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I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people/animals in running.
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***Edited for fluidity: I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people and animals in running.
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***Try not to use the / sign if you can use "and."
  
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<br>I feel this because when someone asked " 'Where ya going, Johnny-cake?' " he proudly said " 'I've outrun an' " nobody asked who he had outrun. 
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***Delete this sentence because your next quote already explains your point. This sentence is unnecessary. Also, the spacing around the quotes are incorrect.
  
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<br>The text states, "He said: ' I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!' "
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***Edited for spacing, quotation marks: The text states, "He said: 'I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!'"
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***No need for the space between the ' and ".
  
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<br>This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have out run a few people/animals.
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***Edited for fluidity and vocabulary: This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have outrun a few people and animals.
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***"Outrun" is misspelled. Again, replace the / with "and."
  
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'''Final Edited Version:
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I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people and animals in running. The text states, "He said: 'I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!'" This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have outrun a few people and animals.
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 +
***Overall, please work on your quotation mark spacing (especially between ' and ").
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Edited by Ashley Leung
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According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome.  If she wasn't interested she wouldn't ask about Rome.  The text states, " 'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there."  This detail tells the young lady is interested in Rome because she wouldn't bring it up if she wasn't.
 
According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome.  If she wasn't interested she wouldn't ask about Rome.  The text states, " 'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there."  This detail tells the young lady is interested in Rome because she wouldn't bring it up if she wasn't.
  

Latest revision as of 08:50, 28 June 2020

Kabe's Writing Page

I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people/animals in running. I feel this because when someone asked " 'Where ya going, Johnny-cake?' " he proudly said " 'I've outrun an' " nobody asked who he had outrun. The text states, "He said: ' I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!' " This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have out run a few people/animals.


I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people/animals in running.

      • Edited for fluidity: I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people and animals in running.
      • Try not to use the / sign if you can use "and."


I feel this because when someone asked " 'Where ya going, Johnny-cake?' " he proudly said " 'I've outrun an' " nobody asked who he had outrun.

      • Delete this sentence because your next quote already explains your point. This sentence is unnecessary. Also, the spacing around the quotes are incorrect.


The text states, "He said: ' I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!' "

      • Edited for spacing, quotation marks: The text states, "He said: 'I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!'"
      • No need for the space between the ' and ".


This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have out run a few people/animals.

      • Edited for fluidity and vocabulary: This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have outrun a few people and animals.
      • "Outrun" is misspelled. Again, replace the / with "and."


Final Edited Version: I think Johnny-cake feels proud and happy that he has beat a few people and animals in running. The text states, "He said: 'I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o!'" This detail tells me Johnny-cake is proud to have outrun a few people and animals.

      • Overall, please work on your quotation mark spacing (especially between ' and ").

Edited by Ashley Leung



According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't ask about Rome. The text states, " 'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there." This detail tells the young lady is interested in Rome because she wouldn't bring it up if she wasn't.


According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't ask about Rome.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine sentence): According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome because she constantly asked about Rome.
      • You can combine these two sentences because the second sentence isn't that important. Try not to use an assertive tone like "If she wasn't..." You can just say that she was interested because she was asking about it.


The text states, " 'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there."

      • Edited for spacing and quotation mark: The text states, "'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there.'"
      • Correct the spacing around the first quotation mark. Add another apostrophe at the end since it's part of her words.


This detail tells the young lady is interested in Rome because she wouldn't bring it up if she wasn't.

      • Edited for fluidity: This shows how interested she is in Rome.
      • Again, you don't need to explain that she wouldn't bring it up if she wasn't interested. Just say that the quote shows how interested she is.


Final Edited Version: According to the story, the young lady was very interested in Rome because she constantly asked about Rome. The text states, "'I should like to see Rome,' she said; 'it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there.'" This shows how interested she is in Rome.


      • Overall, good job! Please work on your quotation mark spacing and avoid repeating information.

Edited by Ashley Leung



The fern sang the song because it probably knew that the flax would end up like that. I think this because the fern said "We cannot expect to be happy always," so I am thinking the fern was some kind of up to this. The text states, "Well, this is quite wonderful," said the flax. "I could not have believed that I should be so favored by fortune. The fern was not wrong when it sang, 'Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre." This detail tells me that the fern probably planned what happened to the flax.


