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Peta's Writing Page
 
Peta's Writing Page
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The fairy godmother helped Cinderella by helping her go to the ball and become a princess or a royal. For example,”This godmother of hers who was a fairy said to her,”Thou wishes thou couldst go to the ball;”it not so?” In addition,”Thou art in the right,” replied her godmother, “go and look.” This shows how the fairy godmother blessed Cinderella to lighten up her life with great fortune.
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'''Original:''' The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was still tame and well-behaved. For example,”Long might the donkey, Clad in a lions skin,  have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.” In addition,”And even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.” This shows how the donkeys look was deceiving.
 
'''Original:''' The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was still tame and well-behaved. For example,”Long might the donkey, Clad in a lions skin,  have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.” In addition,”And even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.” This shows how the donkeys look was deceiving.

Revision as of 23:04, 25 June 2020

Peta's Writing Page

The fairy godmother helped Cinderella by helping her go to the ball and become a princess or a royal. For example,”This godmother of hers who was a fairy said to her,”Thou wishes thou couldst go to the ball;”it not so?” In addition,”Thou art in the right,” replied her godmother, “go and look.” This shows how the fairy godmother blessed Cinderella to lighten up her life with great fortune.



Original: The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was still tame and well-behaved. For example,”Long might the donkey, Clad in a lions skin, have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.” In addition,”And even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.” This shows how the donkeys look was deceiving.

Edits:


The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was still tame and well-behaved.

      • Edited for clarity: The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was actually tame and very well-behaved.


Good first sentence! Changed some wording around to make the sentence flow better


For example,”Long might the donkey, Clad in a lions skin, have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.” In addition,”And even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.”

      • Edited for punctuation and fluidity: For example, "Long might the donkey, Clad in a lion's skin, Have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin." Another example in the story is, "Even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.”


Good citation!!


This shows how the donkeys look was deceiving.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the donkeys looks were deceiving.


End the last sentence with a concluding statement


Final Edit:


The donkey might look fierce and scary but it was actually tame and very well-behaved. For example, "Long might the donkey, Clad in a lion's skin, Have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin." Another example in the story is, "Even while he was yet speaking to donkey became tame and good.” In conclusion, this shows how the donkeys looks were deceiving.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: Schippeitaro managed to outsmart the Cat King in order to catch him. According to the text,”But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.” This shows how Schippeitaro managed to capture the Cat King.

Edits:


Schippeitaro managed to outsmart the Cat King in order to catch him.

      • Great first sentence!


According to the text,”But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.”

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.”


Make sure to put a space between the comma and punctuation marks. Good citation!


This shows how Schippeitaro managed to capture the Cat King.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how Schippeitaro managed to capture the Cat King.


Add a concluding statement

Final Edit:

Schippeitaro managed to outsmart the Cat King in order to catch him. According to the text, "But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.” In conclusion, this shows how Schippeitaro managed to capture the Cat King.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: Johnny-Cake feels and gets more competitive for the more people he outruns. For example,”He said:”I’ve outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!”This shows that Johnny-Cake is more proud and confident for himself and will think that he will outrun anyone and this behavior increases due to the amount of people of who he could outrun.”


Johnny-Cake feels and gets more competitive for the more people he outruns.

      • Edited for clarity: Great first sentence!


For example,”He said:”I’ve outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!”

      • Edited for punctuation and clarity: For example, he said ”I’ve outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!”


Take out the semi colon after 'said' and the quotations before 'he'


This shows that Johnny-Cake is more proud and confident for himself and will think that he will outrun anyone and this behavior increases due to the amount of people of who he could outrun.”

      • Edited for clarity: This shows that Johnny-Cake is proud and confident of himself and thinks that he will outrun anyone and this behavior increases due to the amount of people of who he could outrun.


Good! Take out the quotations after 'outrun'

Final Edit:

Johnny-Cake feels and gets more competitive for the more people he outruns. For example, he said ”I’ve outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and I can outrun you too-o-o!” This shows that Johnny-Cake is proud and confident of himself and thinks that he will outrun anyone and this behavior increases due to the amount of people of who he could outrun.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware


Original: Jack became rich by carrying the donkey in a very humerus manner that the princess laughed and he married her and became very wealthy. For example,”This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange she burst into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.” This shows how Lazy Jack became very wealthy by carrying the donkey in a very chaotic position that made the princess go mad with laughter and then the king made his daughter marry Lazy Jack.

Edits:


Jack became rich by carrying the donkey in a very humerus manner that the princess laughed and he married her and became very wealthy.

      • Edited for clarity: Jack became rich by carrying the donkey in a humorous manner, making the princess laugh which led him to marry her and she became very wealthy.


Good first sentence!


For example,”This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange she burst into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.”

      • Edited for fluidity: For example, "This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange she burst into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.”


