to find killer whales. It's also about what scientists found out about killer whales and human activities.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Small Farms Find Creative Ways to Attract Visitors During the Coronavirus Pandemic


***Good title!

Original Article

A woman named Mooney found a way to help her and other farmers business while in the COVID-19 Pandemics. Mooney learned how to adapt quickly in the COVID-19 Pandemics, and that helped many small farmers. She found a way to contact all the other farmers she knew and requested if they would like to be part of the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market. They sold many different kinds of vegetable, meat, and more, how the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market works is that the customer requests what they want from any of the local farmers and they deliver it to them. It states, "together products from various local farms and delivers them directly to customers. “In the beginning we had one person selling their farm's sausage, another selling eggs, and a woman who provided us with beautiful microgreens that she usually sold to restaurants,” says Mooney. The Apple Barn Mobile Market has since grown to a few-dozen products, including fresh goat cheese from nearby Goat Lady Dairy, tomatoes from Twin Oaks Produce, and Liberty Kettle Corn from local purveyor Becky Suphin," This evidence shows what they sold and the system of the market. Another evidence is, "knew she had to figure out a way to adapt quickly. “My business was considered an essential food source,” she says, “but with only a bakery and cannery on site, it really limited me on what I could offer.”This evidence shows how because she was able to adapt quickly to the Pandemics, it helped her come up with a solution for all farmers.This is all about how farmers found a way to get customers in the pandemics.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/small-farms-find-creative-ways-attract-visitors-during-coronavirus-pandemic-180975255/.

The Edits

A woman named Mooney found a way to help her and other farmers business while in the COVID-19 Pandemics.

***Pandemic doesn't need to be capitalized and it shouldn't be plural. Because we're talking about more than one business, it should be "farmers businesses". Edited altogether: A woman named Mooney found a way to help her and other farmers businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Mooney learned how to adapt quickly in the COVID-19 Pandemics, and that helped many small farmers.

***Again, Pandemic shouldn't be plural or capitalized. Sentence looks good besides that!

She found a way to contact all the other farmers she knew and requested if they would like to be part of the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market.

***Small edits: She found a way to contact the other farmers she knew and asked if they would like to be part of the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market.

They sold many different kinds of vegetable, meat, and more, how the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market works is that the customer requests what they want from any of the local farmers and they deliver it to them.

***I think we can separate this into two sentences: They sold many different kinds of vegetables, meat, and more. How the Apple Barn Mobile Market works is that the customer requests what they want the local farmers and they deliver it to them.

It states, "together products from various local farms and delivers them directly to customers. “In the beginning we had one person selling their farm's sausage, another selling eggs, and a woman who provided us with beautiful microgreens that she usually sold to restaurants,” says Mooney. The Apple Barn Mobile Market has since grown to a few-dozen products, including fresh goat cheese from nearby Goat Lady Dairy, tomatoes from Twin Oaks Produce, and Liberty Kettle Corn from local purveyor Becky Suphin,"

***We want to be specific by saying "The text states," I want to delete the second half of the quote, because it's not information that's totally necessary and this quote is already very long. Edited sentence: The text states, "together products from various local farms and delivers them directly to customers. The Apple Barn Mobile Market has since grown to a few-dozen products, including fresh goat cheese from nearby Goat Lady Dairy, tomatoes from Twin Oaks Produce, and Liberty Kettle Corn from local purveyor Becky Suphin,"

This evidence shows what they sold and the system of the market.

***Small edit: This evidence describes the system of the market and also some of the things they sell there.

Another evidence is, "knew she had to figure out a way to adapt quickly. “My business was considered an essential food source,” she says, “but with only a bakery and cannery on site, it really limited me on what I could offer.”

***Edited: Another piece of evidence from the text says that Mooney "knew she had to figure out a way to adapt quickly." “My business was considered an essential food source,” she says, “but with only a bakery and cannery on site, it really limited me on what I could offer.”

This evidence shows how because she was able to adapt quickly to the Pandemics, it helped her come up with a solution for all farmers

***Pandemic is not plural or capitalized. Edited sentence: This evidence shows that because Mooney was able to adapt quickly to the pandemic, she was able to come up with a solution for the other farmers.

This is all about how farmers found a way to get customers in the pandemics.

***As the audience, we don't know what 'this' is; be more specific! Edited sentence: This article is about how farmers found a way to get customers during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Final Edits

A woman named Mooney found a way to help her and other farmers businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic. Mooney learned how to adapt quickly in the COVID-19 pandemic, and that helped many small farmers. She found a way to contact the other farmers she knew and asked if they would like to be part of the orchard's new Apple Barn Mobile Market. How the Apple Barn Mobile Market works is that the customer requests what they want the local farmers and they deliver it to them. The text states, "together products from various local farms and delivers them directly to customers. The Apple Barn Mobile Market has since grown to a few-dozen products, including fresh goat cheese from nearby Goat Lady Dairy, tomatoes from Twin Oaks Produce, and Liberty Kettle Corn from local purveyor Becky Suphin,". This evidence describes the system of the market and also some of the things they sell there. Another piece of evidence from the text says that Mooney "knew she had to figure out a way to adapt quickly." “My business was considered an essential food source,” she says, “but with only a bakery and cannery on site, it really limited me on what I could offer.” This evidence shows that because Mooney was able to adapt quickly to the pandemic, she was able to come up with a solution for the other farmers. This article is about how farmers found a way to get customers during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



How COVID-19 Will Change the Way We Fight Wildfires

Original Article

Fighting fire for firefighters has changed because of the COVID-19 Pandemics. Fire fighters learned how to keep social distancing and wearing masks while they stay in a local hotel instead of 40-person vehicles. Now because of the Pandemics, firefighters are now working in smaller groups than usual, also set up camp in smaller areas than their usual big area to make sure the COVID-19 guideline is being followed. Now since COVID-19 is here, it makes it difficult and unpredictable of what kind of wild fire will or will not show up. It states," Although wildfires are an inherent part of the Western ecology, this year’s fire season presents unprecedented challenges as firefighters reckon with a new and formidable adversary in the novel coronavirus."This evidence shows how now since there is the covid -19, it makes it harder for the firefighters to predict what kind of wild fire will or will not appear. Another evidence is, "The 399 firefighters deployed to suppress the wildfire practiced social distancing, wore masks whenever possible and bunked in local hotels near the site rather than in 40-person vehicles, which were standard sleeping quarters pre-COVID. They worked in small, self-contained teams of 4 to 20 to minimize physical interaction and the chance of virus transmission to teams outside their own." This evidence shows how firefighters are learning how to keep social distancing while they are at work or other things.This is all about how the COVID-19 Pandemics is changing a lot of things, like how the firefighters will fight fire.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/wildfire-season-covid-19-180975250/.

The Edits

Fighting fire for firefighters has changed because of the COVID-19 Pandemics.

***Let's try: The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the job of firefighters.

Fire fighters learned how to keep social distancing and wearing masks while they stay in a local hotel instead of 40-person vehicles.

***Firefighters should be just one word. Also, this sentence doesn't make much sense. Edited sentence: Firefighters must social distance and wear a mask on the job; they also must stay at a local hotel rather than in a 40-person vehicle.

Now because of the Pandemics, firefighters are now working in smaller groups than usual, also set up camp in smaller areas than their usual big area to make sure the COVID-19 guideline is being followed.

***Pandemic should not be plural (or capitalized). How does this does: They must work in smaller groups than usual and set up in smaller areas; this will ensure that the COVID-19 guidelines are being followed.

Now since COVID-19 is here, it makes it difficult and unpredictable of what kind of wild fire will or will not show up.

***Small edit: COVID-19 makes it difficult and unpredictable to know what kind of wildfire will or will not appear.

It states," Although wildfires are an inherent part of the Western ecology, this year’s fire season presents unprecedented challenges as firefighters reckon with a new and formidable adversary in the novel coronavirus."

***Be specific when quoting from the text. It should be 'The text states,'.

This evidence shows how now since there is the covid -19, it makes it harder for the firefighters to predict what kind of wild fire will or will not appear.

***This sounds a bit repetitive. Can we say: This evidence shows that COVID-19 makes fighting wildfires fast and efficiently very difficult.

Another evidence is, "The 399 firefighters deployed to suppress the wildfire practiced social distancing, wore masks whenever possible and bunked in local hotels near the site rather than in 40-person vehicles, which were standard sleeping quarters pre-COVID. They worked in small, self-contained teams of 4 to 20 to minimize physical interaction and the chance of virus transmission to teams outside their own."

***Say 'Another piece of evidence from the text is,'. This quote is a little long, but it's good.

This evidence shows how firefighters are learning how to keep social distancing while they are at work or other things.

***Delete 'or other things' and leave the sentence as: This evidence shows how firefighters are learning how to social distance while they are at work.

This is all about how the COVID-19 Pandemics is changing a lot of things, like how the firefighters will fight fire.

***Edited sentence: This article is about how COVID-19 is changing the function of many things, including how firefighters fight fire.

Final Edits

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the job for firefighters. Firefighters must social distance and wear a mask on the job; they also must stay at a local hotel rather than in a 40-person vehicle. They must work in smaller groups than usual and set up in smaller areas; this will ensure that the COVID-19 guidelines are being followed. COVID-19 makes it difficult and unpredictable to know what kind of wildfire will or will not appear. The text states, "Although wildfires are an inherent part of the Western ecology, this year’s fire season presents unprecedented challenges as firefighters reckon with a new and formidable adversary in the novel coronavirus." This evidence shows that COVID-19 makes fighting wildfires fast and efficiently very difficult. Another piece evidence of evidence from the text is, "The 399 firefighters deployed to suppress the wildfire practiced social distancing, wore masks whenever possible and bunked in local hotels near the site rather than in 40-person vehicles, which were standard sleeping quarters pre-COVID. They worked in small, self-contained teams of 4 to 20 to minimize physical interaction and the chance of virus transmission to teams outside their own." This evidence shows how firefighters are learning how to social distance while they are at work. This article is about how COVID-19 is changing the function of many things, including how firefighters fight fire.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




This Worm-Like Amphibian May Pack a Venomous Bite

***Awesome title!

Original Article

These worm like amphibian is called the caecilians, these kind of animals looks like an earthworm, but it's not. The caecilians contains toxic venom in their fangs, they are mostly compared to be more like snakes,cobras,rattle snakes and earthworms. The reason why is because , these caecilians has a venomous bite, kind of like a snake,they have no arms or legs so both learn and try to find a way to kill, bothe snakes and caecilians venom could also be found in their saliva. Something similar about the caecilians and the earthworm is that they both like to stay underground most of the time, they look like worms and their both amphibians. People don't consider amphibians as to having venom, but caecilians does, they are actually know to be the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth! It states, "Caecilians evolved some 100 million years before snakes, and if the legless amphibian’s bite is indeed venomous it could make them the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth, " This evidence shows how the caecilians are the oldest venomous creature on earth and how they were alive way back before snakes or even worms were there or even existed. Another evidence is, "Smooth-bodied, legless amphibians called caecilians look like giant earthworms with mouths full of sharp teeth, and, according to new research, they may be the only amphibians known to possess a venomous bite," This evidence shows how the caecilians looks like a worm, but it contains venom in its mouth with fangs just like snakes.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/worm-amphibian-may-pack-venomous-bite-180975266/.

The Edits

These worm like amphibian is called the caecilians, these kind of animals looks like an earthworm, but it's not.

***'These' refers to plural nouns and you're only referring to one kind of amphibian; we'll need to change 'These' to 'This'. Edited sentence: This worm-like amphibian is called a caecilian; it looks like an earthworm, but it is not.

The caecilians contains toxic venom in their fangs, they are mostly compared to be more like snakes,cobras,rattle snakes and earthworms.

***Let's try: The caecilians contain toxic venom in their fangs, which makes them comparable to snakes, cobras, rattle snakes, and earthworms. Notice how I put spaces between 'snakes, cobras, rattle snakes, and earthworms.' You have to hit the space button after you use commas.

The reason why is because , these caecilians has a venomous bite, kind of like a snake,they have no arms or legs so both learn and try to find a way to kill, bothe snakes and caecilians venom could also be found in their saliva.

***Let's delete 'The reason why is because' and have the new sentence be: Like a snake, these caecilians have a venomous bite; they both also have no arms or legs, which means they must try to find a way to kill. Furthermore, snakes and caecilians are similar in that their venom can be found in their saliva.

Something similar about the caecilians and the earthworm is that they both like to stay underground most of the time, they look like worms and their both amphibians.

***Edited sentence: Caecilians also share many similarities with earthworms: they both like to stay underground most of the time, they look like worms, and they're both amphibians. We would use 'they're' instead of 'their' because if we separate the contraction, the phrase would read as: they are both amphibians.
People don't consider amphibians as to having venom, but caecilians does, they are actually know to be the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth!

***Edited sentence: People don't think amphibians can have venom, but caecilians do; in fact, they are the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth!

It states, "Caecilians evolved some 100 million years before snakes, and if the legless amphibian’s bite is indeed venomous it could make them the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth, "

***We have to be specific when quoting from the text. We want to say "The text states," instead of "It states". Also, at the end of the quote, you need a period after the quotation marks! Edited sentence: The text states, "Caecilians evolved some 100 million years before snakes, and if the legless amphibian’s bite is indeed venomous it could make them the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth,".

This evidence shows how the caecilians are the oldest venomous creature on earth and how they were alive way back before snakes or even worms were there or even existed.

***Small edit: This evidence proves that caecilians are the oldest venomous creature on earth and how they were alive way before snakes or worms even existed.

Another evidence is, "Smooth-bodied, legless amphibians called caecilians look like giant earthworms with mouths full of sharp teeth, and, according to new research, they may be the only amphibians known to possess a venomous bite,"

***Let's say 'Another piece of evidence from the text is,'. You also need that period at the end of the quote! Edited: Another piece of evidence from the text is, "Smooth-bodied, legless amphibians called caecilians look like giant earthworms with mouths full of sharp teeth, and, according to new research, they may be the only amphibians known to possess a venomous bite,".

This evidence shows how the caecilians looks like a worm, but it contains venom in its mouth with fangs just like snakes.

***Small edit: This evidence shows how the caecilians appear similar to worms but contain venom in their fangs like snakes.

Final Edits

This worm-like amphibian is called a caecilian; it looks like an earthworm, but it is not. The caecilians contain toxic venom in their fangs, which makes them comparable to snakes, cobras, rattle snakes, and earthworms. Like a snake, these caecilians have a venomous bite; they both also have no arms or legs, which means they must try to find a way to kill. Furthermore, snakes and caecilians are similar in that their venom can be found in their saliva. Caecilians also share many similarities with earthworms: they both like to stay underground most of the time, they look like worms, and they're both amphibians. People don't think amphibians can have venom, but caecilians do; in fact, they are the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth! The text states, "Caecilians evolved some 100 million years before snakes, and if the legless amphibian’s bite is indeed venomous it could make them the oldest known venomous creatures on Earth,". This evidence proves that caecilians are the oldest venomous creature on earth and how they were alive way before snakes or worms even existed. Another piece of evidence from the text is, "Smooth-bodied, legless amphibians called caecilians look like giant earthworms with mouths full of sharp teeth, and, according to new research, they may be the only amphibians known to possess a venomous bite,". This evidence shows how the caecilians appear similar to worms but contain venom in their fangs like snakes.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Pool Testing Could Be the Fastest and Cheapest Way to Increase Coronavirus Screening

***Good title! A little long, but very good. I fixed the first word because you said 'Pooled' when it should be 'Pool'.


Original Article

Pool testing is very important, easier and cheaper. Pool testing can be way cheaper and fast than testing each person at a time. The pool testing can be used even though there are a large amount of people. The pool testing is important especially in the summer and everyone comes together in a pool, and this causes the the amount of people getting the virus to increase. It states, " Hopes for a summertime reprieve from COVID-19 have been dashed as cases surged in June. As infections rise, so does the need for testing." This shows how the in the summer to be specific, can cause the rate of people getting the virus to increase. Another evidence is, "Instead of testing one person at a time, samples from multiple individuals would be mixed together and tested as one. If the test comes back negative, everyone in the pool is clear. If positive, each member of the pool is then tested individually." This evidence shows how the pool testing is beneficial for everyone and is the cheapest and fastest way to find and test people who have the virus, this can help end the increase rate of humans spreading the virus in the pool. This is all about how the pool testing is beneficial and how it makes it easier, especially in the summer to stop or at least slow down the rate of humans getting or spreading the virus to others.


Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/pool-testing-could-be-fastest-cheapest-way-increase-coronavirus-screening-180975251/ .



The Edits

Pool testing is very important, easier and cheaper.

***Nice, but let's add a comma after 'easier'.

Pool testing can be way cheaper and fast than testing each person at a time.

***The correct use of the adjective 'fast' would be 'faster', in this case. Edited sentence: Pool testing can be way cheaper and faster than testing each person at a time.

The pool testing is important especially in the summer and everyone comes together in a pool, and this causes the the amount of people getting the virus to increase.

***I think we could articulate this idea a little better. Let's try: The pool testing is important in the summer because it's the time of the year when everyone swims; this allows for people to contract the virus much easier and at a higher rate.

It states, " Hopes for a summertime reprieve from COVID-19 have been dashed as cases surged in June. As infections rise, so does the need for testing."

***When quoting from a text, we can't just say 'it states' because we don't know what 'it' is. Let's say: The text states, "Hopes for a summertime reprieve from COVID-19 have been dashed as cases surged in June. As infections rise, so does the need for testing."

This shows how the in the summer to be specific, can cause the rate of people getting the virus to increase.

***I want to rearrange this sentence a bit. Edited sentence: This shows how the rate of people getting the virus can increase during the summertime.

Another evidence is, "Instead of testing one person at a time, samples from multiple individuals would be mixed together and tested as one. If the test comes back negative, everyone in the pool is clear. If positive, each member of the pool is then tested individually."

***Let's change it to 'Another piece of evidence from the text is,' The quote is very good!

This evidence shows how the pool testing is beneficial for everyone and is the cheapest and fastest way to find and test people who have the virus, this can help end the increase rate of humans spreading the virus in the pool.

***I think we can end the sentence after your first comma. The final sentence would be: This evidence shows how the pool testing is beneficial for everyone and is the cheapest and fastest way to find and test people who have the virus.

This is all about how the pool testing is beneficial and how it makes it easier, especially in the summer to stop or at least slow down the rate of humans getting or spreading the virus to others.

***We can make this sentence a lot simpler: This article is about pool testing and how it can help slow the spread of the virus.

Final Edits

Pool testing is very important, easier, and cheaper. Pool testing can be way cheaper and faster than testing each person at a time. The pool testing is important in the summer because it's the time of the year when everyone swims; this allows for people to contract the virus much easier and at a higher rate. The text states, "Hopes for a summertime reprieve from COVID-19 have been dashed as cases surged in June. As infections rise, so does the need for testing." This shows how the rate of people getting the virus can increase during the summertime. Another piece of evidence from the text is, "Instead of testing one person at a time, samples from multiple individuals would be mixed together and tested as one. If the test comes back negative, everyone in the pool is clear. If positive, each member of the pool is then tested individually." This evidence shows how the pool testing is beneficial for everyone and is the cheapest and fastest way to find and test people who have the virus. This article is about pool testing and how it can help slow the spread of the virus.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner




Original

The reason Ivan got a reward is because he was being honest, to the lord. He told the lord about who stole the purse, and the one who is selling it. It states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief." Another evidence is, "Honesty's the best policy!" said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. "How joyful I am!" This shows how Ivan got reward because of his honesty, and because he told the Lord the truth of who the person was that sold the purses instead of hiding it from the lord instead lying to him. 

Edits


The reason Ivan got a reward is because he was being honest, to the lord.

***Delete the word “being”; it’s already implied by the word “was” and isn’t strictly necessary. Delete the comma, as well.

Edited sentence: The reason Ivan got a reward is because he was honest to the lord.

He told the lord about who stole the purse, and the one who is selling it.

***Make sure your verb tenses are consistent within the same sentence - you use past tense for “stole”, so you should also use it for “was selling it” in the second part of the sentence. Delete the comma, which should only be before a conjunction that connects two clauses if the second clause could be a complete sentence on its own.

Edited sentence: He told the lord about who stole the purse and the one who was selling it.

It states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief."

***Good.

Another evidence is, "Honesty's the best policy!" said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. "How joyful I am!"

***Remember that when there’s dialogue inside your quoted text, the dialogue should be contained within single quotation marks and the quoted text as a whole should be contained within double quotation marks. “Evidence” also requires a quantifying phrase like “piece of” in front of it when you aren’t using a pronoun (like “this”).

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "‘Honesty's the best policy!’ said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. ‘How joyful I am!’”

This shows how Ivan got reward because of his honesty, and because he told the Lord the truth of who the person was that sold the purses instead of hiding it from the lord instead lying to him.

***Change “reward” to “rewarded” (just “reward” the way it is currently written is a noun). Decapitalize “lord”, so your capitalization is consistent across the paragraph. Change “who the person was that sold the purses” to “the purse thief’s identity” to increase the fluidity of this sentence. Delete either “instead of hiding it from the lord” or the phrase “instead of lying to him”; having both is a bit redundant and isn’t grammatically correct.

Edited sentence: This shows how Ivan got rewarded because of his honesty and because he told the lord the truth of the purse thief’s identity instead of hiding it from him.

Final Edit

***Good effort! Continue to work on improving your punctuation usage, especially when it comes to unnecessary commas and putting single quotation marks around dialogue within your cited text. Also, make sure that formatting and grammar choices like verb tenses and capitalization of certain words are consistent throughout your individual sentences and the paragraph as a whole.

Edited paragraph: The reason Ivan got a reward is because he was honest to the lord. He told the lord about who stole the purse and the one who was selling it. It states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief." Another piece of evidence is, "‘Honesty's the best policy!’ said Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. ‘How joyful I am!’” This shows how Ivan got rewarded because of his honesty and because he told the lord the truth of the purse thief’s identity instead of hiding it from him.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original

   Rip Van Winkle is a kind and simple type of person, he is kind to all people and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband. It sates in the text, " a simple, good-natured fellow, of the name of Rip Van Winkle."This evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a simple person who is also kind at the same time. Another evidence is, "he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband." These evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a kind and a good person to all. It also shows how Rip Van Winkle is very loyal, kind , and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband to his wife. This is the kind of person Rip Van Winkle is.

Edits


Rip Van Winkle is a kind and simple type of person, he is kind to all people and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband.

***The first comma in this sentence separates two clauses that could be independent sentences on their own. In order to correctly connect these clauses, the comma should either be changed to a semicolon or should have a conjunction like “and” attached to it.

Edited sentence: Rip Van Winkle is a kind and simple type of person; he is kind to all people and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband.

It sates in the text, " a simple, good-natured fellow, of the name of Rip Van Winkle."

***Change “sates” to “states”. Delete the extra space after the first quotation marks; the punctuation should be touching the word/phrase it punctuates.

Edited sentence: It states in the text, "a simple, good-natured fellow, of the name of Rip Van Winkle."

This evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a simple person who is also kind at the same time.

***Make sure there’s a space before the beginning of this sentence. Otherwise, good.

Another evidence is, "he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband."

***The phrase “another evidence” is not grammatically correct. Add a quantifying phrase like “piece of” in order to fix this.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband."

These evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a kind and a good person to all.

***Because the noun “evidence” doesn’t follow regular plurality rules, the pronoun “these” is not correct to use with it, even if you intend for “evidence” to be plural. The phrase “this evidence” is used for both singular and plural with this noun. If you use “these”, you need to add the plural quantifier “pieces of” to the phrase.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a kind and a good person to all.

It also shows how Rip Van Winkle is very loyal, kind , and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband to his wife.

***Delete the extra space before the second comma, because it is punctuating the word “kind” and should, therefore, be touching that word.

Edited sentence: It also shows how Rip Van Winkle is very loyal, kind, and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband to his wife.

This is the kind of person Rip Van Winkle is.

***This sentence is fairly redundant, and it isn’t really necessary to include in your paragraph. If you still need to have a sentence in its place (i.e. you can’t delete a whole sentence due to required structure), try rewriting it to include a new piece of information or analysis that you have not yet previously mentioned.

Edited sentence: This is how the text demonstrates the loving and simple personality of Rip Van WInkle.

Final Edit

***Overall, good job. Continue to work on improving your use of the plural phrases that include “evidence”, which do not follow regular plurality rules. Also, make sure that you are correctly spacing punctuation, which should always be right next to (not separated by a space from) the word it is punctuating.

Edited paragraph: Rip Van Winkle is a kind and simple type of person; he is kind to all people and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband. It states in the text, "a simple, good-natured fellow, of the name of Rip Van Winkle." This evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a simple person who is also kind at the same time. Another piece of evidence is, "he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband." This evidence shows how Rip Van Winkle is a kind and a good person to all. It also shows how Rip Van Winkle is very loyal, kind, and is an obedient, hen-pecked husband to his wife. This is how the text demonstrates the loving and simple personality of Rip Van WInkle.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro


Original

      The events allowed the young man to think of a plan to catch the Cat King, is when the young man remembered about the cats talking about a dog named  Schippeitaro and when the other mens were telling the young man about the dog. " Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away." Another evidence is , "As he listened to this story, the young man was filled with a great longing to rescue the maiden from her dreadful fate. The mention of the chapel set him thinking of the scene of the previous night, and he went over all the details again in his mind. ‘Who is Schippeitaro?’ he suddenly asked; ‘can any of you tell me?" These events helped the young man come up with the plan to catch the Cat King.

Edits


The events allowed the young man to think of a plan to catch the Cat King, is when the young man remembered about the cats talking about a dog named Schippeitaro and when the other mens were telling the young man about the dog.

***The fluidity of this sentence can be slightly improved. Add the word “that” after “events”, delete the comma and replace the word “is” with the word “were”. Delete the extra space before “Schippeitaro”, and make sure you have the proper plural of “man” (“men”, not “mens”).

Edited sentence: The events that allowed the young man to think of a plan to catch the Cat King were when the young man remembered about the cats talking about a dog named Schippeitaro and when the other men were telling the young man about the dog.

" Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away."

***Add a phrase like “the text says” before this quote so that the quote isn’t standing on its own. Delete the space after the first quotation mark. Good job with your partial incorporation of single quotation marks for the dialogue! Just make sure that they are at both the beginning and the end of the dialogue, just like how double quotation marks are at the beginning and end of your cited text.

Edited sentence: The text says, "‘Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away.’"

Another evidence is , "As he listened to this story, the young man was filled with a great longing to rescue the maiden from her dreadful fate. The mention of the chapel set him thinking of the scene of the previous night, and he went over all the details again in his mind. ‘Who is Schippeitaro?’ he suddenly asked; ‘can any of you tell me?"

***Remember to add a quantifying phrase before “evidence”. Delete the extra space before the first comma. Once again, good job with incorporating the single quotation marks; just make sure they are at the beginning and end of whatever dialogue they are punctuating. This means that there will sometimes be a single quotation mark right next to a double quotation mark, which may look odd but is grammatically correct.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "As he listened to this story, the young man was filled with a great longing to rescue the maiden from her dreadful fate. The mention of the chapel set him thinking of the scene of the previous night, and he went over all the details again in his mind. ‘Who is Schippeitaro?’ he suddenly asked; ‘can any of you tell me?’"

These events helped the young man come up with the plan to catch the Cat King.

***Good.

Final Edit

***Good work, especially with your improvement on incorporating single quotation marks for dialogue inside your cited text! Just make sure that you are placing the quotation marks at both the beginning and end of the dialogue. You can also continue to work on the correct spacing of punctuation, which should always be touching the word/phrase it punctuates, and placing the correct quantifying phrases or pronouns before the word “evidence”.

Edited paragraph: The events that allowed the young man to think of a plan to catch the Cat King were when the young man remembered about the cats talking about a dog named Schippeitaro and when the other men were telling the young man about the dog. The text says, "‘Schippeitaro is the great dog that belongs to the overseer of our prince,’ said they; ‘and he lives not far away.’" Another piece of evidence is, "As he listened to this story, the young man was filled with a great longing to rescue the maiden from her dreadful fate. The mention of the chapel set him thinking of the scene of the previous night, and he went over all the details again in his mind. ‘Who is Schippeitaro?’ he suddenly asked; ‘can any of you tell me?’" These events helped the young man come up with the plan to catch the Cat King.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro





Original

Sara and the Captain ,who is her father, shows love for each other by hanging out with each other when they had little time left because the father had to leave to India, and the other way is that a man said how her father is going to miss her. It states,"I don't believe you know how much your daddy will miss you." Another evidence is,"Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things. They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, " This shows how much they love each other.

Edits


Sara and the Captain ,who is her father, shows love for each other by hanging out with each other when they had little time left because the father had to leave to India, and the other way is that a man said how her father is going to miss her.

***The first comma should be touching the word “Captain”, not “who”. “Shows” should be changed to “show”, because you have a plural subject with “Sara and the Captain”. The word “to” should be changed to “for” in order to be the correct preposition. In order to be more clear about who is saying what to whom, change “said” to “told Sara” and delete “how”.

Edited sentence: Sara and the Captain, who is her father, show love for each other by hanging out with each other when they had little time left because the father had to leave for India, and the other way is that a man told Sara her father is going to miss her.

It states,"I don't believe you know how much your daddy will miss you."

***There should be a space in between the comma and the first quotation marks because they are punctuating different words.

Edited sentence: It states, "I don't believe you know how much your daddy will miss you."

Another evidence is,"Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things. They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, "

***Put a quantifying phrase like “piece of” in front of “evidence”. There should be a space between the comma and the first quotation marks. Because you are ending your sentence when you end the quote, the comma at the end should be a period, instead, and there should not be a space between that piece of punctuation and the final quotation marks.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things. They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself."

This shows how much they love each other.

***Good.

Final Edit

***Overall, good work. You can continue to improve by working on getting the correct spacing between punctuation; punctuation should be touching the word it punctuates, and if it is next to another piece of punctuation that is applying to a different word, those two pieces of punctuation should be separated by a space. If the two pieces of punctuation apply to the same word, they should then not be separated by a space. Also, remember that the noun “evidence” is irregular and requires different pronouns and quantifying phrases than other, regular plural nouns.

Edited paragraph: Sara and the Captain, who is her father, show love for each other by hanging out with each other when they had little time left because the father had to leave for India, and the other way is that a man told Sara her father is going to miss her. It states, "I don't believe you know how much your daddy will miss you." Another piece of evidence is, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India. They went out and visited many big shops together, and bought a great many things. They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself." This shows how much they love each other.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




    Sara likes to read French , German , English, history , biography , poets, and more. It states,"French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." Drag her away from her books when she reads to much.Make her ride her pony in the Row or go out and buy a new doll. She ought to play more with dolls."These evidence shows how Sara like to read French , German , English, history , biography , poets, and other kinds of books, it shows that she loves to read these books so much that you have to drag her and make her do something else.


The Edits

Sara likes to read French , German , English, history , biography , poets, and more.

***Good! The only thing I will say is that you have extra spaces between the subjects and the commas. It should look like: Sara likes to read French, German, English, history, biography, poets, and more.

It states,"French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things."

***Let's say "The text states" in order to be more specific about where this information is coming from!

Drag her away from her books when she reads to much.

***I'm assuming that you're starting a new quote, so we're going to need quotation marks at the beginning of the sentence. Also, when you include a quote directly after another one, you should introduce it like you did with the first one. Lastly, at the end of the quote, it should be "too" instead of "to". "Too" is an adverb that means excessively (this would be appropriate here because Sarah's reading is excessive). Edited: It goes onto say, "Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.

Make her ride her pony in the Row or go out and buy a new doll.

***Good.

She ought to play more with dolls."

***Good.

These evidence shows how Sara like to read French , German , English, history , biography , poets, and other kinds of books, it shows that she loves to read these books so much that you have to drag her and make her do something else.

***Quantify the noun: "These pieces of evidence". Also, let's separate these sentences into two. Edited: These pieces of evidence show how Sara likes to read French, German, English, history, biography, poets, and other kinds of books. It shows that she loves to read these books so much that you have to drag her to make her do something else.

Final Edits

Sara likes to read French, German, English, history, biography, poets, and more. The text states, "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." It goes onto say, "Drag her away from her books when she reads too much. Make her ride her pony in the Row or go out and buy a new doll. She ought to play more with dolls." These pieces of evidence show how Sara likes to read French, German, English, history, biography, poets, and other kinds of books. It shows that she loves to read these books so much that you have to drag her to make her do something else.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner



Original

 The thing that Sara was worried about was the new place that she is going to stay at because the climate in India was bad for kids. It states, "Couldn't you go to that place with me, papa?" she had asked when she was five years old. "Couldn't you go to school, too? I would help you with your lessons." This evidence shows how she was afraid to go by herself without her father to the new place. Another evidence is, "During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place" This evidence show how she is worried about going to the new place.
   

Edits


The thing that Sara was worried about was the new place that she is going to stay at because the climate in India was bad for kids.

***Make sure that your verb tenses are consistent, especially within the same sentence. In this sentence you use “was” twice and “is” once; they should all be “was”.

Edited sentence: The thing that Sara was worried about was the new place that she was going to stay at because the climate in India was bad for kids.

It states, "Couldn't you go to that place with me, papa?" she had asked when she was five years old. "Couldn't you go to school, too? I would help you with your lessons."

***Remember that dialogue inside of cited text should be surrounded with single quotation marks, while the cited text as a whole is surrounded with double quotation marks.

Edited sentence: It states, "‘Couldn't you go to that place with me, papa?’ she had asked when she was five years old. ‘Couldn't you go to school, too? I would help you with your lessons.’"

This evidence shows how she was afraid to go by herself without her father to the new place.

***Good job on using the correct pronoun with “evidence”.

Another evidence is, "During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was "the place"

***Don’t forget the period that is necessary to end this sentence. Also, when you find double quotation marks around a phrase in your cited text, the rules are the same as with dialogue: they should be changed to single quotation marks so that double quotation marks only surround the entire cited text. Add “piece of” in front of evidence to quantify the noun correctly.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was ‘the place’.”

This evidence show how she is worried about going to the new place.

***Double check your subject-verb agreement here. Technically you are using the singular “evidence” to refer to more than one piece of evidence, which is the grammatically correct way to do it, but you are using the plural form of the verb “to show”. You should change the plurality of this verb to match the grammatical singularity of your subject. Also, change “is” to “was” to be consistent with your first sentence.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how she was worried about going to the new place.

Final Edit

***Overall, continue to focus on your quotation mark usage and your subject-verb agreement. Make sure to keep your verb tenses consistent throughout sentences and the paragraph as a whole. Continue to work on using the correct pronouns and quantifying phrases with the irregular noun “evidence”, or use a more regular noun instead.

Edited paragraph: The thing that Sara was worried about was the new place that she was going to stay at because the climate in India was bad for kids. It states, "‘Couldn't you go to that place with me, papa?’ she had asked when she was five years old. ‘Couldn't you go to school, too? I would help you with your lessons.’" This evidence shows how she was afraid to go by herself without her father to the new place. Another piece of evidence is, "During her short life, only one thing had troubled her, and that thing was ‘the place’.” This evidence shows how she was worried about going to the new place.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro






Original

     In the story, the kids were doing a play. It sates, " and Hagar informed the audience that as he had killed a few of her friends in times past, she had cursed him, and intends to thwart his plans, and be revenged on him. Then the curtain fell, and the audience reposed and ate candy while discussing the merits of the play." Another evidence is, "The smallness of the company made it necessary for the two principal actors to take several parts apiece, and they certainly deserved some credit for the hard work they did in learning three or four different parts, whisking in and out of various costumes, and managing the stage besides. It was excellent drill for their memories, a harmless amusement, and employed many hours which otherwise would have been idle, lonely, or spent in less profitable society."These evidence shows how the evidence supports how in this part of the story, the kids were doing a play.