The fern sang the song because it probably knew that the flax would end up like that.

      • Edited for fluidity: The fern probably sang the song because it knew that the flax would end up like that.
      • Place "probably" in the beginning. Also, clarify what "end up like that" means.


I think this because the fern said "We cannot expect to be happy always," so I am thinking the fern was some kind of up to this.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, comma: The fern said, "We cannot expect to be happy always," so I think the fern had a clue.
      • Comma after "said." Don't need the "I think this because" in the beginning because you include it after the quote. Also, what does "some kind of up to this" mean?


The text states, "Well, this is quite wonderful," said the flax. "I could not have believed that I should be so favored by fortune. The fern was not wrong when it sang, 'Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre."

      • Edited for quotation marks: The text states, "'Well, this is quite wonderful,' said the flax. 'I could not have believed that I should be so favored by fortune. The fern was not wrong when it sang, "Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre."'"
      • When you're quoting within a quote, make sure to add another apostrophe ("'....'"). Also, when there is a quote within a quote within a quote ("snip, snap..."), add another pair of quotes around that.


This detail tells me that the fern probably planned what happened to the flax.

      • Good!

Final Edited Version: The fern probably sang the song because it knew that the flax would end up like that. The fern said, "We cannot expect to be happy always," so I think the fern had a clue. The text states, "'Well, this is quite wonderful,' said the flax. 'I could not have believed that I should be so favored by fortune. The fern was not wrong when it sang, "Snip, snap, snurre, Basse lurre."'" This detail tells me that the fern probably planned what happened to the flax.

      • Overall, good job! Please focus on your quotation marks, and clarify some phrases (remember that the reader doesn't know the story you've read).


Edited by Ashley Leung



What made the man a wealthy merchant is a beautiful feather from a swan. This feather touched his forehead gave him such luck he became a wealthy merchant. The text states, " The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold—rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which," said the Sunshine, 'I shone.' " This detail tells me that a feather landed on a mans forehead and become so lucky he became wealthy.


What made the man a wealthy merchant is a beautiful feather from a swan.

      • Edited for grammar (tense): What made the man a wealthy merchant was a beautiful feather from a swan.
      • Since you're using the past tense for "made," use the past tense throughout.


This feather touched his forehead gave him such luck he became a wealthy merchant.

      • Edited for fluidity: This feather touched his forehead and gave him enough luck to become a wealthy merchant.
      • Add "and" (you need to link the details). Replace "such luck" with "enough luck."


The text states, " The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold—rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which," said the Sunshine, 'I shone.' "

      • Edited for spacing and quotation marks: The text states, "'The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold—rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which,' said the Sunshine, 'I shone.'"
      • Correct the spacing between quotation marks. Pay attention to how the first part of the quotation is also said by Sunshine, so you need double quotations as well. Also, I recommend using shorter quotes.


This detail tells me that a feather landed on a mans forehead and become so lucky he became wealthy.

      • Edited for grammar (comma) and apostrophe: This detail tells me that a feather landed on a man's forehead, and he become so lucky he became wealthy.
      • This sentence is kind of repetitive. Add apostrophe to "man's." Add comma before "and" and add "he."


Final Edited Version: What made the man a wealthy merchant was a beautiful feather from a swan. This feather touched his forehead and gave him enough luck to become a wealthy merchant. The text states, "'The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold—rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which,' said the Sunshine, 'I shone.'" This detail tells me that a feather landed on a man's forehead, and he become so lucky he became wealthy.

      • Please pay attention to quotation marks and spacing.

Edited by Ashley Leung




When we sleep our brain gets cleaned up from terrible proteins. These proteins are bad and when you don't sleep they are more dangerous then before. The text states, " The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day." This detail tells that the fluid in your body cleans terrible proteins in your brain cells. The text also states, " The process acts a bit "like a dishwasher," said Dr. Maiken Nedergard, a neuroscientist at the University of Rochester who led the 2013 effort." This detail tells me that the fluid cleans the harmful and waste proteins like a dishwasher cleans dishes.


When we sleep our brain gets cleaned up from terrible proteins.

      • Edited for comma and vocabulary: When we sleep, our brain is cleansed of harmful proteins.
      • Comma after "sleep." Replace "cleaned up" with "cleansed." Replace "terrible" with "harmful."