Make sure to put a space between the quotations and comma


This shows how Lazy Jack became very wealthy by carrying the donkey in a very chaotic position that made the princess go mad with laughter and then the king made his daughter marry Lazy Jack.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how Jack became very wealthy by carrying the donkey in a very chaotic position that made the princess go mad with laughter and then the king made his daughter marry Jack.


Final Edit:


Jack became rich by carrying the donkey in a humorous manner, making the princess laugh which led him to marry her and she became very wealthy. For example, "This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange she burst into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.” In conclusion, this shows how Jack became very wealthy by carrying the donkey in a very chaotic position that made the princess go mad with laughter and then the king made his daughter marry Jack.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: They were all captured by Foxy-woxy. For example,”Then Piggy-wiggy strutted down into the cave and he hadn’t gone far when”Whisk! went Foxy-woxy and Piggy-Wiggy was thrown along side of Turkey-lurkey ,Gooosey-possey and Ducky-daddles ,all complaining about their poor treatment, where they stayed for days.” This shows that most of the trio were captured by Foxy-woxy who was the traitor.

Edits:


They were all captured by Foxy-woxy.

      • Edited for clarity: In this story, Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, and Ducky-daddles, and Goosey-poosey were all captured by Foxy-woxy.


Good first sentence! Make sure to provide who 'they' is


For example,”Then Piggy-wiggy strutted down into the cave and he hadn’t gone far when”Whisk! went Foxy-woxy and Piggy-Wiggy was thrown along side of Turkey-lurkey ,Gooosey-possey and Ducky-daddles ,all complaining about their poor treatment, where they stayed for days.”

      • Edited for clarity: For instance, the text states "Then Piggy-wiggy strutted down into the cave and he hadn’t gone far when”Whisk! went Foxy-woxy and Piggy-Wiggy was thrown along side of Turkey-lurkey ,Gooosey-possey and Ducky-daddles ,all complaining about their poor treatment, where they stayed for days.”


Good citation!


This shows that most of the trio were captured by Foxy-woxy who was the traitor.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that most of the trio was captured by Foxy-woxy who was the traitor.


Start the last sentence with 'In conclusion'

Final Edit:


In this story, Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, and Ducky-daddles, and Goosey-poosey were all captured by Foxy-woxy. For instance, the text states "Then Piggy-wiggy strutted down into the cave and he hadn’t gone far when”Whisk! went Foxy-woxy and Piggy-Wiggy was thrown along side of Turkey-lurkey ,Gooosey-possey and Ducky-daddles ,all complaining about their poor treatment, where they stayed for days.” In conclusion, this shows that the whole group was captured by Foxy-woxy who was the traitor.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The frogs mistake was that they were looking at the places that they have come from because their eyes were at the back of their heads. For example,”The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes are at the back of their heads, and that their noses might point to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.” This shows that the frogs mistake was that their noses were pointing at their destination.

Edits:


The frogs mistake was that they were looking at the places that they have come from because their eyes were at the back of their heads.

      • Edited for clarity: The frogs' one mistake was that they were looking at the places they came from because their eyes were at the back of their heads.


Good first sentence! Changed some wording around


For example,”The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes are at the back of their heads, and that their noses might point to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.”

      • Edited for punctuation: For instance, "The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes are at the back of their heads, and that their noses might point to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.”


Great quote! Make sure to put a space between the comma and quotation marks.


This shows that the frogs mistake was that their noses were pointing at their destination.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that the frogs' mistake was that their noses were pointing at their destination.


Final Edit:


The frogs' one mistake was that they were looking at the places they came from because their eyes were at the back of their heads. For instance, "The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes are at the back of their heads, and that their noses might point to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.” In conclusion, this shows that the frogs' mistake was that their noses were pointing at their destination.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware


Original: The little boy is very soulful to his grandad and showed his parents how it felt to be treated poorly just from your own abilities. According to the text,” I am making a little trough, answered the child, “For father and mother to eat out of when I am big.” This shows how the little boy is very lovable to his grandad.

Edits:


The little boy is very soulful to his grandad and showed his parents how it felt to be treated poorly just from your own abilities.

      • Edited for fluidity: The grandson is very soulful to his grandad and showed his parents how it felt to be treated poorly just from his own abilities.


Good first sentence! Changed some wording around to make the sentence flow better.


According to the text,” I am making a little trough, answered the child, “For father and mother to eat out of when I am big.”

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "I am making a little trough, answered the child, “For father and mother to eat out of when I am big.”


Make sure the quotations are put in the right place.


This shows how the little boy is very lovable to his grandad.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how the little boy is very lovable to his grandad.


Add a concluding statement.


