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The story was about the young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.
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***Edited for tense and articles: The story is about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.
 +
***When describing the story itself, use present tense ("is"). Use the article "a" to describe the man.
  
 +
<br>Back then in Japan the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous!
 +
***Edited for punctuation (comma, period): Back then in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous.
 +
***Add a comma after "Japan." Use a period to end the sentence instead of exclamation mark.
  
 +
<br>The young man, or found it difficult to do something adventurous. He didn't stumble upon anything yet.
 +
***Edited for fluidity (combine sentences) and punctuation: The young man found it difficult to stumble upon something adventurous.
 +
***You can combine these two sentences (they have similar meaning). Delete the comma and "or."
  
 +
<br>Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there.
 +
***Good!
  
 +
<br>The youth thought he could do something good.
 +
***Good!
 +
 +
<br>Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and heard them talking.
 +
***Edited for fluidity: Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and talking.
 +
***No need to repeat "heard them."
 +
 +
<br>At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care. But it was actually an event that led the youth to think of a plan for how to capture the cat king.
 +
***Edited for fluidity (combine sentences): At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care, but an event led the youth to think of a plan to capture the cat king.
 +
***You should combine these sentences, and don't begin a sentence with "but." Change "it was actual an event" because it's kind of unclear. "Plan for how to" → "plan to."
 +
 +
<br>Anyways, later, he found a maiden in a cask.
 +
***Edited for word choice: Later, he found a maiden in a cask.
 +
***Delete "anyways" (unnecessary and informal).
 +
 +
<br>The cats wanted something from the maiden and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro.
 +
***Edited for punctuation (comma): The cats wanted something from the maiden, and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro.
 +
***Add a comma before "and" because you have two independent clauses.
 +
 +
<br>When the youth heard the cats that night he knows that they were up to something.
 +
***You can delete this sentence because it's not really important information at this point.
 +
 +
<br>The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose."
 +
***Okay, but try to reduce your quote length. This quote is way too long.
 +
 +
<br>Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret" the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them.
 +
***Edited for clarity and punctuation: Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret," the cats were obviously hiding something from the dangerous dog.
 +
***Add a comma after "secret." You can shorten the ending by just calling the dog "dangerous." Otherwise, this sentence is a bit unclear.
 +
 +
<br>The text states, " The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping."
 +
***Edited for spacing: The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping."
 +
***Delete the space after the first quotation mark. Also, instead of using a quote, try to summarize what happened in your own words. This is another quote that is too long.
 +
 +
<br>Since the youth did all that work it paid off, so he could now go back home with his name famous
 +
***Edited for punctuation and fluidity: The youth's hard work paid off, and he could now go back home with his name famous.
 +
***You can make this sentence clearer and more concise. Add a period at the end.
 +
 +
 +
'''Final Edited Version:
 +
The story is about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous. Back then in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous. The young man found it difficult to stumble upon something adventurous. Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there. The youth thought he could do something good. Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and talking. At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care, but an event led the youth to think of a plan to capture the cat king. Later, he found a maiden in a cask. The cats wanted something from the maiden, and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro. The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret," the cats were obviously hiding something from the dangerous dog. The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." The youth's hard work paid off, and he could now go back home with his name famous.
 +
 +
 +
***Please reduce the length of your quotes (you can use your own words to summarize). Also, work on your punctuation (commas), and avoid run-on sentences.
 +
 +
Edited by Ashley Leung
 +
 +
 +
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A Little Princess: Sara Part 2
 
A Little Princess: Sara Part 2
  

Latest revision as of 09:14, 28 June 2020

Dasz's Writing Page


Schippeitaro

   The story was about the young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous. Back then in Japan the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous! The young man, or found it difficult to do something adventurous. He didn't stumble upon anything yet. Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there. The youth thought he could do something good. Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and heard them talking. At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care. But it was actually an event that led the youth to think of a plan for how to capture the cat king. Anyways, later, he found a maiden in a cask. The cats wanted something from the maiden and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro. When the youth heard the cats that night he knows that they were up to something. The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret" the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them.  The text states, " The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." Since the youth did all that work it paid off, so he could now go back home with his name famous


The story was about the young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.

      • Edited for tense and articles: The story is about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous.
      • When describing the story itself, use present tense ("is"). Use the article "a" to describe the man.


Back then in Japan the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous!

      • Edited for punctuation (comma, period): Back then in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous.
      • Add a comma after "Japan." Use a period to end the sentence instead of exclamation mark.


The young man, or found it difficult to do something adventurous. He didn't stumble upon anything yet.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine sentences) and punctuation: The young man found it difficult to stumble upon something adventurous.
      • You can combine these two sentences (they have similar meaning). Delete the comma and "or."


Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there.