Edits


In the story, the kids were doing a play.

***Good.

It sates, " and Hagar informed the audience that as he had killed a few of her friends in times past, she had cursed him, and intends to thwart his plans, and be revenged on him. Then the curtain fell, and the audience reposed and ate candy while discussing the merits of the play."

***Make sure to proofread for simple misspelling like “sates”, which should be “states”. Also, remember punctuation rules: there shouldn’t be a space between the quotation mark, because the quotation mark applies to the words “and Hagar…”. Punctuation should be touching the word it applies to.

Edited sentence: It states, "and Hagar informed the audience that as he had killed a few of her friends in times past, she had cursed him, and intends to thwart his plans, and be revenged on him. Then the curtain fell, and the audience reposed and ate candy while discussing the merits of the play."

Another evidence is, "The smallness of the company made it necessary for the two principal actors to take several parts apiece, and they certainly deserved some credit for the hard work they did in learning three or four different parts, whisking in and out of various costumes, and managing the stage besides. It was excellent drill for their memories, a harmless amusement, and employed many hours which otherwise would have been idle, lonely, or spent in less profitable society."

***Remember the rules with the word “evidence”: you need another phrase like “piece of” in front of it in order for it to be grammatically correct.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "The smallness of the company made it necessary for the two principal actors to take several parts apiece, and they certainly deserved some credit for the hard work they did in learning three or four different parts, whisking in and out of various costumes, and managing the stage besides. It was excellent drill for their memories, a harmless amusement, and employed many hours which otherwise would have been idle, lonely, or spent in less profitable society."

These evidence shows how the evidence supports how in this part of the story, the kids were doing a play.

***Remember, there should be a space before the beginning of each new sentence after a period. Also, once again the word evidence is not used correctly here with the plural pronoun “these”. You should use “this” or “these pieces of” in order to indicate the plurality of “evidence”. Also, “evidence” doesn’t need to be repeated. Try structuring the sentence differently to improve the fluidity and avoid repetition.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how in this part of the story, the kids were doing a play.

Final Edit

***Overall, you should continue to focus on your punctuation rules, especially when it comes to correctly spacing punctuation. You should also start making sure that you are using the correct pronouns and quantifying phrases with irregular nouns like “evidence”.

Edited paragraph: In the story, the kids were doing a play. It states, "and Hagar informed the audience that as he had killed a few of her friends in times past, she had cursed him, and intends to thwart his plans, and be revenged on him. Then the curtain fell, and the audience reposed and ate candy while discussing the merits of the play." Another piece of evidence is, "The smallness of the company made it necessary for the two principal actors to take several parts apiece, and they certainly deserved some credit for the hard work they did in learning three or four different parts, whisking in and out of various costumes, and managing the stage besides. It was excellent drill for their memories, a harmless amusement, and employed many hours which otherwise would have been idle, lonely, or spent in less profitable society." This evidence shows how in this part of the story, the kids were doing a play.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro



Original

the atmosphere (feeling of the people) described in home with Mrs. March is happy and good, the reason is because the kids felt comfortable and happy when they were with Mrs.March. It states, " And when they went away, leaving comfort behind." Another evidence is, "The girls had never been called angel children before, and thought it very agreeable, especially Jo, who had been considered a 'Sancho' ever since she was born. That was a very happy breakfast," These evidence supports how the atmosphere (feeling of the people) described in home with Mrs. March is happy and good because she made the kids feel good about themselves and made them comfortable.

Edits


the atmosphere (feeling of the people) described in home with Mrs. March is happy and good, the reason is because the kids felt comfortable and happy when they were with Mrs.March.

***Capitalize the first word in this sentence. You can delete “(feeling of the people)”, because that is already implied in the definition of the word “atmosphere”. You should have an article like “the” in front fo “home”. You can also delete “the reason is” because you already have the word “because” right after it, which functionally means the same thing. To avoid unnecessary repetition, delete the second “Mrs. March” and replace it with a pronoun like “her”.

Edited sentence: The atmosphere described in the home with Mrs. March is happy and good because the kids felt comfortable and happy when they were with her.

It states, " And when they went away, leaving comfort behind."

***Remember that with all punctuation, the punctuation (whether it’s a period, quotation marks, comma, etc.) should be touching the word it is modifying/punctuating. This means you should delete the space between the quotation marks and the word “and”.

Edited sentence: It states, "And when they went away, leaving comfort behind."

Another evidence is, "The girls had never been called angel children before, and thought it very agreeable, especially Jo, who had been considered a 'Sancho' ever since she was born. That was a very happy breakfast,"

***Because you are ending your sentence where you end your quote, there should be a period instead of a comma there, even if a comma is the punctuation that is originally present in the text at that spot. Again, with the noun “evidence”, you cannot say “another evidence”. You must say either “another piece of evidence” or use a different noun that actually works in this format, like “another example.”

Edited sentence: Another example is, "The girls had never been called angel children before, and thought it very agreeable, especially Jo, who had been considered a 'Sancho' ever since she was born. That was a very happy breakfast."

These evidence supports how the atmosphere (feeling of the people) described in home with Mrs. March is happy and good because she made the kids feel good about themselves and made them comfortable.

***Once again, “these evidence” is not a valid plural with the word “evidence”. Either change this to “this evidence”, “these pieces of evidence”, or a different noun that works within this format, like “these examples”. Like with the first sentence, delete “(feeling of the people)” and add an article before “home”.

Edited sentence: This evidence supports how the atmosphere described in the home with Mrs. March is happy and good because she made the kids feel good about themselves and made them comfortable.

Final Edit

***You should continue to work on your punctuation rules, especially in terms of the punctuation involved with ending quotes and sentences, and with the correct spacing of punctuation. You also need to start closely examining phrases like “these evidence” for errors. Is there a different demonstrative adjective/pronoun you can use to make it grammatically correct? Is there another synonym for “evidence” that follows the rules of plurality more regularly? Answering these questions will help you with writing these phrases. You should also make sure that you are not repeating the same specific words or names too often within the same sentence; often one of those repetitions can be replaced with a pronoun instead.

Edited paragraph:

The atmosphere described in the home with Mrs. March is happy and good because the kids felt comfortable and happy when they were with her. It states, "And when they went away, leaving comfort behind." Another example is, "The girls had never been called angel children before, and thought it very agreeable, especially Jo, who had been considered a 'Sancho' ever since she was born. That was a very happy breakfast." This evidence supports how the atmosphere described in the home with Mrs. March is happy and good because she made the kids feel good about themselves and made them comfortable.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro





Original

The bang on the door was for the kids to know that someone was coming because they were trying to hide something, the kids were hiding a basket from their mother because it was CHRISTMAS and they wanted to hid their gift that was in the basket, and when they heard the bang, they knew that the mother was coming back. It states, "There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!" cried Jo,"  These evidence shows how the kids were trying to hid a basket from their mother. Another evidence is , " as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall." It also shows how when they heard the bang , they knew that their mother was coming.

Edits


The bang on the door was for the kids to know that someone was coming because they were trying to hide something, the kids were hiding a basket from their mother because it was CHRISTMAS and they wanted to hid their gift that was in the basket, and when they heard the bang, they knew that the mother was coming back.

***This is a long sentence. Break it into two sentences before “the kids were hiding…”. “Christmas” should not be all capitalized. Also, the word “hid” is not in the correct tense; it should be “hide” because you are using the infinitive along with the past-tense verb “wanted”.

Edited sentence: The bang on the door was for the kids to know that someone was coming because they were trying to hide something. The kids were hiding a basket from their mother because it was Christmas and they wanted to hide their gift that was in the basket, and when they heard the bang, they knew that the mother was coming back.

It states, "There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!" cried Jo,"

***Remember that when you have dialogue inside of quoted text, the dialogue should be surrounded with single quotation marks, not double. Also, because you are ending this sentence with “cried Jo,” the comma should be changed to a period.

Edited sentence: It states, "‘There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!’ cried Jo."

These evidence shows how the kids were trying to hid a basket from their mother.

***“These evidence” is not the correct plural for this noun, as discussed before. Change this to “this evidence” or “these pieces of evidence”. Again, “hid” is not the correct form of the verb here; the presence of the word “to” implies that you need the infinitive version of the verb, which is “hide”.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the kids were trying to hide a basket from their mother.

Another evidence is , " as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall."

***Punctuation should always be touching the word it applies to. For instance, in my last sentence, you can see that the period is next to the word “to”, because it needs to end that sentence. It’s the same with your sentences, and with other kinds of punctuation. The comma should be touching the word “is”, and the quotation marks should be touching the word “as”. The space between the comma and the quotation marks allows us to see that the pieces of punctuation belong to different parts of the sentence. Additionally, you need to correctly quantify the noun “evidence” here.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall."

It also shows how when they heard the bang , they knew that their mother was coming.

***Again, make sure that your punctuation is touching the word it is punctuating. Here, the comma should be touching the word “bang” and should not be separated from it by a space.

Edited sentence: It also shows how when they heard the bang, they knew that their mother was coming.

Final Edit

***Continue to work on your punctuation rules, especially the correct spacing of punctuation and the words they apply to. Make sure to examine your sentences for verb disagreement (like “hid” instead of “hide”), and work on using the correct pronouns and plural forms of nouns like “evidence”, which are irregular and don’t follow normal plurality rules.

Edited paragraph: The bang on the door was for the kids to know that someone was coming because they were trying to hide something. The kids were hiding a basket from their mother because it was Christmas and they wanted to hide their gift that was in the basket, and when they heard the bang, they knew that the mother was coming back. It states, "‘There's Mother. Hide the basket, quick!’ cried Jo." This evidence shows how the kids were trying to hide a basket from their mother. Another piece of evidence is, "as a door slammed and steps sounded in the hall." It also shows how when they heard the bang, they knew that their mother was coming.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original

  At night the characters were singing and was in the Slough of Despond and in the evening they were just talking . It states, "for the mother was a born singer. The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby."Another evidence is, "We all will," cried Meg. "I think too much of my looks and hate to work, but won't any more, if I can help it.""I'll try and be what he loves to call me, 'a little woman' and not be rough and wild, but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else," said Jo, thinking that keeping her temper at home was a much harder task than facing a rebel or two down South.Beth said nothing, but wiped away her tears with the blue army sock and began to knit with all her might, losing no time in doing the duty that lay nearest her, while she resolved in her quiet little soul to be all that Father hoped to find her when the year brought round the happy coming home." These evidence shows what they were doing in the night and the evening.

Edits


At night the characters were singing and was in the Slough of Despond and in the evening they were just talking .

***Make sure that you keep your subject-verb agreement consistent. “Was” should be “were”, because the subject is still “the characters”. There should also be a comma before “and in the evening”, because it is an independent clause following a conjunction (“and”). There shouldn’t be a space between “talking” and the period that follows it.

Edited sentence: At night the characters were singing and were in the Slough of Despond, and in the evening they were just talking.

It states, "for the mother was a born singer. The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby."

***Good.

Another evidence is, "We all will," cried Meg. "I think too much of my looks and hate to work, but won't any more, if I can help it."

***Add a space before this sentence; every period should have a space after it. Remember that when you have dialogue inside of your cited evidence, the dialogue should be surrounded with single quotation marks, and the double quotation marks should surround the entirety of your cited text. Also, remember that you need to include “piece of” in front of “evidence” if you are quantifying it.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "‘We all will," cried Meg. "I think too much of my looks and hate to work, but won't anymore, if I can help it.’

"I'll try and be what he loves to call me, 'a little woman' and not be rough and wild, but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else," said Jo, thinking that keeping her temper at home was a much harder task than facing a rebel or two down South.

***There should be a space before the beginning of this sentence. Like the previous sentence, this is dialogue that should have single quotation marks instead of double, because it is already inside quoted evidence.

Edited sentence: ‘I'll try and be what he loves to call me, 'a little woman' and not be rough and wild, but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else,’ said Jo, thinking that keeping her temper at home was a much harder task than facing a rebel or two down South.

Beth said nothing, but wiped away her tears with the blue army sock and began to knit with all her might, losing no time in doing the duty that lay nearest her, while she resolved in her quiet little soul to be all that Father hoped to find her when the year brought round the happy coming home."

***There should be a space before the beginning of this sentence.

These evidence shows what they were doing in the night and the evening.

***As previously discussed, change “these evidence” to either “this evidence” or “these pieces of evidence”. The way you currently have it is not the proper way to make the noun “evidence” plural.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows what they were doing in the night and the evening.

Final Edit

***You should work on making sure that your subject-verb agreement is always consistent, and that nouns like “evidence” are in their correct plural forms. You should also work on your punctuation rules, especially making sure that all periods are followed by a space and using single quotation marks around dialogue that is inside of cited text.

Edited paragraph:

At night the characters were singing and were in the Slough of Despond, and in the evening they were just talking. It states, "for the mother was a born singer. The first sound in the morning was her voice as she went about the house singing like a lark, and the last sound at night was the same cheery sound, for the girls never grew too old for that familiar lullaby." Another piece of evidence is, "‘We all will," cried Meg. "I think too much of my looks and hate to work, but won't anymore, if I can help it.’ ‘I'll try and be what he loves to call me, 'a little woman' and not be rough and wild, but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else,’ said Jo, thinking that keeping her temper at home was a much harder task than facing a rebel or two down South. Beth said nothing, but wiped away her tears with the blue army sock and began to knit with all her might, losing no time in doing the duty that lay nearest her, while she resolved in her quiet little soul to be all that Father hoped to find her when the year brought round the happy coming home." This evidence shows what they were doing in the night and the evening.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro










  The thing that made everyone happy was that they got a letter from their father who is serving in the army and is far away. It states, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!" Another evidence is, "Yes, a nice long letter. He is well, and thinks he shall get through the cold season better than we feared. He sends all sorts of loving wishes for Christmas, and an especial message to you girls,"These evidence from the story shows how the kids and the woman were all happy after their hard day because their father who lived far to serve the army, send a letter for them. It also shows how the children emotion and mood changed after they got the letter, before they were in a bad condition and had some issues, and now after they have got the letter, they became happy and eager to open the letter and read it.


The Edits

The thing that made everyone happy was that they got a letter from their father who is serving in the army and is far away.

***Good!

It states, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!"

***Good, but we want to specify "it states" as "The text states".

Another evidence is, "Yes, a nice long letter. He is well, and thinks he shall get through the cold season better than we feared. He sends all sorts of loving wishes for Christmas, and an especial message to you girls,"

***Instead of saying "Another evidence is" let's be more specific and say: Another piece from the text states. Also, make sure to put a period after your quotation!

These evidence from the story shows how the kids and the woman were all happy after their hard day because their father who lived far to serve the army, send a letter for them.

***Since we changed the beginning of the last sentence to be more specific, let's take out "from the story" and change the beginning of the sentence to "These pieces of evidence show..." Also, this sentence says a bit too much. There's a few unnecessary things to take out. Let's take out "after their hard day" and "who lived far to serve the army,". We don't need to say that the father served in army because you already said that at the beginning. Edited sentence: These pieces of evidence show how the kids and the woman were all happy because their father had sent them a letter.

It also shows how the children emotion and mood changed after they got the letter, before they were in a bad condition and had some issues, and now after they have got the letter, they became happy and eager to open the letter and read it.

***This sentence could be shortened. "Children" needs to be changed to "children's" because there is more than one of them, so we need the plural form. I would change the sentence to: It also shows how the children's emotions and mood changed after they got the letter because they became happy and eager once they opened it.

Final Edits

The thing that made everyone happy was that they got a letter from their father who is serving in the army and is far away. The text states, "A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!" Another piece from the text states, "Yes, a nice long letter. He is well, and thinks he shall get through the cold season better than we feared. He sends all sorts of loving wishes for Christmas, and an especial message to you girls,". These pieces of evidence show how the kids and the woman were all happy because their father had sent them a letter. It also shows how the children's emotions and mood changed after they got the letter because they became happy and eager once they opened it.

Edited by Kelli Hoeppner





Original

    Beth was afraid of people looking at her when she is opening her gifts, it was on her birthday. It states, "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss. I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," said Beth,"This evidence shows how Beth was afraid and scared when after she got the presents, people stare at her when she is opening her gifts.That is what Beth is afraid of and the text evidence to suppot it.


Edits

Beth was afraid of people looking at her when she is opening her gifts, it was on her birthday.

***Try switching the order of your clauses here. It is generally better to start with a general statement and then add specific details so that from the beginning of your sentence, your reader knows what scene they should be imagining. Also, make sure you are keeping your verb tenses consistent; don’t use past and present tense for the same character’s actions in the same sentence/paragraph. Your comma should also be a semicolon because you don’t have a conjunction between your independent clauses.

Edited sentence: It was Beth’s birthday, and she was afraid of people looking at her when she was opening her gifts.

It states, "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss. I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," said Beth,"

***The comma at the end should be a period because you are ending your sentence. Also, remember that when you have dialogue inside your quoted text, the dialogue should be surrounded with single quotation marks ( ‘ ) and not ( “ ). ( “ ) Is for surrounding your quoted text and for surrounding dialogue that is ‘’’not’’’ inside of other cited text.

Edited sentence: It states, "‘I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss. I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,’ said Beth."

This evidence shows how Beth was afraid and scared when after she got the presents, people stare at her when she is opening her gifts.

***There needs to be a space before the beginning of this sentence. Again, keep your verb tenses consistent; choose either present or past and stick to it. In order to avoid unnecessary repetition, switch the first “when” to “because” and the second “when” to “while”. Change the present tense verbs “stare” and “is” to “stared” and “was”. Then, because “presents” and “gifts” are synonyms, just use a pronoun instead of the word “gifts”. All of this will help your word choice to be more diverse and interesting.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how Beth was afraid and scared because after she got the presents, people stared at her while she was opening them.

That is what Beth is afraid of and the text evidence to suppot it.

***This sentence is a bit redundant because it doesn’t say anything new. You already said almost exactly the same thing in the previous sentence. Try to add more detail to this sentence to differentiate it and add new information to your paragraph. “Support” is misspelled; try to proofread for those kinds of errors. Also, “to support” is the infinitive version of this verb, but because your subject is “text evidence”, the verb needs to be conjugated.

Edited sentence: Beth was afraid of the extra attention, which this text evidence supports.

Final Edit

***As a whole, you should work on making your verb tenses consistent. Also, make sure that you are using punctuation correctly. Quotation marks should be single around dialogue inside of the cited text, and double around the entirety of the cited text. Periods should always end a sentence (unless there is an exclamation or question mark), and there should always be a space after a period.

Edited paragraph:

It was Beth’s birthday, and she was afraid of people looking at her when she was opening her gifts. It states, "‘I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss. I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles,’ said Beth." This evidence shows how Beth was afraid and scared because after she got the presents, people stared at her while she was opening them. Beth was afraid of the extra attention, which this text evidence supports.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original

    The story stated that the girls Amy and Meg are having a hard time in their life because they are poor and they barely have anything good or valuable.It states in the text, "It's so dreadful to be poor!" sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress." Another evidence is,"I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all," added little Amy, with an injured sniff." These two evidence shows how the two girls are poor and they have nothing good and they have poor cloths and Amy has an injury. That shows how bad their life is because they barely have anything and they are depressed about having nothing like other girls have.


Edits

The story stated that the girls Amy and Meg are having a hard time in their life because they are poor and they barely have anything good or valuable.

***Replace the word “barely” with “hardly”. Delete the word “their”; it’s not necessary and the sentence’s meaning is the same without it. Add a comma before “and they” to separate your two independent clauses.

Edited sentence: The story stated that the girls Amy and Meg are having a hard time in life because they are poor, and they hardly have anything good or valuable.

It states in the text, "It's so dreadful to be poor!" sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress."

***Remember to use single quotation marks around dialogue that is contained in your quoted text, in addition to the double quotation marks around your quoted text as a whole.

Edited sentence: It states in the text, "‘It's so dreadful to be poor!’ sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress."

Another evidence is,"I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all," added little Amy, with an injured sniff."

***Remember to add “piece of” in front of a noun like “evidence” when you are quantifying it with a word like “another”. Add a space between the comma and quotation mark at the beginning of your quoted text. Add single quotation marks around the times when characters are speaking inside of your quoted text.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "‘I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all,’ added little Amy, with an injured sniff."

These two evidence shows how the two girls are poor and they have nothing good and they have poor cloths and Amy has an injury.

***Add “pieces of” before “evidence”, or change “these two” into “this”. “Cloths” should be spelled “clothes”. Also, instead of saying “and” between each part of your list, separate the clauses with commas instead. This will improve your sentence fluidity.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the two girls are poor, they have nothing good, they have poor clothes, and Amy has an injury.

That shows how bad their life is because they barely have anything and they are depressed about having nothing like other girls have.

***Add a comma before “and” to separate your independent clauses. Instead of saying “having nothing like”, say “not having what” instead. This clarifies that the other girls actually do have things, and don’t also have “nothing”.

Edited sentence: That shows how bad their life is because they barely have anything, and they are depressed about not having what other girls have.

Final Edit

***Work on your punctuation use, especially when it comes to single vs. double quotation marks in your quoted text and the proper placement of commas in lists and before conjunctions that separate independent clauses. Also, make sure that when you are using nouns like “evidence” that don’t follow regular rules regarding plurality, you are correctly quantifying them and using the correct pronouns (“this” vs. “these”).

Edited paragraph:

The story stated that the girls Amy and Meg are having a hard time in life because they are poor, and they hardly have anything good or valuable. It states in the text, "‘It's so dreadful to be poor!’ sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress." Another piece of evidence is, "‘I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all,’ added little Amy, with an injured sniff." This evidence shows how the two girls are poor, they have nothing good, they have poor clothes, and Amy has an injury. That shows how bad their life is because they barely have anything, and they are depressed about not having what other girls have.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro





 Based on the story I would describe Demi as to being a kind and nice child, but isn't a perfect child, "Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together. The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners" Another evidence is, " He was not a perfect child" These two evidence shows how Demi is a kind nice child but isn;'t perfect, he can also be serious but cheerful, " Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows the character of Demi based on the story. 


Based on the story I would describe Demi as a nice child, but not a perfect child.

*** Edited for grammar and repetition: The word "to" following as is not needed and impacts the fluency of the sentence. Kind and nice mean the same thing, so only one adjective is needed. Removing the extra word keeps the sentence clear and straight to the point. I also added a period to prevent the sentence from being a run on.

According to the text, "Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together. The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners."

*** Edited for clarity and punctuation. I added the phrase "According to the text" to introduce the reader to your evidence and indicate that the following sentence came from the referenced text. I also added a period at the end of the quote to end the sentence. When citing evidence make sure to include the period inside of the quotation marks.

Another piece of evidence is, "He was not a perfect child."

*** Edited for grammar and punctuation. When referencing a quote from the text the correct phrasing is "a piece of evidence." I also added a period to indicate the end of the sentence. I also removed the space between the quotation marks and the first word of the quote.

These two pieces of evidence show that Demi is kind, but isn't flawless.

*** Edited for punctuation, spelling, repetition and grammar. I added in "pieces of" (see comment above) and changes "shows" to "show" to use correct subject-verb agreement. I removed the semicolon from the word "isn't" for correct spelling, as contractions use an apostrophe only. I also split the sentence here to add in a phrase to set up the quote. I eliminated "nice" because only one adjective is needed here, and changed "perfect" to "flawless" to prevent repetition.

As seen by the text, Demi can also be serious but cheerful, "Demi serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children."

*** Edited for clarification and punctuation. I added the phrase "As seen by the text," to lead in to the quote. I also removed the space between the quotation marks and the first word of the quote.

The aforementioned evidence from the story demonstrates Demi's character.

*** Edited for word choice and fluency. I felt "aforementioned" and "demonstrates" were stronger words, and reordered the sentence to make it grammatically correct.

Edited Paragraph: Based on the story I would describe Demi as a nice child, but not a perfect child. According to the text, "Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together. The natural refinement which nothing but home influence can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners." Another piece of evidence is, "He was not a perfect child." These two pieces of evidence show that Demi is kind, but isn't flawless. As seen by the text, Demi can also be serious but cheerful, "Demi serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." The aforementioned evidence from the story demonstrates Demi's character.

***Overall, your text and arguments are strong and support each other well. Your claims and ideas are well proven, and you're on the right track! Make sure to check for punctuation and spelling.

Edited by Nicole Glidden



Original

   The reason Nat thinks that the school he is in is very nice because they treat him nicely and is fun. It states in the text, "Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,” said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks." This evidence shows how the school is fun because they let them have pillow fights. Another evidence is , " where he lay looking like a contented mummy and feeling that nothing more in the way of luxury could be offered him." This evidence shows how he is being treated nicely, that is why he said that the school he was in was very nice.

Edits


The reason Nat thinks that the school he is in is very nice because they treat him nicely and is fun.

***You have a missing subject before “is fun”; just add “it” before the phrase to make it complete. You are also missing a verb before “because”; add “is”. For the sake of sentence fluidity, either delete the word “that” or move it before “Nat” instead. A time when the word “that” is necessary is like this: “Nat needed something that would help him.” A time when the word “that” is ‘’unnecessary’’ is like this: “Nat knew that he was sick.” The second is unnecessary because you can rewrite it as “Nat knew he was sick”, which is still grammatically correct, means the same thing, and is more concisely worded.

Edited sentence: The reason that Nat thinks the school he is in is very nice is they treat him nicely and it is fun.

It states in the text, "Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,” said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks."

***Remember that when you have dialogue inside of your quoted evidence, the dialogue should be surrounded in single quotation marks, and the entire evidence should then also be surrounded in double quotation marks.

Edited sentence: It states in the text, "‘Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,’ said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks."

This evidence shows how the school is fun because they let them have pillow fights.

***Good.

Another evidence is , " where he lay looking like a contented mummy and feeling that nothing more in the way of luxury could be offered him."

***When you have a phrase like “another evidence”, remember that it is more grammatically correct to instead say “another piece of evidence”. Also, delete the extra space before the comma and the one after the quotation mark. Punctuation should always be right next to the word it is punctuating.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "where he lay looking like a contented mummy and feeling that nothing more in the way of luxury could be offered him."

This evidence shows how he is being treated nicely, that is why he said that the school he was in was very nice.

***Replace the word “how” with the word “that”, and replace the word “that” in the second part of the sentence with the word “which”. “How” is an interrogative pronoun, and “that” and “which” are relative pronouns. They are named differently because they are used for different purposes, so they are not always interchangeable.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows that he is being treated nicely, which is why he said that the school he was in was very nice.

Final Edit

***Overall, good job. Work on knowing which pronouns to use when, especially when using relative and interrogative pronouns. Make sure that you are placing punctuation next to the word it is modifying, and not adding an extra space in between. Finally, continue to work on the correct usage of single vs. double quotation marks when you are citing dialogue.

Edited paragraph:

The reason that Nat thinks the school he is in is very nice is they treat him nicely and it is fun. It states in the text, "‘Oh dear, no! We always allow one pillow-fight Saturday night. The cases are changed to-morrow; and it gets up a glow after the boys' baths; so I rather like it myself,’ said Mrs. Bhaer, busy again among her dozen pairs of socks." This evidence shows how the school is fun because they let them have pillow fights. Another piece of evidence is, "where he lay looking like a contented mummy and feeling that nothing more in the way of luxury could be offered him." This evidence shows that he is being treated nicely, which is why he said that the school he was in was very nice.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro



Original


 The reason why mrs bhear said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.” is because the boy did something that she thought he could never do and said that he has something good in him, it states, "for, as if he was in his element now, Nat played away and never minded anyone, while his eyes shone, his cheeks reddened, and his thin fingers flew, as he hugged the old fiddle and made it speak to all their hearts the language that he loved." Another evidence is, "You play well, my son. Come now and play something which we can sing.” These evidence shows how the boy could do something so amazing she never knew he could do. That is why she said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.”

Edits


The reason why mrs bhear said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.” is because the boy did something that she thought he could never do and said that he has something good in him, it states, "for, as if he was in his element now, Nat played away and never minded anyone, while his eyes shone, his cheeks reddened, and his thin fingers flew, as he hugged the old fiddle and made it speak to all their hearts the language that he loved."

***First, split this into two sentences before you say “it states”. Second, “mrs bhear” should always be “Mrs. Bhaer”, like you have written it in previous paragraphs. Third, when you have a quote that is in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning or end, the quote should end with a comma instead of a period to indicate that your sentence is still continuing after the quote is over. Then put a comma after “never do” and the word “she” before “said”, so we know who is speaking.

Edited sentence(s): The reason why Mrs. Bhear said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child,” is because the boy did something that she thought he could never do, and she said that he has something good in him. It states, "for, as if he was in his element now, Nat played away and never minded anyone, while his eyes shone, his cheeks reddened, and his thin fingers flew, as he hugged the old fiddle and made it speak to all their hearts the language that he loved."

Another evidence is, "You play well, my son. Come now and play something which we can sing.”

***Remember, when you’re quantifying a noun like “evidence”, it should have a phrase like “piece of” in front of it.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "You play well, my son. Come now and play something which we can sing.”

These evidence shows how the boy could do something so amazing she never knew he could do.

***Add a phrase like “piece of” in front of “evidence”, or change “these” to “this”, which will still refer to the plural subjects of all the pieces of evidence you gathered. Add a word like “that” or “which” to separate your two fragments and make them into a whole sentence.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the boy could do something so amazing, which she never knew he could do.

That is why she said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.”

***Add a comma after “said”.

Edited sentence: That is why she said, “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.”

Final Edit

***Overall, good job. Remember to add the correct quantifying phrases in front of nouns like “evidence”, which cannot be made plural by just adding an “s” on the end. Also, make sure that your sentences aren’t too long. If you notice that a very long sentence can be easily split into two, do that to make your paragraph more fluid.

Edited paragraph:

The reason why Mrs. Bhear said “Teddy is right: there's something in the child,” is because the boy did something that she thought he could never do, and she said that he has something good in him. It states, "for, as if he was in his element now, Nat played away and never minded anyone, while his eyes shone, his cheeks reddened, and his thin fingers flew, as he hugged the old fiddle and made it speak to all their hearts the language that he loved." Another piece of evidence is, "You play well, my son. Come now and play something which we can sing.” This evidence shows how the boy could do something so amazing, which she never knew he could do. That is why she said, “Teddy is right: there's something in the child.”

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro






Original


   Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person because she is nice enough to help the new boy get comfortable and feel happy, she also helped him get a bit of confidence. It states, "Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,” cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cosy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say Jack Robinson, if he had wanted to try. He said “Thank you, ma'am,” instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had." Another evidence is , "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that roly-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons. Nat felt this, and had made several small confidences during supper, which gave Mrs. Bhaer the key to the new boy's character, better than if she had talked to him herself." These evidence shows how Mrs. Bhaer was nice enough to make sure the new boy was happy and not in bad cloths, she was also very thoughtful for helping him bulid up his confidence so he can socialize with the other kids.

Edits


Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person because she is nice enough to help the new boy get comfortable and feel happy, she also helped him get a bit of confidence.

***Good! Just make sure that when you have a comma separating two phrases, you check to see if they’re each complete sentences on their own or not. If they each are a complete sentence on their own, there should be a conjunction like “and” or “but” after the comma. Here, “and” would work best.

Edited sentence: Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person because she is nice enough to help the new boy get comfortable and feel happy, and she also helped him get a bit of confidence.

It states, "Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,” cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cosy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say Jack Robinson, if he had wanted to try.

***Remember, when you have dialogue inside of your cited text, it should be surrounded in single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks, so that it is easy to see the double quotation marks at the very beginning and end of your overall cited text. Also, “cosy” is misspelled and should be “cozy”.

Edited sentence: It states, "‘Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,’ cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say Jack Robinson, if he had wanted to try.

He said “Thank you, ma'am,” instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had."

***This is another instance where there should be single quotation marks instead of double ones around your dialogue since it is already inside of your cited text.

Edited sentence: He said ‘Thank you, ma'am,’ instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had."

Another evidence is , "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that roly-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons. Nat felt this, and had made several small confidences during supper, which gave Mrs. Bhaer the key to the new boy's character, better than if she had talked to him herself."

***Delete the extra space between “another evidence is” and the comma following it. Also, remember that “evidence” is a noun that requires a ‘’quantifying phrase’’ in front of it, like “piece of”.

Edited sentences: Another piece of evidence is, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that roly-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons. Nat felt this, and had made several small confidences during supper, which gave Mrs. Bhaer the key to the new boy's character, better than if she had talked to him herself."

These evidence shows how Mrs. Bhaer was nice enough to make sure the new boy was happy and not in bad cloths, she was also very thoughtful for helping him bulid up his confidence so he can socialize with the other kids.

***To make “evidence” plural in the first part of this sentence, say either, “these pieces of evidence” or “this evidence”. Also, “cloths” would refer to several pieces of cloth (like unsewn fabric, or rags), and the word “clothes” refers to what you wear on your body. Remember to proofread to make sure words like “build” are spelled correctly. Also, remember to make sure your verb tenses agree with each other; because you use past tense in most of the sentence, use “could” instead of “can” near the end to keep your tenses consistent.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how Mrs. Bhaer was nice enough to make sure the new boy was happy and not in bad clothes, and she was also very thoughtful for helping him build up his confidence so he could socialize with the other kids.

Final Edit

***Good job! For the most part, the issues you need to work on are mainly making sure that you use single quotation marks for dialogue that’s included in your evidence, and proofreading for spelling errors.

Edited paragraph:

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person because she is nice enough to help the new boy get comfortable and feel happy, and she also helped him get a bit of confidence. It states, "‘Wet? So they are! My dear, off with your shoes this minute, and I'll have some dry things ready for you in a jiffy,’ cried Mrs. Bhaer, bustling about so energetically that Nat found himself in the cozy little chair, with dry socks and warm slippers on his feet, before he would have had time to say Jack Robinson, if he had wanted to try. He said ‘Thank you, ma'am,’ instead; and said it so gratefully that Mrs. Bhaer's eyes grew soft again, and she said something merry, because she felt so tender, which was a way she had." Another piece of evidence is, "Mrs. Bhaer had put Nat next to Tommy, because that roly-poly boy had a frank and social way with him, very attractive to shy persons. Nat felt this, and had made several small confidences during supper, which gave Mrs. Bhaer the key to the new boy's character, better than if she had talked to him herself." This evidence shows how Mrs. Bhaer was nice enough to make sure the new boy was happy and not in bad clothes, and she was also very thoughtful for helping him build up his confidence so he could socialize with the other kids.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro





Original

 I would describe this story as to being a happy kind of story because it shows how the place and the theme of the place looks happy. It states, " Nat feel at home at once." This evidence shows how the story has a happy mood to it because the place the boy is in felt like home which was a good thing. Another evidence is , "Two or three others were jumping over the desks, pausing, now and then, to get their breath and laugh at the droll sketches of a little wag who was caricaturing the whole household on a blackboard.In the room on the left a long supper-table was seen, set forth with great pitchers of new milk, piles of brown and white bread, and perfect stacks of the shiny gingerbread so dear to boyish souls. A flavor of toast was in the air, also suggestions of baked apples, very tantalizing to one hungry little nose and stomach.The hall, however, presented the most inviting prospect of all, for a brisk game of tag was going on in the upper entry." This evidence shows how the story mood is happy because the kids in the room is happy and because of the way the author describes how the kids felt and how the place was.