Final Edit:

The grandson is very soulful to his grandad and showed his parents how it felt to be treated poorly just from his own abilities. According to the text, "I am making a little trough, answered the child, “For father and mother to eat out of when I am big.” In conclusion, this shows how the little boy is very lovable to his grandad.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The little bird comforts the bad man. According to the text,”Then a little bird flies towards the gratings, for birds twitter to the just as well to the unjust, the bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression into his hard face.” This shows how the little bird comforts the prisoner.

Edits:


The little bird comforts the bad man.

      • Edited for fluidity: The little bird in this story comforts the bad man who is a prisoner.


Good first sentence!


According to the text,”Then a little bird flies towards the gratings, for birds twitter to the just as well to the unjust, the bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression into his hard face.”

      • Edited for clarity and punctuation: According to the text, ”Then a little bird flies towards the gratings, for birds twitter to the just as well to the unjust, the bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression into his hard face.”


Great citation! Make sure to add a space in between the comma and quotations


This shows how the little bird comforts the prisoner.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how the little bird comforts the prisoner.


Add a concluding statement

Final Edit:

The little bird in this story comforts the bad man who is a prisoner. According to the text, ”Then a little bird flies towards the gratings, for birds twitter to the just as well to the unjust, the bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression into his hard face.” In conclusion, this shows how the little bird comforts the prisoner.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: They were sticking up for the sausage skewer is that they really enjoy the soup from it but other mice were curious of what was in the soup and wanted to make sure what they were eating is safe. According to the text,”Everyone had heard the proverb, but no one had ever tasted the soup, much less prepared it.” This shows why the mice chose to stick up for the sausage skewer.

Edits:


They were sticking up for the sausage skewer is that they really enjoy the soup from it but other mice were curious of what was in the soup and wanted to make sure what they were eating is safe.

      • Edited for clarity: To begin, the mice were sticking up for the sausage skewer because they enjoyed the soup but other mice were curious of what was in the soup and wanted to make sure what they were eating is safe.


Good first sentence. Changed the wording around to make the sentence flow better.


According to the text,”Everyone had heard the proverb, but no one had ever tasted the soup, much less prepared it.”

      • Edited for fluidity and punctuation: According to the text, "Everyone had the proverb, but no one had ever tasted the soup, much less prepared it."


Good quote! Make sure to put a space between the comma and quotations.


This shows why the mice chose to stick up for the sausage skewer.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows why the mice chose to stick up for the sausage skewer.

Final Edit:

To begin, the mice were sticking up for the sausage skewer because they enjoyed the soup but other mice were curious of what was in the soup and wanted to make sure what they were eating is safe. According to the text, "Everyone had the proverb, but no one had ever tasted the soup, much less prepared it." In conclusion, this shows why the mice chose to stick up for the sausage skewer.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The shoe maker did not mind the shoes except on how the shoes were too small for Karen. For example,”The shoe maker said for the child of a count but had not fitted.” This shows what the shoe maker thought about the red shoes.

Edits:


The shoe maker did not mind the shoes except on how the shoes were too small for Karen.

      • Edited for clarity: The shoemaker did not mind the shoes except for how small the shoes were for Karen.


Good first sentence! Changed some wording around.


For example,”The shoe maker said for the child of a count but had not fitted.”

      • Edited for fluidity: For instance, "The shoe maker said for the child of a count but had not fitted.”


Good quote!


This shows what the shoe maker thought about the red shoes.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows what the shoemaker thought about the red shoes.


Shoemaker is one word.

Final Edit:

The shoemaker did not mind the shoes except for how small the shoes were for Karen. For instance, "The shoe maker said for the child of a count but had not fitted.” In conclusion, this shows what the shoemaker thought about the red shoes.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The beetle lived his high-perched life in a stable p. According to the text,”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all. alone with his high-mannered self.” This shows how the beetle live his high-perched life.

Edits:


The beetle lived his high-perched life in a stable p.

      • Edited for clarity: The beetle lived his high-perched life in a stable.


Good first sentence! Fixed the typo.


According to the text,”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all. alone with his high-mannered self.”

      • Edited for fluidity: According to the text, ”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all. alone with his high-mannered self.”


Make sure to put a space before the quotations.


This shows how the beetle live his high-perched life.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the beetle lived his high-perched life.


Make sure to end the last sentence with a concluding statement.


Final Edit:

The beetle lived his high-perched life in a stable. According to the text, ”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all. alone with his high-mannered self.” In conclusion, this shows how the beetle lived his high-perched life.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware





Original: We need to keep social distance so many people do not get the virus. According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.” In addition “Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.” This shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edits:

      • We need to keep social distance so many people do not get the virus.


Edited for clarity and grammar: We need to keep social distancing so people do not get the virus.
Distancing needs to be plural and take out the word many.

      • According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.”


Edited for clarity: According to the text, "Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes."
Put a space after the comma so the quote is separated.