      • Good!


The youth thought he could do something good.

      • Good!


Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and heard them talking.

      • Edited for fluidity: Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and talking.
      • No need to repeat "heard them."


At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care. But it was actually an event that led the youth to think of a plan for how to capture the cat king.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine sentences): At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care, but an event led the youth to think of a plan to capture the cat king.
      • You should combine these sentences, and don't begin a sentence with "but." Change "it was actual an event" because it's kind of unclear. "Plan for how to" → "plan to."


Anyways, later, he found a maiden in a cask.

      • Edited for word choice: Later, he found a maiden in a cask.
      • Delete "anyways" (unnecessary and informal).


The cats wanted something from the maiden and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro.

      • Edited for punctuation (comma): The cats wanted something from the maiden, and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro.
      • Add a comma before "and" because you have two independent clauses.


When the youth heard the cats that night he knows that they were up to something.

      • You can delete this sentence because it's not really important information at this point.


The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose."

      • Okay, but try to reduce your quote length. This quote is way too long.


Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret" the cats were obviously hiding something from that dog and if he found out, the dog would probably do something bad to them.

      • Edited for clarity and punctuation: Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret," the cats were obviously hiding something from the dangerous dog.
      • Add a comma after "secret." You can shorten the ending by just calling the dog "dangerous." Otherwise, this sentence is a bit unclear.


The text states, " The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping."

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping."
      • Delete the space after the first quotation mark. Also, instead of using a quote, try to summarize what happened in your own words. This is another quote that is too long.


Since the youth did all that work it paid off, so he could now go back home with his name famous

      • Edited for punctuation and fluidity: The youth's hard work paid off, and he could now go back home with his name famous.
      • You can make this sentence clearer and more concise. Add a period at the end.


Final Edited Version: The story is about a young man trying to do a good deed to make his name famous. Back then in Japan, the custom was that as soon as a Japanese boy reaches manhood, he shall roam through the land for an adventure and come back home with his name famous. The young man found it difficult to stumble upon something adventurous. Then, he saw a wild mountain and took the road that led there. The youth thought he could do something good. Overnight, he heard some cats screeching and talking. At first, the youth was just curious and didn't really care, but an event led the youth to think of a plan to capture the cat king. Later, he found a maiden in a cask. The cats wanted something from the maiden, and the young man decided to save her by going to Schippeitaro. The text states, "Not a sound was heard through the whole forest for some hours, but at midnight there suddenly arose such a clamor that the young man, tired as he was, became wide awake in an instant. Peeping cautiously between the wooden pillars of the chapel, he saw a troop of hideous cats, dancing furiously, making the night horrible with their yells. The full moon lighted up the weird scene, and the young warrior gazed with astonishment, taking great care to keep still, lest he should be discovered. After some time he thought that in the midst of all their shrieks he could make out the words, ‘Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret! Do not tell Schippeitaro!’ Then, the midnight hour had passed, they all vanished, and the youth was left alone. Exhausted by all that had been going on around him, he flung himself on the ground and slept till the sun rose." Since he heard the cats say, "Do not tell Schippeitaro! Keep it hidden and secret," the cats were obviously hiding something from the dangerous dog. The text states, "The monster looked eagerly about him, and his eyes sparkled with joy when he saw the cask. He bounded high into the air with delight and uttered cries of pleasure; then he drew near and undid the bolts. But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in him, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope. The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping." The youth's hard work paid off, and he could now go back home with his name famous.


      • Please reduce the length of your quotes (you can use your own words to summarize). Also, work on your punctuation (commas), and avoid run-on sentences.

Edited by Ashley Leung




A Little Princess: Sara Part 2

 Sara loves to read books! She doesn't have a preference of any genres and she mostly likes big books. The text states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." You can see that Sara likes all sorts of books and she likes to read in French, German, and English now that is astonishing. For a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves to read big books and in different languages as well. In addition the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'" This tells how much she invests her time into books and how she is so addicted to reading books. Her Father won't need to help her with grammar anymore.


Sara loves to read books!

      • Good!


She doesn't have a preference of any genres and she mostly likes big books.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity and comma: She doesn't have a preference for any genre, and she mostly likes big books.
      • Usually, it's "preference for." Add a comma before "and."


The text states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things."

      • Good!


You can see that Sara likes all sorts of books and she likes to read in French, German, and English now that is astonishing.

      • Edited for fluidity: You can see that Sara likes all sorts of books in various languages.
      • You can condense it to "various languages."


For a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves to read big books and in different languages as well.

      • Edited for fluidity: For a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves to read big books in different languages.
      • You can combine "big books" and "different languages."


In addition the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'"

      • Good! I suggest shortening the length of the quote though.


This tells how much she invests her time into books and how she is so addicted to reading books.