Edits


I would describe this story as to being a happy kind of story because it shows how the place and the theme of the place looks happy.

***”To” isn’t necessary in this sentence. Also, instead of repeating “the place” twice, say “its theme” for the second phrase, instead. Once you change this, the verb “look” should be changed from the plural to the singular.

Edited sentence: I would describe this story as being a happy kind of story because it shows how the place and its theme look happy.

It states, " Nat feel at home at once."

***Remember, there should not be a space between the quotation mark and the word that begins/ends the phrase it’s applying to. Also, make sure you are correctly copying from the text; the word “feel” is not grammatically correct here and was therefore, I assume, not used in the story. It should either be “feels” or “felt”, depending on the tense, and judging by the past tense used in the other quotes you use later in the paragraph, I think it should be “felt”.

Edited sentence: It states, "Nat felt at home at once."

This evidence shows how the story has a happy mood to it because the place the boy is in felt like home which was a good thing.

***Good.

Another evidence is , "Two or three others were jumping over the desks, pausing, now and then, to get their breath and laugh at the droll sketches of a little wag who was caricaturing the whole household on a blackboard.

***There shouldn’t be a space before the comma.

Edited sentence: Another evidence is, "Two or three others were jumping over the desks, pausing, now and then, to get their breath and laugh at the droll sketches of a little wag who was caricaturing the whole household on a blackboard.

In the room on the left a long supper-table was seen, set forth with great pitchers of new milk, piles of brown and white bread, and perfect stacks of the shiny gingerbread so dear to boyish souls.

***Remember there should be a space between each period and the beginning of a new sentence. Otherwise, this is good.

A flavor of toast was in the air, also suggestions of baked apples, very tantalizing to one hungry little nose and stomach.The hall, however, presented the most inviting prospect of all, for a brisk game of tag was going on in the upper entry."

***Like with the last sentence, there should be a space between the period and the next sentence.

Edited sentence: A flavor of toast was in the air, also suggestions of baked apples, very tantalizing to one hungry little nose and stomach. The hall, however, presented the most inviting prospect of all, for a brisk game of tag was going on in the upper entry."

This evidence shows how the story mood is happy because the kids in the room is happy and because of the way the author describes how the kids felt and how the place was.

***Replace “how” with “that” so it signals the cause-and-effect more directly. The word “mood” is being possessed by the story, so that should be written as the “story’s mood”. Also, the verb “is” applies to the plural “kids”, so it should be changed to the plural form “are”. This sentence is also fairly repetitive the way it’s currently phrased and could be more fluid. I will show an example of how to increase its fluidity in the edited sentence.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the story’s mood is happy because the kids in the room are happy and because of the way the author describes the house’s atmosphere.

Final Edit

***Overall, good effort! Remember to always put a space after a period, and try to work on the fluidity of your sentences. If you notice yourself repeating phrases or specific words in the same sentence, try to think of another way you can say that same idea. This will make your writing even more interesting, varied, and clear.

Edited paragraph:

I would describe this story as being a happy kind of story because it shows how the place and its theme look happy. It states, "Nat felt at home at once." This evidence shows how the story has a happy mood to it because the place the boy is in felt like home which was a good thing. Another evidence is, "Two or three others were jumping over the desks, pausing, now and then, to get their breath and laugh at the droll sketches of a little wag who was caricaturing the whole household on a blackboard. In the room on the left a long supper-table was seen, set forth with great pitchers of new milk, piles of brown and white bread, and perfect stacks of the shiny gingerbread so dear to boyish souls. A flavor of toast was in the air, also suggestions of baked apples, very tantalizing to one hungry little nose and stomach. The hall, however, presented the most inviting prospect of all, for a brisk game of tag was going on in the upper entry." This evidence shows how the story’s mood is happy because the kids in the room are happy and because of the way the author describes the house’s atmosphere.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original

  The Peddler got revenge on the Baron by challenging him, and at the end of the story, he ruined the party that the people in the castle and the Baron had. It states, "Days and weeks passed, and it soon became evident that the willow branch which had been stuck in the ground by the peddler, near to the castle moat, had taken root, for it remained fresh and green and put forth new twigs.The little girl saw that the branch must have taken root, and she was quite joyful about it. "This tree," she said, "must be my tree now."The tree certainly flourished, but at the castle, what with feasting and gambling, everything went to ruin;" This shows how the the peddler got his revenge on the Baron by ruining his party. Another evidence is, "I should like them to hear my challenge." This evidence shows how he is going to challenge the Baron to get his revenge on the Baron.

Edits


The Peddler got revenge on the Baron by challenging him, and at the end of the story, he ruined the party that the people in the castle and the Baron had.

***Good!

It states, "Days and weeks passed, and it soon became evident that the willow branch which had been stuck in the ground by the peddler, near to the castle moat, had taken root, for it remained fresh and green and put forth new twigs.The little girl saw that the branch must have taken root, and she was quite joyful about it.

***This section is mostly good, just make sure that you copy everything as it is in the text! There should be a space after every period, which you are missing before the second sentence.

Edited section: It states, "Days and weeks passed, and it soon became evident that the willow branch which had been stuck in the ground by the peddler, near to the castle moat, had taken root, for it remained fresh and green and put forth new twigs. The little girl saw that the branch must have taken root, and she was quite joyful about it.

"This tree," she said, "must be my tree now."The tree certainly flourished, but at the castle, what with feasting and gambling, everything went to ruin;"

***Remember that when you are including dialogue inside of the cited text, the dialogue should be surrounded with single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks, and the entirety of the cited text should be surrounded with double quotation marks. Don’t forget there should be a space after every single period. Also, even though the end of this quote might be a semicolon in the text because it is the end of your sentence here, you should replace the semicolon with a comma to indicate you are ending the quote, and then place a period after the quotation marks to end your sentence.

Edited sentence: ‘This tree,’ she said, ‘must be my tree now.’ The tree certainly flourished, but at the castle, what with feasting and gambling, everything went to ruin,".

This shows how the the peddler got his revenge on the Baron by ruining his party.

***Make sure to proofread for things like having “the” repeated accidentally. Other than that, good.

Edited sentence: This shows how the peddler got his revenge on the Baron by ruining his party.

Another evidence is, "I should like them to hear my challenge."

***This is grammatically correct, but it would be helpful to include a couple of extra details. It’s clear someone is speaking in your evidence, but you don’t include who is speaking. Adding this extra information will help your reader understand your points better and make your sentences more advanced.

Edited sentence: Another evidence is when the Peddler says, "I should like them to hear my challenge."

This evidence shows how he is going to challenge the Baron to get his revenge on the Baron.

***This is grammatically correct, but instead of repeating the word “baron” twice, it would flow better for you to avoid repetition by using more variation in your words.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how he is going to challenge the Baron in order to get his revenge.

'Final Edit

***Overall, good job! Make sure to always have a space after a period, and use single quotation marks for dialogue inside of any cited text that you include.

Edited paragraph:

The Peddler got revenge on the Baron by challenging him, and at the end of the story, he ruined the party that the people in the castle and the Baron had. It states, "Days and weeks passed, and it soon became evident that the willow branch which had been stuck in the ground by the peddler, near to the castle moat, had taken root, for it remained fresh and green and put forth new twigs. The little girl saw that the branch must have taken root, and she was quite joyful about it. ‘This tree,’ she said, ‘must be my tree now.’ The tree certainly flourished, but at the castle, what with feasting and gambling, everything went to ruin,". This shows how the peddler got his revenge on the Baron by ruining his party. Another evidence is when the Peddler says, "I should like them to hear my challenge." This evidence shows how he is going to challenge the Baron in order to get his revenge.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original


Ali baba wanted his findings to be a secret because he didn't want other people to know about were they got their rich's and about their rich's. It states, "He then emptied the bags, which raised such a great heap of gold as dazzled his wife's eyes, and then he told her the whole adventure from beginning to end, and, above all, recommended her to keep it secret." Another reason is because he doen't want everyone to go there because it was owned by robbers and they might get killed, it states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers, and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life." That is what happened when his brother knew about the gold and the cave, he ended up died.

Edits


Ali baba wanted his findings to be a secret because he didn't want other people to know about were they got their rich's and about their rich's.

***”Baba” should be capitalized because it is part of the main character’s name, so it is a proper noun. “Were” is the incorrect word here; it is the past plural of the verb “to be”. The word you want is “where”, indicating a place. Also, “rich’s” is not a word; the word you are looking for is the plural noun “riches”. Also, for better sentence fluidity, you should move “about their riches” before the “where” phrase, because it is broader than the other statement.

Edited sentence: Ali Baba wanted his findings to be a secret because he didn't want other people to know about their riches and where they got them.

It states, "He then emptied the bags, which raised such a great heap of gold as dazzled his wife's eyes, and then he told her the whole adventure from beginning to end, and, above all, recommended her to keep it secret."

***Good!

Another reason is because he doen't want everyone to go there because it was owned by robbers and they might get killed, it states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers, and resolved to make one effort for his life.

***Your words are a little switched around in this sentence. Instead of saying “because” twice, the correct order of words would be, “another reason he doesn’t want everyone to go there is because it was owned by…” and so on. This way, it is much clearer which verb belongs to which subject, and the unnecessary conjunctions (like “because”) are eliminated. “Doesn’t” is also misspelled. Additionally, you should either split this sentence into two sentences by putting a period before “it states” and starting a brand new sentence, or just replacing the comma before “it states” with a semicolon in order for the sentence to be correct.

Edited sentence: Another reason he doesn’t want everyone to go there is because it was owned by robbers and they might get killed; it states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers, and resolved to make one effort for his life.

He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life."

***Good.

That is what happened when his brother knew about the gold and the cave, he ended up died.

***Instead of saying “that is what happened”, try using a phrase like, “this quote demonstrates that”. It is more formal and indicates you’re talking about another story instead of something that actually happened. Also, “died” is a verb, not a state of being; the word you should use instead is “dead”. Also, because this is your concluding sentence, you should consider adding a few more details to summarize your paragraph. Why is it important to the theme of your paragraph (Ali Baba wanting to keep the cave a secret) that his brother died when he discovered it? If you include a few extra words explaining this, it will wrap up your paragraph nicely.

Edited sentence: This quote demonstrates that when Ali Baba’s brother knew about the gold and the cave, he ended up dead, which is why Ali Baba doesn’t want anyone else to find out about it.

Final Edit

***Overall, good job! Make sure to keep an eye on the fluidity of your sentences. Are there two parts of your sentence that you are currently separating with a comma, that could be switched around and have the comma be eliminated? This is sometimes a signal that there is a simpler way to write your sentence. Also, make sure to proofread for simple misspellings like “doen’t” (“doesn’t).

Edited paragraph:

Ali Baba wanted his findings to be a secret because he didn't want other people to know about their riches and where they got them. It states, "He then emptied the bags, which raised such a great heap of gold as dazzled his wife's eyes, and then he told her the whole adventure from beginning to end, and, above all, recommended her to keep it secret." Another reason he doesn’t want everyone to go there is because it was owned by robbers and they might get killed; it states, "Cassim, who heard the noise of the horses' feet, at once guessed the arrival of the robbers, and resolved to make one effort for his life. He rushed to the door, and no sooner saw the door open, than he ran out and threw the leader down, but could not escape the other robbers, who with their scimitars soon deprived him of life." This quote demonstrates that when Ali Baba’s brother knew about the gold and the cave, he ended up dead, which is why Ali Baba doesn’t want anyone else to find out about it.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro



Original


We know that the author is using personification because when he wrote the story, he made things in real life that couldn't talk, talk in the story. It states in the text, "Ah, yes, no doubt," said the fern, "but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty"; and then it sang quite mournfully:" Another evidence is, "People say that I look exceedingly well," said the flax, "and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing[4] is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I."These two evidence shows how the author made plants and other things that doesn't talk in real life have the ability to do and say things like humans.

Edits


We know that the author is using personification because when he wrote the story, he made things in real life that couldn't talk, talk in the story.

***This sentence is grammatically correct, but it would be more fluid if you rearranged it a bit differently. Switch the position of “talk in the story” with the position of the phrase “in real life that couldn’t talk” to get rid of unnecessary commas and make the sentence more straightforward. Also, instead of the word “couldn’t”, use “can’t” or “wouldn’t” instead.

Edited sentence: We know that the author is using personification because when he wrote the story, he made things talk in the story that can’t talk in real life.

It states in the text, "Ah, yes, no doubt," said the fern, "but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty"; and then it sang quite mournfully:"

***Use double quotation marks for the beginning and end of your cited text, and single quotation marks for dialogue inside of that. That way you are able to tell the difference between them. Also, you can’t end a sentence with a colon (:). Even though that is what is used in the text you are citing, ‘’’because this is the end of the sentence in your summary, it is acceptable to replace the punctuation used in the text with a comma to end the quotation’’’. You place the comma inside the quotation marks, and then put a period after the quotation mark to end your sentence. It may look odd, but it is more grammatically correct than ending with a colon.

Edited sentence: It states in the text, ‘Ah, yes, no doubt,’ said the fern, ‘but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty’; and then it sang quite mournfully,".

Another evidence is, "People say that I look exceedingly well," said the flax, "and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen.

***This is another instance where there is dialogue inside of the cited text. Use single quotation marks for the dialogue, with double quotation marks at the very beginning to mark the beginning of your cited text. Additionally, “evidence” is not a noun that is quantifiable - that is to say, you can’t count evidence (one evidence, two evidence, etc.) the way you can count other nouns (one fish, two fish). To correctly use “evidence” in a sentence as a quantity, or to indicate you are including another one, say “piece of evidence” or “bit of evidence”.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "‘People say that I look exceedingly well,’ said the flax, ‘and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen.

How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing[4] is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I."

***Remember to end this section with both a single quotation mark, to end the flax’s dialogue, ‘’’and’’’ a double quotation mark, to end your cited text. You can also delete the [4] here, as I assume that is a link to a footnote in the original story, and therefore not necessary to include in your article summary.

Edited section: How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.’"

These two evidence shows how the author made plants and other things that doesn't talk in real life have the ability to do and say things like humans.

***Remember to have a space before this sentence - because the quotation mark belongs to the word before it, which is the cited text, there should be a space between the “ and the word that ‘’’is not’’’ cited text. Also, “evidence” should be plural here, because there is more than one. However, “evidences” is not a word when it is used as the plural noun. A good replacement would be to say, “These two pieces of evidence”. Because “evidence” should be plural, the verb “shows” should instead be the plural “show”. Also, the verb “doesn’t” is singular, and because both “plants and other things” are plural and they’re what the verb applies to, the verb should instead be “don’t”, the plural version.

Edited sentence: These two pieces of evidence show how the author made plants and other things that don’t talk in real life have the ability to do and say things like humans.

Final Edit

***Overall, good job! Make sure to use single quotation marks for dialogue inside of the cited text, and double-check if you are using a verb or noun in its correct form, especially when it comes to singular vs. plural.

Edited paragraph:

We know that the author is using personification because when he wrote the story, he made things talk in the story that can’t talk in real life. It states in the text, ‘Ah, yes, no doubt,’ said the fern, ‘but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty’; and then it sang quite mournfully,". Another piece of evidence is, "‘People say that I look exceedingly well,’ said the flax, ‘and that I am so fine and long that I shall make a beautiful piece of linen. How fortunate I am! It makes me so happy to know that something can be made of me. How the sunshine cheers me, and how sweet and refreshing is the rain! My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.’" These two pieces of evidence show how the author made plants and other things that don’t talk in real life have the ability to do and say things like humans.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




Original


The story is mostly about a flower called the dandelions were very ugly and the apple felt bad for them and learned that there has to be difference in the world and that even if you are ugly, god will still love and notice all the same. It states, " "A difference!" cried the sunbeam as he kissed the blooming apple branch and then kissed the yellow dandelion out in the fields. All were brothers, and the sunbeam kissed them—the poor flowers as well as the rich.The apple bough had never thought of the boundless love of God which extends over all the works of creation, over everything which lives and moves and has its being in Him. He had never thought of the good and beautiful which are so often hidden, but can never remain forgotten by Him, not only among the lower creation, but also among men. The sunbeam, the ray of light, knew better." Another evidence is , ""Poor despised herbs," said the apple branch; "there is really a difference between them and such as I am. How unhappy they must be if they can feel as those in my position do! There is a difference indeed, and so there ought to be, or we should all be equals."And the apple branch looked with a sort of pity upon them, especially on a certain little flower that is found in fields and in ditches. No one bound these flowers together, they were too common,—they were even known to grow between the paving stones, shooting up everywhere like bad weeds,—and they bore the very ugly name of "dog flowers," or "dandelions." This evidence shows how the apple felt bad for the dandelion because they were ugly, and how the apple knew that even though you are an ugly flower or human, god will love you the same.

Edits


The story is mostly about a flower called the dandelions were very ugly and the apple felt bad for them and learned that there has to be difference in the world and that even if you are ugly, god will still love and notice all the same.

***Change “a flower” to “a type of flower” and delete “the”, so that “dandelions” will agree with the phrase that comes before, in terms of plurality. Also, consider breaking this long sentence up with a semicolon instead of another “and”, and God should be capitalized.

Edited sentence: The story is mostly about a type of flower called dandelions, which were very ugly and the apple felt bad for them; but the apple learned that there have to be differences in the world and that even if you are ugly, God will still love and notice you all the same.

It states, " "A difference!" cried the sunbeam as he kissed the blooming apple branch and then kissed the yellow dandelion out in the fields. All were brothers, and the sunbeam kissed them—the poor flowers as well as the rich.The apple bough had never thought of the boundless love of God which extends over all the works of creation, over everything which lives and moves and has its being in Him. He had never thought of the good and beautiful which are so often hidden, but can never remain forgotten by Him, not only among the lower creation, but also among men. The sunbeam, the ray of light, knew better."

***This section is mostly good! Just remember, when there is dialogue or someone speaking inside of text that you are citing, that dialogue should be between single quotation marks, not double quotation marks. This allows the beginning of your cited text and the beginning of the dialogue within the cited text to be easier to see. Also, there should be a space before “The apple bough”, because it begins a new sentence.

Edited section: The story states, "‘A difference!’ cried the sunbeam as he kissed the blooming apple branch and then kissed the yellow dandelion out in the fields. All were brothers, and the sunbeam kissed them—the poor flowers as well as the rich. The apple bough had never thought of the boundless love of God which extends over all the works of creation, over everything which lives and moves and has its being in Him. He had never thought of the good and beautiful which are so often hidden, but can never remain forgotten by Him, not only among the lower creation, but also among men. The sunbeam, the ray of light, knew better."

Another evidence is , ""Poor despised herbs," said the apple branch; "there is really a difference between them and such as I am. How unhappy they must be if they can feel as those in my position do! There is a difference indeed, and so there ought to be, or we should all be equals."

***Like the last section, this section contains dialogue within your cited text that should be contained in single quotation marks; leave the double quotation marks for the beginning/end of your entire phrase of the cited text. Also, there should not be a space between “is” and the comma that comes after it.

Edited section: Another evidence is, "‘Poor despised herbs,’ said the apple branch; ‘there is really a difference between them and such as I am. How unhappy they must be if they can feel as those in my position do! There is a difference indeed, and so there ought to be, or we should all be equals.’

And the apple branch looked with a sort of pity upon them, especially on a certain little flower that is found in fields and in ditches. No one bound these flowers together, they were too common,—they were even known to grow between the paving stones, shooting up everywhere like bad weeds,—and they bore the very ugly name of "dog flowers," or "dandelions."

***Make sure there is a space before the first word so that it is separated from the quotation mark that comes before it. Like with dialogue, if there are normally double quotation marks around the name of a thing, like with “dog flowers” in this section, they should go inside single quotation marks instead when they are in your cited text. This would look like “‘dog flowers,’ or ‘dandelions.’”

Edited section: And the apple branch looked with a sort of pity upon them, especially on a certain little flower that is found in fields and in ditches. No one bound these flowers together, they were too common,—they were even known to grow between the paving stones, shooting up everywhere like bad weeds,—and they bore the very ugly name of ‘dog flowers,’ or ‘dandelions.’”

This evidence shows how the apple felt bad for the dandelion because they were ugly, and how the apple knew that even though you are an ugly flower or human, god will love you the same.

***This is a good example of restating your original claim in a new, differently-phrased way! Because “they were” is plural and applies to the noun “dandelion”, the noun should also be plural (“dandelions”). “Though” is also probably better replaced with the word “if” instead, to get your point across better. God should be capitalized here, like in the first sentence.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the apple felt bad for the dandelions because they were ugly, and how the apple knew that even if you are an ugly flower of human, God will love you the same.

Final Edit

***Overall, good job! Make sure to focus on including single quotation marks instead of double ones when you are including dialogue or other phrases with quotation marks around them ‘’’inside of’’’ your cited text fragments. Also, pay attention to verb-noun agreements, especially when it comes to singular vs. plural!

Edited paragraph:

The story is mostly about a type of flower called dandelions, which were very ugly and the apple felt bad for them; but the apple learned that there have to be differences in the world and that even if you are ugly, God will still love and notice you all the same. The story states, "‘A difference!’ cried the sunbeam as he kissed the blooming apple branch and then kissed the yellow dandelion out in the fields. All were brothers, and the sunbeam kissed them—the poor flowers as well as the rich. The apple bough had never thought of the boundless love of God which extends over all the works of creation, over everything which lives and moves and has its being in Him. He had never thought of the good and beautiful which are so often hidden, but can never remain forgotten by Him, not only among the lower creation, but also among men. The sunbeam, the ray of light, knew better." Another evidence is, "‘Poor despised herbs,’ said the apple branch; ‘there is really a difference between them and such as I am. How unhappy they must be if they can feel as those in my position do! There is a difference indeed, and so there ought to be, or we should all be equals.’ And the apple branch looked with a sort of pity upon them, especially on a certain little flower that is found in fields and in ditches. No one bound these flowers together, they were too common,—they were even known to grow between the paving stones, shooting up everywhere like bad weeds,—and they bore the very ugly name of ‘dog flowers,’ or ‘dandelions.’” This evidence shows how the apple felt bad for the dandelions because they were ugly, and how the apple knew that even if you are an ugly flower of human, God will love you the same.

Edited by Natasha Vatalaro




   The difference between the frog and the grasshopper is that the front is more wiser than the grasshopper and the grasshopper is rude unlike the frog. It States in the text, ""The treasure is great and all would want it," said the King; "therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." And so he won the treasure." This evidence shows how the frog was wise to know that he need to jump on the princess lap because that is the highest place. Another evidence is , "The Grasshopper jumped only half as high."This shows how the grasshopper wasn't being very smart. The last evidence is , "; but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness. " This evidence shows how the grasshopper was rude to the king unlike the frog and jumped on his face.


The difference between the frog and the grasshopper is that the front is more wiser than the grasshopper and the grasshopper is rude unlike the frog.

*** Spell “front” as “frog.” Remove “more” before “wiser.”

Edited sentence: The difference between the frog and the grasshopper is that the frog is wiser than the grasshopper and the grasshopper is rude unlike the frog.

It States in the text, ""The treasure is great and all would want it," said the King; "therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." And so he won the treasure."

*** “States” does not need to be capitalized. Since “It” may refer to the text, this sentence can begin with “The text states.” When a character speaks inside of a quote, add a single quotation mark (‘) before and after what the character says. Remove the period after “Thus.”

Edited sentence: The text states, "’The treasure is great and all would want it,’ said the King; ‘therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has.’ And so he won the treasure."

This evidence shows how the frog was wise to know that he need to jump on the princess lap because that is the highest place.

*** Add “ed” after “need.” Add ‘s after “princess.” Change “is” to “was.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the frog was wise to know that he needed to jump on the princess’s lap because that was the highest place.

Another evidence is , "The Grasshopper jumped only half as high."

*** Remove the space before the comma.

Edited sentence: Another evidence is, "The Grasshopper jumped only half as high."

This shows how the grasshopper wasn't being very smart.

*** Good.

The last evidence is , "; but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness. "

*** Remove the space before the first comma in this sentence. Remove the semicolon (;) and the space after it. Remove the space before the last quotation mark.

Edited sentence: The last evidence is, "but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness."

This evidence shows how the grasshopper was rude to the king unlike the frog and jumped on his face.

*** To keep the grasshopper’s actions together, move “unlike the frog” after “face.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the grasshopper was rude to the king and jumped on his face unlike the frog.

*** Remove extra spaces. Remember that there is always a space after a comma. There should not be a space before a comma. When a character speaks inside of a quote, add a single quotation mark (‘) before and after what the character says. Watch out for misspelled words—”front” is spelled differently from “frog.”

Fully edited paragraph:

The difference between the frog and the grasshopper is that the frog is wiser than the grasshopper and the grasshopper is rude unlike the frog. The text states, "’The treasure is great and all would want it,’ said the King; ‘therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has.’ And so he won the treasure." This evidence shows how the frog was wise to know that he needed to jump on the princess’s lap because that was the highest place. Another evidence is, "The Grasshopper jumped only half as high." This shows how the grasshopper wasn't being very smart. The last evidence is, "but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness." This evidence shows how the grasshopper was rude to the king and jumped on his face unlike the frog.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Insert non-formatted text here

    THE LAPLAND WOMAN AND THE FINLAND WOMAN
 The protagonist in the story is little Gerda and the antagonist in the story is the Snow Queen, I know that little Gerda is the protagonist in the story because she is the one who is trying to save someone from the Snow Queens evil spell. And I know that the Snow Queen is the antagonist in the story because she is the one that the hero ,little Gerda , is trying to conquer. It states in the text, " If she cannot herself obtain access to the Snow Queen and remove the glass fragments from little Kay, we can do nothing to help her. " This shows how little Gerda is going to try to conquer the Snow Queen, and that it shows that little Garda is the hero because she is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen. Another evidence is , "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."This evidence shows how evil the Snow Queen is and how she is the bad guy or the antagonist of the story.


THE LAPLAND WOMAN AND THE FINLAND WOMAN

*** Only the first letter of each word needs to be capitalized, except for “and the.”

Edited title: The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman

The protagonist in the story is little Gerda and the antagonist in the story is the Snow Queen, I know that little Gerda is the protagonist in the story because she is the one who is trying to save someone from the Snow Queens evil spell.

*** Avoid using first person point of view — do not use “I” or “I know.” Replace “I know that” with “and.” Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “Queens.”

Edited sentence: The protagonist in the story is little Gerda and the antagonist in the story is the Snow Queen, and little Gerda is the protagonist in the story because she is the one who is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen’s evil spell.

And I know that the Snow Queen is the antagonist in the story because she is the one that the hero ,little Gerda , is trying to conquer.

*** Remove “I know that.” A space should always come after a comma. Remove the spaces before the commas.

Edited sentence: And the Snow Queen is the antagonist in the story because she is the one that the hero, little Gerda, is trying to conquer.

It states in the text, " If she cannot herself obtain access to the Snow Queen and remove the glass fragments from little Kay, we can do nothing to help her. "

*** This sentence can begin with “The text states.” A space should only come before the first quotation mark. At the end of a quote, a space should only come after the last quotation mark.

Edited sentence: The text states, “If she cannot herself obtain access to the Snow Queen and remove the glass fragments from little Kay, we can do nothing to help her.”

This shows how little Gerda is going to try to conquer the Snow Queen, and that it shows that little Garda is the hero because she is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen.

*** Remove the first “that” before “it shows.”

Edited sentence: This shows how little Gerda is going to try to conquer the Snow Queen, and it shows that little Garda is the hero because she is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen.

Another evidence is , "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."

*** Add a space after the quote. Remove the space before the first comma. Make sure the quote matches the text you are using. In the version I am looking at, there is a comma after “his liking.” Change “and this is because” to “but this is because.” Change “splinter” to “piece.”

Edited sentence: Another evidence is, "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking, that he believes it is the finest place in the world; but this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little piece of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."

This evidence shows how evil the Snow Queen is and how she is the bad guy or the antagonist of the story.

*** Since “antagonist” is already used in this sentence, “the bad guy” can be removed.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how evil the Snow Queen is and how she is the antagonist of the story.

*** Remember that a space always comes after a comma, but not before a comma. Add a space before the first quotation mark only, not before the last quotation mark. Avoid using first person point of view — do not use “I” or “I know.” Use third person point of view only.

Fully edited paragraph:

The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman

The protagonist in the story is little Gerda and the antagonist in the story is the Snow Queen, and little Gerda is the protagonist in the story because she is the one who is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen’s evil spell. And the Snow Queen is the antagonist in the story because she is the one that the hero, little Gerda, is trying to conquer. The text states, “If she cannot herself obtain access to the Snow Queen and remove the glass fragments from little Kay, we can do nothing to help her.” This shows how little Gerda is going to try to conquer the Snow Queen, and it shows that little Garda is the hero because she is trying to save someone from the Snow Queen. Another evidence is, "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking, that he believes it is the finest place in the world; but this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little piece of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him." This evidence shows how evil the Snow Queen is and how she is the antagonist of the story.

Edited by Penny Yagake






The word company in the story means a place where soldiers come together and practice and do solider things. It states , " He fully realized that he had bade a long farewell to all the comforts and luxuries of home. That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed." Another evidence is , "“What in the name of creation are you doing there, Fred?” exclaimed Tom, laughing at the ludicrous attitude of the embryo secessionist.“Hush! Don’t say a word, Tom. Sit down here where I can talk with you,” added Fred.“What are you doing here?” “I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?”“What company?”“Captain Benson’s, of course.”“No.”“I want to join.”“You!” screamed Tom.“Come, come, Tom, no blackguarding now. You and I used to be good friends.” “I’ve nothing against you, Fred—that is, if you’re not a traitor.”“I want to join the company.”This shows how the word company isn't a real company, it is a place where soldiers come together and does solider things.


The word company in the story means a place where soldiers come together and practice and do solider things.

*** Since the word “company” is being pointed out, add quotation marks around “company” to make it stand out. Spell “solider” as “soldier.” Try not to use the word “thing” as the reader may not know what it is. Try to name the “thing” or describe it.

Edited sentence: The word “company” in the story means a place where soldiers come together and practice and do soldier activities.

It states , " He fully realized that he had bade a long farewell to all the comforts and luxuries of home. That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed."

*** To make the sentence clearer, change “It states” to “The text states.” Remove the space before the first comma in this sentence. Also remove the space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: The text states, "He fully realized that he had bade a long farewell to all the comforts and luxuries of home. That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed."

Another evidence is , "“What in the name of creation are you doing there, Fred?” exclaimed Tom, laughing at the ludicrous attitude of the embryo secessionist.“Hush! Don’t say a word, Tom. Sit down here where I can talk with you,” added Fred.“What are you doing here?” “I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?”“What company?”“Captain Benson’s, of course.”“No.”“I want to join.”“You!” screamed Tom.“Come, come, Tom, no blackguarding now. You and I used to be good friends.” “I’ve nothing against you, Fred—that is, if you’re not a traitor.”“I want to join the company.”

*** Add “from the text” after “evidence.” Remove the space before the first comma in this sentence. When using a conversation between two characters, it’s a good idea to separate each sentence that a character says into its own paragraph. This is called a block quote. Add a space after the last quotation mark.

Edited sentence: Another evidence from the text is:

“What in the name of creation are you doing there, Fred?” exclaimed Tom, laughing at the ludicrous attitude of the embryo secessionist.

“Hush! Don’t say a word, Tom. Sit down here where I can talk with you,” added Fred.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?”

“What company?”

“Captain Benson’s, of course.”

“No.”

“I want to join.”

“You!” screamed Tom.

“Come, come, Tom, no blackguarding now. You and I used to be good friends.”

“I’ve nothing against you, Fred—that is, if you’re not a traitor.”

“I want to join the company.”


This shows how the word company isn't a real company, it is a place where soldiers come together and does solider things.

*** Since the word “company” is being pointed out, add quotation marks around the first time “company” is mentioned to make it stand out. Since “soldiers” is a plural noun, it should be followed by a plural verb. To do this, change “does” to “do.” Spell “solider” as “soldier.” Try not to use the word “thing” as the reader may not know what it is. Try to name the “thing” or describe it.

Edited sentence: This shows how the word “company” isn't a real company, it is a place where soldiers come together and do soldier activities.

*** Watch out for misspelled words. Remember to add a space only after a comma. Try not to use the word “thing” as the reader may not know what it is. Try to name the “thing” or describe it.

Fully edited paragraph:

The word “company” in the story means a place where soldiers come together and practice and do soldier activities. The text states, "He fully realized that he had bade a long farewell to all the comforts and luxuries of home. That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed." Another evidence from the text is:


“What in the name of creation are you doing there, Fred?” exclaimed Tom, laughing at the ludicrous attitude of the embryo secessionist.

“Hush! Don’t say a word, Tom. Sit down here where I can talk with you,” added Fred.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ll tell if you will keep quiet a moment. Is the company full?”

“What company?”

“Captain Benson’s, of course.”

“No.”

“I want to join.”

“You!” screamed Tom.

“Come, come, Tom, no blackguarding now. You and I used to be good friends.”

“I’ve nothing against you, Fred—that is, if you’re not a traitor.”

“I want to join the company.”


This shows how the word “company” isn't a real company, it is a place where soldiers come together and do soldier activities.

Edited by Penny Yagake






   The snails in the story were acting like humans because they were talking like humans.Also because they had a house and adopted a child like a human. It states in the text, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him. " This shows how the snails adopted their own child and acted like a human parents. Another evidence is , ""There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail; "they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond." This evidence shows how the snails are talking like humans do which comes to the conclusion that the snails are acting like humans.


The snails in the story were acting like humans because they were talking like humans.

*** Good. Add a space after the period at the end of this sentence.

Also because they had a house and adopted a child like a human.

*** “Also because they” can be shortened to “They also.”

Edited sentence: They also had a house and adopted a child like a human.

It states in the text, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him. "

*** “It states in the text” can be shortened to “The text states.” Remove the extra space before the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Edited sentence: The text states, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him."

This shows how the snails adopted their own child and acted like a human parents.

*** Remove “a” before “human parents.”

Edited sentence: This shows how the snails adopted their own child and acted like human parents.

Another evidence is , ""There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail; "they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond."

*** Remove the space before the first comma. When there is a quote inside another quote, such as the snails speaking, add single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quotes. Add a space before “There is nothing better.”

Edited sentence: Another evidence is, "’There are drops, too,’ said the Mother Snail; ‘they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.’ ‘There is nothing better than what we have here,’ said the Father Snail. ‘I wish for nothing beyond.’”

This evidence shows how the snails are talking like humans do which comes to the conclusion that the snails are acting like humans.

*** Change “comes” to “leads.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the snails are talking like humans do which leads to the conclusion that the snails are acting like humans.

*** Note where spacing has been corrected. When a character is speaking inside of a quote, add single quotation marks (‘) around the words that the character says.

Fully edited paragraph:

The snails in the story were acting like humans because they were talking like humans. They also had a house and adopted a child like a human. The text states, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him." This shows how the snails adopted their own child and acted like human parents. Another evidence is, "’There are drops, too,’ said the Mother Snail; ‘they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.’ ‘There is nothing better than what we have here,’ said the Father Snail. ‘I wish for nothing beyond.’” This evidence shows how the snails are talking like humans do which leads to the conclusion that the snails are acting like humans.