      • In addition “Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.”


Edited for fluidity: In addition, Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.
No need for quotations because you already stated that both Hota and Rousseau said this in the text.

      • This shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.
Start the paragraph with "In conclusion" so this states the end.

Final Edit: We need to keep social distancing so people do not get the virus. According to the text, "Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes." In addition, Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators. In conclusion, this shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it. According to the text,” Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor.” This shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.

Edits:

      • The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it.


Good first sentence!

      • According to the text,” Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor.”


Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may be sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor." This makes them look magnificent.
At the end of this sentence, explain that they look magnificent. Also, make sure the quotations are right before the first word in the sentence.

      • This shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.
Great use of capitalization for the Burdock tree! Add 'in conclusion' to state that this is the concluding sentence.

Final Edit:

The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it. According to the text, "Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may be sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor." This makes them look magnificent. In conclusion, this shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The youngest had the best body structure out of all of the six children. According to the text,”They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose leaf, her eyes as the blue as the deepest sea ,but she had no feet , and instead of legs she had a fishes tail.” This shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.


Edits:

      • The youngest had the best body structure out of all of the six children.


Edited for clarity: The youngest child had the est body structure out of all the six children
Good first sentence! Make sure to state that the youngest was a child.

      • According to the text,”They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose leaf, her eyes as the blue as the deepest sea ,but she had no feet , and instead of legs she had a fishes tail.”


Edited for grammar and punctuation: They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail.
Make sure you are not putting a space in between the punctuation marks!

      • This shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' to show that this is the last sentence.

Final Edit: The youngest child had the est body structure out of all the six children. They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail. In conclusion, this shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The soap suds are used to harm the plants. According to the text,”They persue and destroy us with soap suds.” This shows how the soap suds are used to destroy the plants.

Edits:


The soap suds are used to harm the plants.

      • Good!




Original: The brain can be in good condition if you sleep good. According to the text,” Now it appears that snoozing for an average 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.” This shows how it is good for your brain if you sleep.

Edits:

      • The brain can be in good condition if you sleep good.


Edited for clarity: The brain will be in good, healthy conditions if you sleep well at night.
Changed the wording around a bit to make the first sentence flow better. Remember, always use 'well' instead 'good'

      • According to the text,” Now it appears that snoozing for an average 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.”


Edited for punctuation and clarity: According to the text, "Now, it appears that snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." This means that a great night of sleep can be very helpful for the brain.
Add the end of this quote, put what that sentence means and why you understand it.

      • This shows how it is good for your brain if you sleep.


Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how getting a full 8 hours of sleep is great for your brain.
Add 'in conclusion' to the ending sentence.

Final Edit:

The brain will be in good, healthy conditions if you sleep well at night. According to the text, "Now, it appears that snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." This means that a great night of sleep can be very helpful for the brain. In conclusion, this shows how getting a full 8 hours of sleep is great for your brain.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes. According to the text, “The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don’tHave Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the worlds largest digital climate conference.” This shows how we could still celebrate Earth Day without going outside.

Edits:

      • An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes.


Great first sentence! Straight and to the point.

      • According to the text, “The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don’tHave Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the worlds largest digital climate conference.”


Edited for clarity: According to the text it states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference."
Good use of quotations. Make sure to put one space after each word.

      • This shows how we could still celebrate Earth Day without going outside.


In conclusion, this shows how we can still celebrate Earth day without going outside.
Add 'in conclusion' to the last sentence.

Final Edit: An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes. According to the text it states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." In conclusion, this shows how we can still celebrate Earth day without going outside.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The difference of the opinion brought out by the mayor and the governor is that the mayor wants school to be canceled for a year because of the virus however the governor wants to see the results before making up his mind. According to the text, “If school buildings stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children.” This shows how there are differences between both the mayor or governor by the virus.

Edits:

      • The difference of the opinion brought out by the mayor and the governor is that the mayor wants school to be canceled for a year because of the virus however the governor wants to see the results before making up his mind.


Edited for clarity and grammar: The difference of opinions brought out by the Mayor and Governor is that the Mayor wants schools to be canceled for a year because of the virus, however, the Governor wants to see the results before making up his mind.
Put a comma before and after 'however and Mayor and Governor should be capitalized. Also, the word 'school' needs to be plural.

      • According to the text, “If school buildings stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children.”


Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "If schools stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
Take out the word buildings after school.

      • This shows how there are differences between both the mayor or governor by the virus.


Edited for grammar and clarity: In conclusion, this shows how there are differences between both the Mayor and Governor by the virus.
Start the last sentence with 'In conclusion' and capitalize Mayor and Governor.