      • Edited for vocabulary and fluidity: This shows how much time she invests in books and how addicted she is to reading.
      • Use "shows" instead of "tells." Since "how much" is describing "time," place "time" right after "how much."


Her Father won't need to help her with grammar anymore.

      • Edited for capitalization: Her father won't need to help her with grammar anymore.
      • Don't need to capitalize "father."


Final Edited Version: Sara loves to read books! She doesn't have a preference for any genre, and she mostly likes big books. The text states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones—French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." You can see that Sara likes all sorts of books in various languages. For a seven-year-old, it's pretty impressive that she loves to read big books in different languages. In addition the text states, "'I am not in the least anxious about her education,' Captain Crewe said, with his happy laugh, as he held Sara's hand and patted it. 'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl... Drag her away from her books when she reads too much.'" This shows how much time she invests in books and how addicted she is to reading. Her father won't need to help her with grammar anymore.

      • Overall, good job! Please work on your commas and reduce the length of quotations!

Edited by Ashley Leung



A Little Princess: Sara Part 1


Sara's mother died when she was born and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father. However, she had to leave and go to a house full of little girls and not be with her father for a while. She appears to be a very shy and scared girl. It seems that Sara is worried when she talked to her father. She's worried because she thought of something really strange that even her father is curious about what she's thinking of. The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father." As it talks in the article about how she is baffled how she went to so many places like in India then in the middle of the ocean and in strange streets at nighttime. The text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'" She sounded almost like she was afraid or scared and not knowing what's happening.


Sara's mother died when she was born and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father.

      • Edited for comma (run-on sentence): Sara's mother died when she was born, and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father.
      • Add a comma before "and" since the second half is an independent clause.


However, she had to leave and go to a house full of little girls and not be with her father for a while.

      • Edited for vocabulary: However, she had to leave and go to a house full of little girls and couldn't be with her father for a while.
      • It would be clearer to write "couldn't be" rather than "not be."


She appears to be a very shy and scared girl.

      • Good!


It seems that Sara is worried when she talked to her father.

      • Edited for fluidity: When Sara talked to her father, she seemed worried.
      • Rephrasing this sentence makes it clearer.


She's worried because she thought of something really strange that even her father is curious about what she's thinking of.

      • Edited for clarity and tense: She's worried because she thought of something so strange that her father was curious about what she's thinking about.
      • Since you use "that," you want to use "so" rather than "really" (EX. "the cake was so good that I ate the entire thing"). Use past tense for "was curious" since the rest of the sentence is in past tense. Remove "even."


The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father."

      • Good!


As it talks in the article about how she is baffled how she went to so many places like in India then in the middle of the ocean and in strange streets at nighttime.

      • Edited for fluidity and vocabulary and comma: The article mentions how she is baffled that she went to so many places like India, the middle of the ocean, and strange streets at nighttime.
      • Remove "As" in the beginning of the sentence. Replace "talks" with "mentions" (usually don't use the verb "talk" with articles). "Baffled how" → "baffled that." Separate the three places with commas.


The text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'"

      • Good!


She sounded almost like she was afraid or scared and not knowing what's happening.

      • Edited for fluidity: She sounded like she was afraid and didn't know what was happening.
      • Remove "almost" and "scared" (similar meaning as "afraid"). "Not knowing" → "didn't know."


Final Edited Version: Sara's mother died when she was born, and that made her want to spend as much time as she could with her father. However, she had to leave and go to a house full of little girls and couldn't be with her father for a while. She appears to be a very shy and scared girl. When Sara talked to her father, she seemed worried. She's worried because she thought of something so strange that her father was curious about what she's thinking about. The text states, "Principally, she was thinking of what a queer thing it was that at one time one was in India in the blazing sun, and then in the middle of the ocean, and then driving in a strange vehicle through strange streets where the day was as dark as the night. She found this so puzzling that she moved closer to her father." The article mentions how she is baffled that she went to so many places like India, the middle of the ocean, and strange streets at nighttime. The text states, "'Papa,' she said in a low, mysterious little voice which was almost a whisper, 'papa.' 'What is it, darling?' Captain Crewe answered, holding her closer and looking down into her face. 'What is Sara thinking of?' 'Is this the place?' Sara whispered, cuddling still closer to him. 'Is it, papa?'" She sounded like she was afraid and didn't know what was happening.

      • Overall, good job! You're quotation marks are all correct! Please work on your commas and vocabulary!

Edited by Ashley Leung



LITTLE WOMEN PART 7: A MERRY CHRISTMAS


The children, including the four sisters, are putting on a play or a show. The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began." I believed that they were doing a play. And in every play, most of the plays start with the opening of a curtain. Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy" This could also means that they are doing a play because it basically means dramatic disaster and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play. Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor." Jo is dressing up, which is another reason that they are doing a play. People dress up when they do shows and plays. Plus, she got those clothes from an actor. It shows that also it says that she got the clothes from a male, so she is gonna dress up and act as a male.