Edited by Penny Yagake






  The author is trying to tell the readers to always listen when others are trying to help and don't have over confidence that you are better than anyone else or else you will face problems. It states in the text, "Then the willow told them of the naughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." This evidence shows how the buckwheat was now burned from the lightning because he was being naughty . Another evidence is, ""Inferior, indeed!" said the buckwheat. "Now I intend to have a peep into heaven." Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." This evidence shows how the buckwheat thought that he was braver and better than everyone else so he didn't listen to them and had over confidence.


The author is trying to tell the readers to always listen when others are trying to help and don't have over confidence that you are better than anyone else or else you will face problems.

*** Change “don’t have over confidence” to “to not be overconfident” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “you” can be changed to “they.” “anyone else” can be changed to “others.”

Edited sentence: The author is trying to tell the readers to always listen when others are trying to help and to not be overconfident that they are better than others or else they will face problems.

It states in the text, "Then the willow told them of the naughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."

*** The sentence can begin with “The text states.” The word “naughty” should be replaced with “haughty” according to the text.

Edited sentence: The text states, “Then the willow told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."

This evidence shows how the buckwheat was now burned from the lightning because he was being naughty .

*** Remove the extra space before the period. Change “naughty” to “haughty.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the buckwheat was now burned from the lightning because he was being haughty.

Another evidence is, ""Inferior, indeed!" said the buckwheat. "Now I intend to have a peep into heaven." Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames."

*** When there is another quote inside a quote, such as the buckwheat speaking, place single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quote.

Edited sentence: Another evidence is, "’Inferior, indeed!’ said the buckwheat. ‘Now I intend to have a peep into heaven.’ Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames."

This evidence shows how the buckwheat thought that he was braver and better than everyone else so he didn't listen to them and had over confidence.

*** “overconfidence” is one word.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how the buckwheat thought that he was braver and better than everyone else so he didn't listen to them and had overconfidence.

*** Note where punctuation and spelling have been corrected. When there is another quote inside a quote, place single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quote. Make sure words from the text are spelled correctly — “naughty” describes someone who behaves badly while “haughty” describes a person who thinks they are better than others. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Fully edited paragraph:

The author is trying to tell the readers to always listen when others are trying to help and to not be overconfident that they are better than others or else they will face problems. The text states, “Then the willow told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." This evidence shows how the buckwheat was now burned from the lightning because he was being haughty. Another evidence is, "’Inferior, indeed!’ said the buckwheat. ‘Now I intend to have a peep into heaven.’ Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." This evidence shows how the buckwheat thought that he was braver and better than everyone else so he didn't listen to them and had overconfidence.

Edited by Penny Yagake






 The princesses are different from one another is because they have different interests, one like a bed shaped as a whale and another likes her's as a little mermaid but the youngest likes her's round like the sun, she is the one who is more curious about mens and human unlike the others. It states in the text, " One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Another evidence is , " She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy. "These evidence shows how they are very different from each other, and how they have different interest.


The princesses are different from one another is because they have different interests, one like a bed shaped as a whale and another likes her's as a little mermaid but the youngest likes her's round like the sun, she is the one who is more curious about mens and human unlike the others.

*** Remove “is” before “because.” Replace the comma with a dash after “interests.” Note that the story describes each princess’s “flower-bed” which is different from a bed. A “flower-bed” is for planting flowers. Remove the apostrophe in “her’s.” Add a “s” after “human.”

Edited sentence: The princesses are different from one another because they have different interests — one likes her flower-bed shaped as a whale and another likes hers shaped as a little mermaid but the youngest likes hers round like the sun, and she is the one who is more curious about humans unlike the others.

It states in the text, " One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams."

*** Remove the extra space before “One.” This sentence can start with “The text states.”

Edited sentence: The text states, " One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams."

Another evidence is , " She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy. "

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark and remove the extra space before the last quotation mark. Also remove the extra space before the first comma. Add “piece of” before “evidence.”

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, "She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy."

These evidence shows how they are very different from each other, and how they have different interest.

*** Change “These” to “This.” Since this paragraph is discussing the interests of more than one princess, add a “s” after “interest.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how they are very different from each other, and how they have different interests.

*** Watch out for extra spaces. There should be a space after a comma, but not before the comma. A space should come before the first quotation mark, but not after the first quotation mark. Note where a “s” has been added to words that should be plural. Write “her’s” as “hers.”

Fully edited article:

The princesses are different from one another because they have different interests — one likes her flower-bed shaped as a whale and another likes hers shaped as a little mermaid but the youngest likes hers round like the sun, and she is the one who is more curious about humans unlike the others. The text states, " One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams." Another piece of evidence is, "She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful, and while the other sisters decked out their gardens with all kinds of extraordinary objects which they got from wrecks, she would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy." This evidence shows how they are very different from each other, and how they have different interests.

Edited by Penny Yagake






    Boston Dynamics robot dog is assisting during the pandemic of the COVID-19.One way that they are assisting is by helping them talk to the person and while staying in distance.According to the text,"Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."This shows that the dog  is helping the doctors by letting them able to have conversation with the person from a distance, so they are not too close to them.They are also helping the people by letting the patient stay home and the robot can come to their house instead of them going to the hospital. It states, "The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes." This show how the robots can allow humans to stay home and still be able to get treated. 


Boston Dynamics robot dog is assisting during the pandemic of the COVID-19.

*** Add a single quotation mark after “Dynamics.” The phrase “the pandemic of the COVID-19” can be shortened to “the COVID-19 pandemic. Add “hospitals” after “assisting.”

Edited sentence: Boston Dynamics’ robot dog is assisting hospitals during the COVID-19 pandemic.

One way that they are assisting is by helping them talk to the person and while staying in distance.

*** Add a space at the end of this sentence. Identify “them” as “doctors.” Also identify “the person” as “patients.” Remove “and” before “while.” Change “in distance” to “at a distance.”

Edited sentence: One way that they are assisting is by helping doctors talk to patients while staying at a distance.

According to the text,"Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."

*** Add a space after the first comma, before the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: According to the text, “Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."

This shows that the dog is helping the doctors by letting them able to have conversation with the person from a distance, so they are not too close to them.

*** Remove the extra space after “dog.” Add “be” before “able.” Change “the person” to “a person.”

Edited sentence: This shows that the dog is helping the doctors by letting them be able to have conversation with a person from a distance, so they are not too close to them.

They are also helping the people by letting the patient stay home and the robot can come to their house instead of them going to the hospital.

*** Identify “people” as “doctors.” The phrase “instead of them going” can be changed to “instead of having the patient go.”

Edited sentence: They are also helping the doctors by letting the patient stay home and the robot can come to their house instead of having the patient go to the hospital.

It states, "The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes."

*** Instead of “It,” use “The article.”

Edited sentence: The article states, “The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes."

This show how the robots can allow humans to stay home and still be able to get treated.

*** Add a “s” at the end of “show.”

Edited sentence: This shows how the robots can allow humans to stay home and still be able to get treated.

*** When using words like “them” and “they,” make sure the sentence clearly identifies who “they” or “them” is. Make sure there is a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Watch out for missing words and extra spaces.

Fully edited paragraph:

Boston Dynamics’ robot dog is assisting hospitals during the COVID-19 pandemic. One way that they are assisting is by helping doctors talk to patients while staying at a distance. According to the text, “Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them." This shows that the dog is helping the doctors by letting them be able to have conversation with a person from a distance, so they are not too close to them. They are also helping the doctors by letting the patient stay home and the robot can come to their house instead of having the patient go to the hospital. The article states, “The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes." This shows how the robots can allow humans to stay home and still be able to get treated.

Edited by Penny Yagake






 Wish To Cleanse Your Brain Of Toxins? Get Your ZZZs
In the research, a large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains when the researchers investigated their mind. It states in the text , "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." Another evidence is , " Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion. "There would be this electrical wave where all the neurons would go quiet," Dr. Lewis said." These evidence shows what happened in the research. 


Wish To Cleanse Your Brain Of Toxins? Get Your ZZZs

*** This title seems to be from this article: https://www.dogonews.com/2020/4/22/wish-to-cleanse-your-brain-of-toxins-get-your-zzzs. If so, please rewrite the title of the summary.

In the research, a large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains when the researchers investigated their mind.

*** Remove “a.” Add a “s” at the end of “mind.” You can add more detail, such as “researchers investigated their minds while they slept,” for example.

Edited sentence: In the research, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains when the researchers investigated their minds while they slept.

It states in the text , "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."

*** This sentence can start with “The text states.” Remove the space before the comma.

Edited sentence: The text states, "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."

Another evidence is , " Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion. "There would be this electrical wave where all the neurons would go quiet," Dr. Lewis said."

*** Add “piece of” before “evidence.” Remove the space before the comma and remove the space before “Even.” When a person speaks inside of a quote, put single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.

Edited sentence: Another piece of evidence is, “Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion. ‘There would be this electrical wave where all the neurons would go quiet,’ Dr. Lewis said."

These evidence shows what happened in the research.

*** Change “These” to “This.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows what happened in the research.

*** Note the edits on spacing — there should only be a space after a comma, but not before a comma. When a person speaks inside of a quote, put single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.

Fully edited article:

In the research, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains when the researchers investigated their minds while they slept. The text states, "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." Another piece of evidence is, “Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion. ‘There would be this electrical wave where all the neurons would go quiet,’ Dr. Lewis said." This evidence shows what happened in the research.

Edited by Penny Yagake






One way to help save the earth is to stop cutting down trees because there are many people who cut down the trees and it hurts the environment. It states in the text, "Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees in the world are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own." This shows that we shouldn't cut to much trees to help the earth.Another idea is to produce less garbage to help or land and ocean. It Staes in the text, "The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down!" This shows that we can help the earth by not producing to much garbage.


One way to help save the earth is to stop cutting down trees because there are many people who cut down the trees and it hurts the environment.

*** Capitalize “earth” since it’s the name of a planet.

Edited sentence: One way to help save the Earth is to stop cutting down trees because there are many people who cut down the trees and it hurts the environment.

It states in the text, "Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees in the world are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own."

*** The beginning of this sentence can say, “The text states.”

Edited sentence: The text states, "Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees in the world are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own."

This shows that we shouldn't cut to much trees to help the earth.

*** Add a space after this sentence. Avoid first person point of view (“we”) and use third person point of view only. Here, I replaced “we” with “people.” Change “to much” to “too many.” Capitalize “earth” since it’s the name of a planet.

Edited sentence: This shows that people shouldn’t cut too many trees to help the Earth.

Another idea is to produce less garbage to help or land and ocean.

*** Change “or” to “the.”

Edited sentence: Another idea is to produce less garbage to help the land and ocean.

It Staes in the text, "The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down!"

*** Write “Staes” as “states.” The sentence can start with “The text states.”

Edited sentence: The text states, “The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down!"

This shows that we can help the earth by not producing to much garbage.

*** Add another “o” at the end of “to.” Avoid first person point of view (“we”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “we” can be changed to “people.” Capitalize “earth” since it’s the name of a planet.

Edited sentence: This shows that people can help the Earth by not producing too much garbage.

*** Remember to include a title. Watch out for misspellings as noted in the edits. Capitalize proper nouns like the name of a planet. Avoid first person point of view (“I” or “we”) and use third person point of view only.

Fully edited article:

One way to help save the Earth is to stop cutting down trees because there are many people who cut down the trees and it hurts the environment. The text states, "Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees in the world are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own." This shows that people shouldn’t cut too many trees to help the Earth. Another idea is to produce less garbage to help the land and ocean. The text states, “The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down!" This shows that people can help the Earth by not producing too much garbage.

Edited by Penny Yagake




   Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
 The boys are helping by buy things for people and delivery it to others so they don't have to go out because of the virus.It states in the text, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."  Another is that they help old people around where they live, it states, " The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area." This evidence shows how they are helping other people like old people around them and other people as well. 

Edits:

Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
- Great title!

The boys are helping by buy things for people and delivery it to others so they don't have to go out because of the virus.
- Here, you would use "buying" and "delivering" because you are describing something that they are doing.
- Edited for grammar; The boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering to them, so they don't have to go out due to the virus.

It states in the text, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."
- Great quote and formatting!

Another is that they help old people around where they live, it states, " The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area."
- You can keep this as one sentence, but I would tweak the wording just a bit. If you want to introduce information about the quote in the same sentence, a phrase like "in relation to" works well so it sounds like one sentence instead of two that are put together. The choice of this quote worked perfectly here! Another thing you can do is just replace the comma after "they live" with a period and begin the next sentence with "it states", because they work as two complete sentences.
- Edited for syntax and word choice; In relation to the boys assisting the elderly, the text states, "The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area."

This evidence shows how they are helping other people like old people around them and other people as well.
- I think we can re-frame this sentence so it emphasizes that the boys are helping people who really need it.
- Edited for word choice; This evidence shows how the teens are helping people who are in need, including the elderly.

Overall, your quote choices were great and you explain them well! Next time, don't forget the conclusion sentence which typically starts with a phrase like "in conclusion" or "therefore".

Fully Edited Version:

Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
The boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering to them, so they don't have to go out due to the virus. It states in the text, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." In relation to the boys assisting the elderly, the text states, "The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area." This evidence shows how the teens are helping people who are in need, including the elderly.

Edited by Grace Drake









 Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
There are two ways that the story tell us that Earth day is being celebrate. One way is by telling us the day that it is celebrate , if the text doesn't tell us the day that it is being celebrated , that means that it isn't a real celebrant that people around the world or the USA celebrant's. It states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection." This shows the day Earth day is being celebrated and shows that it is something that people celebrate. Another reason is that the text tells us that there are things that people do in Earth day, it states, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs. ..The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. " This evidence shows how there are things and activities to do when celebrating Earths day. 

Edits:

Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
Edited for capitalization; Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home

There are two ways that the story tell us that Earth day is being celebrate.
- In this case, you would use "celebrated" instead of "celebrate". Also, Earth Day should be capitalized because it is a holiday!
- Edited for grammar and word choice; According to the story, Earth Day is being celebrated in two ways.

One way is by telling us the day that it is celebrate , if the text doesn't tell us the day that it is being celebrated , that means that it isn't a real celebrant that people around the world or the USA celebrant's.
- I think that we can get this information across in a shorter and more concise way. Also, if you use commas, remember that they should hug the word that comes before and then the space comes afterward.
- Edited for grammar and word choice; The text states the day that Earth Day is celebrated, as well as the ways to celebrate, to emphasize that it is a real holiday.

It states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection."
- Great quote and perfect formatting! The only thing I would do is change "it states" to a more specific, "the article states".
- Edited for word choice; The article states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection."

This shows the day Earth day is being celebrated and shows that it is something that people celebrate.
- We can alter the wording here because you say something very similar in the sentence before the quote.
- Edited for word choice; This shows that Earth Day is an important holiday that people care about.

Another reason is that the text tells us that there are things that people do in Earth day, it states, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs. ..The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. "
- I think that the beginning of the sentence can be trimmed down to lead into your wonderful quote in a smoother way. Also, in the middle of the quote, if you split it up into two parts make sure your "..." are all together and touching.
- Edited for word choice and punctuation; The text states that there are many things people can do on Earth Day, for example, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs... The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home."

This evidence shows how there are things and activities to do when celebrating Earths day.
- Edited for capitalization and grammar; This evidence shows how there are activities to do when celebrating Earth Day.

Don't forget a conclusion!

Nice job! Your quotes were very relevant. I think one thing to work on for next time is making sure that your sentences flow in a smoother way. This can be done by trimming them down first to just the essential point, and then adding flair afterwards by adding details. Tackling a sentence this way can help you build upon an already strong idea. For example, you can start with a very basic sentence such as, "Earth Day is a holiday that people care about." Then, you can take that basic idea and build upon it with details. Then it would be something like, "Because so many people celebrate Earth Day in different ways, it is clear that Earth Day is a holiday that people care about". Then you can add text evidence in the next sentence that states the ways people celebrate! It's just an idea to try, and it helps me a lot in my own writing.

Fully Edited Version:

Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
According to the story, Earth Day is being celebrated in two ways. The text states the day that Earth Day is celebrated, as well as the ways to celebrate, to emphasize that it is a real holiday. The article states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection." This shows that Earth Day is an important holiday that people care about. The text states that there are many things people can do on Earth Day, for example, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs... The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This evidence shows how there are activities to do when celebrating Earth Day.

Edited by Grace Drake







  Ending Childhood Hunger
Some things that William accomplished is that he was able to collect tons of food and give it to other kids and expand his mission , he also ended hunger for kids. In the text it states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too." This evidence from the text shows how he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission . Another text evidence  is , "  Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids’ food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks. " This evidence shows that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who is starving.

Edits:

Ending Childhood Hunger
- Great title!

Some things that William accomplished is that he was able to collect tons of food and give it to other kids and expand his mission , he also ended hunger for kids.
- If the article states his last name, then typically you would introduce him by his first and last name in the first sentence. I am also adding the qualifier "many" to "kids", so the reader does not think that he ended hunger for all kids.
- Edited for word choice; William accomplished many things such as collecting tons of food to give to other kids, and expanding his mission to end hunger for many kids as well.

In the text it states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too."


- Great evidence! Just make sure there is a space between the comma and quotation mark, and that the quotation mark is touching the first word of the quote.
- Edited for punctuation; In the text it states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too."

This evidence from the text shows how he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission .
- This sentence expands on your quote perfectly. I am just moving the period over so it hugs the last letter of the last word.
- Edited for punctuation; This evidence from the text shows how he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission.

Another text evidence is , " Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids’ food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks. "
- Once again, great quote. I am changing "another text evidence" to "another piece of text evidence", and formatting the punctuation similarly to the above sentences.
- Edited for word choice and punctuation; Another piece of text evidence is, "Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids' food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys' school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks."

This evidence shows that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who is starving.
- Nice job! I am adding one comma between "kids" and "now" to break up the sentence into the two separate ideas, and changing "is" to "are" because the word "people" is a plural noun.
- Edited for punctuation and grammar; This evidence shows that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids, and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who are starving.

Overall, wonderful job. I think you are really getting the hang of properly inserting quotes and explaining why they are important in the next sentence. For next time, don't forget a conclusion statement! Great work.

Fully Edited Version:

Ending Childhood Hunger
William accomplished many things such as collecting tons of food to give to other kids, and expanding his mission to end hunger for many kids as well. In the text it states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too." This evidence from the text shows how he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission. Another piece of text evidence is, "Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids' food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys' school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks." This evidence shows that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids, and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who are starving.

Edited by Grace Drake












  Robots Help Japanese Students "Attend" Graduation Ceremony
The new events that are stated in the story is that some people were thinking about  sending robots in the place of students so they can still go to their graduation but won't need to leave their houses. Another is that the are going to make the robot able to travel farther around the world so that humans can attend places they want to be in, but doesn't need to leave their house. In the text it states, "We knew that there were lots of students who would like to attend the graduation ceremony but wouldn't be able to do so due to Coronavirus concern. I suddenly came up with an idea of the Avatar Graduation Ceremony.The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony."This show how they are going to use the robot to solve the graduation problem. "Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans." This shows how they are going to send it around the world so others can have their graduation. 

Edits:

Robots Help Japanese Students "Attend" Graduation Ceremony
- Nice title!

The new events that are stated in the story is that some people were thinking about sending robots in the place of students so they can still go to their graduation but won't need to leave their houses.
- I am switching around the wording and specifying that these ideas started due to necessity from COVID-19.
- Edited for word choice; Due to COVID-19, new ideas for graduations, such as sending robots in the place of students to the ceremony so students can stay home, are emerging.

Another is that the are going to make the robot able to travel around the world so that humans can attend places they want to be in, but doesn't need to leave their houses.
- In this case, "doesn't" should be "don't" because you are talking about more than one person. I am also changing "leave their houses" to "go outside", so the first and second sentence aren't too similar.
- Edited for grammar and word choice; Another idea is to make the robot able to travel around the world, so humans can attend events but don't need to go outside.

In the text it states, "We knew that there were lots of students who would like to attend the graduation ceremony but wouldn't be able to do so due to Coronavirus concern. The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony."
- This quote is formatted well, but it is a bit too long for one paragraph. I would stick to one to two sentences of quoted material at a time. I think that the first sentence of the quote is the most important, so I am introducing it in one sentence. In the next sentence, I am using more of the quote to explain what they did to solve the problem.
- Edited for grammar; In the text it states that an Avatar Graduation Ceremony in Tokyo was held because, "there were lots of students who would like to attend the graduation ceremony but wouldn't be able to do so due to Coronavirus concern." The article states that the opening of the ceremony was a speech delivered "via video-conferencing platform Zoom."

This show how they are going to use the robot to solve the graduation problem.
- Great!

"Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans."
- This quote is a good size, and you just need to introduce it.
- Edited for word choice; In the article it also states, "Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans."

This shows how they are going to send it around the world so others can have their graduation.
- I would specify that "it" is the robot.
- Edited for word choice; This shows that the creator plans to send the robot around the world so others can have their graduation.

Nice job! The main thing to work on is introducing quotes, and choosing quotes that are around two lines or less. If you need to add more information than 1-2 sentences of quotes at a time, you can paraphrase the additional details!

Fully Edited Version:

Due to COVID-19, new ideas for graduations, such as sending robots in the place of students to the ceremony so students can stay home, are emerging. Another idea is to make the robot able to travel around the world, so humans can attend events but don't need to go outside. In the text it states that an Avatar Graduation Ceremony in Tokyo was held because, "there were lots of students who would like to attend the graduation ceremony but wouldn't be able to do so due to Coronavirus concern." The article states that the opening of the ceremony was a speech delivered "via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This show how they are going to use the robot to solve the graduation problem. In the article it also states, "Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans." This shows that the creator plans to send the robot around the world so others can have their graduation.

Edited by Grace Drake












  Thousands Apply to Become NASA Astronauts
If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements. One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a higher level collage degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need experience on flying jet airplanes.Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need good eye sight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears. In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eye sight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education.These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut. 
  


Original Version:

Thousands Apply to Become NASA Astronauts If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements. One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a higher level collage degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need experience on flying jet airplanes.Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need good eye sight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears. In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eye sight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education.These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.

Corrections:

If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are many requirements.

      • Good! I just added the quantifier “many” in front of “requirements.”


One thing that you need to become an astronaut is a higher-level college degree, and a master's degree in STEM. You also need experience in flying jet airplanes.

      • I deleted “must” as it sounded repetitive, as “need” means the same thing. “Higher-level” needs a dash between it. I also corrected the spelling of “college” as you are talking about a university not a type of artwork. The noun form needs to be “master’s.” STEM also needs to be in all caps. I broke the sentence into two, as it was a run-on sentence before.


Other things that you need to be an astronaut are good eyesight, physical shape, and the ability to get along with your peers.

      • Because you are talking about multiple things they need in this sentence, I changed “another” to “other.” The verb “is” does not agree with the subject following it, so I changed the verb form to “are.” I also corrected the spelling of “eyesight” and “peers,” as you are talking about people, not the food.


The text states, "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher-level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."

      • The introductory clause before the quote sounded a bit clunky. I deleted “in” to improve the grammar.


“The text also states that "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."

      • I also changed the introduction to the quote to make it flow better with the quotation.


This text evidence shows that there are a lot of requirements to become an astronaut.

      • I reworded parts of this sentence to improve the grammar.


It also shows that to be an astronaut, you need to have perfect eyesight and body. You also need to be good at cooperating with all of your peers, and you need to have an excellent education.

      • This sentence was a bit hard to follow. I reworded the sentence to improve the grammar and to make it less repetitive. I also broke it into two sentences.


These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.

      • Good!


Overall, great work! Make sure to avoid writing run-on sentences, and to proofread your paragraph for spelling errors.

Final Version:

If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are many requirements. One thing that you need to become an astronaut is a higher-level college degree, and a master's degree in STEM. You also need experience in flying jet airplanes. Other things that you need to be an astronaut are good eyesight, physical shape, and the ability to get along with your peers. The text states, "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher-level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." “The text also states that "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." This text evidence shows that there are a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows that to be an astronaut, you need to have perfect eyesight and body. You also need to be good at cooperating with all of your peers, and you need to have an excellent education. These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




  De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo says not so fast
The two opposing view in the article is that some people thinks that closing the schools is a great idea, but some think that closing the schools is bad , even for families and students. It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,” This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people getting the coronavirus. Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,” And another evidence to add on to that is , " making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind." These two evidence shows how closing the schools can have a down side effect on the students. It can make kids feel grieving ,which isn't a good thing, and you might not know how many kids will fall back and do poorly if they close the schools.   

Edits:

De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo says not so fast
- Nice title, just remember that important words in titles should be capitalized.
- Edited for capitalization; De Blasio Says NYC School Buildings Will Close for the Rest of the Year, but Cuomo Says Not so Fast

The two opposing view in the article is that some people thinks that losing the schools is a great idea, but some think that closing the schools is bad, even for families and students.
- You can omit the first part of the sentence and it would still be effective.
- Edited for word choice and grammar; Some people think that closing schools is a great idea, but some think that closing schools is bad, even for students and their families.

It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the mount of people getting the coronavirus.
- This was a good choice of quote to make your point! I am changing "It states" to "The article states" for specificity, and shortening the sentence so the quote flows into your own words. I shortened it by keeping the meaning the same, but reducing the volume of words so the sentence is more easily understood by the reader.
- Edited for word choice; The article states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," which shows one side of the argument that closing schools reduces the spread of the virus.

Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,” And another evidence to add on to that is , " making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind."
- One way to weave two quotes together into one sentence is to introduce them both in the beginning by stating why they belong together in one sentence, which is what I am doing in the edited version. Connecting them is important so it seems like one sentence instead of two separate sentences.
- Edited for syntax, word choice, and grammar; On the opposite side, the text states, "Look at what they've had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now," and school closure is "making it difficult to gauge how many students are left behind".

These two evidence shows how closing the schools can have a down side effect on the students.
- When you use "evidence", I would change it to "pieces of evidence" to be grammatically correct. You picked great quotes that showed both sides of the argument!
- Edited for grammar; These two pieces of evidence show how closing the schools can negatively affect the students.

It can make kids feel grieving ,which isn't a good thing, and you might not know how many kids will fall back and do poorly if they close the schools.
- This is a good closing sentence, but it can be elevated by addressing both sides of the argument that you presented in the opening sentence. Typically, the opening sentence and conclusion will be very similar and convey the same message. In order to preserve your wording, I am adding one final sentence onto the end of this one to address both sides.
Edited for word choice; It can be difficult on grieving kids, and it is hard to tell how many kids will fall back and do poorly if schools are closed. In conclusion, the topic of school closure in New York City has two opposing sides.

You did a great job picking quotes and addressing both sides of the argument that you presented in the opening sentence! The one thing to work on for next time is introducing your quotes so if you choose to do two in one sentence they should flow together. The easiest way to do this is to state at the beginning of your sentence that you have two pieces of evidence, perhaps by stating, "Two points that the article makes are," or "The text states 'quote,' as well as 'quote'." and then explaining why they're important in a separate sentence. Nice job!

Fully Edited Version: De Blasio Says NYC School Buildings Will Close for the Rest of the Year, but Cuomo Says Not so Fast
Some people think that closing schools is a great idea, but some think that closing schools is bad, even for students and their families.The article states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," which shows one side of the argument that closing schools reduces the spread of the virus. On the opposite side, the text states, "Look at what they've had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now," and school closure is "making it difficult to gauge how many students are left behind". These two pieces of evidence show how closing the schools can negatively affect the students. It can be difficult on grieving kids, and it is hard to tell how many kids will fall back and do poorly if schools are closed. In conclusion, the topic of school closure in New York City has two opposing sides.

Edited by Grace Drake








 Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback
  The reason that Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because Mary land is a perfect place for them to live, because they aren't going extinct there and the place has the things they need to live. Another reason is because the environment is good for them. It states, " Reflecting on the environmental information being learned by studying Maryland’s tiger salamanders." Another one is , "Tiger salamanders can grow to 14 inches long. They are called “mole salamanders” because they dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soil, where they spend most of their lives." These evidence shows why they are reappearing in Mary Land.

Edits:

Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback
- It seems like you have a great sense for what makes a good title! I am only switching around some of the words.
- Edited for syntax; Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Eastern Tiger Salamanders Make a Comeback

The reason that Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because Mary land is a perfect place for them to live, because they aren't going extinct there and the place has the things they need to live.
- I think that we can trim this sentence down a bit so it flows more nicely.
- Edited for word choice; Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because it has their ideal living conditions, and they have access to everything they need to live.

Another reason is because the environment is good for them.
- I like how you tend to vary short and long sentence lengths. That is an advanced skill! I would try to use more specific descriptors, because good can mean many things.
- Edited for word choice; Also, the environment is healthy for them.

It states, " Reflecting on the environmental information being learned by studying Maryland’s tiger salamanders."
- I think that we can tweak this quote to draw a conclusion from it, because it seems like an incomplete quote.
- Edited to paraphrase; Through studying the tiger salamanders of Maryland, we can learn information about the environment.

Another one is , "Tiger salamanders can grow to 14 inches long. They are called “mole salamanders” because they dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soil, where they spend most of their lives."
- We can lead into the quote naturally in a way that seems like the quote is enhancing your own words.
- Edited for word choice; These tiger salamanders, or "mole salamanders", grow up to 14 inches in length and "dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soul, where they can spend most of their lives".

These evidence shows why they are reappearing in Mary Land.
- Nice job tying it up!
- Edited for word choice; This evidence highlights the reappearance of Eastern Tiger Salamanders in Maryland.

It seems like you have a nice instinct for style, so the main thing to work on is trimming down the quotes so you can showcase more of your own writing. One thing that stood out was that your sentence lead into each other and the order makes sense. Also, don't forget to post a link of your sources! Nice job.

Fully Edited Version:

Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Eastern Tiger Salamanders Make a Comeback
Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because it has their ideal living conditions, and they have access to everything they need to live. Also, the environment is healthy for them. Through studying the tiger salamanders of Maryland, we can learn information about the environment. These tiger salamanders, or "mole salamanders", grow up to 14 inches in length and "dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soul, where they can spend most of their lives". This evidence highlights the reappearance of Eastern Tiger Salamanders in Maryland.

Edited by Grace Drake




April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest And Brightest Full Moon!

   Super moons are different than regular moons that we see is because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.Another reason is that the supermen is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon.In the text it states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows how the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. Another evidence is, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history. " This detail shows how the super moon is more closer, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.

Original Version:

Super moons are different than regular moons that we see is because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.Another reason is that the supermen is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon.In the text it states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows how the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. Another evidence is, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history. " This detail shows how the super moon is more closer, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.

Corrections:

April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest and Brightest Full Moon!

      • Great! Capitalize all words in the heading except for conjunctions, such as “and.”


Super moons are different than regular moons because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.

      • I deleted “that we see is” as it is not needed in the sentence.


Another difference between the moon is that the super moon is the closest moon in history, unlike a regular moon. The text states that "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.”

      • Instead of reason, I replaced it with “difference” as you are describing the differences between the moons. I also corrected the spelling of “supermen” to “super moon.” I also added a comma after the word “history” to make it grammatically correct. You didn’t include the space after the period, so I added one before the word “in.” Use a period at the end of a quotation instead of a comma, as it ends the sentence.


This shows how the super moon is brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night.

      • You need a space after the period and before the first word of the sentence. “More brighter” is a double comparative, so just using the word “brighter” will work in the sentence.


The text provides further evidence, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history."

      • I reworded the beginning of the sentence as "Another evidence is" is grammatically incorrect. You added an extra space after the period, so I placed the quotation mark directly after the period.


This detail shows how the super moon is closer and is the closest moon ever in history, unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.

      • “More closer” is a double comparative, to make it less repetitive, I took out the “more.” Because you have a compound predicate in this sentence (when the subject of the sentence is doing more than one thing), so the two clauses at the beginning don’t need to be separated by a comma. However, you need a comma after the word "history" as the "unlike" is interrupting a sentence.


Final Version:

April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest and Brightest Full Moon!

Super moons are different than regular moons because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon. Another difference between the moon is that the super moon is the closest moon in history, unlike a regular moon. The text states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.” This shows how the super moon is brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. The text provides further evidence, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history." This detail shows how the super moon is closer and is the closest moon ever in history, unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.

Overall great job! You had a strong conclusion. Make sure to use variation in your word choice to avoid repetition.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2020/4/1/aprils-super-pink-moon-will-be-this-years-biggest-and-brightest-full-moon





 Social Distancing
The positive reason for practicing social distancing is that it avoids people from crowding together and helps people to stay away from each other.It states, "According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves “avoiding mass gatherings” and “maintaining distance” whenever possible. " This evidence shows how this can reduce the amount of people coming together and the spread of the coronavirus. But there is a negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be hard people and that they will have to cancel the kids school events.It states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations......." Another evidence is, " For kids, these include learning from home instead of going to school and canceling playdates and sports events. " These two details shows how  practicing social distancing is negative as well as positive because it can help us but can change things that we didn't want to change ,even for kids.

Edits:

Social Distancing
- This title makes sense, but does not tell the reader specifically what information they will be receiving.
- Edited for word choice; The Ups and Downs of Social Distancing

The positive reason for practicing social distancing is that it avoids people from crowding together and helps people to stay away from each other.
- Edited for word choice and grammar (comma); A positive aspect to social distancing is that it prevents people from crowding together, and helps people to stay away from each other.

It states, "According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance" whenever possible."
- I like that you went to use textual evidence after stating a claim. However, this quote is too long and can be shortened to critical information with paraphrasing to make it your own. I prefer to lead into quotes naturally so your voice comes through.
- Edited for word choice; The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state that social distancing "involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance'" unless it is unavoidable.

This evidence shows how this can reduce the amount of people coming together and the spread of the coronavirus.
- You did a good job of "sandwiching" the quote inside of your own explanation! Since this article is scientific, we should use the scientific name, COVID-19.
- Edited for word choice; This evidence shows that taking these steps can reduce the amount of people coming together and spreading COVID-19.

But there is a negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be hard people and that they will have to cancel the kids school events.
- This sentence is a bit choppy compared to the others. Maybe try reading each sentence aloud to make sure it flows.
- Edited for word choice and grammar; The negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be difficult for people, and school events will have to be cancelled.

It states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations......." Another evidence is, " For kids, these include learning from home instead of going to school and canceling playdates and sports events. "
- This is a bit too much quoted evidence, and a lot of this can be said in your own words. I really like that you always use the article to back up your claims, but it can be paraphrased!
- Edited to paraphrase; In some instances, it can be very difficult to stay away from others, and it will be especially tough on kids who must now learn at home and cancel outside activities.

These two details shows how practicing social distancing is negative as well as positive because it can help us but can change things that we didn't want to change ,even for kids.
- I like how you tied in both aspects of your argument in the conclusion. I am omitting the first part of the sentence because it it not necessary in order to get your point across.
Edited for word choice and grammar; Practicing social distancing is both positive and negative, because it can help us but also change aspects of our lives that we were accustomed to.

Make sure that you post a link to the article you use, especially if you directly quote the text.