Final Edit: The difference of opinions brought out by the Mayor and Governor is that the Mayor wants schools to be canceled for a year because of the virus, however, the Governor wants to see the results before making up his mind. According to the text, "If schools stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." In conclusion, this shows how there are differences between both the Mayor and Governor by the virus.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Orginal: Not all people are able to be astronauts because they need to perfect their training. According to the text, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut”. In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.” This shows how it takes a lot of work and effort be be an astronaut.

Edits:

      • Not all people are able to be astronauts because they need to perfect their training.


Edited for grammar: Not a lot of people are able to become astronauts because they need to perfect their training.
Instead of 'all people' put 'a lot of people' and 'become' instead of 'be'

      • According to the text, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut”.


Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut."
The period goes before the quotations.

      • In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.”


Edited for punctuation: The text also states that there are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.
No need for quotations, add in 'the text also states'

      • This shows how it takes a lot of work and effort be be an astronaut.


Edited for grammar: In conclusion, this shows how it takes a lot of work and effort to be an astronaut.
Put 'In conclusion' the begin the last sentence and take out the 'be' and put 'to'


Final Edit: Not a lot of people are able to become astronauts because they need to perfect their training. According to the text, "Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut." The text also states that there are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all. In conclusion, this shows how it takes a lot of work and effort to be an astronaut.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Orginal: What makes the graduation ceremonies different in Japan is that technology is the new trend. According to the text, “Now, in what is being hailed as an “industry first”, Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to “attend “ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” This shows how both traditions are different in the graduation ceremonies.

Edits:

      • What makes the graduation ceremonies different in Japan is that technology is the new trend.


Edited for fluidity: Graduation ceremonies are becoming different because of the new trend in technology in Japan.
Switched the sentence around to sound more fluid.

      • According to the text, “Now, in what is being hailed as an “industry first”, Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to “attend “ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”

Edited for grammar: According to the text, "Now, I what is being hailed as an 'industry first,' Tokyo University has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home."
'university' needs to be capitalized and instead of double quotations around industry first, just put a single quotations mark.

      • This shows how both traditions are different in the graduation ceremonies.


Edited for grammar: In conclusion, this shows how both traditions are different in graduation ceremonies.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion'

Final Edit: Graduation ceremonies are becoming different because of the new trend in technology in Japan. According to the text, "Now, I what is being hailed as an 'industry first,' Tokyo University has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home." In conclusion, this shows how both traditions are different in graduation ceremonies.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware





Original: One of the accomplishments that Williams reached was that he managed to help many children from starvation. According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.” In addition,” He’s expanded his mission too”. This shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.

Edits:

      • One of the accomplishments that Williams reached was that he managed to help many children from starvation.


Edited for clarity: One accomplishment that William reached was that he managed to help children from starvation.
Instead of 'one of the accomplishments' say 'one accomplishment'

      • According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.”


No need to edit this sentence

      • In addition,” He’s expanded his mission too”. This shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.


Edited for punctuation In addition, he has expanded his mission too which shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.
Take out the quotations and combine these two sentences.

Final Edit: One accomplishment that William reached was that he managed to help children from starvation. According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.” In addition, he has expanded his mission too which shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well. According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.” This shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - (The elders) from the virus and from starvation.

Edits:

      • The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well.


Good first sentence! No need to edit.


      • According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.”


Edited by clarity: According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.”
Make sure you are only put one space between each word.

      • This shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - (The elders) from the virus and from starvation.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - the elders - from the virus and from starvation.
No need for the parenthesis and start the last sentence with 'In conclusion'


Final Edit: The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well. According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.” In conclusion, this shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - the elders - from the virus and from starvation.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The robots are preventing people from getting the virus. According to the text,”Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,”the company writes in a blog post.” This shows how robots are helping people from the Coronavirus.

Edits:

      • The robots are preventing people from getting the virus.


Edited for clarity: The Boston Dynamics Robots are preventing people from getting the virus.
Explain the type of robots involved in this.

      • According to the text,”Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,”the company writes in a blog post.”


Edited for clarity: According to the text, "Starting in early March, Boston Dyanimcs started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19."
Take out 'the company writes in a blog post' because you already stated this sentence was from the text!

      • This shows how robots are helping people from the Coronavirus.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the Boston Dynamics robots are helping people from Coronavirus.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion'

Final Edit:

The Boston Dynamics Robots are preventing people from getting the virus. According to the text, "Starting in early March, Boston Dyanimcs started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19." In conclusion, this shows how the Boston Dynamics robots are helping people from Coronavirus.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The Willow tree was calm on the other hand the Buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride. According to the text,” When the Willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the Buckwheat , and the punishment which followed in consequence. This shows how the two characters are different in personality.

Edits:

      • The Willow tree was calm on the other hand the Buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride.


Edited for clarity: The buckwheat and willow tree differed a lot from each other. The willow tree was calm but on the other hand, the buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride.
Made this into two sentences to show how they differed from each other. Also, willow and buckwheat are lowercased.