The children, including the four sisters, are putting on a play or a show.

      • Good!


The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began."

      • Good!


I believed that they were doing a play. And in every play, most of the plays start with the opening of a curtain.

      • Edited for punctuation and fluidity (combine sentences) and tense: I believe that they are doing a play because most plays start with the opening of a curtain.
      • You can combine these sentences. Use present tense for "believe" and "are."


Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy" This could also means that they are doing a play because it basically means dramatic disaster and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play.

      • Edited for fluidity: Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy," which means that they are doing a play because it basically means "dramatic disaster," and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play.
      • Combine these two sentences by using a comma and "which." Place quotes around "dramatic disaster."


Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor."

      • Good!


Jo is dressing up, which is another reason that they are doing a play. People dress up when they do shows and plays.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity: Jo is dressing up like people do when they perform in shows and plays.
      • You can combine these two sentences.


Plus, she got those clothes from an actor. It shows that also it says that she got the clothes from a male, so she is gonna dress up and act as a male.

      • You can delete this sentence since your previous sentence explains it well enough.


Final Edited Version: The children, including the four sisters, are putting on a play or a show. The text states, "There was a good deal of rustling and whispering behind the curtain, a trifle of lamp smoke, and an occasional giggle from Amy, who was apt to get hysterical in the excitement of the moment. Presently a bell sounded, the curtains flew apart, and the operatic tragedy began." I believe that they are doing a play because most plays start with the opening of a curtain. Also, the quote says "operatic tragedy," which means that they are doing a play because it basically means "dramatic disaster," and the word "dramatic" shows us that they are doing a play. Furthermore, the text states, "No gentleman were admitted, so Jo played male parts to her heart's content and took immense satisfaction in a pair of russet leather boots given her by a friend, who knew a lady who knew an actor." Jo is dressing up like people do when they perform in shows and plays.


      • Overall, good job! Please work on your punctuation, run-on sentences, and avoid repeating information!

Edited by Ashley Leung



LITTLE WOMEN PART 5


The main question I have to answer for the book "Little Woman" is what were the bangs for. The first bang was because Amy was coming inside the house right after she went out to buy for her mother a bigger cologne than the last one she got, which was cheaper and smaller. In the text, it states, "Amy came in hastily, and looked rather abashed when she saw her sisters all waiting for her. "Where have you been, and what are you hiding behind you?" asked Meg, surprised to see, by her hood and cloak, that lazy Amy had been out so early. "Don't laugh at me, Jo! I didn't mean anyone should know till the time came. I only meant to change the little bottle for a big one, and I gave all my money to get it, and I'm truly trying not to be selfish anymore." As she spoke, Amy showed the handsome flask which replaced the cheap one. So this citation explains that Amy went out to go and get a bigger and better cologne for her mother, and when she came back to the house it resulted to a bang of the door. The second bang of the door was by Marmee the girl's mom who came back after seeing a poor creeten she followed the person and helped them and on her way back she saw a family of six all very poor, and when she came back to the house and opened the door a bang came from the door. Some poor creeter came a-beggin', and your ma went straight off to see what was needed. There never was such a woman for givin' away vittles and drink, clothes and firin'," replied Hannah" ... Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. "Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day," they all cried in chorus. "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold." This citation ells that Marmee the girl's mom went out to help a poor person than on her way saw a poor family of six and came back home, which resulted in her opening the door which made a bang.


The main question I have to answer for the book "Little Woman" is what were the bangs for.

      • Edited for spelling: The main question I have to answer for the book "Little Women" is what were the bangs for.
      • Title is "Little Women," not "Little Woman."


The first bang was because Amy was coming inside the house right after she went out to buy for her mother a bigger cologne than the last one she got, which was cheaper and smaller.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity: The first bang was when Amy was coming inside the house right after she went out to buy a bigger and more expensive cologne for her mother.
      • Use "when" instead of "because." You can condense the second half by using the adjectives "bigger" and "more expensive."


In the text, it states, "Amy came in hastily, and looked rather abashed when she saw her sisters all waiting for her. "Where have you been, and what are you hiding behind you?" asked Meg, surprised to see, by her hood and cloak, that lazy Amy had been out so early. "Don't laugh at me, Jo! I didn't mean anyone should know till the time came. I only meant to change the little bottle for a big one, and I gave all my money to get it, and I'm truly trying not to be selfish anymore."