These proteins are bad and when you don't sleep they are more dangerous then before.

      • Edited for fluidity: When you don't sleep, these proteins become more dangerous.
      • This sentence is a run-on sentence, you don't really need the "these proteins are bad" part.


The text states, " The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day."
      • No space between the first quotation mark and the quote.


This detail tells that the fluid in your body cleans terrible proteins in your brain cells.

      • Edited for vocabulary: This detail shows that the fluid in your body cleans harmful proteins in your brain cells.
      • Replace "tells that" with "shows that." Replace "terrible" with "harmful."


The text also states, " The process acts a bit "like a dishwasher," said Dr. Maiken Nedergard, a neuroscientist at the University of Rochester who led the 2013 effort."

      • Edited for quotation marks: The text also states, "'The process acts a bit like a dishwasher,' said Dr. Maiken Nedergard, a neuroscientist at the University of Rochester who led the 2013 effort."
      • No space between first quotation mark and the quote. Add a single quotation mark for the quote inside the quote.


This detail tells me that the fluid cleans the harmful and waste proteins like a dishwasher cleans dishes.

      • Edited for fluidity: This detail tells me that the fluid cleans the harmful waste proteins like a dishwasher cleans dishes.
      • No need for "and" in between "harmful" and "waste." "Waste" isn't an adjective.


Final Edited Version: When we sleep, our brain is cleansed of harmful proteins. When you don't sleep, these proteins become more dangerous. The text states, "The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day." This detail shows that the fluid in your body cleans harmful proteins in your brain cells. The text also states, "'The process acts a bit like a dishwasher,' said Dr. Maiken Nedergard, a neuroscientist at the University of Rochester who led the 2013 effort." This detail tells me that the fluid cleans the harmful waste proteins like a dishwasher cleans dishes.

      • Overall, please work on your quotation mark spacing and single quotation mark placement.

Edited by Ashley Leung



We can help improve the earth by buying less things than you might have before and reusing some garbage if you can. You can reuse something paper towel rolls or plastic bottles to something useful. The text states, " But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed. " This detail tells me that think if this garbage item or can if you can reuse this for something else. The text also states, " You can also limit waste by reducing the amount of things you buy. For example, check the library for that book you have to read before visiting the store. " This detail tells me that if you want to limite the things you buy you can check the library for a book you want to read.


We can help improve the earth by buying less things than you might have before and reusing some garbage if you can.

      • Edited for fluidity: We can help improve the earth by buying less and reusing items.
      • The overall sentence is okay, but you can make it more concise (less wordy). Instead of writing "garbage," you can just write "items" because the message isn't to reuse garbage, but to reuse something before it becomes garbage.


You can reuse something paper towel rolls or plastic bottles to something useful.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity: You can reuse paper towel rolls or plastic bottles for something useful.
      • Don't need "something." Not "to something useful," but "for something useful." Or, you can write "turn them into something useful."


The text states, " But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed. "

      • Edited for quotation mark spacing: The text states, "But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed."
      • Don't need the space between quotation marks and the quote.


This detail tells me that think if this garbage item or can if you can reuse this for something else.

      • Edited for fluidity: This detail tells me to question whether something is garbage or a reusable item.
      • This sentence is pretty unclear. If this detail is telling you to do something, then you would use "tells me to think..." rather than "tells me that..." Don't forget your linking verb ("is") → "this is garbage." No need for "can" between "or if." Please be more mindful of how your sentences sound.


The text also states, " You can also limit waste by reducing the amount of things you buy. For example, check the library for that book you have to read before visiting the store. "

      • Edited for quotation mark spacing: The text also states, "You can also limit waste by reducing the amount of things you buy. For example, check the library for that book you have to read before visiting the store."
      • Again, don't need the spacing.


This detail tells me that if you want to limite the things you buy you can check the library for a book you want to read.

      • Edited for spelling and clarity and grammar (comma): This detail tells me that if you want to limit the things you buy, you can check the library for a book to read.
      • "Limit" is misspelled. Need a comma between "you buy" and "you can."