      • According to the text,” When the Willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the Buckwheat , and the punishment which followed in consequence.


Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Then the willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."
Make sure the quotations come right before the sentence.

      • This shows how the two characters are different in personality.


Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how the two trees have different personalities.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' and say 'trees' instead of 'characters'

Final Edit:

The buckwheat and willow tree differed a lot from each other. The willow tree was calm but on the other hand, the buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride. According to the text, "Then the willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." In conclusion, this shows how the two trees have different personalities.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The way the merchant became rich was from the feather from the swan. According to the text.”A beautiful swan flew over the rolling , tossing waves of the ocean ,every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with sails all set ,was sailing away.” This shows that the swan was the one who made the merchant rich.

Edits:

      • The way the merchant became rich was from the feather from the swan.


Edited for clarity: The feather from the swam was how the merchant became very rich.
Good first sentence! Changed some wording around to make the first sentence flow better.

      • According to the text.”A beautiful swan flew over the rolling , tossing waves of the ocean ,every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with sails all set ,was sailing away.”


Edited for grammar and clarity: According to the text, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. Every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with snails all set, was sailing away."
Make sure to cite every word correctly when forming a sentence.

      • This shows that the swan was the one who made the merchant rich.


Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that the swan why the merchant became rich.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' so we know that this is the concluding sentence.

Final Edit:

The feather from the swam was how the merchant became very rich. According to the text, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. Every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with snails all set, was sailing away." In conclusion, this shows that the swan why the merchant became rich.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: Gerda’s trip is difficult because it was very cold. According to the text,” But Gerda was so pinched by the cold that she could not speak.” This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold.

Edits:

Gerda’s trip is difficult because it was very cold.
      • Edited for fluidity: The cold weather made Gerda's trip difficult.


Good first sentence! Changed the wording around to make it flow better

According to the text,” But Gerda was so pinched by the cold that she could not speak.”

      • Edited for clarity: According to the text it states, "But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak."


This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold.

      • Good sentence! No need to edit.


Add a conclusion sentence

      • In conclusion, this shows that Gerda had a hard time dealing with the cold weather.

Final Edit:

The cold weather made Gerda's trip difficult. According to the text, "But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak." This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold. In conclusion, this shows that Gerda had a hard time dealing with the cold weather.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The treasure would be gained for who who would hop the highest. According to the text,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest,” said the King; it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize.” This shows how to claim the treasure.

Edits:


The treasure would be gained for who who would hop the highest.

      • Edited for clarity: Whoever jumped the highest would get a great treasure from the King.


Good! Changed the wording around to make the sentence more clear.


According to the text,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest,” said the King; it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize.”

      • Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "I will give you great treasure to him who shall jump the highest," said the king. "It would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize."


Make sure the quotations are in the right place when citing from an article.


This shows how to claim the treasure.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how to claim the treasure.


End the last sentence with 'In conclusion' to state this is the last sentence.


Final Edit:

Whoever jumped the highest would get a great treasure from the King. According to the text, "I will give you great treasure to him who shall jump the highest," said the king. "It would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize." In conclusion, this shows how to claim the treasure.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The main character is the soldier with one leg. According to the text,”Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg.” This shows why he is the main character because the story kept on talking about him.

Edits:


The main character is the soldier with one leg.

      • Edited for clarity: The solider with one leg in the main character in this story.


Good! Changed the wording a bit to make the sentence flow better.


According to the text,”Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg.”

      • Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg."


Make sure to add a space after starting the citation.


This shows why he is the main character because the story kept on talking about him.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows why the one-legged solider is the main character.


Start the last sentence with 'In conclusion' so we know this is the concluding sentence. Great job!


Final Edit:


The solider with one leg in the main character in this story. According to the text, "Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg." In conclusion, this shows why the one-legged soldier is the main character.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: It is because to tell the flax that there can be more than happiness in this world. According to the text,”Snip, snap,snuree,Basse, lurre. The song is ended.” This shows why the fern sang the song.

Edits:


It is because to tell the flax that there can be more than happiness in this world.

      • Edited for fluidity: The flax and fern both say that there can be more happiness in this world.


Changed the wording around to make the sentence flow better


According to the text,”Snip, snap,snuree,Basse, lurre. The song is ended.”

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Snip, snap, snuree, Basse, lurre; the song is ended."


Make sure to cite the exact wording


This shows why the fern sang the song.

      • Good!

Final Edit:

The flax and fern both say that there can be more happiness in this world. According to the text, "Snip, snap, snuree, Basse, lurre; the song is ended." This shows why the fern sang the song.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: Ali Baba knew how to open the secret door or passageway by seeing how the forty thieves got in. According to the text,”One, whom he took to be their captain, came under the tree in which Ali Baba was concealed; and making his way through some shrubs, he pronounced these words;”Open Sesame!” ‘This shows how Ali Baba discovered on how to open the secret cave filled with riches.