      • Edited for quotation marks: In the text, it states, "Amy came in hastily, and looked rather abashed when she saw her sisters all waiting for her. 'Where have you been, and what are you hiding behind you?' asked Meg, surprised to see, by her hood and cloak, that lazy Amy had been out so early. 'Don't laugh at me, Jo! I didn't mean anyone should know till the time came. I only meant to change the little bottle for a big one, and I gave all my money to get it, and I'm truly trying not to be selfish anymore.'"
      • Correct the quotation marks. When you're writing a quote within a quote, use an apostrophe mark (').


As she spoke, Amy showed the handsome flask which replaced the cheap one.

      • You can delete this sentence because the information is already previously established.


So this citation explains that Amy went out to go and get a bigger and better cologne for her mother, and when she came back to the house it resulted to a bang of the door.

      • Edited for fluidity and comma: This citation explains that Amy went out to go and get a bigger and better cologne for her mother, and when she came back to the house, it resulted in a bang of the door.
      • Remove "so" at the beginning of the sentence. Comma after "house."


The second bang of the door was by Marmee the girl's mom who came back after seeing a poor creeten she followed the person and helped them and on her way back she saw a family of six all very poor, and when she came back to the house and opened the door a bang came from the door.

      • Edited for comma and fluidity (run-on sentence): The second bang of the door was by Marmee, the girls' mom, who came back after seeing a poor creeten on her way back home.
      • You can shorten this sentence. Add commas around "the girls' mom." Also, change "girl's" to "girls'" since she is a mom for more than one girl.


Some poor creeter came a-beggin', and your ma went straight off to see what was needed. There never was such a woman for givin' away vittles and drink, clothes and firin'," replied Hannah" ... Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. "Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day," they all cried in chorus. "Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold."

      • Edited for quotation marks and spacing: "'Some poor creeter came a-beggin', and your ma went straight off to see what was needed. There never was such a woman for givin' away vittles and drink, clothes and firin,'" replied Hannah... Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. 'Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day,' they all cried in chorus. 'Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold.'"
      • This citation is quite long, I suggest only quoting a few parts. Correct the quotation marks. There doesn't need to be so much space around the "..." (ellipsis).


This citation ells that Marmee the girl's mom went out to help a poor person than on her way saw a poor family of six and came back home, which resulted in her opening the door which made a bang.

      • Edited for spelling and fluidity: This citation tells that Marmee went out to help a poor person and saw a poor family on her way back home, and she opened the door with a bang when she got home.
      • Misspelled "tells." Remove "the girl's mom" since you already wrote that previously. The second half is a run-on sentence, so you can use "and she opened..."


Final Edited Version: The main question I have to answer for the book "Little Women" is what were the bangs for. The first bang was when Amy was coming inside the house right after she went out to buy a bigger and more expensive cologne for her mother. In the text, it states, "Amy came in hastily, and looked rather abashed when she saw her sisters all waiting for her. 'Where have you been, and what are you hiding behind you?' asked Meg, surprised to see, by her hood and cloak, that lazy Amy had been out so early. 'Don't laugh at me, Jo! I didn't mean anyone should know till the time came. I only meant to change the little bottle for a big one, and I gave all my money to get it, and I'm truly trying not to be selfish anymore.'" This citation explains that Amy went out to go and get a bigger and better cologne for her mother, and when she came back to the house, it resulted in a bang of the door. The second bang of the door was by Marmee, the girls' mom, who came back after seeing a poor creeten on her way back home. "'Some poor creeter came a-beggin', and your ma went straight off to see what was needed. There never was such a woman for givin' away vittles and drink, clothes and firin,'" replied Hannah... Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast. 'Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them! Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day,' they all cried in chorus. 'Merry Christmas, little daughters! I'm glad you began at once, and hope you will keep on. But I want to say one word before we sit down. Not far away from here lies a poor woman with a little newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold.'" This citation tells that Marmee went out to help a poor person and saw a poor family on her way back home, and she opened the door with a bang when she got home.

      • Overall, good job! I suggest working on commas, quotation marks, and reducing the length of your quotes because they're taking up most of the paragraph.

Edited by Ashley Leung



LITTLE WOMEN PART 1


This book/story is about 4 poor sisters having to work hours in a home and complaining of how bad their life is. The names of the four girls are Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth. Their father went to fight in a war and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them. Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, however the one who really has a hard time, and also because her life is shown in the story more than the other sisters, is Jo. The text states," ' You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. ' How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?' " This quote shows that, Jo tells the girls that their punishments or work can't be as bad as hers. She also says that she has a hard time working and that she feels like "flying out the window." "flying out the window" this quote shows that she is going through so many hardships in her life. Lastly, the text states," The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was." This quote shows that, when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father. She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood which shows that how many hardships and how sad she is.


This book/story is about 4 poor sisters having to work hours in a home and complaining of how bad their life is.