Final Edited Version: We can help improve the earth by buying less and reusing items. You can reuse paper towel rolls or plastic bottles for something useful. The text states, "But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed." This detail tells me to question whether something is garbage or a reusable item. The text also states, "You can also limit waste by reducing the amount of things you buy. For example, check the library for that book you have to read before visiting the store." This detail tells me that if you want to limit the things you buy, you can check the library for a book to read.

      • Please work on your quotation mark spacing (it was okay last time, not sure why this time the spacing is different). Also be mindful of whether your sentences are clear (check to see if you made any mistakes).

Edited by Ashley Leung



The boys are helping the Seniors by bringing fresh food and bringing groceries to the Seniors. More and more teenagers start delivering food to the elderly because of two teenagers delivery food to a grandpa in Maryland. The text states, " Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries." This detail tells me two teenagers deliver food to a grandpa. The text also states, " In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." This detail tells that teens deliver food to elderlies while keeping social distance.


The boys are helping the Seniors by bringing fresh food and bringing groceries to the Seniors.

      • Edited for capitalization and clarity: The boys are helping the seniors by bringing fresh food and groceries to them.
      • You don't need to capitalize "seniors." Also, please clarify who "the boys" are. You can also use "elderly" instead of "seniors."


More and more teenagers start delivering food to the elderly because of two teenagers delivery food to a grandpa in Maryland.

      • Edited for clarity and grammar (tense): More teenagers are starting to deliver food to the elderly because of two teenagers who delivered food to a grandpa in Maryland.
      • If this is still ongoing, then use "are starting to." Add "who" after "teenagers." "Delivery" → "delivered" (it's an action).


The text states, " Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries."
      • Delete the space between the quotation mark and "Soon."


This detail tells me two teenagers deliver food to a grandpa.

      • Edited for grammar (-ed): This detail tells me two teenagers delivered food to a grandpa.
      • Past tense, so add "-ed."


The text also states, " In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering."

      • Edited for spacing: The text also states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering."
      • Again, no spacing between quotation mark and "In."


This detail tells that teens deliver food to elderlies while keeping social distance.

      • Edited for spelling and fluidity: This detail tells me that teens deliver food to the elderly while keeping social distance.
      • "Tells" → "tells me." "Elderly" is already a plural group of people, so no need to add "-ies."


Final Edited Version: The boys are helping the seniors by bringing fresh food and groceries to them. More teenagers are starting to deliver food to the elderly because of two teenagers who delivered food to a grandpa in Maryland. The text states, "Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries." This detail tells me two teenagers delivered food to a grandpa. The text also states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." This detail tells me that teens deliver food to the elderly while keeping social distance.

      • Please work on your past tense and quotation mark spacing.

One article report that Earth Day will be celebrated is The Earth Day Network. Even though there are more articles listed I chose this one. The text states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This detail tells that this article talks climate activities as it should. The text states, " From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." This detail tells that 100 experts are talk about topics about climate finance to food and agriculture to local government.


One article report that Earth Day will be celebrated is The Earth Day Network. Even though there are more articles listed I chose this one.

      • Edited for fluidity: Out of multiple articles about Earth Day, I chose the article by The Earth Day Network.
      • You can combine these two sentences. Maybe explain why you chose this one?


The text states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference."

      • Good job with the correct quotation marks!


This detail tells that this article talks climate activities as it should.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity: This detail tells me that this article appropriately talks about climate activities.
      • Insert "about" after "talks" (you talk about something). Rather than saying "as it should," which sounds kind of bold, you can use "appropriately."


The text states, " From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government."
      • Delete the space betweent the quotation mark and "From."


This detail tells that 100 experts are talk about topics about climate finance to food and agriculture to local government.

      • Edited for fluidity and grammar (comma, -ing): This detail tells me that 100 experts are talking about climate finance, food and agriculture, and local government.
      • "tells" → "tells me," you can say "this detail shows that," but when you use "tells," you need to include a noun after it. "Talk"→ "talking." Add commas instead of using "to...to..." It's too confusing.


Final Edited Version: Out of multiple articles about Earth Day, I chose the article by The Earth Day Network. The text states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This detail tells me that this article appropriately talks about climate activities. The text states, "From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." This detail tells me that 100 experts are talking about climate finance, food and agriculture, and local government.

      • Overall, good job! Please focus on making your sentences clearer.