Edits:


Ali Baba knew how to open the secret door or passageway by seeing how the forty thieves got in.

      • Great first sentence!


According to the text,”One, whom he took to be their captain, came under the tree in which Ali Baba was concealed; and making his way through some shrubs, he pronounced these words;”Open Sesame!”

      • Edited for clarity: According to the text, "One, whom he took to be their captain, came under the tree in which Ali Baba was concealed; and making his way through some shrubs, he pronounced these words, "Open Sesame!"


Great job - just make sure you are spacing the quotations out correctly.


‘This shows how Ali Baba discovered on how to open the secret cave filled with riches.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how Ali Baba discovered how to open the secret cave filled with riches.


Begin the last sentence with In conclusion


Final Edit:

Ali Baba knew how to open the secret door or passageway by seeing how the forty thieves got in. According to the text, "One, whom he took to be their captain, came under the tree in which Ali Baba was concealed; and making his way through some shrubs, he pronounced these words, "Open Sesame!" In conclusion, this shows how Ali Baba discovered how to open the secret cave filled with riches.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The Baron was not a kind character because on how he treated the goose-watcher. According to the text,” Into the puddle with you he laughed aloud at what he called his own wit, and the rest joined him.” In addition,”She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes-all of which the baron took note of; but as he galloped past, he reversed the whip held in his hand, and in rough play gave the goose-watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.” This shows the unfriendly nature of the Baron.

Edits:


The Baron was not a kind character because on how he treated the goose-watcher.

      • Great job!!


According to the text,” Into the puddle with you he laughed aloud at what he called his own wit, and the rest joined him.”

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Into the puddle with you he laughed aloud at what he called his own wit, and the rest joined him."


Make sure the quotation marks are in the right place


In addition,”She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes-all of which the baron took note of; but as he galloped past, he reversed the whip held in his hand, and in rough play gave the goose-watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.”

      • Edited for clarity: In addition, ”She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes-all of which the baron took note of; but as he galloped past, he reversed the whip held in his hand, and in rough play gave the goose-watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.”


This shows the unfriendly nature of the Baron.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows the unfriendly nature of the Baron.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The sick girl saw the little pea that was shot from the young boy. According to the text,”Just as the mother was going to work, the sick girl fixed her gaze on the lowest pane of the window.” In addition,”So the bed of the sick girl was drawn nearer to the window, that she might see the budding plant; and the mother went forth to her work.” This shows how what the sick girl saw was the little pea that started to grow in their yard.

Edits:


The sick girl saw the little pea that was shot from the young boy.

      • Good first sentence!


According to the text,”Just as the mother was going to work, the sick girl fixed her gaze on the lowest pane of the window.”

      • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Just as the mother was going to work, the sick girl fixed her gaze on the lowest pane of the window."


Make sure you are putting the quotations in the right place.


In addition,”So the bed of the sick girl was drawn nearer to the window, that she might see the budding plant; and the mother went forth to her work.”

      • Edited for clarity: Another quote in the reading is, ”So the bed of the sick girl was drawn nearer to the window, that she might see the budding plant; and the mother went forth to her work.”


This shows how what the sick girl saw was the little pea that started to grow in their yard.

      • Edited for grammar: This shows that the sick girl saw the little pea growing in her yard.

Final Edit:



The sick girl saw the little pea that was shot from the young boy. According to the text, "Just as the mother was going to work, the sick girl fixed her gaze on the lowest pane of the window." Another quote in the reading is, ”So the bed of the sick girl was drawn nearer to the window, that she might see the budding plant; and the mother went forth to her work.” This shows that the sick girl saw the little pea growing in her yard.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The mother Stork wants her children to learn how to fly so that they can live. According to the text,”You are to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs.” In addition,”Who ever does not fly as he be pierced to death by the general’s beak, so mind that you learn well when the drill begins.” This shows why the mother stork wants her children to know how to fly for their lives.

Edits:


The mother Stork wants her children to learn how to fly so that they can live.

      • Edited for clarity: The mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly so that they could fend for themselves.


Great first sentence! Changed 'so that they can live' to past tense.


According to the text,”You are to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs.”

      • Edited for punctuation and clarity: According to the text, "You are to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs."


Make sure to add a space in between the comma and quotations.


In addition,”Who ever does not fly as he be pierced to death by the general’s beak, so mind that you learn well when the drill begins.”

      • Edited for grammar: In addition to the text, "Whoever does not fly as he be pierced to death by the general's beak, so mind that you learn well when the drill begins."


Pierced was spelled wrong so I fixed that.


This shows why the mother stork wants her children to know how to fly for their lives.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows why the mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly.