      • Edited for fluidity: This book is about four poor sisters having to work in a home and complaining about how bad their lives are.
      • You can just use "book." Take out "hours" (unnecessary detail). Replace "complaining of" with "complaining about." "Lives" is plural since the subject is "their."


The names of the four girls are Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth.

      • Good!


Their father went to fight in a war and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them.

      • Edited for punctuation (comma): Their father went to fight in a war, and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them.
      • Add a comma before "and" since the second half is a complete sentence.


Each of the sisters states how bad and hard their life is, however the one who really has a hard time, and also because her life is shown in the story more than the other sisters, is Jo.

      • Edited for fluidity and punctuation (separate the sentence): Each sister states how bad and hard her life is. However, the one who really has a hard time and is represented more in the book is Jo.
      • Make this into two sentences because it is a run-on sentence. "Each sister" is singular, so replace "their" with "her." Replace "shown in the story more" with "represented more" (more concise).


The text states," ' You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. ' How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?' "

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "'You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. 'How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?'"
      • Correct the spacing around the quotation marks.


This quote shows that, Jo tells the girls that their punishments or work can't be as bad as hers.

      • Edited for punctuation and fluidity: This quote shows how Jo's sisters' punishments and work isn't as bad as hers.
      • Remove the comma after "that." You don't need to repeat "Jo tells."


She also says that she has a hard time working and that she feels like "flying out the window." "flying out the window" this quote shows that she is going through so many hardships in her life.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine the two sentences): Saying that she feels like "flying out the window" shows that she is going through many hardships.
      • Don't need to include the "hard time working" part because it is repetitive. If you were to start the sentence with "flying out the window," don't use "this quote" after it (just directly say what this quote shows). "In her life" is unnecessary.


Lastly, the text states," The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was."

      • Edited for spacing: Lastly, the text states, "The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was."
      • Correct the spacing around the first quotation mark.


This quote shows that, when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father.

      • Edited for punctuation: This quote shows that even when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father.
      • Don't need the comma after "that."


She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood which shows that how many hardships and how sad she is.

      • Edited for punctuation (comma) and fluidity: She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood, which shows that how pessimistic and miserable she is.
      • Add a comma before "which." You can use the words "pessimistic" and "miserable" to describe her. Also, "hardships" is a noun, so you shouldn't use it as an adjective to describe her.


Final Edited Version: This book is about four poor sisters having to work in a home and complaining about how bad their lives are. The names of the four girls are Jo, Meg, Amy, and Beth. Their father went to fight in a war, and their mother is too poor to buy anything for them. Each sister states how bad and hard her life is. However, the one who really has a hard time and is represented more in the book is Jo. The text states, "'You don't have half such a hard time as I do,' said Jo. 'How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady, who keeps you trotting, is never satisfied, and worries you till you're ready to fly out the window or cry?'" This quote shows how Jo's sisters' punishments and work isn't as bad as hers. Saying that she feels like "flying out the window" shows that she is going through many hardships. Lastly, the text states, "The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, 'We haven't got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.' She didn't say 'perhaps never,' but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was." This quote shows that even when everyone is cheerful, Jo darkens the mood and says sad things about their Father. She didn't even smile when Beth brightened up the mood, which shows that how pessimistic and miserable she is.


      • Overall, good job! Please work on your commas and quotation mark spacing.

Edited by Ashley Leung



LITTLE MEN

Nat, a poor ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence. Inside the house, there were a lot of little boys jumping and playing around and they were having so much fun. When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi they all became friends and that made Nat feel better about himself because it also showed that someone actually cared for him. Everyone in the house calls the woman who runs the house Aunt Jo, and Nat not really knowing whats going on, is kinda confused. The text states," Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door." He was very curious and baffled because he just got there and he is new to Plumfield. He is also not like the other kids who are much more active and excited. Nat is more mature and calm. Moreover, the text states," 'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.' " Since Nat is a homeless boy and doesn't have anybody of his own, he feels really excited and happy that someone actually cares for him and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother. Lastly, the text states," 'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.' " As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle which we can figure out that they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurance are good friends with the kids.


Nat, a poor ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence.

      • Edited for comma: Nat, a poor, ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence.
      • Comma between "poor" and "ragged" since they are two separate adjectives describing the boy.


Inside the house, there were a lot of little boys jumping and playing around and they were having so much fun.

      • Edited for comma (run-on sentence): Inside the house, there were a lot of little boys jumping and playing around, and they were having so much fun.
      • Add a comma after "around" because the following part is a complete sentence.


When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi they all became friends and that made Nat feel better about himself because it also showed that someone actually cared for him.

      • Edited for comma: When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi, they all became friends, and that made Nat feel better about himself because it also showed that someone actually cared for him.
      • Add a comma before and after "they all became friends." "That made..." is a complete sentence, so make sure you place a comma before the coordinating conjunction ("and").