Edited by Ashley Leung



Some accomplishments that William achieved is getting enough money to buy pounds of food children. William always thought children had the same life as him, so when he relized it William persuaded his mom to take him to a local food market and persuaded the shoppers into bying pounds worth of food so kids could take the food home during spring break. The text states, " He persuaded his mom to drive him to a local Food Lion. There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." This detail tells me that William as a child is a really caring and kind kid. The text also states, " Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This detail tells me that William still has his passion for helping kids from their hunger.


Some accomplishments that William achieved is getting enough money to buy pounds of food children.

      • Edited for word choice and clarity: An accomplishment William achieved is collecting enough money to buy pounds of food for children.
      • "Getting" → "Collecting," since he received donations. Add "for" before "children."


William always thought children had the same life as him, so when he relized it William persuaded his mom to take him to a local food market and persuaded the shoppers into bying pounds worth of food so kids could take the food home during spring break.

      • Edited for spelling, fluidity, punctuation (comma), clarity: William had always thought children lived the same life as him. When he realized it was false, William persuaded his mom to take him to a local market and persuaded shoppers to buy pounds worth of food for children to take home over spring break.
      • "Had always" → He used to think like this, so you need to add "had." Begin a new sentence with "When he realized..." → otherwise, this becomes a run-on sentence. Misspelled "realized." Clarify what "it" is. Misspelled "buying."


The text states, " He persuaded his mom to drive him to a local Food Lion. There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "He persuaded his mom to drive him to a local Food Lion. There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • Delete the space between "He" and the quotation mark. Also, your previous sentence is very similar to this quote → try changing the previous sentence using your own words.


This detail tells me that William as a child is a really caring and kind kid.

      • Edited for fluidity: This detail tells me that William is a very caring and kind child.
      • No need to repeat "child" and "kid." "Really"→ "very."


The text also states, " Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."

      • Edited for spacing: The text also states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."
      • No space between quotation mark and "seven."


This detail tells me that William still has his passion for helping kids from their hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity: This detail tells me that William still has passion for helping hungry kids.
      • Reword this to be more concise.

Final Edited Version: An accomplishment William achieved is collecting enough money to buy pounds of food for children. William had always thought children lived the same life as him. When he realized it was false, William persuaded his mom to take him to a local market and persuaded shoppers to buy pounds worth of food for children to take home over spring break. The text states, "He persuaded his mom to drive him to a local Food Lion. There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." This detail tells me that William is a very caring and kind child. The text also states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This detail tells me that William still has passion for helping hungry kids.

      • Overall, good job! Please work on your punctuation marks (in regards to quotations).

The difference of this graduation ceremony from other graduation ceremonies is this was a virtual graduation ceremony. This graduation ceremony was virtual because it was hosted by Zoom. The text sates, " The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This detail tells me that Japan made a graduation ceremony through Zoom.


The difference of this graduation ceremony from other graduation ceremonies is this was a virtual graduation ceremony.

      • Edited for fluidity: The difference of this graduation ceremony in comparison to other graduation ceremonies is that this was virtual.
      • When you use "from other graduation ceremonies," you must start the sentence with "this ceremony DIFFERS..." (This ceremony differs from other ceremonies). Otherwise, you can add "in comparison to." No need to add "graduation ceremony" after "virtual."


This graduation ceremony was virtual because it was hosted by Zoom.

      • Edited for clarity: This virtual graduation ceremony was hosted by Zoom.
      • It wasn't virtual BECAUSE it was hosted by Zoom, it was only virtual using Zoom. (Virtual because of COVID-19).


The text sates, " The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom."

      • Edited for spacing: The text sates, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom."
      • No space between the quotation mark and "the."


This detail tells me that Japan made a graduation ceremony through Zoom.

      • Edited for word choice: This detail tells me that Japan held a graduation ceremony through Zoom.
      • "Held" is a better word when talking about a ceremony. You "hold" a ceremony, not "make" a ceremony.


Final Edited Version: The difference of this graduation ceremony in comparison to other graduation ceremonies is that this was virtual. This virtual graduation ceremony was hosted by Zoom. The text sates, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This detail tells me that Japan held a graduation ceremony through Zoom.

      • Please work on your quotation marks and vocabulary.