Fully Edited Version:

The Ups and Downs of Social Distancing
A positive aspect to social distancing is that it prevents people from crowding together, and helps people to stay away from each other. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state that social distancing "involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance'" unless it is unavoidable. This evidence shows that taking these steps can reduce the amount of people coming together and spreading COVID-19. The negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be difficult for people, and school events will have to be cancelled. In some instances, it can be very difficult to stay away from others, and it will be especially tough on kids who must now learn at home and cancel outside activities. Practicing social distancing is both positive and negative, because it can help us but also change aspects of our lives that we were accustomed to.

Edited by Grace Drake




 Expelliarmus boredom! JK Rowling launches 'Harry Potter at Home' hub for kids in lockdown
 JK Rowling new web page will help children by making it not only educational, but also fun and make them interested while there is a lock down. Another reason is because her web page lets people old and young to take all their worries about the virus out and make them more calm and escape from the real world into their imaginary world and think happy thoughts. "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Another evidence is , " For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old," This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them thing about happy thoughts.This is how JKRowling new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life , like the corona virus. 



Original Version:

Expelliarmus boredom! JK Rowling launches 'Harry Potter at Home' hub for kids in lockdown

JK Rowling new web page will help children by making it not only educational, but also fun and make them interested while there is a lock down. Another reason is because her web page lets people old and young to take all their worries about the virus out and make them more calm and escape from the real world into their imaginary world and think happy thoughts. "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Another evidence is , " For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old," This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them thing about happy thoughts.This is how JKRowling new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life , like the corona virus.

Corrections:

Expelliarmus Boredom! JK Rowling Launches 'Harry Potter at Home' Hub for Kids in Lockdown

      • Headings need to be capitalized.


JK Rowling's new web page will help children as it is not only educational but also a fun web page to keep them entertained while there is a lockdown.

      • I removed the extra space that was placed at the beginning of the sentence. Her last name also needs an apostrophe, as the noun is possessing something. The word lockdown should also be one word. I also edited the phrasing of the sentence as well to correct the grammar.


Another reason that her web page is useful is that it lets people who are old and young forget about the virus and make them calmer. It offers an escape from the real would, and takes them into the imaginary world where they can think happy thoughts.

      • I added “that her” before web page to improve the grammar. You stated reason, but you didn’t say what the reason was for. This is why I added the detail about her webpage being useful to provide clarity to the reader. I added “who are” before “old and young” to add a pronoun. I also changed the compound adjective “more calm” to the comparative form of the adjective, which is “calm.” I split up the sentence into two, as it was a run-on. I also edited the phrasing to correct the grammar.


J.K Rowling states, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading.

      • You need to include the writer of the quote, so I added the name to introduce the quote as well as credit the source. The quotation needs to end with a period, not a comma.


Wizarding World also states, "For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old." This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them think about happy thoughts.

      • I added the source of the quote to introduce the evidence. I also removed the extra space after the quotation mark and added a period at the end of it instead of a comma as it is grammatically correct.


All the evidence shows how J.K. Rowling’s new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life, like the coronavirus.

      • I replaced “This is how” with “All the evidence” so the reader knows what you’re referring to. I also removed the extra space after the word "life" before the comma. Also, coronavirus needs to be one word.


Final Version: Expelliarmus Boredom! JK Rowling Launches 'Harry Potter at Home' Hub for Kids in Lockdown

JK Rowling's new web page will help children as it is not only educational but also a fun web page to keep them entertained while there is a lockdown. Another reason that her web page is useful is that it lets people who are old and young forget about the virus and make them calmer. It offers an escape from the real would, and takes them into the imaginary world where they can think happy thoughts. J.K Rowling states, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Wizarding World also states, "For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old." This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them think about happy thoughts. All the evidence shows how J.K. Rowling’s new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life, like the coronavirus. Great job! You chose great quotes to summarize your points. Make sure to use the correct spacing, and credit your sources when using quotes.

Edited by Hayley Taylor




2020 Tokyo Olympics officially postponed due to coronavirus outbreak
   Postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations .The two ways it has a negative effect is that it causes head aches and pain across the international sports community. And it would make it unfair for those athletes who trained for so long to compete and try to win the coipition in the summer.It states. " It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules," This evidence shows that it can make it harder for the across the international sports community because they need to change many things like their schedule .Another is,"and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer." This shows that it isn't fair for other athletes because they trained hard to win the completion in the summer, and now their training is going to waste.


2020 Tokyo Olympics officially postponed due to coronavirus outbreak

*** This title seems to be copied from this article: https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/2020/03/24/tokyo-olympics-postponed-coronavirus-summer-games-2021/2863551001/. Please rewrite the title of the summary.

Postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations .

*** Since “Postponing the 2020 Olympics” is a single action, change “are” to “is.” Remove the extra space before the period.

Edited sentence: Postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations.

The two ways it has a negative effect is that it causes head aches and pain across the international sports community.

*** Since this sentence names one way it has a negative effect, change “The two ways” to “One way.” “head aches” should be one word, as in “headaches.”

Edited sentence: One way it has a negative effect is that it causes headaches and pain across the international sports community.

And it would make it unfair for those athletes who trained for so long to compete and try to win the coipition in the summer.

*** Change “And” to “Another way it has a negative effect is.” Spell “coipition” as “competition.” Change “make it” to “be.”

Edited sentence: Another way it has a negative effect is it would be unfair for those athletes who trained for so long to compete and try to win the competition this summer.

It states. " It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules,"

*** Remove the period after “It states.” Change “It states” to “The article states.” Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark. Change the comma at the end of the sentence to a period.

Edited sentence: The article states, “It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules."

This evidence shows that it can make it harder for the across the international sports community because they need to change many things like their schedule .

*** Remove “for the” after “harder.” Change the first “it” to “this decision.” Try not to use the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it.

Edited sentence: This evidence shows that this decision can make it harder across the international sports community because they need to change their schedules.

Another is,"and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer."

*** Add “statement from the article” after “Another.”

Edited sentence: Another statement from the article is that there are “11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer.”

This shows that it isn't fair for other athletes because they trained hard to win the completion in the summer, and now their training is going to waste.

*** Change “other” to “the.” Replace “completion” with “competition.”

Edited sentence: This shows that it isn’t fair for the athletes because they trained hard to win the competition in the summer, and now their training is going to waste.

*** Watch out for misspellings — “competition” is misspelled twice in this summary. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. The space should come after the period, but not before the period. If a sentence ends with a quotation mark, the space comes after the quotation mark.

Fully edited article:

Postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations. One way it has a negative effect is that it causes headaches and pain across the international sports community. Another way it has a negative effect is it would be unfair for those athletes who trained for so long to compete and try to win the competition this summer. The article states, “It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules." This evidence shows that this decision can make it harder across the international sports community because they need to change their schedules. Another statement from the article is that there are “11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer.” This shows that it isn’t fair for the athletes because they trained hard to win the competition in the summer, and now their training is going to waste.

Edited by Penny Yagake






  10 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids
    When you are at home you might want to do something fun because you're bored of being stuck at home .One thing you can do at home when you are bored is lego kits, the reason that I chose lego kit to play when you are bored at home is because legos can be fun to play with ,but not only that ,they can also help you become more creative when making something .Another game or thing that you can play when you are bored being stuck at home is that you can play indoor basketball ,the reason I chose that is because it can help us kids to stay healthy and active, it can also help us get enough exercise .It states , " Lego Kits fine motor skills, creativity." This shows how lego kits can help you stay creative in you mind and builds your creativity .Another is " Indoor Basketball an over-the-door basketball hoop and miniature ball is a great way for kids to get some exercise while stuck indoors." This evidence shows how indoor basketball is good for you and can keep you active and have enough exercise .These are two activities you can do when you are bored at home and have nothing to do. 


10 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

*** Based on the quotes here, this title seems close to the title of this article: https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/family-finance/articles/affordable-and-fun-indoor-games-and-activities-for-kids. The difference is that 9 has been changed to 10. Additionally, your summary discusses two activities, not ten. Please rewrite the title of the summary to reflect this.

When you are at home you might want to do something fun because you're bored of being stuck at home .

*** Make sure the space comes after the period, but not before the period. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Since this summary discusses activities for kids, I changed “you” to “kids.” I removed “When you are at home” since “stuck at home” is at the end of this sentence.

Edited sentence: Kids might want to do something fun because they’re bored of being stuck at home.

One thing you can do at home when you are bored is lego kits, the reason that I chose lego kit to play when you are bored at home is because legos can be fun to play with ,but not only that ,they can also help you become more creative when making something .

*** Try not to use the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead. Capitalize “Lego” since it’s the name of a company. Make sure a space comes after a comma, but not before a comma. Also avoid first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view only. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: One activity kids can do at home when they are bored is Lego kits because Legos can be fun to play with, and not only that, they can also help kids become more creative.

Another game or thing that you can play when you are bored being stuck at home is that you can play indoor basketball ,the reason I chose that is because it can help us kids to stay healthy and active, it can also help us get enough exercise .

*** Remove “or thing” since this sentence calls the activity a “game.” Remove the second “you can play” since it’s already stated earlier in the sentence. Add “and” before “it can also help.” Avoid first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view only. Avoid second person point of view (“you” and “us”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Another game that kids can play when they are bored being stuck at home is indoor basketball, because it can help kids stay healthy and active, and it can also help them get enough exercise.

It states , " Lego Kits fine motor skills, creativity."

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark. This sentence is incomplete because the quote is lacking a verb. To fix this, you can include the rest of the sentence from the article. Change “It” to “The article states.” In the article, the bolded “Lego Kits” is a subtitle and is not part of the sentence; the sentence begins with “Fine.”

Edited sentence: The article states, “Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with Legos.”

This shows how lego kits can help you stay creative in you mind and builds your creativity .

*** Capitalize “Lego” since it’s the name of a company. Remove the “s” at the end of “builds” since the subject “Lego kits” is plural. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: This shows how Lego kits can help kids stay creative in their minds and build their creativity.

Another is " Indoor Basketball an over-the-door basketball hoop and miniature ball is a great way for kids to get some exercise while stuck indoors."

*** Add “activity” after “Another.” In the article, the bolded “Indoor Basketball” is a subtitle and is not part of the sentence; the sentence begins with “An.”

Edited sentence: Another activity is indoor basketball, where an “over-the-door basketball hoop and miniature ball is a great way for kids to get some exercise while stuck indoors."

This evidence shows how indoor basketball is good for you and can keep you active and have enough exercise .

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you” and “us”) and use third person point of view only. Change “have enough exercise” to “give them enough exercise.”

Edited sentence: This evidence shows how indoor basketball is good for kids and can keep them active and give them enough exercise.

These are two activities you can do when you are bored at home and have nothing to do.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you” and “us”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: These are two activities kids can do when they are bored at home and have nothing to do.

*** Make sure there is a space between sentences. The space should come after a period, but not before a period. Make sure a space comes after a comma, but not before a comma. Capitalize the names of companies, like “Lego.” Avoid first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view only. Also avoid second person point of view (“you” and “us”) and use third person point of view only. Try not to use the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Fully edited article:

Kids might want to do something fun because they’re bored of being stuck at home. One activity kids can do at home when they are bored is Lego kits because Legos can be fun to play with, and not only that, they can also help kids become more creative. Another game that kids can play when they are bored being stuck at home is indoor basketball, because it can help kids stay healthy and active, and it can also help them get enough exercise. The article states, “Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with Legos.” This shows how Lego kits can help kids stay creative in their minds and build their creativity. Another activity is indoor basketball, where an “over-the-door basketball hoop and miniature ball is a great way for kids to get some exercise while stuck indoors." This evidence shows how indoor basketball is good for kids and can keep them active and give them enough exercise. These are two activities kids can do when they are bored at home and have nothing to do.

Edited by Penny Yagake






 China Plans to Lift Lockdown on Wuhan, Where COVID-19 Was First Detected
  The reason that China wants to lift lockdown on Wuhan is because they think that it is safer now, people think that they will lift the lockdown in midnight, and the news came on Tuesday. But Hubei will still be in lockdown until April 8, there was a lot of cases were many people got infected and a lot that has died because of this virus. They canceled all flights to other countries or places, they also closed the highway, and no one was allowed out of their house. They thought that it was a way to reduce the amount of people getting the virus, and people getting killed from it. Ever since they did that ,the number of people in China getting the virus was slowing .And for five days in a row, there wren't any new cases of anyone getting or getting killed by the virus , but on Tuesday, there was a new case of the virus in Wuhan, it was said by the CNN.

source :https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/china-plans-lift-lockdown-wuhan-epicenter-covid-19-180974514/.


China Plans to Lift Lockdown on Wuhan, Where COVID-19 Was First Detected

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite the title.

The reason that China wants to lift lockdown on Wuhan is because they think that it is safer now, people think that they will lift the lockdown in midnight, and the news came on Tuesday.

*** Add “the” after “lift.” Change “in midnight” to “at midnight.” To improve the flow of the sentence, change “and the news came on Tuesday” to “as announced Tuesday.”

Edited sentence: The reason that China wants to lift the lockdown on Hubei is because they think that it is safer now, and people think that they will lift the lockdown at midnight, as announced on Tuesday.

But Hubei will still be in lockdown until April 8, there was a lot of cases were many people got infected and a lot that has died because of this virus.

*** According to the article, most of Hubei, the province, will have the lockdown lifted, but Wuhan, the city in the province, will still be in lockdown until April 8. Change “there was a lot of cases were” to “there were a lot of cases where.” Change “has died” to “have died.”

Edited sentence: But Wuhan will still be in lockdown until April 8, since there were a lot of cases where many people got infected and a lot have died because of the coronavirus.

They canceled all flights to other countries or places, they also closed the highway, and no one was allowed out of their house.

*** Since “countries” is already in the sentence, “or places” can be removed. Add a “s” at the end of “highway” since there is more than one highway.

Edited sentence: They canceled all flights to other countries, closed the highways, and no one was allowed out of their house.

They thought that it was a way to reduce the amount of people getting the virus, and people getting killed from it.

*** Since the previous sentence describes more than one way, change “it was a way” to “these ways.” Change “from it” to “by it.”

Edited sentence: They thought that these ways would reduce the amount of people getting the virus, and getting killed by it.

Ever since they did that ,the number of people in China getting the virus was slowing .

*** Remove the extra space before the period. Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before the comma. Change “was slowing” to “has slowed down.”

Edited sentence: Ever since they did that, the number of people in China getting the virus has slowed down.

And for five days in a row, there wren't any new cases of anyone getting or getting killed by the virus , but on Tuesday, there was a new case of the virus in Wuhan, it was said by the CNN.

*** Remove “And.” Change “anyone getting or getting killed” to “anyone getting infected.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before the comma. Change “it was said by the CNN” to “as reported by CNN.”

Edited sentence: For five days in a row, there weren’t any new cases of anyone getting infected by the virus, but on Tuesday, there was a new case in Wuhan, as reported by CNN.

*** Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before the comma. Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the article. Note where words have been changed or removed in the edits. Watch out for misspelled or missing words as noted in the edits.

Fully edited article:

The reason that China wants to lift the lockdown on Hubei is because they think that it is safer now, and people think that they will lift the lockdown at midnight, as announced on Tuesday. But Wuhan will still be in lockdown until April 8, since there were a lot of cases where many people got infected and a lot have died because of the coronavirus. They canceled all flights to other countries, closed the highways, and no one was allowed out of their house. They thought that these ways would reduce the amount of people getting the virus, and getting killed by it. Ever since they did that, the number of people in China getting the virus has slowed down. For five days in a row, there weren’t any new cases of anyone getting infected by the virus, but on Tuesday, there was a new case in Wuhan, as reported by CNN.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/china-plans-lift-lockdown-wuhan-epicenter-covid-19-180974514/

Edited by Penny Yagake






COVID-19 Could Threaten Great Ape Populations, Researchers Warn

 Since this virus is going all around the world and is affecting the human population, some people fear that this virus called the corona virus can't only affect us by also our close companion, such as gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees. This new virus can harm them badly. These poor animals are already suffering because they are loosing their habitat, plus a virus going around that can kill you can be hard on our close relatives. This new virus can decrease the population of human quickly and can affect animals and humans both, this virus can make the apes go instinct. And a group of researchers are putting out impassioned plea "for enhanced protection for our kins". The humans and the apes body are almost the same ,that is why we have several of the same diseases, which means that any disease or virus we humans have , the apes can get it too, like the corona virus.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/covid-19-could-threaten-great-ape-populations-researchers-warn-180974512/.


COVID-19 Could Threaten Great Ape Populations, Researchers Warn

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite this title.

Since this virus is going all around the world and is affecting the human population, some people fear that this virus called the corona virus can't only affect us by also our close companion, such as gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees.

*** For convenience, you can change “this virus” to “the coronavirus.” When this is added, the phrase “called the corona virus” in the middle of the sentence is not needed. Use the “not only… but also” sentence structure — “can not only affect us, but also our close companions.” Add a “s” at the end of the word “companion.” Avoid first person point of view (“us”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Since the coronavirus is going all around the world and affecting the human population, some people fear that this virus can not only affect humans, but also close companions, such as gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees.

This new virus can harm them badly.

*** Change “can” to “could” since it’s not certain whether they can be infected.

Edited sentence: This new virus could harm them badly.

These poor animals are already suffering because they are loosing their habitat, plus a virus going around that can kill you can be hard on our close relatives.

*** “loosing” should be spelled as “losing.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “can be hard” to “would be hard.”

Edited sentence: These poor animals are already suffering because they are losing their habitat, plus a virus going around that can kill humans would be hard on our close relatives.

This new virus can decrease the population of human quickly and can affect animals and humans both, this virus can make the apes go instinct.

*** Change “the population of human” to “human population.” Add “since it” before “can affect.” Replace “instinct” with “extinct.” The word “instinct” refers to the motivation behind behavior while “extinct” means something is no longer existing. Since the article notes that certain ape species are at greater risk, change “make the apes go extinct” to “make certain ape species go extinct.”

Edited sentence: This new virus can decrease the human population quickly and since it can affect both animals and humans, this virus could make certain ape species go extinct.

And a group of researchers are putting out impassioned plea "for enhanced protection for our kins".

*** Remove “And.” The period should come before the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. Make sure quotes are written correctly according to the source — there should be a “s” at the end of “protection” and there should not be a “s” at the end of “kin.” Add “an” before “impassioned.”

Edited sentence: A group of researchers are putting out an “impassioned plea for enhanced protections for our kin.”

The humans and the apes body are almost the same ,that is why we have several of the same diseases, which means that any disease or virus we humans have , the apes can get it too, like the corona virus.

*** Since this is describing two body types, the human and the ape, “body” should be plural, as in “bodies.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before a comma. “corona virus” should be written as one word, as in “coronavirus.” Avoid first person point of view (“we”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: The bodies of humans and apes are almost the same which is why they can have several of the same diseases, meaning that apes can get any disease or virus that humans have, such as the coronavirus.

*** Note the difference between “can” and “could.” The word “can” suggests that an event is currently able to happen, but “could” suggests that it is possible for an event to happen, but it is uncertain. Avoid first person (we, our, I) and second person (you) point of view. Use third person point of view only, meaning use pronouns such as “they,” “the people,” “a person,” or proper nouns. Check for misspelled words as noted in the edits.

Fully edited article:

Since the coronavirus is going all around the world and affecting the human population, some people fear that this virus can not only affect humans, but also close companions, such as gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees. This new virus could harm them badly. These poor animals are already suffering because they are losing their habitat, plus a virus going around that can kill humans would be hard on our close relatives. This new virus can decrease the human population quickly and since it can affect both animals and humans, this virus could make certain ape species go extinct. A group of researchers are putting out an “impassioned plea for enhanced protections for our kin.” The bodies of humans and apes are almost the same which is why they can have several of the same diseases, meaning that apes can get any disease or virus that humans have, such as the coronavirus.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/covid-19-could-threaten-great-ape-populations-researchers-warn-180974512/

Edited by Penny Yagake






How to Talk With Children About COVID-19

It is very important to teach your kids about important things like the COVID-19. I f you don't tell them about these things ,they might make it a scarier thing than it is in reality. For ex( if you don't tell your children's about the flu, they will think that a flu is a bad person who hates the world and kills them with a flu.)  You Cann't just tell you kids things unless it is an appropriate age for them to know about.For ex(If you tell them about the flu at the age of 1 ,they won't understand what you are saying and think that you are the craziest person ever, but if you tell them in the age when they can handle these types of information, then they would understand what you are saying and would be careful not to get the flu.) You should always make you children feel safe especially teens or tweens, You should always treasure your kids, protect them and give them extra care to show more affection to them. 

source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-talk-children-about-covid-19-180974516/.


How to Talk With Children About COVID-19

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite this title with your own words. I have suggested a title below.

Edited title: Talking About COVID-19 With Children

It is very important to teach your kids about important things like the COVID-19.

*** Remove “the” before “COVID-19.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Edited sentence: It is very important to teach kids about topics like COVID-19.

I f you don't tell them about these things ,they might make it a scarier thing than it is in reality.

*** Remove the extra space in “If.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but not before a comma. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Edited sentence: If children aren’t told about an important topic, they might think it is scarier than it is in reality.

For ex( if you don't tell your children's about the flu, they will think that a flu is a bad person who hates the world and kills them with a flu.)

*** The parentheses aren’t needed. Spell out “For example.” “Children” does not need an apostrophe and a “s” at the end of the word. Change “a flu” to “the flu.” Change “them” to “people” to make the sentence clearer. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: For example, if children aren’t told about the flu, they might think that the flu is a bad person who hates the world and kills people with the flu.

You Cann't just tell you kids things unless it is an appropriate age for them to know about.

*** Write “Cann’t” as “can’t.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Since “kids” is plural, change “it is” to “they are.” Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Edited: Parents can’t just tell kids anything unless they are at an appropriate age.

For ex(If you tell them about the flu at the age of 1 ,they won't understand what you are saying and think that you are the craziest person ever, but if you tell them in the age when they can handle these types of information, then they would understand what you are saying and would be careful not to get the flu.)

*** The parentheses aren’t needed. Spell out “For example.” Change “would” to “will.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: For example, if a parent tells kids about the flu at the age of 1, they won’t understand what the parent is saying, but if the parent tells them at an age when they can handle this type of information, then the kids will understand what the parent is saying and they will be careful not to get the flu.

You should always make you children feel safe especially teens or tweens, You should always treasure your kids, protect them and give them extra care to show more affection to them.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Parents should always make their children feel safe, including teens or tweens, and parents should always treasure their kids, protect them and give them extra care to show more affection to them.

*** Make sure that there is a period at the end of each sentence and that there is a space between each sentence. Although I removed the parentheses in this summary, when using parentheses, the period should go outside the last parenthesis. Watch out for misspelled words. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Fully edited article:

Talking About COVID-19 With Children

It is very important to teach kids about topics like COVID-19. If children aren’t told about an important topic, they might think it is scarier than it is in reality. For example, if children aren’t told about the flu, they might think that the flu is a bad person who hates the world and kills people with the flu. Parents can’t just tell kids anything unless they are at an appropriate age. For example, if a parent tells kids about the flu at the age of 1, they won’t understand what the parent is saying, but if the parent tells them at an age when they can handle this type of information, then the kids will understand what the parent is saying and they will be careful not to get the flu. Parents should always make their children feel safe, including teens or tweens, and parents should always treasure their kids, protect them and give them extra care to show more affection to them.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-talk-children-about-covid-19-180974516/

Edited by Penny Yagake






 Shutting Down Hawai‘i: A Historical Perspective on Epidemics in the Islands
  In Hawaii ,the people there are trying prevent people from out of the country from getting in so the people who has the corona virus doesn't get into their land.The people in Hawaii are telling their government to shut the whole island so that there won't be any one in Hawaii getting sick. More people kept coming and the people that were coming were  mad because instead of greeting them, the people there are trying to get them to leave the land but some won't listen. There were cases in Hawaii that some people or tourist there had the virus ,that is the reason why the people in Hawaii wanted people to leave that didn't belong on the land.The government still has to think if they should shut the island down from people outside of the land or not to, but the people who live in Hawaii are commanding the government to shut the place down ,they even hold up signs telling people to get out of their land .

source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/shutting-down-hawaii-historical-perspective-epidemics-islands-180974506/.


Shutting Down Hawai‘i: A Historical Perspective on Epidemics in the Islands

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite the title.

In Hawaii ,the people there are trying prevent people from out of the country from getting in so the people who has the corona virus doesn't get into their land.

*** Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before a comma. Since “people” is a plural noun, change “doesn’t” to “don’t.” Also change “has” to “have” for the same reason. “corona virus” should be one word, as in “coronavirus.” Since the article punctuates “Hawaii” as “Hawai’i,” use that spelling.

Edited sentence: In Hawai’i, the people are trying to prevent travelers from outside of the country from getting in so that the people who have the coronavirus don’t get into their land.

The people in Hawaii are telling their government to shut the whole island so that there won't be any one in Hawaii getting sick.

*** “any one” should be written as one word, as in “anyone.” Add “down” after “shut.” Since the article states that there are already cases in Hawaii, change “anyone” to “any more people.”

Edited sentence: The people in Hawai’i are telling their government to shut down the whole island so that there won’t be any more people in Hawai’i getting sick.

More people kept coming and the people that were coming were mad because instead of greeting them, the people there are trying to get them to leave the land but some won't listen.

*** To avoid confusion, this summary can refer to the people coming to Hawai’i as “travelers.” Use present tense for this sentence. Change “the people that were coming” to “they.”

Edited sentence: More travelers keep coming to Hawai’i and they get mad because instead of being greeted, the people there are trying to get them to leave the land, but some travelers won’t listen.

There were cases in Hawaii that some people or tourist there had the virus ,that is the reason why the people in Hawaii wanted people to leave that didn't belong on the land.

*** Replace the first “that” with “where.” Change “or tourist” to “including tourists.” Remove “there” after “tourists.” Remove “that didn’t belong on the land.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before a comma.

Edited sentence: There were cases in Hawai’i where some people, including tourists, had the virus, and that is the reason why the people in Hawai’i wanted travelers to leave.

The government still has to think if they should shut the island down from people outside of the land or not to, but the people who live in Hawaii are commanding the government to shut the place down ,they even hold up signs telling people to get out of their land .

*** This sentence is pretty long so it can be split into two. Replace “think” with “decide.” Change “from people” to “to prevent outside people from coming in.” Change “commanding” to “demanding.” Change “they even hold up” to “and they are even holding up.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before a comma.

Edited sentence: The government still has to decide if it should shut the island down to prevent outside people from coming in, or not. But the people who live in Hawai’i are demanding the government to shut the place down, and they are even holding up signs telling people to leave.

*** Check to see that plural nouns are paired with plural verbs. A plural noun and verb would be written as “people don’t move” while a singular noun and verb would be written as “a person doesn’t move.” Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Also make sure there is a space after each comma, but there should not be a space before a comma. Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the article.

Fully edited article:

In Hawai’i, the people are trying to prevent travelers from outside of the country from getting in so that the people who have the coronavirus don’t get into their land. The people in Hawai’i are telling their government to shut down the whole island so that there won’t be any more people in Hawai’i getting sick. More travelers keep coming to Hawai’i and they get mad because instead of being greeted, the people there are trying to get them to leave the land, but some travelers won’t listen. There were cases in Hawai’i where some people, including tourists, had the virus, and that is the reason why the people in Hawai’i wanted travelers to leave. The government still has to decide if it should shut the island down to prevent outside people from coming in, or not. But the people who live in Hawai’i are demanding the government to shut the place down, and they are even holding up signs telling people to leave.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/shutting-down-hawaii-historical-perspective-epidemics-islands-180974506/.

Edited by Penny Yagake






    Sea Turtles Might Be Eating Old Plastic Because It Smells Like Shrimp
 When ever. you throw out plastic things, it always ends up in the ocean where there are animals living there  such as sea turtles . And when you throw away plastic, this can kill many animals such as sea turtles ,you might not know this but the plastic that goes into the water and gets colonized by bacteria and small  invertebrates, so when it does get colonized by bacteria and small invertebrate, it starts to smell like sea food or shrimp.This sent is the reason why turtles are eating plastic ,plastics ,as you know has a harmful chemicals, and when the turtles consume it , it can kill them.It's not only plastic bottles but also plastic bag, the reason I mentioned it was also plastic bags is because plastic bags look like jelly fish when in water. This is why turtles eats plastics all the time when they see or smell one.

sources :https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/sea-turtles-might-be-eating-plastic-because-after-weeks-ocean-it-smells-shrimp-180974387/


Sea Turtles Might Be Eating Old Plastic Because It Smells Like Shrimp

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite the title.

When ever. you throw out plastic things, it always ends up in the ocean where there are animals living there such as sea turtles .

*** “When ever” should be written as one word, as in “Whenever.” Remove the extra period at the beginning of the sentence and remove the extra space before “such” and after “turtles.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “it” to “they.” Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Edited sentence: Whenever a person throws out plastic items, they always end up in the ocean where animals, such as sea turtles, are living.

And when you throw away plastic, this can kill many animals such as sea turtles ,you might not know this but the plastic that goes into the water and gets colonized by bacteria and small invertebrates, so when it does get colonized by bacteria and small invertebrate, it starts to smell like sea food or shrimp.

*** This sentence is pretty long, so it can be split into two. Remove “and” after “goes into the water.” Since “bacteria and small invertebrates” is already stated once, it does not need to be mentioned a second time. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “it” to “they.”

Edited sentence: And when people throw away plastic, this can kill many animals such as sea turtles. People might not know this, but when the plastic that goes into the water gets colonized by bacteria and small invertebrates, it starts to smell like seafood or shrimp.

This sent is the reason why turtles are eating plastic ,plastics ,as you know has a harmful chemicals, and when the turtles consume it , it can kill them.

*** Spell “sent” as “scent.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but there should not be a space before a comma. Since “turtles are eating plastic” is already stated, “when the turtles consume it” is not needed. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: This scent is the reason why sea turtles are eating plastic, which has harmful chemicals that can kill them.

It's not only plastic bottles but also plastic bag, the reason I mentioned it was also plastic bags is because plastic bags look like jelly fish when in water.

*** “the reason I mentioned it was also plastic bags” is not needed since it is already understood in the sentence. “jelly fish” should be one word, as in “jellyfish.” Avoid first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Sea turtles not only eat plastic bottles, they also eat plastic bags because plastic bags look like jellyfish when in water.

This is why turtles eats plastics all the time when they see or smell one.

*** Remove the “s” at the end of “eats.”

Edited sentence: This is why sea turtles eat plastics all the time when they see or smell them.

*** Note where two words should be written as one. “When ever” should be written as “Whenever” and “jelly fish” should be written as “jellyfish. Watch out for repeated information. Avoid first person (“I”) and second person (“you”) point of view and use third person point of view only. This means “I” and “you” should be removed and/or replaced by other pronouns like “people,” “they,” or proper nouns depending on the topic. Avoid using the word “thing” — name the thing or describe it instead.

Fully edited paragraph:

Whenever a person throws out plastic items, they always end up in the ocean where animals, such as sea turtles, are living. And when people throw away plastic, this can kill many animals such as sea turtles. People might not know this, but when the plastic that goes into the water gets colonized by bacteria and small invertebrates, it starts to smell like seafood or shrimp. This scent is the reason why sea turtles are eating plastic, which has harmful chemicals that can kill them. Sea turtles not only eat plastic bottles, they also eat plastic bags because plastic bags look like jellyfish when in water. This is why sea turtles eat plastics all the time when they see or smell them.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/sea-turtles-might-be-eating-plastic-because-after-weeks-ocean-it-smells-shrimp-180974387/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Why Is Washing Your Hands So Important, Anyway?

Washing your hands is very important because it can kill all the virus on your hands. Washing your hands are like weapons that you can use to kill the virus. If you don't wash your hands, that can lead you into having fever ,cold, and more viruses that are bad for your body. When COVID-19 came from China there were 100,000 confirmed cases worldwide. When ever you touch a person that sneezed or coughed on their hands, you should never touch you face until you washed them, but water and soap aren't the only things that can help you kill the virus, you can also use alcohol-based sanitizer. These alcohol-based sanitizer can also help you kill the virus. These two things can help you prevent getting the virus,SARS-CoV-2 is very easily transmitted to other people, because if you cough or sneeze, on your hands and touch other people, you can give them a virus and make them sick. That is why washing your hands are very important.

source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-washing-your-hands-so-important-anyway-180974355/.


Why Is Washing Your Hands So Important, Anyway?

*** This title seems to be copied from the source. Please rewrite this title with your own words.

Washing your hands is very important because it can kill all the virus on your hands.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Washing hands is very important because it can kill all the viruses on a person’s hands.

Washing your hands are like weapons that you can use to kill the virus.

*** Since “washing hands” is a single action, change “are like weapons” to “is like a weapon.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Washing hands is like a weapon that can be used to kill the virus.

If you don't wash your hands, that can lead you into having fever ,cold, and more viruses that are bad for your body.

*** Make sure there is a space after a comma, but not before a comma. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: If a person doesn’t wash their hands, that can lead them to have a fever, a cold, and more viruses that are bad for the body.

When COVID-19 came from China there were 100,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

*** Change “When” to “Since.” Change “were” to “have been.”

Edited sentence: Since COVID-19 first came from China, there have been 100,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

When ever you touch a person that sneezed or coughed on their hands, you should never touch you face until you washed them, but water and soap aren't the only things that can help you kill the virus, you can also use alcohol-based sanitizer.

*** “When ever” should be one word, as in “Whenever.” Add “has” after “a person that.” To make the sentence clearer, change “until you washed them” to “until their hands are washed.” Add “an” before “alcohol-based sanitizer.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. This sentence can be split into two.

Edited sentence: Whenever a person touches someone that has sneezed or coughed on their hands, that person should never touch their face until their hands are washed. But water and soap aren’t the only tools that can help kill the virus — so can an alcohol-based sanitizer.

These alcohol-based sanitizer can also help you kill the virus.

*** Change “These” to “This.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. This sentence can be combined with the previous sentence.

Edited sentence: But water and soap aren’t the only tools that can help kill the virus — an alcohol-based sanitizer can also help kill the virus.

These two things can help you prevent getting the virus,SARS-CoV-2 is very easily transmitted to other people, because if you cough or sneeze, on your hands and touch other people, you can give them a virus and make them sick.

*** Avoid the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: These two methods can help prevent people from getting the virus, because SARS-CoV-2 is very easily transmitted to other people. If a person coughs or sneezes on their hands and touches other people, they can give the other people a virus and make them sick.

That is why washing your hands are very important.

*** Since “washing hands” is a single action, change “are” to “is.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. This sentence can be combined with the previous sentence.

Edited sentence: If a person coughs or sneezes on their hands and touches other people, they can give the other people a virus and make them sick, which is why washing hands is very important.

*** Rewrite the title. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Either remove “you” or replace “you” with other pronouns such as “a person,” “people,” “they,” or “them,” depending on the sentence. Avoid the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it. Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited paragraph:

Washing hands is very important because it can kill all the viruses on a person’s hands. Washing hands is like a weapon that can be used to kill the virus. If a person doesn’t wash their hands, that can lead them to have a fever, a cold, and more viruses that are bad for the body. Since COVID-19 first came from China, there have been 100,000 confirmed cases worldwide. Whenever a person touches someone that has sneezed or coughed on their hands, that person should never touch their face until their hands are washed. But water and soap aren’t the only tools that can help kill the virus — an alcohol-based sanitizer can also help kill the virus. These two methods can help prevent people from getting the virus, because SARS-CoV-2 is very easily transmitted to other people. If a person coughs or sneezes on their hands and touches other people, they can give the other people a virus and make them sick, which is why washing hands is very important.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-washing-your-hands-so-important-anyway-180974355/

Edited by Penny Yagake






   Parrots Will Share Currency to Help Their Pals Purchase Food

Animals often share food. These animals are very smart when it comes to sharing their currency to help their pals to get food.They really like walnuts, so they learned how to trade money for food.These bird are very generous to each other, most of the time they would share rings so that their pals can get food too.These animals are known to have a helpful behavior, but they aren't the only animals that knows how to share, bats, bonobos, and more.Even though they are not promised with any reward ,they seven out of eight transferred the token to the other.The parrots are capable of sharing and they know when their pal really needs the ring and when they don't .These animals show have complex and clever they are.

  source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/parrots-share-currency-help-their-pals-purchase-food-180973917/


Parrots Will Share Currency to Help Their Pals Purchase Food

*** This title seems to be copied from the article. Please rewrite the title of the summary.

Animals often share food.