Make sure to use past tense. Great job on this paragraph!

Final Edit:


The mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly so that they could fend for themselves. According to the text, "You are to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs." In addition to the text, "Whoever does not fly as he be pierced to death by the general's beak, so mind that you learn well when the drill begins." In conclusion, this shows why the mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware



Original: The author’s purpose of the story is to not have too much pride or you might end up acting stupid. According to the text, “It’s all stupid stuff,” said a voice within the weather-vane.” In addition, “Better to to crow than to be vainglorious and break down at last.” This shows why we should not have too much pride.

Edits:


The author’s purpose of the story is to not have too much pride or you might end up acting stupid.

      • Edited for grammar: The author's purpose of this story is to not have too much pride because one might end up acting stupid.


Great first sentence!


According to the text, “It’s all stupid stuff,” said a voice within the weather-vane.”

      • Edited for grammar: For instance, according to the text it says "It's all stupid stuff," said a voice within the weathercock.


Make sure to put the exact words that are in the story


In addition, “Better to to crow than to be vainglorious and break down at last.”

      • Edited for punctuation: In addition, "Better to crow than to be vainglorious and break down at last."


Great transition word!


This shows why we should not have too much pride.

      • In conclusion, having too much pride can be hurtful to other people.


End the last sentence with a concluding statement. Great job!

Final Edit:


The author's purpose of this story is to not have too much pride because one might end up acting stupid. For instance, according to the text it says "It's all stupid stuff," said a voice within the weathercock. In addition, “Better to to crow than to be vainglorious and break down at last.” In conclusion, having too much pride can be hurtful to other people.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware





Original: The way to know if the princess was a real one was by placing so many mattresses and beds on top one another ,but underneath all of them was a pea. According to the text,”Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon a pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.” This shows the test to show which princess was a real one.


The way to know if the princess was a real one was by placing so many mattresses and beds on top one another ,but underneath all of them was a pea.

      • Edited for clarity and punctuation: The only way to know if the princess was real was by placing mattresses and beds on top of one another, then feeling the pea underneath.


Great first sentence! Changed the wording around a bit.


According to the text,”Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon a pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.”

      • Edited for fluidity: For instance, the text states, "Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon a pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses." This means that none but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling.


Start the sentence with a transition statement.


This shows the test to show which princess was a real one.

      • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows that the princess was real.


Final Edit:

The only way to know if the princess was real was by placing mattresses and beds on top of one another, then feeling the pea underneath. For instance, the text states, "Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon a pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses." This means that none but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling. In conclusion, this shows that the princess was real.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware





Original: It is because Little Claus kept on saying “Gee-up, my fine horses.” According to the text,” I must really beg you not, to say that again,” said the Great Claus as he passed;”For if you do, I shall take your horse away and then it will be all over for you.” This shows why Great Claus took Little Claus’ horse.

Edits:


It is because Little Claus kept on saying “Gee-up, my fine horses.”

      • Edited for clarity: According to the story, Little Claus kept saying, "Gee-up, my fine horses."


Good! Begin with an proper opening statement.


According to the text,” I must really beg you not, to say that again,” said the Great Claus as he passed;”For if you do, I shall take your horse away and then it will be all over for you.”

      • Edited for fluidity: To add on, "I mist really beg you not, to say that again," said the Great Claus as he passed; "For if you do, I shall take your horse away and then it will be all over you."


Great use of quotes!


This shows why Great Claus took Little Claus’ horse.

      • In conclusion, this shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.


End with a concluding statement


Final Edit:

According to the story, Little Claus kept saying, "Gee-up, my fine horses." To add on, "I mist really beg you not, to say that again," said the Great Claus as he passed; "For if you do, I shall take your horse away and then it will be all over you." In conclusion, this shows why Great Claus took Little Claus' horse.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware




Original: The young lady was interested in the statue. According to the text,”An oranist!” exclaimed the lady , who had never heard the word ‘obelisk.’ This shows what the young woman found interesting.


Edits:


The young lady was interested in the statue.

      • Edited for clarity: To begin, the young lady was interested in the statue due to her statements she made throughout the story.


Explain why she was interested.


According to the text,”An oranist!” exclaimed the lady , who had never heard the word ‘obelisk.’

      • Edited for clarity: According to the text, "An organist!" exclaimed the lady, who had never heard the word 'obelisk.'


Great job! Make sure to use the correct spelling when citing from the story.


This shows what the young woman found interesting.

      • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows what the young woman found interesting.


Add a concluding statement.


Final Edit:

To begin, the young lady was interested in the statue due to her statements she made throughout the story. According to the text, "An organist!" exclaimed the lady, who had never heard the word 'obelisk.' In conclusion, this shows what the young woman found interesting.


Edited by Kelsey Eggsware