Edited by Ashley Leung



All the people that apply to become NASA astronauts are not picked because the program only had space or some people. Only a few from Thousands of people were picked to become NASA astronauts. The text states, " But the number of people who actually make it into space is quite small." This detail tells me that a few people were able to become NASA astronauts. The text also states, " Since the 1960s, only 350 men and women have been chosen for NASA’s astronaut training. Currently, NASA has 48 astronauts." This detail tells me that exactly 350 people were chosen to become astronauts for NASA.


All the people that apply to become NASA astronauts are not picked because the program only had space or some people.

      • Edited for fluidity: Not everyone who applies to become NASA astronauts are chosen because the program has limited space.
      • "All people are not picked" sounds too indirect, try "not everyone is picked." Make sure you clarify there is "limited" space.


Only a few from Thousands of people were picked to become NASA astronauts.

      • Edited for capitalization and word choice: Only a few out of thousands were picked to become NASA astronauts.
      • Usually you would write "___ out of ___" rather than "___ from ___." (EX. 3 out of 5 people, NOT 3 from 5 people).


The text states, " But the number of people who actually make it into space is quite small."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "But the number of people who actually make it into space is quite small."
      • No space in between the quotation mark and the first word after.


This detail tells me that a few people were able to become NASA astronauts.

      • Edited for clarity: This detail tells me that few people were able to become NASA astronauts.
      • Take out the "a" in "a few people" to emphasize the limited amount. Or, you can write "only a few people..."


The text also states, " Since the 1960s, only 350 men and women have been chosen for NASA’s astronaut training. Currently, NASA has 48 astronauts."

      • Edited for spacing: The text also states, "Since the 1960s, only 350 men and women have been chosen for NASA’s astronaut training. Currently, NASA has 48 astronauts."
      • No space needed between quotation mark and first word after.


This detail tells me that exactly 350 people were chosen to become astronauts for NASA.

      • Good, but the information is a bit repetitive.'

Final Edited Version: Not everyone who applies to become NASA astronauts are chosen because the program has limited space. Only a few out of thousands were picked to become NASA astronauts. The text states, "But the number of people who actually make it into space is quite small." This detail tells me that few people were able to become NASA astronauts. The text also states, "Since the 1960s, only 350 men and women have been chosen for NASA’s astronaut training. Currently, NASA has 48 astronauts." This detail tells me that exactly 350 people were chosen to become astronauts for NASA.

      • Please work on punctuation (spacing).

Edited by Ashley Leung


The two opposing views are De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo. These two men are having a disagreement about the schools are closed to the rest of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools and nothing has yet happened. The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year." This detail tells me that the Governor disagrees with the Mayors decision.


The two opposing views are De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo.

      • Edited for clarity: The two opposing views are by De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo.
      • The "views" aren't the people, the "views" are by the people, so make sure you write "by."


These two men are having a disagreement about the schools are closed to the rest of the year.

      • Edited for tense and fluidity: These two men are having a disagreement about schools being closed for the rest of the year.
      • Since the closing of schools is the subject they're disagreeing about, you should phrase it as "schools being closed..." "The schools are closed to" is incorrect. Also, it is "for" the rest of the year, not "to."


The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic."

      • Good!


This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools and nothing has yet happened.

      • Edited for comma and clarity: This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools, and no changes have happened yet.
      • Comma before "and," since the second half is an independent clause. Also, clarify what you mean by "nothing has yet happened" (Usually you would place "yet" after "happened").


The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year."

      • Good!


This detail tells me that the Governor disagrees with the Mayors decision.

      • Edited for capitalization and apostrophe: This detail tells me that the governor disagrees with the mayor's decision.
      • No need to capitalize "governor" and "mayor" (only when there is a name after it). Apostrophe in "mayor's."


Final Edited Version: The two opposing views are by De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo. These two men are having a disagreement about schools being closed for the rest of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools, and no changes have happened yet. The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year." This detail tells me that the governor disagrees with the mayor's decision.

      • Good job on correctly formatting quotation marks! Please work on commas and capitalization.

Edited by Ashley Leung


The main reason birds are migrating south is because the temperature change and the lack of food. The change of temperature and the lack of food are really important because birds need warm weather and need food to survive. The text states, " "During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food," says Guida." This detail tells me that birds mirgrate because of change in temperature and the lack of food.