*** Put quotation marks around phrases from the article. Add “According to the article” before the quote.

Edited sentence: According to the article, “Animals often share food.”

These animals are very smart when it comes to sharing their currency to help their pals to get food.

*** Change “animals” to “parrots” which is more specific. “friends” would be a more formal term to use than “pals.” Remove the last “to.” You can combine this sentence with the first sentence to help the summary fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: According to the article, “Animals often share food,” and these parrots are very smart when it comes to sharing their currency to help their friends get food.

They really like walnuts, so they learned how to trade money for food.

*** Change “money” to “metal rings” which is more specific. You can mention that this happened during an experiment since parrots may not always do this.

Edited sentence: They really like walnuts, so in an experiment, they learned how to trade metal rings for them.

These bird are very generous to each other, most of the time they would share rings so that their pals can get food too.

*** Add a “s” at the end of “bird.” Change the comma to a dash. Since this experiment already happened in the past, change the verbs to past tense.

Edited sentence: These birds were very generous to each other — most of the time they would share rings so that their friends could get food too.

These animals are known to have a helpful behavior, but they aren't the only animals that knows how to share, bats, bonobos, and more.

*** Change the first “animals” to “parrots.” Change “have a helpful behavior” to “be helpful.” Use a dash before “bats, bonobos, and more.” The last part of this sentence is incomplete, so add “also share” at the end of the sentence.”

Edited sentence: These parrots are known to be helpful, but they aren’t the only ones that know how to share — bats, bonobos, and other animals also share.

Even though they are not promised with any reward ,they seven out of eight transferred the token to the other.

*** Change “are” to “were” since this experiment occurred in the past. Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma. Remove “they.” You can move this sentence after the third sentence since the two are related.

Edited sentence: Even though they were not promised with any reward, seven out of eight transferred rings to the others.

The parrots are capable of sharing and they know when their pal really needs the ring and when they don't .

*** Remove the extra space before the period. Change “The” to “These.” Since the summary already states that the parrots know how to share, you can remove “are capable of sharing and they.” Explain how they know when their friends don’t need the rings.

Edited sentence: These parrots know when their friends really need the rings and when they don’t, such as if they cannot buy walnuts with the rings.

These animals show have complex and clever they are.

*** Change “have” to “how.” Combine this sentence with the previous sentence to help the summary fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: These parrots know when their friends really need the rings and when they don’t, such as if they cannot buy walnuts with the rings, which shows how complex and clever they are.

*** Make sure there is a space between each sentence. You must create your own title. Put quotation marks around phrases from the article. Use specific detail when you can and make sure the tense of each sentence matches the timing of the events that occur in the article. Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

According to the article, “Animals often share food,” and these parrots are very smart when it comes to sharing their currency to help their friends get food. They really like walnuts, so in an experiment, they learned how to trade metal rings for them. These birds were very generous to each other — most of the time they would share rings so that their friends could get food too. Even though they were not promised with any reward, seven out of eight transferred rings to the others. These parrots are known to be helpful, but they aren’t the only ones that know how to share — bats, bonobos, and other animals also share. These parrots know when their friends really need the rings and when they don’t, such as if they cannot buy walnuts with the rings, which shows how complex and clever they are.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/parrots-share-currency-help-their-pals-purchase-food-180973917/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Why Wolverines Are the Arctic Animal We Love to Hate

Wolverine’s are known for being very unpleasant. This animal has a dog size which can gain about 30 pounds, they have claws that looks like daggers and strong jaws to tear up frozen or hard parts of other animals. There are many cultures that name these wolverines , for example ( some cultures calls these animals Gulo gulo, which means glutton in Latin, and there are some cultures that calls them skunk bears). These animals might look cute ,cuddly and innocent ..... but their not. These animals will chase and attack anyone that is ten times bigger than them, not even the bears would want to mess with them.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/wolverines-arctic-animal-love-hate-180974160/


Why Wolverines Are the Arctic Animal We Love to Hate

*** This was the article’s original title (this can be seen in the top comment below the article and on the browser tab). Please rewrite the title of the summary.

Wolverine’s are known for being very unpleasant.

*** Remove the apostrophe in “Wolverine’s.”

Edited sentence: Wolverines are known for being very unpleasant.

This animal has a dog size which can gain about 30 pounds, they have claws that looks like daggers and strong jaws to tear up frozen or hard parts of other animals.

*** Change “has a dog size” to “is the size of a dog.” Change “which” to “and.” Remove the “s” at the end of “looks.” This sentence can be split into two sentences, which will also help the summary fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: This animal is the size of a dog and can gain about 30 pounds. They have claws that look like daggers and strong jaws to tear up frozen or hard parts of other animals.

There are many cultures that name these wolverines , for example ( some cultures calls these animals Gulo gulo, which means glutton in Latin, and there are some cultures that calls them skunk bears).

*** Gulo gulo is the scientific name. I have edited this sentence to reflect that. According to the article, some cultures call it a “skunk bear.” Change “that name these wolverines” to “that give these wolverines names.” The parentheses aren’t needed.

Edited sentence: There are many cultures that give these wolverines names such as “skunk bear,” while the scientific name is Gulo gulo, which means “glutton” in Latin.

These animals might look cute ,cuddly and innocent ..... but their not.

*** Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma. An ellipsis should have three periods (...). Change “their” to “they’re.” The word “their” indicates that an object belongs to someone. “they’re” means “they are.”

Edited sentence: These animals might look cute, cuddly, and innocent… but they’re not.

These animals will chase and attack anyone that is ten times bigger than them, not even the bears would want to mess with them.

*** Change “anyone” to “anything” since this could be referring to either people or animals. Add “and” after the comma. Remove “the” before “bears.”

Edited sentence: These animals will chase and attack anything that is ten times bigger than them, and not even bears would want to mess with them.

*** Make sure the information included in the summary is correct according to the article. Note where punctuation, such as apostrophes and parentheses, has been removed. The word “their” indicates that an object belongs to someone. “they’re” means “they are.” Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Wolverines are known for being very unpleasant. This animal is the size of a dog and can gain about 30 pounds. They have claws that look like daggers and strong jaws to tear up frozen or hard parts of other animals. There are many cultures that give these wolverines names such as “skunk bear,” while the scientific name is Gulo gulo, which means “glutton” in Latin. These animals might look cute, cuddly, and innocent… but they’re not. These animals will chase and attack anything that is ten times bigger than them, and not even bears would want to mess with them.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/wolverines-arctic-animal-love-hate-180974160/

Edited by Penny Yagake






  Human Genome Recovered From 5,700-Year-Old Chewing Gum
   The first gum that was created was a modern chewing gum which was made out of tar. For  archaeologists, the sticky stuff will help them know about the lives of the people who chewed the chewy tar.They used the ancient birch gum to  see about what lived in her mouth.Researchers did some examining and found out that they also chewed on  the sticky stuff to make to make it malleable again after it cooled, to ease toothaches , to clean teeth, to ease hunger pains, or because they enjoyed it.These chewy gum helped many scientists and researchers to know more about gums from the past and what lived in the mouth of a person who chewed these kind of gums.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/human-genome-recovered-5700-year-old-chewing-gum-180973801/


Human Genome Recovered From 5,700-Year-Old Chewing Gum

*** This title seems to be copied from the article. Please rewrite this title.

The first gum that was created was a modern chewing gum which was made out of tar.

*** Remove “modern” since the first chewing gums existed years before modern times — “modern” means present day, whereas the first chewing gums existed thousands of years ago.

Edited sentence: The first chewing gum that was created was a chewing gum which was made out of tar.

For archaeologists, the sticky stuff will help them know about the lives of the people who chewed the chewy tar.

*** Remove the extra space after “For.” Change “will” to “can.” Remove “chewy” since “chewed” comes right before it.

Edited sentence: For archaeologists, the sticky stuff can help them know about the lives of the people who chewed the tar.

They used the ancient birch gum to see about what lived in her mouth.

*** “her” indicates that a woman has been mentioned before this sentence, but she hasn’t been mentioned before. Change “her” to “the chewer’s.” Remove “about.”

Edited sentence: They used the ancient birch gum to see what lived in the chewer’s mouth.

Researchers did some examining and found out that they also chewed on the sticky stuff to make to make it malleable again after it cooled, to ease toothaches , to clean teeth, to ease hunger pains, or because they enjoyed it.

*** Use quotation marks around phrases from the article. Remove the extra “to make.” Change “they” to “these people.” Add “might have” before “also chewed.”

Edited sentence: Researchers did some examining and found out that they might have also chewed on the sticky stuff “to make it malleable once again after it cooled, to ease toothaches… to clean teeth, to ease hunger pains, or simply because they enjoyed it.”

These chewy gum helped many scientists and researchers to know more about gums from the past and what lived in the mouth of a person who chewed these kind of gums.

*** Change “chewy gum” to “chewing gums.” Remove “to” after “researchers.” Add a “s” at the end of “kind” since “gums” is plural.

Edited sentence: These chewing gums helped many scientists and researchers know more about gums from the past and what lived in the mouth of a person who chewed these kinds of gums.

*** Make sure there is a space between each sentence. You must create your own title for your summary. Use quotation marks around phrases from the article. Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

The first chewing gum that was created was a chewing gum which was made out of tar. For archaeologists, the sticky stuff can help them know about the lives of the people who chewed the tar. They used the ancient birch gum to see what lived in the chewer’s mouth. Researchers did some examining and found out that they might have also chewed on the sticky stuff “to make it malleable once again after it cooled, to ease toothaches… to clean teeth, to ease hunger pains, or simply because they enjoyed it.” These chewing gums helped many scientists and researchers know more about gums from the past and what lived in the mouth of a person who chewed these kinds of gums.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/human-genome-recovered-5700-year-old-chewing-gum-180973801/

Edited by Penny Yagake






    These jellyfish don’t need tentacles to deliver a toxic sting 
   There were a few complains from Somers that they felt the same sensation as getting stung by jellyfish. But they said that they never had any contact with a jellyfish,  there is another species kind of jellyfish where their body ships like an umbrella with long swing tentacles undulating beneath as it floats through the water and has soft circular body known as the medusa. These kind of jellyfish can unleash plums of mucus  into the water and the slime from the mucus was the cause of the irritation as if they got stung. But scientists are still curious about what element this slime might lead to pain before . The mucus has toxic bubble tissues which covers in the same things cells which causes the iconic jellyfish itch that swimmers keep complaining about. TheseJellyfishes are well known as to be called the upside down jellyfish.
Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/cause-mystery-stings-ocean-confirmed-180974198/.


These jellyfish don’t need tentacles to deliver a toxic sting

*** This title seems to be copied from the article. Do not copy titles. Rewrite the title of this summary with your own words.

There were a few complains from Somers that they felt the same sensation as getting stung by jellyfish.

*** Since swimmers have “long reported” this sensation, there probably have been multiple complaints. Spell “complains” as “complaints.” Spell “Somers” as “swimmers.” This sentence can be combined with the first part of the second sentence.

Edited sentence: There were multiple complaints from swimmers saying that they felt a sensation similar to getting stung by a jellyfish, but they said that they never had any contact with a jellyfish.

But they said that they never had any contact with a jellyfish, there is another species kind of jellyfish where their body ships like an umbrella with long swing tentacles undulating beneath as it floats through the water and has soft circular body known as the medusa.

*** The first part of the sentence can be combined with the first sentence. So this sentence can start with “There is another…” Remove “species” since this sentence does not need both “species” and “kind.” Change “where their body ships” to “whose body is shaped.” Add “a” after “has.” Use quotation marks around phrases from the article.

Edited sentence: There is another kind of jellyfish whose body is shaped like an umbrella with long swinging tentacles “undulating beneath as it floats through the water” and which has a “soft, circular body, known as the medusa.”

These kind of jellyfish can unleash plums of mucus into the water and the slime from the mucus was the cause of the irritation as if they got stung.

*** Change “These” to “This” since one kind of jellyfish is discussed here. Spell “plums” as “plumes.” The word “plums” refers to a fruit while “plumes” refers to a substance that spreads out. “slime” and “mucus” refer to the same substance, so just using “mucus” by itself is fine. To remind readers who “they” are, add “that made swimmers feel” before “as if they got stung.”

Edited sentence: This kind of jellyfish can unleash plumes of mucus into the water and this mucus was the cause of the irritation that made swimmers feel as if they got stung.

But scientists are still curious about what element this slime might lead to pain before .

*** Change “are” to “were” since this is describing a past event. Add a “s” at the end of “element” and add “in” after “elements.” Remove the extra space before the period. Remove “before.”

Edited sentence: But scientists were still curious about what elements in this mucus might cause pain.

The mucus has toxic bubble tissues which covers in the same things cells which causes the iconic jellyfish itch that swimmers keep complaining about.

*** You can use quotations around phrases from the article. Change “which covers” to “which are covered.” The word “things” is not needed. Remove the “s” at the end of “causes.”

Edited sentence: The mucus has “toxic bubble-like tissues” which are covered in the same cells which cause “the iconic jellyfish itch” that swimmers keep complaining about.

TheseJellyfishes are well known as to be called the upside down jellyfish.

*** Here, the plural form of “jellyfish” is also “jellyfish.” Add a space between “These” and “jellyfish.” Remove “to be called.”

Edited sentence: These jellyfish are well known as the upside down jellyfish.

*** If a sentence has two words that are nearly the same in meaning, see if you can just use one of them. Make sure plural nouns are written correctly. A sentence with a singular noun would be written as “This jellyfish stings” while a sentence with a plural noun would be written as “These jellyfish sting.” Note that the verb in the sentence with a plural noun does not use an “s.” If you need to use a phrase from the article, use quotes.

Fully edited article:

There were multiple complaints from swimmers saying that they felt a sensation similar to getting stung by a jellyfish, but they said that they never had any contact with a jellyfish. There is another kind of jellyfish whose body is shaped like an umbrella with long swinging tentacles “undulating beneath as it floats through the water” and which has a “soft, circular body, known as the medusa.” This kind of jellyfish can unleash plumes of mucus into the water and this mucus was the cause of the irritation that made swimmers feel as if they got stung. But scientists were still curious about what elements in this mucus might cause pain. The mucus has “toxic bubble-like tissues” which are covered in the same cells which cause “the iconic jellyfish itch” that swimmers keep complaining about. These jellyfish are well known as the upside down jellyfish.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/cause-mystery-stings-ocean-confirmed-180974198/

Edited by Penny Yagake






   Why Find Mosquitoes Your Warm Blood
So Appealing
 Some people wonder why mosquitoes are so attracted to their warm blood.There are researchers that found out that mosquitos are attracted to hot things like our blood.People say that mosquitos are very annoying because it is always following you and going on or around you.You might think that mosquitoes aren't harmful, but they are , these blood sucking bugs carries the pathogens that cause malaria, dengue, Zika and more. Researchers says that mosquitoes that has IR21a are the ones who are more interested into warm blood, but the ones who didn't have IR21a, they are the ones that are the ones that are more attracted to warm blood. Researchers has done many experiments with mosquitoes and they found out that fruit flies are related to mosquitoes, they are known to be cousins.

source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-mosquitoes-find-your-warm-blood-so-appealing-180974130/


Why Find Mosquitoes Your Warm Blood So Appealing

*** This title seems to be copied from the source article. Please rewrite the title with your own words.

Some people wonder why mosquitoes are so attracted to their warm blood.

*** Good.

There are researchers that found out that mosquitos are attracted to hot things like our blood.

*** Spell “mosquitos” as “mosquitoes.” Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name or describe the thing. Change “things” to “substances.” Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view only. In this case, remove “our.” You can start this sentence with “Researchers found out…”

Edited sentence: Researchers found out that mosquitoes are attracted to hot substances like blood.

People say that mosquitos are very annoying because it is always following you and going on or around you.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “you” to other pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Change “it” to “they” since this sentence is referring to more than one mosquito. Spell “mosquitos” as “mosquitoes.”

Edited sentence: People say that mosquitoes are very annoying because they are always following people, flying around and landing on them.

You might think that mosquitoes aren't harmful, but they are , these blood sucking bugs carries the pathogens that cause malaria, dengue, Zika and more.

*** Remove the space before the comma. Spell “carries” as “carry” since the noun that comes before it — “bugs” — is plural. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “you” to other pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: People might think that mosquitoes aren’t harmful, but these blood sucking bugs can carry pathogens that cause malaria, dengue, Zika, and other diseases.

Researchers says that mosquitoes that has IR21a are the ones who are more interested into warm blood, but the ones who didn't have IR21a, they are the ones that are the ones that are more attracted to warm blood.

*** The mosquitoes that don’t have IR21a are not attracted to blood. Since the noun “Researchers” is plural, change “says” to “say.” Because the noun “mosquitoes” is plural, change “has” to “have.” Add “a receptor called” before “IR21a.” Remove “are the ones who.” Change “into” to “in.” Change “didn’t” to “don’t” since this sentence starts in present tense.

Edited sentence: Researchers say that mosquitoes that have a receptor called IR21a are more interested in warm blood, but the ones that don’t have IR21a are not attracted to warm blood.

Researchers has done many experiments with mosquitoes and they found out that fruit flies are related to mosquitoes, they are known to be cousins.

*** Because the noun “Researchers” is plural, change “has” to “have.” Change “they are known to be cousins” to “as cousins.”

Edited sentence: Researchers have done many experiments with mosquitoes and they found out that fruit flies are related to mosquitoes as cousins.

*** Check the noun-verb agreement in these sentences. For example, a singular noun should be paired with a singular verb, such as “a researcher says.” A plural noun paired with a plural verb would be written as “researchers say.” Make sure the information included in the summary is correct according to the article. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Change “you” to other pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Fully edited article:

Some people wonder why mosquitoes are so attracted to their warm blood. Researchers found out that mosquitoes are attracted to hot substances like blood. People say that mosquitoes are very annoying because they are always following people, flying around and landing on them. People might think that mosquitoes aren’t harmful, but these blood sucking bugs can carry pathogens that cause malaria, dengue, Zika, and other diseases. Researchers say that mosquitoes that have a receptor called IR21a are more interested in warm blood, but the ones that don’t have IR21a are not attracted to warm blood. Researchers have done many experiments with mosquitoes and they found out that fruit flies are related to mosquitoes as cousins.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-mosquitoes-find-your-warm-blood-so-appealing-180974130/

Edited by Penny Yagake






     Some salamanders can regrow lost body parts. 
    Salamanders are very unique animals. Their body can we go broken or lost limbs or other body parts, the reason that their

able to regrow broken or lost limbs it’s because they have a special skin called wound epithelium , It builds a tissue called blastema where new body parts sprout from. Other reasons why they’re unique is that they have Mona Lisa’s half smile and they’re red, frilly gills makes them look like they’re dressed up for a party.Some people think if us humans can also regrow our body parts like salamanders. Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/mind-body/.


Some salamanders can regrow lost body parts.

*** Since this article is discussing a specific type of salamander, use the salamander’s name. Additionally, capitalize each word in this title.

Edited title: Axolotls Can Regrow Lost Body Parts

Salamanders are very unique animals.

*** Good.

Their body can we go broken or lost limbs or other body parts, the reason that their able to regrow broken or lost limbs it’s because they have a special skin called wound epithelium , It builds a tissue called blastema where new body parts sprout from.

*** This sentence is pretty long, so divide it up into three sentences. This also helps the summary fit the six sentence structure. “body” should be plural so change “body” to “bodies” and “It” to “They.” Change “we go” to “regrow.” Change the second “their” to “they’re” — “they’re” means “they are.” Change “it’s” to “is.”

Edited sentence: Their bodies can regrow broken or lost limbs and other body parts. The reason that they’re able to regrow broken or lost limbs is because they have a special skin called wound epithelium. They also build a tissue called the blastema where new body parts sprout from.

Other reasons why they’re unique is that they have Mona Lisa’s half smile and they’re red, frilly gills makes them look like they’re dressed up for a party.

*** Change the second “they’re” to “their” — “they’re” means “they are” while “their” means that an object belongs to a person, or in this case, the salamanders. Change “is” to “are” since multiple reasons are mentioned here.

Edited sentence: Other reasons why they’re unique are that they have Mona Lisa’s half-smile and their red, frilly gills make them look like they’re dressed up for a party.

Some people think if us humans can also regrow our body parts like salamanders.

*** Avoid first person point of view (“us,” “our”) and use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Some people think humans can also one day regrow body parts like salamanders.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/mind-body/.

*** Make sure the source URL is correct. The above URL does not lead to the article. Based on the information in the summary, the article URL appears to be: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/some-salamanders-can-regrow-lost-body-parts-could-humans-one-day-do-same-180974090/

*** Use specific details if you can — since this article discusses axolotls, the name should be mentioned. Check to make sure “their” and “they’re” are used correctly. Avoid first person point of view (“us,” “our”) and use third person point of view only. Instead of “us” or “our,” use pronouns such as “a person,” “people,” or “they.”

Fully edited article:

Axolotls Can Regrow Lost Body Parts

Salamanders are very unique animals. Their bodies can regrow broken or lost limbs and other body parts. The reason that they’re able to regrow broken or lost limbs is because they have a special skin called wound epithelium. They also build a tissue called the blastema where new body parts sprout from. Other reasons why they’re unique are that they have Mona Lisa’s half-smile and their red, frilly gills make them look like they’re dressed up for a party. Some people think humans can also one day regrow body parts like salamanders.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/some-salamanders-can-regrow-lost-body-parts-could-humans-one-day-do-same-180974090/






Do you scientist may have found a cure for bubble boy disease  
       The bubble boy disease is a rare genetic disorder. There was a boy with the bubble boy disease, doctors that are first when they heard that something was wrong with him, they thought that he was just allergic to his mothers breast. After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the bubble boy disease. After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him, and he was able to go home with his family with no medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.Now the doctors can help cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/scientists-found-cure-bubble-boy-disease-180973496/


Do you scientist may have found a cure for bubble boy disease

*** This title is pretty close to the title of the source article. Please rewrite this title. I have suggested one below.

Edited title: Gene Therapy May Cure “Bubble Boy Disease”

The bubble boy disease is a rare genetic disorder.

*** Since the article puts quotation marks around “bubble boy disease,” you can do that here.

Edited sentence: The “bubble boy disease” is a rare genetic disorder.

There was a boy with the bubble boy disease, doctors that are first when they heard that something was wrong with him, they thought that he was just allergic to his mothers breast.

*** Doctors thought he was allergic to the mother’s “milk,” not her breast. Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “mothers.” This sentence can be divided into two, which also helps the paragraph fit into the six sentence structure. Change “that are first when they heard” to “that first heard.”

Edited sentence: There was a boy with the bubble disease. Doctors that first heard that something was wrong with him thought that he was just allergic to his mother’s milk.

After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the bubble boy disease.

*** Put quotation marks around “bubble boy disease.”

Edited sentence: After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the “bubble boy disease.”

After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him, and he was able to go home with his family with no medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.

*** Good, but describe how they cured him. Change “with no” to “without.”

Edited sentence: After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him using stem cells, and he was able to go home with his family without medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.

Now the doctors can help cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.

*** Since the gene therapy is still experimental and in need of approval from the Food and Drug Administration according to the article, it would be more accurate to say that the doctors hope to cure anyone with the disease.

Edited sentence: Now the doctors hope to be able to cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.

*** Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the article. If an article uses specific terms or punctuation, such as the quotation marks around “bubble boy disease,” consider using the same terms and punctuation in the summary to make sure it’s accurate. Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Gene Therapy May Cure “Bubble Boy Disease”

The “bubble boy disease” is a rare genetic disorder. There was a boy with the bubble disease. Doctors that first heard that something was wrong with him thought that he was just allergic to his mother’s milk. After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the “bubble boy disease.” After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him using stem cells, and he was able to go home with his family without medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble. Now the doctors hope to be able to cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/scientists-found-cure-bubble-boy-disease-180973496/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Hong Kong’s Sticky-Note Revolution

    When you go to Hong Kong, you will see a lot of post-its on the wall of Lennon. The first wall of Lennon appeared in 2014, the wall is for people to write notes about things. Some of the notes are about John Lennon from the Beatles. After the died, people started to write some of his lyrics on the wall or drew a portrait of him on the wall. Hong Kong's sticky-Notes weren't only about John Lennon, it can be about other things like sending a message to others. Many other people write things about the government in China.You can see these post-its in some places in China.  

Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/hong-kongs-sticky-note-revolution-180974042/.


Hong Kong’s Sticky-Note Revolution

*** This title is the same as the article. Please rewrite this title.

When you go to Hong Kong, you will see a lot of post-its on the wall of Lennon.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “a person” or “they.” The article refers to these walls as “Lennon Walls” so you can use the same term here.

Edited sentence: When a person goes to Hong Kong, they will see a lot of Post-it notes on Lennon Walls.

The first wall of Lennon appeared in 2014, the wall is for people to write notes about things.

*** Write “wall of Lennon” as “Lennon Wall” since that is the name used in the article. Specify that this is the first Lennon Wall in Hong Kong since the article mentions another Lennon Wall in Prague. Add “and” before “the wall.” Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.

Edited sentence: The first Lennon Wall appeared in Hong Kong in 2014, and the wall is for people to write notes including poems or political messages.

Some of the notes are about John Lennon from the Beatles.

*** This is describing the original Lennon Wall in Prague. However, later notes were technically inspired by John Lennon’s work.

Edited sentence: Originally, the notes were about John Lennon from the Beatles.

After the died, people started to write some of his lyrics on the wall or drew a portrait of him on the wall.

*** The article suggests the lyrics and the portrait were done by one person. “the” at the beginning of the sentence should be replaced by “he.” Since this occurred in the past, this sentence should be in past tense.

Edited sentence: After he died, a person wrote some of his lyrics on a Lennon Wall in Prague and drew a portrait of him on the wall.

Hong Kong's sticky-Notes weren't only about John Lennon, it can be about other things like sending a message to others.

*** Since this is occurring in the present day, change “weren’t” to “aren’t.” “sticky-Notes” should be written as “sticky notes” without the hyphen and the capitalized “N.” Change “it” to “they” since the subject, sticky notes, is plural. Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.

Edited sentence: Hong Kong’s sticky notes aren’t only about John Lennon, they can be about other topics like sending a message to others.

Many other people write things about the government in China.

*** Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.

Edited sentence: Many other people write messages about the government in China.

You can see these post-its in some places in China.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: People can see these Post-it notes in some places in China.

*** Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the source article. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.

Fully edited article:

When a person goes to Hong Kong, they will see a lot of Post-it notes on Lennon Walls. The first Lennon Wall appeared in Hong Kong in 2014, and the wall is for people to write notes including poems or political messages. Originally, the notes were about John Lennon from the Beatles. After he died, a person wrote some of his lyrics on a Lennon Wall in Prague and drew a portrait of him on the wall. Hong Kong’s sticky notes aren’t only about John Lennon, they can be about other topics like sending a message to others. Many other people write messages about the government in China. People can see these Post-it notes in some places in China.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/hong-kongs-sticky-note-revolution-180974042/.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Mr.Peanut was the creation of an Italian-American schoolboy.

     A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut was a sensation all around the world. It all started when it was 1916, there was a contest, so he drew a friendly, humanized peanut. And one of his sketches won and he got five dollars as an award. The boy's name is Antonio Gentile, his nephews told a story about Antonio’s past story. It is about how he moved to a new place, he was a very smart student. He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died. He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr.Peanut.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-italian-american-schoolboy-created-mr-peanut-180974040/.


Mr.Peanut was the creation of an Italian-American schoolboy.

*** This title is almost the same as the article, except that the space in “Mr. Peanut” has been removed and the capitalization on some of the words has been removed. Please rewrite the title.

A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut was a sensation all around the world.

*** Change “was” to “became.”

Edited sentence: A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut became a sensation all around the world.

It all started when it was 1916, there was a contest, so he drew a friendly, humanized peanut.

*** Replace “when it was” with “in.” Add more specific detail about the contest.

Edited sentence: It all started in 1916 when there was a contest for Planters Nut and Chocolate Company’s trademark, and he “drew a friendly, humanized peanut” for the contest.

And one of his sketches won and he got five dollars as an award.

*** Remove “And” at the beginning of this sentence. Change “award” to “reward.”

Edited sentence: One of his sketches won and he got five dollars as a reward.

The boy's name is Antonio Gentile, his nephews told a story about Antonio’s past story.

*** Add “and” after the comma. Remove “story” at the end since it’s already stated. Change “a” to “the.”

Edited sentence: The boy’s name is Antonio Gentile, and his nephews told the story about Antonio’s past.

It is about how he moved to a new place, he was a very smart student.

*** Change “It is” to “They talked.” Add “and how” after the comma.

Edited sentence: They talked about how he moved to a new place, and how he was a very smart student.

He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died.

*** Good.

He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr.Peanut.

*** There should always be a space after “Mr.”

Edited sentence: He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut.

*** Rewrite the title. Try to use “and” to connect phrases instead of using a comma by itself. Personal titles such as Mr. or Mrs. should always be followed by a space.

Fully edited article:

A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut became a sensation all around the world. It all started in 1916 when there was a contest for Planters Nut and Chocolate Company’s trademark, and he “drew a friendly, humanized peanut” for the contest. One of his sketches won and he got five dollars as a reward. The boy’s name is Antonio Gentile, and his nephews told the story about Antonio’s past. They talked about how he moved to a new place, and how he was a very smart student. He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died. He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-italian-american-schoolboy-created-mr-peanut-180974040/.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Summary for PYE E-cigarettes caught fire among teens

    E-cigs are very bad for people even for young people like teens or young adults .Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens who vapes,when he did a school survey in high school they said that they only vaped once last 30 days.The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use is Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent, they will get the same amount a smoker would get when they smoke 26 to 40 cigarettes.Young adults and younger gets addicted it it more than adults,vaping can harm your brain until you are 25--- affecting your mood and your impulse control.Vaping can damage or harm your body, Bonnie said that “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,”which means that young people 

vaping never wanted to smoke cigarettes. Additionally, if you keep on using vape you will become dependent on nicotine.At least vaping isn’t as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes

releases cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.This is all about e-cigarettes,and how it can affect people in a bad way.


Summary for PYE E-cigarettes caught fire among teens

*** “Summary for PYE” is not needed in the title. The rest of the title is pretty close to the title of the source article: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/e-cigs-use-teens-vaping-2018-yir. Please rewrite the title of your article summary.

E-cigs are very bad for people even for young people like teens or young adults .

*** Remove the extra space before the period. I added a comma after “for people.”

Edited sentence: E-cigs are very bad for people, even for young people like teens or young adults.

Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens who vapes,when he did a school survey in high school they said that they only vaped once last 30 days.

*** Remove “who vapes.” Change the comma to “and.” The phrase “a school survey in high school” can be written as “a survey with high schoolers.” The article states they used e-cigs “at least once” meaning some students may have used it multiple times, not only once.

Edited sentence: Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens and when he did a survey with high schoolers, they said that they vaped at least once in the last 30 days.

The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use is Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent, they will get the same amount a smoker would get when they smoke 26 to 40 cigarettes.

*** Change “or” to “and.” Add “nicotine Juul pod” after “5 percent.” This sentence can be written in a more active voice — rather than saying “The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use” this sentence can say “A lot of teens or young adults use the brand Juul.”

Edited sentence: A lot of teens and young adults use the brand Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent nicotine Juul pod, they will get the same amount as a smoker who smokes 26 to 40 cigarettes.

Young adults and younger gets addicted it it more than adults,vaping can harm your brain until you are 25--- affecting your mood and your impulse control.

*** Remove the “s” at the end of “gets.” Change the first “it” to “to.” The harm to the brain does not stop at 25 — the article states that brain development lasts until a person is 25 years old. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — remove “you.”

Edited sentence: Young adults and younger get addicted to it more than adults, and vaping can harm the brain which develops until the age of 25, affecting a person’s mood and their impulse control.

Vaping can damage or harm your body, Bonnie said that “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,”which means that young people vaping never wanted to smoke cigarettes.

*** “damage” and “harm” have the same meaning here, so you only need one of these words. Include Bonnie’s full name. Add “and” after the first comma. Change “young people vaping” to “young people who vape.”

Edited sentence: Vaping can damage a person’s body, and Bonnie Halpern-Felsher said, “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,” which means that young people who vape never wanted to smoke cigarettes.

Additionally, if you keep on using vape you will become dependent on nicotine.

*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with other pronouns such as “a person” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Additionally, if a person keeps on using vape they will become dependent on nicotine.

At least vaping isn’t as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes releases cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.

*** The article states that this is an idea, but it doesn’t matter when it comes to teens, because vaping could still be harmful to teens. Remove the “s” at the end of “releases.”

Edited sentence: Vaping isn’t considered as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes release cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.

This is all about e-cigarettes,and how it can affect people in a bad way.

*** Add a space after the comma. Change “it” to “they” since “e-cigarettes” is plural.

Edited sentence: This is all about e-cigarettes, and how they can affect people in a bad way.

*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Check the information included in the article summary to make sure it is correct according to the source. Watch out for repeated words and make sure that plural subjects are paired with plural verbs — a singular subject and verb would be written as “a teen who vapes” while a plural subject and verb would be written as “teens who vape.” Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

E-cigs are very bad for people, even for young people like teens or young adults. Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens and when he did a survey with high schoolers, they said that they vaped at least once in the last 30 days. A lot of teens and young adults use the brand Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent nicotine Juul pod, they will get the same amount as a smoker who smokes 26 to 40 cigarettes. Young adults and younger get addicted to it more than adults, and vaping can harm the brain which develops until the age of 25, affecting a person’s mood and their impulse control. Vaping can damage a person’s body, and Bonnie Halpern-Felsher said, “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,” which means that young people who vape never wanted to smoke cigarettes. Additionally, if a person keeps on using vape they will become dependent on nicotine. Vaping isn’t considered as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes release cancer-causing tar, unlike vape. This is all about e-cigarettes, and how they can affect people in a bad way.

Source: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/e-cigs-use-teens-vaping-2018-yir

Edited by Penny Yagake






Effects of caffeine consumption on the body PYE Phentsok Sangmo July 10/2019

 Caffeine is not good for you,there are other drinks or junk food that has caffeine in it besides coffee such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea and chocolate, also contain caffeine. Caffeine is a very common drugs that people drink,caffeine can make people feel pleasure but it can make a person feel alerted.There is many college students who drink coffee or caffeine is because they have a lot of work to do that they need something to keep them awake , and they chosen coffee or caffeine to solve that problem. Caffeine can make a person addicted to it and will make your body dependent on it. Caffeine also interacts with neurotransmitters which is the same way other drugs do, and there is a woman who never drank caffeine and she never like it when she was in high school and learned about how caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.Additionally caffeine is bad for you and contains moderate dose which is 250mg, drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating a good amount is good for, better than caffeine .This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.