Everyone in the house calls the woman who runs the house Aunt Jo, and Nat not really knowing whats going on, is kinda confused.

      • Edited for apostrophe and comma and spelling: Everyone in the house calls the woman who runs the house Aunt Jo, and Nat, not really knowing what's going on, is kind of confused.
      • Comma after "Nat." Apostrophe in "what's" (what is). Replace "kinda" with "kind of" ("kinda" is a casual, slang spelling).


The text states," Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door."

      • Edited for quotation mark spacing: The text states, "Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door."
      • Correct the spacing around the first quotation mark.


He was very curious and baffled because he just got there and he is new to Plumfield.

      • Edited for fluidity (avoid run-on sentence): He was very curious and baffled because he just got there and is new to Plumfield.
      • To avoid creating a run-on sentence, the part after "and" shouldn't be a complete sentence → take out "he" and just start with "is new..."


He is also not like the other kids who are much more active and excited. Nat is more mature and calm.

      • Edited for fluidity (combine sentences): Nat is more mature and calm, unlike the other kids who are much more active and excited.
      • You can combine these two sentences, and make it look more concise.


Moreover, the text states," 'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.' "

      • Edited for quotation mark spacing: Moreover, the text states, "'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.'"
      • Overall, your quotation marks are placed correctly (good job!). Just correct the spacing around them!


Since Nat is a homeless boy and doesn't have anybody of his own, he feels really excited and happy that someone actually cares for him and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother.

      • Edited for comma (run-on sentence) and vocabulary: Since Nat is a homeless boy and doesn't have family, he feels really excited and happy that someone actually cares for him, and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother.
      • Replace "anybody of his own" with "family." Add a comma before "and Aunt Jo" since that following part is a complete sentence.


Lastly, the text states," 'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.' "

      • Edited for quotation mark spacing: Lastly, the text states, "'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.'"
      • Correct the spacing around the quotation marks.


As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle which we can figure out that they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurance are good friends with the kids.

      • Edited for comma: As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle, which shows how they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and are close friends with Jo and Mr. Laurance.
      • Add comma after "Uncle." Since your subject is the boys, you want to maintain that subject throughout the sentence, so instead of saying "Aunt Jo and Uncle Laurance are good friends," just continue the sentence with "are close friends" (implying that the subject is still the boys).


Final Edited Version: Nat, a poor, ragged boy, was sent to Plumfield by Mr. Laurence. Inside the house, there were a lot of little boys jumping and playing around, and they were having so much fun. When Nat met Daisy, Tommy, and Demi, they all became friends, and that made Nat feel better about himself because it also showed that someone actually cared for him. Everyone in the house calls the woman who runs the house Aunt Jo, and Nat, not really knowing what's going on, is kind of confused. The text states, "Nat found plenty to amuse him while he waited, and stared about him curiously, enjoying the view, yet glad to do so unobserved in the dusky recess by the door." He was very curious and baffled because he just got there and is new to Plumfield. Nat is more mature and calm, unlike the other kids who are much more active and excited. Moreover, the text states, "'So this is my new boy? I am glad to see you, my dear, and hope you'll be happy here,' said the lady, drawing him to her, and stroking back the hair from his forehead with a kind hand and a motherly look, which made Nat's lonely little heart yearn toward her... 'I am Mother Bhaer, that gentleman is Father Bhaer, and these are the two little Bhaers. Come here, boys, and see Nat.'" Since Nat is a homeless boy and doesn't have family, he feels really excited and happy that someone actually cares for him, and Aunt Jo is letting him call her Mother. Lastly, the text states, "'Have you seen Aunt Jo?' he asked as if that was some sort of important ceremony... ' Did Uncle Laurie send you?' proceeded Demi, politely, but gravely. 'Mr. Laurence did.' 'He is Uncle Laurie; and he always sends nice boys.'" As you can see, the boys are calling Jo and Mr. Laurance Aunt and Uncle, which shows how they probably have been in Plumfield for a long time and are close friends with Jo and Mr. Laurance.

      • Overall, good job! I like how you wrote several sentences! Please work on your comma, avoid run-on sentences, and pay attention to spacing around quotation marks.

Edited by Ashley Leung


THE CONCEITED APPLE BRANCH

The story is about a apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are not appealing, until a young countess shows him a lesson of beauty through humility. The text states,"' Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" The apple branch is being man to the flowers and is making fun of them. Furthermore, the text states," Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." The countess is trying to tell the apple branch not to be so mean and cruel to the flowers. The story was trying to tell to never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel.


The story is about a apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are not appealing, until a young countess shows him a lesson of beauty through humility.