The main reason birds are migrating south is because the temperature change and the lack of food.

      • Edited for word choice and fluidity: The main reason birds are migrating south is temperature change and lack of food.
      • Don't follow "reason" with "because" since it becomes repetitive. You don't need to add "the" in front of "temperature change" and "lack of food" (these nouns don't need definite articles).


The change of temperature and the lack of food are really important because birds need warm weather and need food to survive.

      • Edited for fluidity and word choice: The change in temperature and lack of food are important because birds need warm weather and food to survive.
      • When you talk about the temperature changing, you use "in," not "of." No need for the "the" before "lack of food." No need for the second "need" before "food." The verb "need" applies to the rest of the list since you're connecting them with "and."


The text states, " "During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food," says Guida."

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks) and fluidity: The text states, "'During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food,' says Guida."
      • When you're quoting something someone else says, you use an apostrophe (') with a set of quotes → do not put double quotation marks.


This detail tells me that birds mirgrate because of change in temperature and the lack of food.

      • Edited for fluidity and spelling: This tells me that birds migrate because of change in temperature and lack of food.
      • Misspelled "migrate." No need for "the" before "lack of food."


Final Edited Version: The main reason birds are migrating south is temperature change and lack of food. The change in temperature and lack of food are important because birds need warm weather and food to survive. The text states, "'During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food,' says Guida." This tells me that birds migrate because of change in temperature and lack of food.

      • Please write more in the future. Practice your definite articles (know when to use/not use them) and quotation marks.

Edited by Ashley Leung



The main idea of this story is while humans are away the animals will play. While humans are at home the animals will play around and walk around the zoo. According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely." This detail tells me that the animals roam freely and leave their usually life behind for now. The text also states, " The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium." This detail tells me animals are taking advantage of humans absence and are more intelligent then we might of thought.


The main idea of this story is while humans are away the animals will play. While humans are at home the animals will play around and walk around the zoo.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine two sentences) and comma usage and definite article: The main idea of this story is that while humans are at home, animals will walk and play around the zoo.
      • These two sentences are very similar, so you can just combine them into one. Insert a comma after "home." You don't need "the" before animals because you are treating "humans" and "animals" as nonspecific groups (just animals in general).


According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely."

      • Good job with the correct use of punctuation (quotation marks and period placement).


This detail tells me that the animals roam freely and leave their usually life behind for now.

      • Edited for definite article and vocabulary: This detail tells me that animals roam freely and leave behind their usual life for now.
      • Again, don't need "the" before "animals." It sounds clearer if you attach "leave behind" next to each other. "Usually" → "usual."


The text also states, " The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium."

      • Edited for quotation mark: The text also states, "The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium."
      • No space between the quotation mark and the word after it.


This detail tells me animals are taking advantage of humans absence and are more intelligent then we might of thought.

      • Edited for grammar (tense, possessive) and vocabulary (then vs. than): This detail tells me that animals are taking advantage of humans' absence and are more intelligent than we might think.
      • Add a "that" before "animals" to declare the beginning of an idea. Add an apostrophe to "humans" since you're talking about their absence. Since you are comparing the truth to our thoughts, you would use "than" (not "then"). Use the present tense of "think," or change it to "might have thought." (not "of" → sometimes saying "might have" SOUNDS like "might of," but it's incorrect).


Final Edited Version: The main idea of this story is that while humans are at home, animals will walk and play around the zoo. According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely." This detail tells me that animals roam freely and leave behind their usual life for now. The text also states, "The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium." This detail tells me that animals are taking advantage of humans' absence and are more intelligent than we might think.

      • Please work on spelling, knowing the difference between "then" and "than," and when to use the definite article ("the"). I would also like to see more of your own words, so minimize the amount of quotes you use.

Edited by Ashley Leung



The reason for why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the COVID-19. The COVID-19 is the corona virus. The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19. This detail tells me why the 2020 Olympic Games will be postponed.

The reason for why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the COVID-19.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity (concision): The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed because of the COVID-19.
      • To be more concise, you can take out "the reason for why..." It is unnecessary wording. It would sound clearer if you switch the position of "in Japan" to right after "Olympics" since that describes the event.