Effects of caffeine consumption on the body

*** This title seems to be the same as this article: https://www.bgfalconmedia.com/campus/effects-of-caffeine-consumption-on-the-body/article_6f03a9f4-ed1c-11e8-a392-df53fdf29dba.html. If this is so, please change the title.

Caffeine is not good for you,there are other drinks or junk food that has caffeine in it besides coffee such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea and chocolate, also contain caffeine.

*** This is a run-on sentence. To fix this, replace the first comma with a dash. Change “has” to “have.” Replace “or” with “and.” Move “besides coffee” after “junk food.” Change “it” to “them” since multiple drinks and food are referred to here. Remove “also contain caffeine” at the end since this sentence already states that these items have caffeine. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to other pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Caffeine is not good for people — there are other drinks and junk food besides coffee that have caffeine in them such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea, and chocolate.

Caffeine is a very common drugs that people drink,caffeine can make people feel pleasure but it can make a person feel alerted.

*** Remove the “s” at the end of “drugs” since only one drug is discussed here. Add a space after the comma. Change the second “caffeine” to “which.” Remove the “ed” at the end of “alerted.”

Edited sentence: Caffeine is a very common drug that people drink, which can make people feel pleasure and also make them feel alert.

There is many college students who drink coffee or caffeine is because they have a lot of work to do that they need something to keep them awake , and they chosen coffee or caffeine to solve that problem.

*** Change the first “is” to “are.” Use either “coffee” or “caffeine” — here I have changed it to “students who use caffeine.” I also changed “they chosen coffee or caffeine” to “they choose coffee.” Change “work to do that” to “work to do and.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but not before a comma.

Edited sentence: There are many college students who use caffeine because they have a lot of work to do and they need something to keep them awake, so they choose coffee to solve that problem.

Caffeine can make a person addicted to it and will make your body dependent on it.

*** The beginning of this sentence can be written in a more active voice — instead of “Caffeine can make a person addicted to it” you can write “A person can become addicted to caffeine.” Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “your” to “their.”

Edited sentence: A person can become addicted to caffeine and their body can become dependent on it.

Caffeine also interacts with neurotransmitters which is the same way other drugs do, and there is a woman who never drank caffeine and she never like it when she was in high school and learned about how caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.

*** This is a very long sentence that can be reduced in length. Since the first part of this sentence repeats the last part of this sentence, the first part can be removed. Additionally, this sentence can identify the “woman” so that the reader knows who is being discussed here. This sentence can start with “Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee…” The phrase “she never like it” should be written as “she never liked it” since she was in high school in the past.

Edited sentence: Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee and never liked it when she was in high school, learned that caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.

Additionally caffeine is bad for you and contains moderate dose which is 250mg, drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating a good amount is good for, better than caffeine .

*** Since the beginning of this paragraph states that caffeine is not good for people and the last sentence states that caffeine is bad for people, the phrase “Additionally caffeine is bad for you” at the beginning of this sentence is not needed. Remove “good for” since there is already “better.” Remove the extra space before the period.

Edited sentence: A moderate dose of caffeine is 250mg, but drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating well is better than caffeine.

This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.

*** Good.

*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Note where longer sentences can be shortened. Make sure that plural nouns are paired with plural verbs. For example, the phrase “There is a college student” contains a singular noun and a singular verb whereas the phrase “There are college students” contains a plural noun and a plural verb. Also pay attention to the tense in a sentence. If an event occurred in the past, such as a college student who attended high school in the past, the verbs should be in past tense. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Caffeine is not good for people — there are other drinks and junk food besides coffee that have caffeine in them such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea, and chocolate. Caffeine is a very common drug that people drink, which can make people feel pleasure and also make them feel alert. There are many college students who use caffeine because they have a lot of work to do and they need something to keep them awake, so they choose coffee to solve that problem. A person can become addicted to caffeine and their body can become dependent on it. Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee and never liked it when she was in high school, learned that caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do. A moderate dose of caffeine is 250mg, but drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating well is better than caffeine. This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.

Source: https://www.bgfalconmedia.com/campus/effects-of-caffeine-consumption-on-the-body/article_6f03a9f4-ed1c-11e8-a392-df53fdf29dba.html

Edited by Penny Yagake






Dark chocolate is good for your brain;it makes you happy and smarter.

Dark chocolate is good for you because it helps with heart attacks and stocks because it makes the bacteria turn into something that can help It the body. It also helps your blood to flow to the brain, it also helps fight free radical which causes wrinkles and more,free radical damages your body parts.Dark chocolate helps you when you need to focus in your work and helps with your memory, dark chocolate can also make you feel good too.Dark chocolate also helps with relieving stress ,so when you are stressed out about something you can eat Dark chocolate to relieve your stress.Dark chocolate can help fight food cravings, also helps you make good food choices that are healthy and helps you lose weight.Dark chocolate also helps to protect the brain because it has antioxidants,flavonoids, and has flavonoids and these things help with brain declines, stroke,dementia.Additionally,Dark chocolate can make you smarter and give you good gut bacteria.This is how Dark chocolate is good for you and helps out with your body than other candies do.


Dark chocolate is good for your brain;it makes you happy and smarter.

*** This title seems to be from this article: https://www.natural.news/2018-10-09-dark-chocolate-is-good-for-your-brain-makes-you-happy.html. If this is so, please rewrite the title.

Dark chocolate is good for you because it helps with heart attacks and stocks because it makes the bacteria turn into something that can help It the body.

*** These are two benefits that are separate from each other. I edited the sentence to reflect that. Remove the “It” at the end of the sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Change “stocks” to “strokes.”

Edited sentence: Dark chocolate is good for people because it helps prevent heart attacks and strokes and because it makes bacteria that can help the body.

It also helps your blood to flow to the brain, it also helps fight free radical which causes wrinkles and more,free radical damages your body parts.

*** Add an “s” at the end of “radical” since it should be plural. I removed some words to improve the flow of the sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” In this case, I just removed “you.”

Edited sentence: It also helps blood flow to the brain and fights free radicals which cause wrinkles and other damage to the body.

Dark chocolate helps you when you need to focus in your work and helps with your memory, dark chocolate can also make you feel good too.

*** Change “in” to “on.” I removed some words to improve the flow of the sentence.

Edited sentence: Dark chocolate helps people focus on their work, improves memory, and makes people feel good too.

Dark chocolate also helps with relieving stress ,so when you are stressed out about something you can eat Dark chocolate to relieve your stress.

*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Dark chocolate also helps relieve stress, so when people are stressed out, they can eat dark chocolate to relieve their stress.

Dark chocolate can help fight food cravings, also helps you make good food choices that are healthy and helps you lose weight.

*** Add “which” before “also.” Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Dark chocolate can fight food cravings, which also helps people make good food choices that are healthy and can help people lose weight.

Dark chocolate also helps to protect the brain because it has antioxidants,flavonoids, and has flavonoids and these things help with brain declines, stroke,dementia.

*** Remove “to.” This sentence repeats “flavonoids” but one instance should be replaced with “flavanols.” Avoid using the word “things” if you can name the thing or describe it. In this case, I replaced it with “which.” Make sure there is a space after each comma, but not before commas.

Edited sentence: Dark chocolate also helps protect the brain because it has antioxidants, flavonoids, and flavanols which help reduce the risks of brain decline, stroke, and dementia.

Additionally,Dark chocolate can make you smarter and give you good gut bacteria.

*** Add a space after the comma. “Dark chocolate” only needs to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Additionally, dark chocolate can make a person smarter and give them good gut bacteria.

This is how Dark chocolate is good for you and helps out with your body than other candies do.

*** Add “more” before “than.” “Dark chocolate” only needs to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: This is how dark chocolate is good for people and how it helps out the body more than other candies do.

*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Words such as “dark chocolate” only need to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Make sure that other words are spelled correctly — “stocks” is different from “strokes.” Reread sentences to see if they can be condensed more. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Remember the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Dark chocolate is good for people because it helps prevent heart attacks and strokes and because it makes bacteria that can help the body. It also helps blood flow to the brain and fights free radicals which cause wrinkles and other damage to the body. Dark chocolate helps people focus on their work, improves memory, and makes people feel good too. Dark chocolate also helps relieve stress, so when people are stressed out, they can eat dark chocolate to relieve their stress. Dark chocolate can fight food cravings, which also helps people make good food choices that are healthy and can help people lose weight. Dark chocolate also helps protect the brain because it has antioxidants, flavonoids, and flavanols which help reduce the risks of brain decline, stroke, and dementia. Additionally, dark chocolate can make a person smarter and give them good gut bacteria. This is how dark chocolate is good for people and how it helps out the body more than other candies do.

Source: https://www.natural.news/2018-10-09-dark-chocolate-is-good-for-your-brain-makes-you-happy.html

Edited by Penny Yagake






Fighting the flu

The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people.The flu can make someone feel chillies, feel tired or even get fever.The flu seasons are from October to March .If you don’t want to get the flu then you need to wash your hands with soup ,but the best way to get rid of the flu if you get it or before you get it is to get a flu shot.Additionally, about 6 million people got flu shots. Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect your nose, throat or even your lungs, that is why you need to get a flu shots before or while you have the flu.When people have the flu ,they also vomit, diarrhea, cough,headache, sore throat and more that can happen to children and adults. This is all that people will feel when they have the flu,what causes the flu, a way to get rid of it and if it is able to spread to other people.


Fighting the flu

*** Capitalize “flu.”

Edited title: Fighting the Flu

The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people.

*** Good.

The flu can make someone feel chillies, feel tired or even get fever.

*** Change “chillies” to “chills.” To make the sentence parallel, you can change “make” to “give” and remove “feel.”

Edited sentence: The flu can give someone chills, tiredness, or even a fever.

The flu seasons are from October to March .

*** This seems to be discussing one season, so remove the “s” at the end of “seasons” and change “are” to “is.” Remove the extra space before the period.

Edited sentence: The flu season is from October to March.

If you don’t want to get the flu then you need to wash your hands with soup ,but the best way to get rid of the flu if you get it or before you get it is to get a flu shot.

*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to “people” or “they.” Change “soup” to “soap.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, not before a comma.

Edited sentence: If people don’t want to get the flu then they need to wash their hands with soap, but the best way to get rid of the flu, before or after catching it, is to get a flu shot.

Additionally, about 6 million people got flu shots.

*** Google results seem to say that 6 million people caught the flu, not that they got flu shots. Include the source so that this information can be checked.

Edited sentence: Additionally, about 6 million people caught the flu in 2019.

Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect your nose, throat or even your lungs, that is why you need to get a flu shots before or while you have the flu.

*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to “people” or “they.” Change “that” to “which.” Remove the “s” at the end of “shots” since it is singular.

Edited sentence: Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect a person’s nose, throat, or even their lungs, which is why they need to get a flu shot before or while they have the flu.

When people have the flu ,they also vomit, diarrhea, cough,headache, sore throat and more that can happen to children and adults.

*** To give the sentence better flow, I added “they can have symptoms including…”

Edited sentence: When people have the flu, they can have symptoms including vomiting, coughing, diarrhea, headache, sore throat, and more that can happen to children and adults.

This is all that people will feel when they have the flu,what causes the flu, a way to get rid of it and if it is able to spread to other people.

*** Change “all that” to “what.” Make sure there is a space after a comma not before a comma.

Edited sentence: This is what people will feel when they have the flu, what causes the flu, how to get rid of it, and if it is able to spread to other people.

*** Include the source. Remember to add a space between each sentence. Make sure the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only. Reread sentences to check that words are spelled correctly — “soup” is different from “soap.” Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Fighting the Flu

The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people. The flu can give someone chills, tiredness, or even a fever. The flu season is from October to March. If people don’t want to get the flu then they need to wash their hands with soap, but the best way to get rid of the flu, before or after catching it, is to get a flu shot. Additionally, about 6 million people caught the flu in 2019. Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect a person’s nose, throat, or even their lungs, which is why they need to get a flu shot before or while they have the flu. When people have the flu, they can have symptoms including vomiting, coughing, diarrhea, headache, sore throat, and more that can happen to children and adults. This is what people will feel when they have the flu, what causes the flu, how to get rid of it, and if it is able to spread to other people.

Edited by Penny Yagake






 Technological is helping, there are many technological advances that can help the humans life easier : stove, light,cars,trucks ,phones ,etc.These things can help make human life easier,People use phones to communicate with friends or families that are far away than just buying a plane ticket and going there to just talk to them and come right back.That is what I mean when I said that they can make our lives easier then hard. Technological advances helped our society overall is because it makes our lives more easier to communicate , travel to one place to the other ,etc. “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”This means how these technological advancements help repercussion our society.This is how these technological advancements help our society. Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have ,we are lucky that we have these technological advancements that can make our lives more easier then complex. “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives” this piece of detail shows how  technological advancements help our lives not to be complex and more easier  and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with in time. Technological advancements is what we always depend on the most in life because it helps us stay warm,cold , gives us information,lets us communicate , travel,etc.For example,[If someone is in a place where there are a lot of snow and it is cold , then they can use the heater in their house to keep them warm, or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner in their house to keep them cool.]This shows how technological advancements helps us, technological advancements can also help us from getting sick cause if you think about , when it is cold you will get sick so you can use the heater to keep you out from the cold. This is how our technological advancements can help us in many different ways and how they can make our lives easier.Also how it can help prevent us from getting sick in the winter.As humans beings advance,so does technology.This adrancement comes with different implications for society.This is how technological advancements can help the society.,m


Technological is helping, there are many technological advances that can help the humans life easier : stove, light,cars,trucks ,phones ,etc.

*** Rewrite the first “technological” as “technology.” The first part of the sentence can be made into a title. So the first sentence would start with “There are many…” Remove “the” after “help” to “make.” Change “life” to “live.” Add a space after each comma. There should be no space before the comma. Since most of the items in the list are plural, “stove” and “light” should also be plural.

Edited title: Technology is Helping

Edited sentence: There are many technological advances that can help humans live easier: stoves, lights, cars, trucks, phones, etc.

These things can help make human life easier,

*** Avoid using the word “things” if you can name the things instead. Combine the above sentence with the next sentence.

People use phones to communicate with friends or families that are far away than just buying a plane ticket and going there to just talk to them and come right back.

*** Change “families” to “family members.” Change “than just” to “instead of.” Change “there” to “to them.”

Edited sentence: These technologies can help make human life easier because people can use phones to communicate with friends or family members that are far away, instead of buying a plane ticket and going to them just to talk to them and come right back.

That is what I mean when I said that they can make our lives easier then hard.

*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “I.”

Edited sentence: This is one way they can make peoples’ lives easier.

Technological advances helped our society overall is because it makes our lives more easier to communicate , travel to one place to the other ,etc.

*** Since technological advances help society in the present, “helped” should be written in the present tense, “help.” Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our.” Remove the “is” after “overall.” Multiple technological advances are discussed here, so change “it” to “they” and remove the “s” at the end of “makes.” Note where the sentence can be shortened.

Edited sentence: Technological advances help society overall because they make communication and travel easier.

“Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”

*** Start this sentence with “According to KnowledgeHut.” This quote seems to be from: https://www.knowledgehut.com/blog/information-technology/evolution-of-technology-its-important-to-life.

Edited sentence: According to KnowledgeHut, “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”

This means how these technological advancements help repercussion our society.This is how these technological advancements help our society.

*** The above two sentences have the same meaning. Remove the first sentence. This also helps the article fit into the six sentence structure. Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our.”

Edited sentence: This is how these technological advancements help society.

Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have ,we are lucky that we have these technological advancements that can make our lives more easier then complex.

*** Add “and” after the comma. Avoid first person point of view - do not use “we.” Note where words have been removed/changed.

Edited sentence: Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have, and which people today are lucky to have since these technological advancements make their lives easier.

“The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives”

*** Start this sentence with “According to Colette Parker’s article.” This quote seems to be from: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/advancement-new-technology-positive-negative-colette-parker/.

Edited sentence: According to Colette Parker’s article, “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives.”

this piece of detail shows how technological advancements help our lives not to be complex and more easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with in time.

*** Remove “piece of.” Remove the extra space between “how” and “technological” and between “easire” and “and how.” Remove “in.”

Edited sentence: This detail shows how technological advancements help make peoples’ lives easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with time.

Technological advancements is what we always depend on the most in life because it helps us stay warm,cold , gives us information,lets us communicate , travel,etc.

*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “we” or “us.” Start this sentence with “People always depend on technological advancements the most in life…” Because “technological advancements” is plural, change “it” to “they.” Note where changes have been suggested.

Edited sentence: People always depend on technological advancements the most in life because they help people stay warm or cold, give information, and allow for communication and travel.

For example,[If someone is in a place where there are a lot of snow and it is cold , then they can use the heater in their house to keep them warm, or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner in their house to keep them cool.]

*** Remove the brackets. Or is this a quote?

Edited sentence: For example, if someone is in a cold place where there is a lot of snow, then they can use the heater in their house to keep warm; or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner to keep cool.

This shows how technological advancements helps us, technological advancements can also help us from getting sick cause if you think about , when it is cold you will get sick so you can use the heater to keep you out from the cold.

*** Split this sentence into two sentences. Write out words like “because.” Remove the “s” at the end of “helps.” Avoid first person point of view - do not use “us.” Also avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: This shows how technological advancements help people. Technological advancements can also prevent people from getting sick because when it is cold, people will get sick, so they can use the heater to keep out the cold.

This is how our technological advancements can help us in many different ways and how they can make our lives easier.

*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our” or “us.” Use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier.

Also how it can help prevent us from getting sick in the winter.

*** Combine this sentence with the previous sentence.

Edited sentence: This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier and preventing them from getting sick.

As humans beings advance,so does technology.

*** Remove the “s” at the end of “humans.” Add a space after the comma.

Edited sentence: As human beings advance, so does technology.

This adrancement comes with different implications for society.This is how technological advancements can help the society.,m

*** Combine the above two sentences. Remove the “,m” at the end. Spell “adrancement” as “advancement.”

Edited sentence: These advancements come with different implications for society, helping society.

*** Create a title and include the source. Make sure there is a space between sentences. This article summary is way over the six sentence structure. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited paragraph:

Technology is Helping

There are many technological advances that can help humans live easier: stoves, lights, cars, trucks, phones, etc. These technologies can help make human life easier because people can use phones to communicate with friends or family members that are far away, instead of buying a plane ticket and going to them just to talk to them and come right back. This is one way they can make peoples’ lives easier. Technological advances help society overall because they make communication and travel easier. According to KnowledgeHut, “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.” This is how these technological advancements help society. Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have, and which people today are lucky to have since these technological advancements make their lives easier. According to Colette Parker’s article, “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives.” This detail shows how technological advancements help make peoples’ lives easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with time. People always depend on technological advancements the most in life because they help people stay warm or cold, give information, and allow for communication and travel. For example, if someone is in a cold place where there is a lot of snow, then they can use the heater in their house to keep warm; or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner to keep cool. This shows how technological advancements help people. Technological advancements can also prevent people from getting sick because when it is cold, people will get sick, so they can use the heater to keep out the cold. This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier and preventing them from getting sick. As human beings advance, so does technology. These advancements come with different implications for society, helping society.

Source: https://www.knowledgehut.com/blog/information-technology/evolution-of-technology-its-important-to-life and https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/advancement-new-technology-positive-negative-colette-parker/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Yes, you really can work yourself to death

  A regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some people say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get energy.54 percent of workers  spend half of their vacation at work.Overworking can lead to sleeplessness, and stress, “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress—all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties—are partly to blame.”This detail shows what overworking does to people and who it is partly to blame.For example [If you work for 47 hours every day and you barely get to sleep, then you are making the wrong choice to stay up for 47 hours each day because it can make you stressed a lot and make you feel sleepy at work every day and you can kill yourself for doing that.] “ that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.” This detail shows how a lot of people died because of them over working almost everyday.That is why you shouldn’t over work all the time or else you can die from that. 


Yes, you really can work yourself to death

*** This title appears to be the same as the title of this article: https://www.popsci.com/work-death/. Please rewrite the title.

A regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some people say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get energy.

*** Change “A” to “While.” Change “people” to “executives” to be more specific. Add “enough” before “energy.”

Edited sentence: While regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some executives say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get enough energy.

54 percent of workers spend half of their vacation at work.

*** If a sentence begins with a number, spell out the number. Remove the extra space after “workers.” Add “days” after “vacation.”

Edited sentence: Fifty-four percent of workers spend half of their vacation days at work.

Overworking can lead to sleeplessness, and stress, “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress—all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties—are partly to blame.”

*** Remove the comma after the first “sleeplessness.” Add “as” after the first “stress.”

Edited sentence: Overworking can lead to sleeplessness and stress, as “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress - all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties - are partly to blame.”

This detail shows what overworking does to people and who it is partly to blame.

*** Since the previous quote does not blame a particular person, the word “who” is not the most effective word to use here. Replace “who it is partly to blame” with “explains what causes overworking.”

Edited sentence: This detail shows what overworking does to people and explains what causes overworking.

For example [If you work for 47 hours every day and you barely get to sleep, then you are making the wrong choice to stay up for 47 hours each day because it can make you stressed a lot and make you feel sleepy at work every day and you can kill yourself for doing that.] “ that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.”

*** There are 24 hours in a day, so it is not possible for a person to work for 47 hours per day. The article states that employees tend to work for 47 hours per “week.” Make the bracketed sentence its own sentence. Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Write in third person point of view only. Replace “you” with pronouns like “people” or “they.”

Edited sentence: If a person works for 47 hours every week and barely gets any sleep, then they are making the wrong choice because it can make them stressed and sleepy at work, and it can end up killing them. For example, the article states “that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.”

This detail shows how a lot of people died because of them over working almost everyday.

*** Remove “how.” Replace “of them” with “they were.” Remove the space between “over” and “working.” Write “everyday” as two words - “every day.”

Edited sentence: This detail shows a lot of people died because they were overworking almost every day.

That is why you shouldn’t over work all the time or else you can die from that.

*** Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Replace “you” with “people.” Write “over work” as one word - “overwork.”

Edited sentence: This is why people shouldn’t overwork all the time or else they can die from doing that.

*** Include the source and rewrite the title. Make sure there is a space between sentences. Note which words should be written as one word and other words that should be written as two words. Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Use third person point of view pronouns only, such as “people” or “they.” Make sure that the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

While regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some executives say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get enough energy. Fifty-four percent of workers spend half of their vacation days at work. Overworking can lead to sleeplessness and stress, as “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress - all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties - are partly to blame.” This detail shows what overworking does to people and explains what causes overworking. If a person works for 47 hours every week and barely gets any sleep, then they are making the wrong choice because it can make them stressed and sleepy at work, and it can end up killing them. For example, the article states “that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.” This detail shows a lot of people died because they were overworking almost every day. This is why people shouldn’t overwork all the time or else they can die from doing that.

Source: https://www.popsci.com/work-death/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Bird poop helps keep coral reefs healthy, but rats are messing that up.

    Bird poop help the ocean, corals, and fish ther cause their poop has nutrients.And that nutrients help the population of the fishes and corals there.But there are rats that destroys it, rats decreases the population of the fish and coral reefs. “ the bird poop ,which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.” This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it. “ Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.” This detail shows how rats doesn't help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.This is all about how bird poop are helpful to the ocean unlike rats.


Bird poop helps keep coral reefs healthy, but rats are messing that up.

*** This title seems to be from this article: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/bird-poop-helps-keep-coral-reefs-healthy-rats-are-messing. Please rewrite the title of the article summary.

Bird poop help the ocean, corals, and fish ther cause their poop has nutrients.

*** Add an “s” at the end of “help.” Remove “ther.” Spell out “because” fully. Change “their” to “the.”

Edited sentence: Bird poop helps the ocean, corals, and fish because the poop has nutrients.

And that nutrients help the population of the fishes and corals there.

*** Change “that” to “those.”

Edited sentence: And those nutrients help the population of fishes and corals there.

But there are rats that destroys it, rats decreases the population of the fish and coral reefs.

*** What is “it”? Replace “destroys it, rats decreases” with “are decreasing.”

Edited sentence: But there are rats that are decreasing the population of the fish and coral reefs.

“ the bird poop ,which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.”

*** This sentence is incomplete because it is missing a verb. How does the bird poop end up in the ocean? To fix this, you can include more of the quote, which seems to be from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. There should be a space after the first comma, not before the first comma. This sentence and the next sentence would fit well following the second sentence since they are discussing the same idea.

Edited sentence: According to the source, “the ocean sweeps the bird poop, which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.”

This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it.

*** Good.

“ Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.”

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.”

This detail shows how rats doesn't help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.

*** Change “doesn’t” to “don’t.”

Edited sentence: This detail shows how rats don’t help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.

This is all about how bird poop are helpful to the ocean unlike rats.

*** “bird poop” is a singular noun so it should be followed by a singular verb. Change “are” to “is.”

Edited sentence: This is all about how bird poop is helpful to the ocean unlike rats.

*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Note that singular nouns should be followed by singular verbs and plural nouns should be followed by plural verbs. For example, a sentence with a singular noun and a singular verb would be written as “the rat is not helpful.” A sentence with a plural noun and a plural verb would be written as “the rats are not helpful.” Spell out words like “because” fully. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Bird poop helps the ocean, corals, and fish because the poop has nutrients. And those nutrients help the population of fishes and corals there. According to the source, “the ocean sweeps the bird poop, which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.” This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it. But there are rats that are decreasing the population of the fish and coral reefs. “Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.” This detail shows how rats don’t help the coral reef and the fish population to grow. This is all about how bird poop is helpful to the ocean unlike rats.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Why Costa monkeys are turning yellow.

  They are actually the color black but the monkeys don’t change unless humans are involved. “But monkeys cannot until humans are involved.”This shows how monkeys cannot change unless there is humans involved.Also they get their color from the pigment from yellow things that surrounds them such as pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes  with the hair’s pigment that changes the color of the animals even monkeys.Additionally, the monkeys in Costa is changing their colors to yellow is because farmers their uses a lot  of these pesticides which makes their color to change faster to yellow.This is why they are all turning yellow so fast and what caused it to happen.


Why Costa monkeys are turning yellow.

*** Is “Costa” supposed to be written as “Costa Rican”? Include the source so that this information can be checked. Additionally, capitalize “monkey,” “turning,” and “yellow.” Generally, all words should be capitalized in a title except for particles like “are.” Titles do not need periods.

Edited title: Why Costa Rican Monkeys are Turning Yellow

They are actually the color black but the monkeys don’t change unless humans are involved.

*** Change “They” to “These Costa Rican monkeys.” Remove “the color.” Add “color” after “change.”

Edited sentence: These Costa Rican monkeys are actually black but the monkeys don’t change color unless humans are involved.

“But monkeys cannot until humans are involved.”

*** This sentence is incomplete. Is this quote from this article? https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/11/why-are-these-costa-rican-monkeys-turning-yellow. If so, the quote must be written exactly as it is in the article — do not change words or remove punctuation from a quote.

Edited sentence: Other animals, like squids, can change color, “but monkeys cannot — until humans get involved.”

This shows how monkeys cannot change unless there is humans involved.

*** “humans” is a plural noun and should be paired with a plural verb, so “is” should be changed to “are.” Add “color” after “change.”

Edited sentence: This shows how monkeys cannot change color unless there are humans involved.

Also they get their color from the pigment from yellow things that surrounds them such as pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment that changes the color of the animals even monkeys.

*** The color change is not from the pigment, but from the sulfur in the pesticides. I edited this sentence to reflect that. “animals” does not need to be mentioned because this article is only discussing the monkeys.

Edited sentence: Also they get their yellow color from the sulfur in the surrounding pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment and changes the color of the monkeys.

Additionally, the monkeys in Costa is changing their colors to yellow is because farmers their uses a lot of these pesticides which makes their color to change faster to yellow.

*** “monkeys” is a plural noun and should be followed by a plural verb. Therefore, change “is” to “are.” You can change “their colors” to “from black” because this description is more specific. Remove “is” before “because” and remove “their” after “farmers.” Because “farmers” is a plural noun, remove the “s” at the end of “uses.” Remove the “s” at the end of “makes.” Remove “to” before “change.”

Edited sentence: Additionally, the monkeys in Costa Rica are changing from black to yellow because farmers use a lot of these pesticides which make their color change to yellow faster.

This is why they are all turning yellow so fast and what caused it to happen.

*** The phrase “and what caused it to happen” has the same meaning as the first part of the sentence, so it is not needed.

Edited sentence: This is why they are all turning yellow so fast.

*** Include the source. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure that plural nouns are followed by plural verbs. For example, a sentence with a singular noun and a singular verb would be written as “the monkey is changing.” But a sentence with a plural noun and a plural verb would be written as “the monkeys are changing.” Additionally, make sure that the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source.

Fully edited article:

Why Costa Rican Monkeys are Turning Yellow

These Costa Rican monkeys are actually black but the monkeys don’t change color unless humans are involved. Other animals, like squids, can change color, “but monkeys cannot — until humans get involved.” This shows how monkeys cannot change color unless there are humans involved. Also they get their yellow color from the sulfur in the surrounding pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment and changes the color of the monkeys. Additionally, the monkeys in Costa Rica are changing from black to yellow because farmers use a lot of these pesticides which make their color change to yellow faster. This is why they are all turning yellow so fast.

Source: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/11/why-are-these-costa-rican-monkeys-turning-yellow

Edited by Penny Yagake






Prairie Dogs Are Serial Killers That Murder Their Competition

 In the west of America there were blood spills by a white prairie dogs.There were a lot of ground squirrels that are dead and there was bite marks on them.This was the first time they saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it. “It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.” This shows how white prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.This is what Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” this shows how we humans live like prairie dogs. “ The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.” This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.


Prairie Dogs Are Serial Killers That Murder Their Competition

*** This title looks like the one in this article: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2016/03/160322-prairie-dogs-squirrels-murders-animals-killers/. Please rewrite the title of this article summary.

In the west of America there were blood spills by a white prairie dogs.

*** Change “there were blood spills” to “blood has been spilled.” Remove “a.” According to the article, they are “white-tailed prairie dogs.”

Edited sentence: In the west of America blood has been spilled by white-tailed prairie dogs.

There were a lot of ground squirrels that are dead and there was bite marks on them.

*** Since this sentence starts with a verb in past tense, the other verbs should also be past tense. Change “are” to “were.” Change “was” to “were.”

Edited sentence: There were a lot of ground squirrels that were dead and there were bite marks on them.

This was the first time they saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it.

*** Who is “they”?

Edited sentence: This was the first time researchers saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it.

“It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.”

*** Good.

This shows how white prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.

*** Change “white prairie dogs” to “white-tailed prairie dogs.”

Edited sentence: This shows how white-tailed prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.

This is what Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” this shows how we humans live like prairie dogs.

*** Remove “This is what.” Change “this shows” to “which shows.” Avoid first person point of view — remove “we.” Use third person point of view only.

Edited sentence: Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” which shows how humans live like prairie dogs.

“ The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.”

*** Good, but remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.

This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.

*** Good.

*** Include the source. You must create your own title — do not copy from the source. Use third person point of view only for these article summaries. Make sure to include important details — a “white-tailed prairie dog” is more specific than a “white prairie dog.” When using the word “they,” make sure that “they” has already been identified.

Fully edited article:

In the west of America blood has been spilled by white-tailed prairie dogs. There were a lot of ground squirrels that were dead and there were bite marks on them. This was the first time researchers saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it. “It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.” This shows how white-tailed prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them. Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” which shows how humans live like prairie dogs. “The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.” This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.

Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2016/03/160322-prairie-dogs-squirrels-murders-animals-killers/

Edited by Penny Yagake






Equal Spaces

Animals and humans need equal amount of space in this world but sadly there isn’t.Humans population are always increasing and we take up most of they spaces we can find,this doesn’t help the wildlife because we are taking too much of the space that we don’t even live room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife. “Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.” This shows how humans population growing fast can take up more space. “This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.” this shows how humans taking up too much space can be hard for wildlife to get their space, it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife. 


Equal Spaces

Animals and humans need equal amount of space in this world but sadly there isn’t.

*** Add an “s” at the end of “amount” since this sentence discusses the amount of space needed for both animals and humans. Add “enough space” after “isn’t.”

Edited sentence: Animals and humans need equal amounts of space in this world but sadly there isn’t enough space.

Humans population are always increasing and we take up most of they spaces we can find,this doesn’t help the wildlife because we are taking too much of the space that we don’t even live room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.

*** This sentence is pretty long, so split it into two sentences. Add “The” at the beginning of this sentence and remove the “s” at the end of “Humans.” Change “are” at the beginning of this sentence to “is” since one type of population is discussed. Avoid first person point of view — remove “we” and replace it with “people.” Use third person point of view only. Replace “live” with “leave.”

Edited sentence: The human population is always increasing and people are taking up most of the space that can be found. This doesn’t help the wildlife because people are taking up so much space that they don’t even leave room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.

“Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.”

*** Good.

This shows how humans population growing fast can take up more space.

*** Remove the “s” at the end of “humans.” Add “the” before “human.” Add “is” after “population” and add “and” after “fast.” Since this is currently happening, change “can take” to “is taking.”

Edited sentence: This shows how the human population is growing fast and is taking up more space.

“This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.”

*** Good.

this shows how humans taking up too much space can be hard for wildlife to get their space, it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.

*** Capitalize “this” at the beginning of this sentence. Change “be” to “make it.” Add “and” before “it.”

Edited sentence: This shows how humans taking up too much space can make it hard for wildlife to get their space, and it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.

*** Include the source. Avoid run-on sentences — see if longer sentences can be divided into shorter sentences. Make sure that singular subjects are followed by singular verbs, and plural subjects are followed by plural verbs.

Fully edited article:

Equal Spaces

Animals and humans need equal amounts of space in this world but sadly there isn’t enough space. The human population is always increasing and people are taking up most of the space that can be found. This doesn’t help the wildlife because people are taking up so much space that they don’t even leave room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife. “Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.” This shows how the human population is growing fast and is taking up more space. “This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.” This shows how humans taking up too much space can make it hard for wildlife to get their space, and it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Can Humans Die from Apple Seeds?

Apple seed are bad for humans cause it has poison and amygdalin that is bad for the body of the humans.An average adult can eat up to 150 apple seeds ,there are many ways to eat an apple seeds without getting poisoned."Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin."This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans." 1) The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical. 2) The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful."This shows the steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned."The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)."This shows the amount os apple seeds a normal human can eat.


Can Humans Die from Apple Seeds?

*** This title is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Please rewrite the title.

Apple seed are bad for humans cause it has poison and amygdalin that is bad for the body of the humans.

*** Add an “s” at the end of “seed” since there is more than one seed. Spell out “because” fully. Change “it has” to “they have.” Since amygdalin is the poison in the seed, change “and” to “called.” You can shorten “the body of the humans” to “the human body.”

Edited sentence: Apple seeds are bad for humans because they have a poison called amygdalin that is bad for the human body.

An average adult can eat up to 150 apple seeds ,there are many ways to eat an apple seeds without getting poisoned.

*** Add a space after this sentence. Additionally, an adult can but should not eat “up to 150 apple seeds” because that is the amount that could poison them. Therefore, an adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds. There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. I added “but” after the comma to connect the two parts of the sentence more.

Edited sentence: An average adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds before getting poisoned, but there are many ways to eat an apple without getting poisoned.

"Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin."

*** This is from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. Include the source in your article summary.

This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans.

*** Good.

" 1) The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical. 2) The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful."

*** This is also from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. The numbers suggest that there is a list here, but there is no mention of a list in this summary because this is a fragment of the original sentence. I added “According to the source” at the beginning of this sentence to help incorporate the quote better.

Edited sentence: According to the source, “The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical” and “The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful.”

This shows the steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned.

*** According to the source, these are not “steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned.” They are not meant to instruct the reader. These are “requirements” that need to be met before a person is at risk of being poisoned. I edited this sentence to reflect that.

Edited sentence: This shows how people can eat a few apple seeds without getting poisoned.

"The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)."

*** Explain why.

Edited sentence: “The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)” before they have a chance of being poisoned.

This shows the amount os apple seeds a normal human can eat.

*** Change “os” to “of.”

Edited sentence: This shows the amount of apple seeds a normal human can eat.

*** Rewrite the title and include the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences. Spell out words like “because” fully. Make sure that plural nouns are used consistently. Check to make sure the information in your article summary is correct according to the source. If you are going to include steps or a numbered list, you need to have a sentence explaining what that list is for. Watch out for misspelled words.

Fully edited article:

Apple seeds are bad for humans because they have a poison called amygdalin that is bad for the human body. An average adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds before getting poisoned, but there are many ways to eat an apple without getting poisoned. "Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin." This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans. According to the source, “The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical” and “The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful.” This shows how people can eat a few apple seeds without getting poisoned. “The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)” before they have a chance of being poisoned. This shows the amount of apple seeds a normal human can eat.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction

Bengal Tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt it down.These tigers are a threat to the village people, so they kill these animals so that they are safe form the animal.  " Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down." This shows how they are are endangered because of people killing them." Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety."This shows how the animals are a threat to the people ,so that is why they kill them, they kill them for their safety.Bengal Tigers are also hunted for their bone," At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine."This shows how they are not only hunted so they don't harm other people, and what they use their bone .This is all about the Bengal Tigers. 


Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction

Bengal Tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt it down.

*** “Tigers” does not need to be capitalized. Replace “it” with “them” since there is more than one tiger. Add a space after this sentence.

Edited sentence: Bengal tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt them down.

These tigers are a threat to the village people, so they kill these animals so that they are safe form the animal.

*** Which village is discussed here? “form” should be spelled as “from.” Add an “s” after “animal” since there is more than one tiger. Replace the first “they” with “the people” to make the sentence clearer. Replace the second “are” with “will be.” Remove the extra space after this sentence.

Edited sentence: These tigers are a threat to the village people, so the people kill these animals so that they will be safe from the animals.

" Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down."

*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down.”

This shows how they are are endangered because of people killing them.

*** Replace “they” with “the tigers” to make the sentence clearer. Remove the “are” before endangered. Remove “of” and add “are” after “people.”

Edited sentence: This shows how the tigers are endangered because people are killing them.

" Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety."

*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark. However, there should be a space before the first quotation mark and there should be a space after the end quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety.”

This shows how the animals are a threat to the people ,so that is why they kill them, they kill them for their safety.

*** There should be a space after the first comma, not before the comma. “they kill them” does not have to be repeated. Replace “them” with “the tigers” to make the sentence clearer.

Edited sentence: This shows how the animals are a threat to the people, so that is why they kill the tigers for their safety.

Bengal Tigers are also hunted for their bone," At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine."

*** There should be a space before the first quotation mark, not after the quotation mark. Add a space after the end quotation mark. To connect the first part of the sentence with the quote, you can add “as the article states,” before the quote.

Edited sentence: Bengal tigers are also hunted for their bone, as the article states, “At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine.”

This shows how they are not only hunted so they don't harm other people, and what they use their bone .

*** Add “that” after “so.” Try using the “not only… but also” sentence structure here, as shown in the edited sentence. Add an “s” after “bone” since there is more than one bone. Remove the space after "bone."

Edited sentence: This shows how they are not only hunted so that they don’t harm other people, but also so that people can use their bones.

This is all about the Bengal Tigers.

*** “Tigers” does not need to be capitalized.

Edited sentence: This is all about the Bengal tigers.

*** Include the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences. Check the spacing in these sentences. There should be a space before the first quotation mark, but there should not be a space after the first quotation mark. There should also be a space after the end quotation mark at the end of a sentence. Make sure that plural nouns are used consistently. Watch out for repeated words and spelling errors.

Fully edited article:

Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction

Bengal tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt them down. These tigers are a threat to the village people, so the people kill these animals so that they will be safe from the animals. “Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down.” This shows how the tigers are endangered because people are killing them. “Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety.” This shows how the animals are a threat to the people, so that is why they kill the tigers for their safety. Bengal tigers are also hunted for their bone, as the article states, “At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine.” This shows how they are not only hunted so that they don’t harm other people, but also so that people can use their bones. This is all about the Bengal tigers.

Edited by Penny Yagake






The Coldest Known Place in the World

 The researchers scientists found the coldest place on earth, it is -144 F there in  Antartica, but the temperature may decrease because of globe warming."The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming."This shows how the temperature is very high which makes it the coldest place on earth, but it will decrease cause of global warming.Some say that it was so cold that it is like another planet." this location was so cold it was "almost like another planet." This what other people said and also shows how cold the place is.The Researchers were was curious about how low the temperature can go."They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF."This shows how the Researchers was curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go up to -144 F.This is all about the coldest place found in the world.


The Coldest Known Place in the World

*** This title is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Please change it.

The researchers scientists found the coldest place on earth, it is -144 F there in Antartica, but the temperature may decrease because of globe warming.

*** Remove “The” at the beginning of this sentence. You do not need both “researchers” and “scientists,” so use just one of the two words. Capitalize “earth” since it is the name of a planet. “Antartica” should be spelled as “Antarctica.” “globe warming” should be spelled as “global warming.” The quote in the next sentence states that the temperature may not decrease, so this sentence should reflect that.

Edited sentence: Researchers found the coldest place on Earth at minus 144°F in Antarctica, but the temperature may not decrease because of global warming.

"The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming."

*** Add a space after the end quotation mark. I cannot find this quote on the internet — where is the source?

This shows how the temperature is very high which makes it the coldest place on earth, but it will decrease cause of global warming.

*** The temperature is actually very low. Spell out “because.” The quote states that the temperature will not decrease. Capitalize “earth” since it is the name of a planet.

Edited sentence: This shows how the temperature is very low which makes it the coldest place on Earth, but it will not decrease because of global warming.

Some say that it was so cold that it is like another planet." this location was so cold it was "almost like another planet."

*** You can combine these two sentences, as shown in the edited sentence below. This sentence should be in present tense, so replace “was” with “is.” Try to identify who said this quote.

Edited sentence: Researchers say that this location is so cold it is “almost like another planet.”

This what other people said and also shows how cold the place is.

*** The first half of the sentence is not needed since the previous sentence states that a person said this quote.

Edited sentence: This shows how cold the place is.

The Researchers were was curious about how low the temperature can go.

*** Remove “was.” The word “Researchers” should not be capitalized.

Edited sentence: The researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go.

"They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF."

*** This sentence is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Is that article summary the source?

This shows how the Researchers was curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go up to -144 F.

*** The word “Researchers” should not be capitalized. The word “researchers” is a plural noun so it should be followed by a plural verb. Therefore, “was” should be written as “were.” The researchers were checking to see how much the temperature can go down, not up.

Edited sentence: This shows how the researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go down to minus 144ºF.

This is all about the coldest place found in the world.

*** Include the source so that the quotes can be checked. Rewrite the title. Capitalize proper nouns such as the name of a planet. Words such as “researchers” do not need to be capitalized. Words like “because” need to be spelled out. Make sure that the information in your article summary is correct according to the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Researchers found the coldest place on Earth at minus 144°F in Antarctica, but the temperature may not decrease because of global warming. "The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming." This shows how the temperature is very low which makes it the coldest place on Earth, but it will not decrease because of global warming. Researchers say that this location is so cold it is “almost like another planet.” This shows how cold the place is. The researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go. "They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF." This shows how the researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go down to minus 144ºF. This is all about the coldest place found in the world.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog

The animal is known to be the largest bee every recorded it was rediscovered in 

Indonesia.It looked like a black wasp with big jaws." The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it ,and what the animal looked like.This bee has two and a half inches for wingspan.After the scientists saw the bee they wished and wanted ,in the future to be able to protect these unique bees." scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens. There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee."This shows that the scientists wants the unique bees to be protected.This is all about the large bee.


Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog

The animal is known to be the largest bee every recorded it was rediscovered in Indonesia.

*** Change the first “The” to “This.” Remove the “y” in “every.” Move “rediscovered in Indonesia” after “This animal,” as shown in the edited sentence below.

Edited sentence: This animal rediscovered in Indonesia is known to be the largest bee ever recorded.

It looked like a black wasp with big jaws.

*** Good.

" The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."

*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark. Add a space after the end quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."

This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it ,and what the animal looked like.

*** There should be a space after the second comma, not before the second comma.

Edited sentence: This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it, and what the animal looked like.

This bee has two and a half inches for wingspan.

*** Change “for” to “of.”

Edited sentence: This bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches.

After the scientists saw the bee they wished and wanted ,in the future to be able to protect these unique bees.

*** Remove “wished” since this sentence does not need both “wished” and “wanted.” Move the space before the comma to after the comma. Move “in the future” to the end of the sentence.

Edited sentence: After the scientists saw the bee they wanted to be able to protect these unique bees for the future.

" scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens. There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee."

*** The first sentence is incomplete. I think only the second sentence is needed here.

Edited sentence: “There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.”

This shows that the scientists wants the unique bees to be protected.

*** Since the word “scientists” is plural, it should be followed by a plural form of the verb. Therefore, remove the “s” in “wants.”

Edited sentence: This shows that the scientists want the unique bees to be protected.

This is all about the large bee.

*** Since this article summary is over six sentences, you could remove this last sentence.

*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space after each period, otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and ends. However, there should not be a space after the first quotation mark. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog

This animal rediscovered in Indonesia is known to be the largest bee ever recorded. It looked like a black wasp with big jaws. “The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws." This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it, and what the animal looked like. This bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches. After the scientists saw the bee they wanted to be able to protect these unique bees for the future. “There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.” This shows that the scientists want the unique bees to be protected.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!

This robot is a hero for all humans cause it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt."Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below."This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass. The good thing about having this robot is that it works faster and safer."The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside."This shows how the robot can be useful to us and how they work for 80 hours and fast, it also shows how they work safely.This is all about the robot named Ozmo.


Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!

This robot is a hero for all humans cause it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt.

*** Write out “because” fully. Is this sentence discussing broken glass or glass windows?

Edited sentence: This robot is a hero for all humans because it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt.

"Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below."

*** Good, but you could also state who is saying this quote.

This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass.

*** Good.

The good thing about having this robot is that it works faster and safer.

*** Avoid using the word “thing.” Instead, state what the thing is or describe it.

Edited sentence: The good part about having this robot is that it works faster and safer.

"The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside."

*** Good.

This shows how the robot can be useful to us and how they work for 80 hours and fast, it also shows how they work safely.

*** Avoid first person point of view. Remove “to us.” Use third person point of view only. I removed some of the words so that the sentence would not be a run-on sentence.

Edited sentence: This shows how the robot can be useful and how they work fast and safe for 80 hours.

This is all about the robot named Ozmo.

*** Good.

*** Please include the source. Avoid first person point of view (do not use words such as I, my, we, our, us). Use third person point of view only for these article summaries. Additionally avoid using the word “thing,” and state what the thing is or describe it. Words like “because” should be written out fully. Try to state who is saying the quotes. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!

This robot is a hero for all humans because it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt. "Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below." This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass. The good part about having this robot is that it works faster and safer. "The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside.” This shows how the robot can be useful and how they work fast and safe for 80 hours. This is all about the robot named Ozmo.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Privacy on the Internet

When we use the internet, we need to keep our personal thing to ourselves.And when we approve the the apps company ,they will know all of our information cause of our filters."For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.'This shows how face apps can give out a lot of our private information to them.Not only can face apps can get your info, but also camera apps."Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company."This shows how these are bad if they know all of your personal information and how it is dangerous that the company knows and can seal of your information ,even the personal ones.This is all about privacy on the internet.


Privacy on the Internet

When we use the internet, we need to keep our personal thing to ourselves.

*** Avoid first person point of view. Remove “we,” “our,” and “ourselves.” Use third person point of view instead, and replace these pronouns with others such as “people,” “a person,” or “their.” Also avoid using the word “thing.” Instead, tell the reader what the thing is or describe the thing.

Edited sentence: When people use the internet, they need to keep their personal information to themselves.

And when we approve the the apps company ,they will know all of our information cause of our filters.

*** Remove the second “the.” Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “apps.” There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. Again, avoid first person point of view and use third person point of view only. Write out “because” fully.

Edited sentence: And when people approve an app’s company, the company will know all of their information because of their filters.

"For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.'

*** There should be a double quotation mark (“) at the end of this quote.

Edited sentence: “For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.”

This shows how face apps can give out a lot of our private information to them.

*** Again, avoid first person point of view. Use only third person point of view. Replace “our” with “people’s.”

Edited sentence: This shows how face apps can give out a lot of people’s private information to them.

Not only can face apps can get your info, but also camera apps.

*** Remove the second “can.” Avoid second person point of view — replace “your” with “people’s.” Write out “information” fully.

Edited sentence: Not only can face apps get people’s information, but also camera apps can get information.

"Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company."

*** Good.

This shows how these are bad if they know all of your personal information and how it is dangerous that the company knows and can seal of your information ,even the personal ones.

*** Again, avoid second person point of view — do not use “you” or “your.” “seal” should be spelled as “steal.” I moved some words around to improve the flow of the sentence. Since you already state “personal information” in the first half of the sentence, you do not need “even the personal ones” at the end of the sentence.

Edited sentence: This shows how bad it is if companies know all of a person’s private information and how dangerous it is if companies can steal all of their information.

This is all about privacy on the internet.

*** Good.

*** Please include the source. Make sure there is a space between sentences otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and ends. Avoid first person point of view (we, our) and second person point of view (you, your). Use only third person point of view. Certain words, such as “information” and “because,” should be written out fully. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Privacy on the Internet

When people use the internet, they need to keep their personal information to themselves. And when people approve an app’s company, the company will know all of their information because of their filters. “For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.” This shows how face apps can give out a lot of people’s private information to them. Not only can face apps get people’s information, but also camera apps can get information. "Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company." This shows how bad it is if companies know all of a person’s private information and how dangerous it is if companies can steal all of their information. This is all about privacy on the internet.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas

Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor.This is bad for dolphins and whales ,the other small animals are getting killed because of the gun."The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more."This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun." The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts."This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there.This is all about Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas.


Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas

*** Capitalize “find.”

Edited title: Air Guns to Find Oil and Gas in the Seas

Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor.

*** Good.

This is bad for dolphins and whales ,the other small animals are getting killed because of the gun.

*** There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. Remove “the” before “other.” After that, add “since” before “other.”

Edited sentence: This is bad for dolphins and whales, since other small animals are getting killed because of the gun.

"The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more."

*** Good, but you could also state who is saying this quote.

This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun.

*** Good.

" The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts."

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts.”

This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there.

Good.

This is all about Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas.

*** Add “how” after “about.” Remove “to.” You do not need to capitalize “Air Guns,” “Oil,” “Gas,” or “Seas” unless this is the title of the source article.

Edited sentence: This is all about how air guns find oil and gas in the seas.

*** Include the source. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence, otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and where a quote ends.

Fully edited article:

Air Guns to Find Oil and Gas in the Seas

Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor. This is bad for dolphins and whales, since other small animals are getting killed because of the gun. "The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more." This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun. “The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts.” This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there. This is all about how air guns find oil and gas in the seas.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution

 Corn is one of America's favorite crop, but is endangered because of pollution.America's corn are know to lead to thousands of deaths."America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution."This shows how our corns can lead to many people to dye in a year."Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes."This shows how corn is endangered because of pollution." Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland."This shows how corns are the crops that has been taken up to more than 90million racers of farmland.This is all about corns and pollution that effects it.


Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution

*** Good.

Corn is one of America's favorite crop, but is endangered because of pollution.

*** Make sure there is a space after the period at the end of each sentence. “crop” needs an “s” at the end because there is more than one crop. Add “it” before “is endangered.” “endangered” means that the corn is in danger, but that is not the intended meaning in the quotes. The quotes state that the corn is dangerous to people because it causes air pollution.

Edited sentence: Corn is one of America’s favorite crops, but it is dangerous because it causes air pollution.

America's corn are know to lead to thousands of deaths.

*** “are” should be replaced with “is” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “know” should be written as “known.”

Edited sentence: America’s corn is known to lead to thousands of deaths.

"America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution."

*** Good, but include the source so that these quotes can be checked.

This shows how our corns can lead to many people to dye in a year.

*** Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead. “corns” does not need an “s” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “dye” is not the right word to use here since “dye” refers to the coloring of fabric or other material. “dye” should be replaced with “dying.”

Edited sentence: This shows how America’s corn can lead to many people dying in a year.

"Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes."

*** Good, but include the source so that these quotes can be checked.

This shows how corn is endangered because of pollution.

*** Change “endangered” to “dangerous.”

Edited sentence: This shows how corn is dangerous because of pollution.

" Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland."

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland.”

This shows how corns are the crops that has been taken up to more than 90million racers of farmland.

*** “corns” and “crops” do not need an “s” at the end because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “been” and “to” are not needed. “racers” should be spelled as “acres.” Add a space after “90.”

Edited sentence: This shows how corn is the crop that has taken up more than 90 million acres of farmland.

This is all about corns and pollution that effects it.

*** “corns” does not need an “s” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. The quotes do not say that the corn is affected by pollution. The quotes say that corn causes the pollution.

Edited sentence: This is all about corn and the pollution it causes.

*** Please include the source so that the quotes can be checked. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead. Make sure that the information included in the summary is correct according to the source.

Fully edited article:

Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution

Corn is one of America’s favorite crops, but it is dangerous because it causes air pollution. America’s corn is known to lead to thousands of deaths. "America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution." This shows how America’s corn can lead to many people dying in a year. "Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes." This shows how corn is dangerous because of pollution. “Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland.” This shows how corn is the crop that has taken up more than 90 million acres of farmland. This is all about corn and the pollution it causes.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally

There are many thing in our lives that we need like technology, some technology are good and works well with no problem, but there are some technology that are not trust worthy ." Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.'This shows how there was a plane crash between two planes and how the plane craft was a fail.Even if they builded a new and better plane craft, the FAA grounded the 737 planes." Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being."This shows how the 737 plane is grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes, the FAA doesn't trust the 737 planes anymore.This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes.


Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally

*** Good.

There are many thing in our lives that we need like technology, some technology are good and works well with no problem, but there are some technology that are not trust worthy .

*** Avoid using the word “thing.” Tell the reader what it is. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead. Edited sentence: There are many tools in a person’s life that they need, like technology, but while some technologies are good and work well with no problem, other technologies are not as trustworthy.

" Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.'

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark. There needs to be a double quotation mark at the end of the quote (“) like the one at the beginning of the quote.

Edited sentence: “Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.”

This shows how there was a plane crash between two planes and how the plane craft was a fail.

*** “how” is not needed. “craft” is not needed. “fail” should be written as “failure.” “plane craft” should be written as “aircraft.” Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. There were two separate plane crashes, so this sentence should include that information.

Edited sentence: This shows there were two plane crashes between two planes and the aircraft was a failure.

Even if they builded a new and better plane craft, the FAA grounded the 737 planes.

*** Remove the “ed” in “builded.” Add “has” before “grounded.” Who is “they”?

Edited sentence: Even if a new and better aircraft is built, the FAA has grounded the 737 planes.

" Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being."

*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.

Edited sentence: “Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being.”

This shows how the 737 plane is grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes, the FAA doesn't trust the 737 planes anymore.

*** “how” is not needed. Add “and” before “the FAA.” “accident” should have an “s” at the end because there were two accidents. “737 plane” should also have an “s” at the end because there are multiple 737 planes.

Edited sentence: This shows the 737 planes are grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes, and the FAA doesn’t trust the 737 planes anymore.

This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes.

*** “accident” should have an “s” at the end because there were two accidents.

Edited sentence: This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes.

*** Please add the source so that the quotes can be checked. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure the space comes before the first quotation mark, not after the first quotation mark. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead.

Fully edited article:

Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally

There are many tools in a person’s life that they need, like technology, but while some technologies are good and work well with no problem, other technologies are not as trustworthy. “Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.” This shows there were two plane crashes between two planes and the aircraft was a failure. Even if a new and better aircraft is built, the FAA has grounded the 737 planes. “Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being.” This shows the 737 planes are grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes, and the FAA doesn’t trust the 737 planes anymore. This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Planet Shields in Outer Space.

Astronomers have found out that our planet is protected by Jupiter ,Jupiter helps protect us from the meteors from outer space,unlike other planets, they don't have a"sling shot" that can help protect our planet."Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth."This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth." So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can "slingshot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets."This shows how planet earth is different from other planets, earth has a"sling shot "that can protect the earth from getting destroyed.This is all about the earths shields in space.


Planet Shields in Outer Space.

*** Title does not need a period.

Edited title: Planet Shields in Outer Space

Astronomers have found out that our planet is protected by Jupiter ,Jupiter helps protect us from the meteors from outer space,unlike other planets, they don't have a"sling shot" that can help protect our planet.

*** Avoid first person point of view (“our”). Use third person point of view instead. Make sure there is a space after a comma, not before a comma. Make sure that quotes are written correctly.

Edited sentence: Astronomers have found out that Jupiter helps protect the Earth from meteors from outer space and unlike Jupiter, other planets don’t have a “slingshot” that can help protect the Earth.

"Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth."

*** Good, although it would be better to state who is saying this quote.

This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth.

*** Good.

"So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can "slingshot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets."

*** “slingshot” should have single quotation marks — ‘slingshot’ — if this is quoting a sentence from the source that contains another quote.

Edited sentence: “So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can ‘slingshot’ meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets.”

This shows how planet earth is different from other planets, earth has a"sling shot "that can protect the earth from getting destroyed.

*** Make sure the quote is written correctly and that the quotation marks are in the right place. “slingshot” should be spelled as one word.

Edited sentence: Earth is different from other planets because Earth has a “slingshot” that can protect the Earth from getting destroyed.

This is all about the earths shields in space.

*** “Earth” should be capitalized because this sentence is referring to the name of a planet. There should also be an ‘s after “Earth.”

Edited sentence: This article is all about the Earth’s shields in space.

*** Please put a space before the quotation mark at the beginning of a quote and after the quotation mark at the end of a quote. Otherwise, it is unclear where a quote starts and ends. Additionally, make sure that quotes are written correctly. Provide the source so that the quotes can be checked. Make sure that proper nouns (the name of a planet, for example) are capitalized.

Fully edited article:

Planet Shields in Outer Space

Astronomers have found out that Jupiter helps protect the Earth from meteors from outer space and unlike Jupiter, other planets don’t have a “slingshot” that can help protect the Earth. "Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth." This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth. “So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can ‘slingshot’ meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets.” Earth is different from other planets because Earth has a “slingshot” that can protect the Earth from getting destroyed. This article is all about the Earth’s shields in space.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Bathing and Sleep

If you take a bath and go to bed, you will sleep 10 times faster than you normally would  sleep.If you take a shower, your body temperature will cool down which helps you sleep faster.Bathing can help you body feel cool, so when you go to sleep ,your body will not be hot or cold.This helps you body feel comfortable which helps you sleep.This is all about bathing and sleeping.



Bathing and Sleep

If you take a bath and go to bed, you will sleep 10 times faster than you normally would sleep.

*** Avoid using the second person point of view (“you”). Use third person point of view instead. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Remove the extra space before “sleep” at the end of this sentence.

Edited sentence: If a person takes a bath and goes to bed, they will sleep 10 times faster than they normally would sleep.

If you take a shower, your body temperature will cool down which helps you sleep faster.

*** This is good, but again, avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead. Third person point of view does not use “you.” It is important to tell the reader when they should shower to go to sleep faster, so I added “before going to bed” at the beginning of this sentence.

Edited sentence: If a person takes a shower before going to bed, their body temperature will cool down which helps them sleep faster.

Bathing can help you body feel cool, so when you go to sleep ,your body will not be hot or cold.

*** Avoid using the second person point of view (“you”). Use third person point of view instead. There is an extra space before the second comma.

Edited sentence: Bathing can help the body feel cool, so when a person goes to sleep, their body will not be too hot or cold.

This helps you body feel comfortable which helps you sleep.

*** Avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: This helps the body feel comfortable which helps a person sleep.

This is all about bathing and sleeping.

*** This sentence is okay, but you could add more detail. For example, does this article recommend that people shower before they sleep?

*** Overall, avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead. Third person point of view does not use “you.” Remove any extra spaces in your sentences. Remember that the article summary should have six sentences.

Fully edited article:

Bathing and Sleep

If a person takes a bath and goes to bed, they will sleep 10 times faster than they normally would sleep. If a person takes a shower before going to bed, their body temperature will cool down which helps them sleep faster. Bathing can help the body feel cool, so when a person goes to sleep, their body will not be too hot or cold. This helps the body feel comfortable which helps a person sleep. This is all about bathing and sleeping.
Edited by Penny Yagake






Seabirds Next Meal

Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high  cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.

Seabirds Next Meal

      • “Seabirds” would be written as Seabirds’ if more than one bird is discussed here. Or Seabird’s if only one bird is discussed here. The apostrophe is needed to indicate that the meal belongs to the seabirds.

Edited title: Seabirds’ Next Meal

Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.

      • No space is needed between “sea” and “bird” because seabird is one word. Put a space after the comma, not before the comma. What is the “something”? I would split this sentence in two to help fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: There are a lot of plastics in the sea that seabirds eat. It can lead them to death because plastics have chemicals that can harm the seabirds.

And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.

      • The ‘s after “young” is not needed. I would split this sentence into three to help fit the six sentence structure. What is “it”?

Edited sentence: And at night, seabirds go hunting for food to feed their young. When plastic goes in the mouths of the young, it can cause high cholesterol levels. This is bad for the baby birds and the adult seabirds.

These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.

      • “effect” should be spelled as “affect.” “affect” is a verb while “effect” is usually a noun. “Kidney” should be plural. “increasing” would be a more accurate term to use than “spreading.”

Edited sentence: These plastics can affect their kidneys by increasing uric acid production.

      • Remember to follow the six sentence structure and provide the source. Make sure there is a space after commas, not before commas. When possible, use specific names of objects instead of words like “something” or “it.” More information could be added toward the end of this paragraph. How does an increase in uric acid affect the seabirds?


Fully edited article:

Seabirds’ Next Meal

There are a lot of plastics in the sea that seabirds eat. It can lead them to death because plastics have chemicals that can harm the seabirds. And at night, seabirds go hunting for food to feed their young. When plastic goes in the mouths of the young, it can cause high cholesterol levels. This is bad for the baby birds and the adult seabirds. These plastics can affect their kidneys by increasing uric acid production.

Original article:

Seabirds Next Meal Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality

 These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.They can get mixed up on were the organs are.Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.

Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality

These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.

      • You can include more information. For example, do these robots have a name? Remember to put a space after the comma, not before the comma. “one way” should be changed since you list more than one way that robots are useful. Avoid using “things” and instead state what object is being tied. I would split this sentence into two to help fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: Robots used in hospitals can be helpful or dangerous. Some ways they are useful are that they know how to make a perfect cut, tie strings, sew, and more during a surgery.

One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.

      • Again, avoid using “thing.” I would move “in a soft tissue surgery” to the next sentence.

Edited sentence: One feature that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision.

They can get mixed up on were the organs are.

      • “were” should be spelled as “where.” I combined this sentence with “in a soft tissue surgery” from the previous sentence. “confused” would be a more formal word to use than “mixed up” for a news article.

Edited sentence: In a soft tissue surgery, they can get confused on where the organs are.

Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.

      • Avoid the second person point of view (you). Use the third person point of view. Identify who “these people” are. Are they doctors? “in” should be “on.” “an” should be “a” because “hospital” starts with a consonant. “an” is used before words beginning with a vowel.

Edited sentence: Now if people keep working on the robots, patients may soon see robots at work in a hospital.

      • Please provide the source. Remember that the paragraph needs to have six sentences. Avoid using the word “thing” and instead, name what the “thing” is.


Fully edited article:

Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality

Robots used in hospitals can be helpful or dangerous. Some ways they are useful are that they know how to make a perfect cut, tie strings, sew, and more during a surgery. One feature that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision. In a soft tissue surgery, they can get confused on where the organs are. Now if people keep working on the robots, patients may soon see robots at work in a hospital.

Original article:

Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.They can get mixed up on were the organs are.Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Zero: Odd or Even Number

Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.

Zero: Odd or Even Number

Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.

      • This is a pretty lengthy sentence and the amount of detail in it may confuse the reader. I split this sentence into three for two reasons: this helps the reader understand the information more easily and this helps the article fit into the six sentence structure. For a news article, numbers should be spelled out — “0” should be spelled out as “zero.”

Edited sentence: Some people wonder if zero is an odd or even number. When an odd number is divided by two, there is a remaining number. But an even number divided by two does not have a remaining number.

A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.

      • Because you are talking about more than one “whole number,” the “A” at the beginning of the sentence is not needed. “an” is used before vowels — “a,e,i,o,u” — so “an” should be replaced by “a.” “a” is used before consonants, such as the “w” in “whole.”

Edited sentence: Whole numbers have no remaining numbers, so zero is a whole number and a whole integer.

So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.

      • I split this sentence into two to fit the six sentence structure. The concluding sentence should answer the question that was asked in the first sentence — whether zero is odd or even. I moved the sentence beginning with “When two is divided by zero…” after the third sentence in the fully edited article below.

Edited sentence: When two is divided by zero, the result is a whole number that is not a fraction or a decimal. Two divided by zero equals zero, a whole number or integer, which means that zero is an even number.

      • You must create your own title. If you use information from a source written by someone else, you must provide the source (in this case, the URL). Otherwise this is considered plagiarism. Lengthy sentences should be split up into smaller sentences. This makes it easier for the reader to understand the information at their own pace. If your article states a question at the beginning, the rest of the article should state the answer clearly.


Fully edited article:

Zero: Odd or Even Number

Some people wonder if zero is an odd or even number. When an odd number is divided by two, there is a remaining number. But an even number divided by two does not have a remaining number. When two is divided by zero, the result is a whole number that is not a fraction or a decimal. Whole numbers have no remaining numbers, so zero is a whole number and a whole integer. Two divided by zero equals zero, a whole number or integer, which means that zero is an even number.

Original article:

Zero: Odd or Even Number Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.

Edited by Penny Yagake






The Disappearance of the Megalodon

These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.This is all about the Megalodon.

The Disappearance of the Megalodon

      • Good title.

These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.

      • Make sure that the verb tense is consistent. Since this sentence is describing action that happened in the past, the verbs should be in past tense — “use” should be “used”; “was” should be “were”; “can” should be “could.” To keep the article formal, “cause” should be written out as “because.”

Edited sentence: Megalodons used to be the rulers of all seas because they were very powerful and there were no other animals that could harm it.

But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.

      • Again, “cause” should be written out as “because,” but I removed this so that the word “because” does not become too repetitive. “But now they are extinct” has the correct tense because this part of the sentence is describing the present. However, the next part of the sentence should be in past tense because it is describing the past. This sentence should also tell what happened to the fish population to explain the megalodon’s inability to feed itself.

Edited sentence: But now they are extinct because they were unable to feed themselves due to a reduction in fish population.

These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!

      • I edited this sentence for better flow. Again, make sure the verb tense is correct — “can” should be written as “could.” I also moved this sentence after the first sentence because they both describe the Megalodon when it was alive before moving on to its extinction.

Edited sentence: When these sharks were alive 2.6 million years ago, these animals could eat 500 pounds of food a day!

Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.

      • I removed “Now they are dead” because this has already been stated in the second sentence. I split this sentence into two so that the article would fit the six sentence structure. “than” is used to compare objects; “then” refers to time. The reader may want to know what that “one fish” is, so you should identify it.

Edited sentence: There is a chance that these animals might still be alive. One fish was believed to be extinct, but then was proven to be alive.

This is all about the Megalodon.

      • This sentence could have more detail. For example, you could summarize the facts in the article or you could describe the impact of studying the megalodon.

Edited sentence: Because of its size and power, the Megalodon continues to be a subject of interest.

      • You must provide the source. Put a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure to use the correct verb tense in your sentences — is the event or action you are describing occurring in the present, the past, or the future? Also remember to have six sentences in your article.

Fully edited article:

The Disappearance of the Megalodon

Megalodons used to be the rulers of all seas because they were very powerful and there were no other animals that could harm it. When these sharks were alive 2.6 million years ago, these animals could eat 500 pounds of food a day! But now they are extinct because they were unable to feed themselves due to a reduction in fish population. There is a chance that these animals might still be alive. One fish was believed to be extinct, but then was proven to be alive. Because of its size and power, the Megalodon continues to be a subject of interest.

Original article:

The Disappearance of the Megalodon

These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.This is all about the Megalodon.

Edited by Penny Yagake






Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future

If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids. Scientists  made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children. This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.

Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future

      • Make sure to capitalize each word in the title except for particles such as “the” or “of.” “help” and “benefit” have similar meanings, so I removed “help.” I rearranged the words in the title so that it does not repeat the information in the first sentence.

Edited title: Fathers Who Exercise Can Benefit Their Children’s Future

If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids.

      • “men’s” does not need ‘s, unless this word is describing something about men or something that men have. “help” and “benefit” have similar meanings, so I removed “help.”

Edited sentence: If men are healthy, this can benefit their kids.

Scientists made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise.

      • “mouses” should be written as “mice.” “different” is used twice in the same sentence so I removed the first one so that the sentence would not sound repetitive. Explain the difference between the diets. Make sure that the verb tense is consistent. I edited this sentence for better flow, but I need the source to make sure that the information is correct. I also split this sentence into three to help the article fit the six sentence structure.

Edited sentence: Scientists made an experiment by using two groups of mice and giving each a different diet. One group exercised while the other did not. The results showed that the mice that exercised had healthier children than the mice that did not exercise.

Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children.

      • “through” is not needed in this sentence.

Edited sentence: Exercising can help the genetics of the father’s sperm which benefits the health of the father’s children.

This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.

      • The last sentence repeats information that has already been stated in previous sentences. For this sentence, I suggest explaining what benefits the father’s children will have as a result of the father exercising.

Edited sentence: This shows how fathers who exercise can improve the health of their children.

      • You must include the source that you used for this article so that I can check it. Make sure that your article fits the six sentence structure. Try reading your sentences out loud after you write them. This can help you find any mistakes or find ways to improve your sentences. Also try not to repeat information that has already been stated in your article.

Fully edited article:

Fathers Who Exercise Can Benefit Their Children’s Future

If men are healthy, this can benefit their kids. Scientists made an experiment by using two groups of mice and giving each a different diet. One group exercised while the other did not. The results showed that the mice that exercised had healthier children than the mice that did not exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father’s sperm which benefits the health of the father’s children. This shows how fathers who exercise can improve the health of their children.

Original article:

Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future

If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids. Scientists made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children. This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.

Edited by Penny Yagake