      • Edited for indefinite articles (a/an) and comma and vocabulary: The story is about an apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are not appealing until a young countess teaches him a lesson about beauty through humility.
      • Use "a" before consonant sounds and "an" before vowel sounds (like in "apple"). No comma before "until." Change "shows" to "teaches" (you usually teach someone a lesson). Change "of" to "about."


The text states,"' Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'"

      • Edited for spacing: The text states, "'Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'"
      • Just change the spacing around the first quotation marks! Other than that, good job with the quotation marks.


The apple branch is being man to the flowers and is making fun of them.

      • Edited for spelling: The apple branch is being mean to the flowers and is making fun of them.
      • Misspelled "mean."


Furthermore, the text states," Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity."

      • Edited for spacing: Furthermore, the text states, "Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity."
      • Again, change the spacing for the first quotation mark.


The countess is trying to tell the apple branch not to be so mean and cruel to the flowers.

      • Edited for fluidity: The countess is trying to tell the apple branch to not be so mean and cruel to the flowers.
      • Wrong placement of "to" (should be "to not be so").


The story was trying to tell to never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel.

      • Edited for clarity and tense: The story is trying to tell us to never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel.
      • Use present tense. Who is the story telling the message to? ("us")


Final Edited Version: The story is about an apple blossom branch that thinks that dandelion flowers are not appealing until a young countess teaches him a lesson about beauty through humility. The text states, "'Poor despised plants,' said the apple bough, 'it is not your fault that you are so ugly and that you have such an ugly name, but it is with plants as with men—there must be a difference.'" The apple branch is being mean to the flowers and is making fun of them. Furthermore, the text states, "Then the sunbeam spoke of the boundless love of God as seen in creation and over all that lives, and of the equal distribution of His gifts, both in time and in eternity." The countess is trying to tell the apple branch to not be so mean and cruel to the flowers. The story is trying to tell us to never be like the apple branch who's mean, conceited, and cruel.

      • Overall, good job! Please work on your quotation mark spacing and indefinite articles (a/an).

Edited by Ashley Leung




THE LAPLAND WOMAN AND THE FINLAND WOMAN

The protagonist of the story is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen. The protagonist is Gerda because she is mostly mentioned and talked about in the story. It states,"But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?". So this shows that Gerda is trying to take out the Snow Queen, which is the antagonist. The antagonist is the Snow Queen because of how Gerda needs to go to the Snow Queen and beat her. It states,"But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?". This also shows that she needs a power to defeat the Snow Queen/the antagonist.


The protagonist of the story is Gerda and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.

      • Edited for comma (run-on sentence): The protagonist of the story is Gerda, and the antagonist is the Snow Queen.
      • Add a comma before "and" because these are two independent clauses. Other than that, it's good!


The protagonist is Gerda because she is mostly mentioned and talked about in the story.

      • Edited for fluidity: The protagonist is Gerda because she is mentioned the most in the story.
      • "mentioned" and "talked about" are similar, so you can just use one of them. Replace "mostly" with "the most" (you can also write "the most mentioned character"). Also, a protagonist is someone who is generally the "good" character, so you want to write about how she is portrayed as "good," not just as an important character.


It states,"But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?".

      • Edited for quotation mark and punctuation and clarity: The text states, "But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?"
      • You want to clarify what "it" is. Add a space before the first quotation mark. Since you have a question mark, you don't need a period (all punctuation goes inside the quotation mark).


So this shows that Gerda is trying to take out the Snow Queen, which is the antagonist.

      • Edited for pronouns: So this shows that Gerda is trying to take out the Snow Queen, who is the antagonist.
      • Since "Snow Queen" is a person, you would use "who" to describe her, not "which."


The antagonist is the Snow Queen because of how Gerda needs to go to the Snow Queen and beat her.

      • Edited for fluidity: The antagonist is the Snow Queen because Gerda needs to go and beat her.
      • Don't need "of how" after "because." You can take out "to the Snow Queen" because we already know who you are talking about.


It states,"But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?".

      • Remove. You already wrote this before, so you don't need to write it again.


This also shows that she needs a power to defeat the Snow Queen/the antagonist.

      • Edited for clarity and fluidity: Gerda needs a power to defeat the Snow Queen.
      • No need for "/the antagonist" because you already established that she is the antagonist before.


Final Edited Version: The protagonist of the story is Gerda, and the antagonist is the Snow Queen. The protagonist is Gerda because she is mentioned the most in the story. The text states, "But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?" So this shows that Gerda is trying to take out the Snow Queen, who is the antagonist. The antagonist is the Snow Queen because Gerda needs to go and beat her. Gerda needs a power to defeat the Snow Queen.


      • Good job! Please work on your quotation mark spacing and punctuation (don't need a period outside the quotation mark). Also, avoid repeating the quote.

Edited by Ashley Leung