The COVID-19 is the corona virus.

      • Edited for accuracy of information and spelling: The COVID-19 is a new type of coronavirus.
      • "Coronavirus" (spelled together) is a large group of viruses. COVID-19 is one type of this virus. This is why people specify "COVID-19" when talking about the current virus. "Coronavirus" is a larger umbrella term.


The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19.

      • Good!


This detail tells me why the 2020 Olympic Games will be postponed.

      • Edited for fluidity and spelling: This clarifies why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed.
      • A better word to use is "clarify." Try not to use first person "me" when writing news articles as it sounds more personal and less credible.


Final Edited Version: The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed because of the COVID-19. The COVID-19 is a new type of coronavirus. The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19." This clarifies why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed.

      • Great job! I suggest you research a bit more about COVID-19 and work on making sentences more concise. Please also write a few more sentences in the future to at least have 6-7 sentences per paragraph. Also, please cite your source!

Edited by Ashley Leung


The two activities that seem the most fun are mad lips and indoor snowballs. These two seem the most fun because when the text stated in Mad Lips, "Mad lips are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech." I think mad lips would seem most fun because I like hilarious things like what the text evidence said. The text stated in Indoor Snowballs, " An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged." I think indoor snowballs would also seem most fun because safe fun can be really fun and I like really fun.

The two activities that seem the most fun are mad lips and indoor snowballs.

      • Edited for capitalization and spelling: Two activities that seem the most fun are Mad Libs and indoor snowball fights.
      • I think you're referring to the game "Mad Libs" here. Since Mad Libs is a trademark game, you would capitalize the name. Also, write "indoor snowball fights" to clarify the activity. You don't need "the" in the beginning.


These two seem the most fun because when the text stated in Mad Lips, "Mad lips are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech."

      • Edited for spelling, fluidity, clarity: A text about Mad Libs states, "Mad Libs are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech."
      • Since you only refer to Mad Libs in this sentence, you don't need to write "these two seem the most fun" (you don't talk about the other activity). Also, to avoid sounding repetitive, you can directly begin the sentence with "the text in Mad Libs states..." When you quote something, you use the present tense (stated → states). Again, it's spelled Mad Libs. I'm assuming that you're reading a text about Mad Libs (not in Mad Libs).


I think mad lips would seem most fun because I like hilarious things like what the text evidence said.

      • Edited for spelling, fluidity: I think Mad Libs seems very fun because I like looking at hilarious things.
      • Instead of saying the game is "most fun," you can just say it seems "very fun" because you don't want to say that Mad Libs is most fun and then say that indoor snowball fights are most fun as well. You can take out the "what the text evidence said" part at the end. It's unnecessary. To be more precise, you can say that you like "looking" at hilarious things (since Mad Libs is about reading funny things).


The text stated in Indoor Snowballs, " An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged."

      • Edited for clarity, capitalization: A text about indoor snowball fight states, "An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged."
      • Unless this game is a brand name, you should leave it as lowercase. The text is talking "about" the game. Use present tense before quoting something (stated → states).


I think indoor snowballs would also seem most fun because safe fun can be really fun and I like really fun.

      • Edited for clarity and grammar (run-on sentence): I think indoor snowball fights would be a good activity because I like having fun in a safe way.
      • This sentence is a bit repetitive (too many uses of "fun" in one sentence). You can change up the adjectives. You don't have to say the game is the "most fun" -- just say that it is a "good activity." Since the main point of indoor snowball fights is its safeness, you should include that in explaining why it is a good activity to do.


Final Edited Version: Two activities that seem the most fun are Mad Libs and indoor snowball fights. A text about Mad Libs states, "Mad Libs are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech." I think Mad Libs seems very fun because I like looking at hilarious things. A text about indoor snowball fights states, "An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged." I think indoor snowball fights would be a good activity because I like having fun in a safe way.

      • In the future, try to not use too much quotation as part of your paragraph (since you want most of the paragraph to be in your own words). You can try to incorporate diverse adjectives and structures in your sentences to sound more interesting (less repetitive). Also please cite the source/website that you quoted from! Work on forming concise, clear sentences and avoiding run-on sentences.

Edited by Ashley Leung